CHAPTER V | Future Millionaire’s Journey as a Former Dishwasher

[Hartrun]

CHAPTER V: INDEPENDENCE MONTH/ CONFESSION
"If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under." - Ronald Reagan


WARNING! Long Post Ahead & A Little Bit of Explicit Content As Well (3k Words)
You Have Been Warned…
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July 3rd, 2022, marked the first anniversary of the starting point where I downloaded and began reading Unscripted . I want to firstly show the tribute it deserves for being such a legendary book. Without further ado, let's cut to the chase.

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Part I: Progress Stats​

1. July's Financial Statement
Net Income: $2,117
Assets: $8,003
Cash: $1,995
Expenses: $986
Debt: $3,120
Passive $: $83
Net Worth: $6,878


2. Writing
Value Vouchers: $116
Views: 3,236
Articles Published: 3
Time Invested: 07:46:56

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3. June Vs. July (Inputs & Outputs)
June's Input & Output:
0h of Fastlane = $235
0h Dishwashing = $0
June's Input & Output:
8h of Fastlane = $116
115h of Bussing = $2,001

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Part II: July's Highlights​

The date for my sister's flight has been postponed, probably until the end of summer or the beginning of fall, due to my mom having recent knee surgery and being taken care of by my little sister and my family in my mom's hometown.

In terms of my life, I switched jobs and now work as a busser near times square in Manhattan once again. Conveniently, I was offered this new job after I stopped working nightly shifts as a dishwasher in order to visit my family last spring. Well, I must say, perfect timing.
Therefore, I'm changing the name of this journey to "Future Millionaire's Journey As a Former Dishwasher."

Furthermore, I made a leap of zeroes (3 digits number) but can't talk much about it due to personal reasons until time allows it. I ran a quick worse-case consequence analysis (WCCA); the worst-case scenario is that I might just lose $1k and gain new experience. On the other hand, the best case scenario may be…

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Part III: Setbacks/ Mistakes​

• Panic attack experienced severely for the first time in my life.
• Unrapid readjustment with my new job.

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Part IV: Counterpunches/ Accomplishments​

"Unscripted is the best book I've read in my life so far, and no one can convince me otherwise."
- Hartrun​

1. BELIEF

• 1 Chapter of Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink on Audible
• 26% Completion of Atomic Habits by James Clear on Kindle (1st time reading it)
• 2h of Elevate (June vs. July)

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2. MEANING & PURPOSE

• 75m dedicated to meaning & purpose

3. KINETIC EXECUTION

• 9h of soft execution
• 7h & 46m of hard execution

4. DISCIPLINE

• 600 Push-ups for July

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Part V: Confession​

- On The Brink

After spending the 4th of July alone in my room (so-called celebrating) on Independence Day, this deep emotion inside me was growing without my knowledge. It started after midnight; I was listening to hip-hop at 2 am while completing my daily habits after completing newly fresh articles and the timer tracker for the month up to this point? 5:06:50.

After the blaring fireworks on the streets stopped thundering, suddenly, the music video by Eminem started playing around 2:30 am on my TV. Once fully immersed in the middle of the song, I noticed a tear dropped unconsciously from my eyes, then one tear turned into two, and then 3. Little did I know this was the beginning of a domino effect.

- The First Test

I couldn't believe this! I guess I wasn't as heartless as I previously thought. While being present at the moment, an unexpected flashback occurred in my mind, a sudden memory of a 15-year-old me listening to and watching the same music video "When I'm Gone" with my then 9-year-old little sister while having a conversation with her in 2017. I still remember her sweet words clearly; she told me how this was her favorite song by Eminem in that far-distant memory.

*Apocalyptic Imaginary Thunder Sounds*
When reality hit back in, what seemed to follow was an endless rollercoaster of emotions, full of sorrow, despair, hope, and excitement. It was like I received a kick from a wild horse or elephant without warning and without a leash or mane for me to have dominated it soon enough. I couldn't control it nor contain it; it was already 3:00 am before dawnf, and I lost count of how many times I repeated the same song over and over again.

