Advice Needed: Dealing with ex's & money matters....

[^eagle^]

Have you thought about letting her live in your most recent flip project for free? And if there is a differnece than pay her like $50.00 More and recoup your loss at tax time.

That way she can't spend the mopney on crap and your kids have a nice place to live. remember to keep it about the kids. Not about her.

When My ex and I talk it is always about the kids. When we first got divorced and I started getting my life together I would tell her
"You lost your right to bitch at me when we spilt up. Call me back when you can talk about the kids. CLICK"

Repeat this several times until she gets it. It's not about her. The kids are what's important.

It worked wonders for me. Now we can have a normal conversation. She would threaten me to leave the relationshipo if she didn't get her way. Now she doesn't have that option. She can't take the kid away either so now she has no option but to be reasonable.

 

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[Russ H]

Have you thought about letting her live in your most recent flip project for free? And if there is a differnece than pay her like $50.00 More and recoup your loss at tax time.

That way she can't spend the money on crap and your kids have a nice place to live.

Eagle, do you have kids? Not a great idea to move them into a new neighborhood few months. And moving is a pain.

IMO, providing a free house to someone is NOT going to make someone change their spending habits. Money in = money out for folks like this.

Spenders/takers are who they are.

Can't change 'em.

-Russ H.

 

[Russ H]

Give me some advice here folks... What do you do with an ex who expects you to pay 100% of the kids incidentals, simply because she's unwilling to work and carry her share of the load?

You go down to you local pediatric cancer center, look at the kids with terminal cancer and talk to the parents who would give everything they have ever worked for to be in your shoes, and the problem with your dead beat ex and the $1,500 dental bill will instantly go away.

Perspective. :smx9:

Hakrjak, I'm not trying to beat you up.

Just 2 things my mentors have taught me that apply:

1. Don't "fight to win little everyday battles" in a marriage/relationship. You'll only lose the relationship/marriage. (Mentor: Tim, the "tool man" Taylor, Home Improvement)

2. Have a problem w/someone? It's easier to change the way you look at it than to change someone else.

-Russ H.

PS While I take a lot of kidding about my love for the philosophy of Home Improvement, I'll say, in all honesty, that this silly show taught me a LOT about how to be a better husband.

 

[^eagle^]

Eagle, do you have kids? Not a great idea to move them into a new neighborhood few months. And moving is a pain.

IMO, providing a free house to someone is NOT going to make someone change their spending habits. Money in = money out for folks like this.

Spenders/takers are who they are.

Can't change 'em.

-Russ H.

I got a beautiful 8 year old daughter who I would die for.
My x is still financially wacko but i know that the kid has a roof over her head and my ex won't let her go hungry.

i supply medical insurance for my daughter through my job.

So Yeah.

In this instance I know what i'm talking about. Kids are resiliant. My daughter has been student of the year twice. It's always about the kids! That is the one thing a divorced couple can agree upon.

 

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[Russ H]

I got a beautiful 8 year old daughter who I would die for.

i supply medical insurance for my daughter through my job.

So Yeah.

In this instance I know what i'm talking about. Kids are resiliant. My daughter has been student of the year twice.

Very cool that you are a dad who cares about his kid. :smx9:

My two points were:

1. You can't change your spouse, and

2. It's not a good idea to move your kids to different houses/neighborhoods every few months.

I've re-read your answer a few times now, and I can't quite seem to figure out what your answer is to these two points.

Sorry for my density. Not a jab or sarcasm here, just can't figure out your point.

-Russ H.

 

[^eagle^]

Very cool that you are a dad who cares about his kid. :smx9:

My two points were:

1. You can't change your spouse, and

2. It's not a good idea to move your kids to different houses/neighborhoods every few months.

I've re-read your answer a few times now, and I can't quite seem to figure out what your answer is to these two points.

Sorry for my density. Not a jab or sarcasm here, just can't figure out your point.

-Russ H.

