Communication - What's the Deal??

[Vigilante]

I used to be like you.

Then I learned that I make more money when I let other people speak.

I learned to listen.

I like money more than I like to talk past people.

Read THICK FACE, BLACK HEART.

 

[pickeringmt]

First, you misinterpreted how I presented myself.

Dude, you don't seem to understand communication at all. You can't approach it with this sense of entitlement.

Nobody owes it to you to understand you - that is exactly what communication IS NOT.

Being a good communicator means putting things to people in the best way for them.

From what I can tell, you are basically saying the equivalent of, "I speak English, and I'm tired of Chinese people not understanding me! Why should I have to speak Chinese?"

The answer is - you don't have to change anything if your goal is to get what you are already getting. If you want different results, it is on YOU to change your actions.

@Arrabista covered this at the meetup better than I ever could

 

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[jon.a]

You don't have a communication problem, you have an attitude problem. Do you really take yourself so seriously?

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

This is an amazing response (besides the jab, LOL). Thank you.

How do I you suggest that I change my mindset from getting frustrated/upset when being interrupted to a calmer or different reaction? This seems like it will be q challenge for me.

We all need a little karate chop to the throat once in a while... keeps us on our toes

We all have these rules that guide us throughout life. How we think life should be/shouldn't be.

I can usually demonstrate this by asking a general question like "are you happy?"

You'll respond yes, no, sometimes, maybe, most of the time -- whatever.

But my question then is "what has to happen for you to be happy?"

You might have a list something along the lines of to be happy I must...

• ...earn $xxxxx
• ...weigh xxxx
• ...accomplish xyz
• ...wear this...

etc. etc.

Obviously if you have a LOT of rules for being happy -- you'll never be happy.

Here's the key distinction: all upsets are caused from a violation of rules.

Obviously if you must(not should) earn $1,000,000 to be happy and you don't earn that much -- you won't be happy.

Simple example but in the real world it's extremely accurate. I have a friend who truly believes it's not a great day unless the weather is perfect. Not too hot (she doesn't like to sweat), not too cold (she hates the cold), not too humid (it messes up her hair), not raining (rain is fine unless it messes up her hair), not snowing (it's a pain to drive in) -- etc. etc. etc.

You can tell pretty easy she doesn't experience great days very often.

Since all upsets are caused by a violation of rules -- our first step is always to have less rules.

Less rules for happiness, less rules for success, less rules for love, less rules for everything. (But don't confuse having less rules for lowering your standards)

To bring it back to communication, you have these rules (which you probably aren't even consciously aware of) about how proper communication should go.

This is why the last sentence I used in the previous reply was "what has to happen for great communication?"

If you're up for it -- write your responses here on this thread because we can all learn a lot.

If I just willy-nilly throw up my rules for great communication in my view (without putting much thought into it) it would look something like this:

To be a GREAT communicator I must...

• Listen more than I talk
• Understand what they are saying
• Ask lots of questions
  
• Look into someone's eyes when appropriate (I have a whole list of rules of whats "appropriate")
• Match their body language
• Match some of their vocabulary
• Match the speed of their speech
• Match the tonality they use

For some things it pays to have a lot of rules (standards for greatness vs. rules for happiness)

My rule for being happy? Wake up. That's it. I think you'll find most of the people on the forum think I'm on some sort of drugs all the time because I'm always happy-go-lucky.

Anyways. How about you answer this question while I go get dinner with a cute girl.

What are your rules for communication? What has to happen for people to understand? What has to happen for respectful communication? (ooo that's a good one for you) What has to happen to get your point across? What has to happen for people to influence you? What has to happen for you to influence others?

Just list out some of your rules and be brutally honest. No judgment zone.

If you list out your rules we can fix this in the matter of 20 minutes -- or at least greatly improve your communication with you business partners, clients, and loved ones.

 

[jon.a]

I'm not sure I know what you mean.

I mean that you present yourself as if you believe that you are the most important person in the room. There are many here that are regularly genuinely, the most important person in the room. It's a position that carries a great responsibility. The most important person in a room has a duty to lead, guide and help others. Not an obligation to be listened to.

 

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[Kung Fu Steve]

I do appreciate your point of view and thanks for responding. I will disagree with you about not caring what the other person has to say. When presented in a polite way, I am happy to slow down. It's only when interrupted or demeaned while speaking that I get upset. Maybe I am wrong for feeling that way, as I am learning in this thread. But to say I don't care isn't a fair or accurate assessment.

If you're honestly looking for advice to improve in this area I might suggest you raise your level of self-awareness.

