Significant Other

[Kinsey6287]

I gotta vent to someone. Sorry guys, but ya'll are the only one's I know that share my Fastlane Mindset.

My wife has been slowing me down on my current project for SO LONG!!! Every night I get home from work, and then sit down at the computer to work on my website. All she says, "You always come home and sit in front of the computer". Like I'm playing damn computer games or something!?!?! Then every time I want to discuss ideas for the business with her, she just kind of blows me off. And there is so much more than just this. I am just getting so tired of it!!

So, do any of you have a significant other that just does nothing but holds you back? And if so how have you dealt with it?

 

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[CMCarlin]

It's all about balance IMHO.

Our wives are similar. She understands my goals and dreams, yet will complain if what I'm doing when I get home is jump on the computer. This will never change. As much as she wants me to achieve my goals, she is living in the moment and wants to spend time with me right now.

It's caused a few arguments and frustration on both our parts. So if she is someone that you do want to spend the rest of your life with, you still have to commit to investing time with her to keep her happy right now, not after the business is built or else she might not be around to see the successes. On the other hand, sometimes marriages just don't work out. If you do want it to work out, it is about balancing your time. Yes that means less time to work on your business, but there may be less frustration in the home.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[rocksolid]

My wife is also like yours. It's important to sit down with her and have a real talk. Find out what her goals are for your future and then tell her yours. Set deadlines for things. I explaine to my wife that we need to look over our bookkeeping and I know it's not fun but it is something that needs to be done. I always say I don't want to be old and have to eat dogfood. It would never happen of cource but I am trying to make a point. Your wife may be open to other business ventures if you are able to show her some positive results from current projects.

 

[Rem]

I can relate to this. My wife was not supportive of my online business at first. I am in a bit of a different situation than you. I was a stay at home dad and all I did was change diapers, do laundry, dishes, etc. It's not even a role reversal, it's the short end of the stick because not only was I cooking every night and doing domestic stuff, I was mowing the lawn, painting the house, putting up a new fence, fixing this and fixing that, etc. The wife worked, came home, ate what I cooked, and jumped into her pajamas and laid in bed reading, watching TV, etc.

I couldn't sit and stare at the walls all day and I hated doing "chores" so I started my own online business. The wife didn't like it at first because I never asked her about it. I just formed it on my own. In the evenings I would work on it. She of course could run off to take a hot soapy bath and relax but if I jumped on the computer it was that I was neglecting the family as if I hadn't been there ALL FREAKIN DAY changing diapers.

Anyway, I told her that if something ever happened to her I needed to be able to provide for the kids. She still was not supportive.

Now I pay myself a nice chunk of change each month and my wife likes it. She is now beginning to see I am pulling my weight in dollar amounts and she can now envision us possibly better off in 10 years from now than what she originally thought.

I am not sure about you, but personally I had to form my own hours. I spent more time during the day working on the site but when the wife got home I was off the computer and stayed off. Weekends I may check my email but I have to spend them offline just to make my family happy and plus I don't want to lose all sense of reality. It's nice to have a good break and not work so much. It makes my time on the computer more efficient.

You may not get much support. I didn't. You may get more support as your paycheck goes up. Good luck.

 

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[BurnBright]

My ex-wife was similar. (So this is a "do as I say not as a do" comment) My advise would be to bring her on-side show her your plan, what the payoff could be and where it will take you both. Think of it as your first investor pitch. You also need to make time for non-work activities otherwise you just become roommates.

Edit: Also should add use her as a sounding board. Value her opinons and give serious thoughts to her questions.

 

[Russ H]

Lots of good advice here.

The easiest/best way to do this is get her on the same page. That's more work, and harder to do in the short term-- but long term, it's much better for everyone.

Note that not every spouse/sig other *wants* to be on the same page! It's not just a case of "here's what I'm doing and I'd like you to join me". It's more: "Here's what I'm doing, and why (list bennies for your family). I want to spend time w/you and the kids--- but I'd LOVE it if we could also work together on this. It would mean a lot to me."