The most recent house that he rehabbed he will NOT Flip. They stay there and he pays the mortgage INSTEAD OF forking over cash to her. If the mortgage is higher than the child support payment that makes the deal all the sweeter to her.

Hakrjak gets all the tax benefits of a non income producing rental property. Child suupport is not tax deductable but rental property incidentals are.

She gets the dependant tax credit. Or if he wants he can alternate it with her every year and not tell her that he is also getting a tax benefit from the house.

as for the second point yes myy ex is still finacillay wacked although she is trying to start a business that i fully encourage.

I could not stop how she spoke to me but I could change how I spoke to her. I've been in a henpecked marriage so I know the learned helplessness. But Once I was out of the marriage I saw how she used my daughter and the relationship to manipulate me to get what she wanted.

Now she can't take my daughter away and she can't threaten me and get all emotionally wacked becasue I shut her down and refuse to deal with her when she rants on her pity pot.

By leading by example I showed my only purpose in talking to her was to have what is best for our daughter. And keep pointing out to my ex that this is not about her problems. It's about what's best for the kids.

She can either continue to be selfish and look like an idiot for not taking care of her kids or she'll change.

But by not reacting to her bullshit I drew the line in the sand and said that's it. we talk about the kids and nothing else. I don't care about her shitty boss, the her nasty neighbor or her boyfriend. What's the best for the kid?

If she can't pay then just say "maybe it's best if the kids stay with me iuntil you can get finacially in a better position."

It's all about the kids.

She'll come around if your persisitant and shut her down when she is complaining about anyhting other than what's best for the child. Hang up on her.

turn and walk away
Do not engage in any other conversation except solutions to what she is going to do about helping out with the kids

IT"S NOT ALL ABOUT HER!

 

[hakrjak]

I like the idea of dealing with her to give the kids a stable place to live, and in turn reaping some monetary benefits to put towards the care of the kids... They currently reside in an apartment with no yard, and surrounded by low income types that aren't the ideal playmates for the kids.

The funny thing when I offered for her to live in one of these houses in the past -- She replied, "I wouldn't live in that part of town" -- LOL... She can't afford a house anywhere in town period, and I offer to set her up in one -- and beggers become choosers

I do have another house that could work out for a deal like that in a more desireable area -- but the 1 concern that has kept me from making such a deal so far has been the concern that if I lose my job and become unable to pay child support at the current level, or at all - I would now have 2 houses that are dependent on my personal income instead of just 1. That might be a lot of stress hanging over my head, knowing that I and my kids could become homeless if anything ever happened to my income.

Cheers,

- Hakrjak

 

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[Russ H]

GREAT follow up post, eagle.

Thanks for clarifying!

REP speed for taking the time to post specifics re the tax implications.

-Russ H.

 

[Russ H]

. . . but the #1 concern that has kept me from making such a deal so far has been the concern that if I lose my job and become unable to pay child support at the current level, or at all - I would now have 2 houses that are dependent on my personal income instead of just 1. That might be a lot of stress hanging over my head, knowing that I and my kids could become homeless if anything ever happened to my income.

I can relate.

Our current mortgage and property tax outlay is over $30,000 a MONTH.

And we don't have any long term tenants-- no one stays longer than 5-7 nights, most only 1-2.

If our biz drops, we have a LOT of commitments-- about $45K a month to staff, expenses, etc in addition to the $30K+ per month in debt service.

Almost $1,000,000 a year in expenses and debt service.

And that does not include what we're paying the contractors working on our development projects (add $500K to $1M there, depending on the year).

A few years ago, I would not have been able to sleep at night w/all of this over my head--especially worrying about taking care of my wife and daughter.

But as I mentioned earlier, it's all about perspective. I've got it a LOT easier than the guy who visits his wife or daughter in the cancer ward.

-Russ H.

 

[Diane Kennedy]

I think, Hakrjak, it'll never feel fair. She might get a little better financially, but you'll get a LOT better financially in the same time frame.

I like the suggestion earlier of just make more money.

Sometimes there aren't easy solutions.

 

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