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Does this copy kick a$$ or suck a$$?

Marketing, social media, advertising

wade1mil

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I must admit—I hate writing...with a passion. Especially copy! I have read a handful of copywriting books, forgot most of it, and struggle every time I put pen to paper. I'd love to efficiently write amazing copy, but this took me two and a half days to write. Yeah, for this tiny bit of copy. I put off hiring a copywriter because my experience has been that copywriters are either new and terrible, or way out of my price range.

Try to ignore the fact that spending $10,000 on a copywriter to make $20,000 is worth it. We both know that. At this point in time, I have more important things to spend my limited money on, and not enough traffic to justify hiring Dan Kennedy. If and when it gets to that point, I'll have no problem hiring someone to do this for me.

I know some of you can probably bust out better copy than this in five minutes. But in general, does this copy kick a$$ or suck a$$? Would you hire a copywriter if you were me? Thanks in advance.

copy.jpg
 
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Hong King Kong

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At first glance it kinda sucks, because those bullet points are mainly features not benefits...

I tried converting a few of them for ya, but it's hard to do a very good job without knowing your target audience.

Hundreds of cards = over 10,000+ possible scenarios! / endless hours of hilarious gameplay!
Kickstarter approved = backed by 1000's of gamers / funded by gamers world wide!
Written by Comedians = You'll laugh your a$$ off! / So funny you'll laugh til you cry

Just something off the top off my head... but hope you get the idea. Features tell, but benefits sell.
 

Lex DeVille

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Thanks for taking the time to respond. I appreciate the good advice.

I think it's pretty good over all.

No spelling errors or crazy grammar errors jumped out at me.

A couple of sentences have words ending in ing that make them a little passive, but not too bad.

The bottom paragraphs on each side are the two I'd look at.

Bottom Left

When you use words like trash and garbage even though it says your game isn't those things, the words might stick in a customer's mind. As a personal preference I avoid associating products with negative words. You can easily reword this in a positive way to highlight quality without mentioning trash or garbage. Kind of the old pink elephant effect.

Bottom Right

I'd change "you'll be laughing" to "you'll laugh for hours". Flows better that way.
 
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Ubermensch

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I must admit—I hate writing...with a passion. Especially copy! I have read a handful of copywriting books, forgot most of it, and struggle every time I put pen to paper. I'd love to efficiently write amazing copy, but this took me two and a half days to write. Yeah, for this tiny bit of copy. I put off hiring a copywriter because my experience has been that copywriters are either new and terrible, or way out of my price range.

Try to ignore the fact that spending $10,000 on a copywriter to make $20,000 is worth it. We both know that. At this point in time, I have more important things to spend my limited money on, and not enough traffic to justify hiring Dan Kennedy. If and when it gets to that point, I'll have no problem hiring someone to do this for me.

I know some of you can probably bust out better copy than this in five minutes. But in general, does this copy kick a$$ or suck a$$? Would you hire a copywriter if you were me? Thanks in advance.

copy.jpg

Every word sucked, including "and" and "the."

The entire bit was so insipid that I almost died from reading it.

LOL.

Just kidding.

How about this for the Adult Content portion:

Monogomy is monotonomy. Why have one, when you can have... more? We didn't stop at the Classic Edition. We created an Adult Edition;. A treat for the twisted. Flirty meets dirty.
 
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wade1mil

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I think it's pretty good over all.
All great points, and thanks for the wide-angled perspective. Love it.
Distracted is spelt wrong in the "best-looking game on Earth" paragraph.
Thanks.
Every word sucked, including "and" and "the."
I hate all the spaces as well. I knew I should have written it in binary. Thanks.
 
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Grace Cameron

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Not bad for someone who hate to do copywriting. One tip that I can give you that will probably make your writing better (at least as it related to grammar and such issues as passive voice) is to invest in Grammarly. As a content writer, I have this program installed on my browser and in Word, and it is great at catching far more problems than your standard spell check/grammar software. I have a chronic issue with the passive voice, and this program helps me with that problem. I notice you have that issue as well.

https://thepandawriter.com/
 

ddzc

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Not bad for someone who hate to do copywriting. One tip that I can give you that will probably make your writing better (at least as it related to grammar and such issues as passive voice) is to invest in Grammarly. As a content writer, I have this program installed on my browser and in Word, and it is great at catching far more problems than your standard spell check/grammar software. I have a chronic issue with the passive voice, and this program helps me with that problem. I notice you have that issue as well.

https://thepandawriter.com/

Forum spamming was popular back in 2007. I would drop the panda links in your posts.
 
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wade1mil

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I hired a very expensive copywriter in an attempt to not have to worry about writing copy ever again—just let a pro handle it. How did they do (X out of 10)?

copy2.jpg
 
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RHL

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When you use words like trash and garbage even though it says your game isn't those things, the words might stick in a customer's mind. As a personal preference I avoid associating products with negative words. You can easily reword this in a positive way to highlight quality without mentioning trash or garbage. Kind of the old pink elephant effect.

Another missing ingredient is that your effort has to be like an iceberg when selling your product, 70% of it will go unnoticed. Take something like "full color on both sides!" To you, that was a lot of effort, but to your customer, that's the bare minimum - all professional games have that. So, counter-intuitively, even though all professional games do it, because it's a matter of course, mentioning it makes the buyer think you're amateurish and unprofessional. What would you think if you were shopping for a Porsche and a selling point was "just washed. We even cleaned the wheels!" A lot of work, but ALL Porsche dealers do it, so making it sound extraordinary to you makes your normal practice seem substandard. "CASINO QUALITY" is way stronger.

If you're trying to be top quality, the ordinary isn't worth mentioning, and the extraordinary has to seem easy or mundane.
 
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devine

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Basically, your problem is that you focus on writing, not on delivery.
Pick just a few reasons why people would actually want to buy your game and emphasize on them.

I, personally, would send this picture to trash and start from scratch, but in a right direction.
 
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623baller

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second one is better than the first one. end of the day, it's what the product does for the customer, did your copy generate a want for them to buy.

first copy was focused on what your product does and features, second copy is focused on your customers and putting them into scenarios and situations that they can relate to. notice how many times You , Yours...etc. were mentioned in the copy.

great improvement!
 

wade1mil

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Move the cheerleader hand. Thought it said 'Poop Choices'......
Haha, yeah we did that before printing. Just haven't updated the image yet.
 

IrishSpring600

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Give away the product.

Get online reviews on the product.

Post pictures of people using the product.

???

Profit

You don't have to persuade me with eight paragraphs to buy something other people like using. But how do I know the latter's true...?
 

devine

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You don't have to persuade me with eight paragraphs to buy something other people like using. But how do I know the latter's true...?
You're one of the very few % of people who care about testimonials more than the product itself.
Good product doesn't need testimonials.
 
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