Parents deciding my fate, need to get out

[Vick]

I would ask your mom and dad why they are making you choose a path to which you will be very unhappy for the rest of your life.

Why they think they should choose your life for you.

If it was me.. I'd just tell them to F*ck off and mind there own business. but that's just me.

 

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[jon.a]

Obviously we have a generation and a culture gap. Anyway, what about seeking help from an elder? Even "adults" have elders whose counsel they respect. Grandparents, an Aunt or Uncle? Maybe even a respected family friend?

You need an older ally that your father respects and will listen to. There has to be someone within your world that can understand and help you to make your case.

This assumes of course that you can convince this elder that you have your shit together. This person would also likely be your first mentor.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

If you want to study business at the university then do it, thats your business.

Problem is, I'm sure the parents are footing the bill. If they're paying for the education, they ultimately hold the power.

 

[Allan Black]

 

[Worldisyours]

You need to calm down OP.

The first thing you need to work on is TRANSITIONING to standing on your won feet. Once you are able to stand on your own feet without help, then you can start amking moves. Without your self made base there is no way to move forward

 

[CommonCents]

I would question your false choice of giving in or rebelling, running away solves very little. Think of your parents as your first big customer. If you have a tough customer do you run away? You got prelim feedback that your presentation of your life plan needs some work. Sell your parents on your choices and give them good data and reasons why. Do your research and consider your audience. You can throw a medical twist as a medical biz potential opportunities on it if you want to weave in their medical status appeal "wants", to get buy in.

A billion kids would nearly kill to be in your spot. Downgrading yourself to being nearly homeless and poverty level will not help you at all. Give your parents a little credit. Think of your parents as potential investors in you and your business plans. Which is exactly what they are. If they aren't buying in, it tells you that you need work on your pitch.

A question I ask myself a lot is "would i rather be rich or be right". When you are financially secure it's much easier to hold out to prove a point and be "right". Being "right" costs a lot of money. Ask anyone who's ever hired an attorney. Until then, pick your battles and work with what you have. Think of your parents as investors/customers. You need to tweak your pitch to solve their problems and meet their needs. This does not mean doing everything they say, it means change and pitch your plan to satisfy their requirements so they agree with you.

 

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[Twiizlar]

Guys, I've said this in another thread...

There is a huge need for someone of Asian or Indian culture to write a book on how to deal and break-free from overbearing parents who demand to dictate the path of their childs' life into unwanted professions. It seems that these parents don't give a shit about their kid's happiness, but only about the prestige of having to say "My child's a doctor".

Its funny that the other post you are talking about is also made by me. I cant convince my parents. They are set on this doctor thing. They know i do good in school and i can actualy get through med school if i wanted to. But i dont. In their eyes i have all these opporutunities and i should make the most of it. Its just been what my life have been revolving around since i was little. I cant just change their mind in a couple of conversations. They think i will thank them later for the decision to keep me on the pre med track. I think i am just going to make them happy, do premed until my fastlane business takes off (if it does) and then drop out of college.

 

[Lathan]

I think i am just going to make them happy

What about you? I think it's disgusting for someone to throw their own happiness away to please someone else. I don't care if it's a friend, romantic partner, sibling, or PARENTS. If it were me I would just not go to college at all. I've heard so many people who went to college talking about how their real learning process started when they got out. It's YOUR life for christs sake.

do premed until my fastlane business takes off (if it does) and then drop out of college.

If this is the case then you are going to end up disappointing them either way so you might as well get it over with now.

 

[Runum]

What about you? I think it's disgusting for someone to throw their own happiness away to please someone else.

I disagree. This is an extremely selfish stance and IMHO is what is wrong with life today. We see things black/white, happiness/unhappiness, throw life away, etc. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Life throws you curves.

No one has guaranteed anyone the right to happiness. The choice to be happy is yours whether things go your way or not. Sometimes life gives you stuff that is tough, maybe your child gets injured or disabled, maybe your elderly parent's health takes a bad turn. You cannot always dictate the situation or circumstance but the choice to be happy is still yours.

It may make the OP happy to keep his parents happy. It is his life and his choice. Don't label it as disgusting just because his choice is not your choice.

