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Hi, i`m currently 26, male, korean. I`ve been throught a lot of crisis, but now i finally got crucial control over my life. I`ll write those past at a chronicle view. Hope this could helps anyone who needs it.
(*my routine is at the bottom, you can skip to the bottom, If you`re in busy day.)
Age 0~10
Lower 10~20% ranked familly`s wealth, poor chlidhood, even in poor country [gdp per capatia in 1996~2006 in korea : 12000$~21000$]
15~21
It`s harsh world, I knew. but a powerful enemy inside familly was more than a harsh thing. My mother usually punished me way harder than it`s reason.
example, to prevent any misleadings.
* 'Lie her that school finished late an had a one hour of rest in park'
- 30 strikes in legs with hard woods, witch torned and bleed my leg. Those wonds remains for month.
* 'Answer in not correct way, which i didn`t answered that i like dumplings, and dare speaking my opinion. -
- Were going out for a dinner, so there was no tension at all, but suddenly i became a convict, and got same stirkes i descrived before.
* 'eyes are not polite'
- kicked out of her house, and I had to stay somewhere till she opens the door. Usually 2~4 hours.
Those type of incidents happened at least 4 times a week, so those weren`t speacial events, more like daily bases.
( I guess it`s pretty rough circumstance, and could be called abuse & violence.)
Due to domestic violence & child abuse by mother, my early life became some kind of prison life. She was the guard who I fear, and survivial becomes my usual term. So I cutted out almost every connetion with motherside since they divorsed, it was my age of 15. But, even when i`m freed, those harsh memories are still there, derives agnoy out of nowhere, anywhere, anytime. That PTSD was crucial, and I doubt no human could handle memories like that, includes myself. Under that burned down chest, I`d choose to escape and ignoring, by video games with tones of alcohol and cigarette. All day, everyday. After 10 years of prisoners life, I`d lost my hope, and my will was tear apart. That time was the darkiest in my existence.
21~23
At 21, threat and possibility of being worthless person for my whole life gets bigger enough, so it forced me to face my wounds & problems and try something to fix it, even if it`s a total mess. At that point, going to some local-lifelong educational college and studing psychology was my breackthrough. (college which takes almost everyone in, no test, no nothing, just expenses)
I made that decision by considering my wounded mind from childhood problems. That being said, was most important, urgent problem for me. At that college, I tried my best to conquer my mind with the skills and knowledges of psychology. (Those are pretty powerful, for sure. Even a burned down mind like mine could make a recovery itself within those knowledges & know-how.)
*Part time jobs for bills while studing at college. At least 20 hours of work & 24 hours of class, 30 hours of library study time / per week. I tried hard, but those remained habbits from dark past always dragged my ankle. Slump was a common issue back than. [Out of nowhere playing video game all summer vacation, something like that. 3~5 month hardwork - 2~3 month breakdown was a usual pattern.]
*College expenses were paid by fathers company`s scholarship. He didn`t make enough money in past, but he achieved high-level certificates, and got a job in big company at that time. 2010, after 25 years of suffering of being lower 5~10% poor, he finally became middle class. Even though he was on slow lane, that diffrence was huge. But, nothing more than that, because he got married again, and there was no extra space for me, they were tight on themselves already. I don`t complain, i understand that scholarship is enough good luck for me, in this harsh world.
(After one semester, i got my own scholoar by getting average A in 6 lectures, but anyway.)
23
With those hard working times, I`d partly overcomed my fear and wounds. At that fine moment, I understood that the college is no longer needed. There were no hope in staying, even after mind fixing is done. Even i graduate, goes for masters degree(which I couldn`t, because of expenses.) at the end of the road, 4~60 years of works is only thing i could anticipate, which i don`t wanted. You know, after all these suffering years & fixing mind, which felt like a desperate fight, not a life, there was a simple question in me. Why should i live as a normal citizen? For me, normal life wasn`t even close to a fair deal. It felt like cross the amazon rainforest to got a single candy. Who would take that kind of a deal? Not saying that I deserved more, i`m saying it`s just not worth living for me, die rather, i mean. So I left school that summer, with well fixed mind and heavily armed spirit.
23~24
After that enlighted day in summer, I completely quiet smoking, drinking, and gaming. But that didn`t seems enough to build some great thing. It seems like more dedicational moves were needed, according to consideration of serious purpose of my life. So, i started two things after that day.
