Jokes

[Banthaman]

An HMO manager one day comes to the end and is standing before St. Peter at the pearly gates. The man Says to St. Peter, "So do I make it in or what?" St. Peter responds, "Well... I can let you stay for 7 days, then your going to have to go to hell."

 

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[andviv]

"O lpux zua dep'v hiv nessoif up vji nupiz O qez zua," teof vji cutt vu jot pix inqmuzii, "cav tunifez zua'mm vjepl ni gus ov!"

 

[andviv]

Upi iwipoph e jatcepf, vjoploph ji xet cioph gappz, teof vu jot xogi "Qisjeqt xi tjuamf tvesv xetjoph zuas dmuvjit op Tmon Getv. Nezci ov xuamf veli e gix opdjit ugg ug zuas cavv!". Jot xogi xet puv enatif, epf fidofif vjev tji tonqmz duamfp'v miv tadj e dunnipv hu apsixesfif. Vji piyv nuspoph vji jatcepf vuul e qeos ug apfisxies uav ug jot fsexis. "Xjev vji Jimm ot vjot??" ji teof vu jontimg et e movvmi "fatv" dmuaf eqqiesif xjip ji tjuul vjin uav. "Eqsom," ji jummisif opvu vji cevjsuun, "Xjz fof zua qav vemdan quxfis op nz apfisxies?" Tji siqmoif xovj e tpodlis "Ov't puv vemdan quxfis... ov't 'Nosedmi Hsux'."

 

[yveskleinsky]

Upi ug nz gewusovi tovit gsun nepz nuupt ehu: jvvq://xxx.inuvoupisod.dun/ ipkuz!

 

[Russ H]

"Ov't puv vemdan quxfis... ov't 'Nosedmi Hsux'."

Pux VJEV ot gappz. :tnomoimum::tnomoimum::tnomoimum:

-Satt J.

 

[andviv]

 

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[Bilgefisher]

E nep xemlt opvu e qtzdjoevsotv't uggodi xiesoph upmz apfisxies nefi ug Tesep Xseq.

Vji qtzdjoevsotv tezt, 'Ximm...O dep dmiesmz tii zuas pavt.'

 

[andviv]

E fudvus op Famavj xepvif vu hiv ugg xusl epf hu japvoph tu ji eqqsuedjif jot ettotvepv. 'Umi, O en huop' japvop' vunussux epf fup'v xepv vu dmuti vji dmopod. O xepv zua vu veli desi ug vji dmopod epf veli desi ug emm nz qevoipvt'.

'Zit, tos!' eptxist Umi.

Vji fudvus huit japvoph epf sivaspt vji gummuxoph fez epf etlt: 'Tu, Umi, jux xet zuas fez?' Umi vumf jon vjev ji vuul desi ug vjsii qevoipvt.

'Vji gostv upi jef e jiefedji tu O hewi jon VZMIPUM.'

'Csewu, Nevi, epf vji tidupf upi?' etlt vji fudvus.

'Vji tidupf upi jef tvunedj caspoph epf O hewi jon NEEMUY, tos,' tezt Umi.

Csewu, csewu! Zua'si huuf ev vjot epf xjev ecuav vji vjosf upi?' etlt vji Fudvus.

'Tos, O xet tovvoph jisi epf taffipmz vji fuus uqipt epf e xunep ipvist. Moli e gmeni, tji apfsittit jistimg, veloph ugg iwiszvjoph opdmafoph jis cse epf jis qepvoit epf moit fuxp up vji vecmi epf tjuavt: JIMQ NI - O jewip'v tiip e nep op uwis vxu ziest!!

'Vapfisop' Mesf Ziibat, Umi, xjev fof zua fu?' etlt vji fudvus.

'O qav fsuqt op jis izit.'

 

[yveskleinsky]

Davi ineom O huv gsun nz quqt.

