I want to Run? Jump off a cliff? Leave it all?

[iAmTrade]

First I'm not suicidal, jumping off a cliff into the pristine waters beneath is a dream of mine. As for the rest...

I'm 24. Finished college in May, and it turns out I will not be using that degree for anything I want to pursue. I have less than $ 500.00, live with my parents, am single, and feel as though I am in the clutches of my parents.

Have tried to import/export goods in bulk, to find suppliers are not real, or buyers are just clueless intermediaries (I'm not too far from clueless but I think I have the handle as to how this should all work, the process etc).

So, I was working construction- commercial roofing for my father, who does not pay me (yet pays my expenses...cell phone bill...hmm I'm under his roof? (That is about it...working for no $ to me has made me learn/accept that "to work=NO $)...hence my entrepreneurial spirit. He gives me money on occasion, that he will just ask for back... he, who has "kicked" me out of the house and then the next morning says "nah, I was joking", seriously?!...about 3-4 times...

My parents want me to get married...sigh, NOPE...I'm a broke a$$ "little boy..." that's how I think of it to myself...they think obligations will move me forward in life. I agree, but marriage is not the way. Aside from that- I firmly and wholeheartedly believe that listening to my parents (mostly my father) has been the worst thing I could have done in my entire life. Obedience is fine at times, but nope. This is just excessive.

------------
So...I see import/export isn't working out too well- especially with the deal sizes I have been looking into...I want to continue to do this but I need money NOW... I had a piece of software I created in High School...and want to go full time into selling that software to small businesses on a monthly or yearly contract, it is only about $ 160.00 a month or close to $ 2,000 for a yearly contract. Today I registered the business, working/will have a brochure/pricing/sales data/contracts etc ready by end of the day.

Tomorrow I want to go to staples, have them printed on fine paper, laminated, so I don't have to keep wasting $ on getting new ones etc. And I want go make sales, concept has been proven, software works, I see a large market for it...

--------

My problem/why I am here, making this post... My life sucks... SOOOO much. I hate it, despise it, dread it. I want to make some money, about $ 5,000.00 and have been told countless times by friends to move out...

I'm Albanian. Not sure if you have any Albanian friends, know a family etc...but things are culturally strict...impeccably! A son leaving the house = soo much gossip towards my family name etc... but I want to...

Can I really just leave?... my father is in his 50's...already speaks of me- making $ "soon" to help with his bills etc... I haven't voiced it but wth would I want to stay here for...with all the restrictions, telling me what to do etc...I despise it, as I said previously.

He has a friend starting a new restaurant---he, my father wants me to work nights there... I have never been a waiter, I don't even want to do it... I want to just stick to making sales for the software/business I started, and when possible expand/expand...expand...while getting back into import/export (my dream). I "must" go work as a waiter nights, so that I can make some $(so I can just give it to them?>?!?)...MORE IMPORTANTLY so I can avoid conflict with my household...

Thoughts...comments... any comments, even if rude are welcome... What would you do in my situation...

I have no one else to talk to. I'm a shy/quiet guy unless I become more comfortable with you first (doesn't seem to hinder my "ok" sales skills on the field...yes I'm reading into improving there too), no friends (does 1 person count...who is a few states away from me now)...

 

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[BlakeIC]

What would I do in your situation?

Leave, simple, possibly move in with others to cut down on expenses

Apply for jobs in the mean time and take a look at this thread here to learn how to live rent free (something I am planning on doing once I can obtain a CC + loan which is required for FHA loans in the USA)
https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/stop-paying-rent-live-for-free.51893/

I was in a similar situation of being in the clutches of my father, we argued, eventually got it settled and he changed from him being against me to being there for me

You will have to let him hang as it seems if you want to move forward

 

[DeletedUser394]

You can leave. Absolutely.

You live in America, not Albania. You're an adult. Gossip and petty shit from your community doesn't matter. Your happiness and pride in yourself is what matters.

