Be Open To Receive

[Andy Black]

I listened to "Give and Take" by Adam Grant earlier this year. One of my takeaways was that I'm a Giver. Another takeaway was that not everyone is. There's no judgement either way - it just made me realise why some of what I do can get taken up the wrong way.

I've been thinking more about "The Giver Sandwich" as @Kak described it in the chat I had with him. It's where Givers populate the lower rungs of an organisation because they spend their time helping others with their careers - to the detriment of their own career.

According to Adam Grant's research though, the higher rungs in an organisation are also populated by Givers.

So the least successful and the most successful in an organisation are Givers (hence Kyle calling it "The Giver Sandwich").

Adam Grant described strategies he believed the more successful Givers employed so they're not held back by their desire to give more than they receive. I can't remember many of these strategies although one of them was to be aware that some people are Takers and that we need to protect ourselves from being drained by then. Another strategy was that a Giver can avoid burnout by giving even more ... so long as they can see the results (feedback) of their giving.

Anyway, I came across a line recently that I think can really help people (Givers or otherwise) who might not be where they want to be in life or business:

"Be open to receive."

It doesn't mean put yourself out there and "be open to receive" negative feedback or haters. I think that goes with the territory for those who step into the arena.

To me, "Be open to receive" means more than that.

It means, be open to receive thanks, gifts, good will, help, and even money from other people.

It seems odd that some of us might be uncomfortable with receiving. I know if someone thanks me then I try to shrug it off or turn it back to them. That's partly upbringing, but maybe there's more to it than that?

I thought I'd test it this week.

I posted to my Facebook and LinkedIn profiles and gave people the opportunity to say whether they'd give me a little bit of money in exchange for learning from me. It was interesting that I had to overcome some reluctance at "being open to receive".

I got a good response, and I'm glad I forced myself to "Be open to receive".

Maybe you will be too.

 

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[Primeperiwinkle]

Do you think being open to asking for help could be in this category as well? I’ve noticed that most Givers have a difficult time with it, I know I do, but I’m a test case of one. Curious to hear your thoughts.

 

[Andy Black]

Do you think being open to asking for help could be in this category as well? I’ve noticed that most Givers have a difficult time with it, I know I do, but I’m a test case of one. Curious to hear your thoughts.

Definitely. I rarely ask for help. Even when people offer help I turn it round on them and ask how I can help them instead. It's something for me to think about. Being able to receive graciously is actually a way of giving people the pleasure of giving. By not being open to receive I'm not giving them the pleasure of giving. (See how I have to make myself think?)

 

[S.Y.]

Useful perspective.

It makes me think of Aristotle's Golden Mean.

In most things, we should aim for a certain balance. At one end we have taking too much, and the other giving too much. Aiming somewhere in the middle is the way to go.

 

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[WJK]

I listened to "Give and Take" by Adam Grant earlier this year. One of my takeaways was that I'm a Giver. Another takeaway was that not everyone is. There's no judgement either way - it just made me realise why some of what I do can get taken up the wrong way.

I've been thinking more about "The Giver Sandwich" as @Kak described it in the chat I had with him. It's where Givers populate the lower rungs of an organisation because they spend their time helping others with their careers - to the detriment of their own career.

According to Adam Grant's research though, the higher rungs in an organisation are populated by Givers too.

So the least successful and the most successful in an organisation are Givers (hence Kyle calling it "The Giver Sandwich").

Adam Grant described strategies he believed the more successful Givers employed so they're not held back by their desire to give more than they receive. I can't remember many of these strategies although one of them was to be aware that some people are Takers and that we need to protect ourselves from being drained by then. Another strategy was that a Giver can avoid burnout by giving even more ... so long as they can see the results (feedback) of their giving.

Anyway, I came across a line recently that I think can really help people (Givers or otherwise) who might not be where they want to be in life or business:

"Be open to receive."

It doesn't mean put yourself out there and "be open to receive" negative feedback or haters. I think that's something that goes with the territory for those who step into the arena.

To me, "Be open to receive" means more than that.

It means, be open to receive thanks, gifts, good will, help, and even money from other people.

It seems odd that some of us might be uncomfortable with receiving. I know if someone thanks me then I try to shrug it off or turn it back to them. That's partly upbringing, but maybe there's more to it than that?

I thought I'd test it this week.

I posted to my Facebook and LinkedIn profiles and gave people the opportunity to say whether they'd give me a little bit of money in exchange for learning from me. It was interesting that I had to overcome some reluctance at "being open to receive".

I got a good response, and I'm glad I forced myself to "Be open to receive".

