My Current Girlfriend

[Anthony Mitoli]

I had to reply to this thread because the last three weeks or so have been relationship hell for me.



I've been in a very long term relationship, 10 years, and lately she has gotten cold, emotionally and physically. She used to talk of marriage and kids and now she speaks of marriage like it is a prison. Mind you that I do not often bring it up. She brings it up all the time. I tried talking to her about what she really wants but she never gives me a straight answer. I told her I bought a ring and was considering proposing to gauge her reaction ( bad idea most likely as I killed the surprise element but I thought she had seen the ring, she said she did not though so I feel like a moron ) but she said she was not ready. Now, had I actually manned up and asked her she may have said yes. To all you married men, did your lady ever play games like this? On one hand she is always asking where the relationship is headed and such, but then she is also acting like marriage terrifies her, yet we live as if we are married. Marriage seems like the right step to take but if we are running into this trouble now, should I end this? This would be very hard to end, I mean we are so close, likely closer than most married couples but I feel like I blew it by not proposing years ago.

Any ideas or can anybody here relate? I find most people push for ending relationships at the first sign of trouble but in reality love takes works, esp after 5, 6, and 10 years. If we made it so far without getting married, could the formality of making it official really destroy all we have together?

Suffice it to say that overtime infatuation morphs into deeper connection and friendship and sometimes things are hard while you grow together but we have never been through anything like this. She seems genuinely scared about where we are heading, has talked about moving out but never taken any action, etc. She openly tells me she loves me though and says she feels sad if she thinks about us breaking up. She wants to cuddle with me but not much more. I'm 99.99 sure there is no infedelity but the situation does make me feel insecure. She stopped taking her birth control pills, how on earth should I read that?! She says she feels frustrated, stuck, depressed, and fears that I have relied on her too much and that I need her. Funny because she has always leaned on me. Now she sees me as the weak one not unlike the OP. I have arrived at an impasse. Worst of all I have no idea what started her on this, no event I can tie to her sudden mod change.

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

I had to reply to this thread because the last three weeks or so have been relationship hell for me.



I've been in a very long term relationship, 10 years, and lately she has gotten cold, emotionally and physically. She used to talk of marriage and kids and now she speaks of marriage like it is a prison. Mind you that I do not often bring it up. She brings it up all the time. I tried talking to her about what she really wants but she never gives me a straight answer. I told her I bought a ring and was considering proposing to gauge her reaction ( bad idea most likely as I killed the surprise element but I thought she had seen the ring, she said she did not though so I feel like a moron ) but she said she was not ready. Now, had I actually manned up and asked her she may have said yes. To all you married men, did your lady ever play games like this? On one hand she is always asking where the relationship is headed and such, but then she is also acting like marriage terrifies her, yet we live as if we are married. Marriage seems like the right step to take but if we are running into this trouble now, should I end this? This would be very hard to end, I mean we are so close, likely closer than most married couples but I feel like I blew it by not proposing years ago.

Any ideas or can anybody here relate? I find most people push for ending relationships at the first sign of trouble but in reality love takes works, esp after 5, 6, and 10 years. If we made it so far without getting married, could the formality of making it official really destroy all we have together?

Suffice it to say that overtime infatuation morphs into deeper connection and friendship and sometimes things are hard while you grow together but we have never been through anything like this. She seems genuinely scared about where we are heading, has talked about moving out but never taken any action, etc. She openly tells me she loves me though and says she feels sad if she thinks about us breaking up. She wants to cuddle with me but not much more. I'm 99.99 sure there is no infedelity but the situation does make me feel insecure. She stopped taking her birth control pills, how on earth should I read that?! She says she feels frustrated, stuck, depressed, and fears that I have relied on her too much and that I need her. Funny because she has always leaned on me. Now she sees me as the weak one not unlike the OP. I have arrived at an impasse. Worst of all I have no idea what started her on this, no event I can tie to her sudden mod change.

You want me to move this to it's own thread -- kinda warrants its own discussion.

 

[Anthony Mitoli]

Sure, that makes sense. Thanks.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Post moved...

And my opinion BTW, if it hasn't happened in 10 years, it aint happening.

You've both gotten comfortable. The pain of staying is less than the pain of leaving. You are choosing a lessor, duller long-term pain, over a blunt, hardcore shorter term pain. My take.

 

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[tafy]

Would you consider her you best friend? Would she you? Once you are married for a long time you become each others best friend, well atleast thats my relationship. If this has happened already and you are living together etc then you are talking about just getting married, whats so terrifying? Can be done in Vegas for $50?

 

[Ravens_Shadow]

I'd suggest you wait a week or so to see if her mood changes, and try to take her out to dinner or do something nice for her. Take whatever household loads off of her that you can. Cooking for her, cleaning the house, washing all the clothes what ever. Just be HER MAN. Maybe you know that special thing that you can do that will just ignite her fire, if so, then do it! However, I'd also point out to just give her her space for a bit so she can think on her own. By giving her space, I mean don't ask questions.

After a week of helping her out a good bit, sit down and talk with her with a serious vibe if she isn't better. Ask her how she feels and why she feels this way. But be calm when you do it. If she says nothing is wrong, then leave it at that and try to just make her feel loved, maybe more than you have in the past. Have you thought that you might have neglected the relationship a bit in the past few months?

 

[rocksolid]

I told her I bought a ring and was considering proposing to gauge her reaction

Did you really say this? Holy crap. I think if I said this to my wife she would kicked me out. I think after 10 years together you should not be considering getting married ( if being married is your goal) Either poop or get off the pot.

 

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[Anthony Mitoli]

Thanks for the replies all. Rock, I did mention the ring but not that i was gauging her reaction. I just mentioned it to see how she felt, she cried out of happiness but was also scared. I hear the "poop or get off the pot" and "this will never happen" thinking. I actually find it hard to believe all this time got away from me. We were both kind of immature when we started dating and apparently, I still am.

We are def each other's best friends, no doubt. Yea I think I neglected things, I have been hung up on myself and thinking too much. I pretty much suck right now. I think I'll wash some dishes.

 

[tafy]

Plan a nice weekend trip somewhere and take a ring with you.

 

[Roland]

I would say that if after 10 years you are still scared of getting married, it is because you don't see her as the "good one". What is so different from spending a whole time together being married or not if it is not commitment?
I tell you that because I met my wife when I was 20, 10 000 km between us, three years trying to get to live together in a same country, 5 visa requests denied, everything tried, nothing worked. We finally decided to get married when we were 23 (believe me when I say I hardly slept in three weeks before taking the decision), I then went there alone, got married, did the paperwork and came. One month later she had her visa and we started living together. It will be five years in March. I have known her for eight years and done paperwork for seven.
All this not to brag about what I did but I just knew that she was the good one for me. We obviously not always agree with each other (culture differences don't help) but we never had a fight so far.

If you are scared about getting married, I guess you don't have many options do you? Just don't get married. But in any case if I were you I would definitely try to figure out what you are expecting from this relationship.

 

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[rocksolid]

lol. Go ask her to marry you. This way you know where you stand. No games no bull shit. If you are together for 10 yrs then you must have something good. Figure out a cool way to ask her. I am a romantic so I will tell you how I asked. I bought a small metal box and had my buddies bury it in the sand at the beach. Inside the box was a note that I made up to look very old. I told me girlfriend that I wanted to go metal detecting ( I still have my metal detector) We hit the beach and we get to the spot. I asked her to dig since my back was hurting. She finds the box and starts to read the note. She actually thought we dug up somebody's marriage proposal. Toward the bottom of the note she knew it was from me and I got down on one knee and asked her. I made sure my buddies were on the boardwalk hrs before we arrived to make sure nobody found the box and to video tape the whole thing. Still together after 20 yrs, 15 of them married.

 

[SanMateo]

Bro, this one is easy. You've been with her for 10 years with no ring and no marriage. She's tired of no commitment. I don't care if you said that you've been committed to her for 10 plus years, bottom line...marriage = commitment...no marriage = no commitment. I've been married for 6.5 years.

She's probably shutting down because she's tired of this relationship not going anywhere, and by not going anywhere I mean no "forever" commitment with dreams of family, husband, romance, kids, etc.

You commit to her, you get her! You don't and screw around with excuses, and I guarantee she will leave.

My thoughts. I hope this helps.

