What can i do to improve my social skills in lockdown?

[fastermillionair]

In my early 20's and had a rough patch the last couple of years which nearly destroyed my personality. So not quite a social person mostly because I lived in my head too much and became anxious in social situations. But I absolutely hate it and want to start living and having fun.

I have this problem of being delusional sometimes; thinking people like me when they dont, thinking a girls interested in me when she isnt. What can I do to fix this? It feels so good to think all this but then time goes by and you realise it's fake but since it's become a habit it continues.

I used to overthink all day but lately I have started studying and working out which has distracted me but the 'personality' problem still exists. How do I work on it? How do i improve my social skills right now?

I got a couple of books - the charisma myth/how to win friends and influence people/ but other than that dont really know what to do.

 

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[BlackSuperman]

The only way to improve your social skills is to put yourself out there and practice.
I was in a similar situation. Still am. But at a much better level than before.

The 2 Tips You Need To Grow Your Social Circle Tenfold!

1. Be mindful and aware of yourself, your flaws, and who you are as a person. You can't understand others without understanding yourself. Take a personality test (I recommend Myers Briggs. Costs $50 but taught me more about my personality than other sources.)
2. Listen. This is single-handedly the best advice I was ever given. Become a listener. Don't just hear someone. Truly listen to what they have to say. Understand their words as well as the underlying thoughts behind them. Society is attracted to those who will listen to what they have to say.


Use these 2 points as a starting point (no pun intended.) Put yourself in situations where you have to interact with others daily. Becoming a social beast is a marathon. NOT A RACE!

I wish you luck! The fact you're asking this question is already a Great First Step In The Right Direction.

 

[Guest-5ty5s4]

Relationships are like anything else in life. If you skip from level 1 to level 10, you’re going to have a rough time.

For instance, you shouldn’t meet a girl and immediately be trying to impress her or make her fall in love with you. That’s normally awkward and creepy! Just be friends first. If there’s some other spark, that’s different.

Just make acquaintances with people, become friends, get to know them as friends, then go from there.

Not sure where you are or what your lockdown situation is, but try hanging out with friends at your home or their home. The more the merrier. Meet new people. They should be guys and girls.

Heck, talk to people of different ages too, this helps with social skills. Be friends with parents of your friends, older coworkers, those who are your age, people you work with, etc.

 

[Raoul Duke]

Not sure where you are or what your lockdown situation is, but try hanging out with friends at your home or their home. The more the merrier. Meet new people. They should be guys and girls.

Heck, talk to people of different ages too, this helps with social skills. Be friends with parents of your friends, older coworkers, those who are your age, people you work with, etc.

Just make sure you practice social distancing and wear a chin diaper.

 

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[Alxf]

In my early 20's and had a rough patch the last couple of years which nearly destroyed my personality. So not quite a social person mostly because I lived in my head too much and became anxious in social situations. But I absolutely hate it and want to start living and having fun.

I have this problem of being delusional sometimes; thinking people like me when they dont, thinking a girls interested in me when she isnt. What can I do to fix this? It feels so good to think all this but then time goes by and you realise it's fake but since it's become a habit it continues.

I used to overthink all day but lately I have started studying and working out which has distracted me but the 'personality' problem still exists. How do I work on it? How do i improve my social skills right now?

I got a couple of books - the charisma myth/how to win friends and influence people/ but other than that dont really know what to do.

I think one of the best things you can do to improve your social skills, anxiety, living in your head, etc.. it to practice the habit directing your focus *outwards* instead of inwards. Learn how to forget yourself and your bs.

That is, focus on other people, and what they need and want. Focus on action instead of rumination; that is, what you can do to improve any situation at hand.

To be clear, that is not the same as *what they think of you*. People are socially awkward because they are trying to engineer social situations and manage peoples thoughts and feelings. Don't do that. You don't know what people think of you, and you should do your best to not focus on that.

Instead, learn how to take your ego out of the equation. Stop giving 'F*cks' as some would say.

I apologize if this is all too abstract.

 

[Deleted70138]

1) Download photos of vintage camera from ebay.
2) Put the same photos as if you are selling that camera but 50% cheaper.
3) Get lots of calls from artistic/hippie girls.
4) Tell them that you will only sell camera so cheap, if she tells you a good story/reason why she should be the next owner.

You might get to know some interesting women that way.

 

[Johnny boy]

1) Download photos of vintage camera from ebay.
2) Put the same photos as if you are selling that camera but 50% cheaper.
3) Get lots of calls from artistic/hippie girls.
4) Tell them that you will only sell camera so cheap, if she tells you a good story/reason why she should be the next owner.

