Dealing with depression as an entrepreneur, figuring things out as I go

[BellaPippin]

My boyfriend doesn't care and just gets more aggressive and lazier as time goes on. I tell him he needs to learn self-control because he's almost 30 and in return he just gets harsher with his aggressions.

GTFO from a former abuse sufferer to another. Because that's what's going on. GTFO.

You would be surprised how fast the boat starts floating and things aligning after you let go of THAT weight

Like, you know what happens when you push the beach ball under the water and let go? THAT FAST

 

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[Deleted74396]

GTFO from a former abuse sufferer to another. Because that's what's going on. GTFO.

You would be surprised how fast the boat starts floating and things aligning after you let go of THAT weight

Like, you know what happens when you push the beach ball under the water and let go? THAT FAST

He'll burn my house down and I'm literally taking it to market within a month. I can't even risk that as if the house doesn't sell (or sells at a much lower price cause it's been destroyed) I'm still stuck in a similarly shitty situation.

I picked out where I wanna move though, and it's far away. I know I can do this

 

[BellaPippin]

I'm still stuck in a similarly shitty situation.

So like, shitty situation w/aggresive boyfriend, shitty situation - aggresive boyfriend to worry about? It's a no brainer. The house DOESN'T MATTER. It's a house. It won't be nearly as bad as you imagine. You're trapped by fear.

Also I also thought like that and he didn't do half of what I thought he would do. He didn't wanna risk his good boy reputation outside the house doors. They use fear to keep you there and that's why you think you should suck up another year. Don't.

You can bounce back from losing money. But it took me two years, and ongoing medication and therapy to bounce back from the trauma. You can pay bills with a simple retail job. You're not useless. You probably think you can't work because he's telling you all that bullshit. Is a house worth more than your life? Because even if he doesn't kill you he's robbing you of it in time and spirit.

 

[Deleted74396]

So like, shitty situation w/aggresive boyfriend, shitty situation - aggresive boyfriend to worry about? It's a no brainer. The house DOESN'T MATTER. It's a house. It won't be nearly as bad as you imagine. You're trapped by fear.

Also I also thought like that and he didn't do half of what I thought he would do. He didn't wanna risk his good boy reputation outside the house doors. They use fear to keep you there and that's why you think you should suck up another year. Don't.

You can bounce back from losing money. But it took me two years, and ongoing medication and therapy to bounce back from the trauma. You can pay bills with a simple retail job. You're not useless. You probably think you can't work because he's telling you all that bullshit. Is a house worth more than your life? Because even if he doesn't kill you he's robbing you of it in time and spirit.

I feel you, really I do. But I live alone, I don't have any friends and my family abandoned me a long time ago. Even if I dumped him, he'd only be living a few miles away. I have no pets even so I'd be totally alone in my house, it wouldn't be safe. He's threatened to smash my windows, and even made comments about wanting his ex's head on a stick if she wasn't far away. It's not as easy as just leaving :/

 

[Tourmaline]

Oh man this got dark

I would suggest spending as little time around him as possible. Go anywhere else. I highly suggest nature as much as possible. There is nothing like being alone in nature. It is where one can well discover how not alone they are, if that makes any sense.

I would suggest accepting everything that you're going through. That doesn't mean don't strive to change it. But accept that this is how things are. For whatever reason, you're going through this. No matter what you may think or feel, you cannot at this present moment make whatever is true about how things are not true. So just accept that things are this way. Then change things little by little for the better, as you are already doing. Struggling against the reality of how things creates feelings of frustrations, sadness, anger, etc...while changing nothing about how things are presently.

I would suggest going and meeting others. There are invariably some people in your city that you can connect with and become friends with. You could look for places to volunteer, and the organization you help will in turn likely be willing to help you should you need it in the future.

Throughout the whole time as needed, especially when negative feelings come up, I would suggest breathing. Slowly, 2 seconds in, 4 seconds out, and just focus on your breath. All this too shall pass.

It took me more than 16 years to overcome depression, and the above was part of the puzzle, for me.

