Primeperiwinkle
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- Nov 30, 2018
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Ok I can help you!!! I did the EXACT same thing for years basically staying in a loop of success, sabotage, agony, survival mode.
It’s like 50% of me KNEW I could get out of any debt (and I was right I could) but then once I was free of debt the other 50% of me would kick in and say I didn’t DESERVE to be happy.
So I found really inventive ways of punishing myself over and over and over. What finally started the healing process was my kids.. because I wasn’t about to let my hatred for me (the inner angry voice) affect them.
Little by little, I recognized the truth of the above paragraph. It was MY OWN hatred of MYSELF that was crippling me. Every time I got anywhere close to happy I would radically change my environment, redoing my reality to match my inner turmoil. On the outside I looked fine but on the inside I felt like I wasn’t worth shit. So I made certain aspects of my life like shit.
It sounds like you’re doing the same. You get focused because you hate the shit, then you work realllllllllly hard to get out of it.. then you feel like a fraud.
My childhood wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t healthy. Then I got married to.. well not a good guy. It took getting away from all of that WHILE ALSO making solid friends who accept me and loved me while I tackled other stuff (like reading or playing pool or jiu jitsu or hell.. even knitting) to teach me that I was a decent person who can be happy and doesnt have to feel guilty about being happy. My clients helped too cuz they’re all super supportive.
So here’s the steps.
1. Find some more stuff to do with your time besides your job.
2. Inundate yourself with beautiful things and ideas (basically NOT shit)
3.Fail horribly at that stuff.
4. Try again.
5. Figure out what you actually love whether it’s a different music or a different workout or books that no one in your family has ever heard of.. find something to love that SEPARATES you from your past shitty self.
6. Get confidence.
7. Look in the mirror directly into your own eyes and tell yourself you forgive him.
8. Tell yourself you love you.
9. Go have a mini breakdown because wow was that F*cking hard and it clearly shouldn’t be that hard.
10. Hate healthy ppl for a while cuz they don’t have to learn this crap.
11. Realize that EVERYONE who has to recover from any emotional wounds has to do this exact same stuff.
12. Think about God or the Universe or whatever
13. Thank God for making you.
14. Deepen your love for those new beautiful ideas and activities.
15. Realize that your affections are what make you who you are.. and by changing your affections YOU HAVE ACTUALLY CHANGED.
16. Realize the fact that your old shitty self wouldn’t even recognize your new self..
17. Be proud.
18. Keep going with all of that and help other ppl.
19. Realize it’s not 50% good you vs. 50% bad you any more. It’s more like 90/10.
20. Don’t feel too guilty about that crappy 10%. Lol.
So your action step today is to find ANY hobby, activity or idea that is utterly foreign to you.. like soap carving.. or braiding hair or climbing mountains.. or arranging flowers and go try it.
Remember, every time you subtly change your environment you’re gonna push your own comfort levels. Right now you are ACTUALLY MORE COMFORTABLE with failure than you are with success. You believe you’re a failure.
But you’re not. You’re just a person who has failed. There’s a difference. You’re also a person who has succeeded.
If you were actually a shitty person you wouldn’t be trying to change, you wouldn’t be willing to do new stuff and you wouldn’t ever try to help anyone else.
Turns out you’re a good person, who deserves love and stability and safety. Your parents failed at giving some of those to you but it wasn’t because you didn’t deserve them.
Hugs.
It’s like 50% of me KNEW I could get out of any debt (and I was right I could) but then once I was free of debt the other 50% of me would kick in and say I didn’t DESERVE to be happy.
So I found really inventive ways of punishing myself over and over and over. What finally started the healing process was my kids.. because I wasn’t about to let my hatred for me (the inner angry voice) affect them.
Little by little, I recognized the truth of the above paragraph. It was MY OWN hatred of MYSELF that was crippling me. Every time I got anywhere close to happy I would radically change my environment, redoing my reality to match my inner turmoil. On the outside I looked fine but on the inside I felt like I wasn’t worth shit. So I made certain aspects of my life like shit.
It sounds like you’re doing the same. You get focused because you hate the shit, then you work realllllllllly hard to get out of it.. then you feel like a fraud.
My childhood wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t healthy. Then I got married to.. well not a good guy. It took getting away from all of that WHILE ALSO making solid friends who accept me and loved me while I tackled other stuff (like reading or playing pool or jiu jitsu or hell.. even knitting) to teach me that I was a decent person who can be happy and doesnt have to feel guilty about being happy. My clients helped too cuz they’re all super supportive.
So here’s the steps.
1. Find some more stuff to do with your time besides your job.
2. Inundate yourself with beautiful things and ideas (basically NOT shit)
3.Fail horribly at that stuff.
4. Try again.
5. Figure out what you actually love whether it’s a different music or a different workout or books that no one in your family has ever heard of.. find something to love that SEPARATES you from your past shitty self.
6. Get confidence.
7. Look in the mirror directly into your own eyes and tell yourself you forgive him.
8. Tell yourself you love you.
9. Go have a mini breakdown because wow was that F*cking hard and it clearly shouldn’t be that hard.
10. Hate healthy ppl for a while cuz they don’t have to learn this crap.
11. Realize that EVERYONE who has to recover from any emotional wounds has to do this exact same stuff.
12. Think about God or the Universe or whatever
13. Thank God for making you.
14. Deepen your love for those new beautiful ideas and activities.
15. Realize that your affections are what make you who you are.. and by changing your affections YOU HAVE ACTUALLY CHANGED.
16. Realize the fact that your old shitty self wouldn’t even recognize your new self..
17. Be proud.
18. Keep going with all of that and help other ppl.
19. Realize it’s not 50% good you vs. 50% bad you any more. It’s more like 90/10.
20. Don’t feel too guilty about that crappy 10%. Lol.
So your action step today is to find ANY hobby, activity or idea that is utterly foreign to you.. like soap carving.. or braiding hair or climbing mountains.. or arranging flowers and go try it.
Remember, every time you subtly change your environment you’re gonna push your own comfort levels. Right now you are ACTUALLY MORE COMFORTABLE with failure than you are with success. You believe you’re a failure.
But you’re not. You’re just a person who has failed. There’s a difference. You’re also a person who has succeeded.
If you were actually a shitty person you wouldn’t be trying to change, you wouldn’t be willing to do new stuff and you wouldn’t ever try to help anyone else.
Turns out you’re a good person, who deserves love and stability and safety. Your parents failed at giving some of those to you but it wasn’t because you didn’t deserve them.
Hugs.
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