 

[Lathan]

It may make the OP happy to keep his parents happy

Good point. But I still find it quite disturbing. I understand life isn't all rainbows and flowers and sometimes we have to make sacrifices but there is a difference between making a sacrifice and throwing away your self respect.

But, at the end of the day all you have is yourself in this world. If it's selfish then so be it but I would make the decision that makes me happy even if it meant disappointing family. Obviously in a perfect world I would want my decision to make both me and my parents or whom ever happy but sometimes that isn't possible. What IS selfish is for someone to push someone else to do something for their own gain instead of respecting the decision of the person whose life it actually effects.

I respect your opinion and it's an interesting perspective but we can agree to disagree.


EDIT: I will say this though.. This is a tough situation because I mean after all... his parents ARE paying for it so I guess they kind of have a right to make the decision but I still think they should let their son go after what he wants. They seem like parents who want the best for their son but I just don't agree with their methodology.

 

[smarty]

I honestly & truly hate your parents for this. And I hate saying this.
Man up, communicate what you want clearly, and do your thing. Period.
My mom also cares too much about us, to the point she provides every little detail, every time. And I hate this, I often argue with her about that.

Tell them you respect them and therefore you deserve and require the same respect to chose what is most meaningful to you. Whether they like it or not, it's irrelevant to you and it's not your business. Let the emotional part aside, talk reality.
Parents can make life decisions for you until the age or 13-14 but after that, they can at most observe and advice. Life experiences define you more than anything else on what you will become and teach you more than anything else what you really want.
Do not let yourself be governed by fear, for it will become your comfort zone. Step up on doing what you like to do. They will back away after a while.

 

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[Guest3722A]

I disagree. This is an extremely selfish stance and IMHO is what is wrong with life today. We see things black/white, happiness/unhappiness, throw life away, etc. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Life throws you curves.

No one has guaranteed anyone the right to happiness. The choice to be happy is yours whether things go your way or not. Sometimes life gives you stuff that is tough, maybe your child gets injured or disabled, maybe your elderly parent's health takes a bad turn. You cannot always dictate the situation or circumstance but the choice to be happy is still yours.

It may make the OP happy to keep his parents happy. It is his life and his choice. Don't label it as disgusting just because his choice is not your choice.

I wish I could speed this! speed +++++!

 

[Runum]

Interesting to hear all the young guns here asserting their independence.

I agree that it's his life and his choices. However, his choices are influenced by his history, family finances, and personal relationships with his parents. When you become a dad and have a teen of your own you may see the other side.

I have raised one and work with hundreds of teens over the years. Not many are very focused on what they want and have planned to get. ALL teens I have met want the nice house, car, pets, spouse, etc. A few may have a plan or an idea to get there. Even fewer have the guts, drive, and determination to achieve it.

There are many problems here and I have experienced it from many directions.

As a teen, all I wanted was my independence and for people to leave me alone. I took the first crappy job I could that would provide me with the income I needed. That decision has an impact on my life today, good or bad.

As a dad, I want what is best for my kid. I want her to grow past my mistakes and make her own. We have discussed the limits of my support as she makes her way in the world.

As an educator/mentor I see one problem with US society and the education system. We, collectively, tell the kids where to be and what to do until 18. At 18 and graduated, we tell them that they are an adult, good luck. Some kids just are not ready for that. Some can't cope with all the sudden freedom and choices. Some can.

The OP is at a crossroads. He is young and inexperienced. He is going to have to make tough, adult decisions. No way around it, someone is not going to get what they want. Only the OP can make those decisions.

I don't know many parents that can be reasonable about this. They have 18 years of money, time, and emotion invested into you. For the mom, it's all about emotion and love for her grown baby. For the dad, it's all about logic.

We have to respect the decision the OP makes, he is the one that will have to live with it.

Good luck.

 

[dknise]

Move out kid! If you believe college is something you need for success, either forge your own path, convince your parents, or put up with their choices because it is their money. I think it is honorable that you recognize the last option. You don't HAVE to work a minimum waged job, there are more options available to you. Look into fresh out of high school internships and any job that's tippable like being a waiter. If you take this path, pay attention to all of the business happening around you. You will learn a great deal!

Goodluck!

