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The pursuit of Happyness... in real life.

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Feb 27, 2023
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Hi everyone,

I came across MJ books and this forum thanks to a dear friend that recommended me “Unscripted ”.

I devoured it in a couple of days. Then I read TMF and I’m now reading The Great Rat Race Escape .

These books blown my mind: I finally understand my inner discomfort about 9-5 workplaces and about a big scheme behind current economic system.

I use this title, Pursuit of Happyness, to tell my story, that is very close to the Gardner’s movie and book.

In a nutshell, my life is completely destroyed and I just figured out it… I literally lost everything and I’m trying to come out on top, but I have no direction.

I'm 38. And Just 8 months ago, my gf left me.

  • I lost the house.

  • I lost 8.000 euros of furniture I provide for the house. I’m still paying for them, with a funding that should expire on 8/24.

  • My ex gf worked in same company I work, and she literally destroyed my reputation. Company don’t trust me anymore and put me in a humiliating job, even if I’m overpaid for my position.

  • I have too few savings and I was forced to come back to my parent’s home.

  • I spent almost 5.000 euros in 8 months for psychological treatment, just to resist and stay on my feet.

  • I think about suicide several times.

  • I’m diagnosed as clinically depressed.


I feel a complete failure.

I’m not interested in other girls/women. I’m literally afraid to approach anyone and not interested in relationships.

I only want to rebuild myself and rebuild my life.

The only thing that is holding me up is sport. I’ve playing sports my whole life and this is the only thing that saved me in the worst days and depression.

My ex gf claims I’m sex addicted. I had a lot of doubt on myself. I’ve always had them.

So I started training in triathlon, to fully dedicate myself to physical training and prove myself I have no addiction.

Now, I work out 9 or 10 times per week. At least 10/11 hours per week. Because I'd like to partecipate to an Ironman race. That's what I'm looking for to increase my self esteem (that is currently close to zero).

I really like and enjoy triathlon but this is a very expensive sport for the equipment needed to compete and train.

In the midst of this mess, I would like to be focused also on build a side hustle to increase my income and increase investments as well.

That’s where I’m completely puzzled…

Last two months, where I started to try to think more clearly, I tried to list some things I could do to change my situation.

I’m chasing money. I know that is the wrong target. But my situation, what is happened, make me think only about it.

I listed some things I’m interested into, I’m a bit talented at, and to what I could learn to improve my situation.

  • Since I always play sports, I faced several situations, injuries and lessons, I’d like to build a blog/social account/affiliate website about triathlon as a way of life and think. I think that in my country, Italy, endurance sports are very underrated but they teaches important lesson for life. But I have no idea to start a fitness/sport profile/affiliate website.

  • I’m hugely passionate about psychology. I’ve always been interested in how the mind can train the body to achieve higher results in sport and life. I thought a lot to take a psychology degree to have the right to speak about sport psychology. But it’s quite expensive for my current financial situation, so I’m not so convinced on it.

  • I’m a little talented in writing. I made some little copywriting jobs in the past. But, as I read in MJ’s books, this is a skill with very low entry barriers. Almost everyone can call itself copywriter. Even if they write some blog articles. Add to that, the rise of AI; I seriously think that focus on writing could be a waste of time without results…

  • Accordingly to MJ story, one of the main skill I’d like to learn is coding. Not only to emulate MJ, but because it’s a thing I have always been interested into. But I do not have enough time for it, due to my job that occupies me for 10 hours a day and to sport I need to practice to fight depression.
I know that selling skills are the most valuable for the market. But I’m hugely introverted and attracted by skills that don’t put me face to face with people. I’m the kind of person that mind the substance and not the appearance.

My main issue is that I feel I do not have time. I need immediate results. And I know that is a huge mistake. I feel social pressure to get out of my parents’ home, to buy my own house, to be independent.

Moreover, I currently do not have enough money to invest…

I’m completely lost.

I’m glad if you could help me shed some light on the path to take to rebuild my life.

Thanks to those who will answer me
 
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Last edited:

Joker_P5R

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Feb 4, 2020
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Hi,

Your post covers many topics, even out of context than the forum.

I will try to be as direct as possible.

Let’s start from the basics.. From what you tell us, you have a job..

It sucks. But you have it. And you tell us you’re overpaid too. That’s not bad.

