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Having Children...Pros and Cons?

journeyman

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29, no kids, no regrets nor do I plan to have any for at least 10 more years.

At the core of it having kids is a biological drive and an emotional decision. I'd say no matter what opinions/arguments are presented, if you want to have kids it will be clear and almost unavoidable.
 
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Craigcon01

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Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:
  • Share advice/things we should consider
  • Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
  • Regrets of having or not having
  • If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?
Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.
My view is that one reason you are on this planet is to pro-create, once you have millions you'll need an heir to pass it all onto!!
 

AndreeaCrs

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My personal opinion is that you should just go with the first option that you feel, without wheighting in the pros and cons. It's just my opinion, not saying all should do the same
 

Tourmaline

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Kids are amazing and a lot of work.

But it's one of the biggest aspects of being human, of being an animal.

And there's nothing really like it, and it's utterly amazing.

It also gives you substantial drive for building legacy...since you have someone that will directly receive what you leave behind.

But you can't make your self have kids before your ready. And you definitely want to be ready.

It also makes you grow massively. The world no longer revolves around you.

However I don't think you have to sacrifice your self by any means. Rather you get better at managing your time and only doing what you really want to do.

Plus they're super cute and endlessly adorable and fun :D
 
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GriffJ

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I'm 33 and a married woman so the question I get asked (a lot!) is; when are you having kids? Like it's expected of everyone to want them.

I have a wonderful husband and step son, (and a dog) I feel my life is fulfilled and I get great satisfaction from working on my goals and working towards a future where I can be free from the rat race and support my family.

I don't want children right now, but there are plenty of "older" women having children these days, maybe I'll change my mind, maybe I won't. If I'm being honest, I feel like I would be "tied down" with kids but I know plenty of successful people with children so maybe that's my own internal justification.

The funny thing is I do think my feelings would be different if I was already "free" one worry is that having children will trap you in the 9-5 having to provide, I'm sure that's not the case at all but I guess it's a very real fear when deciding these things.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, I think you have to make peace with what you decide though, regret is hard to live with.
 

ShepardHumphries

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Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:
  • Share advice/things we should consider
  • Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
  • Regrets of having or not having
  • If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?
Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.
Update? :)
 

Voice Angel

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Would love to know too what you decided!

I'm a bit late on this thread but thought I'd chime in too...

Having kids was the best decision I’ve ever made. They force you out of your personal bubble. You see the world in a new way as well. In some ways, your world has just expanded. I’d say they make my life better in every way.

Yes, there are some things we can’t just get up and do now that we have kids. But most things we can, with some planning.

And as well you do need more money. But setting aside a small amount off each incoming dollar (whether that’s a day job or entrepreneurial businesses), adds up quickly. Before we did that, we went through a very rough time back in the day (financially) but we hadn’t planned well back then. If you start now, it’s feasible and manageable.

I agree with others who have suggested that this is a great time to discuss the other aspects of having a family with your wife to prepare ahead mentally, i.e. religion, discipline, education.

My husband and I come from completely different backgrounds. He’s non religious (I won’t go so far as to say atheist) and I was brought up with 3 religions. We exposed the kids to several and let them decide. We were both brought up being spanked for discipline. We decided no spanking ever for our kids (it stayed that way – and they’re both great kids). So these are some aspects that are best discussed now before the kids come.

I also agree with the others who have said that words cannot describe the experience of having children. Whether you decide to have your own or adopt, the connection is awe-inspiring.

There will be some very trying times too! But you’ll deal with them.
They make you stronger.
 
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Marigold

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I have two children, 8 and 6. The first few years were the most challenging and painful years of my whole life. Lack of sleep, mainly.

My heart absolutely bursts every day with love for my children. I wish I'd had 10 of them. I home school both of them.

Start young, have many. Best thing you'll ever do in your whole life.

Be committed to your partner tho!
 
G

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I’m not ready yet but I plan to have a decently sized family. I think it’s an investment in your future. When you are old, you’re going to wish you made that investment - being surrounded by the adults you created, and their kids, and maybe even their babies too.

That’s the ultimate way to go out: wealthy, successful, surrounded by a loving family that you are able to pass the torch on to... every generation moving forward. That is my goal: a legacy, to make an impact that lasts longer than myself.

