Thoughts on Marriage/Kids and the Fastlane dream

[Darkside]

Honestly, if you are thinking about how marriage is going to be detrimental to your lifestyle/business, don't get married. Not because marriage is going to automatically be detrimental to your business/lifestyle, but because you don't have the right mindset to make a marriage work.

A person who is ready to get married would be worried if their lifestyle/business is going to be detrimental to their marriage.

Marriage is not a partnership, it is willing and gleeful servitude.

Scary but true. That's why I plan on staying a free man.

 

[Rickson9]

If a person has millions (or billions) of dollars and can't conceal their wealth from a woman, that speaks to an ego problem not a gold digger problem.

There are a lot of difficult tasks in the world, but hiding a fortune is not one of them.

Seriously.

 

[Darkside]

I never assume kids and marriage will make me happy. Statistics are against it. I don't think so many marriages end in divorce because they found true love or happiness.

Raising kids, while being probably the most important job, is largely a thankless job unless you enjoy watching them go through the motions of growing up, just to have them destroy your values when they mature. (sorry if it offends)

I've put countless hours and days of thought into these areas over the past 1-2 years. I end up always coming up with 60 reasons not to get married and 100 reasons not to have kids.

I'd rather regret not having kids than having them. Both decisions are permanent, one costs less and has its safety nets. One of the safety nets being, hey I can always adopt if I want kids bad enough.

I look at the average soccer-dad types who look like they lost their identity and their passion for life. Seeing these types of people and what kind of kids they make, makes me want to go get a vasectomy.

And hey, if I had kids, there's a chance they'd grow up to look like me. That alone is reason not to have kids.(couldn't put a kid through that)

I'm with you on this. I've worked retail as a cashier and most of the parents that I've seen with young children look unhappy and frustrated. Why would I want to put myself through taking care of kids during the difficult childhood years, the rebellious teenage years, and pay for their college expenses just for the few moments when they do something cute? I personally don't care if my genes survive or not as humanity will be fine without me making a contribution to it's future through my sperm. I'm young so I might change my mind later, but that's how I feel at the moment. Maybe when I'm 40 I will develop an urge to have kids; can't say for sure that I won't.

 

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[Darkside]

If a person has millions (or billions) of dollars and can't conceal their wealth from a woman, that speaks to an ego problem not a gold digger problem.

There are a lot of difficult tasks in the world, but hiding a fortune is not one of them.

Seriously.

Yes, I think the kind of men who attract gold diggers are the ones who flash their cash. So, if you don't want to be with a gold digger, the simple solution is to live modestly and don't flash your cash to impress women. The kind of women who will be impressed by you flashing your cash are the ones you want to steer clear of. If you're just looking to have a good time, then go right ahead and flash your cash, but if you want a woman who is wife material then it would be a stupid idea to do so as all you'll attract are women who want your money and will leave you as soon as you lose it.

This video is a perfect example of what I mean. Look at how this gold digger approaches the guy in the lamborghini. He's flashing his wealth and she wants him to invite her into the car but either he doesn't notice her or doesn't care since he drives off:

[video=youtube;eDbMSO0jSt0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDbMSO0jSt0[/video]

 

[MJ DeMarco]

[video=youtube;eDbMSO0jSt0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDbMSO0jSt0[/video]

How do you know she's a gold-digger?? That's a bold generalization, maybe she just likes cars?!

There are a lot of difficult tasks in the world, but hiding a fortune is not one of them

Actually it is difficult because ultimately on dates, you have to be very obtuse, non-specific, and generalized. This gives off the impression that I am either disingenuous, hiding something, or lying. My *work* is a very big part of my life -- dating is hard enough - trying to hide my work, date after date, makes it even harder.

Having been on 143,003 dates in the last few years, I can tell you that the battle between full-disclosure and concealment is a no-win game. :nonod:

 

[Darkside]

How do you know she's a gold-digger?? That's a bold generalization, maybe she just likes cars?!