First, I started to read books in more serious attitude. Everyday, everynight, anytime when it`s possible, I entered library. I choose to learn because I did knew that i have small knowledge, which is not even certain, or clear.
I started with schopenhauer, confucius, and many other big names in history of every intellectual area. I beileved in power of repetition, and read same great books over and over again, while explore other books. With my attitude of great student, library soon became a great teacher, and I could learned, and fix my blueprint about world.
Second, I started to train my body properly. Have a swimming class in 6am & boxing session in 4pm. one hour or more for each, and always did it with the mind of warrior, at the zone of pain and gasp. To make sure my hardwork, i talked to my boxing coach that I wanna be a WBC champ, so please give me a real training suit for that goal. They actually gave me that hard work, and i always sparred more than 3 times a week, 3rounds one time.
*I were a man standing alone in this world, so I had to pay those bills. 8am~12pm or 6pm~8pm was always filled with part time working. I worked as less as possible to concentrate my energy and time on development. Bakery, restaurant, hotels, etc. I really did squeezed the time out of it, and there were no rest or holidays for me, and I actually didn`t care about resting either.
24~25
My muscles builded stronger, and mind also getting stronger everyday. those speed were too fast that I could feel the change every week. Soon I started to understand more things, and finally overcomed my fear and anger, mostly. Learned how to use english with videos, and was preparing to go perth, austrailia, planned mma training & working in there. but with those covid(terrible misfortune maybe), my life was shaked. Eventually lost nice part time job, and that tiny, concentrated dormitory of mine was no longer a safe place to be(Lot of foriegners were there). Also crossing the border became a dumb-dangerous move. (Now we know it`s nothing more than some cold, but back than, covid treated like cancer, specially in korea. +Omicron is weaker than original in serious symptoms)
In that circumstances, my grand father contected me through my cousin, which is the only one i remained in contect on there side. they offered me to let in, and i accepted it. but, that being said, was nothing more than give-up white flag, and throwned towel middle of ring to me. Rely my destiny on my worst enemy, it only cause me a frustration. Live with the one who beated and tortured me, i soon droped everything.
(she wasn`t even trying to hurt me anymore, guess my strength was pretty scared one, even for that evil. And that was a good choice. Also, she Forgot her own guilt at all. talked like 'you have some youth problems back then'. But, testimony of victim shutted that dumb mouth easily. Old evil cried in guilt when i descrive my suffered experiences infront of her, but, those tears, didn`t give a twich on my eyes.)
*Rationalization loses against specific truth, mostly.
By that miserable situation, once again after that day in the cold stairs (after kicked out), I decided not to live more. eat, drink, gaming, for 8month. gained 20kg (44lb) during this time. it seems like my life is going towards the end fast.
25, after 8 month.
i finally made a decision, it was the ending by my hands. No seats for losers, you know. That day, i`d picked up a sharp kitchen knife, and with strong two handed grip, I aimed it for my heart. It was literally my last second before stabbing. Very soon, at those hard grip of my hands, contemplation of my past permeated in. It`s mostly about my dedications in recent years, and regrets about those not going further & harder. And that regrets holded my arms strongly. 'If I only regret my weaknesses before death, why the hell I should struggle with the trauma, which don`t even came to me in that moment?' I dropped the knife right away, and just like hoffer did under the big trees back than, I accepted the whole terms of life as it is, and understood what`s important and what doesn`t, cleary and surely. That moment, I made a crack on the great shell, bigger than anytime in my life.
* Some said, life of each and every human has its own meaning. But in some forms of life, it`s own meaning could only means agony and disorder. In those cases, you can`t hold on to your dear life without strong idea. In that life, there`s no meaning within to live another day. They have to choose. Find a bigger meaning, or die alone. Fairy tale stories are always sound sweet, but reality is always way harder than those dreams.
