A sculptor's journey towards the Fastlane

[Abrodos]

Hi! Not a very good week overall, actually one of the worst ones.
Not much to say. On Tuesday (my birthday) I spent most of the day replying to bithrday wishes and catching up with some old friends, which was a bit too much for me. On Thursday and Friday I got my longest anxiety attack ever, that lasted 2 days straight, probably related to the friend's birthday party I had to attend (social situation with lots of people I didn't know and old friends that don't really count on me anymore), but also about the job uncertainty, flat issues and the stock purchase.
And on Saturday and Sunday I had that friend's birthday party. It went well although I didn't really enjoy the time, I used to feel grateful and genuinely happy when being with friends, but I don't anymore. Also the 2h trip there was full of depressive thoughts and anxiety as well. I thought I was finally OK and more relaxed after the party, when I arrived home, I showered and had dinner, but this morning just after getting dressed, anxiety just hit me again out of nowhere, without any specific trigger, and it's still there.

So I've just scheduled the first therapy session for Wednesday afternoon to try to do something about it.

On "more or less productive things I did", 23 hours spent between the flat renovation, starting a 3D model for the future Kickstarter, and posting some IG reels.

 

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[Abrodos]

Hi!
28h worked this week. Another very bad one mentally, but at least I'm trying to fix it and doing as much as I can.

I keep on having anxiety attacks since early in the morning (they start after getting dressed, just before beginning work, and last non-stop until I go to sleep).
Monday was especially difficult, even though I tried to go hiking for a couple hours to calm down, also called a friend, it didn't help, so I finally came to my limit and scheduled some sessions with my therapist (hadn't had any since 2018).
Had a couple sessions on Wendesday afternoon and Thursday morning. The sessions went quite well and calmed me down for a bit, I even was able to work on some hobby craft on Thursday afternoon bc the anxiety subsided.
Something that pointed out my therapist is that maybe the root of the problem is not related to work but to social relationships; I've lost most of my friend groups during the pandemic and the year before, right now I just have one friend that I can rely onto for everyday plans, and I find it very difficult to be the one that takes the initiative /makes a plan/suggests meeting with others.
Also there's the fact that I've been very absorbed by the public school job assignment process taking place these days, and that the clients are coming in a couple weeks to see the goat sculpture, which still needs some finishing work that I haven't been able to do. I suppose everything adds up.

My therapist also suggested some sessions with one of her partners who is also a coach. I've been thinking about coaching for quite some months, so that opportunity is good.

But the weekend has been very difficult again. I rejected some plans with friends on Friday afternoon to catch up on work not done during the week (I wanted to finish the 3D models this week once and for all) , and because of that, all three days I've got the same anxiety attacks, lasting all day, plus the overdue work. Today (sunday) it's a bit lighter, it's just the palpitations and a strong headache but I am more or less managing it (edit: was managing it until I wrote the post now I'm at the same place than the other days. F*ck.)

Good things:

Despite all that, I bought and installed the living room lamps for the apartment, I've managed to do an Instagram reel every day (opting for shorter ones that take me about an hour at most to make), and more importantly, to work on the last 3D models I had to finish for my Kickstarter from last year. There were four extra models. 2 are finished and from the remaining two, I've finished sculpting one and I'm now working on the other (which is taking way more time than the others bc it's really 9 small attachments to customize the main model, each of them in 3 "flavours" or factions, so 27 pieces in total, now 8 of the 9 base pieces are finished but the 21 details remain).

It's happening the same as with all the projects from last years (except trophy batches and paintings): I underestimate the amount of work needed in something, don't want to leave anything pending for fear of rejection from my customers or getting bad rep, and that "supposed to be small" detail ends up taking the majority of my energy and time for months.

Anyway.
This next week I want to fully focus on the goat. Also on mantaining the 1 reel a day challenge but really I'm not sure why I'm doing it. It's supposed to increase followers and views but if it could be "interrupted" I'd probably stop for some days.