 

[BellaPippin]

I feel you, really I do. But I live alone, I don't have any friends and my family abandoned me a long time ago. Even if I dumped him, he'd only be living a few miles away. I have no pets even so I'd be totally alone in my house, it wouldn't be safe. He's threatened to smash my windows, and even made comments about wanting his ex's head on a stick if she wasn't far away. It's not as easy as just leaving :/

I live abroad. I only had one friend, who helped me pack to leave unannounced. You can kick him out if the house is yours and get a restraining order. There's probably resources in your area for domestic violence. The reason you don't have friends is because they isolate you. Not working a job didn't help you either. That was where I met my only friend here, the one who helped me.

Look, I know the feeling, I know I'm making it sound like it's easy when it's not. This is a "feel the fear and do it anyway" type of thing. Because if the violence escalates the result will be the same either way. Look for help in the area. They will help you kick him out and keep him away. If he's nasty in texts start taking screenshots. If he lays a finger on you take a picture of the bruise. Record sound if you can.

Just as me the only thing stopping you from progress is THAT. Yes it's a pain in the a$$ but being in your situation is even worse. I was married and had to file for divorce and see him in court and stuff. The only thing I asked for in exchange of everything I was supposedly entitled to was that he refinanced the condo so I was out of the loan, only so that the whole nightmare would end faster. But if I hadn't gone through that relatively shorter hell I wouldn't have escaped the violent situation I was in. Although he doesn't know where I live we're in the same city.

He says that about his ex to scare you. There's a reason she's her ex and is far away, living her life now. If he is that crazy how hard is it to get on a train/plane to go hurt her or whatever? Call his bluff. Is it a gamble? Yes, maybe, but like I said there's people that help with this and to protect you from retaliation, if he is indeed that crazy. You are not alone. If you leave you have a chance if you don't leave you don't even get that.

 

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[Deleted74396]

I can't think clearly or figure things out, I feel so stressed. I'm following Bella's advice, as much as I can, but I'm like... how do I get into Instagram and be 'fun' (so people engage, enjoy watching my stories, etc) when I feel so bad? I need to get back in as it's the easiest way I can bring some money in, and I can't figure anything else out.

 

[John Clancy]

I can't think clearly or figure things out, I feel so stressed. I'm following Bella's advice, as much as I can, but I'm like... how do I get into Instagram and be 'fun' (so people engage, enjoy watching my stories, etc) when I feel so bad? I need to get back in as it's the easiest way I can bring some money in, and I can't figure anything else out.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling at the minute. It can be hard to see a way forward when you're mired in the dark and feel there's no escape... You start to think you can't make things better, or that life is conspiring against you, or there's just no point.

As other people have said, changing your environment would be a huge help. Living with someone who's actively making your life worse is like a weight around your ankles - it makes staying afloat a major struggle. But only you can make that choice, so we'll skip that.

Off the top of my head, here are some thoughts and ideas that might help:

• Have you considered returning to your old clients (people you've had success with before) and offering your services to them at a discounted rate?
• Could you go back to them and ask for referrals to other businesses you could serve, giving them a cut of the proceeds if they send a client your way?
• Could you rely on family or friends for financial assistance?
• Could your boyfriend pretend to be renting from you in your house & claim some form of unemployment benefit?
• Could you get office work or work as a sales assistant in a shop/supermarket? Just to tide things over until you get back a little breathing space
• Could you get someone here on the forum to package up your previous success stories in an attractive case study, get someone else to help you find work via cold outreach & pay them both on a contingency basis (I.e. when results manifest)?
• Do you have any personal possessions you could sell to earn some money?
• Could you link up with a local homeless shelter and offer them use of your home as emergency/overflow accommodation in exchange for cash? Which you could use to rent a room somewhere, perhaps
• Could you sign up to a platform like Amazon's Mechanical Turk or Rev.com - something that offers low, but relatively consistent yields?

 

[Stargazer]

As you know having bought your house the Exchange of Contracts and Completion date are the important ones.

As it nears you will become anxious that it doesn't fall through.

Whatever you do, do not let your boyfriend know what the dates are or let him see any correspondence which would have the dates on it. Estate Agents, Solicitors and Removal Firm letters.

I imagine he will be monitoring Rightmove so it's a bit hard to pretend it is not for sale.

Dan

PS: If you think you are in serious trouble DM me your number

 

[BellaPippin]

Memes?

