Losing Focus

[Likwid24]

Hey Guys,

Most of you know me. The Paint Brush Cover Guy! lol.

Well for the last 2 years I have been pretty on point and focused. I have accomplished a lot in 2 years. I have worked my a$$ off for hours everyday, while having a job, and running a side business. With the very little time I have, I still found plenty of time to focus on my fastlane plan, and things are starting to pay off.

I have one problem though. I've been through some tough stuff in the last several months. I'm not scared to share the story here. I got married last May to what I thought was the woman of my dreams. She was my inspiration to get started on creating a better life for us. I was very motivated because of her. I felt very at peace and was able to focus. Then towards the end of 2012, a lot of things happened.

It kinda started with hurricane Sandy. We got hit pretty hard in our area. Since, I am a NYC fireman, I was working non stop for a bit, trying to put things back together and clean up the mess. Then, my side business took off. We were doing jobs for half the price of what the crooks were charging, so I was basically working at the firehouse, then side jobs until at least mid December. I was hardly home, and still squeezing in enough Paint Brush Cover work. October-December was actually or busiest month with orders, and we got on QVC's website. A lot happened.

From all this, and other factors, my wife went into a depression. She was also diagnosed with a thyroid condition in early December. This created an even bigger problem. Led her deeper into depression. The problem was that she never talks about anything. She holds it all in. I thought everything was fine. Then, a few days before Christmas, we got into a small argument, she blew up on me, and ran out the door. She went to her parents house. I thought it was something that would blow over in a day, but it never did. It snowballed and got worse. She never wound up coming back.

We were about to get divorced, then started talking about trying to work things out about a month ago. That didn't last long. We decided to go through with the divorce. Now the paperwork is in, and we can both get on with our lives.

My issue is, that even though I am happy where I'm at right now, I feel so unfocused. Kinda like ADD. I can't get as much as I want accomplished. My minds always racing. And not racing thinking about her. It's all over the place. I'm actually content now. I understand what happened and why. It's a much longer story, but we're both to blame in way. I am happy where I am and where I'm headed. I'm constantly in a great mood. Have great people around me. I'm not sure exactly what it is though.

I can't read. I used to read 2-3 books, or more a month, I've started 3 books in the last 4 months and haven't gotten to the halfway point on any of them. Correction - I read 3 books on 'Paleo' because I was looking to change my eating habits around, and was extremely interested in the subject. But, besides that, I can't read anything. I'm struggling to read a few daily emails I get. Haven't been on the forum much. Anything to do with reading has been very difficult for me, when it was so easy a few months ago.

I'm also way out of focus with my business. I still get a lot of work accomplishes. Not nearly enough as I want, but I get it done. I kinda have to force myself to get it done. I try everyday, but it doesn't feel the same. I have a huge trade show coming up in 3 weeks, and I feel I'm not as prepared as I could be. I'm probably just paranoid. I know I've done a lot for the show. I know I could have done more though, if my focus was there.

I usually do Yoga to calm me down, but haven't been able to do that either. Tried meditation, but my mind races too much. Tried sitting myself in a quiet room and reading. No Good.

The only thing that calms me down is working out, running, and enjoying life with people close to me.

What do I do to get back that super sharp focus I once had??? I don't know what else to do. I want my business to succeed more than anything, but I feel that if I don't change my mindset back to the way it was, then it will never reach full potential.

Does anyone have any advice????

 

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[TheTruth]

Hey Buddy,


Considering the circumstances, it's normal for you to be a little rattled up about what happened. The best comparison I can give is when someone is very comfortable with their life and have it almost on autopilot and then, they find out they have to change or suffer concenquences.

Nobody likes going through this (be it with loosing a relationship, having to exercise, changing business etc.). We are creaters of habit and comfort, so when change happens we resist.

The good thing is what made you focused to begin with can be replaced.

As stated " She was my inspiration to get started on creating a better life for us. I was very motivated because of her. I felt very at peace and was able to focus."

Since your point of focus was your wife, you have lost that focus with what happened to your relationship. This however is only temporary because you can change where you get your focus from external to internal.