 

[Abrodos]

Hi! Another Sunday here.

This week has been better than the previous, ahtough the anxiety attacks are still there.

Monday and Tuesday were as bad as last week; I went to therapy on Wednesday. The session went not as good as I hoped, I wanted to solve the immedate problem (to stop the sudden anxiety attacks) but instead the therapist started to go into mystical/family constellation stuff, telling me that anxiety had been put on me by some ancestor/spirit. She said this usually takes several sessions to heal, but I told her I wasn't sure this was what I needed at the moment, as I don't have the time nor the money (regardless of the helpfulness it might have, I can't afford to feel as sick for some more weeks).
I left the session with more anxiety than I entered, so I had enough and I took a couple diazepam pills that day.

This made a big difference: I did the same the following day, and for 2 days I was the same person as before. no irritability, no obsessive thoughts, I was actually able to enjoy the 2 days and really rest, even watched some Star Trek and really enjoyed it. On friday and saturday the anxiety returned, I kept it under control more or less with just one pill (the knot in the chest wouldn't go away but I was able to work more or less), but today has been really bad again (woke up with the worst headache in days, also today I've had 2 diazepams and 3 headache pills and still feel anxious asf.)
Something had to do with my friend suggesting me some social situations (a dinner with some long not seen friends where I wasn't really invited by them but by her, so I felt like I'd be fifth wheeling, also having a long conversation about social skills and taking the initiative got me in a weird/toxic mood).

So, in summary:
Very little work done: 28,5 hours.
Main thing I worked on: a week long sculpture for Instagram, suggested by a follower. Trying to get in touch with the public to see what could add most value to them. First suggestion was Medusa by that follower, then @BellaPippin suggested doing Shenron from Dragon Ball, and the same follower that suggested Medusa has asked for a centaur, so those will be the next pieces.

Here's a pic of it, and the summary video of the process if you're interested in it.

David Abrodos Aragonès on Instagram: "Here's the recap of the Medusa videos! A full week of work along with some better quality studio pics! Like the video if you enjoyed seeing the process!!! #artworld #art #sculpture #sculpturestudio #figurativ

53 likes, 1 comments - davidabrodos on September 11, 2021: "Here's the recap of the Medusa videos! A full week of work along with some better quality studio ..."

www.instagram.com

Apart from that, some more 3D assets have been finished (the first 9 attachments for the last extra are finished, and did some elements (flags, branches) that need to be arranged and I'll have the second pieces done, so 9 will remain).

I went hiking acouple days also, mostly to try to get as tired as possible and calm anxiety; didn't work, and also I've put on 2 kg of weight this week due to lack of my usual self control on meals and anxiety induced hunger.

No work on the flat,
no teaching work at public ed yet either, so still broke,
and no work on the goat, (the clients will come in 7 days).


Hope next week is better. I'll schedule an appointment with my doctor (he's now on holidays) to have my self-medication checked and also to keep track on headache meds.

And I'll probably stop with my therapist and start looking for an anxiety specialized psychologist to help me identify the cause of everything.

 

[Abrodos]

Hi! This week went much better.

The therapy session went much better and was really useful; After several weeks I was finally able to feel grateful for who I am and what I do. It was less about visualizing and more about getting things out of my chest, especially about feelings of envy and unfairness towards friends that were (supposedly) doing much better than me (which was actually a very distorted perspective).

After the session I still have had small anxiety episodes, but they've felt more controllable in the sense that they had a specific cause and I was able to rationalize the causes, and either address them or ignore them and get to work. The weeks before were much stronger, appeared after waking up without any specific trigger and last until night.
Also haven't needed diazepam since that session, so that's very good news.

Things that helped were: Updated my 3D backers about the project and shared my mental state/process, as well as progress on the pieces,

Kept working on postin an Instagram Reel everyday and also started getting ideas from followers,
(here's this week's sculpture, the dragon that @BellaPippin suggested):



Had the meeting today with the Goat clients. They mostly liked it very much, some things need to be solved though (manily the excess weight that makes it very difficult to maneuver) but the other "corrections" are very small things such as painting the teeth more yellow or defining the hooves.

