gallagher99
Contributor
User Power
Value/Post Ratio
111%
- Feb 18, 2015
- 28
- 31
- 33
Long story short:
--> I play poker for a living.
--> I don't have savings, and I have huge money pressure daily.
--> I am a winning player, I can make more than enough money. I play since 2008. Study a lot, love the math, timing tells, etc. I crush the stakes I play, no questions about it.
However I never have success with it, or what I truly need to move up in my life. It is agonizing me, because I know that I'm really capable.
Sadly I have lots of debts because of a family and business problem, I have to pay money loans (which is a few months behind).
I'm using anti depressants (pristiq) and already having therapy.
I always put myself in this loop, seriously it is repeating for YEARS!
But honestly, it is like I have double personality (or whatever the name is)...
For example I had a wonderful February this year. I paid multiple things, had a really huge bankroll, I was really happy because I thought I could now shape my life.
But since the first minute I paid everything, deep down in my mind I think I knew it was gonna happen, I knew deep down that I was gonna F*ck up somewhere... And I didn't have a winning day ever since (or if I had I didn't even remember).
I start winning $ in the day, I start playing well and focused. But every last session I am not myself, I loose focus, I start doing bad things and in seconds looks like i'm another person, I loose all hope, I start playing like monkey, makes me wanna cry because I really needed this money.
The problem is that it happened 20 DAYS IN A ROW in march seriously.... 20 days repeating everyday.
Every day of those 20 days I started the day winning. Yes... Winning a lot actually. But finished losing everything I won and Lost control. Playing more than 12 hours straight, not sleeping, etc. Terrible. For the first time in my life I felt like I had a hangover from poker, a huge burnout and had to stop playing because I felt disgusted from my actions and especially the way I tossed away money and time (12h+ in the day when I tilt like this), it took more than 1 month to regain the will to play poker again, but sadly it didn't stop. I still make this mistakes.
For example today:
I had a borderline (or whatever the name, she cut herself from time to time) ex-girlfriend. And honestly it feels the same.
Makes me wanna cry, I don't recognize myself, feels like i'm hurting myself, making me suffer. It F*cks my health, I wanna break things.
I know my worst enemy is my own brain.
I don't hate the game or the other players, or having bad luck. I hate WHEN I DO THIS SHIT.
The cycle I mentioned has been repeating for years.
But sadly since my family lost our business, I have to live with my poker money. And it is affecting me a lot from the last 365 days.
I always loose a lot more than I win, because the lack of my self control.
The money I can make playing this game would be more than enough to have any life I want, but I never had the discipline to achieve.
The talks I had with my therapy sessions was that I do this to make me suffer and to make me feel like I don't deserve to achieve success, just like my family (they were really rich but bankrupted).
My family doesn't like that I play poker and by doing this mistakes that I wrote above, I keep myself under-achieved so they can be right.
It agonizes me to be drained in debt, but if I can put my head in place I can make a really good living with the game (without the tilts). I really crush the stakes I play, I discuss the game, study a lot, I do the math and review what I played. I know I can make huge profits playing this game. I just feel really bad doing this shit that I do, specially in a quarantine period where most people are without jobs. I can get what I want in my life with this game, but I can't live doing this things over and over, my health is terrible right now.
--> I play poker for a living.
--> I don't have savings, and I have huge money pressure daily.
--> I am a winning player, I can make more than enough money. I play since 2008. Study a lot, love the math, timing tells, etc. I crush the stakes I play, no questions about it.
However I never have success with it, or what I truly need to move up in my life. It is agonizing me, because I know that I'm really capable.
Sadly I have lots of debts because of a family and business problem, I have to pay money loans (which is a few months behind).
I'm using anti depressants (pristiq) and already having therapy.
I always put myself in this loop, seriously it is repeating for YEARS!
- I lose everything! I get desperate. Should I sell something? Even my cellphone screen breaks.
- I put my head in place, organize my routine --> grind it SUPER focused for multiple days, every cent counts.