You are the only person responsible for your life and happiness. You don't owe anyone anything.

Get a job (that isn't tied to family or family friend), get your own place or get roommates. Those two things alone will change your life drastically.

 

[iAmTrade]

What would I do in your situation?

Leave, simple, possibly move in with others to cut down on expenses

Apply for jobs in the mean time and take a look at this thread here to learn how to live rent free (something I am planning on doing once I can obtain a CC + loan which is required for FHA loans in the USA)
https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/stop-paying-rent-live-for-free.51893/

I was in a similar situation of being in the clutches of my father, we argued, eventually got it settled and he changed from him being against me to being there for me

You will have to let him hang as it seems if you want to move forward

Whats funny is I read that thread right after you posted here. Will look into it more. I definitely don't have the $ for a down payment, but my credit score and limit is great..will definitely look into it.

Its easy to say "okay, do this" but I find it hard to actually do it : /

 

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[iAmTrade]

You can leave. Absolutely.

You live in America, not Albania. You're an adult. Gossip and petty shit from your community doesn't matter. Your happiness and pride in yourself is what matters.

You are the only person responsible for your life and happiness. You don't owe anyone anything.

Get a job (that isn't tied to family or family friend), get your own place or get roommates. Those two things alone will change your life drastically.

Yea, I'm definitely looking for a place to stay, hopefully near a place with good public transportation etc, so I won't really need to use a car. I just need to make some money.

Yes I'm in America...but I would feel soo bad to leave my father/family-he doesn't save, his retirement-according to their conversations are "me"... he's sitting on a 600k$ home he could sell, to use for a nice 20 family apartment building down payment but he won't listen, sigh.

I must leave but will still feel like I have to help him...yet, wth, I can't even help myself.

 

[BlakeIC]

Whats funny is I read that thread right after you posted here. Will look into it more. I definitely don't have the $ for a down payment, but my credit score and limit is great..will definitely look into it.

Its easy to say "okay, do this" but I find it hard to actually do it : /

Well, to me it seemed complex until I sat down and started sifting through the other real estate threads in the RE sub forum on here

Get into the mindset that you can learn anything, if others have, then you can

of course easier said than done which I understand

 

[BlakeIC]

Take control of your life, this is YOUR life, not your fathers

Stop living through his eyes and start living through your own

 

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[iAmTrade]

Take control of your life, this is YOUR life, not your fathers

Stop living through his eyes and start living through your own

I did the math according to that thread...for first time home buyers...I only need to put around 3-5% down... thats around 10k down payment... DAM. I want to do this...I AM GOING to do this... Plus, it'll be my excuse to leave the house I'm just thinking here, I don't have the down$ yet but I better get it soon enough.

It is my life...thanks. And yea, I'm still thinking :/ grr.

 

[Arima]

I just want to put this quote in here:
“The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it.”'
- Jordan Belfort

Hope it does you good.

 

[iAmTrade]

The quote does me good. Didn't think of it that way before.

 

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[AgainstAllOdds]

but I would feel soo bad to leave my father/family-he doesn't save, his retirement-according to their conversations are "me"... he's sitting on a 600k$ home he could sell

$600k in Albania = retirement money.

$200k house + $20,000 in annual investment income = a pretty good life. [600k - 200k = 400k * 5% return = 20k investment income]

No need to feel worried for your parents. They'll be more than fine on their own.

 

[Mattie]

I have no one else to talk to. I'm a shy/quiet guy unless I become more comfortable with you first (doesn't seem to hinder my "ok" sales skills on the field...yes I'm reading into improving there too), no friends (does 1 person count...who is a few states away from me now)...

I would say you can live to please your parents forever and never really build a life, or choose to build one. It's a tough choice when it comes to family, and does come with some conflict and sometimes grief. I think it depends on how your relationship is with your parents in the first place. And sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. Later they may change their minds.

