Anger Issues

[Roli]

I have a quick temper, it's something I've been working on for a long time now, but at the moment I'm struggling. I'm trying to quit or at least cut down on smoking (marijuana), but it's the only thing that calms me when I feel myself flying into a rage. Maybe it's got something to do with my childhood, I grew up in an area where the ability to be violent was an asset.

I'm 51 now and it's better than in my teens, 20s, or even 30s. In fact if I lived in America through that time, the easy access to guns over there leaves me in no doubt I'd be in prison for murder. Even though I'm 51 now, I almost got into a fight the other day with some little scrote who was rude to me in a shop, it's only because he threatened to shoot me (not a real threat where I live) and I started laughing, which diffused the situation.

I hate losing my shit, I hate how I feel afterwards, I hate making people feel scared or uncomfortable (I'm a big [not fat] guy) and it just all round feels like a waste of energy.

The usual advice (count to ten and all that bs) does not work on me, I'm too angry in the moment to feel it. When I lose it, I can feel my brain splitting in two. On one side is the rational, much quieter side saying "no, chill, don't do this. You'll regret this afterwards" The other, much louder, side of me is shouting "JUST F*ckING SMASH!!!"

So, anyone else out there with these issues that has found a good coping mechanism please feel free to drop a few lines on how it's worked for you.

 

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[Private Witt]

I'm on day 30 of quitting weed and can say my anxiety has plummeted and feel way more calm. I'm a passive/aggressive non-violent person so a little different but I do get upset with things and bottle it up and once every six months or so lose my chit and interested to see what others say on this matter.

 

[Choate]

I'm no expert, but I'd guess that the long term weed use has you functioning at a lower level than you could be functioning on, and it's not the solution to your fits of rage, but rather a contributing factor. I've seen similar in other long time smokers in my own family.

Quit the weed and hit the gym more.

 

[Roli]

I'm no expert, but I'd guess that the long term weed use has you functioning at a lower level than you could be functioning on, and it's not the solution to your fits of rage, but rather a contributing factor. I've seen similar in other long time smokers in my own family.

Quit the weed and hit the gym more.

You are one hundred percent right. The old me would have got super defensive, but it's clearly true.

I exercise 5-6 days a week, eat healthily, do cold exposure and anything else I can in order to if not negate, at least mitigate some of the negative effects of smoking. Bizarely in my last health check a couple of years ago, I apparently have the lung capacity of a 21 year old elite athlete, so I guess it's working somewhat on a physiological level. However, like you correctly point out, on a psychological level it is affecting me big time.

I am on a cut down regime, I've tried cold-turkey and it hasn't worked, so I'm going for control over abstinence.

 

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[Roli]

I'm on day 30 of quitting weed and can say my anxiety has plummeted and feel way more calm. I'm a passive/aggressive non-violent person so a little different but I do get upset with things and bottle it up and once every six months or so lose my chit and interested to see what others say on this matter.

Here's to the next 30 days! Cheers!

By the way, I don't smoke skunk as that triggers anxiety in a massive way, but still, I take your point about the anxiety.

 

[Private Witt]

Here's to the next 30 days! Cheers!

By the way, I don't smoke skunk as that triggers anxiety in a massive way, but still, I take your point about the anxiety.

Thanks man! Hate to tell you this but long term weed abuse regardless of skunk or which other stain leads to anxiety, the suppression of REM sleep and other issues we think it's actually helping. New age cannabis is not like the old days stuff. Maybe in your country a little different but if you think you are abusing weed it may have something to do with your anger but sure like you said environment has something to do with too. Hope you can find some peace and thrive. I'm looking forward to what 100 days weed free looks like. This is a double challenge for me as own many brands in cannabis.

 

[Kevin88660]

I have a quick temper, it's something I've been working on for a long time now, but at the moment I'm struggling. I'm trying to quit or at least cut down on smoking (marijuana), but it's the only thing that calms me when I feel myself flying into a rage. Maybe it's got something to do with my childhood, I grew up in an area where the ability to be violent was an asset.