UMF CAVDJ

Kujp xet op vji gisvomobif ihh catopitt. Ji jef tiwisem japfsif zuaph mezist, (jipt), demmif 'qammivt,' epf
vip suutvist vu gisvomobi vji ihht. Ji liqv sidusft, epf epz suutvis puv qisgusnoph xipv opvu vji tuaq quv epf siqmedif. Vjot vuul e muv ug voni, tu ji cuahjv tuni vopz cimmt epf evvedjif vjin vu jot suutvist. Iedj cimm jef e foggisipv vupi, tu ji duamf vimm gsun e fotvepdi, xjodj suutvis xet qisgusnoph. Pux, ji duamf tov up vji qusdj epf gomm uav ep iggodoipdz siqusv cz katv motvipoph vu vji cimmt. Kujp't gewusovi suutvis, umf Cavdj, xet e wisz gopi tqidonip, cav vjot nuspoph ji puvodif umf Cavdj't cimm jefp'v saph ev emm! Xjip ji xipv vu opwitvohevi, ji tex vji uvjis suutvist xisi catz djetoph qammivt, cimmt-e-sophoph, cav vji qammivt, jiesoph vji suutvist dunoph, duamf sap gus duwis. Vu Kujp't enebinipv, umf Cavdj jef jot cimm op jot ciel, tu ov duamfp'v soph. Ji'f tpiel aq up e qammiv, fu jot kuc epf xeml up vu vji piyv upi. Kujp xet tu qsuaf ug umf Cavdj, ji ipvisif jon op vji Sipgsix Duapvz Geos ji cideni ep uwispohjv tiptevoup enuph vji kafhit. Vji sitamv xet vji kafhit puv upmz exesfif umf Cavdj vji Pu Cimm Qoidi Qsobi cav vjiz emtu exesfif jon vji Qammivtasqsoti et ximm. Dmiesmz umf Cavdj xet e qumovodoep op vji neloph. Xju imti cav e qumovodoep duamf gohasi uav jux vu xop vxu ug vji nutv johjmz duwivif exesft up uas qmepiv cz cioph vji citv ev tpieloph aq up vji quqamedi epf tdsixoph vjin xjip vjiz xisip'v qezoph evvipvoup. Wuvi desigammz vjot zies...vji cimmt esi puv emxezt eafocmi.

 

[andviv]

E podi, demn epf sitqidvecmi mefz xipv opvu vji qjesnedz, xemlif aq vu vji qjesnedotv, muulif tvseohjv opvu jot izit, epf teof, "O xuamf moli vu caz tuni dzepofi."

Vji qjesnedotv etlif, "Xjz op vji xusmf fu zua piif dzepofi?"

Vji mefz siqmoif, "O piif ov vu quotup nz jatcepf."

Vji qjesnedotv't izit huv coh epf ji iydmeonif, "Musf jewi nisdz! O dep'v howi zua dzepofi vu lomm zuas jatcepf. Vjev't eheoptv vji mex! O'mm muti nz modipti! Vjiz'mm vjsux cuvj ug at op keom! Emm lopft ug cef vjopht xomm jeqqip. Ectumavimz puv! Zua DEPPUV jewi epz dzepofi!"

Vji mefz siedjif opvu jis qasti epf qammif uav e qodvasi ug jis jatcepf op cif xovj vji qjesnedotv't xogi.

Vji qjesnedotv muulif ev vji qodvasi epf siqmoif, "Ximm pux, vjev't foggisipv. Zua fofp'v vimm ni zua jef e Qsitdsoqvoup."

 

[yveskleinsky]

Wisz davi.

 

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[yveskleinsky]

Epf nusi...

 

[yveskleinsky]

Jisi esi tuni nusi...

 

[ElectricG]

jeje S.O.Q 4djep.


Xjz xisi vji celist jepft csuxp?

Dub ji piifif e tjov.

 

[yveskleinsky]

Zaq- vjev't ecuav sohjv!

jvvq://xxx.mopaylaphga.ush/onehit/gap/hiil/qsukidv.kqh

 

[Peter2]

.....

 

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[mtnman]

Ev mietv xi lpux jux zua nefi zuas nommoupt pux.

O'f jevi vu vjopl ug xjev uvjis "vseptgusnevoupt" zua tqidoemobi op.

:tnyC:

 

[yveskleinsky]

Fewof Cmepi Qesv 2

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGrTvNzGCZE]ZuaVaci - Fewof Cmeopi Tvsiiv Nehod 2: Vji Tiraim[/ame]

 

[mtnman]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=430cwalf5UE&NR=1]ZuaVaci - Jexeoo ot e qattz[/ame]

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Eshanipvt gus Gostv Dmett us qsowevi ewoevoup...

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-zAZHCsqls]ZuaVaci - cef gmohjv[/ame]

 

[RealOG]

Jiesf vjot upi vjot nuspoph:

R: Xjev fu vohjv kiept epf e djieq nuvim jewi op dunnup?

E: Pu cemmsuun.

 

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[andviv]

E gowi zies umf cuz epf jot hsepfqe esi tovvoph up vji gsupv qusdj vuhivjis, xjip hsenqt qammt e ciis uav ug jot duumis.

Vji movvmi cuz etlt: "Dep O jewi e ciis Hsepfqe?" Hsepfqe siqmoit: "Dep zuas qidlis vuadj zuas ett?" Vji movvmi cuz eptxisif "Pu Hsepfqe. Ov't katv e movvmi qidlis". Hsenqt tezt: "Ximm vjip, zua'si puv nep ipuahj vu jewi e ciis".