You might get to know some interesting women that way.

congrats. this is the worst answer ever.

 

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[Kevin88660]

I got a couple of books - the charisma myth/how to win friends and influence people/ but other than that dont really know what to do.

My controversial and contrarian view is that things are moving so fast and priorities have shifted. The social-relationship dynamic books are written to impress people born in the mid 80s or earlier.

The single most powerful relationship enhancement strategy today, is having the skill to make money and also share with others generally.

Best example is Mr Beast.

At least start to learn the attitude to give without the expectation of wanting something back for sure. Givers attract.

 

[maverick]

Learn to flex your style. All personality traits are part of a spectrum. It's not 0 or 1 scale.

If you start recognising that your style changes depending on context (e.g. having a small social gathering with 3 of your best friends is completely different from entering a party alone). Once you recognise this, start trying to flex your style. Start training yourself to be more extrovert in social settings.

This is a long term commitment though. Being able to adapt to any situation will become an asset for you though if mastered.

 

[Johnny boy]

It's hard to get a feel for someone by reading their words on a screen.

If you're worried that you are lame, ask yourself some questions.

Are you fit? Do you look like a weirdo? Can you lift 40 pounds and curl with one hand? If you have a weak body, it affects your hormones and weakens your spirit. Any guy on this site who is fit and has success with women and making friends is nodding their head along in agreement right now.

Do you do anything interesting? Do you take risks and go live life or do you sit inside and play pretend videogames all day? When you see a bridge over water, do you want to jump in? When you see a mountain, do you want to climb it? Do you get scared when people talk about doing something risky or do you say yes to taking chances? You should pickup some fun hobbies. You can build friendships around them. I can make friends with anyone who travels, skis, shoots guns, runs a business, climbs mountains, golfs, etc. Go out and get some hobbies my man. You'll be able to tell good stories.

Do you put yourself first? Or do you like to take the backseat in life? Your post is written like this "How do I be good enough for other people?" That's the wrong attitude.

You need to be your own number one fan. Not in a childish bragging way, but in a quiet way. When you KNOW you're the best so you don't need to tell anyone, and you're not worried about not being good enough, but you're worried about other people not being good enough for you. I'm my own biggest fan. No one else will think you're the shit until you do first.

The best thing you can do is make sure you're routinely going to the gym, improve how you look, pickup some fun masculine hobbies, drop the "am i good enough?" attitude, stop taking shit from anyone, get an idea of what you want in life and then go get it. When you see someone who is successful in getting what they want in life (money, women, friends, etc) pay attention and absorb some of those traits. When you see a loser, notice their traits and stay away from them.

 

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[Deleted70138]

congrats. this is the worst answer ever.

good boy johnny

 

[Guest-5ty5s4]

It's hard to get a feel for someone by reading their words on a screen.

If you're worried that you are lame, ask yourself some questions.

Are you fit? Do you look like a weirdo? Can you lift 40 pounds and curl with one hand? If you have a weak body, it affects your hormones and weakens your spirit. Any guy on this site who is fit and has success with women and making friends is nodding their head along in agreement right now.

Do you do anything interesting? Do you take risks and go live life or do you sit inside and play pretend videogames all day? When you see a bridge over water, do you want to jump in? When you see a mountain, do you want to climb it? Do you get scared when people talk about doing something risky or do you say yes to taking chances? You should pickup some fun hobbies. You can build friendships around them. I can make friends with anyone who travels, skis, shoots guns, runs a business, climbs mountains, golfs, etc. Go out and get some hobbies my man. You'll be able to tell good stories.

Do you put yourself first? Or do you like to take the backseat in life? Your post is written like this "How do I be good enough for other people?" That's the wrong attitude.

You need to be your own number one fan. Not in a childish bragging way, but in a quiet way. When you KNOW you're the best so you don't need to tell anyone, and you're not worried about not being good enough, but you're worried about other people not being good enough for you. I'm my own biggest fan. No one else will think you're the shit until you do first.

The best thing you can do is make sure you're routinely going to the gym, improve how you look, pickup some fun masculine hobbies, drop the "am i good enough?" attitude, stop taking shit from anyone, get an idea of what you want in life and then go get it. When you see someone who is successful in getting what they want in life (money, women, friends, etc) pay attention and absorb some of those traits. When you see a loser, notice their traits and stay away from them.

