My EMBARRASSING copy from 2 years ago...redone today...

[csalvato]

Two years ago I set out to be an entrepreneur, quit my job, and started hustling trying to get web development jobs to pay the bills.

I was recently clearing out my inbox and found an old piece of copy from when I was just starting. Looking back, I am really embarrassed at how self-centered and insensitive my copy was back then.

I realized that now, I could write this a whole lot better even on the first pass.

I decided to do this for myself as an experiment, and figured why not share. Less experienced people can learn; and more experienced people can help me if they want.

------------------------
Old Letter

Subject: DB Autos - Improving Your Web Site

Hello,

My name is Chris Salvato and I own a Web Design Company called Swift Archer.

I specialize in working with small businesses like yours to increase sales by improving your web site. Have you thought about updating your web site recently? I have given your website's design some thought, and put together a mock-up of an example of a new site that might work well for you:

Mockup
http://www.[redacted].com/demos/auto-trader-demo.png

I have improved the web sites of:

• Small companies like [redacted] (http://swiftarcher.[redacted].com)
• Established companies like [redacted] (http://www.[redacted].com)

As a fellow small business owner, I know that time and effort are valuable. It is hard to learn how to make a beautiful website when your business has other demands.

Within a few weeks time, we can have a beautiful, professionally made, bespoke web site completed for your company. My services include all of the following:

1. Handle the technical details of creating your web site
2. Design your web site stand out
3. Install tracking software - see how people are using your website
4. Easy to add more in the future.

If you are interested in learning more, you can contact me at [redacted], email me directly, or have a look at my portfolio below.

Portfolio
http://www.[redacted].com/portfolio/

Thanks for reading my email. I look forward to working with you soon!

Cheers,

Chris
------------------------------------------

------------------
New Letter

Subject: One thing DB Autos can do to dramatically increase profits...

Do you know the #1 way people are finding businesses like DB Autos today?

No one looks in the yellow pages anymore, that's for sure.

Relics like books and pages have been replaced with computers, tablets and phones. And when people want to find a business like DB Autos, the first thing they do is search for "check engine light" or "car repairs" on the internet.

Sometimes that's on Google. Sometimes that's on Yelp. But either way, once those users find you (if you're even LISTED), they will JUDGE YOU based on the quality of your website.

If your website hasn't been done in years, then your potential customers won't trust you. And if they don't trust you, they won't use your services. That's unfortunate, because DB Autos is probably a really good business.

So if you want to do one thing to dramatically increase profits this year, you should invest in your website so new customers trust you instantly.

If that sounds like something you want to do, hit REPLY and say "Tell me more!" and I will let you know how you can dramatically increase revenues this year for less than $1500.

-Chris Salvato
Website Specialist
<link to article where I have been featured for being awesome>
------------------------

Always interested in opinions on both. Would be particularly interested in @IceCreamKid's opinion.

 

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[MitchC]

I like both, have you tested the conversion rate, or noticed any difference in them both? The first one seems more personal

 

[allthatjazz]

Also curious about conversion rate differences.

I get these emails all the time. I have to admit, the first one looked pretty good to me, I especially like the mockup idea. Especially if it was embedded into the email and caught the eye right away, speaking for myself, that would blow my mind seeing how someone took the time.

Showing this mockup freely also gives some sweet value add, even if the last thing on my mind is redesigning that particular page. With that .png burnt into my mind, I'd remember to consider you when new work is needed. The guy that gives free mock ups!

In comparison, titles like the 2nd email make it into my spam folder 100% of the time.

Maybe I'm biased?

 

[Kyle Tully]

Always interested in opinions on both. Would be particularly interested in @IceCreamKid's opinion.

Are these cold emails?

If so the major issue with both is you're trying to go from "I've never met you before" to "let's get married".

In fact I would avoid any kind of selling in your first contact.

One because it's difficult to differentiate yourself from all the other spammers (you are a spammer from point of view), and two, because it immediately puts you in the position of chasing the prospect which is a bad place to be.

Start a conversation. See how you can provide value. Be the prize.

 

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[RogueInnovation]

Big improvement. I've had those first emails a lot and ignored them so fast.
Second one said "you are probably a good business" and went past rapport building/getting us on the same team a bit too fast.

But it is much better from what little I know

 

[IceCreamKid]

Always interested in opinions on both. Would be particularly interested in @IceCreamKid's opinion.

Huge improvement on the second one.

I'd help tweak things further, but the reality is I don't know your target market and where their "hot buttons" are. It takes time to research and understand your customer. With that said, I'd avoid trying to sell anything on the initial contact because people are naturally quite suspicious of others. I'd prefer to establish an authority position by first giving them a lot of free, valuable content. Free content builds rapport and trust(that's why MJ offers the first few chapters of his book free).

I'm super busy with stuff going on in my personal life right now, but if you need help with copywriting for your biz then PM me and I'll do my best to help you out.
Best of luck, my friend.

 

[Travis.I]

I like the first subject title. The 2nd one just, just screams affiliate product or some shit.


Also, could you explain why you think the first copy sucks compared to the new and revised version?


Thanks.

 

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[JoeB]

I prefer the first one, by far.

 

[MitchC]

I forget what he calls it but Gary Halbert uses a technique where he takes you out of the copy and to where he is to break it up, you could use something similar in the second one to make it more personal.

I can't really think of a good example right now as I'm writing this while I sip martinis on the beach in Thailand, the ladies next to me are laughing hysterically, it's so distracting! Is an example of what I'm talking about.

Second thing, USE A NAME!

I'm not a copywriting expert but I took the opportunity to have a practice.

Subject: Chris, I'm trying to BOOK a table and I have a PROBLEM! Please HELP?

Hi Chris,

You have a great business! I just love the concept of combining Mediterranean food with Burgers! My wife's friend keeps recommending we check it out, however, I have a problem!

I just got home from work, LATE as usual, and straight away my wife starts hassling me to make a booking at your restaurant! I rang 3 times but nobody answered! My wife was getting impatient so naturally I looked up your website. After fumbling around it for a few minutes I still hadn't worked out how to book! In the mean time my wife booked a table the same restaurant we normally go to, as such we are still are yet to experience your wonderful food!

Luckily for you, I have a passion for web design and using my talents to help business's just like yours take their web presence from 0 to 100, resulting in more customers, and ultimately, you making more money!

How many people do you think every single day have the same problem trying to book as me! Plenty I'm sure, it's 2014 after all... and just think how many MORE people would find you if you ranked Number 1 in Google for Mediterranean food LA! If you did, would your website make them want to eat there? Not right now it wouldn't, I can't even figure out how to book and spent all day online!

Because I think there is so much potential for you here, I have taken the time to help you out, here is a free redesign of your site, I'm sure you agree it will attract you many new customers!

If you would like to arrange a time for us to sit down and discuss what the next step would be to solve our problem and start dominating the LA restaurant scene with your fresh new site, just send an email or give me a call! Otherwise, if anyone ever picks up the phone when my wife next hassles me to book I'll see you then, I just can't wait to try your famous lobster salad!

Have a great day Chris, I look forward to hearing from you

Happy cooking!

Mitch

Mitch's Web Design
012 345 6789

 

[MJ DeMarco]

I liked both. The second one started well but finished poorly. Why not include the mockup in the second one, instead of "tell me more!" -- the thing about copy is if it appears to hypee or sales like, you'll turn people off. Also dropping the price in the email is probably a bad idea. If you get someone on the phone, your chances of closing a deal increase -- the price might turn potential customers away, especially those who might have their upper budget pegged at around $1000.

Thanks for sharing your process. In terms of raw copy, you definitely switched a gear.

 

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[contract]

Change subject to this and you'll see a better open rate/response.

Before:
Subject: One thing DB Autos can do to dramatically increase profits...

After:
Subject: 1 simple thing you can do to skyrocket DB Autos profits today...

 

[Gitrokr]

The first thing I notice is the first letter was all about you and the second was focused on the prospect and the problem. I would agree with others and pile on the value in the first contact. Give so much value that they raise their hands and say, "uuummm, help!" without you having to "sell" them.

 

[Jinxus]

Honestly, this sounds harsh, but I preferred the first one. You were a whole lot more personable and I felt like I could relate to you as a person. The second one seemed like something I'd get in my inbox and be like, "the F*ck, why didn't my spam box catch this?" I can't connect with you at all in the second one, which personally, kills it for me.

MJ hit the nail on the head with his response.

 

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[Vagabond 007]

First one is definitely more about you. Second one in my eyes sounds pretty salesy (is that a word?). And it's a bit long for my liking.

Dean Jackson has this thing he calls the 9 word email (doesn't have to be exactly 9 words, but the point is it's short). An example would be a Realtor emailing old leads with "Bob, are you still interested in selling your home?"

It's a good way to make it personal. It's to the point. It asks a good question. It's short. At first people may only reply back with something short like "yes" because they aren't sure if it's an autoresponder or not. Once you reply back again, they will open up a little more when they realize it's an actual person.

How can you apply this to your business?

 

[MitchC]

Does anyone have any feedback on mine? I might be highjacking the thread a bit but I'm trying to improve my copy as well as help him

 

[csalvato]

Wow lots of replies. I want to get to each/most of them. Some quick notes:

1. Re: A/B tests: I did not A/B test this copy. I won't even be sending out the other letter because doing other people's web design/dev work is a horrible way to make money.
2. Re: Original Results: I DID sent out Version A as a cold email to about 200 businesses 2 years ago. I got 0 replies.
3. Re: "I prefer Version A!": Version A might be better than Version B. Only a test can prove that, but Version B is better than Version A in my opinion. Will go into more details in a sec, but if I had to put $100 on one version of copy it would be version B.
4. Re: Version B still kind of sucking: I wrote Version A after 2-3 days of trying to formulate a great email. I wrote Version B at 2:00 AM in < 5 minutes. Thus the embarrassment of the quality of Version A.
5. Re: How did you improve? No one asked this directly, but if anyone is wondering, I learned mostly by doing/swiping over 1.5 years for an email funnel I created. A few months ago, I read a few of the books recommended in the 30-day copywriting challenge and am halfway done with CA$HVERTISING.

I like both, have you tested the conversion rate, or noticed any difference in them both? The first one seems more personal

No test - I won't even send the second one out because I gave up on that business for good reason. I just thought I could write it better today.

The only problem is that the level of detail you go into is likely going to take a lot of time to research going in cold. Some things would need to be abstracted so that a more generic template could be used.

With cold emails, volume sometimes works better than quality because, chances are, 99.99% of people don't need your services even if you had them sold on your expertise. (For example, they don't care about their website, never read their email, don't have a budget, etc.)

Also curious about conversion rate differences.

I get these emails all the time. I have to admit, the first one looked pretty good to me, I especially like the mockup idea. Especially if it was embedded into the email and caught the eye right away, speaking for myself, that would blow my mind seeing how someone took the time.

Showing this mockup freely also gives some sweet value add, even if the last thing on my mind is redesigning that particular page. With that .png burnt into my mind, I'd remember to consider you when new work is needed. The guy that gives free mock ups!

In comparison, titles like the 2nd email make it into my spam folder 100% of the time.

Maybe I'm biased?

I think the reason the first one looks "better" to some people is because it sounds a little less salesy and a little more personal (since I am talking about me me me all the time).

But you aren't reading like a real reader in the wild. You are reading on because of the title of this post (which was an exercise in copy within itself). The title of this post captured your attention, and you wanted to read the content, so you read it, then judged it.

People in the wild aren't reading like that. If the subject doesn't catch attention, then they don't even open it. And if the first line doesn't inspire attention, curiosity or desire, then they delete it with a quick scan. And that scan would have showed several links that the brain registers as (1) spam and (2) stuff they have do to that takes time and effort [clicking, reading, etc.].

Now, Version B would probably hit the spam/junk/trash folder most times too, especially cold. But the copy is still better and I would bet it gets a better response rate than Version A.

Are these cold emails?

If so the major issue with both is you're trying to go from "I've never met you before" to "let's get married".

In fact I would avoid any kind of selling in your first contact.

One because it's difficult to differentiate yourself from all the other spammers (you are a spammer from point of view), and two, because it immediately puts you in the position of chasing the prospect which is a bad place to be.

Start a conversation. See how you can provide value. Be the prize.

Yeah they were both cold. You raise an awesome point, and I think this tip alone can dramatically increase the quality of the copy and the response rate. I've updated the copy of Version 2 below to take these into account.

Huge improvement on the second one.

I'd help tweak things further, but the reality is I don't know your target market and where their "hot buttons" are. It takes time to research and understand your customer. With that said, I'd avoid trying to sell anything on the initial contact because people are naturally quite suspicious of others. I'd prefer to establish an authority position by first giving them a lot of free, valuable content. Free content builds rapport and trust(that's why MJ offers the first few chapters of his book free).

I'm super busy with stuff going on in my personal life right now, but if you need help with copywriting for your biz then PM me and I'll do my best to help you out.
Best of luck, my friend.

Thanks! Don't need any help just yet, but when I get around to launching my next biz (in research/talking to people phase), I may be in touch.

I forget what he calls it but Gary Halbert uses a technique where he takes you out of the copy and to where he is to break it up, you could use something similar in the second one to make it more personal.

I really liked your approach. I would have probably used your letter over mine if you presented it to me and I was really going to send them out.

I liked both. The second one started well but finished poorly. Why not include the mockup in the second one, instead of "tell me more!" -- the thing about copy is if it appears to hypee or sales like, you'll turn people off. Also dropping the price in the email is probably a bad idea. If you get someone on the phone, your chances of closing a deal increase -- the price might turn potential customers away, especially those who might have their upper budget pegged at around $1000.

Agree and agree and agree. Made changes based on this recurring theme I am seeing. Value + conversation rather than immediate sale.

Thanks for sharing your process. In terms of raw copy, you definitely switched a gear.

You're welcome and thanks! Glad I could help even a little for other people here.

Change subject to this and you'll see a better open rate/response.

Before:
Subject: One thing DB Autos can do to dramatically increase profits...

After:
Subject: 1 simple thing you can do to skyrocket DB Autos profits today...

+1. I like that. I think there are a few things here that make it better:

1. The use of a number, which is abnormal thus eye catching.
2. "Skyrocket" = emotive and bold
3. "Simple" = emotive and intriguing (plus people like simple)
4. "Today" = invokes immediacy & simplicity

Honestly, this sounds harsh, but I preferred the first one. You were a whole lot more personable and I felt like I could relate to you as a person. The second one seemed like something I'd get in my inbox and be like, "the F*ck, why didn't my spam box catch this?" I can't connect with you at all in the second one, which personally, kills it for me.

MJ hit the nail on the head with his response.

I don't think that's harsh; though I do think you're opinion of the first one is skewed because you're a critic as opposed to a potential customer.

It didn't convert. Now, I don't know if the second one will convert either, but I KNOW the first one didn't get a response. I would almost certainly say that Version C or D (below) have a much better shot than the first two I posted.

How can you apply this to your business?

This copy critique? Right now, I am getting so much value out of the little things in this post -- even your 9-word emails tidbit (see Version D below).

I am researching my next venture right now, and making phone calls. Once I reach out to new customers, this better copy writing will surely help me get the ball rolling..

Here's an updated version based on feedback from @Kyle Tully , @IceCreamKid, @MJ DeMarco, @Gitrokr
--------
Version C

Subject: 1 simple thing you can do to skyrocket DB Autos profits today...

Do you know the #1 way people are finding businesses like DB Autos today?

No one looks in the yellow pages anymore, that's for sure.

Relics like books and pages have been replaced with computers, tablets and phones. And when people want to get find a mechanic like DB Autos, the first thing they do is search for "check engine light" or "car repairs" on the internet.

Sometimes that's on Google. Sometimes that's on Yelp. But either way, once those users find you (if you're even LISTED), they will JUDGE YOU based on the quality of your website.

If your website hasn't been done in years, then your potential customers won't trust you. And if they don't trust you, they won't use your services. That's unfortunate, because DB Autos is probably a really good business.

So if you want to do one thing to dramatically increase profits this year, you should consider the impact your website has on your business.

Now, I am a developer that specializes in web design for small local businesses like DB Autos. I have helped small and large businesses increase revenues by up to 200% by making small changes to their website.

Here's what I would do to your website to increase your profits this year:

<annotated before/after mockup image>

I would be happy to have a quick, FREE conversation with you on the phone about how we can make this happen. The conversation is free, and you don't even need to leave your garage or office.

If that sounds like something you want to do, hit REPLY and let me know you want to learn more...

-Chris Salvato
Website Specialist
<link to article where I have been featured for being awesome>

"Chris really knows what local businesses need to do to generate more money on the web. Our first five minute call was worth thousands to my business, and he did it for free!" - Ellen H, Small Business Owner, Former Client


---------------------
Here's a shorter version for @Vagabond 007 , that would probably be worth testing against Version C.
--------------------

Version D

Subject: 1 simple thing you can do to skyrocket DB Autos profits today...

Is DB Autos interested in revamping their website?

I'm a web developer with a track record of helping local businesses make more money. There's 1 simple thing you can do to change everything...

If you want to learn more, reply back to learn how I could help you.

<image of before/after of their site w/annotations>

-Chris

 

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