Fighting Introversion

[RHL]

Anybody else struggle against a strongly introverted nature? I'm very capable, but feel that I end up missing opportunities sometimes because working up the guts to make tough phone calls and fight things out face to face with people often feels more painful than the rewards afterwards. Anyone conquer these feelings? How do you do it?

 

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[Brander]

Don't struggle

Don't struggle against it, embrace it. Do what you are good at and delegate the rest. Don't censor your thoughts and speech for fear they might be "stupid", relax. Quite a few of us are an unfortunate product of an overly critical parent.

If you cannot delegate, what's the worst that can happen when you make a phone call yourself? Rejection? Remember that it's a numbers game, success in anything is a numbers game.

The less worked up you make yourself about the outcome, the more confident you will come across. That doesn't mean to not prepare and do your homework, just means that you approach the task at hand the same as if you were calling a mate of yours. You don't work yourself into a frenzy when you call a mate, do you?

Just be yourself at the meeting, people spot fakeness instantly and it will go against you like nothing else. It's better to be stoic sometimes then come off as fake.

Things have a habit of starting to work out better for you when you are being comfortable in your own skin and genuinely displaying it.

Anybody else struggle against a strongly introverted nature?

 

[JAJT]

Growing up I was very, very introverted. It's still my "go to" response, truthfully. Despite "getting past it" I still have to kick myself in the a$$ now and then when I find myself writing an email when I know full well a phone call is the right option.

Bottom Line: Practice. Lots of it.

Think up a question or comment to ask anyone you meet - grocery store clerks, people in the elevator, new co-workers you bump into in the hall at work, whatever. Start up conversations. You have to say "F*ck it, let's do it" a LOT when you get that gut-wrenching feeling.

Get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. Fake it until you make it.

Right now I'm a professional salesperson, have been for 10+ years. It was literally the worst career choice I could have made for my personality type, but ended up being the best for my personal and professional development needs. I went from someone afraid to pick up the phone to someone who approaches strangers at parties and dives right into meaningful conversations. You CAN make the transition, but there is no quick-fix here - you are talking about a psychological transition that goes against everything you've done for your entire life up to this point. It takes practice and time. The more practice, the less time needed.

FORCE YOURSELF out of it. I forget who posted the quote recently (and I'm likely butchering it) but "Everything you want is on the other side of uncomfortable".

 

[johnp]

You're not fighting introversion. You're fighting yourself.

Stop fighting.

The moment that you grow the balls to pick up the phone and ask anybody for anything...

money..advice...feedback...

you become capable of anything...

 

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[brycer9]

I have mild autism and a pretty bad stutter, but yet I still pick up the phone. No excuses. Stop thinking so much, just dial the number and start with step 1

 

[RHL]

money..advice...feedback...

you become capable of anything...

No excuses.

I want to be clear that this isn't a post where a lazy person is trying to blame their inaction on a problem. Just last week, I pushed hard in a negotiation and really honed in on a number that would make me not just satisfied, but ecstatic. I got it. The fallout: I "made" $5,000 in twenty minutes (because I got them to agree to a number I could live with before I even came to the table). I get stuff done, I'm just not going at the rate or with the ease I'd like.

But when I got out to the car and the deal was in ink, I felt like you do when you avoid having a car crash by the skin of your teeth-my hands were trembling slightly, it was like the combination of excitement from exceeding my expectations and fiercely contending with a group of bargainers as a single person left me with such a frisson I couldn't even put the car in gear.

I always find myself putting off tough phone calls as long as possible-to the end of the day, to the next day. I want to feel powerful during those voice-to-voice or face-to-face conversations, like I do when I write. I wish I could "just do it," but I still struggle.

Tell you what: I'll commit to execution. It's nearly 10PM here, but I have 4 business negotiation phone calls to make this week. I'll make all of them tomorrow and report back.

 

[Daniel A]

Learn from Pejman, from Secret Entourage. Take a job as a telemarketer for a while and lose that fear. I know of another successful entrepreneur who did the same...literally just to get rid of that fear.

I might even do it until I am so comfortable with it. It seems like a great learning experience.

