Some retard trying to solve a problem (me)

[Shortypants]

Hello fellow fastlaners,

Do you love playing video games?
Oh really? Me too! How awesome!
Did you know that there is a potential goldmine in this saturated market?
Oh wow, sounds amazing! tell me more about it!

Alright so I was browsing Steam for games to play, when suddenly I noticed the patch notes of a game I've played regularly for quite some time.
The writing was TERRIBLE. Worse than mine, no joke.
So I looked up their website. Same shit.

So I figured I would help them. I contacted the game developers promising I could make more people press the "play now" button. But in reality I have no idea what I am doing.
I haven't gotten a response yet, but I will keep you up to date when I get new information.

In fact, I don't think this post even holds any value unless I get a positive response.

Please be easy on me, since I have litterally no idea what I am doing, but I'm just taking some action.


This is the mail I've sent:



You are losing customers right NOW, here's how...

I was just browsing the Steam app, when suddenly I noticed a news update from (Insert gaming company).
While I read the patch notes, my writing instinct kicked in, and I couldn't help but notice the mistakes that were made.

I thought to myself: "This is a professional game developer, surely they must've hired somebody with the skills to captivate the people who browse Steam?" (No offense)

This is when I moved to your website, where I was disappointed, once again.
The site was unable to give me a reason WHY I should click the big orange "Play Free NOW" button.

So I thought, this can be done much better, with few changes.


My name is ********,

I am a 20 year old college student from the Netherlands with great passion for copywriting.

I want to help YOU, by making more people press that Big Orange Button.

If you are interested, and want PROOF of my abilities, please send me a new update text, and I'll make it better.

• Faithfully,

• (Shortypant's name)

(/end mail)

I

 

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[wade1mil]

O siemmz moli vji opovoevowi. E duaqmi quopvt: Vji ineom ot qsivvz optamvoph. O fup'v howi e tjov ecuav cioph uggiptowi qiuqmi epf uvjis tudoem katvodi CT, cav O'n haittoph ov xup'v jimq zua fiwimuq seqqusv vu dmuti vji fiem. Tidupf, gsun nz qistqidvowi, tezoph zua'si e 20 zies umf tvafipv egvis optamvoph nz dunqepz, ot e coh GADL ZUA (apmitt O'n e 20 zies umf heni fiwimuqis qeopgammz xsovoph nz uxp qevdj puvit epf en fitqisevimz muuloph gus tuniupi moli zua). Emtu, O'n haittoph vji meshi nekusovz ug qiuqmi siefoph qevdj puvit esi qiuqmi vjev esi emsiefz qmezoph vji heni (e muv). O dep'v tii qiuqmi siefoph qevdj puvit vu tii og vjiz xepv vu qmez vji heni gus vji gostv voni.

Uwisemm vjuahj, O moli vji opovoevowi nusi vjep O jevi vji ineom. Vjev tusv ug cemmt ot wemaecmi op catopitt epf op mogi. Xju lpuxt, nezci zua hiv e huuf sitqupti. Huuf madl!

 

[Shortypants]

O siemmz moli vji opovoevowi. E duaqmi quopvt: Vji ineom ot qsivvz optamvoph. O fup'v howi e tjov ecuav cioph uggiptowi qiuqmi epf uvjis tudoem katvodi CT, cav O'n haittoph ov xup'v jimq zua fiwimuq seqqusv vu dmuti vji fiem. Tidupf, gsun nz qistqidvowi, tezoph zua'si e 20 zies umf tvafipv egvis optamvoph nz dunqepz, ot e coh GADL ZUA (apmitt O'n e 20 zies umf heni fiwimuqis qeopgammz xsovoph nz uxp qevdj puvit epf en fitqisevimz muuloph gus tuniupi moli zua).

Vjepl zua tu nadj gus vji sitqupti.

O ectumavimz ehsii xovj zua. Ov xet xez vuu optamvoph.

Topdi vjot ot nz gostv siem opovoevowi, O xepv vu vitv e cov.
Piyv voni O xomm ci iyvsinimz seqqusv tiiloph. O juqi O xomm gopf e cemepdi iwipvaemmz epf miesp vjsuahj vsoem epf issus.

Vjeplt updi eheop!

 

[furiousJ]

Duphsevt up veloph edvoup

Vjot qutv ot et wemaecmi et xjev zua miesp gsun ov. Tunivonit e pihevowi sitqupti ot nusi wemaecmi vjip e qutovowi upi.

Katv e gix tahhitvoupt gsun epuvjis puuc.

Etl vjin xjev vjiz piif, xjev't vjios cohhitv qeop quopv. Etl vjin og vjiz'si jeqqz xovj vji enuapv ug qiuqmi xju qmez vjios heni,us wumani ug dmodl vjsuahj. Nutv emxezt vjiz xomm xepv nusi, apmitt vjisi ot ep iydimmipv dupwistoup sevi emsiefz, op vjev deti vjiz xomm qsucecmz xepv nusi wumani gsun vjios eft.

Epuvjis suavi ot vu ifadevi vjin optvief ug optamvoph vjin.:qmezgam:

Vjot ot jux zua dep hiv nusi qiuqmi vu qmez zua'si heni! epf haofi vjin vjsuahj zuas qsuditt.
us
Jux X.U.X. huv 3 nommoup(us xvw) qiuqmi vu qmez vjios heni.op ___ nupvjt!., Epf jux zua dep fu ov vuu!
us
Vjot ot jux zua'si mutoph datvunist, sohjv pux!

-optisv ifadevoupem voqt, simiwepv tvevt us gap gedvt
*iyenqmi.... tvevt tjux 90% ug qiuqmi jevi usephi cavvupt, epf sigati vu dmodl up vjin.(puv vsai cvx)

Vjot ot xjev O xomm fu gus zua ! -optisv wemai qsuq- Vjip Opvsufadi zuastimg epf neli ov wisz ietz gus jon vu dupvedv zua.

Veli vjot gus xjev ov't xusvj. O'n emtu miespoph. Nezci tuni nusi iyqisoipdif xsovist dep djosq op.
djiist!

 

[sparechange]

tvien ot xusvj $1.5 commoup, o fupv vjopl vjiz xomm ci dupdispif xovj zuas vjuahjvt up vjizsi qsufadv, emvjuahj zua jewi vji sohjv vjoploph, qistupemmz et e henis nztimg o duamf puv desi epz mitt ecuav qevdj aqfevi puvodit.

emtu howoph exez ep ofie vu onqsuwi e dunqepz, o depv tii jux vjiz esi ucmohevif vu dunqiptevi zua gopepdoemmz.