What was MJ DeMarco's Relationship Rule?

[MJ DeMarco]

It is the 1 Hour, 2 Days, 3 Year Rule.

1 hour to discuss core values like religion, politics, kids, financial priorities, fitness and health priorities, and other things that cause huge relationship divergences. Most relationships fail under the burden of mismatched values.

• She wants to save and go Fastlane, you want to spend and be a Sidewalker.
• She wants to be Christian, you want to be an atheist.
• She wants to be hot conservative woman, you want to be a pink-haired milquetoast socialist.
• She wants to hit the gym 4X a week and eats plant based, you want to sit on the couch and eat cheese all day.
• She wants 3 kids, you want 3 rolls on your chin.
• She has "can do" growth mindset, you blame everyone with a fixed mindset.

Can that relationship survive with these divergences? No.

2 days in the most hellish conditions to see each other at your worst.

3 years to date each other to understand how you grow together if at all.

Follow these three guidelines and you likely will save yourself from a marriage that ends badly.

 

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[ZackerySprague]

I was reading the great rat race escape a few days ago, and MJ was talking about some rule like 3/5/10 or something like spend 3 minutes thinking about them etc.. I was just wondering for future me. Thank you guys

Here are the rules:

Rule of One: A date to which you and your "Future Partner." speak about aligned values, these values are to help identify if the person you are dating or having been dating would be best fit/

Rule of Two: Spend two days with your partner in the most horrible conditions and see how well you two vibe or handle conflict with each other.

Rule of Three: Spend three years with your partner before placing a ring on it. Does your partner change or deviate from the values from when you have discussed the sensitive topics such as Religion, Entrepreneurship, kids, politics, etc.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Atheist/Christian thing not valid. I'm the living proof.
I wouldn't take marriage advice from enterpreneurs, investing advice from taxi driver, fitness advice from physics profesor no matter how good he is with physics.

Quite possibly the worst analogy I've ever read, absolutely irrelevant and an apple/giraffe comparison.

I also wouldn't take marriage/relationship advice from someone who has an insect as their avatar and marries outside of their religion, which is about as valid as a conclusion as yours.

Not everyone is a taxi driver or a professor of physics, but everyone is human. In other words, everyone is capable of marriage/relationship experiences, including me (and you), regardless of my tertiary identification as an entrepreneur.

BTW, I've never been divorced, have an incredible spouse, and have dodged countless relationship bullets because of this decision framework. That qualifies me to give advice in this area regardless of your opinion.

But what do I know.

I'm just an inhuman entrepreneur incapable of sharing my 35 years of relationship wisdom while trying to save someone from the worst decision of their life.

But thanks for marginalizing my success in this area just like every other hater; like my entrepreneurial success, I've been graced with phenomenal, lottery-like luck, not the ability to make rational decisions in the heat of fiery emotions. (SARC)

 

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[DreamLund]

2 days in the most hellish conditions to see each other at your worst.

Could you define what 2 days of hellish conditions means?

I guess building ikea furniture together doesn’t count

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Could you define what 2 days of hellish conditions means?

Being stuck in an airport for 2 days due to weather.
Doing a fix-n-flip remodel that isn't going well.
Being stuck in another country and you're in a motel because the hotel botched your reservation.
Painting a room that takes 12 hours.

ikea furniture definitely would count

That's a start!

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

My stomach turns whenever I see young people who just met running off to get married... oh we met 7 weeks ago and are getting married in the summer. Wow, are you that stupid?

WTF is the rush?

If the relationship rocks, it will also rock in 2-3 years.

Freaking wait. Discover each other. Grow together.

And stop bringing an emotionally immature, child-like mentality to adult choices— it won't end well.

 

[Johnny boy]

It's crazy to think my future eastern European model wife is still in grade school right now.

 

[Johnny boy]

Are you going to be static and never change once you are 'there'? Is there actually an end point?

What if you chose someone who could grow with you?

What I mean is marriage, to me, is a process not an event. The couple a few years in are not the same people as they were at the alter anyway. So what if you select for a growth mindset and compatible morals and go on life's growth journey together?