25~26
With that decision, i`d moved out of that house, and moved to the quiet city, that no one, no thing bothers me. After that, I started to go to library everyday, and trying to get my shape back in track, as much as possible. last years dark traces were finally removed after fall & winter. Fall`s success rate on task is nearly 50% or less, start of winter, it starting to rise up to 80%, and middle of winter, 95% line becomes solid. During the time, I`d used my small savings to pay bills, but not much cost needed for that type of life.
expenses i spent
cooking by my own makes a fine organic meal under 2$. on house, 30 grand loan deposit basis room only cost 120$ average per month, which including electronic, gas, etc. [3.5% rate per year, max 10 year unredeemed. it`s good one for young adult in korea]
So for me, 300~400$ was whole monthly cost, inculdes 80$ a month gym fee. It was pretty salty, as considering korean average cost of living is around 2000$. and in that calculation, i`m able to hold this life more than 3 years. so i dropped my concernings about future money problem, and goes deep into self- development mode. It may seems like a huge gamble. But after the build I made on that bured down field of mine, I simply knew that I could make it again, and bigger. So it was not a gamble for me, it was realistic, reasonable decision. I sacrificed my fun, cozyness, youngsters whole life things etc, but it`s toleratable as i consider.
26, winter, spring & summer
After that calculation, I learned things every single day in library and gym. Quiet alcohol forever [no beer, no wine, no nothing], quiet games eternally [not forced to, just don`t want those jokes anymore]. After throwing out all that crabs, me as a car, empty trunk and no limitation makes it`s speed faster than i ever possibly imagined.
2021.01~2021.09`s statistics.
I precisely read more than 1000 great books. (at least professor of great univ`s book were selected, no fairy tales, no bullshits included. Not gonna lie, sometimes tasted bestsellers too.) [ including TMF & unsciripted
] 9am-6pm precise reading is perfectly setteled and became my second nature.
I didn`t forgot workouts, and successfully get rid of those fats, able to lose 16kg (35lb) while gaining strong muscles & tones of mitochondrions in cells. Skills of mma developed fast, and earned bule belt in bjj. Now, only remained goal is get to 16~18 hours of intensive training a week, which is professional fighter average amount. now, i`m currently doing 12 hours a week with no problem, so i guess the goal line is not far from here.
Developed my vocal skills by my self with no cost. Now I successfully improved neck extra intensity issue, and starting to understand the beauty in the making of sounds with breath.
**My current daily routine
23pm Sleep
07am Get up
07:30 Eat breakfast (cooked meal, setting requires 30 sec)
08:00 Finish face wash & skin care + makes hair in order, carrying my cold brew(300won per day) & sports wear, leave home.
08:10 Goes to singing practicing room(allowed to use it for free), and do 40 minutes of vocal training on my own.
09:00 Arrives on my seat in library. No put downs of book, untill 18:00, toilet time, meal time won`t disturb my reading.
18:00 Ends my daily library time, go to boxing gym right away
18:10 Starts training. each and every shot, throw them as my best. no videos, no nothing but concentration, finishes before 19 : 30
19:30 Take a shower & skin care at gym shower room, and comeback home.
19:50 Eat same thing ate that morning, which cooked only with organic ingredients.
20:00 Take a rest on bed, use ice pack to calm down my muscles, 30 minutes. Read books while doing it.
20:30 Contemplating my days and weeks to block possible wrong ways & read essay to calm down and activate parasympathetic system. As a usual, I prefer "man`s search for meaning", "one day in the life of ivan denisovich" sort of genre, which I alreay read more than 10 times. Those books really calm my mind down, as i draw a specific imagination.
23:00 get into good sleep
07am get up
*Everydays routine. Days that library won`t open, I double up training session, and goes to opening area(1~2floor) of library (weekends, holidays, etc)
*Cooking cost me an hour and half. I need to do it 2 times a week to serve 14 meals. (all ingrediets gathered by deilevery)
So, basically my concentrated learning time per day is 12 hours. in week terms, it came out as 84 hours. On this numbers, i`m pretty sure that i`m gonna make it soon. Because on this phase, 10000 hour of dedication could be achieved within 120 weeks. 120 weeks means 30 month, and i already came through at least 5000 hours (1500~2000 in last 12 month, 640 in last 2 month), so i guess only remaining term is 1~2 years. My expertise will be something called humanology, under the circumstance that I learn every existing knowledge about humas`s existencial elements.
According to my challenge against existential crisis, now we know that we have no need to lose hope. Even an detroyed exile could stand a chance against this world. Remember my friends, nothing but a discipline can give you a salvation. There`s no easy path /short cut. Psychology, Physiology, Philosophy are the strongest 3 armour for us humans. Gook luck, you and me both.