After approximately 30 painful minutes, I tried to get control of it, grabbed several napkins, and then wiped my face. Just when I thought it was over, I raised my head in front of my accountability mirror and looked at myself. I exclaimed the words OH MY GOSH!… I couldn't believe this! 10X

- The Second Test

But before we continue, a quick break first. All The Times I've left my parents' hometown with my family for more than a year (or potential year), so y'all don't get confused: *To prevent confusion

1st Occasion: June 2019 (3 months after my FTE, I ended up Alone Again)/
Age: 16
Duration in NYC: 18 Months

2nd Occasion: February 2021 (Heartbroken because I was literally Out of Time)
Age: 18
Duration in NYC: 15 Months

3rd Occasion: June 2021 ( Which reminded me of the interlude "A Tale By Quincy")
Duration: Unknown
Age: 19

(Back to the story) Where were we? Oh yeah, that's right.
Another flashback occurred while looking at myself in the mirror, this time even more impactful. It was clear as water; the reflection of my red eyes & damaged self in my accountability mirror demonstrated a similar depiction of the last look my mom gave me while suffocating in tears the second time I left her.
I can't find a better description of my mom's look than what the Weeknd experienced with her own mom. "The worst look anyone could ever have" on her face. "She looked at me like she had failed."
I didn't even take the chance to say goodbye to her because she was also heartbroken to speak as well. The look of my mom and my second runaway date happened on the same day after I got heartbroken by the girl that I used to love before 2022. I wish I would've at least said to my mom that traumatic day…
"Save Your Tears."

It's mind-blowing to me how I personally can relate to some similarities with the power of music. And I just started listening to The Weeknd's music about one year ago, before the aforesaid date I used not to like his songs and albums. With the exception of 2 music videos that I massively love and am obsessed with, but due to personal reasons, I can't name yet, only time will tell when I will reveal the name of these legendary songs.

- The Heartbreaks That Turned Me Into a So-Called Heartless
1st Heartbreak
In a few words, I was loyal, caring, super nice, & was ready to settle down with her in my parent's hometown. But she rejected me… probably because my ex-boss in NYC had already waited two months for my return and was about to let me go, so I was literally Out of Time and needed to pressure her to give me a quick answer. (Or maybe because of my dismissive avoidant attachment developed after my family left NYC for my parents' hometown in February 2011 to start a small business and give my siblings and me a better life, which I'm eternally thankful for.)

That was the ultimate stab in the back. Hence, breaking my heart in February 2021. Just two months later, in April 2021, I eradicated all communication and contact forever, including all texts before then.
But in June 2022, I heard she was in a new relationship…
It still doesn't change a thing; I have and will always forever consider her as a stranger, with no romantic feelings for her whatsoever. I honestly don't care if she gets to have children or get married to her new boyfriend. It was her loss anyways.
Nonetheless, I still highly believe in true love, where I love a true female not by what she owns but for how she is internally and vice-versa.
It's just hard to find this true love nowadays (based on my experience).

I'm not going to lie; the heartbreak received from this 21-year-old girl or woman that has always lived in my parent's hometown really made me lose hope in life but not in myself.
Therefore, I left my family & pets in February of 2021 without dropping a single tear on the same day she said no to me, pretty much the opposite.
I was happy inside that I was returning back to the Blinding Lights of NYC; dear me, was I in for some real karma.

Nevertheless, I'm fortunate with life that I got the chance to experience real self-destruction and accidentally got an ankle sprain at work that caused an ambulance to take me to the hospital on the 24th of May 2021, which also caused me to lose my job that already started to dislike. This slowly enabled me to refind myself in the months afterward when I wasn't able to work or walk properly for several months.
Resulting in me taking action and hitting the road in overdrive in August 2021 (The events mentioned in this section happened before the start of 2022. AKA Looking Back at the Past.)

2nd Heartbreak
I won't get too deep with this one because I didn't share as many memories with her, but this happened when I went to high school in Financial District, Manhattan, in February 2020. This girl and I used to go to the same English classroom; basically, I had a crush on her and mustered the courage to tell her on Valentine's week of 2020.