Ah, someone who will grow with me, at the same rate, gotcha...

Okay just gotta find someone who's a F*cking psycho then.

LMAO

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

I have to get where I’m going first.

This is a solid philosophy and the path I took as well. I wanted to morph into my minimal best vision (MBV lol) of myself before seeking a permanent partner.

Also, my parents divorced and I felt the breaking point was my father succeeded during the marriage, and the marriage represented his "old unsuccessful self" and he didn't grow together with my mother -- he wanted out.

However, even AFTER that achievement of MBV, your partner STILL needs to grow with you, otherwise that too, will be short lived.

Neither myself or my wife are the same people from 10 years ago. Find someone who can talk business with you, watch Star Trek with you, and do leg-presses with you.

 

[Johnny boy]

• She wants to save and go Fastlane, you want to spend and be a Sidewalker.
• She wants to be Christian, you want to be an atheist.
• She wants to be hot conservative woman, you want to be a pink-haired milquetoast socialist.
• She wants to hit the gym 4X a week and eats plant based, you want to sit on the couch and eat cheese all day.
• She wants 3 kids, you want 3 rolls on your chin.
• She has "can do" growth mindset, you blame everyone with a fixed mindset.

If anyone is in this situation please let me know so I can come steal your girl, marry her, and you can go be a loser.

 

[Muhammad Ibrahim]

Could you define what 2 days of hellish conditions means?

I guess building ikea furniture together doesn’t count

ikea furniture definitely would count

 

[ZF Lee]

Being stuck in an airport for 2 days due to weather.
Doing a fix-n-flip remodel that isn't going well.
Being stuck in another country and you're in a motel because the hotel botched your reservation.
Painting a room that takes 12 hours.

I'll just add one more:

Meeting with the parents. Parents from BOTH sides.

I know there's a lot of general hate for the in-laws-to-be, but I believe getting to know them better goes a long way.
If the parents are elderly, and you can work together to take them on trips, or eat-outs, that's great.

I also don't deny the in-laws-to-be might know a lot more about your potential partner, since they raised them
from birth. So it would be good to listen to another potential source of wisdom.

Yet with the fractured family structure these days...of course these steps ain't gonna be smooth.

But if you are still gonna deal with the parents after marriage...why not start early?

 

[Johnny boy]

I cannot get married soon though.

The wife I could’ve gotten when I was 20, I would be a hundred miles ahead of right now. I’d hate her now.

The wife I could’ve gotten at 25, I would be miles ahead of right now. I’d hate her now too.

The wife I can get right now, will not be hanging with me in any capacity in a few years. I’d hate her in the future.

I have to get where I’m going first.

I’m not going to be some dating philanthropist and pull some npc out of the gutter to be my partner just because she ‘loves me’.

 

[ZackerySprague]

I love MJs brutal honesty and replies. Just makes me laugh. I'm sorry for the low value post guys. I know I'm hurting my power ratio score.

 

[Choate]

I’m not going to be some dating philanthropist and pull some npc out of the gutter to be my partner just because she ‘loves me’.

Brutal... Absolutely savage. But generally agreed.

Mindset is most important. I have dated and lived with previous partners who were also high earners - like surgeons making $300k. Money is there, but if the mindset isn't, it just leads to more problems. Money exacerbates the mindset differences and compounds problems. The slowlane is more potent the more you make. More vacations, more trips, higher standard of living... Like Kobe said, who needs vacation?

For me personally, I've found value in adopting "grit" as a core trait and that is going to have significant weight in future dating endeavors.

The 1/2/3 rule sounds great but even then it's only a starting point. Two days of hellish conditions only offers a glimpse... That could really be two months.

 

[Jrjohnny]

It is the 1 Hour, 2 Days, 3 Year Rule.

1 hour to discuss core values like religion, politics, kids, financial priorities, fitness and health priorities, and other things that cause huge relationship divergences. Most relationships fail under the burden of mismatched values.

