Help a 31 year old loser who needs discipline.

[14ernovice]

I desperately need disc in my life. I always put things off until tomorrow. This goes on until I have "tomorrowed" myself into next week, month, or year doing very little or nothing.

Those of you who are extremely disciplined, how can I become like you? What are your discipline tips? I need to start getting out of the hole i have dug myself into.

 

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[Shono]

Can you elaborate more on the hole your in? If it’s not too personal? From my experience discipline for me came from removing bad habits, ie. the quintessential example of the alcoholic or stoner who has a victim - woe is me mentality etc etc. that was me. Rather than finding good habits, I had to remove bad coping mechanisms/behaviors first and then become emotionally self aware and mature then the discipline kind of came as a natural byproduct.

Also, putting things off til tomorrow AKA procrastination, is actually a very deep rooted cause and effect from a psychological standpoint. Did you experience any traumas or disparaging experiences in your youth? Sometimes we are stultified from past programming that we develop learned helplessness, which presents as procrastination.

I would say really reflect on the pain, rather than future pleasure. Everyone dreams of success but not many people actively face the pain. Science has proven the stick is a bigger motivator than the carrot. Really reflect on how painful it will be to continue what you are doing. 31 is young, but it’s time. The time is NOW. You are at a goldilocks age where perhaps you have squandered much, but can now use that as coal for the furnace of your future endeavors.

Go read up some gold threads here of how people became successful, that is usually informative from a regime or procedural point of view.

 

[14ernovice]

Can you elaborate more on the hole your in? If it’s not too personal? From my experience discipline for me came from removing bad habits, ie. the quintessential example of the alcoholic or stoner who has a victim - woe is me mentality etc etc. that was me. Rather than finding good habits, I had to remove bad coping mechanisms/behaviors first and then become emotionally self aware and mature then the discipline kind of came as a natural byproduct.

I would say really reflect on the pain, rather than future pleasure. Everyone dreams of success but not many people actively face the pain. Science has proven the stick is a bigger motivator than the carrot. Really reflect on how painful it will be to continue what you are doing. 31 is young, but it’s time. The time is NOW. You are at a goldilocks age where perhaps you have squandered much, but can now use that as coal for the furnace of your future endeavors.

Go read up some gold threads here of how people became successful, that is usually informative from a regime or procedural point of view.

Thank you. I'm obese and I don't have any skills that I can fastlane. I work full time as a food delivery driver for Grubhub and Ubereats. I make pretty decent money doing it, but as I said I don't have a skill.

 

[REV5028]

Thank you. I'm obese and I don't have any skills that I can fastlane. I work full time as a food delivery driver for Grubhub and Ubereats. I make pretty decent money doing it, but as I said I don't have a skill.

You most certainly have skills. You might be taking them for granted, or diminishing them, and you might not know how to apply them to business, but you absolutely have skills. Everyone does. But, as @Shono said, start by focusing on the pain in your life. Get yourself mentally and physically back on the path to good health first, then go from there. If you're not actively working to be the best version of you that you can be, how can you provide the best value you possibly can to others?

 

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[heavy_industry]

The first step is to stop identifying yourself as a "31 year old loser".

It doesn't matter how hard you try. If this is the story you keep telling yourself, you will self-sabotage endlessly, until the prophecy becomes reality.

Discipline is very important, but most people are misusing this word, and they describe something different.

People that are working hard are not grinding their teeth and relying on what you would call "discipline" to power through life. This would be a very bad approach. It's not sustainable and will backfire horribly, with cycles of overworking yourself and then "falling of the wagon" and not doing anything for months.

The solution is to create a vision for you life.

If you had the power to choose how your future plays out, the most wonderful life you can imagine, how would that life look like? And most importantly, who is the person that can create this life?

The goal is to become that person.

Who you've been until this point is completely irrelevant. Forget everything you think you know about yourself.

From this moment onwards, life can be entirely different.

