Jokes

[Banthaman]

An HMO manager one day comes to the end and is standing before St. Peter at the pearly gates. The man Says to St. Peter, "So do I make it in or what?" St. Peter responds, "Well... I can let you stay for 7 days, then your going to have to go to hell."

 

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[andviv]

"I know you can't get married on the money I pay you," said the boss to his new employee, "but someday you'll thank me for it!"

 

[andviv]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!". His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker "It's not talcum powder... it's 'Miracle Grow'."

 

[yveskleinsky]

One of my favorite sites from many moons ago: http://www.emotioneric.com/ enjoy!

 

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[Russ H]

"It's not talcum powder... it's 'Miracle Grow'."

Now THAT is funny. :smilielol::smilielol::smilielol:

-Russ H.

 

[andviv]

 

[Bilgefisher]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, 'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'

 

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[andviv]

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, how was your day?' Ole told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

 

[yveskleinsky]

Cute email I got from my pops.

OLD BUTCH

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, (hens), called 'pullets,' and
ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.

 

[andviv]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a Prescription."

 

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[yveskleinsky]

Very cute.

 

[yveskleinsky]

And more...

 

[yveskleinsky]

Here are some more...

 

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[ElectricG]

haha R.I.P 4chan.


Why were the bakers hands brown?

Coz he needed a shit.

 

[yveskleinsky]

Yup- that's about right!

http://www.linuxkungfu.org/images/fun/geek/project.jpg

 

[Peter2]

.....

 

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[mtnman]

At least we know how you made your millions now.

I'd hate to think of what other "transformations" you specialize in.

:smxB:

 

[yveskleinsky]

David Blane Part 2

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGrTvNzGCZE]YouTube - David Blaine Street Magic 2: The Sequel[/ame]

 

[mtnman]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=430cwalf5UE&NR=1]YouTube - Hawaii is a pussy[/ame]

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

Arguments for First Class or private aviation...

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-zAZHCsqls]YouTube - bad flight[/ame]

 

[RealOG]

Heard this one this morning:

Q: What do tight jeans and a cheap motel have in common?

A: No ballroom.

 

[andviv]

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?" Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your a$$?" The little boy answered "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker". Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer".

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: "Can I have a cigar Grandpa?" Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your a$$?" Once again the little boy replies, "No, it's too little". Gramps replies, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar".

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies. Grandpa asks, "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?" The boy asks, "Can your pecker touch your a$$?" Gramps replies, "Hell yes, my pecker can touch my a$$". The little boy replies, "Then go F*ck yourself - Grandma made these for me".

 

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[yveskleinsky]

INTERESTING STUDY by UCLA Medical Research

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where
she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is
attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is
pre-menstrual or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with
duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on
fire.

No further studies are expected.

 

[JesseO]

L.o.l

 

[andviv]

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancé, and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry". The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?" "I don't like her."

 

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[Kung Fu Steve]

Anybody know the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?

A bad golfer goes WHACK! ... Dang!!!

A bad skydiver goes Dang!!!.... WHACK!
:smxB:

 

[andviv]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:

"I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache."

"Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone!" "Well, that is wonderful!" proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "WOW! That was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "OH MY GOD!" she proclaims. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

 

[MsMoney]

A man was at a conference and saw the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He approached her and they started talking. The man shared with this woman how his Father is in the same business as he and is very ill and will be dying any day now, and that he will be a very wealthy man.

He gave this woman his business card and said he'd like to start dating & marry. She took his card and 3 days later became his Step-Mother.

Moral of this story: Women are very resourceful! LOL!!

 

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[Banthaman]

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

 

[Banthaman]

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.