I'm 51 now and it's better than in my teens, 20s, or even 30s. In fact if I lived in America through that time, the easy access to guns over there leaves me in no doubt I'd be in prison for murder. Even though I'm 51 now, I almost got into a fight the other day with some little scrote who was rude to me in a shop, it's only because he threatened to shoot me (not a real threat where I live) and I started laughing, which diffused the situation.

I hate losing my shit, I hate how I feel afterwards, I hate making people feel scared or uncomfortable (I'm a big [not fat] guy) and it just all round feels like a waste of energy.

The usual advice (count to ten and all that bs) does not work on me, I'm too angry in the moment to feel it. When I lose it, I can feel my brain splitting in two. On one side is the rational, much quieter side saying "no, chill, don't do this. You'll regret this afterwards" The other, much louder, side of me is shouting "JUST F*ckING SMASH!!!"

So, anyone else out there with these issues that has found a good coping mechanism please feel free to drop a few lines on how it's worked for you.

There is usually two component to this and one is personality and temper which you are trying to work on.

The other component is how satisfied you are with your own life which you could work on the imperfection here and there.

I am generally good tempered but during lows of life when things don’t get my way I could remember viewing the outside world in a more antagonist manner.

When your own life is in order and you see incremental progress you are less likely yo get triggered.

 

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[socaldude]

You have to "de-construct" and "de-energize" anger.

Anger is a stimulus response to a person who caused you pain, then you project thoughts, justifications and actions towards that person.

You need self-awareness and then you need to replace the anger with better values and more positive emotions.

Also you are just hurting yourself in the end as anger is a form of sadness and weakness.

 

[PureA]

I get angry when I'm anxious (too many stimulants) - check your stim intake.

Check your diet, the blood sugar rollercoaster will make a beast out of any man. You are an organic machine... inputs = outputs

You've heard it a million times before, but meditation will change your life. Use the waking up app by Sam Harris. Try it for 30 days and I promise you won't want to go back, you can always quit...

If you need an endorsement Ray Dailo credits meditation is the most important thing in helping him accumulate $19b.

pm me if you want.

 

[WJK]

I have a quick temper, it's something I've been working on for a long time now, but at the moment I'm struggling. I'm trying to quit or at least cut down on smoking (marijuana), but it's the only thing that calms me when I feel myself flying into a rage. Maybe it's got something to do with my childhood, I grew up in an area where the ability to be violent was an asset.

I'm 51 now and it's better than in my teens, 20s, or even 30s. In fact if I lived in America through that time, the easy access to guns over there leaves me in no doubt I'd be in prison for murder. Even though I'm 51 now, I almost got into a fight the other day with some little scrote who was rude to me in a shop, it's only because he threatened to shoot me (not a real threat where I live) and I started laughing, which diffused the situation.

I hate losing my shit, I hate how I feel afterwards, I hate making people feel scared or uncomfortable (I'm a big [not fat] guy) and it just all round feels like a waste of energy.

The usual advice (count to ten and all that bs) does not work on me, I'm too angry in the moment to feel it. When I lose it, I can feel my brain splitting in two. On one side is the rational, much quieter side saying "no, chill, don't do this. You'll regret this afterwards" The other, much louder, side of me is shouting "JUST F*ckING SMASH!!!"

So, anyone else out there with these issues that has found a good coping mechanism please feel free to drop a few lines on how it's worked for you.

I know in a negotiation that the guy who gets the most emotional loses. I hate losing for stupid reasons -- like my own bad behavior. How can you hear what the other person is saying? How can you think if you are having a meltdown?

And here's another thought. You may be intimidating other people with your outbursts, but you are not convincing them of anything. They will walk away and never return if they can get away from you. You should want people to like you and trust you. Who likes or trusts a bully? You can't get people on your team IF you act like an a$$. Business and human life take the cooperation of other people. Instead, you are asking others to be passive-aggressive with you when they must deal with you. They will try to take you down.

You have a vested interest in controlling yourself. Your behavior pattern is self-defeating. Maybe you need to talk to the guy in your mirror and make some hard decisions. Only you can control yourself!

 

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[starttoday123]

Read 10x books about the problem by authors who overcame it, audiobooks if you don’t read. Also podcasts, community group meetings about it, conferences, tell friends and family, search for content to learn more on YouTube like “how to deal with anger”, don’t talk bad of yourself and what you did just focus on the better future you’re making

 

[Black_Dragon43]

My take will not be liked by most people, but I think anger is a gift. If you’re not angry, you’ll struggle to get rich.

I’m angry when I see someone doing better than me — that motivates me to work hard and get ahead of them.

If you can sit by while a lambo whizzes past you without feeling anger, then you won’t get rich. Without that anger your drive to succeed would be seriously imperilled.

It’s true that anger can also be self-destructive. You need to know how to channel it, but you don’t want to get rid of it, regardless of what the Stoics and Buddhists tell you.

 

[Black_Dragon43]

I know in a negotiation that the guy who gets the most emotional loses.

Everyone says this, but this hasn’t been my experience. I frequently get angry and emotional in negotiations and I tend to win more often than not. In fact, I’d win LESS if I wouldn’t get as emotional. Getting emotional allows you to uncover the truth and get the other side to face the facts. Everybody wants to take the easy way out instead, and will only go down the hard path if pushed from behind.

Although, I will give you that getting emotional tends to drain you and probably has bad effects on your health. But it works.

 

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[DW85014]

I have a quick temper, it's something I've been working on for a long time now, but at the moment I'm struggling. I'm trying to quit or at least cut down on smoking (marijuana), but it's the only thing that calms me when I feel myself flying into a rage. Maybe it's got something to do with my childhood, I grew up in an area where the ability to be violent was an asset.

I'm 51 now and it's better than in my teens, 20s, or even 30s. In fact if I lived in America through that time, the easy access to guns over there leaves me in no doubt I'd be in prison for murder. Even though I'm 51 now, I almost got into a fight the other day with some little scrote who was rude to me in a shop, it's only because he threatened to shoot me (not a real threat where I live) and I started laughing, which diffused the situation.

I hate losing my shit, I hate how I feel afterwards, I hate making people feel scared or uncomfortable (I'm a big [not fat] guy) and it just all round feels like a waste of energy.

The usual advice (count to ten and all that bs) does not work on me, I'm too angry in the moment to feel it. When I lose it, I can feel my brain splitting in two. On one side is the rational, much quieter side saying "no, chill, don't do this. You'll regret this afterwards" The other, much louder, side of me is shouting "JUST F*ckING SMASH!!!"

So, anyone else out there with these issues that has found a good coping mechanism please feel free to drop a few lines on how it's worked for you.

So at 22 I was just like you. I had a quick temper flew off the handle very quickly and blamed everyone around me for the bulk of my problems.

One day one of my best friends said something pretty rude to me and all I could think about was killing him for the insult.

We were roommates at the time and I took a walk to calm down, walked down to bookstore - which was easily 2 miles away at the time - I was in Chicago at the time. Anyway, I used to use read when I got really stressed and the first few books I read in that bookstore just set me off more.

I came across the Christianity aisle and things didn't calm me down.

I went to the history aisle and nothing seemed to calm me down but found some strategies for killing my friend quicker.

Then I came upon the Eastern Philosophy section and I picked up a book of koans and started to read.

One was the story of a group of 30 guy friends who had gone on camping trip on a mountain- back in 500 BC (it was a cool thing to do back then rumor has it) :
So 29 of the guys had brought along their wives but one single guy brought along a courtesan (basically a prostitute).
Well, the guys and the girls partied into the wee hours of the night, got drunk and had some fun.
However, in the morning, one of the first to wake up noticed his (500 BC-era wallet was gone) then his wife noticed that all her jewelery was gone. As more couples woke up they noticed their possesions were gone as well.
Then Larry (the guy who brought the courtesan- rumor has it) noticed the courtesan was gone and so was his wallet.
Well the group was furious a little bit at Larry for bringing the courtesan but mostly at the courtesan because clearly she had robbed them all.

So a group of the guys started down the mountain in search for the courtesan and the first person they came to - a young man - they said "Have you seen this courtesan? She took all our money! She took all our jewelry! we must find her and get our revenge!"
The young man said "No I haven't seen the courtesan"
They thanked him and moved on.

The group got farther down the mountain and came upon an old lady. They asked the old lady ""Have you seen this courtesan? She took all our money! She took all our jewelry! we must find her and get our revenge!""
The old lady said "No I haven't seen the courtesan"
They thanked her and moved on.

Finally, they came upon this guy from town named Buddha who always hung out at this Bodhi Tree. They asked Buddha " Hey Buddha, have you seen this courtesan? She took all our money! She took all our jewelry! we must find her and get our revenge!"

Buddha thought for a moment and said "No, I haven't seen the courtesan, BUT, Can I ask YOU a question"

Larry and the gang thought for a 1/2 second and said "Sure" Still a little angry but confused.

Buddha asked "Is it more important for you to find this courtesan or to find enlightenment?"

They thought for a 1/2 second and said "Well, enlightenment...duh"

Buddha replied "Well sit down and meditate with me now" and those who sat became the first Buddhist monks.

Anyway after I read that, something flipped in me and I started pursuing my ideal of "the truth" and reducing the list of things that annoy me. I also started Meditating pretty regularly too. Also, that best friend is still a best friend today but that's a whole 'nother story.

What's odd is that I also started wearing a jade necklace then as well and it's been about 20 years at this point almost exactly and just yesterday my 2nd jade necklace broke from about 15 years of wear and tear. Not sure if that's a sign from the universe to evolve my worldview further or just to get another necklace.

My advice to the author though is pursue meditation as a practice - possibly guided meditation if you're not sure where to start.

If you read down to this point you should get a prize - I hope this was helpful.

 

[WJK]

Everyone says this, but this hasn’t been my experience. I frequently get angry and emotional in negotiations and I tend to win more often than not. In fact, I’d win LESS if I wouldn’t get as emotional. Getting emotional allows you to uncover the truth and get the other side to face the facts. Everybody wants to take the easy way out instead, and will only go down the hard path if pushed from behind.

Although, I will give you that getting emotional tends to drain you and probably has bad effects on your health. But it works.

That only works IF you aren't ruffled inside. Yes, I can put on a good show and get my way. I’m much better at winning rather than losing. My best skill is getting others to think that it is their idea. That works a lot better for me.

BUT, if I was really angry inside, it wouldn't work. Anger makes you do and say stupid things. It disconnects your rational brain from your emotional brain.

 

[Black_Dragon43]

That only works IF you aren't ruffled inside. Yes, I can put on a good show and get my way.

Right, you still need to retain control. But… “putting on a good show” as you say, is still emotionally draining. You will still feel anger, fight or flight etc, it’s just that you will be in control of what you say and do.

 

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[Roli]

Check your diet, the blood sugar rollercoaster will make a beast out of any man.

I hear ya! I get hangry if I don't eat right.

Use the waking up app by Sam Harris.

I meditate, however I've heard this is good, however I can't be asked to pay for something I so easily do for free.

My advice to the author though is pursue meditation as a practice - possibly guided meditation if you're not sure where to start.

If you read down to this point you should get a prize - I hope this was helpful.

I do indeed meditate, everyday for around 10-15 minutes. It doesn't help in the moment though... or maybe it does and I haven't noticed!

My take will not be liked by most people, but I think anger is a gift. If you’re not angry, you’ll struggle to get rich.

I’m angry when I see someone doing better than me — that motivates me to work hard and get ahead of them.

It's funny because in my OP I was going to say, I don't want to rid myself completely of my anger, because I see it as my passion. Plus as I'm getting older, I want to know I can still fight if some young buck tries it with me.

