Review my Copywriting

[LPPC]

Hey people!

This is my very shot at writing copy, so please bare with me. Later on I will have someone check the grammar for me, so don't worry about grammar for now I will be selling a costume for dogs. I will drive Facebook ads traffic to a Shopify product page where people can buy this item. I've censored some words because I don't want others to know what product it is.

Some feedback would be greatly appreciated.

The first part:

...... ........ Costume: Hours of Fun for You, Your Dog and Your Friends and Neighbours!

This .... together with your Lovely Dog will put on a heck of a .....! Have your beloved friend put a smile on every onlooker's face when strolling around wearing this cute and funny costume! He or she will strut with pride and revel in all the attention and love received from every onlooker.

Should I include the second part below? Is it effective? Or maybe it's unethical to use such a fear tactic?

All this attention and love may be the best cure for depression in dogs. Similar to their human counterparts, it is entirely possible (and surprisingly common) for our pet dogs to be depressed. In fact, a study of Britain’s dogs found that one in four (!) of them suffered from depression. Don't let that be YOUR dog!

That's it. I don't think I should write more than that on my product page...

I'm also wondering whether my use of capital letters is correct.

Thanks in advance for the help!

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Lex DeVille]

Hey people!

This is my very shot at writing copy, so please bare with me. Later on I will have someone check the grammar for me, so don't worry about grammar for now I will be selling a costume for dogs. I will drive Facebook ads traffic to a Shopify product page where people can buy this item. I've censored some words because I don't want others to know what product it is.

Some feedback would be greatly appreciated.

The first part:

...... ........ Costume: Hours of Fun for You, Your Dog and Your Friends and Neighbours!

This .... together with your Lovely Dog will put on a heck of a .....! Have your beloved friend put a smile on every onlooker's face when strolling around wearing this cute and funny costume! He or she will strut with pride and revel in all the attention and love received from every onlooker.

Should I include the second part below? Is it effective? Or maybe it's unethical to use such a fear tactic?

All this attention and love may be the best cure for depression in dogs. Similar to their human counterparts, it is entirely possible (and surprisingly common) for our pet dogs to be depressed. In fact, a study of Britain’s dogs found that one in four (!) of them suffered from depression. Don't let that be YOUR dog!

That's it. I don't think I should write more than that on my product page...

I'm also wondering whether my use of capital letters is correct.

Thanks in advance for the help!

Your capital letters are fine, but your headline doesn't feel very targeted and reads slow and blah.

The bit about depression is the one part that does work. That should be your first paragraph.

If you can weave it into more of a story rather than a study it would be even better.

Story first, then back it up with the study.

Right now the first paragraph is blah, but in all honesty I don't think I would have read beyond the headline.

(unless I saw the picture and already wanted what you offer)

Questions for you to consider (don't have to answer here):
• What problem does this solve?
• How can you add that to your headline?
• What story can you tell to make it more engaging? (doesn't have to be anything crazy)
• If you were looking at this product, what would it REALLY have to say for you to care?

 

[LPPC]

Your capital letters are fine, but your headline doesn't feel very targeted and reads slow and blah.

The bit about depression is the one part that does work. That should be your first paragraph.

If you can weave it into more of a story rather than a study it would be even better.

Story first, then back it up with the study.

Right now the first paragraph is blah, but in all honesty I don't think I would have read beyond the headline.

(unless I saw the picture and already wanted what you offer)

Questions for you to consider (don't have to answer here):
• What problem does this solve?
• How can you add that to your headline?
• What story can you tell to make it more engaging? (doesn't have to be anything crazy)
• If you were looking at this product, what would it REALLY have to say for you to care?

Thank you for the helpful feedback!

Great, so the second paragraph is something we can work with. So if the problem that this costume solves is depression, then my headline should point towards the alleviation and prevention of depression in dogs, am I right?

I will rewrite it completely in a storytelling way. I will report back with what I've come up with.

 

[GDalf]

I agree with the above poster. One of my first thoughts when writing copy is "what emotion am I trying to evoke from my audience?" In this scenario, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you're not trying to sell a costume because of the "fun" for everyone involved. After all, what's so fun about a dog costume for people? And does the dog really have "fun" wearing it? I wouldn't say that is the primary goal.