But, due to my coldness, she wasn't interested, and without enough time to convince her, lockdowns happened, and she got a boyfriend a few months later.
As a consequence, this led me to drop out of high school because I wasn't emotionally strong enough to handle my insecurities back then. All I did instead was drink and listen to "Won't Go Home Without You." By Maroon 5 non-stop and fall asleep after midnight, hoping I could get her back, eventually giving up on her forever.

- Back to The Present?

Anyways, back to the present, for the first time in my life, this flashback about my mom singlehandedly showed me compassion towards my mother, something I've never felt in my life before. Now, I finally & deeply comprehended the feelings she felt during my second departure. The emotion of feeling like a complete failure when it came to raising me as a son in her hometown (but not in NYC).

The emotion my parents felt that day now came back right at me without mercy. I felt like a complete failure being an older brother, being so heartless towards my little sister, and not being present to see her grow and provide her with the emotional support she needed.
Unlike my parents, I chose a lifestyle of a sinner filled with filthy & selfish hedonism (which I'm not proud of), wasting my precious time on gambling, simping, websites of lust, addiction (social media), and drinks in NYC. I worked as a barback/ busser/ food runner during that time. Therefore I couldn't resist the temptations of the toxicity on my days off before the summer of 2021…

Heck!
I'll say it.
Even though I feel ashamed to share it because nobody in my personal life knows about this except me...
One lonely night in the spring of 2021, I was so drunk that I almost stumbled onto the NYC subway tracks on my way home at 2 am. I regained my consciousness back at late sunrise (9 am) after waking up on a subway bench and thankfully made it home safely. Since then, I have learned my lesson and now know how to use consequential thought more properly, thanks to Unscripted .

The beginning of this dangerous After Hours lifestyle started after my first departure in mid-2019, eventually slowing down during my ankle sprain injury, and to be honest, I actually feel grateful this accident happened because I gradually became less nihilistic about life overall afterward.
Finally, ending that after-hours behavior in my life at the start of 2022 when I got a job as a dishwasher in Manhattan. Coincidentally, in the same month, I joined the Fastlane Forum (January 2022).

Anyhow, my little sister didn't deserve to see any of what my parents and I went through in their hometown. This was the first time I felt a crazy intense panic attack in my life that almost caused me to have an emotional breakdown on the spot. The last time I felt something similar but less severe was in February of 2021, in my parent's hometown, of course; the only difference was that back then, my family used to own a black cat which helped me somewhat cope with the feeling of loss. Why?

Because that current missing cat reminds me of my favorite and most loyal friend of my lifetime, a 6-year-old black-tanned Doberman; that showed me a bit of sense of what being a dad could mean for me in the future during those six years of companionship, hopefully, that makes sense. I considered him my only good & best friend at the time as well (perhaps the only true friend I've ever had), but he died after my first runaway to NYC in 2019.
What kills me every time is that I never got the chance to say goodbye to him because I was feeling cocky that I would see him again the next time I returned. My goodness, was I completely wrong and delusional.

- The Damage Uprising

Consequently, I classify this recent panic attack as definitely, without a doubt, the most brutal emotion I have felt in my life so far, mainly because I had to face it alone at 3 am; it took me a whole day to recover from the severe chest pain and breathlessness, something I've never experienced before as well.

To wrap this section of the story, I was somewhat expecting to see more Karma in return for what I did to my family. I was thinking perhaps decades from now when I get to have a family of my own if God allows it. However, the rapid timing of life decided to really catch me off guard for whatever reason.

Especially because I respectfully respond to my parents multiple times that I have no plans of having kids or babies whenever they ask me, "Why don't you have children or get married" Well, because I'm too young to have babies or get married, or perhaps because I'm too afraid to have them.
Even though I know for a fact how much my parents desire to have grandkids because they don't have any. Sorry not sorry, I guess.