 

[Abrodos]

I can't think clearly or figure things out, I feel so stressed. I'm following Bella's advice, as much as I can, but I'm like... how do I get into Instagram and be 'fun' (so people engage, enjoy watching my stories, etc) when I feel so bad? I need to get back in as it's the easiest way I can bring some money in, and I can't figure anything else out.

I'd say self-employment and other entrepreneurial endeavors are far from easy when you're in difficult times.

There's a basic investment recommendation that says "never invest when you're in need of money". I'd say also, don't try to start a business when you're facing big energy draining problems, because the business depends entirely on your energy level.

An employee job, where another is the boss would be ideal, all the problems would be theirs to manage and would leave you more space for slow and steady recovery. It would also help you know people (customers, coworkers). Having direct, warm physical contact with people, a smile, routinely engaging them, listening to their worries, will also help you a lot, will give you moments of rest from your internal fuss. We are made to be in community, and we're happy when we have social contact.
If getting a job is really difficult, and there are no support groups as Bella said, is there any organization/volunteering group/free classes that offers you a chance to be with people?

Also, I see that one of the biggest burdens you have now is the house. why not just dump it? or sell it at a much lower price and be done with it + have a bunch of quick money in a matter of weeks? I think you're debt-free. You can rise that same amount again for sure, and buy another, better house whenever you need it.

The Script takes away many important things, freedom and self-realization, but it offers safety, a routine, stability and a sense of belonging and social bonds, which are all important as a temporary measure when working towards healing.

Last (but not least) I wanted to tell you something that a friend told me when I was in my lowest moments. I genuinely admire you. You're able to achieve stuff that neither I nor most of the members in this forum have never achieved. You might underestimate your achievements, your qualities, and overestimate the ones of others; it's easy to fall in this trap. I also did, until a friend of mine which I envied, expressed his admiration for my artistic talent, which I was giving for granted. He told me something along the lines of "I envy you, I wish I was able to do what you do with clay".

 

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[Deleted74396]

Wow, @BellaPippin I'm so grateful for your honesty with me. It's honestly eye-opening. I have to take things slow as I have so much to process.

I like ZenHabits/PsychCentral-type blog articles as they break things down in an easy to understand way. I couldn't make it past the subheadings on a post about narcissistic abuse until this evening after finally opening up to a friend (long distance sadly) about my partner.

This one is too real. It's not quite mind-numbing as I'm adding value to the property but it definitely explains why I'm finding it so easy to hyper-focus on renovation work (despite never being interested in physical work/building much before):

You feel emotionally or even physically detached from your environment, experiencing disruptions in your memory, perceptions, consciousness and sense of self. Dissociation can lead to emotional numbing in the face of horrific circumstances. Mind-numbing activities, obsessions, addictions and repression may become a way of life because they give you an escape from your current reality. Your brain finds ways to emotionally block out the impact of your pain so you do not have to deal with the full terror of your circumstances.

And another.

A common symptom of trauma is avoiding anything that represents reliving the trauma – whether it be people, places or activities that pose that threat. Whether it be your friend, your partner, your family member, co-worker or boss, you find yourself constantly watching what you say or do around this person lest you incur their wrath, punishment or become the object of their envy.

However, you find that this does not work and you still become the abuser’s target whenever he or she feels entitled to use you as an emotional punching bag.

Yup, since December when I started working on my own problems, I've been way more thoughtful, selfless and generally a much better person. Still, from the way I'm spoken to you'd think I was a lazy piece of trash who does nothing all day. Nothing I do is ever good enough for him. Even when I do 6-8 hours of work, and he does 2!

And here's the big two, especially considering before finding FLF I was seriously expecting to not be in this world as of 2020, following my disastrous 2019 - which I blamed myself for:

Victims often find themselves ruminating over the abuse and hearing the abuser’s voice in their minds, amplifying their negative self-talk and tendency towards self-sabotage. Malignant narcissists ‘program’ and condition their victims to self-destruct – sometimes even to the point of driving them to suicide.

You fear doing what you love and achieving success.

Since many pathological predators are envious of their victims, they punish them for succeeding. This conditions their victims to associate their joys, interests, talents and areas of success with cruel and callous treatment. This conditioning gets their victims to fear success lest they be met with reprisal and reprimand.

