What do you guys think of my copywriting ad?

[ManlyMansNegator]

@maikooo and @Bekit thanks alot guys.

It seems as if i am just over complicating it , especially with that C.D remark.I will just get rid of that.

I am sending this draft to a web developer who is editing the copy as a whole.

 

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[ManlyMansNegator]

Ok here goes a 4th time.I will then send it to the editor
How People Counters Save Retailers Thousands:
It’s the end of an eventful week at your store. You sit down and begin accounting for your business.Then sigh as you find out your margins are razor thin, just like the last few months. You rack your head trying to find a solution.

Instinctively you believe its most likely due to your service. So you reload the CCTV footage and watch your staff work. There were no obvious signs of disrespect by your staff, in fact, they seemed very friendly. Yet the store had quite a few customers and a queue was forming. Suddenly you catch an unfamiliar customer rush into the store. He grabs a mouthwash and walks over to the queue of customers. Instead of waiting he looks down at his phone and walks out of the shop.

Surprised, you wonder why didn’t my Point Of Sales system( or bank transactions) alert me that this was peak hour. It didn’t even register a huge difference to warrant action! The problem was that it didn’t account for customers that leave without buying anything!
Does this sound familiar?
Well, it sure did to me! I had run retail stores and always came upon this problem!
People Counters Fixed it For Me:
People Counters identified my peak customer hours, so I hired extra staff to work in those hours.
People counters showed me those customers who didn’t buy from me. I simply compared the number of purchases I made with the number of people who came into my store. The difference was my loss of potential customers.
If I noticed more customers leaving without buying that would indicate a service problem. I would then begin monitoring my staff. This spurred growth in my business.

Price:
Now you may be wondering how much this will cost. Well, let me tell how much it's costing you NOT to have people counters. Before people counters, I was averaging 99,000$ per annum, after using people counters I made a whopping extra $19800! Spurring an extra 20% sales!

Luckily our people counters cost 1000$ per entrance going up by $500 for each entrance after that. At [company name] we even offer a free trial for testing the product as well as a 30-day money back guarantee. You can get in Contact with us at [Website].
I am certain (just like me) people counters will help you boost your sales and manage your store much more effectively!

 

[maikooo]

Ok here goes a 4th time.I will then send it to the editor
How People Counters Save Retailers Thousands:
It’s the end of an eventful week at your store. You sit down and begin accounting for your business.Then sigh as you find out your margins are razor thin, just like the last few months. You rack your head trying to find a solution.

Instinctively you believe its most likely due to your service. So you reload the CCTV footage and watch your staff work. There were no obvious signs of disrespect by your staff, in fact, they seemed very friendly. Yet the store had quite a few customers and a queue was forming. Suddenly you catch an unfamiliar customer rush into the store. He grabs a mouthwash and walks over to the queue of customers. Instead of waiting he looks down at his phone and walks out of the shop.

Surprised, you wonder why didn’t my Point Of Sales system( or bank transactions) alert me that this was peak hour. It didn’t even register a huge difference to warrant action! The problem was that it didn’t account for customers that leave without buying anything!
Does this sound familiar?
Well, it sure did to me! I had run retail stores and always came upon this problem!
People Counters Fixed it For Me:
People Counters identified my peak customer hours, so I hired extra staff to work in those hours.
People counters showed me those customers who didn’t buy from me. I simply compared the number of purchases I made with the number of people who came into my store. The difference was my loss of potential customers.
If I noticed more customers leaving without buying that would indicate a service problem. I would then begin monitoring my staff. This spurred growth in my business.

Price:
Now you may be wondering how much this will cost. Well, let me tell how much it's costing you NOT to have people counters. Before people counters, I was averaging 99,000$ per annum, after using people counters I made a whopping extra $19800! Spurring an extra 20% sales!

Luckily our people counters cost 1000$ per entrance going up by $500 for each entrance after that. At [company name] we even offer a free trial for testing the product as well as a 30-day money back guarantee. You can get in Contact with us at [Website].
I am certain (just like me) people counters will help you boost your sales and manage your store much more effectively!

Good flow! It was good to read it after a couple of days. Came to it with fresh eyes. Didn't encounter any hiccup. I think it's the time to test it with your audience.

Don't forget to put [Website] direct link to your /contact form

WIsh you success!!