Looking at a silly little exchange between you and @jon.a told me everything I need to know about your communication skills.

It seems like (I don't know the real truth, I don't know you) your only method of influence when communicating with other people is to use what would influence you (faster paced, high intensity, lots of passion, excitement, and energy) -- which is great... only for people like you.

I'm very similar. I speak too fast, I speak too loud, I have too many thoughts and ideas. But I forced myself to "seek first to understand, then to be understood."

One more thing (and I can say this because I'm the same) is that you do have a very arrogant way of communication. It's not an attack by any means -- just bringing it to the surface.

Simply by saying "When presented in a polite way, I am happy to slow down" it tells me that you have many conditions or rules for how people should treat you. If any of those rules are violated (e.g. being interrupted) you instantly become upset/frustrated/pissed off and of course when said this way we would all get a little defensive.

To take the emotion out of communication, have less rules...

Rules like:

"No one should interrupt me when I speak"
"No one should speak too slowly to me"
"Everyone should understand because they should listen better"
"They should all communicate like I do"

Not everyone has your life experience and you can't fault them for that. Just because everyone else on the planet (besides you) is a rude jerk who interrupts you doesn't mean you should look down on them... even if they are lower beings. (hehehe just a playful jab)

But seriously... self-awareness... that starts with asking about these rules.

What has to happen for great communication?

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

My rules for communication are (no judgement, you promised!)
• good eye contact (both parties)
• ask open ended questions
• no interrupting
• smiling/emitting positive energy
• listen when other person is talking

So, that's my list. It goes both ways. When I get frustrated is if I am talking and am interrupted. Or, the person I'm talking to is looking over my shoulder or around the room and seems they are disinterested. It's that type of stuff that bothers me.

So this is a quick and dirty list. I bet if you had more time to think about it and I kept asking "what else has to happen" you'd uncover some really crazy rules you probably didn't even know you had.

Obviously one of your rules is that "for good communication someone must never interrupt me" ... or maybe that even goes with "for someone to respect me, they must never interrupt me" (which might explain why you become upset when someone does)

Which is *fine* if everyone played by your rules... but no two people ever have the same exact rules.

Someone sitting across the table might think...

"If I don't interrupt this guy, he'll walk all over me."
"If I don't interrupt this guy, I'll never be able to express my objection/concern."
"If I don't interrupt this guy, he won't respect me."
"I really need to pee and if I don't interrupt this guy, he'll never stop talking!"

The first habit to get into to is to stop getting upset and start getting curious.

Many cultures around the world eye contact is seen as disrespectful or rude. Your rules need to change for them. Some people find you intimidating so they may look away or down. Some people are trying to think about what you're saying and they need to look up and away (accessing memories).

So the rule for "good eye contact" may not always be appropriate! Instead of being upset you may start asking "why are they looking away?" Are they nervous? Are the preoccupied? Are they worried? Are they thinking? Are they confused?

If they interrupt -- why are they interrupting? Is it because they are not listening? Am I not engaging them enough? Are they confused about what I said? AM I talking to fast for them to understand? Am I too over the top for the old geezer? Am I too aggressive for the person who is intimidated?

If they are not smiling -- why not? Are they extremely focused on what you're saying? Are the lights in the room too bright and they are bothered by the light? Do they have a headache? Are they actually not liking what you're saying?

What I'm trying to get across is that we all have these rules that seem ridiculous when it comes to examples like this. If you rule is they must always smile -- I have bad news, buddy -- you're going to be upset 99% of the time.

Just like my friend who was only happy at 72 degree and 0 humidity outside with 3 clouds in the sky (no more, no less).

To be happy the majority of the time your rules for success/happiness/whatever cannot be determined by external things. The weather is one, but people is the major one. You can't control other people and they are acting in certain ways most of the time for waaaaaaaaay different reasons than you think they are.

Just think: if you're upset -- you've probably misinterpreted the situation.

It's rare people interrupt you because they are trying to be a dick. It's much more likely they aren't great listeners or maybe they have a burning question they need answered before you move on, or even maybe they don't process information the same way you do and need it slower or with more visuals or whatever.

So who decides your rules? You do, of course!

The first step is uncovering them -- self-awareness.

The second step is starting to eliminate the ones that may not be met for any number of reasons (especially external)

The third step is to get curious instead of furious.

Hope this helps.

P.S. The same reason I hate most school teachers. They have their own rules about how children should learn (or the State's idea of how they should learn)... if they are not auditory learners -- they are stupid. If they can't watch a crappy 2 hour documentary on the mating rituals of dolphins -- they are ADD. If they are a kinesthetic learners they are obviously adHd.