As a result, victims become depressed, anxious, lack confidence and they may hide from the spotlight and allow their abusers to ‘steal’ the show again and again. Realize that your abuser is not undercutting your gifts because they truly believe you are inferior; it is because those gifts threaten their control over you.

Even now I feel a slight amount of fear sharing this, that people will see me as weak, but my only hope is that it can give hope to or help just one person.

'The first step is becoming aware of the reality of your situation and validating it'

I just have to remember I am going to be happy and successful and fulfilled and not to be afraid of the journey this thread details.

 

[BellaPippin]

Wow, @BellaPippin I'm so grateful for your honesty with me. It's honestly eye-opening. I have to take things slow as I have so much to process.

I like ZenHabits/PsychCentral-type blog articles as they break things down in an easy to understand way. I couldn't make it past the subheadings on a post about narcissistic abuse until this evening after finally opening up to a friend (long distance sadly) about my partner.

This one is too real. It's not quite mind-numbing as I'm adding value to the property but it definitely explains why I'm finding it so easy to hyper-focus on renovation work (despite never being interested in physical work/building much before):


And another.

Yup, since December when I started working on my own problems, I've been way more thoughtful, selfless and generally a much better person. Still, from the way I'm spoken to you'd think I was a lazy piece of trash who does nothing all day. Nothing I do is ever good enough for him. Even when I do 6-8 hours of work, and he does 2!

And here's the big two, especially considering before finding FLF I was seriously expecting to not be in this world as of 2020, following my disastrous 2019 - which I blamed myself for:


Even now I feel a slight amount of fear sharing this, that people will see me as weak, but my only hope is that it can give hope to or help just one person.

'The first step is becoming aware of the reality of your situation and validating it'

I just have to remember I am going to be happy and successful and fulfilled and not to be afraid of the journey this thread details.

Dear I've been there suicidal ideation and everything and there's an exit, you are way stronger, valuable, smart and accomplished than that piece of trash. He needs to destroy your spirit because if you succeeded he knows his act will stand out. Keep reading, keep digging. There's a book called "In Sheep's Clothing" or something like that, it's a good one at explaining how broken narcissists are. There's plenty of stuff on YouTube and you will see yourself in so so many situations... Lose the shyness and keep opening up, even if it's here or in the subreddit or w.e. Everyone will start validating over and over he's a PoS and that no, you are not crazy. They are gonna be like "wtf is wrong with that dude?" or even may start opening up to you in return and you will be surprised this is not uncommon at all, but a lot of guys and girls alike suffer in silence. Soon you will start gaining more and more and more confidence that you are not imagining all this, you are just being gaslighted to insanity...

Like I said once you gather all the resources, support and strength to dump him and yeet him into the stratosphere you will little by little build yourself back and work on what you were really meant to be and do. Toxic people poison you and reaching out or help is the first step to detox.

You are not weak. All the contrary. You've been sustaining yourself AND him all this time, manage to keep the renovations going, a roof under your head, food on your table, under those circumstances. Reaching out is putting your ego aside so you can better your situation. Getting help is a sign of strength and self-care.

You achieved so many things, you will achieve this one too.

 

[Deleted74396]

Hope everyone's well! My house will be FINALLY listed for sale on the 3rd of March. Aiming to be sold by August, but the market around here is hot so it could well be before that.

Focusing on my business and my projects, what I love to do basically. I feel good overall, occasionally days are hard, the constantly gloomy weather in the UK doesn't help.

I'm listening to a lot of new music and finding it really cathartic. I listened to a lot less music in 2019 when I was heavily depressed in comparison to 2017/18 so it's nice to get back into hearing beautiful sounds and lyrics!

 

[Deleted74396]

Quick update after a tough month. Life is really trying me, I can't believe the timing. My online house views went down from 250 to 20-40 now the virus hit... Meanwhile I'm still getting my a$$ beat (and not in the good way), so that's fun. I am considering selling the house at auction but I'm not sure how much I'd get, I'd likely take a 30-40k loss on the cost of the house and what I already spent. Managing to keep the suicidal thoughts away but I just want to get out of this place so bad. I can't believe how unlucky I continue to be. I just want out...