Instead, I would focus on those bolded words of yours..."attention" and "love". Why would I want a costume for my dog? Not because it's fun for me, but because it's cute and will garner attention. Try and hit that note in your audiences mind by explaining how they will get more attention, how their dog will be that much cuter, and how everyone will be happier because of it.

Best of luck!

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[thesearementos]

Well, for what it's worth... I wasn't even motivated to read it, and I purposely clicked to review your copy.

 

[LPPC]

I agree with the above poster. One of my first thoughts when writing copy is "what emotion am I trying to evoke from my audience?" In this scenario, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you're not trying to sell a costume because of the "fun" for everyone involved. After all, what's so fun about a dog costume for people? And does the dog really have "fun" wearing it? I wouldn't say that is the primary goal.

Instead, I would focus on those bolded words of yours..."attention" and "love". Why would I want a costume for my dog? Not because it's fun for me, but because it's cute and will garner attention. Try and hit that note in your audiences mind by explaining how they will get more attention, how their dog will be that much cuter, and how everyone will be happier because of it.

Best of luck!

Thank you, very helpful. Stay tuned for the rewritten version

@thesearementos
Thanks man, I will make it better.

 

[LPPC]

So do you guys think it's better to market this product as a solution/aid for depression or should I just market it as something to buy to have fun?

I don't know whether it's realistic to market a costume (that will draw attention and love to your dog) as prevention for dog depression...

Any thoughts are appreciated!

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[KSR]

So do you guys think it's better to market this product as a solution/aid for depression or should I just market it as something to buy to have fun?

I don't know whether it's realistic to market a costume (that will draw attention and love to your dog) as prevention for dog depression...

Any thoughts are appreciated!

Have you checked your competition? Are they focusing mainly on the 'fun' or 'depression aid' side of things? Maybe you should check that out first before deciding.

 

[LPPC]

Have you checked your competition? Are they focusing mainly on the 'fun' or 'depression aid' side of things? Maybe you should check that out first before deciding.

Well, the only competition I've found is on Amazon and they focus on the fun or nothing at all. The competition is also very small. So I don't think that modeling what they do is necessarily a good idea.

 

[GDalf]

This is coming from someone who has never owned a dog, so take it with a grain of salt, but I think the depression part is a bit of a stretch. If you want to go forward with it, I'd make sure that your claims about dog depression are very factually accurate, because it can be a sensitive topic. When I first read it, I was more in disbelief than anything.

I would stick to the fun/attention getting/love aspects of it

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[KSR]

Well, the only competition I've found is on Amazon and they focus on the fun or nothing at all. The competition is also very small. So I don't think that modeling what they do is necessarily a good idea.

I'd probably stick with the fun side of things, but it's still a good idea to mention that it can cure depression (if factually accurate).

This is coming from someone who has never owned a dog, so take it with a grain of salt, but I think the depression part is a bit of a stretch. If you want to go forward with it, I'd make sure that your claims about dog depression are very factually accurate, because it can be a sensitive topic. When I first read it, I was more in disbelief than anything.

I would stick to the fun/attention getting/love aspects of it

If you're referring to the fact that dogs can get depression, I can tell you very much so that it's a real thing. However, if you're referring to the statistics he used - I can't vouch for that.

 

[LPPC]

Dogs can certainly get depression and the statistics are true also:
One in four dogs 'suffering depression'

The study says that dogs are being left alone when owners go to work and thus they get too little human interaction which is bad for them. Domestic dogs are used to human interaction so they need it.

That's the reason I thought, this costume will certainly bring more attention to the dog, for example when you walk the dog and the dog is wearing this costume, then bystanders will find it very cute and will give attention to the dog. This attention will make up for the lack of attention when the owners are not at home...

So yeah, it might be a good idea, but it can also be a bit of a stretch indeed...

 

[KSR]

Dogs can certainly get depression and the statistics are true also:
One in four dogs 'suffering depression'

The study says that dogs are being left alone when owners go to work and thus they get too little human interaction which is bad for them. Domestic dogs are used to human interaction so they need it.

That's the reason I thought, this costume will certainly bring more attention to the dog, for example when you walk the dog and the dog is wearing this costume, then bystanders will find it very cute and will give attention to the dog. This attention will make up for the lack of attention when the owners are not at home...

So yeah, it might be a good idea, but it can also be a bit of a stretch indeed...