As soon as you wake up and truly understand that you are the creator of your destiny, there is no stopping.

Let's get back to work.



PS: If you're not already doing it, start training hard.
The barbell will teach you everything you need to know about winning in life.

 

[PureA]

No one is coming to save you.

^This really landed for me one day, and then things changed.

 

[Shono]

The first step is to stop identifying yourself as a "31 year old loser".

Any tips on accomplishing this? I totally understand the value of such a powerful reframe. I also have a pretty poor identity of a ‘loser’ that I am trying to shake. Is it really as simple as forgetting the past and visualizing a new future self and working towards that?

 

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[mikecarlooch]

Any tips on accomplishing this? I totally understand the value of such a powerful reframe. I also have a pretty poor identity of a ‘loser’ that I am trying to shake. Is it really as simple as forgetting the past and visualizing a new future self and working towards that?

It's definitely a context thing depending on the situation.

I feel like a loser when I'm procrastinating and doing nothing

I feel unstoppable when I'm working on something meaningful.

So I just do more of the latter and therefore I feel like less of a loser.

And if I didn't feel like a loser when I'm procrastinating, then I'd be a fat procrastinating loser forever.

Feelings of loserness are just a sign you need to do something different than what you're doing right now.

You could change that within an hour by just taking a few empowering actions.

It also has something to do with dopamine. One thing to avoid is stacking things that spike dopamine on top of each other. For example I used to take pre workout, whilst being addicted to my phone (more dopamine), then go to the gym and train (more dopamine), while listening to music (more dopamine), then go home and eat a gluttonous celebratory post workout meal (more dopamine).

Doing something like the above every day, I was just asking for my dopamine to plummet below baseline, making me feel like a loser.

Edit:

Combine that with any kind of drugs or nicotine or alcohol + sh*tty foods and its a recipe for disaster in terms of feeling good

(luckily I've never been into any, just thought it was something to note)

 

[Mr.Maverick]

Any tips on accomplishing this? I totally understand the value of such a powerful reframe. I also have a pretty poor identity of a ‘loser’ that I am trying to shake. Is it really as simple as forgetting the past and visualizing a new future self and working towards that?

Check out the book Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Malts.

If you don't like reading I suggest the audiobook version.

 

[14ernovice]

You most certainly have skills. You might be taking them for granted, or diminishing them, and you might not know how to apply them to business, but you absolutely have skills. Everyone does. But, as @Shono said, start by focusing on the pain in your life. Get yourself mentally and physically back on the path to good health first, then go from there. If you're not actively working to be the best version of you that you can be, how can you provide the best value you possibly can to others?

The first step is to stop identifying yourself as a "31 year old loser".

It doesn't matter how hard you try. If this is the story you keep telling yourself, you will self-sabotage endlessly, until the prophecy becomes reality.

Discipline is very important, but most people are misusing this word, and they describe something different.

People that are working hard are not grinding their teeth and relying on what you would call "discipline" to power through life. This would be a very bad approach. It's not sustainable and will backfire horribly, with cycles of overworking yourself and then "falling of the wagon" and not doing anything for months.

The solution is to create a vision for you life.

If you had the power to choose how your future plays out, the most wonderful life you can imagine, how would that life look like? And most importantly, who is the person that can create this life?

The goal is to become that person.

Who you've been until this point is completely irrelevant. Forget everything you think you know about yourself.

From this moment onwards, life can be entirely different.

As soon as you wake up and truly understand that you are the creator of your destiny, there is no stopping.

Let's get back to work.



PS: If you're not already doing it, start training hard.
The barbell will teach you everything you need to know about winning in life.

Awesome response thanks. Does anyone have any legit discipline books to recommend?

 

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[Raedrum]

@14ernovice I totally understand that. I'm 33, did a major depression from 29 to 30, always been a weed addict and only begin to really put my shits together now. I've been the tomorrow guy for a loooong time.