 

[shubham525]

You are a programer , so think it like you already have a job on upwork.com and other freelancing sites.
Maybe someone need your software there ! Or build them a new one !

Open your own firm later.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

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[sija1]

and feel as though I am in the clutches of my parents.

So, I was working construction- commercial roofing for my father, who does not pay me (yet pays my expenses...cell phone bill...hmm I'm under his roof? (That is about it...working for no $ to me has made me learn/accept that "to work=NO $)...hence my entrepreneurial spirit. He gives me money on occasion, that he will just ask for back... he, who has "kicked" me out of the house and then the next morning says "nah, I was joking", seriously?!...about 3-4 times...

I'm Albanian. Not sure if you have any Albanian friends, know a family etc...but things are culturally strict...impeccably! A son leaving the house = soo much gossip towards my family name etc... but I want to...

my father is in his 50's...already speaks of me- making $ "soon" to help with his bills etc...

On a serious note tho, I can understand your problems with your family very well because we both come from the Balkans and it is a similar mentality. IMO, you pretty much have two options, do as your father says or don't and explain what you want and why you want it. Your father will probably be mad (you know, Balkan pride and stuff ), but eventually he will cool off, especially if you show yourself as hardworking.

 

[AntEmpire]

When it begins hurting bad enough you'll make your move. Literally.

 

[Luffy]

Man family is a tough thing, you want to listen but at the same time you don't want to be controlled.
When you're on your deathbed though, you're going to regret not doing what you wanted to do.

 

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[ANON29512]

Iamtrade, the best thing to do is the hard way, i.e. what you want. Trust me, after everything you will be glad you did it, as Luffy just said, you won't regret it. I'm in a similar situation as you, the only thing different is my company is grossing over 20k/mo and we migrated to Spain and were forced to live together. I'm living with my brother (who is also my business partner) and my mother.

Even though things are going great, one of my recurring problems is crossing boundaries. Living together means seeing each other 24/7 and this means conflicts, which wouldn't occur if I would be working/living elsewhere for example. Do this, do that, do it my way, you can't do that, etc even though I got everything handled and I'm basically running the daily operations of the business and developing our marketing/website by myself, while his time is tied down by dealing with suppliers, finding new ones, etc everything related to product development (which would be all good if we let eachother work in peace). Not to mention I would very much be around people who try new things, who smile, are touchy, are more interesting/exciting, living passionately, etc which my family members are not.

Not to mention (again) my mother treats me like a child, especially when it comes to spending money and finances. And we're only talking about either 1-200$ for me personally or business investments which yield 10-100x ROI. She has a financial thermostat of person who makes minimum wage.

In the end, after a heated argument (and much tensions beforehand before this was adressed), I set a date for which they reluctantly agreed to, moving to my own flat, which is when I reach a particular level of income (about double what we make now). I'm 23 btw, and I can tell you familiar problems are very real and get be really painful. Separating from the your family is a very important part of transitiong to adulthood and the earlier you do it, the better your results will be in life imho.

Just my 2 cents...

 

[iAmTrade]

@Dimitron @sija1 you both are basically in the same boat as myself. Just that one or both of you have $... I don't & am working to change that as soon as I can.

Its all about that balken pride someone mentioned. To proud to sell the house...I'd sell it in a heartbeat- use it as a down payment for a large apartment building and live my days rent free, with recurring income on the top floor. No worries about bills/expenses= time to relax and start a new business without the rushed nature of it having to work because I'll have the time to grow it without burdens.

Today going to staples to print out sales documentation/brochures etc. And hopefully get to driving to potential clients and collecting checks
I feel the reason they "order" me to do something is because well... I am not making $ aside from their methods, in some sense- they probably think I can't since I have been doing "as told" always.

 

[sija1]

@Dimitron @sija1 you both are basically in the same boat as myself. Just that one or both of you have $... I don't & am working to change that as soon as I can.