My daughter helps, I feel terrible any time I shout at her and do it less and less these days.

Anger like you say, can be good, but loss of control is not, I guess that's my main problem.

 

[Black_Dragon43]

I don't want to rid myself completely of my anger, because I see it as my passion

Exactly — you only get angry if you care about things, if you are, as you say, passionate, alive.

Anger like you say, can be good, but loss of control is not, I guess that's my main problem.

Yes, this is it. I think first thing to deal with is identify if the issue is coming from instant anger that quickly vanishes, or from stewing in anger about things for a longer time.

Instant anger is less damaging and you can usually get back control more easily… but, it’s harder to stop.

Quick example: if I’m playing chess, and someone interrupts me, I will tell them I’m busy, but if they insist I’ll fly into a rage, because I can’t afford to have my attention distracted. That is an example of “quick” anger. I’m angry for literarily 5 seconds, then quickly calm down and even if the person insists further I will just tend to ignore them instead.

The way to combat this is to slow things down — in my case, it happens because I feel I don’t have enough time and need to think fast. I can combat it by taking a breath and trying to deal with the situation knowing that I really do have time. So with instant anger, you have to work at the root cause of it.

Then with long-term anger — this is honestly a much bigger issue. If someone insults you, and then you keep playing the movie of the insult in your mind, keep thinking about it, fantasizing your revenge, etc… that is a much bigger problem. There is no easy fix for this.

The last time I got angry like that was a couple of months back, and I literarily thought I’d have a heart attack. After 2 hours of the event I was still angry, heart rate was 130bpm and I had chest pains. And I tried breathing, tried everything, it wasn’t working, at least not at first.

So I started to reason with myself like “look, this is an important thing, you’ll need to deal with it, but you can’t deal with it effectively if you’re like this. You don’t need to feel like this to deal with it. A strong person, a professional, deals with issues, so this isn’t about avoiding them. You will deal with them, just that you don’t need to be angry in the process. Look you’re already feeling bad and weak inside your body, so let’s calm down, and then we’ll get this sorted”

Suffice to say that my heart rate dropped to like 110bpm in the next few minutes and I continued with deep breathing, chest pain disappeared, and I felt a lot stronger and in control. The effects of the stress hormones took hours to completely vanish and return to normal, even after that, but I felt much better and gained back control. I ended up solving the issue without drama, just by being straightforward with what I wanted to the other person.

 

[Andy Black]

I see anger as not wanting things the way they are AND a feeling of helplessness that it can't be changed.

It helps me deal with people who are angry. And it helps me stop getting angry.

 

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[Black_Dragon43]

a feeling of helplessness that it can't be changed.

How do you avoid feeling the helplessness @Andy Black ? Let’s say someone from your team steals $20,000 from you, and you can’t legally pursue them for whatever reason. How would you avoid feeling helpless in that situation, and hence angry, if you know you most likely can’t get the money back?

 

[Roli]

Quick example: if I’m playing chess, and someone interrupts me, I will tell them I’m busy, but if they insist I’ll fly into a rage,

Lol, I've literally got a youtube channel called rage quit chess!

Then with long-term anger — this is honestly a much bigger issue. If someone insults you, and then you keep playing the movie of the insult in your mind, keep thinking about it, fantasizing your revenge, etc… that is a much bigger problem. There is no easy fix for this.

Reading your example on long-term anger has made me realise I have actually improved massively in that area. I used to get way more long-term angry than I do now. These days it's more about the instant blow up, me going from zero to one hundred in the blink of an eye and then later regretting it.

I guess like you say, it's about catching that first breath, if I do that I have more of a chance to control my outburst. Perhaps I should hold the image of my daughter in my mind in those moments, because she has the best calming effect on me.

 

[Kevin88660]

How do you avoid feeling the helplessness @Andy Black ? Let’s say someone from your team steals $20,000 from you, and you can’t legally pursue them for whatever reason. How would you avoid feeling helpless in that situation, and hence angry, if you know you most likely can’t get the money back?