First, understand that a lot of things are possible if you want to. There are worst stories on this forum that ended up very well. Give yourself the permission to have hope, use culpability to your advantage and don't let it mine you.

Second, simplify and rationnalize your progress. Begin with easy steps, do physicial training. You can't ? Do daily push ups. You can't ? Do a daily walk. You can't ? Drink 2L of water daily. But DECIDE of a simple thing you can and will do everyday from now on. Keep it for severals days and then go up from there.

This way you slowly shift on the way of progress. You'll have something to be proud of, and set up a circle of motivation. This is the foundations of your future self.

Yes it's probably gonna be long and difficult, but everything is, at least at the beginning. Recently I can do without weed after 10+ years of addiction. It took me time but I drink water, eats fruits, do sport. This is my new norm, and the foundation of the next.

Take easy steps but fix them and use them as mark. Be proud of your progress and capitalize on it ! Doing 1% better tomorrow is still progress.

A good book might be "The Power of Habit", but don't use the reading as an excuse, begin NOW with something.

 

[heavy_industry]

Any tips on accomplishing this? I totally understand the value of such a powerful reframe. I also have a pretty poor identity of a ‘loser’ that I am trying to shake. Is it really as simple as forgetting the past and visualizing a new future self and working towards that?

Never try to forget the past.

All the bad things that happened in the past are your life experience. This can be one of your greatest advantages in life. Why? Because you have crystal clear knowledge of what is going to happen if you do the bad things. The memory of experience is the only thing that can bring wisdom to you. You either learn from your mistakes, or from other's mistakes.

But the only way to turn the burden of the past into your greatest asset, is to constantly remind yourself that you are not what happened to you.

You are what you choose to become now.

And a loser is not defined by their current circumstances. But rather by their actions. For example:

Loser behavior:

• Giving up
• Adopting a victim mindset
• Being arrogant and unwilling to learn from others
• Blaming other people for their misery

Winner behavior:

• Taking full responsibility for their life.
• Understanding that the actions of today will be the results of tomorrow.
• Having the discipline and humility to execute the daily process, which is often times boring and monotonous.
• Being kind and helping other people.

Being a loser/winner is not a permanent state, and as I've said, it's not defined by your circumstances, only by your actions. This is a choice that you get to make every single day. And this choice has consequences.

The more days in a row you choose to be a winner, the better life will be.

---

As for crafting a new identity for yourself, you have to understand that who you think you are and what you think you remember about the past is all in your memory.

A huge heap of memory that has slowly built up over time, most likely through a bad process.

Visualization can help, but the best way to change your identity is through repeating a good process every single day.

You will gradually become what you repeatedly do.

Keep walking on the right path, and month by month things will improve. In a few years everything will turn into gold.

---

I would also like to add the fact that based on your recent activity you have earned my respect.

I truly believe that you are a prime candidate for living an amazing life. You truly deserve it.

You've just had a bad start in life. No problem. We can only go up from here. And there are no limits.

Please do not hesitate to send me a message if you ever need help with anything.

 

[AJV]

Hi,

I'm not sure if my approach will fit you, but I was very undisciplined, overweight and daily drinking. The change started after reading Atomic Habits at the age of 32. The author explains that our habits define us. If you run 4 kilometers per day, eat healthy and do not drink - you eventually will become a fit and healthy person. If you spend two hours every day learning something, you will become good at it. If you spend the same amount of time on your online business every day, it will be successful sooner or later.

So every change in our future live should start with some habit today.

Then he goes on about how to build habits, but to summarize in a couple of words - habits have to have a daily "trigger". As in "I will run after I have breakfast" or "I will study after work". There should be a daily event or action that should lead to the new habit completion. I read it and never applied

Then I watched this video from Laura Vanderkam and read her book "168 hours" where she claims that we tend to prioritize our daily schedules poorly - placing our work first, and family, education, fun last (if there will be time, which is never the case). But it should be the opposite.