You said:

I lost the house.

Do you have any pending mortgage over your shoulder?
  • If yes, try to negotiate to buy the house. You will have your roof over your head.
  • If not, take a deep breath: there are people in much worse economic situations.
I lost 8.000 euros of furniture I provide for the house. I’m still paying for them, with a funding that should expire on 8/24.
If you have a mortgage to be paid, are you able to paid both mortgage and funding installment till 8/24?
If you do not have mortgage, can you repay the entire debt in one single time? If yes, How long you will be able to repay?
The main target is to cancel the debt as soon as possible.

My ex gf worked in same company I work, and she literally destroyed my reputation. Company don’t trust me anymore and put me in a humiliating job, even if I’m overpaid for my position.

Okay, this sucks. Are you at risk of losing your job?

I have too few savings and I was forced to come back to my parent’s home.
Remember that for your parents, you are now a tenant. Talk to your parents, and don’t be in a hurry to start a new life. Right now, you need to stay calm, and analyze your life piece by piece.

As the months go by, savings will increase.

Have you ever drawn up a budget to understand your income/expenses and realize how much you actually save?
Prepare a budget is the best way to understand how you can better manage your money. No secrets or fake gurus formulas needed. Only an excel file and your complete clarity with yourself.

  • I spent almost 5.000 euros in 8 months for psychological treatment, just to resist and stay on my feet.

  • I think about suicide several times.

  • I’m diagnosed as clinically depressed.

If you spent 5,000 euros, and it saved your life, it’s the best investment you could make.

I feel a complete failure.

I’m not interested in other girls/women. I’m literally afraid to approach anyone and not interested in relationships.

I only want to rebuild myself and rebuild my life.

The only thing that is holding me up is sport. I’ve playing sports my whole life and this is the only thing that saved me in the worst days and depression.

My ex gf claims I’m sex addicted. I had a lot of doubt on myself. I’ve always had them.

So I started training in triathlon, to fully dedicate myself to physical training and prove myself I have no addiction.

Now, I work out 9 or 10 times per week. At least 10/11 hours per week. Because I'd like to partecipate to an Ironman race. That's what I'm looking for to increase my self esteem (that is currently close to zero).

I really like and enjoy triathlon but this is a very expensive sport for the equipment needed to compete and train.
Right now, there’s no need to think about romantic relationships.
You need to get your shit together. You need to work on yourself. Forget about women.
Can you practice less hours a week so you can have time for your side hustle?

Last two months, where I started to try to think more clearly, I tried to list some things I could do to change my situation.

I’m chasing money. I know that is the wrong target. But my situation, what is happened, make me think only about it.

I listed some things I’m interested into, I’m a bit talented at, and to what I could learn to improve my situation.

  • Since I always play sports, I faced several situations, injuries and lessons, I’d like to build a blog/social account/affiliate website about triathlon as a way of life and think. I think that in my country, Italy, endurance sports are very underrated but they teaches important lesson for life. But I have no idea to start a fitness/sport profile/affiliate website.

  • I’m hugely passionate about psychology. I’ve always been interested in how the mind can train the body to achieve higher results in sport and life. I thought a lot to take a psychology degree to have the right to speak about sport psychology. But it’s quite expensive for my current financial situation, so I’m not so convinced on it.

  • I’m a little talented in writing. I made some little copywriting jobs in the past. But, as I read in MJ’s books, this is a skill with very low entry barriers. Almost everyone can call itself copywriter. Even if they write some blog articles. Add to that, the rise of AI; I seriously think that focus on writing could be a waste of time without results…

  • Accordingly to MJ story, one of the main skill I’d like to learn is coding. Not only to emulate MJ, but because it’s a thing I have always been interested into. But I do not have enough time for it, due to my job that occupies me for 10 hours a day and to sport I need to practice to fight depression.
Do you have a job? Do you get paid? Can you save something?

Okay, take a deep breath and BE GRATEFUL for this.

Do you like triathlon, okay? Do you need NOW to buy all the equipment? Or can you do with what you have?

Forget what it should be. F*ck perfectionism. Do with what you have, if you can.

Let’s move on to skills.

Premise: You have to be clear about what you want. It’s all very chaotic.