 

[Lathan]

I want her to grow past my mistakes and make her own

Perhaps our friend Twizlaar's parents should want him to make his own mistakes as well.

I'm all for parents wanting the best for their kids and doing everything in their power to lead them in the right direction, but don't you think it is a little unhealthy to over shelter your kids and make all their decisions for them? One of the main ways they are going to learn is by making mistakes. Yes, it will be a little heart breaking when your child tells you they don't want to follow the path you want them to go down but instead want to take a different path. But what's worse? Feeling a little heart break or having your child resent you when he goes down the path you wanted him to go down and ends up with a degree he has no interest in, working in a field he has no passion for while he wonders "what if i would have chosen MY path?". Even if the child chose the wrong path and ended up in a rough spot, if I was a parent I would feel better knowing that "I gave it a good shot at guiding my child in the right direction but he chose his own path and it didn't turn out so well for him so now he will just need to learn from it and move on" vs the feeling of "wow, i forced my child to go down the path that he didn't want to go down and now he is unhappy with his life and our relationship suffers because of that initial decision to make him go down so and so path".

But.. I'm not a parent.

By the way, I respect your view as a father Runum and it looks like your daughter is in good hands. I wish I had a father to teach me a thing or two growing up like you are teaching your daughter.

 

[Black Wolf]

I'd be tempted to put the case to ones parents that you've no desire to become a doctor and spend the rest of your life doing something you get no fulfilment from. But you need to make your case clear. Not sure if OP has explained things to his father as clearly as he has to us on the forums. Wondering if OP's desire to go to Business School has come as some out of the blue surprise to the father, or whether the father has known for some time that the OP really, really wants to do business and not medicine.

OP needs to clarify on whether communication between himself and the father is strong to begin with, lest we all make a lot of assumptions.

Well from what I make of this... Either way, I'd politely pass on the offer to go to college if it has to be on that basis.

I'd be extremely formal and non-emotional about it when you state it to them. I'd then be tempted to get some sort of part time job where you use part of the proceeds made to pay board to your parents, whilst offering to work free for a company/industry you want insight into. Hell you might even be taken on and paid.

You parents will see you aren't of the mind to storm off and will have to confront you on your reasons at some point. Why? Because you'll be there under their noses, amicably paying your way in adult fashion. It's 'stiff upper lip' passive resistance sure, but demonstrates you're not a parasite whose destiny is based on their injection of money and are constantly available for an adult discussion on the matter at all times. Probably the only sort of tactic you can use too unless you opt for the extreme option.

In fact they can't accuse you of being any sort of drain on resources (in any kinda heat of the moment fashion) given the money you're saving them in not going to college.

Tough decision ultimately.

 

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[Rawr]

Tell them you want to start writing erotica. Then negotiate down to business majors.

 

[dknise]

Tell them you want to start writing filming starring in erotica. Then negotiate down to business majors.

 

[Lagron]

Guys, I've said this in another thread...

There is a huge need for someone of Asian or Indian culture to write a book on how to deal and break-free from overbearing parents who demand to dictate the path of their childs' life into unwanted professions. It seems that these parents don't give a shit about their kid's happiness, but only about the prestige of having to say "My child's a doctor".

Never written a book before. But the more I read and hear of these similar situations the more I feel compelled to try.

 

[DeletedUser394]

Greatest thing I've read in a while.

Edit: tried to quote the quote by dknise.. didn't work.

 

[FastLearner]

I think it would be wise for you to come up with a SOLID plan that you know will work before making any rash decisions. This also includes college.

Dropping out is always a great solution but so is going to school.

I opted to drop-out, my parents still aren't completely comfortable with it and urge me to go back next semester. While I wasn't very productive at school, I'm more productive now but still learning something new everyday. I believe it's much worse to have a lack of motivation in something your parents are paying for. I don't quite know their financial situation, but even in this economic climate it isn't wise to just throw away money even if you have tons. College needs to be a solid investment in your end and if you're not quite invested in that route, you need to seriously evaluate the pros and cons of staying and choosing another major or analyzing pros and cons of dropping out.