I think the orginal intention of the thread was about how to cut down unnecessary escalations.

Back to your question thieves have pattern that are recognizable. They likely have stolen in the past or have chronic gambling or money issues. I would blame the victim’s background check process also for letting someone gain access to that money without due dilligence.

Don’t start worrying about the issue only when it already happens.

I would never think it is a good idea to trust a gigantic sum of money to trust in a single unmarried guy with no children. When men become parents they become a different kinds of animals who stop taking stupid unethical risk. You don’t want to have vengeful enemies in the world when you have children.

 

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[Private Witt]

How do you avoid feeling the helplessness @Andy Black ? Let’s say someone from your team steals $20,000 from you, and you can’t legally pursue them for whatever reason. How would you avoid feeling helpless in that situation, and hence angry, if you know you most likely can’t get the money back?

In this case this is when this happens..

 

[Andy Black]

How do you avoid feeling the helplessness @Andy Black ? Let’s say someone from your team steals $20,000 from you, and you can’t legally pursue them for whatever reason. How would you avoid feeling helpless in that situation, and hence angry, if you know you most likely can’t get the money back?

If that happened my first reaction would likely be shock and like my stomach had dropped. I don't think my first reaction would be anger.

I'd try to breathe and maybe go for a walk. I'd be trying to calm my mind and not make matters worse.

I worked in IT supporting critical business systems. The first thing I learned was to keep my head and not make things worse.

"Nothing's so f*cked up you can't f*ck it up more."

Think your way through it, rather than go off half cocked. And if that means stepping away to take a few breathes and calm down then that's better than hammering away at it.

In those moments, and on that walk, I'd try and figure out if I can do anything about it, and if I can't, then what I can do to not allow things to get worse.

I'll logically try and control what I think about the situation, and go looking for silver linings. In a way I'm hacking my own brain.

"I'm glad it was only $20k they stole and I found out now."

"At least I found out and got rid of them before they ruined my reputation in the market."

"How can I turn this to my advantage? Are there holes in my systems that I can now see and close?"

Etc.

I remember hearing a boss give a reference for me on the phone. "What's he like under pressure? Ha. He's still there, giggling."

I'm known to get calmer when the shit hits the fan, not madder. It's intentional and I suspect my military dad had a hand in that.

 

[Happyheart]

I hear ya! I get hangry if I don't eat right.

I meditate, however I've heard this is good, however I can't be asked to pay for something I so easily do for free.

I do indeed meditate, everyday for around 10-15 minutes. It doesn't help in the moment though... or maybe it does and I haven't noticed!


It's funny because in my OP I was going to say, I don't want to rid myself completely of my anger, because I see it as my passion. Plus as I'm getting older, I want to know I can still fight if some young buck tries it with me.

My daughter helps, I feel terrible any time I shout at her and do it less and less these days.

Anger like you say, can be good, but loss of control is not, I guess that's my main problem.

The interesting question of control. Would you be able to control yourself if a big muscular guy with a machine gun was aiming at you? If yes, you have to acknowledge that you do have control, but unconsciously give yourself permission to act out, because you can. If no, you need to think about medical help.


1. If the adrenalin kicks in you think with your reptile brain, that know to kill or be killed. You want to take advantage of your frontal cortex - your intelligent brain
2. learn to relax your body at the drop of a hat (this takes a few months) - if you do this in tense situations it will help make the adrenalin go away and you can think with the intelligent part of the brain
3. Every time you do this, it will make the nerve paths in your brain stronger that lead you to think with your frontal lobe when angry and you will learn to relax very swiftly in tense situations

Our brains are plastic and can change. There are people who learn how to ride a one-wheeled cycle on a tightrope. If they can, you can learn how to think with your frontal brain instead of with your instincts. Takes practice though. You have gotten some very good answers about nutrition and sport as well.

Good luck!