Its all about that balken pride someone mentioned. To proud to sell the house...I'd sell it in a heartbeat- use it as a down payment for a large apartment building and live my days rent free, with recurring income on the top floor. No worries about bills/expenses= time to relax and start a new business without the rushed nature of it having to work because I'll have the time to grow it without burdens.

Today going to staples to print out sales documentation/brochures etc. And hopefully get to driving to potential clients and collecting checks
I feel the reason they "order" me to do something is because well... I am not making $ aside from their methods, in some sense- they probably think I can't since I have been doing "as told" always.

Well, I am not currently in the same boat as you are. But I was. More than once. I don't have $$$, but am working on it.

Balkan countries are poor countries, and we are able to survive only because we stick together. I currently live in Quebec, Canada and most of the young folks here leave when they turn 18 because they can. I noticed that their relations with family are not the same as ours, especially after they leave. That made me curious and I talked to a lot of different persons in order to try to understand why. That led me to a conclusion. During puberty and adolescence, most (not all, there are exceptions, but most) start changing drastically, toys and games become replaced by new experiences. It is the stage where the young people think they are smarter than their parents and everyone else (I was like this, all of my friends were like this). By the time they hit early twenties, a lot of bad experiences and struggles have happened, the maturity starts to kick in and that is when young people start understanding the errors they have made and the value of family, love and friendship. In fact there is a quote by Mark Twain that perfectly describes the situation: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Like I said, we from the Balkan countries survive because we stick together and since we don't leave our families by the time we hit early twenties, the broken relationships start to reshape and strengthen. It is perfectly normal in Balkan countries (and other Slav countries) for kids to stay with their parents until they hit 30 or until they get married. I wrote a long post (sorry) just to prove my point that this mentality is inevitable for us; our grandparents had it, our parents have it, we have it (consciously or subconsciously). Because of this we-stick-together, parents and kids live in a symbiotic relationship where the elder protects the younger so that the younger can protect the elder.

Your parents want what they think is the best for you. Especially if they came from Albania to the US, they had to work really, really, really hard to have what you have now. For immigrants, establishing in a new country and making a life from nothing is the equivalent of the Fastlane in the terms of hard work. That's where that Balkan pride kicks in. That Balkan pride, if I'm being realistic - most of us have it, I know I do, but keep it under control. On the other hand, it's stupid as hell, because without it, a lot of wars wouldn't have happened in the Balkans and the hatred between Albanians, Serbians, Croatians, Slovenians and Bosnians would cease to exist.

Anyway, follow your vision and work hard, but never shut the door on your family - they might lock it. Make them proud and give them and yourself a better life.

 

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[iAmTrade]

Well, I am not currently in the same boat as you are. But I was. More than once. I don't have $$$, but am working on it.

Balkan countries are poor countries, and we are able to survive only because we stick together. I currently live in Quebec, Canada and most of the young folks here leave when they turn 18 because they can. I noticed that their relations with family are not the same as ours, especially after they leave. That made me curious and I talked to a lot of different persons in order to try to understand why. That led me to a conclusion. During puberty and adolescence, most (not all, there are exceptions, but most) start changing drastically, toys and games become replaced by new experiences. It is the stage where the young people think they are smarter than their parents and everyone else (I was like this, all of my friends were like this). By the time they hit early twenties, a lot of bad experiences and struggles have happened, the maturity starts to kick in and that is when young people start understanding the errors they have made and the value of family, love and friendship. In fact there is a quote by Mark Twain that perfectly describes the situation: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Like I said, we from the Balkan countries survive because we stick together and since we don't leave our families by the time we hit early twenties, the broken relationships start to reshape and strengthen. It is perfectly normal in Balkan countries (and other Slav countries) for kids to stay with their parents until they hit 30 or until they get married. I wrote a long post (sorry) just to prove my point that this mentality is inevitable for us; our grandparents had it, our parents have it, we have it (consciously or subconsciously). Because of this we-stick-together, parents and kids live in a symbiotic relationship where the elder protects the younger so that the younger can protect the elder.

