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Jokes

andviv

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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .



On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.



He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.



The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.



Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly..



Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 
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kurtyordy

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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .



On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.



He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.



The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.



Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly..



Probably wasn't the same elephant.

sorry andviv, love ya man but this is a copy

http://www.thefastlanetomillions.co...-these-heartwarming-stories-but-one-incr.html
 

andviv

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It seems the same elephant did it to two different people... good catch. still laughing anyway.
 

andviv

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A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman's bra.

That's correct. While unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.

Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra. When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas.
 
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kurtyordy

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It seems the same elephant did it to two different people... good catch. still laughing anyway.

the only reason I remembered was because I thought it was hilarious. That darn elephant must be one trickster, I wonder how many other people he caught.
 

andviv

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Absolute zero is cool.
 

andviv

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One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."
 
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yveskleinsky

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[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
[/FONT]
 

yveskleinsky

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[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."[/FONT]
 

andviv

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My husband said he wanted more space.

So I locked him outside.
 
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MJ DeMarco

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I saw this the other day and I couldn't get the track out of my head! Funny, but I really love the BEAT TRACK!


BTW: RATED R

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pXfHLUlZf4]YouTube - Jizz In My Pants[/ame]
 

yveskleinsky

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As a member of this forum, that's friggin hilarious! As a girl, I'm not sayin' a word, lol. ...I can see how that beat would stay in your head, just don't get caught mumbling the lyrics in public!
 
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Russ H

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yveskleinsky

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The fact that that video was posted by you Russ makes it 10x funnier! :rofl:
 
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biophase

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I went to type a response to the video and I... jizzed in my pants.
 
Last edited:

mtnman

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Bahahahaha!

So many things to be said here.... I think better left mentioned over drinks! LOL
 

MJ DeMarco

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Guess I opened Pandoras Box ... or, a Dick in A Box?

Take some effort, but listen to the words ... "Don't tell your friends or Ill tell em your a slut, plus its your fault you were rubbing my butt" ... well written!
 

emorgan

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I like the Justin Timberlake cameo- clean up on isle three lol-
 

AroundTheWorld

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hmm.. I'd like to watch the video, but I've got kids in the room, thinking I better wait.... ;)
 
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andviv

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
 

andviv

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
 
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andviv

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
 

andviv

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."
 

andviv

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry,
but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
 
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MJ DeMarco

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Follow up to jizz in my pants!!!

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7yfISlGLNU]YouTube - I'm On A Boat (ft. T-Pain) - Album Version[/ame]
 

andviv

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these! They're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair..."
 

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