Maybe you will be too.

Andy, you're right. We must learn to receive.

I've been thinking about this issue for a long time. I have learned something about giving that gave me a huge pause to ponder. If you give someone who does not feel that they deserve your gift, they will hate you for it. And they will squander that gift through treating it as meaningless. I have seen that happen time after time.

Your point about receiving is part of the remedy to this quirk in human behavior. Life hates a vacuum and it hates imbalance. My way of finding a balance is by learning to be a better receiver. I do a lot of giving in my business dealings since I primarily provide low to moderate income housing. It gives me a lot of power. With a stroke of my pen, I can change people's lives. When I help someone, I try to allow that person to give back in some way. Many times I ask them to do me a favor sometime in the future. Or to pay forward by helping someone else.

It's amazing how I'm repaid. For example:
I have tenants who bring me different types of food -- cooked plates of food, extra groceries, berries, fish, game, and other food they have obtained. (Everyone here knows that I step in at times and take bags of groceries to families here who need them -- and that's what I do with any extra food that comes my way.)
I have tenants who show up with their shovels to clear my sidewalk at my office when it snows.
When we had a fire in my Laundromat, a crew of people showed up and helped us get it ready to reopen. No one would accept payment for their help.
One day I had to do an interior inspection with a difficult tenant. My husband was away on a hunting trip, so I asked a tenant to come and just stand on the porch while I was inside. I got to the unit to do the inspection and there were 4 men standing there, all tenants in other units. They just quietly stood on the porch while I did my inspection. Nothing needed to be said.
This morning a tenant showed up to thank me for helping him over the last 10 years. He's come and gone a couple times during those years. Yes, I have helped him over some rough patches. He asked me to call him if he can do anything for me. I'll find something small that he can do for me so he can keep his dignity.
People are constantly coming in to tell me about helping someone else who needed it.

These kinds of amazing things happen regularly. It helps me to find balance and peace of mind when I deal with the "takers" in the world -- and I must say no to them.

 

[Andy Black]

Andy, you're right. We must learn to receive.

I've been thinking about this issue for a long time. I have learned something about giving that gave me a huge pause to ponder. If you give someone who does not feel that they deserve your gift, they will hate you for it. And they will squander that gift through treating it as meaningless. I have seen that happen time after time.

Your point about receiving is part of the remedy to this quirk in human behavior. Life hates a vacuum and it hates imbalance. My way of finding a balance is by learning to be a better receiver. I do a lot of giving in my business dealings since I primarily provide low to moderate income housing. It gives me a lot of power. With a stroke of my pen, I can change people's lives. When I help someone, I try to allow that person to give back in some way. Many times I ask them to do me a favor sometime in the future. Or to pay forward by helping someone else.

It's amazing how I'm repaid. For example:
I have tenants who bring me different types of food -- cooked plates of food, extra groceries, berries, fish, game, and other food they have obtained. (Everyone here knows that I step in at times and take bags of groceries to families here who need them -- and that's what I do with any extra food that comes my way.)
I have tenants who show up with their shovels to clear my sidewalk at my office when it snows.
When we had a fire in my Laundromat, a crew of people showed up and helped us get it ready to reopen. No one would accept payment for their help.
One day I had to do an interior inspection with a difficult tenant. My husband was away on a hunting trip, so I asked a tenant to come and just stand on the porch while I was inside. I got to the unit to do the inspection and there were 4 men standing there, all tenants in other units. They just quietly stood on the porch while I did my inspection. Nothing needed to be said.
This morning a tenant showed up to thank me for helping him over the last 10 years. He's come and gone a couple times during those years. Yes, I have helped him over some rough patches. He asked me to call him if he can do anything for me. I'll find something small that he can do for me so he can keep his dignity.
People are constantly coming in to tell me about helping someone else who needed it.

These kinds of amazing things happen regularly. It helps me to find balance and peace of mind when I deal with the "takers" in the world -- and I must say no to them.

Oh, I love this. I agree 100%, and I love that you mention the word dignity.

If we gift to someone but don’t allow them to somehow pay us back then we’re making them feel indebted to us. Most people don’t like feeling indebted to others, so many people will turn down help for that reason.

It’s the same with “free”. Since COVID started I’ve offered free calls to help people with their Google Ads accounts in here and on my LinkedIn and Facebook profiles. How many people do you think took me up on that? Yup... a big fat zero.

People don’t like free. They either think they’re going to get sold to somehow, or they’ll be indebted. We have to sell free as hard or if not harder than paid sometimes.

But this week I made a low ticket offer on my Facebook profile and I was flooded with responses. I knew it was suspiciously low priced so I even had to explain that I’d priced it low so I could help more people.

To sell free we have to explain what’s in it for us (such as to build a portfolio) or show people how they can not be in our debt (such as in exchange for a testimonial).

I had a paid 30 minute call with a business coach a few years ago. It went on for 2 hours. At the end I wanted to pay him for his extra time. He graciously declined and explained why (so I could allow him to gift me the extra 90 minutes).

His explanation was super relevant too. He explained that if I paid for the extra 90 minutes then the transaction would be complete. Instead, he’d created an imbalance in the world, one that the world would try to right.

If that sounds too foo-foo then think of all the people I’ve told that story too and helped him pass his message on. If he wanted them then think of all the referrals I’d have sent his way.

Create the imbalance in such a way people can see how they can pay you back or pay it forward. Then people are more likely to transact in the first place.

 

[Andy Black]

In most things, we should aim for a certain balance. At one end we have taking too much, and the other giving too much. Aiming somewhere in the middle is the way to go.

Balance. Good word.

In my view, we only have to do two things to be in business:

Add value.

Get paid.

We have to both give and receive.

 

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[Primeperiwinkle]

you give someone who does not feel that they deserve your gift, they will hate you for it. And they will squander that gift through treating it as meaningless. I have seen that happen time after time.

I agree with this 100% It’s one of the reasons I listen to identity statements people make and why I have been studying the effects of attachment (good healthy relationships that give a child confidence) and reactive attachment disorders (children of abuse have great difficulty trusting anyone).

I still beat myself up over squandering my time, cash (massive amounts that make me want to cry now), and opportunities in the past because of not valuing the gift, the giver, or myself. Sucks.

Thankfully change is possible. Developing solid friendships with other Givers is the best way forward. Being valued and understood, confronted with kindness and just.. seen.. by other people who give and give and give can change somebody’s life. The problem is that most Givers typically pair up with Takers in their business/personal relationships. So you gotta be on the lookout. Then, when you do find Givers they all go around doing everything for themselves anyway cuz they don’t know how to receive help! Lol.

Anyways.. I could geek out about this all day but I’ll sum up by saying everybody is on the road towards more or less selfishness.

 

[S.Y.]

"Be open to receive".

The more I think about it, the more it gives me more to think about.

I never thought about it that much. It never crossed my mind that receiving grateful can be a gift to someone.

It sounds counterintuitive. But when you think about it a bit, it makes total sense.

I'm very bad at receiving. It is just awkward. @WJK mentioned imbalance. For the most part I try to immediately close the imbalance when I receive.

I wonder how many times I have withheld a gift to others by not receiving graciously (man thinking like that is weird).

Thanks @Andy Black.

 

[WJK]

"Be open to receive".

The more I think about it, the more it gives me more to think about.

I never thought about it that much. It never crossed my mind that receiving grateful can be a gift to someone.

It sounds counterintuitive. But when you think about it a bit, it makes total sense.

I'm very bad at receiving. It is just awkward. @WJK mentioned imbalance. For the most part I try to immediately close the imbalance when I receive.

I wonder how many times I have withheld a gift to others by not receiving graciously (man thinking like that is weird).

Thanks @Andy Black.

It's the same with compliments. A simple "Thank you for the compliment" or "Thanks for noticing" is many times sufficient. The words thank you go a long ways...

 

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[Andy Black]

It's the same with compliments. A simple "Thank you for the compliment" or "Thanks for noticing" is many times sufficient. The words thank you go a long ways...

Last week I read a eulogy.

The family emailed me what they'd written at midnight the day before the funeral. I spent a couple of hours making small edits and reading it out loud multiple times, trying to make it flow and making sure I pronounced names and places right.

I can't think of anything harder to read than a eulogy, especially when the family is in the front row looking up at you.

I read it calmly, clearly, with affection, with sadness, and looking at the right people at the right moments.

Afterwards each of them took me aside to thank me.

I'd practiced and practiced the eulogy but I hadn't practiced saying thank you to the family.

My first few attempts were clumsy and unbefitting of the circumstances and how they were feeling. "I didn't do anything. I just read what you wrote." Eugh... that was so poor.

Eventually I settled on "You're welcome. I just wanted to do him proud."

I graciously accepted their thanks and allowed it to be about them and their dad.

 

[WJK]

Last week I read a eulogy.

The family emailed me what they'd written at midnight the day before the funeral. I spent a couple of hours making small edits and reading it out loud multiple times, trying to make it flow and making sure I pronounced names and places right.