Your parents want what they think is the best for you. Especially if they came from Albania to the US, they had to work really, really, really hard to have what you have now. For immigrants, establishing in a new country and making a life for nothing is the equivalent of the Fastlane in the terms of hard work. That's where that Balkan pride kicks in. That Balkan pride, if I'm being realistic - most of us have it, I know I do, but keep it under control. On the other hand, it's stupid as hell, because without it, a lot of wars wouldn't have happened in the Balkans and the hatred between Albanians, Serbians, Croatians, Slovenians and Bosnians would cease to exist.

Anyway, follow your vision and work hard, but never shut the door on your family - they might lock it. Make them proud and give them and yourself a better life.

Wow.

What a different perspective.

It is enlightening to understand a bit more as to why they are how they are.

I appreciate the message. Thanks on it makes me evaluate some things.

Edit: Just saw your avatar... Sarajevo, a nice city. Gone through there on multiple occasions.

 

[sija1]

Wow.

What a different perspective.

It is enlightening to understand a bit more as to why they are how they are.

I appreciate the message. Thanks on it makes me evaluate some things.

Edit: Just saw your avatar... Sarajevo, a nice city. Gone through there on multiple occasions.

I am glad I could help I don't know if you ever lived there, or how much time did you spend visiting, but if you have any other question, you can ask me here or PM me. I've lived for 18 years in Sarajevo before leaving it all in a quest for better future. We have a really unique vision of things... Some are good, some are really, really destructive. What blew my mind when I went back for a visit in 2013 (first time since I left), is how they believe all of the shit that Hollywood throws at them! Young people are so well dressed and flashy when they go out, it's like a red carpet event, yet they can barely eat! They are trying to be like us here in North America, not realizing that the way the see us is purely fictional! I avoided saying that I live in Canada when meeting new people because I din't want to get stabbed for couple of bucks because the way they saw me was pretty much like this:

I hope you visited the old part of town, it's definitely a must see!

 

[obrian]

I just want to put this quote in here:
“The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it.”'
- Jordan Belfort

Hope it does you good.

damn classic

 

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[obrian]

 

[AndrewNC]

I'm Albanian.

Oh god, one of my best friends is Albanian.

Your description was a shocking reminder of her.

I told her that it's not her upbringing, her family, or her culture that is holding her back. The only thing that makes her feel stuck is the actions she takes. If she wants to see new results, she has to be willing to let go of the old completely, and jump into the new.

But she's too scared to take that leap, and has been feeling stuck for three years.

What if it's not the external circumstances that control us, but instead it is the actions we take?

 

[AndrewNC]

I took this picture at Olympic National Park the other day. That bird had to jump before it could fly, and it probably hurt the first 100 times it failed. But it kept trying, and now it lives it's life soaring. What would happen if you never take that leap?


...terrible analogy with the bird thing, but I really wanted to show off this awesome picture

 

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[Andy Black]

I took this picture at Olympic National Park the other day. That bird had to jump before it could fly, and it probably hurt the first 100 times it failed. But it kept trying, and now it lives it's life soaring. What would happen if you never take that leap?
View attachment 10700

...terrible analogy with the bird thing, but I really wanted to show off this awesome picture

It's a great picture and analogy.

I also see beautiful mountains, and behind them more mountains, and behind them more mountains.

We're on a journey, and the mountains are our obstacles and our path.

Reminds me of a line my grandmother would tell me: "A stream with no rocks is a stream with no song."

 

[AndrewNC]

It's a great picture and analogy.

I also see beautiful mountains, and behind them more mountains, and behind them more mountains.

We're on a journey, and the mountains are our obstacles and our path.

That is, until we learn to shrink those mountains in our mind to the size of stepping stones, and simple walk through those obstacles to the other side.

 

[Andy Black]

Well, I am not currently in the same boat as you are. But I was. More than once. I don't have $$$, but am working on it.