 

[CommonCents]

All these questions you are asking/wondering here, should be asked/discussed with her. 10 years is a very long time not to have a good open communication line. It's amazing you both made it that long without it. There are probably not many surprises at this point. What is the big hang up for the both of you to memorialize it? Look at the engagement as the next step in formalizing commitment. I'd suggest you two commit to some communication classes/counseling together before hanging it up and especially important if you continue the relationship and get engaged/married. It's never too late to develop good communication.

 

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[Mbc]

Do you want to marry her because you're scared of losing her? I don't think that's a good reason to get married. My advice would be to pull away a bit, if she feels cornered give her some space. And don't talk to her about your insecurities, she seems to have her own to deal with already.

 

[hotshot]

She says she feels frustrated, stuck, depressed, and fears that I have relied on her too much and that I need her. Funny because she has always leaned on me. Now she sees me as the weak

Women have a keen sense for weakness. You need to lead and be assertive. Have a spine.

It's hard because you get comfortable in long term relationships. I've learned the hard way, multiple times - started strong and regressed into a passive, comfortable chump.

All hope is not lost but she's trying to tell you something. Proceed with caution...

^ Can't select the starting point.... start at 1:30:11

 

[dknise]

You commit to her, you get her! You don't and screw around with excuses, and I guarantee she will leave.

Let me clarify this further, saying casually "you want to be my wife" over breakfast cereal is not romantic. Go the full 10,000 F*cking yards and show her she's the most important person in the world to you. Biggg date night or hell, even a big romantic vacation where you pop the question. Right now she's probably thinking you need to change, so acknowledge it while you show her. And after you show her... don't change back.

Goodluck.

 

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[MikeC]

What? Are you guys serious? Rescue a relationship by forcing yourself together? Propose marriage out of desperation? How is this possibly a good idea?

I'm young and have never been in this type of relationship, take my advice with a bucket of salt.

and lately she has gotten cold, emotionally and physically.

This is happening already. How could marriage possibly solve it? Proposing marriage may temporarily bring a spark back into this relationship. But fast forward a short amount of time, and you could find yourself in this exact situation... only a million times worse.

You think this is hard now? Try being legally bound to her.

Based on pure statistics, this happens more often than not in marriages. I can't imagine yours would be the exception coming from the position you're currently in.

Stop thinking about what SHE wants for a minute, and think about where you want to go with your life. I think it is likely that she does want you to propose to her. However, if that's the case, she's trying to manipulate you into doing so. I mean... you made a thread about it. It's working. She's in your head. You're on the back foot.

Given the fact that she's already doing this, with your relationship as it is, don't you think it's likely that down the road, she'll do it again? And don't you think it's likely that once you're legally bound to her, and CAN'T leave as easily as you can now, the severity will only increase?

This is a reality for millions of men. And given your situation, it looks like the odds of it happening to you are high. I think it makes sense to at least consider it as a possibility, and see if you'd like dealing with that.

Isn't it funny how her telling you that you rely on her, even though the opposite has been the case, actually does make what she says a reality? That now that she's pushing you away, you feel like you need her, so much so that you would be willing to propose to her with the relationship in its current state?

You're in a relationship with a woman. Look at her like a woman, not a man. Trying to figure things out works in logical situations. This is not a logical situation. Instead of figuring HER out, figure YOU out.

Right now, I think it's very important that you define clear values for yourself. What is it you actually want in life? What is this relationship providing of value to your currently? Why are you in a relationship with a woman who doesn't even want to cuddle with you, when there are literally tens of millions of others out there who would LOVE the chance?

I'm sure I have never had a relationship as deep as yours currently is. But, I wonder if the depth of your relationship is putting blinders over your eyes. The deeper the relationship, the harder it is to say goodbye. But if you can't say goodbye, you remove every ounce of power you originally had in the relationship – the power that likely attracted her to you in the first place.

My suggestion is to give the two of you some space, and more importantly, give yourself the space to clear your head. I imagine that it's very, very hard for you to look at your situation objectively when you live in the same place as her. If marriage is the best choice for both of you, it shouldn't be made from a position of desperation. It should be made from a position of strength.

The only way to do this is to seperate yourself from her temporarily. Get some breathing room. I strongly suggest going out with a few new women, just to test the waters and gauge your feelings. It's very possible that this girl is actually the right one for you. However, you can't possibly KNOW that given your current situation.

I will say that if you do seperate from her, I think the relationship will end. If you're diligent, you'll find a new woman who is very warm and loving towards you, and ecstatic to even be in your presence. At the same time, you meeting new people gives her that option as well, and she might meet someone new.

If the idea of her meeting someone scares you, realize that this truly proves your decision for marriage now is based entirely on desperation.

Of course, there's always the chance that you both decide you liked life better together. Then you can both come together and KNOW that it's the right move to make, and you can propose to her from a position of strength, as a man.

If that doesn't happen, at least you'll still have 100% of your assets, no child support to pay, and unlimited freedom to do whatever the hell you want. Remember, there really are A LOT of beautiful, warm, loving women out there. A LOT. If this is the end for you two, know that it's not even CLOSE to the end for your love life. Really, it's only the beginning. Take what you learned here and move forward.

...and if you do decide to marry her now, get a prenup.

 

[tafy]

Good post Mike, Anthony you should know deep down what to do, get rid of the fear and do it whatever the outcome.

Get some balls

 

[splok]

she has gotten cold, emotionally and physically. She used to talk of marriage and kids and now she speaks of marriage like it is a prison.

has talked about moving out but never taken any action

she feels frustrated, stuck, depressed, and fears that I have relied on her too much and that I need her.

Now she sees me as the weak one

She doesn't respect you any more. She wants to leave but is scared to make the choice, so she's hoping that you'll make it for her.

The more you try to convince her that you should be together, the more needy you'll seem.

You need to work on being a more awesome person, and let her decide that you're worth being with without any needy prompting from you. (and even if she doesn't you'll be a more awesome person and better able to move on)

If it were me (I'm in a similarly long-term relationship, so I'm not just talking out of my a$$), I would say something like, "Look I want you to stay, but I don't want to be with someone who's not excited to see me every morning."

 

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[AroundTheWorld]

Love is a choice.
So is lifestyle.

Do you want to be a couple - for the duration? Then work it out. period.
Do you want a family? Then work it out. For the duration.

I got married when I was 20.
18 years after that, I was divorced - against my beliefs and feelings... It was hell.... really.

A year after that, he came back to me asking for a reconciliation.

What do you do, after living through a hell like that? A long term relationship - a family - that has gone to hell - do you consider keeping it? Changing it? Tossing it into hell? What do you do? Though our paths were different, we were in similar places, right? You.... after a 10 year relationship.... have noticed that things are different, strained, questionable. Me.... after an 18 year relationship, experienced having a partner deciding that he didn't want it anymore...

At that point... when he came back, asking for a reconciliation, I had a choice... just as you do. Do you love or do you walk?

To love is complicated. It means; forgiveness; renegotiation; grace; choice; value; commitment; learning; growing; stretching... just to get started.

When he came back, asking for a relationship again, I remember reflecting on my father. My father left my mother after 24 years of marriage. He had an affair with is secretary. Left my mom. Married the secretary. Marriage lasted 3 years. He promptly married another. That one lasted 8 years. They divorced too. He is now on marriage #4. REALLY!! This shit is real. I remember wondering.... what is he chasing? What is he missing? What false reality is he living in? Is it really worth the pain of three divorces? (For all you money people - is it really worth watching your networth get cut dramatically 3 times?)

To love - with maturity - is a choice. It requires personal growth. It requires the ability to care for yourself while behaving in a loving way toward another. It requires learning to be a grown-up, and giving the other room to be a grown-up too. It requires learning to not only disagree, but to disagree with love. You can do both - at the same time.

If you have been together for 10 years, then clearly there is "something" there. Your choice is this: Work through it with her, or find yourself in the same place with someone else 12 years from now.

 

[Mbc]

Love is a choice.
So is lifestyle.

Do you want to be a couple - for the duration? Then work it out. period.
Do you want a family? Then work it out. For the duration.

I got married when I was 20.
18 years after that, I was divorced - against my beliefs and feelings... It was hell.... really.

A year after that, he came back to me asking for a reconciliation.