 

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[RHL]

That's a cool idea, but my slow-lane job is pretty good, both in general and allowing me the freedom to merge onto the fastlane at vastly reduced risk because the pay vs. time demand of it is quite favorable, so I can work on my own project with guaranteed bills paid, health care, optical, and dental. I wouldn't want to give it up to take a job in direct sales. Maybe I can find something that just employs for weekend shifts.

 

[Ubermensch]

Anybody else struggle against a strongly introverted nature? I'm very capable, but feel that I end up missing opportunities sometimes because working up the guts to make tough phone calls and fight things out face to face with people often feels more painful than the rewards afterwards. Anyone conquer these feelings? How do you do it?

My first sales job was going door-to-door selling paint jobs. I was 18. On my first day, I was scared out of my mind. Even now, sometimes I suffer from call reluctance. Here's a collection of stuff I've picked up over the years to motivate myself to act.

1) Relax your right hand and stare down at your open palm. Take seven deep breaths. Inhale deeply through your nose, exhale slowly through your mouth. If you want, you can say an affirmation as you exhale (example: "This money isn't going to make itself.") On the seventh exhale, tighten your abdominal muscles - and all of the muscles in your core - as tightly as you can. Make a fist.

I do this to remind myself that I have control over my body. You have control over your fist. You have control over your fingers, your hands, your arms, and your voice box. You have control over whether or not you pick up the phone, press the buttons, and lift it to your ear.

2) Make sure that you are organized. Do you have your call list set up? How is it set up? I use simple Excel spreadsheets. Also, make sure you have your script in mind. By script, I don't mean a verbal prison that you are not free to improvise with. Rather, you just need to have a very clear idea of what you're going to say. It often helps to know something about the person you're about to call. Helps break the ice.

3) Watch this: [video=youtube;qhmZSHOCOCw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhmZSHOCOCw[/video]

4) Then this: [video=youtube;y3aA0XIp7vs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3aA0XIp7vs[/video]

5) Read the book Liar's Poker and Monkey Business.

These are literally the movies and books that made me realize that there is nothing cooler than sales. It's cooler than being an entertainer. It's cooler than being a pro athlete (three-fourths of those guys end up being broke anyway).

Remember, buddy. This is a contact sport. A good broker makes over 700 calls per day...

The first call is the hardest. The second is a little easier. By time you hit call number 72, you probably will feel the confidence of having talked to a few people biting on your pitch. And think about it. What's the worst that can happen?

You call...

Ring...

Customer picks up...

Customer: Hello?

You: Good morning, Mr. Customer. Sales pitch, bla, bla, bla, sales pitch, bla bla bla...

Customer: F*ck you.

You: F*ck you, too.

I mean... what's the worst that can happen, bro???

 

[Ubermensch]

I have bad gas this morning. Glad I don't have any meetings today.

 

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[RHL]

Ubermensch, what great advice! My gears are spinning thinking about how to apply this. My issue is that for my hardest calls, I'm a buyer, not a seller. My logic is that I can't know for sure what the buy price will be down the line, so I have to go to ground making sure I get it at the most outrageous sale price humanly possible. This is tough, because techniques for upsell and for getting the price down aren't quite the same, and one seller isn't as good as another in the same way that one buyer is as good as another (someone has a better product, unique product, etc.

Businesses open on the east coast in forty minutes, and my Midwest contacts in a hour and forty. It's go time.

 

[Ubermensch]

Businesses open on the east coast in forty minutes, and my Midwest contacts in a hour and forty. It's go time.

Cool, man. Glad I could help!

I'm about to jump on the phone right now myself. I'll hop back on the forums probably late tonight or early tomorrow morning. Or possibly later if I have a brief break.

I've got something that may help you out a bit if you're calling clients in different time zones. I'll try to get it out here in a bit...

 

[Allen]

Don't struggle against it, embrace it. Do what you are good at and delegate the rest. Don't censor your thoughts and speech for fear they might be "stupid", relax. Quite a few of us are an unfortunate product of an overly critical parent.

If you cannot delegate, what's the worst that can happen when you make a phone call yourself? Rejection? Remember that it's a numbers game, success in anything is a numbers game.

The less worked up you make yourself about the outcome, the more confident you will come across. That doesn't mean to not prepare and do your homework, just means that you approach the task at hand the same as if you were calling a mate of yours. You don't work yourself into a frenzy when you call a mate, do you?

Just be yourself at the meeting, people spot fakeness instantly and it will go against you like nothing else. It's better to be stoic sometimes then come off as fake.

Things have a habit of starting to work out better for you when you are being comfortable in your own skin and genuinely displaying it.

Is an overly critical parent a precursor for introversion?

I am an INFJ according to Myers Briggs and I too have enjoyed a successful 20+ year in corporate communications and IT sales. What I find easier is the actual selling process to the market but I'm challenged with all the back-slapping, brown-nosing self-promotion inside the organizations I've worked for. I almost have a Superman-Clark Kent approach where when I'm "on", I'm on, but then I want to turn it off. Extraverts never seem to want to turn it off.

Embrace your personality and work on enhancing your strengths. What made me a successful salesperson was my strong listening skills. Customers picked up on that and realized I wasn't a hit and run salesman.

Don't focus on correcting your weaknesses, instead focus on expanding your strengths.

 

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[Ubermensch]

View attachment 2012%u002520lead%20management%20survey%20print-research-lrm-study-07-short-summary-f1.pdf

Alright, here it is man. This study is really helpful if you're cold calling clients in different parts of the country.

In short, not all call hours are created equal. Best times to call clients, according to the study, is early in the morning and late in the afternoon. Calls during the most effective hours are insanely more productive than calling during the most unproductive hours (lunch time, mid-afternoon, etc).

So, if you think about it, let's say you're on the east coast. Start calling east coast clients at 7am 'til 9:30am. Slowly work your way west, through the time zones, until you are calling west coast clients (pacific standard time) at 12pm est. 12pm est is a terrible time to call east coast clients, but it's a great time - 9am PST - to call west coast clients. This allows you to fully maximize your most valuable resource: time. You can call western clients from 6pm - 9pm est (3pm - 6pm pst). So, if you really want to kill it - and I mean really kill it - you can essentially make calls 14 hours a day (minus whatever other activities you have going on).

Alright... time to keep dialing...

 

[poro78]

One fighter reporting in.

I have the working me and the normal me, description for the latter being something like "if I'm quiet and stay still they won't notice me".
Social interaction with people I don't know is intimidating, I just don't like attention.
I don't like crowds, I usually feel uneasy at parties, busses, shopping centres etc.
And usually I feel like I don't have anything to give in conversations... and I hate my voice, so I don't like to speak.

It even takes much time to write one single post to a forum, because after couple of lines I start editing and usually delete the whole post just because the feeling I get - posting something will draw attention and probably I'm just saying something stupid anyway.
Of course there is also the language issue, sometimes I just feel that I can't explain things the way I'd like in English.
Maybe one part of this is that I've been trying to learn that everything I do can't be flawless, small mistakes (and even bigger) are completely normal.

[got the urge to delete this post right now ]

Then on the other hand, I can do lots of stuff if it's something you have to do when working.
Can't really explain what happens, but after the employment contract is signed, my mind "gives me permission" to do the tasks - which is stupid because I'm the same me all the time. :coco:
I've done telemarketing (though I hate speaking), been in customer service (though I hate being visible), even been selling stuff at trade fair, done some B2B direct sales (though I hate persuasion and closing deals), been a security guard (though I hate commanding people) and so on.
Of course I forced myself to take these jobs, but usually it was because I wanted to challenge myself.
To get out of the comfort zone and prove that I can do things if I really want, and to prove that I don't (most likely) get killed if I communicate with people.

 

[brycer9]

Here's a great lesson from Jason Nazar on how to deal with social anxiety, it seems to help (It's at 24:06-25:00)

[video=youtube;gT_BN42UPO8]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gT_BN42UPO8[/video]

 

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[dknise]

I'm just going out on a limb here as I'm extremely extroverted and can't personally empathize, but I think a lot of shy introversion stems from a lack of social confidence. Some people definitely have a neural network which prefers introversion to extroversion, but in cases where people are shy, I genuinely believe they often wish they were more extroverted, but they fear persecution and judgement from others.

If that's the case for you, I want you to do the classic Cool Runnings video. You sound like a cool guy. I see a bad mother who don't take no crap from nobody!