 

[Matt Sun]

Quick update after a tough month. Life is really trying me, I can't believe the timing. My online house views went down from 250 to 20-40 now the virus hit... Meanwhile I'm still getting my a$$ beat (and not in the good way), so that's fun. I am considering selling the house at auction but I'm not sure how much I'd get, I'd likely take a 30-40k loss on the cost of the house and what I already spent. Managing to keep the suicidal thoughts away but I just want to get out of this place so bad. I can't believe how unlucky I continue to be. I just want out...

Isn't patience an option ? This virus WILL pass. Even tought you sold for 30k loss now, there is nowhere to go right now.
You got a nice shelter for this storm, and once it pass you can sell it for a good price i'm sure.

 

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[Deleted74396]

Isn't patience an option ? This virus WILL pass. Even tought you sold for 30k loss now, there is nowhere to go right now.
You got a nice shelter for this storm, and once it pass you can sell it for a good price i'm sure.

I can't stay here and work as my FL business plan requires the capital from this place! The alternative is staying here several years, at least, whilst it recovers again. I *HATE* it here, all of my capital is tied up here. It's horrible to be stuck with £0 income when I have all my money tied up in a property. It's frustrating when I know exactly how to make money, but can't afford to. I can't even rent it as I can't afford to finish the reburishments! It's HELL. A recession is here, so it's not like it's going to go up in value any time soon, virus or not.

 

[Deleted74396]

I have no money, now Prime Minister has us on a lockdown so I can't even sell the house. I'm feeling suicidal, hopeless, and like I can't cope. Ever since I joined in November I've been focused on my plan and things getting better and it's just not happening. My debt is growing and I'm even further away from being able to invest in my business. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel but I can see darkness and it's welcoming, I'm in so much pain and I'm tired of hurting constantly, of constant pushbacks, of things NEVER EVER getting better. I'm just exhausted

 

[rblitz]

Well... for me your choice of words sounds alarming. I don't know your health insurance situation but I would urge you to seek professional help.

This isn't by all means to make your problems even bigger or that you are beyond hope (which I think you're not) but you seem to be in a dark place mental wise and your language forms some kind of strong picture.

 

[Deleted74396]

I'm feeling good and putting positivity out into the world in hopes it'll be returned. If I see someone is sad, I'll try cheer them up. If a friend expresses that they feel alone, I'll just reach out and start a conversation. I'm trying to be grateful for what I have.

At the same time, PayPal are charging me 2.5% interest on the small amount of credit I have with them (they say they're offering a 3 month break because of C0VlD-19 but I've been messaging support back and forth for a few weeks and that's not happening.), and my income only covers 70-80% of costs, so I'm going further into my overdraft each month. Hopefully C0VlD-19 doesn't last the year as I only have enough overdraft available for a few more months.

Obviously, the house sale is on hold, and rather than what it was listed at 2 months ago, it looks like I'm going to get 70-80% of the value. Sure, there will be more buyers, but also EVERYONE who wants to sell is going to be selling at once. I really missed my shot by not listing in December/January when it was a hot buyers market. Instead of a small profit, I'm looking at a loss of at least 15k. So I'm going to end up leaving with LESS money than I had at 18, which feels really shitty after working for so long.

I don't want to die but I can't take the thought of being without money, without credit, and without any support, so I can't stop the images of hanging myself, cutting my veins, or jumping from places I have no chance of surviving from entering my head.

I remember 10 years ago thinking 'all this work will be worth it so when I'm an adult I never have to worry about money'.

It's just disappointing I let my younger self down. I'm convinced I can turn things around if I can sell this property, get my money and invest, like I've wanted to since I first posted on FLF. I just worry property viewings won't be able to take place until next year, in which case, I most certainly won't make it.

Thanks for listening

 

[Deleted74396]

Well... for me your choice of words sounds alarming. I don't know your health insurance situation but I would urge you to seek professional help.

This isn't by all means to make your problems even bigger or that you are beyond hope (which I think you're not) but you seem to be in a dark place mental wise and your language forms some kind of strong picture.

Just saw this. I'm on the wait list for therapy. It's good advice and I'm definitely keen to see a professional, thank you

 

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