- I triumph! I make enough for my survival (what was killing my brain and screwing my sleep, like credit cards and super important things, fix broken screen)
The money I make in this period (2 weeks or 1 month) is probably 10 times bigger than the monthly average in my country. - I think things will go better now. At least I can breathe better and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel --> But no. The cycle repeats.
- Everything that I did to make the money to pay what I need, I do the opposite. It kills me, it agonizes me. I get to the bottom of the my life and I have to gain everything again.
But honestly, it is like I have double personality (or whatever the name is)...
For example I had a wonderful February this year. I paid multiple things, had a really huge bankroll, I was really happy because I thought I could now shape my life.
But since the first minute I paid everything, deep down in my mind I think I knew it was gonna happen, I knew deep down that I was gonna F*ck up somewhere... And I didn't have a winning day ever since (or if I had I didn't even remember).
I start winning $ in the day, I start playing well and focused. But every last session I am not myself, I loose focus, I start doing bad things and in seconds looks like i'm another person, I loose all hope, I start playing like monkey, makes me wanna cry because I really needed this money.
The problem is that it happened 20 DAYS IN A ROW in march seriously.... 20 days repeating everyday.
Every day of those 20 days I started the day winning. Yes... Winning a lot actually. But finished losing everything I won and Lost control. Playing more than 12 hours straight, not sleeping, etc. Terrible. For the first time in my life I felt like I had a hangover from poker, a huge burnout and had to stop playing because I felt disgusted from my actions and especially the way I tossed away money and time (12h+ in the day when I tilt like this), it took more than 1 month to regain the will to play poker again, but sadly it didn't stop. I still make this mistakes.
For example today:
I was winning like 9buy-ins in the day. I played for 5 hours in 3 sessions, was feeling really good. However my last session I honestly don't know how to explain what went wrong. I was gonna stop loss when I hit 3buy-ins. But in like 15 minutes I lost everything I grinded in the day. Yes, 5 hours of work I lost in 15 minutes, I don't even remember what happened.
Later on the night I meditated, and crushed a guy in headsup for 4buy-ins, I knew that I was gonna win, no questions.
At least I can breathe a little bit again, right? Doesn't feel so bad. But wow... I knew it was gonna happen...
I found him playing a little bit higher. And I HAD to give all the money back to him again. So today happened two times.
Later on the night I meditated, and crushed a guy in headsup for 4buy-ins, I knew that I was gonna win, no questions.
At least I can breathe a little bit again, right? Doesn't feel so bad. But wow... I knew it was gonna happen...
I found him playing a little bit higher. And I HAD to give all the money back to him again. So today happened two times.
I had a borderline (or whatever the name, she cut herself from time to time) ex-girlfriend. And honestly it feels the same.
Makes me wanna cry, I don't recognize myself, feels like i'm hurting myself, making me suffer. It F*cks my health, I wanna break things.
I know my worst enemy is my own brain.
I don't hate the game or the other players, or having bad luck. I hate WHEN I DO THIS SHIT.
The cycle I mentioned has been repeating for years.
But sadly since my family lost our business, I have to live with my poker money. And it is affecting me a lot from the last 365 days.
I always loose a lot more than I win, because the lack of my self control.
The money I can make playing this game would be more than enough to have any life I want, but I never had the discipline to achieve.
The talks I had with my therapy sessions was that I do this to make me suffer and to make me feel like I don't deserve to achieve success, just like my family (they were really rich but bankrupted).
My family doesn't like that I play poker and by doing this mistakes that I wrote above, I keep myself under-achieved so they can be right.
It agonizes me to be drained in debt, but if I can put my head in place I can make a really good living with the game (without the tilts). I really crush the stakes I play, I discuss the game, study a lot, I do the math and review what I played. I know I can make huge profits playing this game. I just feel really bad doing this shit that I do, specially in a quarantine period where most people are without jobs. I can get what I want in my life with this game, but I can't live doing this things over and over, my health is terrible right now.
Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum:
Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.
Last edited: