Jokes

[andviv]

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner than she flopped down in front of the TV, her door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late and you're STILL not ready?"

 

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[JesseO]

Not sure if this one has been posted before, but here't the kind of husband that gets ruined for life cause he's a lying bastard


A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You stupid lying bastard! You've been out playing golf!"

 

[JesseO]

one more....kinda trashy.........

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a giant dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was just an insect."

To which the boy replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with privates like that!!!"

 

[andviv]

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

 

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[andviv]

One day a college professor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand. After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron. The kid replied, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself".

 

[andviv]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy - M&M's. What a fabulous adventure !

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Honey, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my DRESS SIZE, you stupid a$$!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

 

[andviv]

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S LOVE POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
Huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit​

 

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[biophase]

xxxxx

 

[CarrieW]

A blonde woman pulled up behind a truck at a stop light and noticed that he was losing some of his load. So she quickly got out of her car, ran up to his window and shouted " You're losing your load!"

She then ran back to her car just as the light turned green. She continued behind the truck and at the next light, she ran to his window again, shouting, "I'm Wendy and you're losing your load!"

Again, she got back to her car just as the light turned green. She continued behind the truck, thinking he must not have heard her as he did nothing about the problem. So, as she stopped behind him for another light, she ran again to his window and repeated, "I'm Wendy and you're losing your load!"

This time, he rolled his window down and called back, "I'm Tom and it's Michigan- I'm not losing my load- it's salt for the ice!"

 

[andviv]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."

 

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[andviv]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

"Do you know her?" asks my wife.

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

[andviv]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

 

[JesseO]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

"Do you know her?" asks my wife.

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

LOL :smash::smash::smash:

 

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[Bobo]

So on the occasion of my wife's 40th birthday I thought I'd be clever (stupid) and make a wisecrack about it....

"So honey, whaddaya think... should I trade you in for a couple 20 year olds???"

Without missing a beat she counters with "Baby, you ain't wired for 220"


...yeah, that left a mark

 

[Runum]

WOW! Man she is quick! Bobo do you own a suit of armor?:cheers:

 

[Bobo]

runum - this is the chick who clocked a 145 over on the IQ thread. She pretty much got the looks and the brains.

 

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[andviv]

 

[andviv]

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to the local hardware store can turn out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their beautiful boobies almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another hardware store.

You agree and they both climb in the passenger seat, one sitting on the other's lap.

On the way, they start kissing each other... then one of them turns to you to perform something nasty... while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen March 24th, 25th, 26th, twice on the 28th, on the 29th, 30th, April 1st, 2nd today and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets!

Just a friendly warning.

 

[kurtyordy]

including a google map would help us find this place a little better.

 

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[andviv]

A professional photographer, at a friend's house for dinner, was asked to show his portfolio from a recent overseas trip.

His friends were quite impressed.

"What wonderful photos!" said the host's wife. "You must have a very expensive camera."

The photographer just smiled and waited until after dinner, when he said, "Thank you for the delicious meal. You must have very expensive pans!"

 

[andviv]

I know, I know, it is not a joke per se....
but this is an important fact that we all need to know, don't you think?



Think a gallon of gas is expensive?


Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ...... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER.......

Ink Jet Printer Ink $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)


A few facts that may ease some of your pain at the pump....

 

[andviv]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50!" the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50!"

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead!"

So he slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't," she says. "I was behind you at McDonalds..."

 

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[andviv]

Father: "So you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"

Boyfriend: "Not particularly, but since I want to marry your daughter, I haven't much choice!"

 

[andviv]

Two executives were talking in the executive washroom.

"My wife says I don't display enough passion. Imagine the audacity! I think I'll send her a memo!"

 

[andviv]

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror, after a relaxing bath. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. "God... if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed. And just like that... her ears fell off!

 

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[andviv]

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing ...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

******************
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When thee is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"

 

[andviv]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running . . ."

 

[jim501]

A teacher is reading a story to her children.

"and the farmer walked into the barn and a cow came up and said "the horse has escaped""

And then the teacher asked "Now children what do you think the farmer said?"

There was a moment of silence before one of the little girls gingerly put her hand up. The teacher pointed to her and the little girl said in a really quiet voice.

"Holy shit a talking cow!!"

 

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[andviv]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?"

 

[Bilgefisher]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift
of our time.A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the
goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during
coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very
own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.' 'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will
you be working on the house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the F*ckin' sheet rock.'

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?.