- The Counterpunch/ Recovery

For the first time in a very long time, I began to doubt myself; what if? In reality, what I was looking for in life, wasn't liberty but a caring family of my own? These questions hit me painfully hard, like a sniper shot crossing right through my heart at lightning speed; maybe because I was dealing with all of this alone in the darkest time of the night at 3:30 am in my room by myself, I didn't know for sure.

Accidentally, I then closed & pressured my legs so toughly for an extended period due to the emotional pain I was feeling. As a consequence, I didn't realize it at the moment, but this unconscious action caused my nuts to hurt as f*ck. Not only was I feeling emotional pain, but now I had to deal with physical pain that lasted for several hours. F*cking shit, I said; this pain in my balls was like the icing on the cake. What a great combination, lol.

Oh, for heaven's sake! I thought. I was reminded how having a family, marriage, and children isn't an alternative in my mind right now because I have dreams & plans to accomplish; therefore, I have no time for any of the former.

Afterward, I accepted to love the beautiful pain I was experiencing in the moment of doubt while literally laughing out loud. I repeated a previous line several times in my accountability mirror until I weakened the emotional pain, at least temporarily.

After the turmoil was quite over, I then started to look at the things I was grateful for and might've taken for granted. Therefore, I repeated aloud countless times how I was grateful for my gallon of water, my jar of red jelly beans, my country, the roof on top of me, the singing of the birds after dawn, the orange sky at sunrise, and most importantly, keeping my trust, heart, and soul in God at all times.

The last nail of the coffin of this remorse experienced towards my little sister was making a promise. In addition, a YT recommendation of a music video that I've listened to so many times throughout my adolescence appeared randomly on the screen. Without a doubt, I started listening to it and felt 10x better. The music video is by G-Eazy ft. Bebe Rexha, in case y'all are curious to know about it.

NOTE: The above or any previous stories about my relationships and family is just the tip of the iceberg, mostly recapping my soon-to-end adolescence, but not puberty or childhood. Otherwise, this monthly update could be as long as a book.
And, Special thanks to the Fastlane Forum for allowing me to express my relief, mainly because I haven't gone to any support groups for several years now. Hopefully, I didn't annoy y'all with my I's, but I really felt I needed to get all of this out of my chest and conquer my fear of being vulnerable. Thanks again!

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Part VI: The Future​

Because I returned back to NYC a month now, I knew and presaged days before I went to visit my family that I was going to bring what is considered the opposite of nostalgia from my past environment with me here in NYC, trauma perhaps? Who knows? I'm not a psychologist, nor do I pretend to be one.

Thankfully, I haven't given up on my dreams & goals in life, as you can clearly see. Hence, what I do know for certain is that hope is now no longer necessary for me anymore. Now it's time to take manners into my own hands once again.

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*Disclaimer:
All these songs aren't dedicated to anyone but myself only, with the exception of When I'm Gone by Eminem for my little sister.

*Disclaimer:
Please don't follow in my footsteps and share your deep personal stuff online without giving it a considerable amount of thought first. Unless you want to and greatly trust whoever you would share it with.

*Disclaimer:
This content is for entertainment/ informational/ personal purposes only. It was not created to be a substitute for professional guidance. Consider consulting with a professional or a specialist. Take what you think works for you, and discard what doesn't.

In addition, I only do or say what I think will work or currently works for me or where I personally lack; the monthly updates are primarily based on how I choose to respond to whatever this game called life decides to throw at me personally (actual real-life events). What I do obviously doesn't apply to everybody.

I might've or may give advice by accident or request only, or until I become a Legendary Contributor, this is the reason why I'm currently only active a couple of days here every month. Thanks in advance!

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CONTENTS​

PART 1 (THE PAWN) | THE DESERT OF DESERTION (TUNEF)
CHAPTER I: INTRODUCTION (March 2022)
ROUND 1
CHAPTER II: IT’S ALIVE!!! (April 2022)
CHAPTER III: HOPE (May 2022)
CHAPTER IV: 4 LIBERTY (June 2022)
ROUND 2
CHAPTER V: INDEPENDENCE MONTH/ CONFESSION (July 2022)

 

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