Then, find out things that interest them. Don't just "assign" (or assume) something.

Last but not least, use the Vaynerchuk approach: Do your day job from 9 to 5, be totally in the family moment (or, if no kids-- w/your S.O) from 5 to 8/9, THEN, work on your biz from 9-2/3 am.

Don't make it seem like you're clock watching for that magic 8 or 9 pm-- if you are, your work is more fun/more important than your relationship. And you need to make a choice: Either make the relationship more important, or break up.

-Russ H.

 

[TC2]

Well. I am the lucky guy here.

I have a very supportive wife who works full time while I am working from home on my own projects in the past 3.5 years.

She was very supportive when I decided to quit my corporation slave job. I have not really reach my goal in the past years, but she understand that it will take time to achieve the goal. Many successful entrepreneurs stay home for over 6 years to get what they have today. Don't give yourself any excuse to be lazy!

Personally, I keep pushing myself and showing her I am making GREAT progress and give her the hope and confidence on what I am doing.

The most important thing is to have faith to yourself. If you have little uncertain in your mind, you are not 100% supporting yourself.

Being an entrepreneur is a lonely road. Not everyone understand your vision and your dream. The only way to get their support is to believe what you do show them what you have done.

With your strong faith, hope will come!

 

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[Kinsey6287]

Thanks guys. Its nice to know I'm not alone. Some really great advice and I will surely use it. WE have sat down and talked about business ideas and plans for the future and she agrees (or at least she says she does) that it would be nice to have more income even if its only $100 bucks a month more. But then she doesn't want to put in the blood, sweat, and tears to make it work.

I suppose I could give her more attention, but its just when I get started on projects like this I want to devote as much time as possible to it to make it work. And not make it work 6 months from now, but make it work now!!!

 

[Kinsey6287]

Great post terence! Thank you! I was typing up my reply while you posted that. And you are a lucky man!

 

[MJ DeMarco]

I'd suggest sitting your wife down and try to get on the same page with her ... show her WHY you are in front of the computer and put it into the terms that is important to HER ... like, you are investing in FREE time for the future, you are investing in a better life, you are investing in your kid's future, you are investing in a life free of debt ... only you know what your wife will respond too ... if she is against you, then that makes her a "significant distraction" and a headwind on your journey.

 

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[Caesarion]

Bro,

I've been exactly where you are. All I can say is, if you love her you gotta share the wins with her, and "act" like ideas you come up with for your what you are doing is "ours". Schedule some time before you sit down at the computer to spend, even if it's 20 mins.

I went balls out all day on my project and told her "You'll be happy when the money comes". In my case even when the money did start pouring in, she resented me so much, she didn't give a shit about it.

If you love her, break out some time. I know it's hard because the drive is strong but if thats the one you want to be with you gotta nurture that. My mentor told me something that was made so much sense he said:

A woman wants to marry a king, but doesn't want to help a prince build a kingdom.

Most wife's like you how you are. They have a fear that once you get to another level financially, you find better women, so they subconsciously don't want you to succeed. Just my opinion.

Stay strong Bru, don't stop!

 

[mtnman]

There is a point here that everyone should pay attention to, though I am not sure I can articulate it correctly.

Often, when you want something enough, it consumers you if you allow it. Very often, this is what it takes to accomplish many thing we discuss around here.

Point being, you change. Some much more than others, especially if you begin to love the process. Sometimes, you will never be the same again. This is in reference to how others "see" you.

Ask me how I know... :smx3:

My point is this: consider, when you paint dreams of having this free time for others (as reasoning for your actions), security in whatever your destination may be, and so on, that it may not turn out that way.

Now, I mean that in the most sincere and nicest way possible. It's just that sometimes you become addicted to "the process" even after reaching a couple milestones. This is well and good, but anytime you begin ANY TYPE of relationship before a major shift, it can sometimes be difficult to stay merged in the thinking fields.