Here's a quick video from the goat being "worn"! You can now see why it weighing 55kg is a problem.
View attachment VID20210919134653.mp4

This week I've also broadened a lot my preferred job area for the high school teaching system, so maybe tomorrow I get called and start working an actual job (no clue how far from home will it be, how many days, or which kind of high school). We'll see!

35 hours of work in total. I'm thinking about getting back to my previous hour-counting method, which also counted how I spent the non-sorking time. For example, 18 hours this week have been paralyzing anxiety so that puts the 35 hours more in perspective, as I have the sensation it has been a very productive week.

See you next week!!

 

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[Abrodos]

Hi! Not much to say this week. Really nothing remarkable happened. Kinda took this week for myself to rest a bit after the pressure and axiety from last weeks.
No anxiety at all, but constant headache most of the days. Guess you can't have everything.

Basically been sculpting a piece for my Instagram the whole week (33 hours), nothing else.

Login • Instagram this is the piece.

The "1 reel a day for 30 days" challenge has finished (I started on 25 aug). Insta kinda shadowbanned me last week with 200 views per reel (I believe it was bc I posted too many stories a couple days) so I went back to my usual reel a day and on Saturday I got 4,5k views. I'll try just posting reels on Wednesday and Saturday (my good days) , with some stories or posts on the middle days, to see what happens.

Also a woman from IG wants to buy a piece, a small sparrow sculpture I did years ago for 100€. That is not much, but I had talked with an art shop for a partnership that I didn't have any fitting piece for, but this has given me the idea to try putting that sparrow on the shop.

And that's it! No work on the 3D models, flat renovation nor goat, and still no teacher job. But I'm doing the IG "challenge" in part to have a collection of sellable pieces. I'm making the next one smaller, more block-like and easier to mass-produce. I might paint it as well.
I also got below 79,8 kg on two days of the week! I'm succeeding at cutting calories these days. More in control of myself.

See you next week!

 

[Abrodos]

Hi! 45 hours of work this week.
Things got a VERY unexpected turn. I'm now deeply submerged in the SLOWLANE!.

I was called last Tuesday, to start as a full-time art teacher in a public high school 30 min away from home. Somebody had to give the school good references of me, because there were many people ahead of me in the selection lists. It will be a permanent job, at least for the whole academic year.

The kids are overall very nice, also the working conditions are very good (8am to 3pm, some days less), I have a classroom fully equipped with materials all for myself, and the salary is one of the highest around (1,900 net a month after taxes).

I'm still adjusting to the idea, also these first weeks there's a lot of after-hours work (I want to make my own syllabus based on what kids like, to also challenge some typical art notions that are being taught by the "official" one).

Not sure about all this. On one hand I need the money, the working conditions are very good, and teaching, especially to middle/high schoolers, is some of the things I like the most, maybe even my "mission" in life (I did it for free for many years), even more if I can "break some rules" and teach stuff my way, which I'm aiming to. Also since I've started, I'm being much more productive with my free time.
In a way, it's been a "gift" that life has given me.
On the other hand, thinking of being "bound" by a slowlane job so far in time (the full year doing the same, maybe even the next years if they're happy with me) is making me feel a bit anxious. And there's also the lack of free time (I tend to overprepare all the classes and complicate myself so I end up working on it until the evening) and the responsibility you have with those kids' education and future, which in a way makes you less independant than just being a sculptor.

Anyway, I suppose I'll figure it out on the way. It's the first time in the slowlane for me in my life, also I'm coming from some very difficult freelance years in the mental sense, so I want to give it a chance.
As an immediate good thing, the first months' salaries will allow me to pay the electrician, plumber, etc, to help renovate the flat more quickly and make it habitable .