1) Do you have any titles to talk about triathlon and be able to teach someone something? Have you had any experience? What can you write/teach/share?

2) What is your main urgency now? If you are low on finances, forget about degree... unless you want to become a psychologist...

3) Do you like psychology? Study books, watch themed videos, learn what you can, take a psychology topic and rewrite it so that the topic becomes useful for an athlete.

4) Have you done copywriting work? Can you start over from those? Can you get recommended to other customers to re-start doing something?

5) After you learn coding, what will you do with it? Do you want to create something? Is there a goal you have in mind?

If you continue to chase money, you’ll find yourself more and more lost.


I know that selling skills are the most valuable for the market. But I’m hugely introverted and attracted by skills that don’t put me face to face with people. I’m the kind of person that mind the substance and not the appearance.

My main issue is that I feel I do not have time. I need immediate results. And I know that is a huge mistake. I feel social pressure to get out of my parents’ home, to buy my own house, to be independent.

Moreover, I currently do not have enough money to invest…

You can also sell on paper, without direct contact with people. And you know that, if you’ve done copywriting.

For the hurry, I repeat: do you have a job? Are you paid? Do you cover the expenses? If so, CALM DOWN. And think.

Don’t you have enough money? Wait to spend on anything but don’t waste your time: think carefully about what you want, draw up a long-term plan, final goal and intermediate goals.

Do not give up, man.
 
Last edited:
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Feb 27, 2023
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Hi Joker,

I do not have mortgage.
I only have to pay for funding.
I plan to cancel the debt within this June.

I think, apparently, I'm not at risk to lose my job.
My main expenses are for supplements to withstand workout program and to pay the coach.

I cannot cut time for workout: I will increase workout time because I need to be prepared for race.

You are right, i don't need full equipment right here, right now. I'm not forced to partecipate now.

Regarding skills:

1) I should become an instructor following courses: it means to spend 300 euro to became 1st level instructor.
2) Finances, definitely.
3) Good point
4) No, I can't. I dropped out to not argue with my ex gf...
5) There's no goal in mind. I do this only to be more valuable for employment market and save myself in case of being fired.

Last sentences you wrote are very interesting.
I'm in a rush thinking of being back compared to the others...
 

techvx

Contributor
User Power
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242%
Jan 29, 2023
24
58
Disclaimer: I'm not a psychologist, this is not a medical advice, and the only path forward for you might very well lie through many therapy sessions and thorough treatment of your D.

With that out of the way, here are a few things that could begin to get you out of the hole:

-

1. Cut the bull crap. Specifically, in your case:

A. The "living in the past" BS. Your girlfriend left you 8 months ago, why are you still thinking about her? You've had a few financial losses, now what? Do you want attention, pity, a few words of comfort, validation, someone to tell you how bad you must feel? "Oh, poor me"?

Your past is only as valuable as the lessons you get out of it. Period. What have you learnt? How can you apply it moving forward? What will you do the next time, given the hands-on education you've got yourself through these experiences?

B. The "pursuit of happiness" BS. Everyone wants to be happy. We all love bliss, and we hate experiencing pain. The moment you make happiness your "target", however, is the point at which you automatically shut yourself out of ever experiencing any meaningful "high" in life.

Your happiness is a by-product of your lifestyle, your priorities, your choices, and your actions. It doesn't exist in a vacuum. There is no magic "knob" that you can twist and turn to be happy.

If you know the basics of psychology, you must already know that happiness is a feeling. All feelings come and go. That's the way they were engineered by design of evolution. Your basic biological programming is wired for survival, and whatever it believes will increase its odds of survival will be reflected in the way you feel.

Those odds shift constantly alongside the dynamics of life, as well as your own attention. Happiness is merely an indicator that you are moving forward towards a worthwhile, survival-ensuring target. It's not a f* goal to pursue.

C. The "yes, but" BS. A good sign of the most basic, passive, excuse-based, doubt and fear driven priorities. Also a pretty good signal of a lack of meaningful focus on any one locked-in pursuit as well, as confirmed by your message. And you've got not one or two, but whooping 5+ "yes-but-s" in one post. Even adjusted for depression, that's a total overkill.

Two points of advice to be made here:

I. Throw out of the window everything that is not an absolute "must". You don't have neither the self-esteem, nor the habits - yet - to pursue several things at once. Cut down your options down to one thing, the one that is the safest and the most certain way to making you become the person you wish to become.