What do you do, after living through a hell like that? A long term relationship - a family - that has gone to hell - do you consider keeping it? Changing it? Tossing it into hell? What do you do? Though our paths were different, we were in similar places, right? You.... after a 10 year relationship.... have noticed that things are different, strained, questionable. Me.... after an 18 year relationship, experienced having a partner deciding that he didn't want it anymore...

At that point... when he came back, asking for a reconciliation, I had a choice... just as you do. Do you love or do you walk?

To love is complicated. It means; forgiveness; renegotiation; grace; choice; value; commitment; learning; growing; stretching... just to get started.

When he came back, asking for a relationship again, I remember reflecting on my father. My father left my mother after 24 years of marriage. He had an affair with is secretary. Left my mom. Married the secretary. Marriage lasted 3 years. He promptly married another. That one lasted 8 years. They divorced too. He is now on marriage #4. REALLY!! This shit is real. I remember wondering.... what is he chasing? What is he missing? What false reality is he living in? Is it really worth the pain of three divorces? (For all you money people - is it really worth watching your networth get cut dramatically 3 times?)

To love - with maturity - is a choice. It requires personal growth. It requires the ability to care for yourself while behaving in a loving way toward another. It requires learning to be a grown-up, and giving the other room to be a grown-up too. It requires learning to not only disagree, but to disagree with love. You can do both - at the same time.

If you have been together for 10 years, then clearly there is "something" there. Your choice is this: Work through it with her, or find yourself in the same place with someone else 12 years from now.

I have to disagree with you, I think it's very detrimental to have the attitude that he will regret his decision later on if he doesn't work it out with her. It's ridiculous to think there is only one person in the entire world you can be with. There are literally thousands of girls you will meet and potentially have relationships with, you really think you're taking a risk by not staying with your ex? I'd say the risk of ending up in a bad relationship for the rest of your life is greater than the risk of not finding another partner out of thousands of eligible women.

No one here can make the decision for you, but whatever you do, don't regret your decision. There is no right or wrong decision in this situation. There is only the path you choose and what happens after. Your attitude will determine your happiness, not your gf, friends, etc.
There are no kids involved yet and you aren't married so you aren't hurting anyone else.
As men we will always battle the longing for wanting to chase other women when we're in a relationship, and the feeling of loneliness when we are single. This feeling of loss will pass and you will be a stronger person. Just get back to your projects, you have empires to build, enemies to bury, and heroes to father.

 

[jec1521]

AroundTheWorld is right. Love is a choice. If you care enough for her, and she cares enough for you, you will work it out, even if it takes sacrifice on your part. If not, then go on your merry way.

 

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[Milkanic]

I highly suggest you read the below two books.

Your behavior such as being timid and gauging her reaction with a ring is exactly why she has gotten cold. She would date a 13 year old boy is she found timidness attractive.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004A8ZWM4/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004C438CW/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

 

[458]

Want to know why she is shutting down on you? Because your a poosy..

If your girlfriend wanted to date a woman she would become a lesbian. The answer to your problem is a very simple one but I won't bother telling it to you since you won't listen either way; However, if you look hard enough, you will find it.

Goodluck.. your going to need it

 

[Anthony Mitoli]

Well thanks for both the thoughtful (aroundtheworld) and insulting advice (a few others.) I really appreciate the input. I got a real gut feeling when she said the last part about ending up in a similar situation in 12 years.

We made some headway over the holidays, had some make up sex and talked about this rut we are in. Seems I was right to think marriage is on her mind. She has been feeling insecure about where this is headed.

To those responders never in a 10 year relationship, all I can say is that things have cycles and you tend to hit walls, there are certain losses and such that drive you to grow spiritually or move on. There is no ideal situation that lasts forever.

I'd like to add Tolle's point of view on some of this but is am away for the holidays and using an iPad, but I have some ideas to add here later. Thanks again for the feedback, it has been helpful!