• She wants to save and go Fastlane, you want to spend and be a Sidewalker.
• She wants to be Christian, you want to be an atheist.
• She wants to be hot conservative woman, you want to be a pink-haired milquetoast socialist.
• She wants to hit the gym 4X a week and eats plant based, you want to sit on the couch and eat cheese all day.
• She wants 3 kids, you want 3 rolls on your chin.
• She has "can do" growth mindset, you blame everyone with a fixed mindset.

Can that relationship survive with these divergences? No.

2 days in the most hellish conditions to see each other at your worst.

3 years to date each other to understand how you grow together if at all.

Follow these three guidelines and you likely will save yourself from a marriage that ends badly.

I’ll keep this in mind until I start looking for a long term relationship. And I’m about to start my own business by next week because of you, You’ve changed my perspective of life, which is hard to do. Thank you MJ

 

[Wombat]

I have to get where I’m going first.

Are you going to be static and never change once you are 'there'? Is there actually an end point?

What if you chose someone who could grow with you?

What I mean is marriage, to me, is a process not an event. The couple a few years in are not the same people as they were at the alter anyway. So what if you select for a growth mindset and compatible morals and go on life's growth journey together?

 

[Kevin88660]

Atheist/Christian thing not valid. I'm the living proof.
I wouldn't take marriage advice from enterpreneurs, investing advice from taxi driver, fitness advice from physics profesor no matter how good he is with physics.

One thing about experienced business people is that they know how not to be suckers. It applies outside the realm of businesses as well.

After years of burning money in advertising, and servicing most horrendous customers, managing people below you, they smell potential values and liabilities from other humans in seconds.

 

[Jrjohnny]

I was reading the great rat race escape a few days ago, and MJ was talking about some rule like 3/5/10 or something like spend 3 minutes thinking about them etc.. I was just wondering for future me. Thank you guys

 

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[Jrjohnny]

Here are the rules:

Rule of One: A date to which you and your "Future Partner." speak about aligned values, these values are to help identify if the person you are dating or having been dating would be best fit/

Rule of Two: Spend two days with your partner in the most horrible conditions and see how well you two vibe or handle conflict with each other.

Rule of Three: Spend three years with your partner before placing a ring on it. Does your partner change or deviate from the values from when you have discussed the sensitive topics such as Religion, Entrepreneurship, kids, politics, etc.

Ok thank you man

 

[Eurojanek]

Atheist/Christian thing not valid. I'm the living proof.
I wouldn't take marriage advice from enterpreneurs, investing advice from taxi driver, fitness advice from physics profesor no matter how good he is with physics.

 

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[ZackerySprague]

Could be worth checking out, I found it a bit useful.

View: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFnqPatq8R4&t=591s

 

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[Kevin88660]

Are you going to be static and never change once you are 'there'? Is there actually an end point?

What if you chose someone who could grow with you?

What I mean is marriage, to me, is a process not an event. The couple a few years in are not the same people as they were at the alter anyway. So what if you select for a growth mindset and compatible morals and go on life's growth journey together?

I personally believe in getting one’s own life in place first.

But alternatively I have seen the “growing together to explore life” kind of thinking worked among my parents and grandparents’ generations. Not always but it can work. When people were poor, they didn’t have internet, there wasn’t cut throat comparison on things.

My dad impressed my mom because he had good handwriting and can write love poems. No way this works in 21th century among millennials and Gen Z. Making a match today is more like corporate HR practice where individuals cashing out their credentials in a market place.

It really depends on if you are an idealist or cynic. We are all somewhere in between.

There are too much temptation, distraction and comparison today that can crush relationships easily.

We live in a world where we want things fast and nice. We are no longer patient with one another.

 

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[ZackerySprague]

Ok thank you man

Your welcome man .

 

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[DonyaSze]

This is valuable as FRICK. I like being by myself, but I keep daydreaming on getting a hot dude. I'll refer to this if I ever do run into someone and actually like... talk to them... beyond 'hello'. So I shall comment on it to find it again.

 

[MattR82]

3 years definitely seems to be the time that things change. At least for me. If you can change together, all good, but if not...