II. Put your whole mind to one goal, defined by the only option left from the point above. Don't allow yourself to wander, to "explore" any other alternatives, to "try" anything new - unless it's related to the only option you have left. Go full out, all-in, 100%. Keep your eyes on the goal.

-

2. Set up your environment. Many guys in a position somewhat similar to yours swear by the lectures and books of Jordan Peterson - I'd highly recommend you to look into his material as well. Not going to do you any bad, for sure.

Pick up the "How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. Read it, take notes, apply on the daily basis. You could definitely use the chapter about keeping yourself busy.

Cut out the toxic people, alongside everyone else who doesn't intend to help you become who you wish to become going forward. That includes your dear GF - which didn't have any remorse about screwing up your situation at work, judging from the story you mentioned.

Read the other guys' stories and successes on this forum. 30 minutes a day will do you plenty. Connect the dots to your own life. When going through their posts, think "if they were in my position right now, how would they get out?"

Get yourself some music from Akira the Don, if you're into the style. Personal favorites: 12 Rules for Life, Jocko Willink, Naval Ravikant, David Goggins, and Joseph Campbell.

Brainwash yourself "in reverse". Get to the point where your mind starts giving you useful points of advice and "mentorship" out of nowhere, instead of the current stream of negative, defeatist, hopelessly futile, garbage talk.

-

3. Forget the "shortcuts", the "immediate", the "passions" and all the infinite "I'd like to".

Your situation calls for doing what you must - to ensure (1) your survival / not ending up dying on the street, (2) your basic financial safety / independence, on your own two feet, (3) your professional success / in-demand skill-set development, (4) some new and healthy relationships, based on the social skills that you'll have to build separately - only, at the very end, (5) discovery of your deeper "passions", the "purpose", the exploration of what you like more or less, what you love or hate, and so on.

There are no shortcuts. There is no immediate way to make a S load of cash. There are no "passions" dormant inside of you that will allow you to short circuit the work and the effort required to turn yourself into a man you want to be. There is nothing you will genuinely "like" and enjoy when forced to perform under pressure of deadlines, supervision, and external judgement - until you become a heavy seasoned pro at it.

Pick the one professional commitment that is sure to change your life for the better if you were to completely immerse yourself in it, and don't quit until you max out in it. Period.

Lastly, and most importantly.

-

4. Regardless of what happens in, around, and out of your environment - make sure that the choices you make on a daily basis move you towards the best individual you can become. Become the person you intend to be. Use every situation, every event, every external goal and ambition, every pursuit and objective, every moment of pain and frustration - to that end.

It must be worth it even if doesn't work. // DHH

The money you'll be making will change. At times, in your favor. At times, against it.

The emotions you'll feel will change. At times, you'll feel happy. At times, f* miserable.

The people around you will change. The economy will turn left and right. The professional landscape will trasform.

If the only concerns you have are all about purely external, out of your direct control, financially backed attributes, the moment anything threatens them, your whole self, attached to them, will be threatened as well.

Get clear on the kind of you that you want to become next. Use that to derive the rest of your goals. Focus. When the environment turns upside down, get back to the drawing board, and extract the next most viable target for your future self. Focus. Repeat until the you in the now is the same you in the then. It's that simple.

-

5. There's no point five. Get f* going.
 
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Joker_P5R

Contributor
Read Fastlane!
Read Unscripted!
User Power
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Feb 4, 2020
62
32
Hello

Reading, I think one of the main problems is that you do not give yourself time.

You want to do everything. Now.

You want to "do" without "know what you’re doing".

And it’s wrong.

You have to give yourself time to learn.

Learn triathlon.
Learn the coding.
Learn (fill in the blank).

And it takes MONTHS, if not more.

I understand that life sucks. That it’s all fallen on you. That you feel helpless. Useless. That you feel you deserve nothing.

It’s normal. Give yourself time.

Create a daily routine.

What can you NOT give up? Sport as an anti depressant? OK

Enter, within the other free hours, time to study, learn, let information enter your brain.

Whether it’s a triathlon.
Whether it’s coding
Whether it is psychology.
Whether it is copywriting.

