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How's my copy?

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arfadugus

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Ok here is my copy. Just practicing. I've applied to 6 gigs so far but no luck. Making sure they are YOU focused as well. My strategy is to write a new piece of copy after every chapter i read in copywriting books. Just want opinions.

What Gaming Experts Don’t Want YOU to Find Out!

This one SECRET will up your PC gaming to the next level.

ALL pro PC gamers use a specialized gaming mousepad. Why? They need a laser smooth quality surface to make the most detailed movements. They need a smooth, comfortable surface to play on for hours and hours every day. They need a mousepad that doesn’t slip in the middle of a game winning (or losing) play. They need a wide mouse platform for moving the cursor long distances across the screen. Regular mouse pads don’t even come close to cutting it!

Does the Steel Series Qck gaming mousepad live up to pro gamer standards?

-Smooth surface makes your mouse glide effortlessly.
-Wide platform makes it so you never run out of room. 12x10 inches.
-Rubber base makes the mouse pad steady and slip free.
-Easy to clean.
-Thinner than a regular mouse pad.High quality feel.
-Rolls up for travel.

Do you need to pay big bucks to game like a pro?

NO! Steel Series Qck gaming mousepad is just $9.99 so now ANYONE can game like a pro!

Take your gaming to the next level and order today.

Here’s what users have to say:

By Eric T:
“The mousepad is quite big, and is made of the material you would imagine a mouse pad would
be. Was what I was looking for and makes my setup look more professional.” (5 Stars)

By Parchisi:
“Silky smooth mouse action, I got tired of using my desk surface which was like trying to run my
mouse over sandpaper. Increased my BF1 K/D by at least .13333333…” (5 Stars)

By Juliana R:
“Just nice, good product.” (5 Stars)

By Nahealy:
“High quality. You can easily slide the mouse in your hand around it. Feels like gliding. Would strongly recommend to anybody looking for something that needs decent real estate, like gaming.” (5 Stars)

By Amos Choi:
“Best mouse pad ever.” (5 Stars)

P.s. Seriously, add it to your cart. You’ll thank me later.
 
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Ben Adams

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Mar 7, 2017
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Hey man, I don't know much about copy but just from a consumer's point of view, it looked good. One criticism I noticed though was that it imo it sounds a bit spammy saying stuff like 'the secret that they don't want you to know about'. If you want some practice I could always use someone to look over what i've written for my website that hasn't launched yet if you're interested I can message you the info.
 

arfadugus

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Hey man, I don't know much about copy but just from a consumer's point of view, it looked good. One criticism I noticed though was that it imo it sounds a bit spammy saying stuff like 'the secret that they don't want you to know about'. If you want some practice I could always use someone to look over what i've written for my website that hasn't launched yet if you're interested I can message you the info.
Alright cool. PM me. I never want my copy to look spammy XD
 

GDalf

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Mar 3, 2017
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Hey, hopefully this isn't too late, but just looked over your copy and thought I'd offer some advice. Similar to what was said above, it does sound a little spammy. The reason I think it does is because, at least from my gaming experience, a mousepad isn't going to make you into a gamer pro. Now I know you're not saying that specifically, but your message, at least at the beginning, makes it sound like that by buying this mouse pad, you will play like a pro - which doesn't add up in my mind. You need to be believable.

The other comment I'll make is that your first two lines/headlines do a good job of peaking curiosity, but then you throw all of that built-up curiosity away instantly by saying "ALL pro PC gamers use a specialized gaming mousepad".

Curiosity is one of the most powerful tools you can use to keep people reading, yet you disregard it by telling the reader immediately what your secret is. I would rearrange your copy, perhaps putting that line at the END of that paragraph as an answer to the question, what quick fix you could make to up your gaming potential a TON? Or perhaps to the end of a story, wherein someone was struggling with a certain aspect of gaming until they made this one switch to their gear. Keep your readers curious!

Hope that makes sense, and I hope it didn't sound too critical - just trying to help! You did a good job of outlining it and made it flow well, so great job
 

The-J

Dog Dad
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What expert gamers don't want me to find out... about what? How they got so good? I don't understand.

Overall, I'm not convinced.

Your audience is likely people who are in the market specifically for a mousepad. What makes yours better than the competition?

I almost feel like you're coming across a bit condescending in your copy, like gamers don't know shit about what it takes to be good at a game. Gamers know a mousepad isn't going to actually make em good, they're not dumb. 99% of gamers have no pro aspirations, either.

What do gamers REALLY want in a mousepad? What are they currently getting? What does this mousepad do that others don't? How does that match up with the expectations that gamers have of a mousepad?

If your testimonials are real, my guess is that feel and look are the most important things. If you wanna talk about gaming performance, you're gonna need a real pro gamer to straight up say 'Yes, this mousepad made a difference'.

My $.0148 (adjusted for exchange rate). Your mileage may vary, bla bla bla, I might be wrong. Key is knowing your audience, which I'm not convinced that your copy expresses.
 

mike24601

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Former professional writer here. For kicks I rewrote it to give you an example of my thought process. When you are writing adcopy you want to accomplish as much as you can in as few words as possible. The target market for this mousepad is someone who takes gaming seriously and knows what they're looking for. Techies want to see two things: Stats and reviews, and they're generally adept at processing information quickly. So I condensed everything, removed the late-night infomercial talk and added a little humor.

Roll over the competition with the Steel Series Quick gaming mousepad


To get elite status, you need elite gear:

-Smooth surface makes your mouse glide effortlessly for lightning quick reflexes.
-Wide platform makes it so you never run out of room. 12x10 inches.
-Rubber base makes the mouse pad steady and slip free.
-Easy cleanup (lookin' at you, cheeto fingers).
-High quality, slimline feel.
-Rolls up for travel.

Elite status, elite price: Steel Series Quick is just $9.99.

Here’s what users liked:

By Eric T:
“The mousepad is quite big, and is made of the material you would imagine a mouse pad would
be. Was what I was looking for and makes my setup look more professional.” (5 Stars)

By Parchisi:
“Silky smooth mouse action, I got tired of using my desk surface which was like trying to run my
mouse over sandpaper. Increased my BF1 K/D by at least .13333333…” (5 Stars)

By Juliana R:
“Just nice, good product.” (5 Stars)

By Nahealy:
“High quality. You can easily slide the mouse in your hand around it. Feels like gliding. Would strongly recommend to anybody looking for something that needs decent real estate, like gaming.” (5 Stars)

By Amos Choi:
“Best mouse pad ever.” (5 Stars)

P.s. Seriously, add it to your cart. You’ll thank me later.
 

Rishi

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Apr 24, 2017
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I joined the Fastlane Forum 10 mins ago so hello

I'm actually just starting after some deliberation I am also venturing into copywriting and have't read a book or done a course yet, plus mike seems to have really improved it - however, I consider myself an expert brainstormer and if I give shit ideas I'm sure I'll get called out.

1) There is no PROBLEM. Getting Michelling starred meals in flying first class is more appealing if economy food is so nasty you will get ill and puke....probably on your clothes because economy class toilets tend to feel impact from engine. * Maybe the strain your hands take NOT playing on a good mousemat.

2) Give the testimonials '5 visible stars' coloured in gold or something

3) -Rolls up for travel.

vs.

'De-crease your chances of being a Loser: As a Gaming Globetrotter you don't need creases, tears and stains messing up your game - Steel Series rolls up easy you so can conquer like a champ anywhere!
 

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