This is pretty good advice!! Everyone has different interests so you might not be into rock climbing necessarily or even the gym, but man when I was a pasty little fat 11-year-old, my grandfather gave me some book that was like "everything a young man should know" or something.

In it, it said something to the effect of "you need a sport. Get outside and don't be pale and lazy." I found swimming. It worked for me. It also said what you said: "You need hobbies. You can't talk to girls (or make friends with guys who are going places) if all you have to talk about are videogames (or netflix, the game last weekend on TV, whatever)."

Definitely changed my direction after reading that. I was already insecure so that's why I had the drive to read the book and implement it. I feel like it helped. We are in control of our own situations and outcomes, to a very large extent!

 

[Johnny boy]

This is pretty good advice!! Everyone has different interests so you might not be into rock climbing necessarily or even the gym, but man when I was a pasty little fat 11-year-old, my grandfather gave me some book that was like "everything a young man should know" or something.

In it, it said something to the effect of "you need a sport. Get outside and don't be pale and lazy." I found swimming. It worked for me. It also said what you said: "You need hobbies. You can't talk to girls (or make friends with guys who are going places) if all you have to talk about are videogames (or netflix, the game last weekend on TV, whatever)."

Definitely changed my direction after reading that. I was already insecure so that's why I had the drive to read the book and implement it. I feel like it helped. We are in control of our own situations and outcomes, to a very large extent!

100%

 

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[Simon Angel]

To add to what @Johnny boy said, the best thing you can do will be to work on yourself - goals, body, and spirit.

Then, you're going to need a hobby or niche interest, so you can integrate into a community of like-minded people.

Once you've done that, all that you need to do is have fun with people. Don't put any expectations on them. Just because that dude gave you a high-five doesn't mean he's your friend now.

And just because that hot girl asked you to drive her home, it doesn't mean you're about to get laid or that she has a thing for you. Well, she is certainly comfortable around you and even might be fantasizing about the above herself, but you don't have to. That's the power your hold. Focus on yourself and having fun, let the people come to you, do not assume or overanalyze anything.

When I used to be a "pick up artist" in high school, I had a shit ton of girls flock to me of various quality. Schoolmates, university students, teachers. They were all very honest about their intention to F*ck me, which was great for my ego, but I didn't usually follow up on that - because of choice. I was looking for a monogamous relationship, not a booty call. So the result of that was quite a few broken hearts and some of those girls still messaging me years later.

However, it's not like I missed out by not living the player's life. In fact, I made a lot of friends and acquaintances this way after a lot of people had seen that I actually had values and wasn't out to steal their girlfriends.

I also "scored" the only girl that ever managed to resist my charm by.. wait for it.. not using any. Believe it or not, all I had to do was be nice to her, be free of expectations, and have fun. I didn't make any advances whatsoever on her.

In fact, she did. Apparently, my not doing anything or interpreting situations optimistically (i.e oh shit she likes me) ended up being intimidating and attractive to her, and a breath of fresh air from the "Hi, you're hot, I'm taking you out for dinner. Be ready at 7 and wear something sexy for me." approach to dating. Sure, it works, but you might not get the type of girl you're really after.

My understanding is that too many people nowadays are full-blown red pill or watched hundreds of hours of PUA content on YouTube. Which means the majority of guys out there are all doing the same cheesy shit as anyone else and getting laid by mostly low-quality women.

Lastly, friends come and go. Most of my friends have been as such for 15+ years, and I can still feel us slipping away from each other whenever someone in our circle's goals change. I am usually that person, so it can get lonely at times. I do have a girl that understands and motivates me, which I didn't have when I played around.

 

[WJK]

In my early 20's and had a rough patch the last couple of years which nearly destroyed my personality. So not quite a social person mostly because I lived in my head too much and became anxious in social situations. But I absolutely hate it and want to start living and having fun.

I have this problem of being delusional sometimes; thinking people like me when they dont, thinking a girls interested in me when she isnt. What can I do to fix this? It feels so good to think all this but then time goes by and you realise it's fake but since it's become a habit it continues.

I used to overthink all day but lately I have started studying and working out which has distracted me but the 'personality' problem still exists. How do I work on it? How do i improve my social skills right now?

I got a couple of books - the charisma myth/how to win friends and influence people/ but other than that dont really know what to do.

How do you learn anything? You practice on everyone you meet. You keep notes on what works. You read, listen, and watch books, podcasts, and anything you can find on the subject. You learn to listen twice as much as you talk. You learn to ask leading questions to everyone around you. You get others talking about their favorite subject -- themselves. Also, you can learn social skills. Being polite will take you a long way with other people.