Learning How to Get Out of My Own Way: Growth, Stagnation, and Rebuilding Momentum

[Metz]

I've already talked about my background at length in other posts so I'll spare y'all of the redundancy. To sum up though, I started dabbling in freelancing when I was 20, became fully self-employed around 22-23, had a hell of a shitty year in 2018 when I was 26, and now finally at 29, I've been regaining my footing and starting to see consistent growth again for the first time in 2.5-3 years.

But what I wanted to talk about was how between 2018 and now, how everything for me fell apart and forced me not only out of my comfort zone but to really address long-standing personal issues that I let fester for too long. A lot of these revolving around self-confidence and believing myself to be someone of value at all, not just when it comes to business.

The Weeds in My Mental Garden​

Since I was young, I've always dealt with depression and anxiety to some extent. From a chaotic family situation growing up to dealing with quite a handful of let downs from people that I should've been able to trust but then broke that trust.. to dealing with shitty bosses and jobs where I was reminded I was only a replaceable cog in their machine, I found that there were a few scripts I was programmed with that were detrimental to my development:

• "You are not valuable" or "You're only as valuable as long as you're useful to me"
• "My love for you is conditional"
• "You aren't deserving of being heard or seen"
• "You must constantly work to prove you're not a burden, otherwise you're just a waste"
• "If anyone cares about you, it'll only be temporary"

Among others. I was one of those kids who was an over-achiever throughout school, being pushed into sports and music and doing pretty well at them; I was in a fraternity in college and identified as a strong future leader for our chapter. But the people who propped me up into these activities -- even when I didn't want to (though was told I ought to and wasn't strong enough to say no) -- were often the same people who, seeing how I thrived, tore me down. That only reinforced the idea that any kind of success I had would be ripped away from me, and by none other than those who once told me they'd never abandon me.

I went from someone who knew how to work a room at networking events and was confident and gregarious to someone who hated his picture being taken. I used to enjoy going out with friends but then started just locking myself away in my room. And every attempt at trying to tell myself that I'm wanted and worthy and of value, those scripts would just drown out any attempt. My friends (mostly 20-something guys) didn't understand and eventually gave up trying. I don't blame them, but it didn't help me figure things out either.

It wasn't until I met a therapist in late 2018 who specialized in hypnotherapy that really helped me break out of the rut I found myself in. Before stumbling upon MJ's books, I was introduced to "The Code of the Extraordinary Mind" by Vishan Lakhiani that really helped me make sense of what to do (incidentally, it was after reading this book that prompted me to look for other entrepreneurial books and I was recommended The Millionaire Fastlane and so here I am). While a bit of it was a bit too New Agey for me, I really enjoyed his take on how our minds are like computers (the author was a programmer for Microsoft before getting into hypnotherapy and self-improvement); we spend all this time finding the best apps for what we want to do with our phones and computers, yet we allow out-dated apps (or our subconscious thoughts) just bog down our minds. They might have been useful in the past (even the scripts I listed had the purpose of protecting me from confrontation I couldn't get away from as a kid/young adult), but there are better options now. Other writers have mentioned something similar though likening our mind to a garden and the thoughts we water are those that thrive. After all, the more we think about something, the more true it becomes in our head -- and even if that thought isn't useful, its familiarity is what we crave, no matter how painful or detrimental it is.

Realizing this, and after a few sessions with my therapist addressing long-standing issues (and seeing how effective that was), I started learning how to do this for myself.

Flipping the Script​

Like I said, we're creatures of habit; like everything else in the universe, humans crave the path of least resistance (put into business jargon, I suppose one would call that efficiency so that we get the greatest output with the least input). Growth, on the contrary, is often a path of greater resistance. Growth is painful -- anyone who's tried to go to the gym and build muscle or lose weight (however you want to build your ideal body) knows this first hand. Mental and emotional growth are the same way.

The path of least resistance is the status quo of your thoughts, as positive or negative as they may be. For me, it was easier to believe the lies that I was just worthless and had to make up for the resource deficit my existence implies, even if that's not true. But after recognizing that and actively fighting against those thoughts, I'm in largely uncharted territory where a great many of you are already familiar. That is, belief in yourself and what you're doing, confidence, and security in your social circles.

My biggest challenge has been trying to put myself out there again. Me writing this rant is an exercise in that, but also being active on Instagram (I love taking nature photography as well as cool aesthetic screenshots of games I play, but I'm also learning the platform to help influence for my e-commerce business), hanging out with friends, and creating content on my websites and sharing it, networking with other people in different niches. Same thing with my work when trying to find clients and others to work with. Right now, there's a voice in my head S C R E A M I N G at me telling me that this post is stupid, that no one wants to read it, that no one gives a damn about anything I have to say. Yet I'm writing it anyway because I'll be damned if I allow faulty programming to continue to bully me and not let me enjoy life or feel like I'm allowed to participate anywhere. I'm not writing this for any kind of reaction.. I'm doing it because I want to share. If it helps someone or prompts conversation and new friendships, awesome. If not, that's cool too. The point is allowing me to share things and be seen and helping my brain realize that the universe isn't out to get me or doesn't want me around.

I think the most growth I've seen though has been over the past two or three months where I've allowed myself to accept compliments and support. I have a community of over 450 people built around one of my websites and every day, more and more of them have either been telling me how grateful they are for me creating something they've grown to love, or them wanting to help out either by helping moderate or set up events or telling their friends. Three of these people volunteered to help me test a model for my content writing business where for the first time, I've hired contractors to work for me, allowing me to scale and take on more work. Others have been helping me with my e-commerce site, buying my shirts (while refusing discounts) and posting on social media and telling their friends. After a life of feeling like a constant outsider often helping others to my own detriment, it's a strange place to not only have people clamoring to help me.. but to accept that help and not feel unworthy of it.

Now after a few months away, I wanted to be more active here because I realize too that I need more entrepreneurially-minded folks in my life to brainstorm with and be held accountable by. I have a long way to go to get to where I want to be but for the first time in my life that I can remember, I feel safe, wanted, and happy. And honestly, I think it was the lack of those things that kept me from wanting to grow and succeed in my work -- that I had all the ingredients and knew the recipe, but somehow managed to bungle it out of sheer anxiety that, if I pull it off, it'll just be ripped away from me like a cruel joke as it's happened in my past already.

But past performance does not indicate future returns; just because one deals with a lot of shitty circumstances doesn't mean there won't come a time where things turn around for them. I hope that this is my turning point where I finally get out of my own way and that the new scripts of confidence and security and allowing myself to be wanted and befriended take hold. I've never been more excited for my future.. nor more hungry for change.

All that's left is to keep pushing forward and learning what to do and what not to, I suppose.

Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.

 

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