 

[rocksolid]

Maybe you set up a schedule; You work on your project on Monday, wed, and thur in the evenings and the rest of the week you spend with her. Or maybe you just work 1 hr a day in the evenings on the project ( not sure you would get much done in an hr ) You need to make it work if you want to stay married. A marrage is work, a job all on it's own. Make it work first and find a way to make eveybody happy.

 

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[Russ H]

More great points.

I forgot you said this was your wife.

For me, that's a whole 'nother ball game than having a gf.

A marriage is an investment.

You need to devote your time, energy, and (most important), your PASSION to it.

Not just to your partner.

To the concept of keeping your bond healthy.

There's a difference.

For me, marriage is more than good times and having a best friend (but it is those things, too).

It's about helping each other-- both through the bad times, and when times are rough for *them*, but not for you. When maybe you'd rather be doing other things.

It's about being self-less. Not cow-towing, or being a wimp. Rather-- truly wanting the other person to have that last cookie, or a better seat at the movies.

It's about putting the "US" before the "me" (or the "her").

Not sure if that makes sense. I've never been good at discussing this kind of stuff.

Best advice I ever got was: "A marriage is WORK. Hard work. It's fun at times, and rewarding, and sometimes-- it's painful, horrible, awful--the hardest work you'll ever do.

Know that going into it, and you'll find that it's the best work you ever do in your life."

-Russ H.

 

[AroundTheWorld]

I didn't read all of the responses.... under a deadline.... so I am sorry if this is redundant...

I'd bet that "not being on the same page" isn't the only issue. I'd bet that for her, the bigger issue is that she misses you. She wants attention from you, and the way she feels attention is time. (some are gifts, some are talking, etc. etc.)

If you make a commitment to spend one hour when you get home and X number of hours on your days off focused on being with her (and not business) I'll bet you will start to see a different attitude.

Give her what she needs, and it will be easier for her to give you what you need.

 

[Operation_OPM]

So, do any of you have a significant other that just does nothing but holds you back? And if so how have you dealt with it?

Any other situation one needs to prioritize and do a honest critical analysis of themselves and the direction of the relationship.

With marriage....resistance is futile but necessary.

-Address the context, if you were building a net business before you got married and had a routine, stick too it. If this is something new and you changed her hours..you're asking for a divorce. You will have to show her how important this is to you...create a schedule with quantifiable goals/benchmarks and keep to them, then...

-Include her on every aspect of what you are doing, marriage is a general partnership...not an LP. Every domain registration, SEO tip, forum upgrade, PPC dollar,lawyer/accountant visits ect.ect. needs to be summarized and reported to her. Half of it is hers.

-Balance...you will have to shift from business to relationship mode..every single day...several times a day. Also block hours for major special occasions. Never ever let a day/hour go by where you do not break focus and acknowledge her. If she married you, she wants time with you for herself...bless her with quality.

Being married you do not have the luxury of being a 24/7 robot working around the clock. If she's "slowing" you down then slow down. She cannot stop you.

I'm just armchair quarterbacking here...I'm single, I trade FOREX at 3:30 in the morning and hang up bandit signs at 4am once the police have gone home.:coffee:



PS--This is 2010 so know that the technological side of insecurity is in full effect...you may be in a dreamweaver/wordpress project....but she might think you have facebook/myspace chat and IRC/twitter going....be real and be honest.

 

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[Rawr]

More great points.

I forgot you said this was your wife.

For me, that's a whole 'nother ball game than having a gf.

A marriage is an investment.

You need to devote your time, energy, and (most important), your PASSION to it.

Not just to your partner.

To the concept of keeping your bond healthy.

There's a difference.

For me, marriage is more than good times and having a best friend (but it is those things, too).

It's about helping each other-- both through the bad times, and when times are rough for *them*, but not for you. When maybe you'd rather be doing other things.