So this week I aim to, at least, make some time to work on the side projects (goat, flat, 3D models) so they don't get completely ran over by all the new stuff.

Also a small trophy gig (200€) may or may not arise. I have some leftovers of previous work with this client, so it won't be much work anyway. But it's good to see that events and sports competitions are starting to be scheduled again. Good news for the business.

That's it! See you next week!

 

[Abrodos]

Hi!
Another week, the first fully as a teacher. 64 hours worked from Monday to Sunday in total, all but 3 of them related to the teaching job.
Overall I'm ok, even though I've also spent this 4-day weekend (Mon11 and Tues12 have been holidays) just working, planning all the classes (I teach 4 grades) until christmas. At the moment I have almost no free time. to hang out or pursue any hobby.

I also managed to scrap some hours to finish the sculptures for the 3D Kickstarter backers and updated them about it; they're still not printable though (need some post-processing such as adding supports and drainage holes, which has to be done in a program I'm not used to), but there's some advancement.

I wanted to work on the goat, and on the flat as well; as of today I haven't on neither of them. Not much else to say, really. I'm a bit tired as of now, and a bit irritable, probably due to spending all this "holiday" locked at home. I've also having a lot of headache, almost every afternoon.

But as good news, the trophy commission has been confirmed, and it turns out I already have it half done (I had leftover finished medals and unpainted trophies from a past commission, so I'll only need to sand and paint 3 trophies, no resin casting.)
BTW I reached 78.0 kg last week, and I'm at 79,2 or so right now. I was stuck at 80-81 since July so that's significant for me.
And I just got paid 400€ from a job I did last April for my Town Hall!

That's it for now!

See you next week,
David

 

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[Abrodos]

Hi! I've been some weeks without posting so here I am.

Got my first salary payment last week. About 2200€ (I won't be paying taxes this year due to low income, next year it'll be 1900€/month. The salary is much better than the average in Spain, which is about 1100-1300 a month.
I thought that the payday would give my mood a temporary boost but it's been the opposite. I've felt it like "ok that's what it is and that's what it'll be all year".
Overall the job isn't bad. More or less steady. But I find myself without any will to do anything on my off hours. There's a lot of after-hours work, and when I get home I can hardly do the job stuff (prepare classes and such). I just sit or lay in bed with meaningless distractions such as instagram or some pointless videogame, because I feel unable to do anything else and everything seems as pointless.

On these last weekends I've been getting the same anxiety I had last August before getting the job, today I'm starting to feel the same deep sadness I felt when I was struggling with depression.

I'm also worried about all my investments/business stuff being completely on halt, but, above all, it's a feeling of not being able to hold everything together. At school we have several kids with special needs, and I'm constantly feeling that when I focus on solving one problem I'm neglecting some other, or letting some kid down.

I had agreed with the goat clients to have its weight reduced by November. This last month I wasn't able to do any work on it, so I spent the Halloween holiday at the garage, and I ripped off the resin coating from the inside, which amounts to 5kg of weight. At least it's something. Just sent an update message to them.

Not sure if it makes sense to still write each week. We'll see. I'll try to get rid as soon as possible of the goat stuff, and try to get some kind of order on my free time so that the job stuff doesn't absorb all my personal life.

 

[Abrodos]

Hi! This week didn't start very good but has turned out way better.
I had a huge breakdown on Monday. I kinda exploded with some 7th graders that were being too noisy and yelled too loudly at them. That kinda snapped me to reality about the pressure I was sustaining for all these weeks. I apologized to them later and also talked about it with the headmaster, who was very understanding.
So I decided to dedicate all the after-work hours to myself, no work stuff. Rested (I'd never had naps before), played some pokemon without any sense of guilt, and went shopping a couple days (I had been needing new clothes, shoes and a shaving machine for months).
The classes have been a lot better btw.

Not much else to say! I had dinner with some friends as well on Friday Night. So slowly finding balance between work and life.