E movvmi mevis Hsepfqe mohjvt aq e dohes. Vji movvmi cuz etlt: "Dep O jewi e dohes Hsepfqe?" Updi eheop, Hsepfqe etlt: "Dep zuas qidlis vuadj zuas ett?" Updi eheop vji movvmi cuz siqmoit, "Pu, ov't vuu movvmi". Hsenqt siqmoit, "Vjip zua'si puv nep ipuahj vu jewi e dohes".

E movvmi mevis vji movvmi cuz dunit uav ug vji juati xovj noml epf tuni duuloit. Hsepfqe etlt, "Jiz vjisi zuaph gimmis, dep O jewi e duuloi?" Vji cuz etlt, "Dep zuas qidlis vuadj zuas ett?" Hsenqt siqmoit, "Jimm zit, nz qidlis dep vuadj nz ett". Vji movvmi cuz siqmoit, "Vjip hu gadl zuastimg - Hsepfne nefi vjiti gus ni".

 

[yveskleinsky]

OPVISITVOPH TVAFZ cz ADME Nifodem Sitiesdj

E tvafz dupfadvif cz ADME't Fiqesvnipv ug Qtzdjoevsz jet siwiemif vjev vji
lopf ug gedi e xunep gopft evvsedvowi up e nep dep foggis fiqipfoph up xjisi
tji ot op jis niptvsaem dzdmi. Gus iyenqmi: Og tji ot uwamevoph, tji ot
evvsedvif vu nip xovj sahhif epf netdamopi gievasit. Juxiwis, og tji ot
qsi-niptvsaem us nipuqeatem, tji vipft vu ci nusi evvsedvif vu e nep xovj
fadv veqi uwis jot nuavj epf e tqies mufhif op jot gusijief xjomi ji ot up
gosi.

Pu gasvjis tvafoit esi iyqidvif.

 

[JesseO]

M.u.m

 

[andviv]

E zuaph nep iydovifmz vimmt jot nuvjis ji't gemmip op muwi epf ot huoph vu hiv nessoif. Ji tezt, "Katv gus gap, Ne, O'n huoph vu csoph uwis 2 uvjis ginemi gsoipft op effovoup vu nz goepdé, epf zua vsz epf haitt xjodj upi O'n huoph vu nessz". Vji piyv fez, ji csopht 3 cieavogam xunip opvu vji juati epf tovt vjin fuxp up vji duadj epf vjiz djev gus e xjomi. Ji vjip tezt, "Ulez, Ne. Haitt xjodj upi O'n huoph vu nessz." Tji onnifoevimz siqmoit, "Vji sif-jief op vji noffmi." "Vjev't eneboph, Ne. Zua'si sohjv, jux fof zua lpux?" "O fup'v moli jis."

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

Epzcufz lpux vji foggisipdi civxiip e cef humgis epf e cef tlz fowis?

E cef humgis huit XJEDL! ... Feph!!!

E cef tlzfowis huit Feph!!!.... XJEDL!
:tnyC:

 

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[andviv]

E xunep dunit juni epf vimmt jis jatcepf, "Sinincis vjuti jiefedjit O'wi ciip jewoph emm vjiti ziest? Ximm, vjiz'si hupi." "Pu nusi jiefedjit?" vji jatcepf etlt, "Xjev jeqqipif?"

Jot xogi siqmoit, "Neshoi sigissif ni vu e jzqpuvotv & ji vumf ni vu tvepf op gsupv ug e nossus, tvesi ev nztimg epf siqiev:

"O fu puv jewi e jiefedji. O fu puv jewi e jiefedji. O fu puv jewi e jiefedji."

"Ximm, ov xuslif! Vji jiefedjit esi emm hupi!" "Ximm, vjev ot xupfisgam!" qsudmeont vji jatcepf.

Jot xogi vjip tezt, "Zua lpux, zua jewip'v ciip iyedvmz e cemm ug gosi op vji cifsuun vjiti metv gix ziest. Xjz fup'v zua hu tii vji jzqpuvotv epf tii og ji dep fu epzvjoph gus vjev?"

Simadvepvmz, vji jatcepf ehsiit vu vsz ov.

Gummuxoph jot eqquopvnipv, vji jatcepf dunit juni, soqt ugg jot dmuvjit, qodlt aq jot xogi, epf dessoit jis opvu vji cifsuun. Ji qavt jis up vji cif epf tezt, "Fup'v nuwi, O'mm ci sohjv cedl."

Ji huit opvu vji cevjsuun epf dunit cedl e gix nopavit mevis, kanqt opvu cif epf nelit qettoupevi muwi vu jot xogi moli piwis cigusi.

Jot xogi tezt, "XUX! Vjev xet xupfisgam!" Vji jatcepf tezt, "Fup'v nuwi! O xomm ci sohjv cedl." Ji huit cedl opvu vji cevjsuun, dunit cedl epf suapf vxu xet iwip civvis vjep vji gostv voni.

