What do you guys think of my copywriting ad?

[ManlyMansNegator]

This is basically a blog to my website which sells people counters

How Retailers lose out on BILLIONS!

A dazed customer stumbles into your store, looking around for a red bull to fuel his late night shifts. He grabs the drink and tries to get your attention. However, your overwhelmed with customers all asking about your products.

As the questions flow forth you catch your store buzzer ring .The peculiar customer has left , he has no time to wait for your attention. Instead he scurries off to the deli next door.

Does this sound familiar?

Scientific Studies have shown that 68% of new customers(along with their wallets) leave due to bad treatment. And who could blame them! Would you want to stand in line or search around just to get your hands on a drink or a damn chocolate bar?

Retailers potentially lose out on BILLIONS simply due to this one key overlook…..


every customer counts!


Every customer has connections to other customers, which have connections to others! Hurt one of them and its like a domino effect! Luckily the reverse is true as well.


So how can you cater to all your customers?


Well this is what worked for my retail store.The key is to..


Invest In your business!


But lets be honest, investing willy nilly all over the place is a useless tactic and a sure fire way to end up broke!The best way to find out how many people are unsatisfied is to count them!

Yes, Its that easy!

Installing People Counting technologies allowed me to get back 30% of customers. I spent 0$ on advertising yet got a 30% uptick in customers!! I began optimizing my staff placements which had a wonderful effect on efficiency. I even began creating discounts when more people left my store(that made them come running back ) .The truth is there are endless ways to optimize when you have this golden piece of information.

The good news is that this technology is a baby in the marketplace .People counting specialists are offering discounts left and right to get a large market share FAST. This is a perfect time for you to get some for yourself in fact here is a promo code I use (expires soon) :

[PROMO CODE]

Just go on [website] and send it through , you get a limited 25% discount on all devices!


Remember Knowledge is power, the more data you have from your store the more effective your advertising and ,generally, your business is.

 

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[RazorCut]

Sorry but it just doesn't flow for me. It doesn't take me on a journey and make me care.

I've had bricks and mortar businesses and I've never been "overwhelmed with customers all asking about your products."

I've had queues of people waiting to pay for products and in another business I've had queues of people waiting to place an order for food at peak times.

It did however make me think "how does the buzzer know if the person leaving is a customer or someone who didn't make a purchase?"

I think it needs a stronger call to action. Something that will entice the business owner to click through to discover how they can increase their turnover. At the moment I don't think they would care.

Oh and it needs proof reading for spelling and punctuation (e.g. peculiar = particular?)

 

[ManlyMansNegator]

Sorry but it just doesn't flow for me. It doesn't take me on a journey and make me care.

I've had bricks and mortar businesses and I've never been "overwhelmed with customers all asking about your products."

I've had queues of people waiting to pay for products and in another business I've had queues of people waiting to place an order for food at peak times.

It did however make me think "how does the buzzer know if the person leaving is a customer or someone who didn't make a purchase?"

I think it needs a stronger call to action. Something that will entice the business owner to click through to discover how they can increase their turnover. At the moment I don't think they would care.

Oh and it needs proof reading for spelling and punctuation (e.g. peculiar = particular?)

Thanks for the feedback, really appreciate it.I wont argue with the buzzer thing as i dont want the customer to waste time "thinking".The ad should be easily understood.

What do you mean by taking you on a journey, do you mean it doesn't seem realistic or you just cannot relate to it.Or is it that it just doesn't generally captivate you.Perhaps more imagery?

Any tips on the call to action part?

Peculiar is just a weird way of saying interesting.

 

[RazorCut]

Mine were just layman's observations.

I would need to be taken through a journey of discovery. Shown facts I had never considered before in a light that resonated strongly with me. Provided with aha moments. Had my eyes opened to what my customers feel when they have been disappointed in my service. Shown how my business would be so positively impacted by your product that I would be out of my mind not to at least seriously consider it and at the very least have to click through to investigate further.

I think it needs the skills of a good copywriter to craft something that would take me from someone with a mild interest to someone feverishly looking for the buy button.

 

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[jon.M]

Who is 'me' in the copy? Why don't you tell your readers more about 'me' and how 'me' is just like them? How 'me' had the same desires and problems as them, and that your people counter helped with that?

The text doesn't speak to me, I had trouble finishing reading it. Why? It reads like a textbook. A bit more 'you'-focus could be a good start. Especially in the beginning.

Your product's B2B. What's the size of businesses you target? Do you sell to the owner or an employee? Does the person you sell to care about price? If it's not their money, they might not care as much about discounts. Have you tested that, or do you voluntarily lose 25% of your sale because you think discounts always work?

 

[maikooo]

Good first draft!

• You are using too many diversions in your flow, you need to take them through one storyline
• Missing more "you, your, yours" etc.
• What is your ideal customer "real" need/pain - why should they care? I don't think you used the real pain. What makes them the hero?
• How does this work? If the buzzer goes off, the potential customer has left, so how is that helping me to get them back if they actually walked away already?
• Why should I get it from you? Testimonials, proof of ROI. How did you help businesses similar to mine?
• The CTA should be one separate line that we can notice easily
• Needs grammar and spell check

cheers

 

[NewManRising]

Needs some work. The story in the beginning reads more like written English than spoken. Some of the writing in the body does a decent job of building up some interest/desire. But it also sounds too sales-y, in my opinion. Also, throw in some testimonials/social proof. Your call to action needs some work too. Also, don't forget to add some urgency and risk-removal.