I think your reasoning is clutching at straws a little bit. It may be a part of the problem, but there's definitely a bigger picture; however business is business - no harm in trying if it gets you sales!

My brothers dog actually had anxiety (I think pretty common with French Bulldogs) - there was some vest thing that they bought him that actually helped a little bit.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[LPPC]

I think your reasoning is clutching at straws a little bit. It may be a part of the problem, but there's definitely a bigger picture; however business is business - no harm in trying if it gets you sales!

My brothers dog actually had anxiety (I think pretty common with French Bulldogs) - there was some vest thing that they bought him that actually helped a little bit.

Yes, I feel the same way. Maybe it's better to mainly talk about the fun and have a sentence or two about not getting enough attention can lead to depression.

I'm curious as to what @SinisterLex has to say about this.

 

[GDalf]

That's the reason I thought, this costume will certainly bring more attention to the dog, for example when you walk the dog and the dog is wearing this costume, then bystanders will find it very cute and will give attention to the dog. This attention will make up for the lack of attention when the owners are not at home...

This is exactly what I would focus on, maybe with a tiny mention of depression at the end. As I explained in my first response in the thread, you should aim for attention/love/cuteness. What you describe is something that most dog-owners who are looking to buy costumers are looking for, that cuteness and attention factor

 

[KSR]

This is exactly what I would focus on, maybe with a tiny mention of depression at the end. As I explained in my first response in the thread, you should aim for attention/love/cuteness. What you describe is something that most dog-owners who are looking to buy costumers are looking for, that cuteness and attention factor

Precisely what @GDalf said, I'd mention the whole depression thing at some point - but I don't think that people would primarily buy a 'fun' Dog costume to cure its depression - there's probably medication for that.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Lex DeVille]

This is coming from someone who has never owned a dog, so take it with a grain of salt, but I think the depression part is a bit of a stretch. If you want to go forward with it, I'd make sure that your claims about dog depression are very factually accurate, because it can be a sensitive topic. When I first read it, I was more in disbelief than anything.

I would stick to the fun/attention getting/love aspects of it

If you have a dog and you believe it is your best friend, not something you own, (as is true of every dog person I've ever met) then depression becomes a MAJOR problem, one which the dog itself cannot deal with because it isn't capable of doing so because of the nature of it being a dog. Therefore the owner not only carries the responsibility of helping the dog, but the weight of NOT helping cure the dog's depression -- the pain and burden of their best friend's misery because they choose not to do something about it.

This is the difference between targeting a mass market and a niche audience. Not every dog lover believes their pup has depression, and the goal isn't to educate everyone on dog depression either. If OP approaches from a depression angle, then the goal is simply to market to the appropriate segment of people who do believe their dog has depression and who feel it is a HUGE problem in their lives. Those are the people who will buy this product to satisfy their desire for their best friend to not feel sad and depressed and for their selves to not have to feel bad for being the only person in the world who can help, but isn't doing so because they don't want to put up a little cash.

Whether OP goes with a fun angle or a depression angle, in this situation (to me at least) it seems it's an either/or deal. If OP goes with fun/happy, then depression probably shouldn't be part of it. If OP goes with depression, then that should be the sole focus. The one OP chooses to stick with should be the one that gets the best results.

 

[KSR]

If you have a dog and you believe it is your best friend, not something you own, (as is true of every dog person I've ever met) then depression becomes a MAJOR problem, one which the dog itself cannot deal with because it isn't capable of doing so because of the nature of it being a dog. Therefore the owner not only carries the responsibility of helping the dog, but the weight of NOT helping cure the dog's depression -- the pain and burden of their best friend's misery because they choose not to do something about it.

This is the difference between targeting a mass market and a niche audience. Not every dog lover believes their pup has depression, and the goal isn't to educate everyone on dog depression either. If OP approaches from a depression angle, then the goal is simply to market to the appropriate segment of people who do believe their dog has depression and who feel it is a HUGE problem in their lives. Those are the people who will buy this product to satisfy their desire for their best friend to not feel sad and depressed and for their selves to not have to feel bad for being the only person in the world who can help, but isn't doing so because they don't want to put up a little cash.

Whether OP goes with a fun angle or a depression angle, in this situation (to me at least) it seems it's an either/or deal. If OP goes with fun/happy, then depression probably shouldn't be part of it. If OP goes with depression, then that should be the sole focus. The one OP chooses to stick with should be the one that gets the best results.

Does that mean he should probably be changing his product whichever one he chooses?

So if @LPPC decides to go with depression, would they be better off with a more serious design - eg. a black normal vest over something quirky like a bee.

 

[Lex DeVille]

Does that mean he should probably be changing his product whichever one he chooses?

So if @LPPC decides to go with depression, would they be better off with a more serious design - eg. a black normal vest over something quirky like a bee.

Not necessarily. He needs to test variations before making big decisions like that. Testing is the only way to know for sure what works and what doesn't.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[KSR]

Not necessarily. He needs to test variations before making big decisions like that. Testing is the only way to know for sure what works and what doesn't.

How would you test it?

Would buying 5-10 of each, putting them on Amazon and seeing which one sells faster work?

 

[LPPC]

If you have a dog and you believe it is your best friend, not something you own, (as is true of every dog person I've ever met) then depression becomes a MAJOR problem, one which the dog itself cannot deal with because it isn't capable of doing so because of the nature of it being a dog. Therefore the owner not only carries the responsibility of helping the dog, but the weight of NOT helping cure the dog's depression -- the pain and burden of their best friend's misery because they choose not to do something about it.

This is the difference between targeting a mass market and a niche audience. Not every dog lover believes their pup has depression, and the goal isn't to educate everyone on dog depression either. If OP approaches from a depression angle, then the goal is simply to market to the appropriate segment of people who do believe their dog has depression and who feel it is a HUGE problem in their lives. Those are the people who will buy this product to satisfy their desire for their best friend to not feel sad and depressed and for their selves to not have to feel bad for being the only person in the world who can help, but isn't doing so because they don't want to put up a little cash.

Whether OP goes with a fun angle or a depression angle, in this situation (to me at least) it seems it's an either/or deal. If OP goes with fun/happy, then depression probably shouldn't be part of it. If OP goes with depression, then that should be the sole focus. The one OP chooses to stick with should be the one that gets the best results.

This is so helpful for me, thank you so much! +rep transferred
I think it will be very hard, if not impossible to target people who think their dogs have depression. For example there is no facebook page that is about dog depression or dog mental health I can target. So that might be a problem, or not. The only reason to find out is indeed to just test it

How would you test it?

Would buying 5-10 of each, putting them on Amazon and seeing which one sells faster work?

In this instance, I won't change the product. The product stays the same. Only the copy on my website and the facebook ads targeting will be different for the two options. Remember, I sell on my own (shopify) store.

 

[Almantas]

IMHO depression part should be kicked-off. How do you know that attention a dog receives will cure his/her depression? Maybe he/she will feel humiliated wearing this costume? I think you're going into a dangerously unnecessary field with a depression part. If I were you, I would concentrate my efforts on a 'fun' part - make sure it's funny, catchy and has an explicit call to action.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[LPPC]

IMHO depression part should be kicked-off. How do you know that attention a dog receives will cure his/her depression? Maybe he/she will feel humiliated wearing this costume? I think you're going into a dangerously unnecessary field with a depression part. If I were you, I would concentrate my efforts on a 'fun' part - make sure it's funny, catchy and has an explicit call to action.

Well, there are many sites stating that when a dog is depressed, giving him extra attention and love helps. For now, I'm indeed focusing on the fun part I want to reach a big audience first and see whether that will work.

I have rewritten the copy, any feedback is greatly appreciated:


''Hey there! It’s me, your dog.

I have a little something I’ve been wanting to tell you. I really love it when I get to strut around wearing the (censored) Costume you got me recently! It feels so comfortable, so soft and it fits me perfectly! Having (censored) (censored) (censored) makes for a hell of an entertaining (censored), everywhere I go.

I enjoy entertaining you, your friends, family or any other onlooker by wearing the costume, but I secretly enjoy all the attention and love I get from it waaaay more. See, everywhere I go I turn heads. I put a smile on people’s faces and they think I’m so cute and adorable because of wearing the costume. Well, not only because of the costume of course. I’m handsome and cute without it too you know. They give me so much attention and love that it’s pretty hard to have a bad day.

I know you want me to be happy. So please, have me wear the (censored) Costume more often!''