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What do you guys think of my copywriting ad?

Discussion in 'Ideas, Needs, Concept Feedback' started by ManlyMansNegator, Dec 27, 2018.

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  1. ManlyMansNegator
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    ManlyMansNegator Bronze Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED Speedway Pass

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    So i have gotten alot of tips from @Roli (My post isnt great just yet) however i feel i owe it to the people here to post my remade post.

    Seems i should change my point view.Figures ball park.


    How Retailers use People Counter to gain customers , FAST

    “This one will definitely be a kicker mate!”


    You stare blankly at the withered old man as he scratches away at his 10th dollar lotto ticket. Bob, has been coming to your retail store for the last 5 years .He consistently spends what little money (and time) he has scratching away at his “million” dollar ticket.

    His type just don’t “get it” and unfortunately for you they come in herds. You don’t have time to cater to the deluded bob types.

    Unlike them you have a business to run.

    “Ding”

    An unfamiliar face rushes in to your store. He grabs some mouth wash from the shelf and scurries over to the que of “future” millionaires.

    30 seconds passes

    1 minutes passes

    Then 5 minutes


    You sigh as the potential customer impatiently huffs off muttering profanities.


    Does this sound familiar?

    Well it sure does to me! I have ran successful retail stores for most of my life. By far my largest pain point was giving bad customer service. Each unsatisfied customer had a ripple effect as they tell their friends and family.

    People Counters Fixed it for me:

    I quickly found out that the main problem was a lack of staff. It Seemed pretty simple, more staff meant i could deal with a lot more people FAST!

    But then I started nervously pondering about the costs!

    “Staff??? With my margins!!”

    The solution I came up with is to place extra staff only in peak hours. I used people counters to know my peak customer entry hours.

    People counters had a lot of side benefits as well. it showed the exact amount of customers who DIDN’T buy my goods!

    That obviously meant I could tell if my staff were providing good service or slacking off! i allocated staff to peak hours and cracked down on bad customer service.

    In a few weeks I increased my sales by 20%.

    How you can benefit as well:

    The people counting market is only now starting to grow. This has lead to a lot of sleazy marketing against us retailers. Your best bet is to hire local people counting, allowing you to deal with actual people.

    I used(still do) [website] to get my people counters setup. The friendly customer service as well as professional representatives installed it all in a few hours flat!


    “This one will definitely be a kicker mate!”

    You stare blankly at the withered old man as he scratches away at his 10th dollar lotto ticket. Bob, has been coming to your retail store for the last 5 years .He consistently spends what little money (and time) he has scratching away at his “million” dollar ticket.

    His type just don’t “get it” and unfortunately for you they come in herds. You don’t have time to cater to the deluded bob types.

    Unlike them you have a business to run.

    “Ding”

    An unfamiliar face rushes in to your store. He grabs some mouth wash from the shelf and scurries over to the que of “future” millionaires.

    30 seconds passes

    1 minutes passes

    Then 5 minutes


    You sigh as the potential customer impatiently huffs off muttering profanities.


    Does this sound familiar?

    Well it sure does to me! I have ran successful retail stores for most of my life. By far my largest pain point was giving bad customer service. Each unsatisfied customer had a ripple effect as they tell their friends and family.

    People Counters Fixed it for me:

    I quickly found out that the main problem was a lack of staff. It Seemed pretty simple, more staff meant i could deal with a lot more people FAST!

    But then I started nervously pondering about the costs!

    “Staff??? With my margins!!”

    The solution I came up with is to place extra staff only in peak hours. I used people counters to know my peak customer entry hours.

    People counters had a lot of side benefits as well. it showed the exact amount of customers who DIDN’T buy my goods!

    That obviously meant I could tell if my staff were providing good service or slacking off! i allocated staff to peak hours and cracked down on bad customer service.

    In a few weeks I increased my sales by 20%.

    How you can benefit as well:

    The people counting market is only now starting to grow. This has lead to a lot of sleazy marketing against us retailers. Your best bet is to hire local people counting, allowing you to deal with actual people.