If you can have them, children are a blessing. I want to have more financial stability first, but it’s definitely (in my opinion) a big part of a life well lived.

Oh, and it’s important to raise them right so they are capable, too. That’s part of the legacy.
 

Antifragile

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I had no idea what I was missing before becoming a parent. Words can’t describe it. The kind of love and happiness I feel now! Seriously… never expected that, I send to think hard “do I want kids?” Now I can’t believe I didn’t get started sooner. Absolute joy and love.

Hard hard hard work too. But that’s the price you pay for the love and joy.


Edit:
- not everything in life can be explained and chosen logically. Kids fall into that category.

- it does help to have money. Can’t imagine how much harder it is for people without wealth and some type of time independence. You’d miss out on so much of the kids life by grinding it out 9-5 and beyond. All the more reason for Fastlane and Unscripted life.
 
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notinuse1245

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Don't have children right now, but thought about it a lot.
I don't like the idea of having a child, simply because I think that there are already too many people on the planet, and especially to many children without a family.
With that in mind, I just think it's better for me to adopt a child sometime in the future - when I think I would be able to care for them and give them the time and resources they deserve. Which also plays nicely with not having to think about the biological clock.
 

Marigold

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I had no idea what I was missing before becoming a parent. Words can’t describe it. The kind of love and happiness I feel now! Seriously… never expected that, I send to think hard “do I want kids?” Now I can’t believe I didn’t get started sooner. Absolute joy and love.

Hard hard hard work too. But that’s the price you pay for the love and joy.


Edit:
- not everything in life can be explained and chosen logically. Kids fall into that category.

- it does help to have money. Can’t imagine how much harder it is for people without wealth and some type of time independence. You’d miss out on so much of the kids life by grinding it out 9-5 and beyond. All the more reason for Fastlane and Unscripted life.
I never wanted kids. I didn't think I was the maternal type - side note, every woman is.

You literally don't know what love is until you have them. It's quite the revelation :D
 

DayIFly

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Don't have children right now, but thought about it a lot.
I don't like the idea of having a child, simply because I think that there are already too many people on the planet, and especially to many children without a family.
With that in mind, I just think it's better for me to adopt a child sometime in the future - when I think I would be able to care for them and give them the time and resources they deserve. Which also plays nicely with not having to think about the biological clock.
How do you know that there are too many people on the planet? Your population is in actual decline since half a century. How many inventors and inventions didn't happen because of that? It's a tragedy.
 
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Antifragile

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How do you know that there are too many people on the planet? Your population is in actual decline since half a century. How many inventors and inventions didn't happen because of that? It's a tragedy.

Excuse me? Decline? Sources?

Population growth slowed. Top tier wealthy countries saw a minor decline just this last yet (USA!). But immigration pumps it up.
 

DayIFly

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Excuse me? Decline? Sources?

Population growth slowed. Top tier wealthy countries saw a minor decline just this last yet (USA!). But immigration pumps it up.
From wiki:
"Due to the low birth rate there have been more death than births in Germany in every year since 1972,[9] which means 2020 was the 49th consecutive year the German population would have decreased without immigration. It is the only country in the world to have such a long-term natural population decline."
 
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Antifragile

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From wiki:
"Due to the low birth rate there have been more death than births in Germany in every year since 1972,[9] which means 2020 was the 49th consecutive year the German population would have decreased without immigration. It is the only country in the world to have such a long-term natural population decline."
Germany does not equal the planet.
 
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Antifragile

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How do you know that there are too many people on the planet? Your population is in actual decline since half a century. How many inventors and inventions didn't happen because of that? It's a tragedy.

Hmmm…. Bold letters above. Planet.
 

DayIFly

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Hmmm…. Bold letters above. Planet.
And what did I write after that? "Your population is in actual decline". There can be a general overpopulation in the world, and simultaneously there can be countries with severe demographic problems. Fixing those problems wouldn't contribute to the overpopulation problem, because the high level of education opportunities would offset the problem via innovations. Which means that there weren't actually too many people on Earth, because the term overpopulation has a specific context which is tied to technology.
 