 

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[ManlyMansNegator]

@RazorCut i think i should a bit more imagery and be more "you" centrist. I think i understand what you mean.

@jon.M i see what you mean, i havent really connected with the user.I just thought price was a big impact.

@maikooo Oh this is perfect, would you think using family testimonials would be a good idea.

@NewManRising Hey dude, i am trying to come in as more of an editorial.Any tips?

Thanks alot guys, i reckon i will write up a few more and see if it ticks all your boxes.

 

[njord]

Try using future pacing:

1. acknowledge where your customer is now
2. let them expirence what your product can do for them
3. give them post acknowledgment

The #1 Secret of Highly Persuasive People: Future Pacing - Magnetic Speaking

 

[Roli]

I have answered your points in part, like I am your customer, therefore the tone of my replies will seem a bit harsh. Just bear in mind I'm not trying to attack you, rather to give you an honest appraisal of how I think this mail will be received by your potential clients.

_____

A dazed customer stumbles into your store, looking around for a red bull to fuel his late night shifts. He grabs the drink and tries to get your attention. However, your overwhelmed with customers all asking about your products.

Should be you're overwhelmed, seems trivial but it's the sort of thing that would have me closing a promo email immediately, I can't be alone in that.

Plus I'm not sure how common this situation is, if I'm an owner of a convenience store/gas station, then people come into my store, buy their shit and leave. There are not too many questions I get that are not related to the prices of these brand-name products. All the questions have been answered for me by their marketing and packaging.

Again, if I made it past the grammatical mistake, I'm almost definitely clicking out of this email at this point.

As the questions flow forth you catch your store buzzer ring .The peculiar customer has left , he has no time to wait for your attention. Instead he scurries off to the deli next door.

Does this sound familiar?

As I mentioned, it doesn't familiar, but let's just say it does, I am at least interested in what you feel can alleviate this problem, there better be a payoff in the next paragraph or two!

Scientific Studies have shown that 68% of new customers(along with their wallets) leave due to bad treatment. And who could blame them! Would you want to stand in line or search around just to get your hands on a drink or a damn chocolate bar?

OK, another thing to suspend my attention, however scientific studies sounds like marketing BS, is you had said a scientific study done by ________ and _____ in _____ showed that ... it would sound more authentic.

Plus of course that wasn't what the study said, without having read it (if it exists) I know that it said 68% of potential, and not new customers, because a new customer is someone that has already spent the money with me, and now I want them to leave.

Then again at the end you cite something that is quite normal to do, wait in line for a chocolate bar or drink at a convenience store, this has nothing to do with the bad treatment you mentioned earlier.

Now I'm thinking you are selling some automated sales thingy? I'm not sure, I'm starting to get confused.

Retailers potentially lose out on BILLIONS simply due to this one key overlook…..

Should be oversight, sounds confusing to me, however I'm not from the States so maybe this is common vernacular.

every customer counts!

This isn't true, there are many annoying customers who end up harming my business. Plus it doesn't take a genius to work out that I need paying customers.

Every customer has connections to other customers, which have connections to others! Hurt one of them and its like a domino effect! Luckily the reverse is true as well.

This is a clumsy paragraph, I know what you mean, but had to read it twice, as a potential client I wouldn't afford you that privilege. Much better would have been; One customer receiving bad service from your store can have a ripple effect as they tell their friends and family. In the same way that good service received ends up working as free marketing for your store. Or words to that effect...

Plus again, I think you're preaching to the converted here, as a store owner I know that word of mouth marketing is the best, which is why I'm polite to every customer that comes into my store.

So how can you cater to all your customers?


Well this is what worked for my retail store.The key is to..


Invest In your business!

Oh! You're a retail store owner? First you've mentioned it, I thought you were selling whatever it is you're about to drop on me, I'm getting confused again.

Invest? That's my payoff? OK I'm assuming there's more...

But lets be honest, investing willy nilly all over the place is a useless tactic and a sure fire way to end up broke!The best way to find out how many people are unsatisfied is to count them!

Yes, Its that easy!

What's that easy?! You just told me that investing in my business was the key to cater for all my customers, then you say that I should count how many are unsatisfied. That isn't the key to satisfying all of my customers, it's the key to finding out how many are pissed off. Plus how the hell am I meant to count them?

Oh, you're about to tell me...

Installing People Counting technologies allowed me to get back 30% of customers. I spent 0$ on advertising yet got a 30% uptick in customers!! I began optimizing my staff placements which had a wonderful effect on efficiency. I even began creating discounts when more people left my store(that made them come running back ) .The truth is there are endless ways to optimize when you have this golden piece of information.

Huh? How does counting people who leave your store get them back? Do you mean retaining future customers, or do you mean actually physically getting the pissed off customers to walk back into the store?

I'm confused

What do you mean optimising staff placements? I own a convenience store not a department store.

Running discounts? You want me to pay for something that tells me to discount goods in my store? I've already worked than one out for myself, I don't see what's golden about these pieces (not piece) of information.

The good news is that this technology is a baby in the marketplace .People counting specialists are offering discounts left and right to get a large market share FAST. This is a perfect time for you to get some for yourself in fact here is a promo code I use (expires soon) :

[PROMO CODE]

Huh? And double huh??? At first I thought you were the people counting specialist, then I thought you were a retailer, then I thought you were selling me people counting software, now I see you're actually acting as an affiliate for someone else's product?

