techvx
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- Jan 29, 2023
- 24
- 58
Disclaimer: I'm not a psychologist, this is not a medical advice, and the only path forward for you might very well lie through many therapy sessions and thorough treatment of your D.
With that out of the way, here are a few things that could begin to get you out of the hole:
-
1. Cut the bull crap. Specifically, in your case:
A. The "living in the past" BS. Your girlfriend left you 8 months ago, why are you still thinking about her? You've had a few financial losses, now what? Do you want attention, pity, a few words of comfort, validation, someone to tell you how bad you must feel? "Oh, poor me"?
Your past is only as valuable as the lessons you get out of it. Period. What have you learnt? How can you apply it moving forward? What will you do the next time, given the hands-on education you've got yourself through these experiences?
B. The "pursuit of happiness" BS. Everyone wants to be happy. We all love bliss, and we hate experiencing pain. The moment you make happiness your "target", however, is the point at which you automatically shut yourself out of ever experiencing any meaningful "high" in life.
Your happiness is a by-product of your lifestyle, your priorities, your choices, and your actions. It doesn't exist in a vacuum. There is no magic "knob" that you can twist and turn to be happy.
If you know the basics of psychology, you must already know that happiness is a feeling. All feelings come and go. That's the way they were engineered by design of evolution. Your basic biological programming is wired for survival, and whatever it believes will increase its odds of survival will be reflected in the way you feel.
Those odds shift constantly alongside the dynamics of life, as well as your own attention. Happiness is merely an indicator that you are moving forward towards a worthwhile, survival-ensuring target. It's not a f* goal to pursue.
C. The "yes, but" BS. A good sign of the most basic, passive, excuse-based, doubt and fear driven priorities. Also a pretty good signal of a lack of meaningful focus on any one locked-in pursuit as well, as confirmed by your message. And you've got not one or two, but whooping 5+ "yes-but-s" in one post. Even adjusted for depression, that's a total overkill.
Two points of advice to be made here:
I. Throw out of the window everything that is not an absolute "must". You don't have neither the self-esteem, nor the habits - yet - to pursue several things at once. Cut down your options down to one thing, the one that is the safest and the most certain way to making you become the person you wish to become.
II. Put your whole mind to one goal, defined by the only option left from the point above. Don't allow yourself to wander, to "explore" any other alternatives, to "try" anything new - unless it's related to the only option you have left. Go full out, all-in, 100%. Keep your eyes on the goal.
-
2. Set up your environment. Many guys in a position somewhat similar to yours swear by the lectures and books of Jordan Peterson - I'd highly recommend you to look into his material as well. Not going to do you any bad, for sure.
Pick up the "How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. Read it, take notes, apply on the daily basis. You could definitely use the chapter about keeping yourself busy.
Cut out the toxic people, alongside everyone else who doesn't intend to help you become who you wish to become going forward. That includes your dear GF - which didn't have any remorse about screwing up your situation at work, judging from the story you mentioned.
Read the other guys' stories and successes on this forum. 30 minutes a day will do you plenty. Connect the dots to your own life. When going through their posts, think "if they were in my position right now, how would they get out?"
Get yourself some music from Akira the Don, if you're into the style. Personal favorites: 12 Rules for Life, Jocko Willink, Naval Ravikant, David Goggins, and Joseph Campbell.
Brainwash yourself "in reverse". Get to the point where your mind starts giving you useful points of advice and "mentorship" out of nowhere, instead of the current stream of negative, defeatist, hopelessly futile, garbage talk.
-
3. Forget the "shortcuts", the "immediate", the "passions" and all the infinite "I'd like to".
Your situation calls for doing what you must - to ensure (1) your survival / not ending up dying on the street, (2) your basic financial safety / independence, on your own two feet, (3) your professional success / in-demand skill-set development, (4) some new and healthy relationships, based on the social skills that you'll have to build separately - only, at the very end, (5) discovery of your deeper "passions", the "purpose", the exploration of what you like more or less, what you love or hate, and so on.
There are no shortcuts. There is no immediate way to make a S load of cash. There are no "passions" dormant inside of you that will allow you to short circuit the work and the effort required to turn yourself into a man you want to be. There is nothing you will genuinely "like" and enjoy when forced to perform under pressure of deadlines, supervision, and external judgement - until you become a heavy seasoned pro at it.
Pick the one professional commitment that is sure to change your life for the better if you were to completely immerse yourself in it, and don't quit until you max out in it. Period.
Lastly, and most importantly.
-
4. Regardless of what happens in, around, and out of your environment - make sure that the choices you make on a daily basis move you towards the best individual you can become. Become the person you intend to be. Use every situation, every event, every external goal and ambition, every pursuit and objective, every moment of pain and frustration - to that end.
The money you'll be making will change. At times, in your favor. At times, against it.
The emotions you'll feel will change. At times, you'll feel happy. At times, f* miserable.
The people around you will change. The economy will turn left and right. The professional landscape will trasform.
If the only concerns you have are all about purely external, out of your direct control, financially backed attributes, the moment anything threatens them, your whole self, attached to them, will be threatened as well.
Get clear on the kind of you that you want to become next. Use that to derive the rest of your goals. Focus. When the environment turns upside down, get back to the drawing board, and extract the next most viable target for your future self. Focus. Repeat until the you in the now is the same you in the then. It's that simple.