It's about being self-less. Not cow-towing, or being a wimp. Rather-- truly wanting the other person to have that last cookie, or a better seat at the movies.

It's about putting the "US" before the "me" (or the "her").

Not sure if that makes sense. I've never been good at discussing this kind of stuff.

Best advice I ever got was: "A marriage is WORK. Hard work. It's fun at times, and rewarding, and sometimes-- it's painful, horrible, awful--the hardest work you'll ever do.

Know that going into it, and you'll find that it's the best work you ever do in your life."

-Russ H.

Great dynamic, unfortunately usually the girl wants to be taken care of and is the ME not US. I know a great couple, the guy is exactly what you wrote, he is the best guy anyone knows, the girl is sweet and nice, but her dad is literally killing himself to provide for the desires of her mom/her/her parents. What do you think will happen if they get married. I am sure there are girls out there who will support you and who will be awesome in a relationship, I just know that the majority of women want their cake, want to eat it too, and want to have more leftover - and you better be the magic chief making lots of cake without stopping giving attention...


oh boy, reading this thread again, I really don't want to be married until I already accomplished things and don't need to work as hard

 

[Kinsey6287]

Wow, this is really great. I will devote more time to her seeing how lately I have been pushing her to the side a bit to take care of business. However, I need to make sure she knows the importance of the business and how it will set us up for success in the future.

Its going to be a juggling act with chainsaws and flaming sticks,.... But Its worth it.

 

[Kinsey6287]

Rawr,.. you crack me up man. You speak the truth though. If I had to do it all over again,... I would wait.

 

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[EastWind]

[rant]
this is why I plan not to ever get married.

I have noticed that most women don't mind "spending" wasting time with a man, you can give them all the time in the world and lay up with them and it's all fine and dandy, but the moment, you get up to do something constructive with your time, you become uncaring cuz you are not available to give them all the attention in the world. of course, God forbids there are bills to be paid. then your square job better be enough for you.

if you decide to do it big, the vast majority of them will not support you, but if you do make it big, they all will be happy to take half. it's a very terrible situation, behind plenty of men that have succeeded is a great woman, behind more that have failed are shit load of women too! women will have you walk on razor blades, cheering and praying your cut your a$$ in half. so they can say, see, i told ya not to.

anywayz, good luck to those of you guys who are married. it's going to be hella hard changing their mindset, it's way easier to start out with someone with a similiar mindset OR lay out your rules and how you roll from the get go, either she gets in or she gets out the way.
[/rant]

 

[Dhappy]

I could write a book, but I'm not. I agree with the last few posts. I have never found a woman yet that would help instead of hindering my business. I have lost many girlfriends over the years that did not understand the time it takes to make it.

My last girlfriend and I was on are way to the beach when I came across a hot real estate deal. We did'nt make it to the beach. I got the house and made 40k, but lost the girl.

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

Eben Pagan says something profound in his latest interview with Tony Robbins:

"People really make money into god.. they will do anything for it... until they would give anything in a millions years to get back their health or relationships."

Wealth is not only defined by how much money you have in the bank, but by how healthy and how great of shape you are in, how emotionally stable and happy you are, how spiritually powerful you are, and how amazing your relationships are.

I wouldn't say choose one or the other. Choose both. While sometimes tough to see the forest through the trees, If you love this woman, you will make it work. Good Luck

 

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[Runum]

My wife has always been risk averse and did not like investing. What changed her was seeing, in black and red, the results of leaving your money in a 401k using buy and hold for a strategy. Also, she saw that paying someone else to manage your investments didn't work. So, when I showed her the numbers and explained the pros and cons she was all for it. It took a long conversation about what real risk was and what she was really in fear of. Once we were on the same page about risk it was all go. She doesn't actively participate but she does take care of things for me behind the scenes. Now, after a few years of this, she likes the results and the fruits of not following the beaten path.:cheers: