Intro - my harsh FTE

[Maxkaz]

Hello, everyone!

My name is Max, I am an Israeli and this is my first and probably last post on this forum. I’ve registered some months ago, spent some minutes here and left. I was reading “Millionair fastlane” at the time and it clicked, but not enough to get social.

What pushed me now to write this post is MJ’s elaboration on his “F*ck this” event and particularly his brief mentioning of suicidal thoughts and all that followed. This did not click. This CLICKED and CRACKED, especially when I reviewed my diary for the period and followed my thought process around my FTE. And I really can’t continue reading until I share my story.

First I need to mention that my FTE was genuine. It was an emotional outburst so prominent that I literary crafted a suicide plan and went on with it. By the end of that day I would’ve been dead as a rock if not an unexpected relief came out from the blue.

But let me tell you all of it step by step. I feel it is important to tell because it shows one flaw I now percieve in MJ’s “unscripted ” ideology. It seams to me now that “unscripted ” is also a script of our brain some of us get into in certain circumstances.

First things first, who am I? As I mentioned, I am an Israeli citizen. I moved to this country from Russia in 2019, right after I got my very late Pharmacy diploma. I am 36 now, so I got my grade at 32.

If you watch any youtube video on Israel economy you will find out that our prosperity even whenfacing so many foes is based on a very clever and educated populace which builds and maintains startups and unicorns like California in it’s prime. But what might look like a golden shaft for any outside investor, looks different from an immigrant’s perspective. When everyone around you is educated it is like everyone is not. Diploma becomes garbage for all intents and purposes. More trivial things like knowing Hebrew and right people become more valuable.

My first semi-FTE happen to me at 24th of February 2022. It was the day Russia attacked Ukraine. Although being a self-help junkie and an aspiring entrepreneur since middle school, I now understand that I almost always followed the path of least resistance. My one and only tough decision which involved process was to get to the University for a medical degree at age 24 and to finish it the best. Both targets achieved, both did not bring any fulfillment. And in Israel not knowing what to do I went for a PhD in the local University, but worked slowly and uninspired.

The start of war brought shock, disbelief and many-many-many refugees. In some weeks my home was swallowing with both Russians and Ukranians trying to flee from the war. So I dropped PhD, went for 9-5 and joined a start-up team for my free time. Who would have known that to actually get from being a kidult to some seriousness one need to witness former home country to bomb it’s neibour?

During next year 3 important things happened. My marriage died in wartime flames. I moved from major city of Haifa to a small town closer to work. And on my 1 year work anniversary I got fired from the company due to staff cut-off just weeks after I signed a year lease for my new “close to work, far from anywhere else” appartment (hello, commandment of control).

This is where my disaster which eventually led to FTE happened. After 3 months of fruitless job search I finally found a position in a pharmaceutical company. 1.5 hours commute (total 3 hours per day), less salary than before and a shitty scripted cog-in-a-system job with lots of parasitic debt I couldn’t sustain, no will from my bank to lower my payments and absolutely no time to pursuit any goals other then keep some fitness going on. It took me 2 months with at most 300 shekels for food for me and my dogs monthly to break down. I started to think of suicide, day and night. I went to bed with this thought and woke up with it. I imagined various scenaries and dreamed of a “kill myself” button which would end everything fast and painless. I still wonder what would happen if everyone on the planet would get such a button.

This situation climaxed one payday when I got a bit less money than I expected. My miscalculation and I was not prepared to this. Money was not enough to not only to feed myself and the dogs, but also to pay rent and debt. I literary spent all of my salary before I got it. Then it finally happened. I realised with all my heart that today is the day that I die. I had two thought through scenaries in my mind, both fast and as painless as possible. I was to send a message to my former wife to take care of my pets and depart.

With those thoughts (more accurately - hopes) I’ve spent my “last” day at work. It was a shitty day. An always hard-working me slacked in every task. I was just waiting for the end of the day to not rise suspicions by leaving too early.

If I was a religious person, I would consider what happened next a miracle. But since I am not - I think of it as a very lucky coincidence. Suddenly an unexpected money came in. A small sum I get around once every 6-8 months, completely unrelated to myself. It suddenly came in and covered my gap. I could breath and think again. I analyzed my situation and understood that this is a chance which won’t last, but it is a chance.

I went home and instead of killing myself, I wrote my first ever personal ad. I am a handy man, I know how to fix an electric socket or a water tap. So that was what I wrote - a simple ad with my photo on it, describing all what I can do for money. I’ve put it on some town groups in Telegram and Facebook. And it brought clients and some money.

This is awkward. Note that by that time I never saw “Millionair fastlane”, let alone “Unscripted ” which I am reading now. And yet, the answer to the crisis was simple - get out there and become an entrepreneur.

Since then much was thought of and many things changed. I identified my fallacies and fears. I joined my first “real business” which lacked all the commandments except for need. It failed spectacularly when my “brand master” encountered financial problems and solved it with the help of me being dependent on him in my decisions. So I learned. I quitted my shitty pharma job and joined another, even more shitty factory job, but closer to home so I have time for learning and doing entrepreneurial stuff. I am launching my second “real business” now. It will have need and control (since on control I got burned last time) but lack entry, scale and time. With it I plan to fund my next step - there 3 commandments will be in place, I will add entry with some expensive and not easy to master equipment. Next summit will be scale - some idea of how will I climb is present, but lots to learn. Then in the end time awaits and I am scared and excited, but hell if I know now how I will pull this off.

What I learned and what I am bringing to my readers right now. First, a crisis sweeps away our barriers. Entrepreneurship is a natural (brain-scripted if you will) response to a situation when system around us starts to crumble and can’t support us any more. It is like a social analog of adrenalin “fight-flight” response. I almost flighted, but now I fight. And I plan to keep on fighting even when I do not need to to survive.

Next - one have to get rid of social connections. People who surround us usually expect a certain behavior from us and those expectations are more thanenough to cut short one’s progress. Also the changes you undergo during and after FTE are such that relations can’t withstand it. Before this text I spoke of my FTE twice - to my diary and to my 15-years friend. Reaction from my friend basically exploded our friendship - laughs, mockery and “either you go for a therapy or we never talk again” BS. Now I am almost all alone with my pets and one friend which remained (his own FTE was far more terrible than mine).

P.S. As a sidenote - we splitted on good terms with my wife. No kids, no hard feelings. We still ask each other about our pets or discuss some common stuff. So no hungry kids traded for freedom involved.

 

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