Balkan countries are poor countries, and we are able to survive only because we stick together. I currently live in Quebec, Canada and most of the young folks here leave when they turn 18 because they can. I noticed that their relations with family are not the same as ours, especially after they leave. That made me curious and I talked to a lot of different persons in order to try to understand why. That led me to a conclusion. During puberty and adolescence, most (not all, there are exceptions, but most) start changing drastically, toys and games become replaced by new experiences. It is the stage where the young people think they are smarter than their parents and everyone else (I was like this, all of my friends were like this). By the time they hit early twenties, a lot of bad experiences and struggles have happened, the maturity starts to kick in and that is when young people start understanding the errors they have made and the value of family, love and friendship. In fact there is a quote by Mark Twain that perfectly describes the situation: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Like I said, we from the Balkan countries survive because we stick together and since we don't leave our families by the time we hit early twenties, the broken relationships start to reshape and strengthen. It is perfectly normal in Balkan countries (and other Slav countries) for kids to stay with their parents until they hit 30 or until they get married. I wrote a long post (sorry) just to prove my point that this mentality is inevitable for us; our grandparents had it, our parents have it, we have it (consciously or subconsciously). Because of this we-stick-together, parents and kids live in a symbiotic relationship where the elder protects the younger so that the younger can protect the elder.

Your parents want what they think is the best for you. Especially if they came from Albania to the US, they had to work really, really, really hard to have what you have now. For immigrants, establishing in a new country and making a life from nothing is the equivalent of the Fastlane in the terms of hard work. That's where that Balkan pride kicks in. That Balkan pride, if I'm being realistic - most of us have it, I know I do, but keep it under control. On the other hand, it's stupid as hell, because without it, a lot of wars wouldn't have happened in the Balkans and the hatred between Albanians, Serbians, Croatians, Slovenians and Bosnians would cease to exist.

Anyway, follow your vision and work hard, but never shut the door on your family - they might lock it. Make them proud and give them and yourself a better life.

Very thought provoking response.

As a parent with a teenage stepson, I know full well he thinks we don't know anything and he knows better. We just have to try and gently keep him on the right path till he's made enough mistakes to maybe start considering we might actually know something.

Great Mark Twain quote. I saw a variation of it in a gift shop once with my Dad. We both laughed out loud at it. It was a good moment.

 

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[Andy Black]

That is, until we learn to shrink those mountains in our mind to the size of stepping stones, and simple walk through those obstacles to the other side.

Aha. Obstacles as stepping stones? I did a video on that here.

 

[sija1]

Very thought provoking response.

As a parent with a teenage stepson, I know full well he thinks we don't know anything and he knows better. We just have to try and gently keep him on the right path till he's made enough mistakes to maybe start considering we might actually know something.

Great Mark Twain quote. I saw a variation of it in a gift shop once with my Dad. We both laughed out loud at it. It was a good moment.

Yeah, it's really making mistakes that makes a major difference. I believe that everyone is bound to make some of those mistakes eventually. There are people who make a ton of mistakes younger and learn from the consequences. They see that the advice that was given to them was not in vain. Then there are those who do nothing, because they are so scared of their parents. When they reach a point of freedom and liberation from their parents, they have a higher risk of making the same mistakes because they never had experience. Of course, there are some exceptions to the rule, but only a minority. Humans just don't learn that fire will burn them unless they try it for themselves. Entrepreneurship is somewhat based on the same: work hard and make sacrifices when you're younger so that you could live your life to the fullest later or do the opposite and work later because you lived to the fullest when you were younger.

The main reasons for so much mistakes in adolescence would probably be peer pressure (we are social creatures) and poor rational skills. Teens are so naive (lack of life experience) and highly driven by emotions, especially when it comes to love. I am pretty sure that most of us on this forum had that ready-to-die-for, love-of-my-life, we-against-the-world person at some point between the ages of 13 and 20 (I had more than 1 and it took quite a lot of burning before I started to use my head from time to time).