 

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[Roli]

If that happened my first reaction would likely be shock and like my stomach had dropped. I don't think my first reaction would be anger.

I'd try to breathe and maybe go for a walk. I'd be trying to calm my mind and not make matters worse.

I worked in IT supporting critical business systems. The first thing I learned was to keep my head and not make things worse.

"Nothing's so f*cked up you can't f*ck it up more."

Think your way through it, rather than go off half cocked. And if that means stepping away to take a few breathes and calm down then that's better than hammering away at it.

In those moments, and on that walk, I'd try and figure out if I can do anything about it, and if I can't, then what I can do to not allow things to get worse.

I'll logically try and control what I think about the situation, and go looking for silver linings. In a way I'm hacking my own brain.

"I'm glad it was only $20k they stole and I found out now."

"At least I found out and got rid of them before they ruined my reputation in the market."

"How can I turn this to my advantage? Are there holes in my systems that I can now see and close?"

Etc.

I remember hearing a boss give a reference for me on the phone. "What's he like under pressure? Ha. He's still there, giggling."

I'm known to get calmer when the shit hits the fan, not madder. It's intentional and I suspect my military dad had a hand in that.

Having spoken to you personally and read a ton of your content on here, I can one hundred percent believe you would react like that.

I on the other hand would be sitting there inventing different and ingenious ways in which I can hurt the person. Although situations such as this hypothetical aren't my problem. It's the situations whereby I need to stay calm in the moment which are my Achilles

 

[Matt Lee]

Have you tried writing out what you'd do to a person when you are angry in a private journal?

I think I got this routine from the book "How to stop worrying and start living". Abraham Lincoln (if I recall correctly) did this too because he had quite a temper. He never quite mailed these angry letters to the recipients or maybe he did... but his wife burnt them before they got shipped.

In short, when something or someone live in your head rent-free, it's best if you put your feelings and thoughts down on paper---how nasty the person is, what you feel like doing to them(if the police wouldn't catch you), why they are such assholes, and whatever detail you'd like to put down. Then you close the journal and you get on with your life.

You're better than to 1) burst/lose control and 2) give them a reaction. People love it when you get angry because it give them a reason to get angry too. Yeah, but he started first. He punched me first.

Your time is always worth more than having to argue or prove a point to someone. I find myself asking when I get pissed off "Do they even deserve my time?" or "I'll be the bigger man here". I also learned the hard way that I really can't change anyone's opinion or attitude even if I make a rational argument. They're always on the right side and I'm always wrong. Even if I'm actually right... so proving that you're right is a waste of time.

Lastly, it's best not to show anyone that journal(they might put you in a psych ward). What has helped me is just to write out all the bad stuff that's on my mind and read it a few times. Then you'll have a bird eye view of how the other person is actually an idiot and you'd be a bigger idiot if you let the other idiot get a reaction from you.

 

[WJK]

How do you avoid feeling the helplessness @Andy Black ? Let’s say someone from your team steals $20,000 from you, and you can’t legally pursue them for whatever reason. How would you avoid feeling helpless in that situation, and hence angry, if you know you most likely can’t get the money back?

I've had those moments. My problem is the person's betrayal more than the money. And I know it's my fault for creating a system failure where they could steal from me. $20,000 is not a lot of money when you consider a business cash flow, but any loss is a breakdown.

One of my safety nets is that I do my own bookkeeping. It's a total pain, but I have friends who have lost heaps of money by having someone else with their fingers in the pie. My assistant does some of the physical work like scanning and filing, but I see and sign everything. I've automated a lot of it. It's much easier to do these days. Statements are instantly available online.

Another danger point is stealing materials and misusing credit cards/ credit lines. Again, just being aware and being hands-on in the business can really help control these problems.

 

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[REV5028]

It seems like you're on a good path forward! I agree with a lot of what you and others have said about diet, exercising, cutting back on weed, meditation, and not dismissing anger altogether. I think of anger as a secondary emotion - there's almost always a deeper reason/emotion for the anger. I think it helps to dig deeper into the anger. Kind of like how Andy described what he would do in a situation where $20k was stolen from him. It's not anger first, it's betrayal, surprise, sadness, relief, disappointment, etc. all at once that bubble up so fast that you don't have enough time to feel all the feels and so you express anger and rage. If you can reflect on past times where you felt really really angry and identify all the emotions comprising the anger, I think it could help you deescalate things and keep a little calmer in the future when you start becoming enraged. Also, where did your anger issues start? I used to have horrible road rage until I realized that I was really getting upset over nothing and I realized that I was just copying my dad.

 

[Antifragile]

I have a quick temper, it's something I've been working on for a long time now, but at the moment I'm struggling. I'm trying to quit or at least cut down on smoking (marijuana), but it's the only thing that calms me when I feel myself flying into a rage. Maybe it's got something to do with my childhood, I grew up in an area where the ability to be violent was an asset.

I'm 51 now and it's better than in my teens, 20s, or even 30s. In fact if I lived in America through that time, the easy access to guns over there leaves me in no doubt I'd be in prison for murder. Even though I'm 51 now, I almost got into a fight the other day with some little scrote who was rude to me in a shop, it's only because he threatened to shoot me (not a real threat where I live) and I started laughing, which diffused the situation.

I hate losing my shit, I hate how I feel afterwards, I hate making people feel scared or uncomfortable (I'm a big [not fat] guy) and it just all round feels like a waste of energy.

The usual advice (count to ten and all that bs) does not work on me, I'm too angry in the moment to feel it. When I lose it, I can feel my brain splitting in two. On one side is the rational, much quieter side saying "no, chill, don't do this. You'll regret this afterwards" The other, much louder, side of me is shouting "JUST F*ckING SMASH!!!"

So, anyone else out there with these issues that has found a good coping mechanism please feel free to drop a few lines on how it's worked for you.

Lots of interesting replies already…

A little different angle for you from my own life. Growing up in Eastern Europe being tough was an asset. That and various family dynamics made my fuse short.

Today I am seem by most people around me as the calm and rational one. Never buckle under pressure, and you can’t set me off even if you try.

What’s the difference?

One word: identity.

Who are you as a person? What is your identity? I accepted that since as far back as I can remember, I was meant to be tough. Weak men are weak for a reason. I thought being angry was being tough, only later to realize that only weak men are angry. Men who aren’t in control aren’t tough. “Losing it” isn’t being tough, it’s the opposite.

In the animal kingdom, there is a certain graceful calmness about top of the pyramid predators. They are in control over their emotions. Same with humans. And that realization is what changed me. My identity is consistent with my behaviour now.

I am a calm person. Try as you might to set me off, you won’t succeed. You may even be physically stronger than me, but I’ll be tougher.


Sidebar: distilling why someone typically gets mad is simple. It is a violation of a rule in your own mind. Your rule. Not a real rule, just your own rule that you made up. That means you can make up a new rule. Unless you are weak. Weak men cannot do that. Like when someone is rude to you. It is your rule that “such and such has no right to talk to me this way”. My rule will be “this personal demeanour is beneath me, people who are like me don’t engage with losers like this person. People like him did not earn the right to take up my time and any emotion from me, that is reserved for people I like/love” etc.


Outcome?
- Turns out my new approach means I do very well in negotiations. And that helps me with my business.
- Same with family
… most of all, I am happier being this way.

In short, don’t look for a “method”. As Nike says “just do it” - you have the power within you to change your mind from being easily triggered to someone who’s calm. Calm people are wickedly tough.

Edit:
Of course, everyone has limits. And I do mediate (TM), go for walks, read and write to remain in control over my responses to life’s events. The difference is just like for people who try to quit an addiction. As long as you identify as a “smoker who’s trying to quit” you’ll fail. The minute you start identifying as a “non-smoker who occasionally smokes” you’ve done it. Identity.

It is not what happens to you, it is how you react to it that matters.