    I used(still do) [website] to get my people counters setup. The friendly customer service as well as professional representatives installed it all in a few hours flat!
     
    Bekit likes this.
  2. Bekit
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    Bekit Silver Contributor Speedway Pass

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    I think this story works a lot better. Actually, it reminds me of a post on the forum where someone rants about this very topic (being a customer waiting in line behind people scratching off lottery tickets, and it takes 15 minutes just to buy a drink). https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/co...wn-the-fastlane-in-the-wrong-direction.85097/

    You've made the connection much more clear between the people counter and the business results, which is great.

    Where I would go from here is to add an explicit call to action at the end. Use words to ask people to take the exact action that you want them to take.
     
    ManlyMansNegator likes this.
  3. ManlyMansNegator
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    ManlyMansNegator Bronze Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED Speedway Pass

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    Ok this will be my final copy.I will add in and see how it works.

    How People Counters Save retailers thousands


    It’s the end of an eventful week at your store. You sit down and begin accounting for your business .Then sigh as you find out your margins are razor-thin, just like the last few months. You rack your head trying to think of how this happened.






    Instinctively you believe its most likely due to your service .So you reload the CCTV footage and watch your staff work. There were no obvious signs of disrespect by your staff, in fact they seemed very friendly. Yet the store had quiet a few customers and a que was forming. Just before you give up you catch an unfamiliar customer rush into the store. He grabs a mouthwash and walks over to the que of customers. Instead of waiting he looks down at his phone and walks out of the shop.






    surprised, you wonder why didn’t my Point Of Sales system( or bank transactions) alert me that this was a peak hour. It didn’t even register a huge difference to warrant action! The problem was that it didn’t account for customers that leave without buying anything!



    Does this sound familiar?



    Well it sure does to me! I had run retail stores and always came upon this problem!



    People Counters Fixed it For Me:



    People Counters identified my peak customer hours, so I hired extra staff to work in those hours.



    People counters showed me those customers who didn’t buy from me. I simply compared the number of purchases I made at a time with the number of people who came into my store. The difference was my loss of potential customers.



    This difference (lets call it the C.D) showed me if my service is working well. As C.D went up I knew I was doing well. However if the C.D went down I would begin monitoring my staff, trying to find out why this was case. This better service then helps you grow your business.









    Price:



    People counters are a new burgeoning market. As a retailer you should opt for the more affordable devices. This can set you back as far as $300. Buying people counters online would set this price lower but you must then install it for yourself.



    For my store I used [website].They installed my first entrance for 1000$ and went up 500$ for each entrance after. They offered superb customer service and came back three times to help me with any issues I had. [Company Name] also offered me a free 2 week trial with a 30 day guarantee. Basically I had no fears in investing in the products, in the end my sales increased by 20%!
     
    maikooo likes this.
  4. Bekit
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    Bekit Silver Contributor Speedway Pass

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    This is a great point, and I'm glad you worked this in to your copy. Made your argument stronger.

    C.D.? What does C.D. stand for? This is confusing. It requires me to pause, scan through for what I missed, and not finding it, wonder why this is not better explained. What is the "C" in CD? Why do you have to use an acronym? Will your customers instantly grasp the meaning of this acronym, or will this go over their heads, too? Since a CD is an acronym I already know as something else (compact disc), I'm having trouble dislodging the image of a compact disc from my mind when I read this paragraph. Don't let your reader get confused, or they could bounce.

    You are doing the pricing the wrong way around. Look up "price anchoring" or "price justification" if you want more insight into this, but FIRST you should cite a HUGE number, like 10x the total price, and then the price of the item will feel more affordable just because the reader has seen a bigger number immediately beforehand.

    Here's how it can look in copy:

    "Now, you may be wondering how much it cost me to install the people counters in my stores. Well, let me tell you how much it was costing me to NOT have them installed. The potential sales that I was losing added up to almost $25,000 per year!

    Good thing the people counter itself only cost me $300 plus an installation fee of $1000 for the first store and then only $500 for every store after that.

    Thanks to the knowledge and insight that the people counter brings me, I've now boosted my sales by 20%... and this is only the beginning!"

    One other thing before you publish this copy:

    Find yourself a copy editor or grammar whiz, someone who knows spelling, grammar, and punctuation at a very high level, and get them to go through your copy and fix all the mistakes... because there are a lot. And they are very distracting.

    They're like the store owner who has no people counter. You have no idea how many people are walking away from your copy as soon as they see the uneven capitalization in the words of your title, the misplaced spacing before the period in the second sentence, and the use of "quiet" instead of "quite" in the second paragraph.

    At the very minimum, please run your copy through Grammarly. It's free, and it will catch most of the biggest errors.
     
  5. maikooo
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    maikooo Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED

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    Great improvements! The knowledge of the tribe comes through immensely and kudos to you for learning so quickly!!!

    Did you want to say ... it sure did to me? You already solved this issue, right? So it's past to you

    This is highly confusing ... just reinforce you implemented the counters and it solved your problem ...

    I don't care, tell me how I can save money; make more money or ideally both

    Wait, what? You are an affiliate for this other company? Or are you the one I am buying from? I'd buy it if it was from you ... I don't know the other company!

    Don't forget to get it grammar & typos checked!
     
    ManlyMansNegator and Bekit like this.
  6. ManlyMansNegator
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    ManlyMansNegator Bronze Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED Speedway Pass

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    @maikooo and @Bekit thanks alot guys.

    It seems as if i am just over complicating it , especially with that C.D remark.I will just get rid of that.

    I am sending this draft to a web developer who is editing the copy as a whole.
     
    maikooo and Bekit like this.
  7. ManlyMansNegator
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    ManlyMansNegator Bronze Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED Speedway Pass

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    Ok here goes a 4th time.I will then send it to the editor :)
    How People Counters Save Retailers Thousands:
    It’s the end of an eventful week at your store. You sit down and begin accounting for your business.Then sigh as you find out your margins are razor thin, just like the last few months. You rack your head trying to find a solution.

    Instinctively you believe its most likely due to your service. So you reload the CCTV footage and watch your staff work. There were no obvious signs of disrespect by your staff, in fact, they seemed very friendly. Yet the store had quite a few customers and a queue was forming. Suddenly you catch an unfamiliar customer rush into the store. He grabs a mouthwash and walks over to the queue of customers. Instead of waiting he looks down at his phone and walks out of the shop.

    Surprised, you wonder why didn’t my Point Of Sales system( or bank transactions) alert me that this was peak hour. It didn’t even register a huge difference to warrant action! The problem was that it didn’t account for customers that leave without buying anything!
    Does this sound familiar?
    Well, it sure did to me! I had run retail stores and always came upon this problem!
    People Counters Fixed it For Me:
    People Counters identified my peak customer hours, so I hired extra staff to work in those hours.
    People counters showed me those customers who didn’t buy from me. I simply compared the number of purchases I made with the number of people who came into my store. The difference was my loss of potential customers.
    If I noticed more customers leaving without buying that would indicate a service problem. I would then begin monitoring my staff. This spurred growth in my business.

    Price:
    Now you may be wondering how much this will cost. Well, let me tell how much it's costing you NOT to have people counters. Before people counters, I was averaging 99,000$ per annum, after using people counters I made a whopping extra $19800! Spurring an extra 20% sales!

    Luckily our people counters cost 1000$ per entrance going up by $500 for each entrance after that. At [company name] we even offer a free trial for testing the product as well as a 30-day money back guarantee. You can get in Contact with us at [Website].
    I am certain (just like me) people counters will help you boost your sales and manage your store much more effectively!
     
    maikooo likes this.
  8. maikooo
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    maikooo Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED

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    Good flow! It was good to read it after a couple of days. Came to it with fresh eyes. Didn't encounter any hiccup. I think it's the time to test it with your audience.

    Don't forget to put [Website] direct link to your /contact form

    WIsh you success!!
     

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