And that DOESN’T mean "read and do nothing else". It means, as you learn, take tests.

Any good coding manual offers you exercises to improve your skills.

While doing sports, listen. The sensations you feel, how you manage fatigue, what happens at the beginning, during and at the end of workouts. How you prepare for workouts. Everything about sports. And WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN. So you don’t miss anything.

The same goes for psychology: write what you learn.

Create a daily routine, so you can put the rest in your free hours.

Do you train at lunchtime? Enter at least 1 hour of study in the evening.

Do you train in the evening? Find 1 hour to study, whatever you want, during the day.

On weekends, study a lot more, and take notes.

Save EVERYTHING you do. You will need it in the future.

Focus exclusively on yourself and what you do.

Forget about the beautiful girls in the gym or pool.

DO NOT chase women.

Not now. Not now. Put everything back. Get back on your feet.

I’m sorry to say this so brutally, but... now is not the time to bring someone else into your chaos.

If you continue to waste your attention, you will always find yourself without a clear direction.

Get into monk mode.

Forget social media. Forget pub nights. Forget porn. You have enough endorphins from sports.

Give yourself 1 year.

Study.

It adds up at the end of the year.

You will be DEFINITELY BETTER than you are now.

But you have to take it one step at a time.

The choice is yours.
 
Last edited:
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Feb 27, 2023
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Disclaimer: I'm not a psychologist, this is not a medical advice, and the only path forward for you might very well lie through many therapy sessions and thorough treatment of your D.

With that out of the way, here are a few things that could begin to get you out of the hole:

-

1. Cut the bull crap. Specifically, in your case:

A. The "living in the past" BS. Your girlfriend left you 8 months ago, why are you still thinking about her? You've had a few financial losses, now what? Do you want attention, pity, a few words of comfort, validation, someone to tell you how bad you must feel? "Oh, poor me"?

Your past is only as valuable as the lessons you get out of it. Period. What have you learnt? How can you apply it moving forward? What will you do the next time, given the hands-on education you've got yourself through these experiences?

B. The "pursuit of happiness" BS. Everyone wants to be happy. We all love bliss, and we hate experiencing pain. The moment you make happiness your "target", however, is the point at which you automatically shut yourself out of ever experiencing any meaningful "high" in life.

Your happiness is a by-product of your lifestyle, your priorities, your choices, and your actions. It doesn't exist in a vacuum. There is no magic "knob" that you can twist and turn to be happy.

If you know the basics of psychology, you must already know that happiness is a feeling. All feelings come and go. That's the way they were engineered by design of evolution. Your basic biological programming is wired for survival, and whatever it believes will increase its odds of survival will be reflected in the way you feel.

Those odds shift constantly alongside the dynamics of life, as well as your own attention. Happiness is merely an indicator that you are moving forward towards a worthwhile, survival-ensuring target. It's not a f* goal to pursue.

C. The "yes, but" BS. A good sign of the most basic, passive, excuse-based, doubt and fear driven priorities. Also a pretty good signal of a lack of meaningful focus on any one locked-in pursuit as well, as confirmed by your message. And you've got not one or two, but whooping 5+ "yes-but-s" in one post. Even adjusted for depression, that's a total overkill.

Two points of advice to be made here:

I. Throw out of the window everything that is not an absolute "must". You don't have neither the self-esteem, nor the habits - yet - to pursue several things at once. Cut down your options down to one thing, the one that is the safest and the most certain way to making you become the person you wish to become.

II. Put your whole mind to one goal, defined by the only option left from the point above. Don't allow yourself to wander, to "explore" any other alternatives, to "try" anything new - unless it's related to the only option you have left. Go full out, all-in, 100%. Keep your eyes on the goal.

-

2. Set up your environment. Many guys in a position somewhat similar to yours swear by the lectures and books of Jordan Peterson - I'd highly recommend you to look into his material as well. Not going to do you any bad, for sure.

Pick up the "How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. Read it, take notes, apply on the daily basis. You could definitely use the chapter about keeping yourself busy.

Cut out the toxic people, alongside everyone else who doesn't intend to help you become who you wish to become going forward. That includes your dear GF - which didn't have any remorse about screwing up your situation at work, judging from the story you mentioned.