-
5. There's no point five. Get f* going.
With that out of the way, here are a few things that could begin to get you out of the hole:
-
1. Cut the bull crap. Specifically, in your case:
A. The "living in the past" BS. Your girlfriend left you 8 months ago, why are you still thinking about her? You've had a few financial losses, now what? Do you want attention, pity, a few words of comfort, validation, someone to tell you how bad you must feel? "Oh, poor me"?
Your past is only as valuable as the lessons you get out of it. Period. What have you learnt? How can you apply it moving forward? What will you do the next time, given the hands-on education you've got yourself through these experiences?
B. The "pursuit of happiness" BS. Everyone wants to be happy. We all love bliss, and we hate experiencing pain. The moment you make happiness your "target", however, is the point at which you automatically shut yourself out of ever experiencing any meaningful "high" in life.
Your happiness is a by-product of your lifestyle, your priorities, your choices, and your actions. It doesn't exist in a vacuum. There is no magic "knob" that you can twist and turn to be happy.
If you know the basics of psychology, you must already know that happiness is a feeling. All feelings come and go. That's the way they were engineered by design of evolution. Your basic biological programming is wired for survival, and whatever it believes will increase its odds of survival will be reflected in the way you feel.
Those odds shift constantly alongside the dynamics of life, as well as your own attention. Happiness is merely an indicator that you are moving forward towards a worthwhile, survival-ensuring target. It's not a f* goal to pursue.
C. The "yes, but" BS. A good sign of the most basic, passive, excuse-based, doubt and fear driven priorities. Also a pretty good signal of a lack of meaningful focus on any one locked-in pursuit as well, as confirmed by your message. And you've got not one or two, but whooping 5+ "yes-but-s" in one post. Even adjusted for depression, that's a total overkill.
Two points of advice to be made here:
I. Throw out of the window everything that is not an absolute "must". You don't have neither the self-esteem, nor the habits - yet - to pursue several things at once. Cut down your options down to one thing, the one that is the safest and the most certain way to making you become the person you wish to become.
II. Put your whole mind to one goal, defined by the only option left from the point above. Don't allow yourself to wander, to "explore" any other alternatives, to "try" anything new - unless it's related to the only option you have left. Go full out, all-in, 100%. Keep your eyes on the goal.
-
2. Set up your environment. Many guys in a position somewhat similar to yours swear by the lectures and books of Jordan Peterson - I'd highly recommend you to look into his material as well. Not going to do you any bad, for sure.
Pick up the "How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. Read it, take notes, apply on the daily basis. You could definitely use the chapter about keeping yourself busy.
Cut out the toxic people, alongside everyone else who doesn't intend to help you become who you wish to become going forward. That includes your dear GF - which didn't have any remorse about screwing up your situation at work, judging from the story you mentioned.
Read the other guys' stories and successes on this forum. 30 minutes a day will do you plenty. Connect the dots to your own life. When going through their posts, think "if they were in my position right now, how would they get out?"
Get yourself some music from Akira the Don, if you're into the style. Personal favorites: 12 Rules for Life, Jocko Willink, Naval Ravikant, David Goggins, and Joseph Campbell.
Brainwash yourself "in reverse". Get to the point where your mind starts giving you useful points of advice and "mentorship" out of nowhere, instead of the current stream of negative, defeatist, hopelessly futile, garbage talk.
-
3. Forget the "shortcuts", the "immediate", the "passions" and all the infinite "I'd like to".
Your situation calls for doing what you must - to ensure (1) your survival / not ending up dying on the street, (2) your basic financial safety / independence, on your own two feet, (3) your professional success / in-demand skill-set development, (4) some new and healthy relationships, based on the social skills that you'll have to build separately - only, at the very end, (5) discovery of your deeper "passions", the "purpose", the exploration of what you like more or less, what you love or hate, and so on.
There are no shortcuts. There is no immediate way to make a S load of cash. There are no "passions" dormant inside of you that will allow you to short circuit the work and the effort required to turn yourself into a man you want to be. There is nothing you will genuinely "like" and enjoy when forced to perform under pressure of deadlines, supervision, and external judgement - until you become a heavy seasoned pro at it.
Pick the one professional commitment that is sure to change your life for the better if you were to completely immerse yourself in it, and don't quit until you max out in it. Period.
Lastly, and most importantly.
-
4. Regardless of what happens in, around, and out of your environment - make sure that the choices you make on a daily basis move you towards the best individual you can become. Become the person you intend to be. Use every situation, every event, every external goal and ambition, every pursuit and objective, every moment of pain and frustration - to that end.
It must be worth it even if doesn't work. // DHH
The money you'll be making will change. At times, in your favor. At times, against it.
The emotions you'll feel will change. At times, you'll feel happy. At times, f* miserable.
The people around you will change. The economy will turn left and right. The professional landscape will trasform.
If the only concerns you have are all about purely external, out of your direct control, financially backed attributes, the moment anything threatens them, your whole self, attached to them, will be threatened as well.
Get clear on the kind of you that you want to become next. Use that to derive the rest of your goals. Focus. When the environment turns upside down, get back to the drawing board, and extract the next most viable target for your future self. Focus. Repeat until the you in the now is the same you in the then. It's that simple.
-
5. There's no point five. Get f* going.
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