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Antifragile

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And what did I write after that? "Your population is in actual decline". There can be a general overpopulation in the world, and simultaneously there can be countries with severe demographic problems. Fixing those problems wouldn't contribute to the overpopulation problem, because the high level of education opportunities would offset the problem via innovations. Which means that there weren't actually too many people on Earth, because the term overpopulation has a specific context which is tied to technology.

You lost me.

1. Someone says “I think there are too many people and I’ll adopt and prevent some poor kid from being hungry and neglected”. Bonus - not worried about biological clock…
2. You say “your country population is in decline” in response to the “planet” commment.
3. I call you out on your comp. planet population is growing.
4. You focus on Germany as source of innovation missed because lack of Germans F*cking Germans and making Einsteins.
5. I think it’s utter nonsense. Whether you have your own or adopt makes no difference to the “innovation”. Steve Jobs was adopted. He made a dent in the world.

Unless you are referring to some superior Arian race? ;). There was a guy before who tried that, rhymes with galolf peepler… he caused some real damage to the world. ;)

So what are you trying to say? I’m confused.
 

DayIFly

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@Antifragile
The main argument was not having kids because of overpopulation in the world. This doesn't make any sense because the world isn't monolithic, you need to clearly specify who is driving the problem and where the problem is nonexistant. I don't understand what you're so hung up about? Maybe you didn't grasp that I was responding to a German user...

4) I'm tired of people using the Hitler card when they have no rebuttals... All developed countries provide enough educational opportunities that innovation is assured. My focus isn't Germany, what I said applies to all developed countries, i.e. they can sustain their population by innovation by providing opportunities. It's a bit harder if you're born in e.g. rural India, isn't it? Are you seriously denying this?

5) What are you talking about? If Steve Jobs hadn't been born, he wouldn't have made a dent in the world. Geez. I'm the one who is confused here.
 
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Paul David

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Yeah, having a kid isn't like getting a dog. A dog lasts 10-15 years. A kid? Committed for life! Well, at least if you plan on being a good parent. :)

My wife and I started our business in 2010 when we had a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old. Two years later, we had another kid and then we moved to Cozumel, Mexico. For the last 8 years of our life, we've lived internationally and all paid for by the business.

We didn't give up our lives for our kids - we just brought them with us!

The childbearing years thing is real though. You can always start another business at whatever age. But there's a ticking clock to having a happy healthy child and just plain being healthy yourself.

If you're growing a business correctly, you can quickly get on top of it and have plenty of money AND plenty of time to be an active parent.

Just a couple of hours ago, I got back from a walk with my wife and our oldest kid asked me if I even work. I laughed but that's kind of the point. I worked super hard 10 years ago, when she was young, so that I don't have to work as hard now.

And for the record, tomorrow, I'm not working. I'm taking my two oldest kids surfing. So I'm not giving up my life by having kids, I've added to it.

ALL of the above is purely opinion and suuuuuper subjective. If you feel you want to have kids, don't let a business stand in the way of that. Instead, let it be the driving motivation to force you to make it work. BUT, it's entirely up to you two.

Hope that helps!

Where are you based now Sean? Are you still travelling with the children now they're older? Or do you have a base.
 
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Mattie

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Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:
  • Share advice/things we should consider
  • Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
  • Regrets of having or not having
  • If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?
Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.
I think it just depends your value system. What is most important to
Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:
  • Share advice/things we should consider
  • Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
  • Regrets of having or not having
  • If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?
Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.
I have no regrets at all. It was probably one of the most joyful experiences of my life. It's always been a blessing and fun at times.

I think it depends on the parent truthfully. I just had this discussion in a group where the mother had a new born and didn't like it.

I think some men and women are meant to be parents and love it like myself, where others may not see it as important or they don't value the experience or relationship. I would say if I wasn't a mother i wouldn't have the drive, the ambition, the motivation to even be innovative and creative. I think children inspire you to be creative, artistic, innovative, and it's just naturally part of the job of being a parent. They are just a mini me of you with their own personality, ideas, beliefs, and journey in life.

I think they sometimes even teach you wonderful things about life as you go.

Again it is all about you and your wife what your looking to get out of the experience. What do you hope to gain from the relationship. I see as a growth experience and reaching maturation every step you go along the journey. Children push you to reach your best self.

I'm sure this probably is different for everyone. It's all about your perception of being a parent.
 