Anyways, I'll get off my high horse now.

 

[SteveO]

We all have these rules that guide us throughout life. How we think life should be/shouldn't be.

!!!!!!!!!

I refer to them as "belief systems". We are all so totally conditioned from childhood about what is right/wrong, good/bad, black/white. It taints our attitude towards life and living, causes confusion and difficulties, and may even stop us from seeing reality.

As a result, we see things as right or wrong without even having enough information to form opinions.

I have been using this tool of examining my belief systems to see how they are coloring my world. It is amazing when you think about it. For example, why do I get angry at other drivers on the road? Is it because the are inconsiderate to me? When I really dissect this, it is because I seem to feel harmed in some way. But I cannot put a finger on why. My perception is that I am being harmed even if it is just my ego.

Whenever I experience an emotion, I try to look at it to understand where this is coming from. Most of the negative emotions that I experience in a day simply boil down to my ego.

This is why I need to work on this!

 

[ZCP]

If someone does not understand you, that is on you, not them. Try a different approach or study 'how' they want to or will hear it.

Same as marketing. If you use the wrong language, or the wrong wording, or the wrong images..... they will not get your message. You won't get the courtesy of a 'slow down, dude'.

Also remember that pushy salesmen often use the loud, fast, in your face, why can't you hear me style of communication. Some people are wired to be guarded against it.

Read some Carnegie and try to incorporate into your pitches.....

A challenge: for one week, speak slower / softer / more patiently. See if communications improve. If they get worse, @jon.a will eat his hat.

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

Oh and one more note for everyone else -- a very good learning opportunity.

Many of us have said something along the lines of: "what makes you so important that people need to adjust to you?"

If you pay close attention to his words and his responses here -- saying this (and similar sayings) didn't build much rapport with him, did it?

We can easily sit back and judge and say "he's a dick, he's this, he's that" because we don't understand -- but the truth is his communication style is just different.

He thinks slow talkers/processors/auditory/visual learners are idiots, you think he's an idiot because he speaks faster/is a kinesthetic learner.

We could consider his personality the "director" type. He gets the job done and doesn't give a damn what you think.

The fact is, if you are in business you are going to deal with this personality type... A LOT -- you'd better learn how to deal with it. Not make him wrong, not judge, understand how to communicate properly with directors.

 

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[Gsuz]

Some great advice in this thread!

I want to add something that improved my conversations a lot and that is: Being comfortable with silence.

I used to go in this kind of rapid fire mode talking constantly with 90% of the conversation led by me, because it couldn't stand the silence and wanted to avoid it like the plague. I asked questions, then filled in the answers myself, because I hated the natural breaks that occur if someone has to think about something or is trying to verbalize his thoughts. I also ended up saying waaay more stuff, things I didn't want to share, than intended simply because I wanted to fill in the void.

Then somehow I realized that there is nothing awkward about silence and that I want to have a conversation that grows, flows and lives, I need to give the other person time and space to breathe, literally and metaphorically.

 

[pickeringmt]

Read THICK FACE, BLACK HEART.

Man this is one of those books that you hear about very little, but everybody should read. Solid gold.

There is a lot of value in this thread, but I personally don't have the "checklist" mentality when it comes to communication.

I don't think in advance, OK:

• make eye contact
• don't interrupt
• say nice things about their shoes
• etc

I think you can wrap the entire thing up into the single goal of focusing entirely on the desires and motivations of the person you are talking to - GENUINELY.

In any situation, a complete focus on the other person makes communication most effective.

Your point will make itself if you give them a channel to make their own. That is all most people really want anyways - to be heard and understood, to feel significant.

 

[pickeringmt]

I am having an internal struggle between wanting to be who I am and not change the way I speak

I wouldn't look at this as changing who you are man - it is more improving on who you are

It is only a matter of repackaging things to be more effective.

Being a better communicator will make you MORE of your authentic self.

 

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[JAJT]

If you want to communicate a message to others then learn to tailor your message for comprehension to your audience.

Otherwise you just want people to sit there and be quiet while you make mouth noises at them.

 

[ZCP]

Read 'How to win friends and influence people' by Carnegie. I was once like you. The book changed my life.

 

[splok]

I have much to learn (in life, business, communication, etc.) and while it seems to some that I have come across as "arrogant," a "jerk," and an "a**hole," I assure you I am not. I have my opinions and I am passionate about certain things, so I can see how on a forum I may be misinterpreted.