Read the other guys' stories and successes on this forum. 30 minutes a day will do you plenty. Connect the dots to your own life. When going through their posts, think "if they were in my position right now, how would they get out?"

Get yourself some music from Akira the Don, if you're into the style. Personal favorites: 12 Rules for Life, Jocko Willink, Naval Ravikant, David Goggins, and Joseph Campbell.

Brainwash yourself "in reverse". Get to the point where your mind starts giving you useful points of advice and "mentorship" out of nowhere, instead of the current stream of negative, defeatist, hopelessly futile, garbage talk.

-

3. Forget the "shortcuts", the "immediate", the "passions" and all the infinite "I'd like to".

Your situation calls for doing what you must - to ensure (1) your survival / not ending up dying on the street, (2) your basic financial safety / independence, on your own two feet, (3) your professional success / in-demand skill-set development, (4) some new and healthy relationships, based on the social skills that you'll have to build separately - only, at the very end, (5) discovery of your deeper "passions", the "purpose", the exploration of what you like more or less, what you love or hate, and so on.

There are no shortcuts. There is no immediate way to make a S load of cash. There are no "passions" dormant inside of you that will allow you to short circuit the work and the effort required to turn yourself into a man you want to be. There is nothing you will genuinely "like" and enjoy when forced to perform under pressure of deadlines, supervision, and external judgement - until you become a heavy seasoned pro at it.

Pick the one professional commitment that is sure to change your life for the better if you were to completely immerse yourself in it, and don't quit until you max out in it. Period.

Lastly, and most importantly.

-

4. Regardless of what happens in, around, and out of your environment - make sure that the choices you make on a daily basis move you towards the best individual you can become. Become the person you intend to be. Use every situation, every event, every external goal and ambition, every pursuit and objective, every moment of pain and frustration - to that end.



The money you'll be making will change. At times, in your favor. At times, against it.

The emotions you'll feel will change. At times, you'll feel happy. At times, f* miserable.

The people around you will change. The economy will turn left and right. The professional landscape will trasform.

If the only concerns you have are all about purely external, out of your direct control, financially backed attributes, the moment anything threatens them, your whole self, attached to them, will be threatened as well.

Get clear on the kind of you that you want to become next. Use that to derive the rest of your goals. Focus. When the environment turns upside down, get back to the drawing board, and extract the next most viable target for your future self. Focus. Repeat until the you in the now is the same you in the then. It's that simple.

-

5. There's no point five. Get f* going.
Hi @techvx

I state that the title is intentional. Because the story reminds me a lot of the movie.
I know that happiness is a feeling that comes and goes.

I answer to your points:

Point A: It’s been 6 years of relationship. We had to make a family. It’s not that easy to forget.

Point B: I know that happiness is a feeling that comes and goes. The title is inspired by the movie because my story reminds me of it.

Step C: You’re right about lack of concentration. I have chaos in my head and I can’t find order.

Regarding your tips:

1) Right now I DON’T know what that is that makes me the person I want to become. My heart would like to dedicate itself to sport. My head, full of fears, wants to make money, to never suffer again and to depend on anyone ever again

Putting my mind on a single goal scares me. Because if I’ve gone the wrong way, I’ve failed even more. I can’t totally erase all the options. I can reduce them. But I can’t totally erase everything. I don’t manage it emotionally. I’m afraid of losing.

2) Elimination of toxic people: I am already doing it. The books you advise me, I have them all.

3) Could you explain this better?

My passion, sport, is the only thing keeping me from the deep depression I’m in. It’s a strong passion, an almost total dedication to training. It’s not a game to me. I told myself I wanted to make Ironman race to validate myself and to understand that I can really do everything if I try. Triathlon is a metaphor of life to me.

I know there are no shortcuts. It takes effort to become what I want to be, to succeed. But I know that Triathlon is not a sport that "pays" in terms of money. At least if you are not a professional.

4) Clear.

5) I have to learn skills that can be sold in the short term to save me from being fired, because the situation at work is not very safe. I can’t afford to invest in business because I don’t have a lot of savings.

It’s all about fear, mostly. to expose myself and make the wrong choice.

It’s terrible, I know, but all the money I lost, all the money I still have to spend, I’m struggling. On the one hand, sport helps me not to explode, on the other I need to value myself for the world of work.

I have to keep my foot in both shoes...
 
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