These days I start with studies (2 hours) then I work on my online business (4 hours) then I have a 4 km walk with my wife and dog (2 hours) and only then I work (6 hours). Flipping the schedule upside down helped me to start the days with something I love and something that inspires me. Morning is the most productive time, now I spend it wisely.

I've been doing that for 3 years now. I don't have time or need to drink, I was promoted several times, my business is growing and my relationship blossoms. The 4 km walks are a relatively new addition to my routines, but I'm already losing weight.

So the lesson I learned from this is that new habits stick if you allocate time to them every day and before work.

I guess your work could also have a flexible schedule. Maybe try doing what ever you postpone before you start working?
Try to listen to the 168 hours audio book, it's motivating.

 

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[xmartel]

I desperately need disc in my life. I always put things off until tomorrow. This goes on until I have "tomorrowed" myself into next week, month, or year doing very little or nothing.

Those of you who are extremely disciplined, how can I become like you? What are your discipline tips? I need to start getting out of the hole i have dug myself into.

I'd suggest the book "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg

Many years ago I was overweight, didn't have anything going for me in the way of a business, no significant other, few friends, etc. And while I had a job that could pay well, due to the nature of it I was laid off most of the time and only making EI. So I was broke.
I spent most of my day watching TV.

This was before that book came along, so I had to figure most of this out myself, but the book would have helped speed it up.

I started with small changes, and that's where you have to start. If you look at where you are, and picture where you want to be, it's a huge chasm and can be too much to absorb. It can easily overwhelm you and cause more inaction.

Jordan Peterson actually talks about this, and he gets mocked a lot about his comments about taking small steps, like just making your bed in the morning. But I think he's spot on, because it's what I had to do.

I stated taking small steps to just keep my house a little cleaner. And while I was watching TV I started doing a 10 min workout a few times a day (an intense burst of pushups, situps, and burpees).

These little things started making me feel better, and then I pulled out my bike and started biking around town. Then eventually I got interested in the standards that Navy Seals train to, so I started riding my bike a few miles out to a back country road, and then I'd do the run they do and time myself.

Confidence started going up. Weight started going down. Discipline started going up. It was a self reinforcing cycle.

I then took a clearance with work to a different division. I felt I needed an adventure (another thing Peterson talks about, and he's bang on with it. Men need adventure in life). So I moved a couple thousand miles from home, I had no idea how long it would be for, or what I'd encounter when I got there. But it was a huge step for me.
It only ended up being for a short time, but the impact was huge and further built confidence.

This process started about spring 2008, and by fall 2009 I felt like a different man. I met the woman that would become my wife, and things were definitely on a different trajectory.
By the end of 09 I'd lost over 70lbs. had a girl, more friends, work was going better. etc.

I still didn't have my own business, and wasn't sure what I was going to do, but looking back now I have a much clearer picture of how that process works.
You just have to keep your eyes open to opportunities, be curious about everything you see. There is tons of business opportunities all around you as you're making your deliveries. You just have to train yourself to be able to see them.

A tip on this; traditionally offline, old industries/businesses that are boring have enormous opportunities. People chase shiny and fancy, but boring makes a lot of money.
Also, for your first business, don't worry about it being big, or meeting all CENTS, the point is just starting a business and going down that road of learning how to run it will lead to numerous other benefits.
You'll gain valuable experience and wisdom, but what will also happen, is once you're running a business you'll start seeing other problems in that industry, and other industries, that need solving. And these problems may be where the real business opportunities lie. But you won't find them until you start with something.

Now I have multiple businesses, millions in revenue, we've had our best year ever (revenue, profit, and cash flow), dream home on my dream piece of land, more business opportunities than I can jump on, and more importantly than those things, an amazing wife and 3 of the best kids ever.

I won't get too far into to respect forum rules, but faith was also an important part of my journey. Having a core foundation to anchor to is vitally important.