You've gotten enough brilliant advice in this thread that it should probably be gold, seriously. It seems like you're taking some of it in too, which is even better! Usually posts like this don't go very well. I started to respond when you first posted, but thought "nah, this is going to be a train-wreck"... so hey, if nothing else, grats on making some progress!

However, I just wanted to say this: Your reality does NOT matter to anyone but you.

If I think you're an a**hole, then guess what? You're an a**hole. Same thing with anyone that you ever talk to.

No one ever misinterprets you. They judge you by comparing their experience with you to whatever mental model they have about how people should behave. If you don't want them to think you're an a**hole, you need to behave in a way that doesn't align with their preconceived a**hole pattern. You will never, ever logic someone out of this perception. You might (if they give you the opportunity after a bad first impression) engage them enough that they start to see other qualities in you that shift you closer to a different pattern though (as you seem to be doing here).

Of course, some people really don't care how people perceive them, and that's fine. It's probably the least stressful way to live. However, it can make some things considerably more difficult.

When I get frustrated is if I am talking and am interrupted. Or, the person I'm talking to is looking over my shoulder or around the room and seems they are disinterested..

Well, I don't like those things either. I doubt anyone does. But would getting frustrated make me a better communicator? No? Then why would I do it? Sure, it may be an instinctive reaction, but with some work, we can change how we react. It may not be easy, but it's infinitely easier than changing someone else.

Just assume that if someone does something frustrating, YOU have directly caused them to do it. Even if it isn't objectively true, you'd be better served by having a beneficial delusion here. There are lots of reasons someone may be interrupting you. Some are almost certainly because of you and some are almost certainly unrelated, but guess which ones you can actually do something about?

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Tagged Notable, willing to upgrade to GOLD if recommended further. @damondietz - kudos for you in sticking around and taking some beats. Very "Fastlane".

 

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[damondietz]

Tagged Notable, willing to upgrade to GOLD if recommended further. @damondietz - kudos for you in sticking around and taking some beats. Very "Fastlane".

It was tough at first because I really didn't expect people to get so heated about such a simple topic but then I realized people are just being passionate like me. I love a good debate and great conversation, especially when people can learn from it. Thanks!!

 

[jon.a]

First, you misinterpreted how I presented myself. Then you proceed to ask if I take myself seriously. Finally, you give me a lecture on great responsibility.

Forgive me for my assumption, but you present yourself as you having a bit of an attitude problem. So, at this time I will thank you for your feedback and move on back toward positivity and far away from this foolishness. Have a great day!

Okay, you win.

 

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[damondietz]

Just a side note, I definitely want to take a minute to thank everyone who gave genuine advice and constructive feedback. I appreciate it.

I have much to learn (in life, business, communication, etc.) and while it seems to some that I have come across as "arrogant," a "jerk," and an "a**hole," I assure you I am not. I have my opinions and I am passionate about certain things, so I can see how on a forum I may be misinterpreted. However, the name calling and mean spiritedness of some replies in this post is uncalled for. I do very much appreciate the positive criticisms and all feedback given. Thank you!!

 

[Sunscreen]

We all need a little karate chop to the throat once in a while... keeps us on our toes

We all have these rules that guide us throughout life. How we think life should be/shouldn't be.

I can usually demonstrate this by asking a general question like "are you happy?"

You'll respond yes, no, sometimes, maybe, most of the time -- whatever.

But my question then is "what has to happen for you to be happy?"

You might have a list something along the lines of to be happy I must...

• ...earn $xxxxx
• ...weigh xxxx
• ...accomplish xyz
• ...wear this...

etc. etc.

Obviously if you have a LOT of rules for being happy -- you'll never be happy.

Here's the key distinction: all upsets are caused from a violation of rules.

Obviously if you must(not should) earn $1,000,000 to be happy and you don't earn that much -- you won't be happy.

Simple example but in the real world it's extremely accurate. I have a friend who truly believes it's not a great day unless the weather is perfect. Not too hot (she doesn't like to sweat), not too cold (she hates the cold), not too humid (it messes up her hair), not raining (rain is fine unless it messes up her hair), not snowing (it's a pain to drive in) -- etc. etc. etc.

You can tell pretty easy she doesn't experience great days very often.

Since all upsets are caused by a violation of rules -- our first step is always to have less rules.

Less rules for happiness, less rules for success, less rules for love, less rules for everything. (But don't confuse having less rules for lowering your standards)

To bring it back to communication, you have these rules (which you probably aren't even consciously aware of) about how proper communication should go.

This is why the last sentence I used in the previous reply was "what has to happen for great communication?"

If you're up for it -- write your responses here on this thread because we can all learn a lot.

If I just willy-nilly throw up my rules for great communication in my view (without putting much thought into it) it would look something like this:

To be a GREAT communicator I must...

• Listen more than I talk
• Understand what they are saying
• Ask lots of questions
  
• Look into someone's eyes when appropriate (I have a whole list of rules of whats "appropriate")
• Match their body language
• Match some of their vocabulary
• Match the speed of their speech
• Match the tonality they use

For some things it pays to have a lot of rules (standards for greatness vs. rules for happiness)

My rule for being happy? Wake up. That's it. I think you'll find most of the people on the forum think I'm on some sort of drugs all the time because I'm always happy-go-lucky.

Anyways. How about you answer this question while I go get dinner with a cute girl.

What are your rules for communication? What has to happen for people to understand? What has to happen for respectful communication? (ooo that's a good one for you) What has to happen to get your point across? What has to happen for people to influence you? What has to happen for you to influence others?

Just list out some of your rules and be brutally honest. No judgment zone.

If you list out your rules we can fix this in the matter of 20 minutes -- or at least greatly improve your communication with you business partners, clients, and loved ones.

Holy shit you are like a prophet or something. Very insightful.

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

Your thoughts?

Calling @Arrabista !!

 

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[jon.a]

This is an amazing response (besides the jab, LOL). Thank you.

How do I you suggest that I change my mindset from getting frustrated/upset when being interrupted to a calmer or different reaction? This seems like it will be q challenge for me.

At the risk of pissing you off again, I would suggest calming down, listening, learning.

 

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[Abdiel]

I had a great English professor in high school 10 years ago that always said; "If you're going to share your knowledge, take the 'I' out of the conversation". When we want to share information, it's our responsibility to actually be communicative to the point of simplifying our 'voice' if necessary. Else we're just showing off and the sharing of information will be meaningless.
In which case we'll either:
A) receive silence in return or
B) receive pointers on what you need to fix

When you concentrate on keeping your voice above the listener you end up failing to actually pass over your ideas. If the other party says you're talking fast then that means you're talking fast. It's not to be taken as an insult, take it as actual pointers and an opportunity to not repeat the same mistake.

 

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[Tyler Ellison]

Read 'How to win friends and influence people' by Carnegie. I was once like you. The book changed my life.

That book also totally changed my life. I was socially handicapped by the basic misunderstanding that I wanted everybody else to change their frequency to match mine to be in sync. This book taught me that everybody else thinks that too, and that if I want to be in sync with somebody and communicate effectively, I need to change my frequency to match theirs in order to get rapport, not obligate them to change theirs.

I became socially tolerable instead of an anti-social d-bag after reading that book. I'd say that's considerable progress.

 

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[SteveO]

@Kung Fu Steve
I had no idea that you housed so much wisdom in that squirrely brain of yours. Behind all your antics is a guru....

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

@Kung Fu Steve
I had no idea that you housed so much wisdom in that squirrely brain of yours. Behind all your antics is a guru....

Bwahaha I think that's what I want on my tombstone now

"Behind all of his antics... he sure was a guru."

Don't worry SteveO, I've learned from the best... antics and... guru-ness... not sure which you taught me but it sure was one of them!!!

 

[Vigilante]

http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/247955

 

[Andy Black]

Some great advice in this thread!

I want to add something that improved my conversations a lot and that is: Being comfortable with silence.

I used to go in this kind of rapid fire mode talking constantly with 90% of the conversation led by me, because it couldn't stand the silence and wanted to avoid it like the plague. I asked questions, then filled in the answers myself, because I hated the natural breaks that occur if someone has to think about something or is trying to verbalize his thoughts. I also ended up saying waaay more stuff, things I didn't want to share, than intended simply because I wanted to fill in the void.

Then somehow I realized that there is nothing awkward about silence and that I want to have a conversation that grows, flows and lives, I need to give the other person time and space to breathe, literally and metaphorically.

Guilty as charged!

I sometimes have to deliberately slow down, breathe, and refocus on the other person.

When I don't, it's a train wreck.

 

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[damondietz]

After seeing the countless recommendations on this forum for this book I finally caved and picked it up. I'm halfway through and I literally have 3 pages worth of notes already. @OP, do yourself a favor and pick this one up. It's going to be up there with TMF on my top 10 list of books.

Way ahead of you bro. Bought it already.

 

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