(*my routine is at the bottom, you can skip to the bottom, If you`re in busy day.)
Age 0~10
Lower 10~20% ranked familly`s wealth, poor chlidhood, even in poor country [gdp per capatia in 1996~2006 in korea : 12000$~21000$]
15~21
It`s harsh world, I knew. but a powerful enemy inside familly was more than a harsh thing. My mother usually punished me way harder than it`s reason.
example, to prevent any misleadings.
* 'Lie her that school finished late an had a one hour of rest in park'
- 30 strikes in legs with hard woods, witch torned and bleed my leg. Those wonds remains for month.
* 'Answer in not correct way, which i didn`t answered that i like dumplings, and dare speaking my opinion. -
- Were going out for a dinner, so there was no tension at all, but suddenly i became a convict, and got same stirkes i descrived before.
* 'eyes are not polite'
- kicked out of her house, and I had to stay somewhere till she opens the door. Usually 2~4 hours.
Those type of incidents happened at least 4 times a week, so those weren`t speacial events, more like daily bases.
( I guess it`s pretty rough circumstance, and could be called abuse & violence.)
Due to domestic violence & child abuse by mother, my early life became some kind of prison life. She was the guard who I fear, and survivial becomes my usual term. So I cutted out almost every connetion with motherside since they divorsed, it was my age of 15. But, even when i`m freed, those harsh memories are still there, derives agnoy out of nowhere, anywhere, anytime. That PTSD was crucial, and I doubt no human could handle memories like that, includes myself. Under that burned down chest, I`d choose to escape and ignoring, by video games with tones of alcohol and cigarette. All day, everyday. After 10 years of prisoners life, I`d lost my hope, and my will was tear apart. That time was the darkiest in my existence.
21~23
At 21, threat and possibility of being worthless person for my whole life gets bigger enough, so it forced me to face my wounds & problems and try something to fix it, even if it`s a total mess. At that point, going to some local-lifelong educational college and studing psychology was my breackthrough. (college which takes almost everyone in, no test, no nothing, just expenses)
I made that decision by considering my wounded mind from childhood problems. That being said, was most important, urgent problem for me. At that college, I tried my best to conquer my mind with the skills and knowledges of psychology. (Those are pretty powerful, for sure. Even a burned down mind like mine could make a recovery itself within those knowledges & know-how.)
*Part time jobs for bills while studing at college. At least 20 hours of work & 24 hours of class, 30 hours of library study time / per week. I tried hard, but those remained habbits from dark past always dragged my ankle. Slump was a common issue back than. [Out of nowhere playing video game all summer vacation, something like that. 3~5 month hardwork - 2~3 month breakdown was a usual pattern.]
*College expenses were paid by fathers company`s scholarship. He didn`t make enough money in past, but he achieved high-level certificates, and got a job in big company at that time. 2010, after 25 years of suffering of being lower 5~10% poor, he finally became middle class. Even though he was on slow lane, that diffrence was huge. But, nothing more than that, because he got married again, and there was no extra space for me, they were tight on themselves already. I don`t complain, i understand that scholarship is enough good luck for me, in this harsh world.
(After one semester, i got my own scholoar by getting average A in 6 lectures, but anyway.)
23
With those hard working times, I`d partly overcomed my fear and wounds. At that fine moment, I understood that the college is no longer needed. There were no hope in staying, even after mind fixing is done. Even i graduate, goes for masters degree(which I couldn`t, because of expenses.) at the end of the road, 4~60 years of works is only thing i could anticipate, which i don`t wanted. You know, after all these suffering years & fixing mind, which felt like a desperate fight, not a life, there was a simple question in me. Why should i live as a normal citizen? For me, normal life wasn`t even close to a fair deal. It felt like cross the amazon rainforest to got a single candy. Who would take that kind of a deal? Not saying that I deserved more, i`m saying it`s just not worth living for me, die rather, i mean. So I left school that summer, with well fixed mind and heavily armed spirit.
23~24
After that enlighted day in summer, I completely quiet smoking, drinking, and gaming. But that didn`t seems enough to build some great thing. It seems like more dedicational moves were needed, according to consideration of serious purpose of my life. So, i started two things after that day.