Small things do lead to big things. Keep your eye on the ball where you want to go, but don't let it bog you down. Start very small. Make your bed. Go for a walk. Do a few pushups. Keep your eyes open for business opportunities and be curious about everything. If you do that and keep going down that road, it will snowball for you. Not overnight, it will be a multi year journey, but it will happen.

The only secret to success that I know of is perseverance.

 

[Shono]

Check out the book Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Malts.

If you don't like reading I suggest the audiobook version.

I’ve read/listened to that book, I think 4 times. although it has been a while.

EDIT: I rarely recommend books because I firmly believe that action / experience is 1000x more potent for learning than reading, but in this instance, the best book I have ever read regarding a change of personality / identity is the book by Dr Benjamin Hardy called 'Personality isn't permanent.' It really does a good job of how to reframe your past blunders/traumas into growth/resiliency.

Personality Isn’t Permanent is a self-development book written by Dr. Benjamin Hardy. It dispels various myths about personality and gives a roadmap to building a successful and fulfilling life. I learned that who you are is transformed by the actions you take to fulfill a goal located outside of your comfort zone.

This book is the one of the best self-development books of all time.

If you are stuck in your life, it may be the only book you need.

Unlike most self-help gurus, Ben Hardy practices what he preaches. He has a Ph.D. in psychology and was the most read writer in the world on Medium between 2015 and 2018.

I recommend you read the book for a full understanding of the principles.

 

[Kak]

Can you elaborate more on the hole your in? If it’s not too personal? From my experience discipline for me came from removing bad habits, ie. the quintessential example of the alcoholic or stoner who has a victim - woe is me mentality etc etc. that was me. Rather than finding good habits, I had to remove bad coping mechanisms/behaviors first and then become emotionally self aware and mature then the discipline kind of came as a natural byproduct.

Also, putting things off til tomorrow AKA procrastination, is actually a very deep rooted cause and effect from a psychological standpoint. Did you experience any traumas or disparaging experiences in your youth? Sometimes we are stultified from past programming that we develop learned helplessness, which presents as procrastination.

I would say really reflect on the pain, rather than future pleasure. Everyone dreams of success but not many people actively face the pain. Science has proven the stick is a bigger motivator than the carrot. Really reflect on how painful it will be to continue what you are doing. 31 is young, but it’s time. The time is NOW. You are at a goldilocks age where perhaps you have squandered much, but can now use that as coal for the furnace of your future endeavors.

Go read up some gold threads here of how people became successful, that is usually informative from a regime or procedural point of view.

You had to be trolling when you first showed up here.

 

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[Timotheus28]

I think the first step for you should be to set up a weekly schedule for yourself. It's much easier to get things done if they are written down and planned. But don't overdo it in the beginning - you can't transition to a superhuman overnight.

The best thing for you would probably be to incorporate some form of exercise/body movement as you mentioned that you are struggling with weight at the moment – for example, 10 pushups, 10 squats, and 10 crunches for 3 rounds with rest in between, and do this 3 times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

From there, you can move forward and plan more things like learning a new skill etc.

As a little inspiration, I have attached my current schedule. Hint: I am human, therefore I don't stick to the schedule 100% of the time - life happens, and then you have to adjust. But it´s a really good guideline for me and helps to stay productive most of the time.

I attached the file if somebody wants to use it as a template.

 

[Matt Lee]

What are your discipline tips? I need to start getting out of the hole i have dug myself into. (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

What you might not realize is you're asking for a specific solution.

Problem is, no one here knows you enough to give you an accurate specific solution.

It might work for them, but it may not work for you. No 1 size fit-all shoes. Only you can create highly specific and personalized solutions for yourself. Everything that is step-by-step is none other than generalized advice.

So here's a place to start.

What got you up to this point in your life? (notice I'm asking you to reflect.)