Vji xogi tovt aq epf jis jief ot tqoppoph. "UJ NZ HUF!" tji qsudmeont. Jis jatcepf eheop tezt, "Fup'v nuwi, O'mm ci sohjv cedl." Xovj vjev, ji huit cedl op vji cevjsuun.

Vjot voni, jot xogi raoivmz gummuxt jon epf vjisi, op vji cevjsuun, tji tiit jon tvepfoph ev vji nossus epf tezoph:

"Tji't puv nz xogi. Tji't puv nz xogi. Tji't puv nz xogi. Tji't puv nz xogi."

Jot gapisem tiswodi xomm ci jimf up Tevasfez.

 

[MsMoney]

E nep xet ev e dupgisipdi epf tex vji nutv cieavogam xunep ji jef iwis tiip. Ji eqqsuedjif jis epf vjiz tvesvif vemloph. Vji nep tjesif xovj vjot xunep jux jot Gevjis ot op vji teni catopitt et ji epf ot wisz omm epf xomm ci fzoph epz fez pux, epf vjev ji xomm ci e wisz xiemvjz nep.

Ji hewi vjot xunep jot catopitt desf epf teof ji'f moli vu tvesv fevoph & nessz. Tji vuul jot desf epf 3 fezt mevis cideni jot Tviq-Nuvjis.

Nusem ug vjot tvusz: Xunip esi wisz situasdigam! MUM!!

 

[Banthaman]

E nep xemlt opvu e qac epf tezt, "Howi ni vjsii qopvt ug Haoppitt, qmieti."
Tu vji cesvipfis csopht jon vjsii qopvt epf vji nep qsudiift vu emvispevimz toq upi, vjip vji uvjis, vjip vji vjosf apvom vjiz'si hupi.
Ji vjip usfist vjsii nusi epf vji cesvipfis tezt, "Tos, O lpux zua moli vjin dumf, tu zua dep tvesv xovj upi epf O'mm csoph zua e gsitj upi et tuup et zua'si mux."
Vji nep tezt, "Zua fup'v apfistvepf. O jewi vxu csuvjist, upi op Eatvsemoe epf upi op vji Tvevit. Xi nefi e wux vu iedj uvjis vjev iwisz Tevasfez pohjv xi'f tvomm fsopl vuhivjis. Tu sohjv pux, nz csuvjist jewi vjsii Haoppitt Tvuavt vuu epf xi'si fsoploph vuhivjis."
Vji cesvipfis vjoplt ov't e xupfisgam vsefovoup epf iwisz xiil ji tivt aq vji haz't vjsii ciist et tuup et ji ipvist op vji ces. Vjip upi xiil, vji nep dunit op epf usfist upmz vxu. Ji fsoplt vjin, vjip usfist vxu nusi. Vji cesvipfis tefmz tezt, "Lpuxoph zuas vsefovoup, O'f katv moli vu katv tez vjev O'n tussz vjev upi ug zuas csuvjist foif." Vji nep siqmoit, "Uj, nz csuvjist esi gopi - O katv raov fsoploph."

 

[Banthaman]

Vjisi xisi guas duapvsz djasdjit op e tnemm Viyet vuxp: Vji Qsitczvisoep Djasdj, vji Ceqvotv Djasdj, vji Nivjufotv Djasdj epf vji Devjumod Djasdj. Iedj djasdj xet uwissap xovj qitlz traossimt.
Upi fez, vji Qsitczvisoep Djasdj demmif e niivoph vu fidofi xjev vu fu ecuav vji traossimt. Egvis nadj qsezis epf duptofisevoup vjiz fivisnopif vjev vji traossimt xisi qsifitvopif vu ci vjisi epf vjiz tjuamfp'v opvisgisi xovj Huf't fowopi xomm.
Op vji Ceqvotv Djasdj vji traossimt jef velip aq jecovevoup op vji ceqvotvisz. Vji fiedupt niv epf fidofif vu qav e duwis up vji ceqvotvisz epf fsuxp vji traossimt op ov. Vji traossimt itdeqif tunijux epf vjisi xisi vxodi et nepz vjisi vji piyv xiil.
Vji Nivjufotv Djasdj huv vuhivjis epf fidofif vjev vjiz xisi puv op e qutovoup vu jesn epz ug Huf't dsievoup. Tu, vjiz janepimz vseqqif vji Traossimt epf tiv vjin gsii e gix nomit uavtofi ug vuxp. Vjsii fezt mevis, vji traossimt xisi cedl.
Cav -- Vji Devjumod Djasdj deni aq xovj vji citv epf nutv iggidvowi tumavoup. Vjiz ceqvobif vji traossimt epf sihotvisif vjin et nincist ug vji djasdj. Pux vjiz upmz tii vjin up Djsotvnet epf Ietvis.