Equilibrium

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They F*ck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f*cked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

This Be The Verse -Philip Larkin​

 

Antifragile

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I have a kid and I kick more a$$ than most of you and I'm fitter and better looking too. I'm selfish tho. I spend all day with my family, and all day doing what I want, including growing my income.

If you have a weak mind and you have a kid, you will still have a weak mind when the baby comes. Same goes for if you have a strong mind before/after.

If you don't have a kid and you choke on a McNugget, your kid won't save your life because you never had one. In that sense, they're an expensive long-term insurance policy.

Also, I don't plan to die ever and I'll go to any length to ensure my continued existence.

:)

LOL.

And I’ll add, I’m happier because the amount of joy this little angel brings to my life is like nothing I ever expected.

People don’t rise to the occasion, we fall to the lowest level of preparation. Same with kids, if you were weak before kids - you’re F*cked after lol.


I had a vasectomy when I was 22. I'm 30 now and I'm super glad I did it.

It was one of the best decisions of my life. The peace of mind is so worth it.

I understand why people want to have children. I don't have an issue with that. But personally, I prefer a child-free life. I value my freedom way too much.

What is “freedom”? You sound like you are “selfish” but I think you aren’t selfish enough. I’m more selfish! I have a kid and the joy I experience daily can’t compare to some travel. I’m not worried about missing out on some little phantom pleasure like visiting another country. It’s a fleeting moment. Deep and lasting joy - that’s what I get. The grin on my face from my own kid… it’s so big it hurts.

Comparing your time with nieces and nephews is also wrong. Not your kiddo. Doesn’t give you same love back. You are a nobody there.

But, the good thing is this. If you are struggling with finding room for a kid in your life … it’s probably a good thing you don’t have one. You’d hate it. When it takes time away from something you want to do, you’d blame the kid and not your lack of strength and creativity. Like people who don’t realize you can get fitter with kids because kids are heavy. It’s nature’s way, isn’t it?
 
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kommen

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Hi, I'm 19 and I'm way too young to give an answer. But I thought this is a very interesting thread that makes me want to ask,

How old do you guys think is too old for a man to have children?
 
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Lex DeVille

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Hi, I'm 19 and I'm way too young to give an answer. But I thought this is a very interesting thread that makes me want to ask,

How old do you guys think is too old for a man to bear children?

Men don't bear children.
 

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Posting partially because I'm about to head out and I want to read all the posts ITT later.

but... I've just turned 30 and wife is 29. We've been together 11 years this year, and married 4.

I can't wait to have kids. I don't see a future life without them (unless either of us physically cant). My wife doesn't want them yet but i think does so in the future. She's not very broody though, which is probably a good thing because all my friends girlfriends and wives are chomping at the bit for kids and the boyfriends are really anti-them.

Live in quite a small house though atm, so I think it definitely makes sense to move house (which we plan on doing next year) and then thinking about it after that.

Edit: I like the idea of being able to pass on wealth, knowledge, wisdom etc to kids. I didn't really have much growing up, or many opportunities. And my dad was always working like 90hours a week, so didn't really see him much. I'd love to be able to spend a ton of time with my kids and not have them necessarily make decisions based on money, but because of what they were interested in. Whereas I just chased the moneybags.
 

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Hi, I'm 19 and I'm way too young to give an answer. But I thought this is a very interesting thread that makes me want to ask,

How old do you guys think is too old for a man to have children?
Men could have children at older age without the risk of having exponential risk of having unhealthy children (compared to women) though technically I saw article that sperm quality does drop after age 45.

Since men age slowly from a fertility pov, the other real age is measured from general health point of view. If you watch your diet, exercise and do not let stress get out of control, you don’t age that fast biologically. You maintain high mental physical energy, with low risk of illness even if your age by birth is not that young.

The bigger risk is financial. The whole married with kids, gets laid off at 40s at a dead end job, while you found yourself having little money saved after mortgages payment and all sort of bills, is a real typical nightmare. Chances are if these are happening, your marriage could be shaky too.

Having a kid is not the sole cause, but it plays a part in eating up monetary and time resource of yours.

The question is how much financial foundation you have in place before you have kids, in my opinion.
 
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