Write out the exact set of habits, daily routine, and mental dialogues you've been having over the past years. Audit everything. It shouldn't take much thinking. In fact, you should be able to list everything with relative ease in a single sitting.

Now that you got a list. Take a good look at it because these are the things you've been doing that are not working.

Next, you might want to do a thought experiment.

What if you start doing the opposite of the things on your list? What would you do each day differently? What thoughts would you be thinking? What habits would you start to adopt? The idea here is, if you put in different inputs then you will get different outputs. (Close your eyes and ask these questions.)

Then it becomes a matter of whether you would be willing to intact everything that you just thought out from now on. You already know change is possible. You know what you need to do. You know the question of discipline is only a matter of making different choices and changing your priorities.

 

[ramonorencio]

Force yourself to do it until it becomes a habit. No matter how you feel. Once to start and keep going you gain momentum and then it becomes difficult to do whatever bad habits you have.
I'm overweight myself, but I lost 40 pounds in two months by fasting and eating one meal a day on feeding days.

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

"The 31 year old loser" has been banned from the forum 4 times now because he continues to post low-quality posts, This is user @Jbrow327 who has been moderated and thinks he can evade detection.

If you detect a low quality post from a new user, please report. It is mostly likely this clown who refuses to follow any rules. There's a reason why he's been moderated and all his posts need prior approval.

If JBROW wants to continue this conversation, it is recommended he login to his original account, which is not banned, just moderated.

 

[BizyDad]

You had to be trolling when you first showed up here.

I believe I've only listened to one episode of The Kak Radio Show.

I will definitely listen to the eventual Shono episode.

ShoNO! ShoNO!! ShoNO!!!

It's just a matter of time before he changes his forum handle to Shomethe$

 

[Kak]

I believe I've only listened to one episode of The Kak Radio Show.

I will definitely listen to the eventual Shono episode.

ShoNO! ShoNO!! ShoNO!!!

It's just a matter of time before he changes his forum handle to Shomethe$

Get listening punk.

 

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[Private Witt]

Force yourself to do it until it becomes a habit. No matter how you feel. Once to start and keep going you gain momentum and then it becomes difficult to do whatever bad habits you have.
I'm overweight myself, but I lost 40 pounds in two months by fasting and eating one meal a day on feeding days.

Can you give an example of your one meal.

 

[Raoul Duke]

Any tips on accomplishing this? I totally understand the value of such a powerful reframe. I also have a pretty poor identity of a ‘loser’ that I am trying to shake. Is it really as simple as forgetting the past and visualizing a new future self and working towards that?

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ldAQ6Rh5ZI


@thechosen1

 

[Beijing]

Can you give an example of your one meal.

 

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[Vas87]

As long as there's a diet soda it's fine right?

 

[heavy_industry]

I believe I've only listened to one episode of The Kak Radio Show.

I will definitely listen to the eventual Shono episode.

ShoNO! ShoNO!! ShoNO!!!

It's just a matter of time before he changes his forum handle to Shomethe$

Will definitely watch that episode, and will read the ShoNotes afterwards.

I will be fully focused, and ShoNo boredom.

Let's go @Shono

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ldAQ6Rh5ZI

"Not a licensed therapist"

Perfect line to describe the criminal and exploitative organization of the self-help gurus.

 

[Saad Khan]

You had to be trolling when you first showed up here.

And his grammar improved tenfold since then.

 

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[ramonorencio]

Can you give an example of your one meal.

Keepin it simple with a steak and veggies

 

[Private Witt]

PS: If you're not already doing it, start training hard.
The barbell will teach you everything you need to know about winning in life.

Love this post. Let me ask you for someone like me on the older side who has three limbs that are torn with two beyond repair and the barbell is not an option (still struggle with this fact as used to lift and also no sports). Walking and hiking are only option at this point and while grateful have something it's mind numbing not to have movement outlets and has been a total impact in the negative for the totality of my life.