That's possible as well. Even if she isn't a gold digger, my point still stands that flashing your wealth is detrimental to finding a woman who isn't a gold digger.

Actually it is difficult because ultimately on dates, you have to be very obtuse, non-specific, and generalized. This gives off the impression that I am either disingenuous, hiding something, or lying. My *work* is a very big part of my life -- dating is hard enough - trying to hide my work, date after date, makes it even harder.

Having been on 143,003 dates in the last few years, I can tell you that the battle between full-disclosure and concealment is a no-win game. :nonod:

Unless you lie, and say you're doing x y z to hide the fact that you're wealthy, she will know that you're being evasive, as you pointed out. It's probably one of the most difficult challenges for wealthy people who are single; finding someone who they believe is not interested in them for their money. You can never be 100% sure unless you knew that person before you became wealthy.

 

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[Darkside]

It's not that difficult.

Unless an individual just has poor social skills or is in/famous.

How would you handle the wealth issue when you're first dating that person. If you try to hide the fact that you're wealthy, the person will realize that you're being evasive about something and therefore might not trust you from the beginning. If you don't hide your wealth, then you can never be 100% sure that the person you're dating isn't interested more in your money than they are in you.

 

[Rickson9]

Good question. So how do you think I dealt with questions about my finances? What kinds of questions could I possibly be asked that I would have difficulty answering?

From my experience, dating involved only superficial questions about money and finance. That experience may be different from others. I had no problem with it.

Just like in successful sales, successful dating involves talking less about yourself.

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

It's not that difficult.

Spoken like someone who's been married and hasn't been in the game for a long time.

What kinds of questions could I possibly be asked that I would have difficulty answering?

Uh ... how about "What do you do for a living?"

If you expect to conceal or sideswipe this topic, expect the your date to have her BS meter ringing on FULL BLAST. Tell the truth and you cloud things -- tell the mistruth, and the date gets awkward as you try to change the subject.

So here's a smorgasbord of options on how to answer "So what do you do for a living?" question.

Answer #1:
Retired.
Her assumption: He must be wealthy.
Answer #1 is a bad answer.

Answer #2:
Me: Author
Her: Oh cool, what book did you write?
Me: Uhhh, a self-help/motivational book.
Her: What's the title?
Me: Uhhh, I have to go to the bathroom.

Answer #3:
Me: I'm an entrepreneur
Her: Oh, what is your business?
Me: Uh, I own a publishing business.
Her: Cool, what kind of books?
Me: Uh, my own book that I wrote.
Her: Cool, what is the name?
Me: Uh, I have to go to the bathroom.

Answer #4
Me: I'm a blogger.
Her: Oh how cool, what is your website?
Me: (Say blog and HOPE she doesn't go to it.)

Answer #5
Me: I'm unemployed and in between jobs
Her: I've got to go to the bathroom. (Calls friends, says this guy is a loser.)

Answer #6
Me: I'm a teacher.
Her: Cool, at what university?
Me: Well, its not exactly a school, its a thing I started.
Her: What is that?
Me: Uh, hmmm, its a blog. (See answer #4)

Answer #7:
Me: I own a business
Her: Doing what? What do you sell?
Me: I used to own an internet company, but now I just sell a book.
Her: What kind of book?

As you can see, there is no easy way to handle it. The more I deviate from the real answer, the closer the answer is to a full-blown lie.

These questions eventually come out naturally, through the "get to know you" process. If they don't, that also is a red-flag: I once went out with a gal who never asked what I did -- as far as she knew, I could have been the porn king of Phoenix and pimping gals on Van Buren street.

Full disclosure and you cloud things. Be evasive, and you set-off her BS "he's hiding something" meter.

Just like in successful sales, successful dating involves talking less about yourself.

Absolutely however at some point, the conversation usually starts to turn toward yourself. When you show genuine interest in a woman, she eventually reciprocates the interest and returns the questions back to you. This is when the challenge comes into play.

 

[hakrjak]

LOL -- it's funny that some of you guys with the big net worth have trouble concealing your wealth from the ladies.

When I was single, I had the exact opposite problem. I had women all the time that assumed that I was worth millions. It must just be some vibe I put off or whatever, but when they would find out that I was just another struggling single Dad, they would act pretty dissapointed sometimes. haha -- I mean, I guess I understand -- if I met someone who was all consumed by investments, starting companies, owning corporations, real estate, etc -- I would probably think I had hit the jackpot also.

Maybe this is just a common problem fastlaners have in general because of our attitude

- Hakrjak

 

[ClintonSkakun]

Spoken like someone who's been married and hasn't been in the game for a long time.

Haha, some people are so lucky. They get what they want before they even know they want it. Playing the feild is confusing enough without all of the dating coaches, puas and wirlwind of nutty advice out there.

Uh ... how about "What do you do for a living?"

If you expect to conceal or sideswipe this topic, expect the your date to have her BS meter ringing on FULL BLAST. Tell the truth and you cloud things -- tell the mistruth, and the date gets awkward as you try to change the subject.

So here's a smorgasbord of options on how to answer "So what do you do for a living?" question.

Answer #1:
Retired.
Her assumption: He must be wealthy.
Answer #1 is a bad answer.

Answer #2:
Me: Author
Her: Oh cool, what book did you write?
Me: Uhhh, a self-help/motivational book.
Her: What's the title?
Me: Uhhh, I have to go to the bathroom.

Answer #3:
Me: I'm an entrepreneur
Her: Oh, what is your business?
Me: Uh, I own a publishing business.
Her: Cool, what kind of books?
Me: Uh, my own book that I wrote.
Her: Cool, what is the name?
Me: Uh, I have to go to the bathroom.

Answer #4
Me: I'm a blogger.
Her: Oh how cool, what is your website?
Me: (Say blog and HOPE she doesn't go to it.)

Answer #5
Me: I'm unemployed and in between jobs
Her: I've got to go to the bathroom. (Calls friends, says this guy is a loser.)

Answer #6
Me: I'm a teacher.
Her: Cool, at what university?
Me: Well, its not exactly a school, its a thing I started.
Her: What is that?
Me: Uh, hmmm, its a blog. (See answer #4)

Answer #7:
Me: I own a business
Her: Doing what? What do you sell?
Me: I used to own an internet company, but now I just sell a book.
Her: What kind of book?

As you can see, there is no easy way to handle it. The more I deviate from the real answer, the closer the answer is to a full-blown lie.

These questions eventually come out naturally, through the "get to know you" process. If they don't, that also is a red-flag: I once went out with a gal who never asked what I did -- as far as she knew, I could have been the porn king of Phoenix and pimping gals on Van Buren street.

Full disclosure and you cloud things. Be evasive, and you set-off her BS "he's hiding something" meter.

I can see how this would be a no-win situation. If you tell her everything, and she doesn't seem effected by it, you'll still have in the back of your mind that maybe she's putting on her poker face and playing you. I listen to chicks talk all the time, they overlook rarely anything about the guys they're dating.

On the other hand it might not be bad for them to know you're made. Some are gold diggers that just want your wallet, but women in general seem attracted to wealth because it shows that a man can be a good provider, just like a women finds abs attractive.

I'm sure it's more than possible to find what you're looking for. Look at Gene Simmons, he ended up with a decent women, even though she said if it wasn't for his money she wouldn't stick around. The money made him more attractive, but she seemed to have a deep sense of what's really important. In the end his money didn't save his relationship when he continued to put work first, even when his family was in crisis. Shows that quality women are attracted to more than just dollars.

 

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[Rickson9]

Uh ... how about "What do you do for a living?"

Exactly. Everybody who has dated has encountered this question. It happens all the time.

Speaking for myself, when an issue happens all the time, one needs to think of a solution. Just like in sales, business, and investing, some problems occur repeatedly. Over and over. The choice is never black and white (ie. To tell the truth or to lie). Marketers are brilliant at this. They don't do either, but can convince many.

With regards to the personal comment about my dating/being married I can only say that like making money, if I lost it all I have no doubt that I could be successful again.

In the end, we may need to agree to disagree. I never had a problem that was important to me that I couldn't create a solution for including when I was dating.

Best regards.

 

[davidstorm]

Personally, I think it just depends. Marriage isn't for everybody, and if you are a fastlaner, and an intelligent idea guy/gal, then being legally and emotionally bound to a sidewalker would not only be bad for your business, but bad for your life!

I am married and my wife supports my interest in business. At first she didn't quite understand why a teacher would suddenly take an interest in business and money, but now she is 100% on board. In fact, we have a newborn and she is very cool with watching the baby for hours while I type, consult, etc. Since I run about 35 miles a week, she also understands that exercise is necessary for me to be happy and rarely does she pull the "it's your turn to watch the baby" card (for the record ladies, I do watch the baby). She is reading the MF book right now, and understands that it is a better use of time for her to entertain the baby while I work my butt off to start this business.

I also know guys that have shifted from a slowlane or sidewalker mentality mid-marriage, and their wives and kids weren't prepared to make the change. One I know actually told his wife and teenage daughter to either get on board or he'd have to move on. They did! It was funny because when he told his daughter he could never work for someone else again, she replied "well how will you make money then?"

I will admit my wife and kid can be major distractions at times, but sometimes my business is a distraction to enjoying my wife and kid!

 

[ClintonSkakun]

True. There's nothing wrong with being in a relationship. When you're living separately and you're just bf/gf, everything is great. If you want to stay out all night, your gf isn't going to get on your case and if she does, you can just dump her. But, when you get married you have to be home at a certain time or else your wife will suspect that you're cheating on her. You have to hand over some control of your finances to your wife even though when you were just dating you considered it 100% your money. And, if you don't get a pre-nup she walks away with half of your wealth even though she wasn't the one who earned it.

I just don't see why people would willingly give up their freedom just to be like everyone else. The societal pressure makes people get married around 30 years of age because they see all their friends doing it and they don't want to feel like the old single guy or single girl. So, they'd rather lose their freedom just so that they don't end up alone. And, studies show that for most marriages, the passion dies after the first 3 years.

Yeah, I agree. If you're going to be in a legally binding relationship, at least get a pre-nup. And there's chicks that get offended over pre-nups, as if every relationship that ends in family court starts off with the earmarks. The tell tale signs of a relationship that ends badly seems to be the same or good relationships. What can I say, humans seem to use their genitals to think when it comes to this stuff.

If we die old and alone, it probably wont be because we never got married or had kids. It's hard to say how we're going to die, or grow old. For the most part, I think it's a waste of time to plan what you're life is going to be like when you're 72. Largely it's up to chance. Who says we're not going to die next year, or that life's going to take a turn in a totally different direction. That's just the adventure of life.

 

[bflbob]

I would be curious to hear from those here who've been happily married for a long time what their thoughts are on separating accounts (Russ? Sonya?...Anyone...Bueller?)

34 years, joint accounts.

But, we each have our own joint accounts. Actually, now that I think about it, we have too many joint accounts.

 

[Darkside]

Wow... lucky for you old mom and dad didn't think that way!

Reminds me of a comedienne I saw the other day:

Son: If I'm such a pain, why did you have me then?

Mom: Well, we didn't know it was going to be you.

The flipside is that if they didn't decide to have me, then I wouldn't exist to care either way. Don't get me wrong; it's necessary for this process to happen. A certain segment of society should have kids so that we can have more people and the human race can progress into future generations. But, I don't think it hurts if a few people choose to abstain. After all, it's better for someone who doesn't want to have kids not to have them than to bring children into an environment where they won't be fully appreciated.

 

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[ClintonSkakun]

The flipside is that if they didn't decide to have me, then I wouldn't exist to care either way. Don't get me wrong; it's necessary for this process to happen. A certain segment of society should have kids so that we can have more people and the human race can progress into future generations. But, I don't think it hurts if a few people choose to abstain. After all, it's better for someone who doesn't want to have kids not to have them than to bring children into an environment where they won't be fully appreciated.

Haha, same POV I have.
I don't want kids or marriage. But a reason to have them wouldn't be "well, what if your parents never had you?" If my parents never had me I wouldn't have been alive to care. I suppose being non-existent/dead is like sleeping...you just don't recall anything.

 

[Rickson9]

My wife and I have been together for 10 years. Separate accounts. Different strokes for different folks!

 

[FastLearner]

Love doesn't pay the bills, honey.

Love is an illusion that the western world wants us to believe to encourage families and marriage, and those two main components are a hinderance to the fastlane lifestyle.
You want to make millions? Put the marriage and relationship on hold, if it's meant to be, it'll be. I don't see the hurry in adding on additional labels. I mean, what does that piece of paper TRULY mean? If you love her, just love her. There's no need for you to legally bind yourself into this contract, what if things go wrong? Realize that people change and the woman you're in love with now will change. Believe me. I've never been married but I know your situation, I've been in "love" many a time before..:smilielol:

 

[Lauryn]

You know where you are going, and you've made great strides to get there. Because of this, you have a strong foot on your future. You like this girl, you have the time and the money and the freedom... You just need to make sure she's on point and on your level. If she's supportive of you and cares, then when there is a will, there is a way.

However, the key is that you're not on the sidewalk just beginning. You're actually doing something, and it's there and it's working.

 

[FastLearner]

I think a good woman means everything. She is not an entrepreneur, but she supports me and never gives me shit. I love her to death and she makes me very happy.

You got VERY LUCKY. Not everyone can attest to having a partner who is selflessly supportive.

If she's supportive of you and cares, then when there is a will, there is a way.

I think to some degree relationships are a distraction and if she can support him without a commitment from him, I think it could work once he's where he feels he needs to be.

 

[FastLearner]

Business first. Once you have money...the girls tend to be hotter

Yup! No more settling for 5's and below!

lso, talk to the mother on the forum (Not sure her username) that raises her two kids while her husband is stationed elsewhere while trying to start a business. She posted her schedule in Omerta's thread, and she has hardly any time to do business stuff because the kids take up so much of her time

Moral of the story..Extra responsibilities weigh down your acceleration..(kids, wife..) Why do all of that now when you can literally have that once you've achieved success?

I don't see how slowlaners comfortably live their familial lives broke.. Or maybe I'm just that driven for success that I see no need for personal/romantic relationships

 

[FastLearner]

It amazes me when people tell me I 'got lucky' to have found my partner... uh... no. I went out and met alot of women until I found someone who was right for me. Most of them weren't worth my time no matter how hot they were.

Having a successful relationship isn't run like a business, sweetheart. People change over time and feelings do fade into "comfort".

 

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[Get Right]

...if you don't put the effort in you won't make it. Just like business.

 

[Texan]

I read the recent posts of this threat and I thought I would add my 2 cents worth.

I was never the "fastlane entrepreneur" type until I had a kid. My wife and I had both worked before he was born (I've been married 9 years) and from a "slowlane" perspective, we were doing everything right. But something about having a kid...I realized that I wanted more time with him and that we wanted to travel wherever we wanted as a family. Now I have a baby daughter too and nothing drives to success more than family. Yes, sometimes its stressful and yes sometimes I don't get as much done as I want to get done...but I would not be nearly to this point if I had remained unmarried and childless. But that is just me!

Peace!

 

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[FastLearner]

Correlation is not necessarily causation.

I would have to agree with you. I think it's better to be self-motivated rather than using a wife and child as motivation for a better life. You should want that for yourself married or not. Because marriages DO divorce, are you still going to be AS motivated when everything around you is falling apart? Just my 2 cents.

 

[Texan]

Because marriages DO divorce, are you still going to be AS motivated when everything around you is falling apart? Just my 2 cents.

For me personally, I would say yes. I think it took having kids for me to "grow up" and accept what was really possible.