First, I started to read books in more serious attitude. Everyday, everynight, anytime when it`s possible, I entered library. I choose to learn because I did knew that i have small knowledge, which is not even certain, or clear.
I started with schopenhauer, confucius, and many other big names in history of every intellectual area. I beileved in power of repetition, and read same great books over and over again, while explore other books. With my attitude of great student, library soon became a great teacher, and I could learned, and fix my blueprint about world.
Second, I started to train my body properly. Have a swimming class in 6am & boxing session in 4pm. one hour or more for each, and always did it with the mind of warrior, at the zone of pain and gasp. To make sure my hardwork, i talked to my boxing coach that I wanna be a WBC champ, so please give me a real training suit for that goal. They actually gave me that hard work, and i always sparred more than 3 times a week, 3rounds one time.
*I were a man standing alone in this world, so I had to pay those bills. 8am~12pm or 6pm~8pm was always filled with part time working. I worked as less as possible to concentrate my energy and time on development. Bakery, restaurant, hotels, etc. I really did squeezed the time out of it, and there were no rest or holidays for me, and I actually didn`t care about resting either.
24~25
My muscles builded stronger, and mind also getting stronger everyday. those speed were too fast that I could feel the change every week. Soon I started to understand more things, and finally overcomed my fear and anger, mostly. Learned how to use english with videos, and was preparing to go perth, austrailia, planned mma training & working in there. but with those covid(terrible misfortune maybe), my life was shaked. Eventually lost nice part time job, and that tiny, concentrated dormitory of mine was no longer a safe place to be(Lot of foriegners were there). Also crossing the border became a dumb-dangerous move. (Now we know it`s nothing more than some cold, but back than, covid treated like cancer, specially in korea. +Omicron is weaker than original in serious symptoms)
In that circumstances, my grand father contected me through my cousin, which is the only one i remained in contect on there side. they offered me to let in, and i accepted it. but, that being said, was nothing more than give-up white flag, and throwned towel middle of ring to me. Rely my destiny on my worst enemy, it only cause me a frustration. Live with the one who beated and tortured me, i soon droped everything.
(she wasn`t even trying to hurt me anymore, guess my strength was pretty scared one, even for that evil. And that was a good choice. Also, she Forgot her own guilt at all. talked like 'you have some youth problems back then'. But, testimony of victim shutted that dumb mouth easily. Old evil cried in guilt when i descrive my suffered experiences infront of her, but, those tears, didn`t give a twich on my eyes.)
*Rationalization loses against specific truth, mostly.
By that miserable situation, once again after that day in the cold stairs (after kicked out), I decided not to live more. eat, drink, gaming, for 8month. gained 20kg (44lb) during this time. it seems like my life is going towards the end fast.
25, after 8 month.
i finally made a decision, it was the ending by my hands. No seats for losers, you know. That day, i`d picked up a sharp kitchen knife, and with strong two handed grip, I aimed it for my heart. It was literally my last second before stabbing. Very soon, at those hard grip of my hands, contemplation of my past permeated in. It`s mostly about my dedications in recent years, and regrets about those not going further & harder. And that regrets holded my arms strongly. 'If I only regret my weaknesses before death, why the hell I should struggle with the trauma, which don`t even came to me in that moment?' I dropped the knife right away, and just like hoffer did under the big trees back than, I accepted the whole terms of life as it is, and understood what`s important and what doesn`t, cleary and surely. That moment, I made a crack on the great shell, bigger than anytime in my life.
* Some said, life of each and every human has its own meaning. But in some forms of life, it`s own meaning could only means agony and disorder. In those cases, you can`t hold on to your dear life without strong idea. In that life, there`s no meaning within to live another day. They have to choose. Find a bigger meaning, or die alone. Fairy tale stories are always sound sweet, but reality is always way harder than those dreams.