[video=youtube;_Gqwi7Y96sk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Gqwi7Y96sk[/video]


Oh, and the term "zero F*cks." There was a big rave this weekend and I shuffled my little heart out. I had people coming up to me asking me how to do it and the first thing I do is tell them "I need you to give zero F*cks right now." Too many people are worried what they look like when they learn to dance, when all I care about is seeing someone enjoy themself. Same thing applies to business, sales, general communication. You gotta be open to hearing "no" and give zero F*cks because more people are saying "yes."

 

[CryptO]

I struggled with being introverted in a society that encourages extroversion for many years.

That is until I learned about introversion and embraced my personality and accepted me for who I am.

If you feel like you need support there are even introvert communities where you can meet other like minded people to help you feel more comfortable with yourself.

Truly understanding your personality is a great asset because it builds a level of confidence that can make you do 'out of the box' things but also to focus on the things that you are good at. You cannot be good at everything, most people are going to be naturally better talkers than you if you're an introvert; FACT. Just appreciate the extroverts for who they are and build on your own strengths.

I always say be proud to be introverted; and for good reason!

We share the same personality traits as some of the worlds best thinkers and business minds, the world would be a much less innovative place if it wasn't for people like us! We don't just hide away either, there's many many successful introverts that are often in the public eye and they handle themselves very well, Bill Gates for example, and he's not doing too badly for himself!

 

[Rerun]

Anybody else struggle against a strongly introverted nature? I'm very capable, but feel that I end up missing opportunities sometimes because working up the guts to make tough phone calls and fight things out face to face with people often feels more painful than the rewards afterwards. Anyone conquer these feelings? How do you do it?

OP, I did. I knew I had to get over this, so I put myself in extremely uncomfortable situations. For example, when I graduated from college I had the opportunity for a real nice, comfy job. I took the lesser paying, cold calling sales job (door-to-door B2B). Absolutely grueling.

Guess what, it worked.

Gotta face your fears head on.

 

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[RHL]

Made all the calls. Established a new "alliance" (I dunno what you'd call a weak partnership, where we're not directly dependent) and saved at least $2,000 on two buys. I put the bug in one persons ear too, so I'm going to try to drive hard to make that $2,000 $4,000 by the time I close, since I have the liquidity to sit on an asset for a few months that this guy doesn't (he's got to move it or get stuck with it till late next year).

If I can nail that $4,000 reduction, when I resell, I'll conservatively be running a return of about 30-35% APY on 50% of my net worth for the next year. Santander just called wanting to offer me their upgraded checking account, with a whole 0.25% interest. LOL.

 

[splok]

I agree with the others who said that the best to improve is to constantly put yourself in a position where you are forced to exercise your social skills. However, getting a position that forces this is more helpful that just making you practice. It lets you assume the role of the "sales-guy", "event-organizer", "fund-raiser", or whatever. This takes a big part of the mental load off since you won't need to worry about whether or not you should be acting in a certain way, since everyone expects the sales-guy to act that way. When you get nervous or uncertain, you can fall back on the position. After a while, you won't really need to, but this can help get you over the hump.

Also, there's no need to abandon your current job to do this. Could you start volunteering to organize events or committees at work? Then you're advancing your career while you learn. You could find a local non-profit that you could volunteer for on the weekend. This can be even more effective because you can help a cause that you find important. Then you don't have to worry about feeling like a sleezy salesman because if you do your job well, you'll actually be helping people.

Also, you need to realize that this is going to make you feel very drained. It takes a LOT of energy for introverts to flex their social muscles, and you should plan on needing some time to recharge afterwards.

 

[damien275x]

I am introverted by nature, but a lot of people describe me as very outgoing and more of an extravert. I learnt to behave as extroverted. Put myself into conversations, hold conversations, chat, mingle, work the room. The social anxiety I had when I was at is gone. I am fine with meeting new people, and can initiate random conversations.

My point? If you desire it and see it as something holding you back, extroversion can be learnt. Kind of like how there are people who are just naturally *good* at sports, they pick up the bat and swing, others have to take lessons for months, but still get there. If they want to. Or like others said, just embrace it. Do you really need to be social in 2013, we have the internet. Hide behind the computer and take money off people, most shit is automated anyway so they are used to dealing with nobody in a transaction.

 

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[RHL]

Businesses are opening in the Midwest in two hours, and in California in five. Hopefully cementing a huge part of my Fastlane plan today.