 

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[NetNinja]

Oh I love these sorts of threads. When I was in the Military I went through 8 divorces. Every single one of them affected me, the moral of my shop and the dude who was getting divorced. (These divorces were Marines in my Unit/Shop I never got married while I was in the military. A choice because if you do you become a welfare recipient of Government housing and what little benefits they give you as a married couple.)
Every single one of them got married for the wrong reasons.
Marry someone who you can't live without not someone who you can live with.
Weak men push thier wives away into the arms of another man.
Men who have no purpose in life push thier wives away
Men who keep continuing to do the same ol crap over and over again push women away.
It takes a man 10 years before he realizes the crap he has done. A woman will not wait that long for you to get your shit straight.
Either fix it or move the F on!
Don't drag her through your problems. Grab your balls and move on. Or get a shrink.
Yeah I have had women problems with my wife, my tollerance level for BS is 5 seconds. I treat her like gold. She is my queen and I make sure she knows it. I spend time with her except that shopping crap. I can only tollerate that for 1 hour. Otherwise I will do that same crap that man in China did and jump 7 stories to the ground. Early in the relationship she used to give me the silent treatment for several hours which drives me absolutely bat shit. So here was the deal she dealt with it or I was done. I live my life peacefully and I stay positive all the time. She thought I didn't love her because I was ready to leave the relationship. I told her I don't fall the the shit test that a lot of women pull. Oh and women say "We don't do that" Oh yes they do. I forget what they call it I will have to pull out one of my relationship books.

She may feel trapped, frustrated or just plain bored with the relationship. People change and thier likes change. Today she hates Vanilla ice cream and 3 years latter she like it.
Don't be like those turtles in the zoo who were mates for like 99 years and all of a sudden she started bitting her mate. She had enough of his crap. LOL

We all make mistakes, maybe she is thinking the same thing. I bet she has been dropping hints for a long time and they are going over your head.
Women are some amazing perceptive creatures and they hold such secrets That secret garden. (Love the song)
Women don't directly say whats on thier mind they throw you mystery curve balls and you need a secret decoder ring to figure some of them out.

Good luck to you. Marriage is a business and you have to work it everyday. A lot of marriges have stopped working the business after 5 years. Give me 5 minutes with a couple and I can sum up your relationship.

How she reacts when he speaks
How He reacts when she speaks
How they feed off of each others feelings
How he treats her
How she treats him
Does he hold her hand
Does she let him hold her hand
The body language is incredible to see, sometimes it's like a dance between two praying mantis's. Who is going to get eaten first.
9 times out of 10 the male losses his head.

It's an interesting game to watch, force of habbit from Embassy training.

Here is an interesting side note not related to the marriage thing. Someone is always watching you, they know when you leave, when you come home.

 

[JackTripper]

Cold, emotionless women.. I don't get it, sounds like a typical american relationship... There so in fantasy about marriage and being "taken" That way they don't have to worry about there baggages or well being, you do..

Get money and date as you will. I never have to deal with nagging. And get to sample many different "flavors" often. It's a great life

 

[HenkHolland]

If you have any, and I repeat any doubts, with respect to whether your current girlfriend is the person you want to grow old with, don't marry her. Break up the relationship a.s.a.p. and, if you would like to grow old together with somebody, go and look for that special somebody. Stop wasting time with your present relationship.

If you're certain that your current girlfriend is the special person for you, then do your best to eliminate the doubts that she may have about you being the right one for her.

 

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[AroundTheWorld]

To those responders never in a 10 year relationship, all I can say is that things have cycles and you tend to hit walls, there are certain losses and such that drive you to grow spiritually or move on. There is no ideal situation that lasts forever.

YES!!

And dare I say - In business as well as in relationships - sometimes big rewards come right after you push through a wall.

 

[yveskleinsky]

You mention that she is off birth control pills. My 02 is that until you guys have clarity on what you are doing, wear a condom and don't get her pregnant. There's no need to drag a child into all this confusion. You need to sit down and really think if she's the woman that you want to spend your life with. This is not a decision you make based on whether or not you "love her enough to marry her". Forget about "love". Love comes and goes. Getting married solely because you "love" someone is ridiculous. It is an emotion, like happiness, fear, anger, what have you. What is more important than how in love you are, is what is that love based on? Is based on respect, admiration, commitment, concern for the other person and empathy (to name a few)? Can you picture a future with her? Can you imagine having children with her? How well do your morals, values, ethics, attitudes and life direction match up? Have these important discussions with yourself and then with her if you feel there is a future with her. Marriage should be a serious commitment, not something thrown out to gauge where the other stands. Good luck to you both in whatever path you choose, it sounds as though you are at a very pivotal point in your life, and those times are never easy.