25~26
With that decision, i`d moved out of that house, and moved to the quiet city, that no one, no thing bothers me. After that, I started to go to library everyday, and trying to get my shape back in track, as much as possible. last years dark traces were finally removed after fall & winter. Fall`s success rate on task is nearly 50% or less, start of winter, it starting to rise up to 80%, and middle of winter, 95% line becomes solid. During the time, I`d used my small savings to pay bills, but not much cost needed for that type of life.
expenses i spent
cooking by my own makes a fine organic meal under 2$. on house, 30 grand loan deposit basis room only cost 120$ average per month, which including electronic, gas, etc. [3.5% rate per year, max 10 year unredeemed. it`s good one for young adult in korea]
So for me, 300~400$ was whole monthly cost, inculdes 80$ a month gym fee. It was pretty salty, as considering korean average cost of living is around 2000$. and in that calculation, i`m able to hold this life more than 3 years. so i dropped my concernings about future money problem, and goes deep into self- development mode. It may seems like a huge gamble. But after the build I made on that bured down field of mine, I simply knew that I could make it again, and bigger. So it was not a gamble for me, it was realistic, reasonable decision. I sacrificed my fun, cozyness, youngsters whole life things etc, but it`s toleratable as i consider.
26, winter, spring & summer
After that calculation, I learned things every single day in library and gym. Quiet alcohol forever [no beer, no wine, no nothing], quiet games eternally [not forced to, just don`t want those jokes anymore]. After throwing out all that crabs, me as a car, empty trunk and no limitation makes it`s speed faster than i ever possibly imagined.
2021.01~2021.09`s statistics.
I precisely read more than 1000 great books. (at least professor of great univ`s book were selected, no fairy tales, no bullshits included. Not gonna lie, sometimes tasted bestsellers too.) [ including TMF & unsciripted
] 9am-6pm precise reading is perfectly setteled and became my second nature.I didn`t forgot workouts, and successfully get rid of those fats, able to lose 16kg (35lb) while gaining strong muscles & tones of mitochondrions in cells. Skills of mma developed fast, and earned bule belt in bjj. Now, only remained goal is get to 16~18 hours of intensive training a week, which is professional fighter average amount. now, i`m currently doing 12 hours a week with no problem, so i guess the goal line is not far from here.
Developed my vocal skills by my self with no cost. Now I successfully improved neck extra intensity issue, and starting to understand the beauty in the making of sounds with breath.
**My current daily routine
23pm Sleep
07am Get up
07:30 Eat breakfast (cooked meal, setting requires 30 sec)
08:00 Finish face wash & skin care + makes hair in order, carrying my cold brew(300won per day) & sports wear, leave home.
08:10 Goes to singing practicing room(allowed to use it for free), and do 40 minutes of vocal training on my own.
09:00 Arrives on my seat in library. No put downs of book, untill 18:00, toilet time, meal time won`t disturb my reading.
18:00 Ends my daily library time, go to boxing gym right away
18:10 Starts training. each and every shot, throw them as my best. no videos, no nothing but concentration, finishes before 19 : 30
19:30 Take a shower & skin care at gym shower room, and comeback home.
19:50 Eat same thing ate that morning, which cooked only with organic ingredients.
20:00 Take a rest on bed, use ice pack to calm down my muscles, 30 minutes. Read books while doing it.
20:30 Contemplating my days and weeks to block possible wrong ways & read essay to calm down and activate parasympathetic system. As a usual, I prefer "man`s search for meaning", "one day in the life of ivan denisovich" sort of genre, which I alreay read more than 10 times. Those books really calm my mind down, as i draw a specific imagination.
23:00 get into good sleep
07am get up
*Everydays routine. Days that library won`t open, I double up training session, and goes to opening area(1~2floor) of library (weekends, holidays, etc)
*Cooking cost me an hour and half. I need to do it 2 times a week to serve 14 meals. (all ingrediets gathered by deilevery)
So, basically my concentrated learning time per day is 12 hours. in week terms, it came out as 84 hours. On this numbers, i`m pretty sure that i`m gonna make it soon. Because on this phase, 10000 hour of dedication could be achieved within 120 weeks. 120 weeks means 30 month, and i already came through at least 5000 hours (1500~2000 in last 12 month, 640 in last 2 month), so i guess only remaining term is 1~2 years. My expertise will be something called humanology, under the circumstance that I learn every existing knowledge about humas`s existencial elements.
According to my challenge against existential crisis, now we know that we have no need to lose hope. Even an detroyed exile could stand a chance against this world. Remember my friends, nothing but a discipline can give you a salvation. There`s no easy path /short cut. Psychology, Physiology, Philosophy are the strongest 3 armour for us humans. Gook luck, you and me both.
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