 

[Allen]

I'm just going out on a limb here as I'm extremely extroverted and can't personally empathize, but I think a lot of shy introversion stems from a lack of social confidence. Some people definitely have a neural network which prefers introversion to extroversion, but in cases where people are shy, I genuinely believe they often wish they were more extroverted, but they fear persecution and judgement from others.

If that's the case for you, I want you to do the classic Cool Runnings video. You sound like a cool guy. I see a bad mother who don't take no crap from nobody!

[video=youtube;_Gqwi7Y96sk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Gqwi7Y96sk[/video]


Oh, and the term "zero F*cks." There was a big rave this weekend and I shuffled my little heart out. I had people coming up to me asking me how to do it and the first thing I do is tell them "I need you to give zero F*cks right now." Too many people are worried what they look like when they learn to dance, when all I care about is seeing someone enjoy themself. Same thing applies to business, sales, general communication. You gotta be open to hearing "no" and give zero F*cks because more people are saying "yes."

I've researched the subject of introversion after being intrigued by a couple articles that seemed to pinpoint the career choices of introverts vs. extroverts.

First, introversion is not shyness as shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation. Rather, introversion is the preference for environments that are not over-stimulating. That is why many introverts (myself included) can function and be successful in socially-competitive environments (such as sales), however unlike extroverts, have a turn-off switch that requires introverts to regroup by looking inward vs. outward.

Also the introvert/extrovert spectrum is almost equally divided at 50% across the entire population. The challenge is that we live in a society that sees ourselves as a nation of extroverts. Extroversion is an enormously appealing personality style because we like to think that we value individuality, the kind of person who is comfortable "putting himself out there".

Many people pretend to be extroverts and some fool even themselves until some life event, a layoff, a medical crisis, or an inheritance that frees them to spend time as they like, jolts them into taking stock of their true nature.

Two great books on this subject include: "The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain and "Introvert Power" by Laurie Helgoe.

 

[poro78]

Hmmm... I have both introvert and shy traits - I prefer to be alone, because most of people are uninteresting.
But then on the other hand I find it hard to communicate with the rare interesting ones as well. (I get tired even with my relatives and closest friends.)

...which is again rather weird, because I don't care what people think about me, so there shouldn't be any fear of social disapproval or humiliation.
Maybe it's just my style to make things difficult.

(Or maybe I am just lacking some communication skills, feeling that I'm not controlling the situation and that's making me feel "shy" - after all, I'm a recovering perfectionist. )

 

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[Ubermensch]

Businesses are opening in the Midwest in two hours, and in California in five. Hopefully cementing a huge part of my Fastlane plan today.

Right on. There we go. Yea. Yea. I get it now.

I literally just had a realization, as I read your post, bro. This is basically... a fight. Life circumstances... you're not supposed to win. Odds are stacked against you. But MJ is right. You got a need to fill? Fill it. Fill it, motherf*cker, with a motherf*cking vengeance. Make your rise epic. Make it legendary. Unleash hell. Grind for your dream.

See you at the top, bruh.

 

[socaldude]

Guys, careful with the words introvert and extravert, they are NOT synonyms for shyness VS outgoing.

If you have social anxiety, thats a completely different thing, the problem is not that you are an introvert. Introverts can be outgoing and socially competent, then come back home and read a book in solitude.

-----

All human encounters are self-fulfilling prophecies. That means that your EXPECTATIONS inspires or motivates behavior which tends to confirm the initial belief in your competence. Your expectations become reality because they inspired the behavior that made such a reality come true! Its a self reinforcing cycle. This is why people who are shy find it so hard to change because they believe that thats the way the are 100% no exceptions due to the evidence that confirms it.

Remember, you ACT they way you predict outcomes. It all in your expectations. If you act nervous then most likely your expectations are filled with humiliation and incompetence. If you expect success and competence as a natural outcome then you act calm and confident.

BTW when we talk about self-confidence it is very important to accurately define it. Self-confidence means TRUST. The same way a confidence artist or con man gets you to trust in him so he can scam you. Trust in what? Trust in your mind. Your mind is the basic tool you use for everything. When you talk you use your mind. So self-confidence means trust in your mind to be a reliable and competent tool for the uncertainty and demands of the activity, be it social or not. The more you trust your mind the more you act that way and then your expectations become reality.