I can't think of anything harder to read than a eulogy, especially when the family is in the front row looking up at you.

I read it calmly, clearly, with affection, with sadness, and looking at the right people at the right moments.

Afterwards each of them took me aside to thank me.

I'd practiced and practiced the eulogy but I hadn't practiced saying thank you to the family.

My first few attempts were clumsy and unbefitting of the circumstances and how they were feeling. "I didn't do anything. I just read what you wrote." Eugh... that was so poor.

Eventually I settled on "You're welcome. I just wanted to do him proud."

I graciously accepted their thanks and allowed it to be about them and their dad.

Your eventual answer said it all. The simplest, most pointed, and with the fewest words is the most eloquent. And it also most memorable and meaningful.

 

[sonny_1080]

On another note.

Yesterday, @Andy Black and I chatted it up for a bit. I told him something we hear in TFLF all the time: "I'm working on building [insert latest idea]" - in my case, a website.

In true Andy fashion, he brought me back to why we are all here in the first place: to add value. You can't add value without getting in front of people. He suggested I post something on FB and start engaging the market. I immediately felt afraid of posting the wrong thing or something less than perfect. Andy helped me realize that if I'm helping people, what is there to be afraid of?

At about 7:30 last night, I posted something of a rant (related to the pain point I think my website can solve), and then disabled all my FB notifications. I woke up today to 20 comments and 4 PM's. Most responses were from people who felt the same way and thanked me for saying something. A few tried to offer a solution (not as good as my website idea).

Being open to receive (posting something) got me validation from a small sample of people. After responding to them, the questions came: why aren't more people sharing their experiences? Why isn't this post being shared to more people?

I asked a couple friends offline (being open to receive) to comment and share and they said: a) "I don't want my boss knowing I'm in this conversation" and b) "I don't want the constant notifications from FB."

This information, although I didn't think so at first, validates my website because it solves both a) and b) as well. I've spent about a week researching, planning, sketching, etc. a website without really engaging the market. About half a day of engaging the market gave me more valuable information than a week of planning and sketching.

Thank you Andy.

 

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[sonny_1080]

Create the imbalance in such a way people can see how they can pay you back or pay it forward. Then people are more likely to transact in the first place.

Here, the most important words for me are "in such a way people can see." The main things that hold me back are 1) what people will think, and 2) overthinking. I think both come from my fear of making a mistake that costs me irreparably.

When I see the words "create the imbalance" my mind immediately goes to incentivize people. I'm not sure if that's the right way to go here.

My current project has a little validity so far. I want more people to share their experience about a niche, and then bring more people into the conversation. I've identified what is holding them back from doing so. How do I use this information to create an imbalance in such a way people can see how they can pay it back?

This is where incentivizing comes in. Imbalance cannot be created if there is not an incentive to change something. For example:

Change needed: People having something to refer to so they can make an accurate decision. People having a voice to praise good ones - keeping them in business - and expose bad ones - incentivizing them to be better. Increasing the awareness of available options. Making it easier to navigate.

Imbalance created: A platform (or list for starters) people can use to find recommendable options fast and easy.

Such a way people can see how they can pay it back: Anonymously sharing with each other options and experiences.

 

[Andy Black]

Here, the most important words for me are "in such a way people can see." The main things that hold me back are 1) what people will think, and 2) overthinking. I think both come from my fear of making a mistake that costs me irreparably.

When I see the words "create the imbalance" my mind immediately goes to incentivize people. I'm not sure if that's the right way to go here.

My current project has a little validity so far. I want more people to share their experience about a niche, and then bring more people into the conversation. I've identified what is holding them back from doing so. How do I use this information to create an imbalance in such a way people can see how they can pay it back?

This is where incentivizing comes in. Imbalance cannot be created if there is not an incentive to change something. For example:

Change needed: People having something to refer to so they can make an accurate decision. People having a voice to praise good ones - keeping them in business - and expose bad ones - incentivizing them to be better. Increasing the awareness of available options. Making it easier to navigate.

Imbalance created: A platform (or list for starters) people can use to find recommendable options fast and easy.

Such a way people can see how they can pay it back: Anonymously sharing with each other options and experiences.

It still feels like you’re overthinking/overcomplicating it. Some don’t want to give reviews or ratings in public. Maybe just ask them to PM you with their recommendations?

 

[sonny_1080]

It still feels like you’re overthinking/over complicating it. Some don’t want to give reviews or ratings in public. Maybe just ask them to PM you with their recommendations?

I did. Still only got like 1 first hand review. It's time to create the list. I don't want to hijack the thread. I'll start a new one for this.

 

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