Sure, it's obviously much easier to stay in school. For the next 4 years (if you're committed) you will have homework assignments and your classes will be as easy as pie if you're a good student and learn things rather quickly. Dropping out, on the other hand is not. You will have more time to dedicate to what you want to pursue but you'll have no one giving you a schedule or telling you what you need to get done so it becomes REALLY easy to slack off if your priorities aren't straightened out beforehand.

I don't advise a back-up plan for anyone. You're either going to do what you intend to or you're just not.

While your situation is fairly delicate and mirrors the experience of what many entrepreneurs often face when it comes to college, I would make sure that you're honest with yourself, actually know that this is what YOU want to do and acknowledge IF you have the capabilities to pull this off because if you don't, being a drop-out and not having shit going on is much worse than going to school and becoming a doctor.

 

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[biophase]

I think you should talk to your family and ask them this:

Do they want you to become a doctor because:

1 You are saving lives and helping people.
2 You can make alot of money.
3 They can brag to their friends about you?

Being Asian, I have had this talk with many of my Asian friends. I can tell you that #1 is never the reason. I would say that #2 is their main concern. They equate money with happiness and an easy life. #3 is also a big deal. It's not limited to Asian parents, everyone would love to brag about their kids to others. It makes them happy. However if you make $1M being a porn star, I bet they would not be doing #3. So it's really not #2, deep down inside it's really #3.

So once you address that question, assuming they answer #2. You will have the tough task of convincing them that you can make doctor money in business. Why? Because most immigrants only think of business as brick and mortar retail/service shops. They do not understand the internet.

Keep in mind that they do not know any better. They have been salary workers or super harding working store owners their entire lives. So if you are going to work hard your whole life, why not get the most dollars per hour? ie. doctor or lawyer.

Me and my friends still joke about Tony Hawk's parents. We wonder at what point they stopped telling him to stop skateboarding and get a real job. At some point, the parents will come around if the money is there.

With all that said...

I would go to college. Why? You are getting a free ride at college. You will enjoy the college life. Think of taking classes as "going to work" to pay the rent. During your free time, you can work on your business. You will meet many people your age and experience life. Your million dollar business may form from a need that you discover in class or in the dorms. College life will beat renting your own crappy apartment any day.

First and second year classes should be easy for you. Take these two years to create a business. If you can beginning making decent money by the end of second year, then show your parents what you've been doing. They will not understand that you can sit at home and work less hours and make more money. You will have to show them with proof. I will guarantee you that once this happens, they will brag to their friends about how their son makes $500,000 and works 4 hours a day, while the other poor sons have to work 16 hours as a doctor to make $300,000.

 

[Kak]

Good luck making money in medicine nowadays. You will never have control of your life again if you listen to them. First you will be a slave to your parents opinions, then you will be a salve to your debt, then you will be a slave to the government because they will be deciding every bit of your cash flow, you will certainly be a slave to a voting majority of idiots as well.

My parents would have known better than to change my major and mail something off for me. Why? Not because I would have fired back, but because they were reasonable people.

Your parents are unreasonable. Do with this info what you will, but don't puss out.

 

[JAJT]

I think i am just going to make them happy,

There's the line I was afraid would show up.

Very few people at this stage in life have what it takes to take a stand against their parents. Most just find an outlet to complain about the injustice and unfairness.

But no situation in life benefits from idly complaining about it. You can change your situation or you can change your attitude.

If you choose to be a doctor, choose to be a doctor who wants to be the best doctor they can be. This is changing your attitude without changing your situation. You will be happy.

If you choose to do something else, go do something else. Accept the consequences and hurdles and blaze your own path. This is changing your situation. You will be happy.

But don't, I repeat DO NOT choose to be the doctor who doesn't want to be a doctor. You will stress out, burn out, go gray early and be genuinely miserable muttering "I wish" until the end of your days.

 

[Mike Kavanagh]

I wasn't trying to say don't go to college. College is right for some people, but I'm not here to make that judgement.

Though I for one can say not to go to college for a business major, like business management. It's a waste of time. I took all the business classes I could in high school. I've learned more from doing the ebay gig then being in those classes.

If you are going to go to school for anything, go in for a skill.(Doctor, Engineer, Accountant, etc...) Make sure its what you want to do though

At least With a BM degree you might make a shift supervisor at a Starbucks to start paying off your debts.