I'm very confused.

Just go on [website] and send it through , you get a limited 25% discount on all devices!

Whose website is it? Why should I visit it? Who are you? What's going on?

Remember Knowledge is power,

I think you need to remember that, you have given me less than zero information.

the more data you have from your store the more effective your advertising and ,generally, your business is.

You have not given me one tangible example of how counting people who leave my store because they had to wait in line to buy a soda, will make me one cent more in profit.


______

Like I said, sorry for the harsh tone of my replies, however I'm trying to be your typical customer, and I'm guessing your typical customer because of your references throughout the email.

So in conclusion you should rethink this entire missive, let the customer know what your experience is (expand on ...in my retail store). Then let them know exactly what the technology is, you know? Something like people counting software works by X in order to achieve Y so that you can do Z.

After that your customers can get a clear view on who you are, what you're selling, and most importantly, how it will benefit their businesses.

 

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[ManlyMansNegator]

I have answered your points in part, like I am your customer, therefore the tone of my replies will seem a bit harsh. Just bear in mind I'm not trying to attack you, rather to give you an honest appraisal of how I think this mail will be received by your potential clients.

_____



Should be you're overwhelmed, seems trivial but it's the sort of thing that would have me closing a promo email immediately, I can't be alone in that.

Plus I'm not sure how common this situation is, if I'm an owner of a convenience store/gas station, then people come into my store, buy their sh*t and leave. There are not too many questions I get that are not related to the prices of these brand-name products. All the questions have been answered for me by their marketing and packaging.

Again, if I made it past the grammatical mistake, I'm almost definitely clicking out of this email at this point.



As I mentioned, it doesn't familiar, but let's just say it does, I am at least interested in what you feel can alleviate this problem, there better be a payoff in the next paragraph or two!



OK, another thing to suspend my attention, however scientific studies sounds like marketing BS, is you had said a scientific study done by ________ and _____ in _____ showed that ... it would sound more authentic.

Plus of course that wasn't what the study said, without having read it (if it exists) I know that it said 68% of potential, and not new customers, because a new customer is someone that has already spent the money with me, and now I want them to leave.

Then again at the end you cite something that is quite normal to do, wait in line for a chocolate bar or drink at a convenience store, this has nothing to do with the bad treatment you mentioned earlier.

Now I'm thinking you are selling some automated sales thingy? I'm not sure, I'm starting to get confused.



Should be oversight, sounds confusing to me, however I'm not from the States so maybe this is common vernacular.



This isn't true, there are many annoying customers who end up harming my business. Plus it doesn't take a genius to work out that I need paying customers.



This is a clumsy paragraph, I know what you mean, but had to read it twice, as a potential client I wouldn't afford you that privilege. Much better would have been; One customer receiving bad service from your store can have a ripple effect as they tell their friends and family. In the same way that good service received ends up working as free marketing for your store. Or words to that effect...

Plus again, I think you're preaching to the converted here, as a store owner I know that word of mouth marketing is the best, which is why I'm polite to every customer that comes into my store.



Oh! You're a retail store owner? First you've mentioned it, I thought you were selling whatever it is you're about to drop on me, I'm getting confused again.

Invest? That's my payoff? OK I'm assuming there's more...



What's that easy?! You just told me that investing in my business was the key to cater for all my customers, then you say that I should count how many are unsatisfied. That isn't the key to satisfying all of my customers, it's the key to finding out how many are pissed off. Plus how the hell am I meant to count them?

Oh, you're about to tell me...



Huh? How does counting people who leave your store get them back? Do you mean retaining future customers, or do you mean actually physically getting the pissed off customers to walk back into the store?

I'm confused

What do you mean optimising staff placements? I own a convenience store not a department store.

Running discounts? You want me to pay for something that tells me to discount goods in my store? I've already worked than one out for myself, I don't see what's golden about these pieces (not piece) of information.



Huh? And double huh??? At first I thought you were the people counting specialist, then I thought you were a retailer, then I thought you were selling me people counting software, now I see you're actually acting as an affiliate for someone else's product?

I'm very confused.



Whose website is it? Why should I visit it? Who are you? What's going on?



I think you need to remember that, you have given me less than zero information.



You have not given me one tangible example of how counting people who leave my store because they had to wait in line to buy a soda, will make me one cent more in profit.


______

Like I said, sorry for the harsh tone of my replies, however I'm trying to be your typical customer, and I'm guessing your typical customer because of your references throughout the email.

So in conclusion you should rethink this entire missive, let the customer know what your experience is (expand on ...in my retail store). Then let them know exactly what the technology is, you know? Something like people counting software works by X in order to achieve Y so that you can do Z.

After that your customers can get a clear view on who you are, what you're selling, and most importantly, how it will benefit their businesses.

Woah thanks!

hahahah dont worry about being harsh, pussyfooting would've just increased my ignorance.

Generally speaking if a customer is confused they probably wont even think twice about buying my product.That seems the main take away from your advice.

Do you think if i went from.

-Hey i run a retail store
-used people counters in store
- benefits
- call to action line

would that be a more effective attack method?

Once again this is golden information dude cheers.

 

[Roli]

Woah thanks!

hahahah dont worry about being harsh, pussyfooting would've just increased my ignorance.

Generally speaking if a customer is confused they probably wont even think twice about buying my product.That seems the main take away from your advice.

Do you think if i went from.

-Hey i run a retail store
-used people counters in store
- benefits
- call to action line

would that be a more effective attack method?

Once again this is golden information dude cheers.

Much more on the right track, though it should be...

-Hey i run a retail store, it is successful now however...
-I had a really bad common source of pain
-used people counters in store and they eased my pain
-This is how they eased it
-They can also solve other common problems by...
-Benefits to you are...
- call to action line

 

[ManlyMansNegator]

Much more on the right track, though it should be...

-Hey i run a retail store, it is successful now however...
-I had a really bad common source of pain
-used people counters in store and they eased my pain
-This is how they eased it
-They can also solve other common problems by...
-Benefits to you are...
- call to action line

Could i send you a redone part by msg?

in like 12 hours or so.

edit:
just on here?

 

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[Roli]

Could i send you a redone part by msg?

in like 12 hours or so.

Sure no problem.

 

[OlivierMo]

This is basically a blog to my website which sells people counters

How Retailers lose out on BILLIONS!

A dazed customer stumbles into your store, looking around for a red bull to fuel his late night shifts. He grabs the drink and tries to get your attention. However, your overwhelmed with customers all asking about your products.

As the questions flow forth you catch your store buzzer ring .The peculiar customer has left , he has no time to wait for your attention. Instead he scurries off to the deli next door.

Does this sound familiar?

Scientific Studies have shown that 68% of new customers(along with their wallets) leave due to bad treatment. And who could blame them! Would you want to stand in line or search around just to get your hands on a drink or a damn chocolate bar?

Retailers potentially lose out on BILLIONS simply due to this one key overlook…..


every customer counts!


Every customer has connections to other customers, which have connections to others! Hurt one of them and its like a domino effect! Luckily the reverse is true as well.


So how can you cater to all your customers?


Well this is what worked for my retail store.The key is to..


Invest In your business!


But lets be honest, investing willy nilly all over the place is a useless tactic and a sure fire way to end up broke!The best way to find out how many people are unsatisfied is to count them!

Yes, Its that easy!

Installing People Counting technologies allowed me to get back 30% of customers. I spent 0$ on advertising yet got a 30% uptick in customers!! I began optimizing my staff placements which had a wonderful effect on efficiency. I even began creating discounts when more people left my store(that made them come running back ) .The truth is there are endless ways to optimize when you have this golden piece of information.

The good news is that this technology is a baby in the marketplace .People counting specialists are offering discounts left and right to get a large market share FAST. This is a perfect time for you to get some for yourself in fact here is a promo code I use (expires soon) :

[PROMO CODE]

Just go on [website] and send it through , you get a limited 25% discount on all devices!


Remember Knowledge is power, the more data you have from your store the more effective your advertising and ,generally, your business is.

Personally I don't understand who reads those long promotional pages. I bail right away when things are so long to read.

 

[ManlyMansNegator]

Personally I don't understand who reads those long promotional pages. I bail right away when things are so long to read.

If the person is interested yet hates reading he/she will read a little and skip to the end.They get the product and bail.

If the person like to read alot before buying they will read the whole thing then get the product and bail.

I feel as if it caters to both types of people.

 

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[OlivierMo]

If the person is interested yet hates reading he/she will read a little and skip to the end.They get the product and bail.

If the person like to read alot before buying they will read the whole thing then get the product and bail.

I feel as if it caters to both types of people.

I'm a UX freak and I think if I had to write those pages, then, I'd have a section on top that states clear benefits and what it is for people like me who don't want to go through the marketing bullshit. Then have a detailed section below for the ones that like to read. I'd rather watch a video actually. A nice video on top would make me buy more than some text full of bull crap.

 

[ManlyMansNegator]

I'm a UX freak and I think if I had to write those pages, then, I'd have a section on top that states clear benefits and what it is for people like me who don't want to go through the marketing bullshit. Then have a detailed section below for the ones that like to read. I'd rather watch a video actually. A nice video on top would make me buy more than some text full of bull crap.

I think they did alot of studies on this, on average long copy is better than short copy.

 

[OlivierMo]

I think they did alot of studies on this, on average long copy is better than short copy.

Possibly true. I guess I don't buy that way. I just briefly read (scanned) a long copy from a company I'm using and whose service I truly like. But I still hated that long page and closed my browser window.

 

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[rogue synthetic]

A dazed customer stumbles into your store, looking around for a red bull to fuel his late night shifts. He grabs the drink and tries to get your attention. However, your overwhelmed with customers all asking about your products.

This is your key pain point.

I can relate to walking into a shop and having to wait in line for a small purchase while the guy in front is buying 30 lotto tickets.

I can relate to working in retail and having a crowd of impatient customers while you're trying to handle the person your with.

If I'm a shop owner, I can understand what it means to lose a customer because I don't have it together.

So far so good. So why isn't the copy lunging and twisting this knife?

Do you know how much your sloppy customer service is costing you, Mr. Shop Owner? Do you know how many pissed-off ex-customers litter the blasted wastelands beyond your storefront?

You've got the right idea, I think. The problem is when I read your copy, I'm caught between a "yeah right" reaction and a strong "so what?"

Is the guy who owns/operates a single brick 'n mortar (I'm guessing this is directed at retail, though it's hard to tell who the target audience is...) really connecting to "losing billions"? Industry-wide numbers don't connect. They don't hit him in the gut. Talk to him about his best day. Talk to him about his worst day.

Maybe a $5,000 day is a big day for him. Dangle that carrot, then take it away.

At the same time, the copy doesn't connect the pain to your solution. Sure, bad customer service is a problem...you can hitch that up to bad cash flow pretty easily...but there's a great yawning void between the problem and the solution you're offering.

First we're talking about losing customers and then a big jarring transition and...

...I need to count customers?

It reminds me of that old South Park episode:

You need to say more about the how -- what's this thing going to do to fix the problem you've identified? -- and above all the why -- what do they get out of this?

They don't want a customer counter. They don't want better customer service. What's the real benefit that your solution brings to them?

As it stands I'm not sure who this ad is for and why they should want your solution. If you can get clearer on the audience, the benefit(s) to them, and make sure to connect the solution to their pain(s), you'll be in better shape.

 

[maikooo]

Try using future pacing:

1. acknowledge where your customer is now
2. let them expirence what your product can do for them
3. give them post acknowledgment

The #1 Secret of Highly Persuasive People: Future Pacing - Magnetic Speaking

Ah, yes ... take them through the transformation
Now = struggle/pain -> transformation -> then = happy ... if they want to go through the transformation, they need your product!

 

[Bekit]

Just read through your ad from a copywriting perspective. I wanted to improve it and thought I could just post a suggested revision that you could borrow from, tweak, or adjust as needed. But there are too many unanswered questions for me to even begin.

1. Who is your ideal customer? Who are you writing to?
What kind of store is going to benefit from people counters? Is it a gas station convenience store? Because that's the picture that your opening story with the Red Bull conjures up in my mind.

But ask yourself... Is this REALLY who I'm going after?

Imagine that everyone who runs any other kind of retail store immediately stops reading as soon as they picture to themselves that you're writing to convenience stores or grocery stores. (After all, where else would someone buy a Red Bull?)

Do you want all the other kinds of retailers to opt-out, thinking, "This isn't for me"? I'm guessing that the answer is no. Because your story implies that the shopkeeper has other customers asking him questions. People don't ask questions of the cashier when they're paying for gas or buying a soft drink at a convenience store. They just plunk down their item on the counter and hand over the money. (People don't ask questions about a Red Bull, either. What is there to ask?)

It seems that you made the mistake of writing your copy before you had fully formed in your mind a crystal-clear, vivid picture of the exact person you were writing to. Do research to understand their problems at a deep level. Don't take a wild guess at this. Learn to write in their own language. Express the very same things in the beginning of the sales letter that they themselves would rant about at end of a long, hard, frustrating day at work. Get your ideal customer very, very clear in your own head before you start writing, and this will come through in the piece.

The result will be that as they read, they'll be hooked on every word, because they'll feel like you "get" them. They'll be like, "This guy understand me!" So the people who "self-select" to keep reading also just "happen" to be the very best prospects to take you up on your offer, and everyone else "self-selects" out.

The great copywriter, Jay Abraham, says that the better you can describe people's pain in their own words, the more likely they are to believe that you have the answer that will help them to remove that pain. So don't skip this step or take it lightly. Knowing your audience is paramount.

2. What is the relationship between installing a people counter and retaining customers?
This is not clear. It is extremely confusing. You're implying that there's a storyline something like this...

1. Too many potential customers were walking out of my store without purchasing.
2. Then I installed a people counter.
3. Now, the potential customers stay, buy, leave happy, and return again and again.

Uhhhhhh.... really?

Isn't there a HUUUUUGE missing step between #2 and #3? How does measuring foot traffic make ANY difference in those people's behavior? Don't I have to take some action using the raw data that the people counter provides me? Just knowing the baseline of people walking through my door doesn't tell me anything about what to DO about that.

I'm not an expert in retail, but if you're selling a people counter, you need to set up the storyline in your copy so that the crux of the problem lies in the fact that the shopkeeper doesn't know the number of people coming through the doors and needs to solve that exact problem in order to move forward.

It might go something like this...

• I want to pursue continuous improvement in my store so that I can make more money.
• I've spent a lot of time and money trying a whole bunch of different tactics to retain customers and boost sales.
• But now that I've done that, I realize something: I have no idea which ones worked and which ones didn't. I have no clue what my baseline was before. I have no idea what my maximum potential sales COULD have been if every customer who walked in the door also walked out with a purchase. I have no idea which activities boosted the amount of foot traffic I was getting and which ones didn't. All I know is the sales numbers, but if I had the foot traffic numbers, I could get sooooo much more insight.
• So now I have to start over and re-do all those expensive, time-consuming marketing activities, but I can't move forward with them until I have a way to reliably give me the foot traffic numbers, because that's an immensely important variable.
• I only have so much time and money, so I need to spend it on the highest-leverage activities that give me the biggest ROI. Spending money without having a people counter in place is a waste.

Now you're spinning the story in a way that highlights your product in a way that will make sense to the reader, instead of expecting them to keep up with you as you make leaps of logic that are unrealistic and confusing.

You want them to say to themselves, "Wow, that is reasonable. I am wasting money on marketing if I don't have a people counter. I'd better get me one of those right away." You can't bypass their intellect.

(Don't take this statement as permission to forget to appeal to emotion. You need both. Emotion is what gets people to pull the trigger and make a decision, but logic undergirds the process. Confused people do not buy.)

Additional comments:
Your headline + subhead should essentially act as a "TL;DR" version of your entire sales pitch at the top of the page so that people who aren't going to read the copy still know what it's about.

I recommend that you write an eye-catching headline that makes a big, bold promise while also evoking curiosity, and then a subhead that expands on that promise. Then put a video explaining your offer in a nutshell, and a Call to Action button where they can immediately take you up on the offer.

From there, below the fold, your sales page begins with the long-form copy for the people who want to read. Interspersed are a lot of subheads. The subheads are cleverly written so that if someone is just scanning and scrolling fast, they will get the whole essence of the sales pitch from the subheads alone, but they're also provoking even more curiosity to slow down and read every word.

 

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[maikooo]

@maikooo Oh this is perfect, would you think using family testimonials would be a good idea.

Thanks alot guys, i reckon i will write up a few more and see if it ticks all your boxes.

UR Welcome! If your family has a business where your solution has been successfully implemented then I think it's OK! You could consider omitting surnames so they don't match yours ...

 

[maikooo]

Much more on the right track, though it should be...
-Hey i run a retail store, it is successful now however...
-I had a really bad common source of pain
-used people counters in store and they eased my pain
-This is how they eased it
-They can also solve other common problems by...
-Benefits to you are...
- call to action line

Great flow, just don't forget to focus on them ... you are not the hero ... they are! Don't forget that human nature is to ask two questions when we meet someone ... can I trust this person? [show empathy] can I respect this person? [authenticity/credits] ... so first you can talk about your problem, but address it as they have it (if you are a store owner and for the fact you know this is true, then go bananas on this one) and then go on showing the credibility - used it myself, my family and other store owners ... cheers

 

[maikooo]

If the person is interested yet hates reading he/she will read a little and skip to the end.They get the product and bail.

If the person like to read alot before buying they will read the whole thing then get the product and bail.

I feel as if it caters to both types of people.

Good point with long texts ... consider adding a personal video that says basically the same as the copy, but caters both type of ppl ...

 

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[ManlyMansNegator]

So i have gotten alot of tips from @Roli (My post isnt great just yet) however i feel i owe it to the people here to post my remade post.

Seems i should change my point view.Figures ball park.


How Retailers use People Counter to gain customers , FAST

“This one will definitely be a kicker mate!”

You stare blankly at the withered old man as he scratches away at his 10th dollar lotto ticket. Bob, has been coming to your retail store for the last 5 years .He consistently spends what little money (and time) he has scratching away at his “million” dollar ticket.

His type just don’t “get it” and unfortunately for you they come in herds. You don’t have time to cater to the deluded bob types.

Unlike them you have a business to run.

“Ding”

An unfamiliar face rushes in to your store. He grabs some mouth wash from the shelf and scurries over to the que of “future” millionaires.

30 seconds passes

1 minutes passes

Then 5 minutes


You sigh as the potential customer impatiently huffs off muttering profanities.


Does this sound familiar?

Well it sure does to me! I have ran successful retail stores for most of my life. By far my largest pain point was giving bad customer service. Each unsatisfied customer had a ripple effect as they tell their friends and family.

People Counters Fixed it for me:

I quickly found out that the main problem was a lack of staff. It Seemed pretty simple, more staff meant i could deal with a lot more people FAST!

But then I started nervously pondering about the costs!

“Staff??? With my margins!!”

The solution I came up with is to place extra staff only in peak hours. I used people counters to know my peak customer entry hours.

People counters had a lot of side benefits as well. it showed the exact amount of customers who DIDN’T buy my goods!

That obviously meant I could tell if my staff were providing good service or slacking off! i allocated staff to peak hours and cracked down on bad customer service.

In a few weeks I increased my sales by 20%.

How you can benefit as well:

The people counting market is only now starting to grow. This has lead to a lot of sleazy marketing against us retailers. Your best bet is to hire local people counting, allowing you to deal with actual people.

I used(still do) [website] to get my people counters setup. The friendly customer service as well as professional representatives installed it all in a few hours flat!


“This one will definitely be a kicker mate!”

You stare blankly at the withered old man as he scratches away at his 10th dollar lotto ticket. Bob, has been coming to your retail store for the last 5 years .He consistently spends what little money (and time) he has scratching away at his “million” dollar ticket.

His type just don’t “get it” and unfortunately for you they come in herds. You don’t have time to cater to the deluded bob types.

Unlike them you have a business to run.

“Ding”

An unfamiliar face rushes in to your store. He grabs some mouth wash from the shelf and scurries over to the que of “future” millionaires.

30 seconds passes

1 minutes passes

Then 5 minutes


You sigh as the potential customer impatiently huffs off muttering profanities.


Does this sound familiar?

Well it sure does to me! I have ran successful retail stores for most of my life. By far my largest pain point was giving bad customer service. Each unsatisfied customer had a ripple effect as they tell their friends and family.

People Counters Fixed it for me:

I quickly found out that the main problem was a lack of staff. It Seemed pretty simple, more staff meant i could deal with a lot more people FAST!

But then I started nervously pondering about the costs!

“Staff??? With my margins!!”

The solution I came up with is to place extra staff only in peak hours. I used people counters to know my peak customer entry hours.

People counters had a lot of side benefits as well. it showed the exact amount of customers who DIDN’T buy my goods!

That obviously meant I could tell if my staff were providing good service or slacking off! i allocated staff to peak hours and cracked down on bad customer service.

In a few weeks I increased my sales by 20%.

How you can benefit as well:

The people counting market is only now starting to grow. This has lead to a lot of sleazy marketing against us retailers. Your best bet is to hire local people counting, allowing you to deal with actual people.

I used(still do) [website] to get my people counters setup. The friendly customer service as well as professional representatives installed it all in a few hours flat!

 

[Bekit]

So i have gotten alot of tips from @Roli (My post isnt great just yet) however i feel i owe it to the people here to post my remade post.

Seems i should change my point view.Figures ball park.


How Retailers use People Counter to gain customers , FAST

“This one will definitely be a kicker mate!”

You stare blankly at the withered old man as he scratches away at his 10th dollar lotto ticket. Bob, has been coming to your retail store for the last 5 years .He consistently spends what little money (and time) he has scratching away at his “million” dollar ticket.

His type just don’t “get it” and unfortunately for you they come in herds. You don’t have time to cater to the deluded bob types.

Unlike them you have a business to run.

“Ding”

An unfamiliar face rushes in to your store. He grabs some mouth wash from the shelf and scurries over to the que of “future” millionaires.

30 seconds passes

1 minutes passes

Then 5 minutes


You sigh as the potential customer impatiently huffs off muttering profanities.


Does this sound familiar?

Well it sure does to me! I have ran successful retail stores for most of my life. By far my largest pain point was giving bad customer service. Each unsatisfied customer had a ripple effect as they tell their friends and family.

People Counters Fixed it for me:

I quickly found out that the main problem was a lack of staff. It Seemed pretty simple, more staff meant i could deal with a lot more people FAST!

But then I started nervously pondering about the costs!

“Staff??? With my margins!!”

The solution I came up with is to place extra staff only in peak hours. I used people counters to know my peak customer entry hours.

People counters had a lot of side benefits as well. it showed the exact amount of customers who DIDN’T buy my goods!

That obviously meant I could tell if my staff were providing good service or slacking off! i allocated staff to peak hours and cracked down on bad customer service.

In a few weeks I increased my sales by 20%.

How you can benefit as well:

The people counting market is only now starting to grow. This has lead to a lot of sleazy marketing against us retailers. Your best bet is to hire local people counting, allowing you to deal with actual people.

I used(still do) [website] to get my people counters setup. The friendly customer service as well as professional representatives installed it all in a few hours flat!


“This one will definitely be a kicker mate!”

You stare blankly at the withered old man as he scratches away at his 10th dollar lotto ticket. Bob, has been coming to your retail store for the last 5 years .He consistently spends what little money (and time) he has scratching away at his “million” dollar ticket.

His type just don’t “get it” and unfortunately for you they come in herds. You don’t have time to cater to the deluded bob types.

Unlike them you have a business to run.

“Ding”

An unfamiliar face rushes in to your store. He grabs some mouth wash from the shelf and scurries over to the que of “future” millionaires.

30 seconds passes

1 minutes passes

Then 5 minutes


You sigh as the potential customer impatiently huffs off muttering profanities.


Does this sound familiar?

Well it sure does to me! I have ran successful retail stores for most of my life. By far my largest pain point was giving bad customer service. Each unsatisfied customer had a ripple effect as they tell their friends and family.

People Counters Fixed it for me:

I quickly found out that the main problem was a lack of staff. It Seemed pretty simple, more staff meant i could deal with a lot more people FAST!

But then I started nervously pondering about the costs!

“Staff??? With my margins!!”

The solution I came up with is to place extra staff only in peak hours. I used people counters to know my peak customer entry hours.

People counters had a lot of side benefits as well. it showed the exact amount of customers who DIDN’T buy my goods!

That obviously meant I could tell if my staff were providing good service or slacking off! i allocated staff to peak hours and cracked down on bad customer service.

In a few weeks I increased my sales by 20%.

How you can benefit as well:

The people counting market is only now starting to grow. This has lead to a lot of sleazy marketing against us retailers. Your best bet is to hire local people counting, allowing you to deal with actual people.

I used(still do) [website] to get my people counters setup. The friendly customer service as well as professional representatives installed it all in a few hours flat!

I think this story works a lot better. Actually, it reminds me of a post on the forum where someone rants about this very topic (being a customer waiting in line behind people scratching off lottery tickets, and it takes 15 minutes just to buy a drink). https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/co...wn-the-fastlane-in-the-wrong-direction.85097/

You've made the connection much more clear between the people counter and the business results, which is great.

Where I would go from here is to add an explicit call to action at the end. Use words to ask people to take the exact action that you want them to take.

 

[ManlyMansNegator]

Ok this will be my final copy.I will add in and see how it works.

How People Counters Save retailers thousands


It’s the end of an eventful week at your store. You sit down and begin accounting for your business .Then sigh as you find out your margins are razor-thin, just like the last few months. You rack your head trying to think of how this happened.






Instinctively you believe its most likely due to your service .So you reload the CCTV footage and watch your staff work. There were no obvious signs of disrespect by your staff, in fact they seemed very friendly. Yet the store had quiet a few customers and a que was forming. Just before you give up you catch an unfamiliar customer rush into the store. He grabs a mouthwash and walks over to the que of customers. Instead of waiting he looks down at his phone and walks out of the shop.






surprised, you wonder why didn’t my Point Of Sales system( or bank transactions) alert me that this was a peak hour. It didn’t even register a huge difference to warrant action! The problem was that it didn’t account for customers that leave without buying anything!



Does this sound familiar?



Well it sure does to me! I had run retail stores and always came upon this problem!



People Counters Fixed it For Me:



People Counters identified my peak customer hours, so I hired extra staff to work in those hours.



People counters showed me those customers who didn’t buy from me. I simply compared the number of purchases I made at a time with the number of people who came into my store. The difference was my loss of potential customers.



This difference (lets call it the C.D) showed me if my service is working well. As C.D went up I knew I was doing well. However if the C.D went down I would begin monitoring my staff, trying to find out why this was case. This better service then helps you grow your business.









Price:



People counters are a new burgeoning market. As a retailer you should opt for the more affordable devices. This can set you back as far as $300. Buying people counters online would set this price lower but you must then install it for yourself.



For my store I used [website].They installed my first entrance for 1000$ and went up 500$ for each entrance after. They offered superb customer service and came back three times to help me with any issues I had. [Company Name] also offered me a free 2 week trial with a 30 day guarantee. Basically I had no fears in investing in the products, in the end my sales increased by 20%!

 

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[Bekit]

surprised, you wonder why didn’t my Point Of Sales system( or bank transactions) alert me that this was a peak hour. It didn’t even register a huge difference to warrant action! The problem was that it didn’t account for customers that leave without buying anything!

This is a great point, and I'm glad you worked this in to your copy. Made your argument stronger.

This difference (lets call it the C.D) showed me if my service is working well. As C.D went up I knew I was doing well. However if the C.D went down I would begin monitoring my staff, trying to find out why this was case. This better service then helps you grow your business.

C.D.? What does C.D. stand for? This is confusing. It requires me to pause, scan through for what I missed, and not finding it, wonder why this is not better explained. What is the "C" in CD? Why do you have to use an acronym? Will your customers instantly grasp the meaning of this acronym, or will this go over their heads, too? Since a CD is an acronym I already know as something else (compact disc), I'm having trouble dislodging the image of a compact disc from my mind when I read this paragraph. Don't let your reader get confused, or they could bounce.

People counters are a new burgeoning market. As a retailer you should opt for the more affordable devices. This can set you back as far as $300. Buying people counters online would set this price lower but you must then install it for yourself.

For my store I used [website].They installed my first entrance for 1000$ and went up 500$ for each entrance after. They offered superb customer service and came back three times to help me with any issues I had. [Company Name] also offered me a free 2 week trial with a 30 day guarantee. Basically I had no fears in investing in the products, in the end my sales increased by 20%!

You are doing the pricing the wrong way around. Look up "price anchoring" or "price justification" if you want more insight into this, but FIRST you should cite a HUGE number, like 10x the total price, and then the price of the item will feel more affordable just because the reader has seen a bigger number immediately beforehand.

Here's how it can look in copy:

"Now, you may be wondering how much it cost me to install the people counters in my stores. Well, let me tell you how much it was costing me to NOT have them installed. The potential sales that I was losing added up to almost $25,000 per year!

Good thing the people counter itself only cost me $300 plus an installation fee of $1000 for the first store and then only $500 for every store after that.

Thanks to the knowledge and insight that the people counter brings me, I've now boosted my sales by 20%... and this is only the beginning!"

One other thing before you publish this copy:

Find yourself a copy editor or grammar whiz, someone who knows spelling, grammar, and punctuation at a very high level, and get them to go through your copy and fix all the mistakes... because there are a lot. And they are very distracting.

They're like the store owner who has no people counter. You have no idea how many people are walking away from your copy as soon as they see the uneven capitalization in the words of your title, the misplaced spacing before the period in the second sentence, and the use of "quiet" instead of "quite" in the second paragraph.

At the very minimum, please run your copy through Grammarly. It's free, and it will catch most of the biggest errors.

 

[maikooo]

Great improvements! The knowledge of the tribe comes through immensely and kudos to you for learning so quickly!!!

Well it sure does to me! I had run retail stores and always came upon this problem!

Did you want to say ... it sure did to me? You already solved this issue, right? So it's past to you

This difference (lets call it the C.D) showed me if my service is working well. As C.D went up I knew I was doing well. However if the C.D went down I would begin monitoring my staff, trying to find out why this was case. This better service then helps you grow your business.

This is highly confusing ... just reinforce you implemented the counters and it solved your problem ...

People counters are a new burgeoning market. As a retailer you should opt for the more affordable devices. This can set you back as far as $300. Buying people counters online would set this price lower but you must then install it for yourself.

I don't care, tell me how I can save money; make more money or ideally both

For my store I used [website].They installed my first entrance for 1000$ and went up 500$ for each entrance after. They offered superb customer service and came back three times to help me with any issues I had. [Company Name] also offered me a free 2 week trial with a 30 day guarantee. Basically I had no fears in investing in the products, in the end my sales increased by 20%!

Wait, what? You are an affiliate for this other company? Or are you the one I am buying from? I'd buy it if it was from you ... I don't know the other company!

Don't forget to get it grammar & typos checked!