For example, if you make your focus depedant on another person again, if that person happens to somehow get out of your life, you would loose it for a while until you found someone else.

If you can make your focus internally oriented, where you have it no matter what happens, then nobody has to ability to take it away from you.

I.e. If your focus was centered around "I do this to have freedom so that I can spend more time with great people, regardless if I sometimes have to change who they are"

When freedom is your center piece (of course I used it as an example and yours may very well be something different), then no person can take focus away from you.


That being said, I don't think you have too much to worry about. These are natural phases a human goes through when something like this happens in their life.

You are one of the most stand-up guys I have met and on top of that you are already doing what you should be (going out and meeting new people).

As long as you keep going, you will eventually re-wire your brain and develop a stronger character.


P.s. I had done meditation before and getting back into it. Since it is very hard to stay centered when first trying it, I used to put on zen music (i.e. what monks listened to) and focus on the melody to calm me down. Then I would start concentrating on my breathing. It would get to the point where I wouldn't hear the music anymore (freaked me out the first time)

 

[Hassassin]

Try this bro [video=youtube;sAwCdjccRjM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAwCdjccRjM[/video]
It helps me =/

 

[healthstatus]

You are probably suffering some depression of your own. Can you get a couple week change of scenery, something REALLY different and TOTALLY new (not the same old vacation stops you have done before). New experiences re-engage the brain and kicks you out of auto-pilot. If it involves a lot of sun, even better, as a good dose of vitamin D will help. Don't watch TV, answer email as little as possible, take the guided tours you never would have done in the past.

 

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[Likwid24]

Hahaha Hassan. That's funny shit. If I was depressed, that would help. I am far from it. I'm actually happier than I've been in a while.

Thanks @TheThruth. I'll speak with you tonight! =)

 

[InMotion]

What do I do to get back that super sharp focus I once had??? I don't know what else to do. I want my business to succeed more than anything, but I feel that if I don't change my mindset back to the way it was, then it will never reach full potential.

Does anyone have any advice????

What was your motivation before you got divorced? Major life events can change habits... verified fact.

 

[Bruce]

I agree with everything TheTruth and the others have said.

Just give it sometime and take a break. From all the progress I've seen on your thread, you deserve one.

Best of luck.

 

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[Likwid24]

What was your motivation before you got divorced? Major life events can change habits... verified fact.

I guess it's the same as it is now. To live the life I want to live, freedom of time, freedom to do the things I want to do, financial security, no boss to answer to, traveling. Only thing that changed was I was also motivated to create the same thing for my wife. Now I have more freedom though.

 

[healthstatus]

If I was depressed, that would help. I am far from it. I'm actually happier than I've been in a while.

Don't confuse relief or feeling less stress with happiness, which you may be doing.

 

[Likwid24]

Don't confuse relief or feeling less stress with happiness, which you may be doing.

No trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

 

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[AllenCrawley]

Try this bro
It helps me =/

What the?

 

[JasonR]

If you can make your focus internally oriented, where you have it no matter what happens, then nobody has to ability to take it away from you.

I.e. If your focus was centered around "I do this to have freedom so that I can spend more time with great people, regardless if I sometimes have to change who they are"

I think this is solid advice.

Good to hear from ya Sal. You'll figure it out.

 

[Rawr]

What the?

guy actually has solid advice.


[video=youtube;M4Ko32D5ALw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4Ko32D5ALw[/video]

 

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[Likwid24]

I think this is solid advice.

Good to hear from ya Sal. You'll figure it out.

Hey Jason! How ya been?

 

[Milkanic]

I'm no psychologist but it sounds like you are resisting the pain of getting divorced. You're telling yourself you're fine but you really aren't. You need to feel that intense pain and then move on. Talk to someone, cry like a baby, whatever works for you.


“Pain is a relatively objective, physical phenomenon; suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. Events may create physical pain, but they do not in themselves create suffering. Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is…The only problem in your life is your mind’s resistance to life as it unfolds.”

- Dan Millman

 

[InMotion]

Perhaps....you are now feeling that you have so many options you are having trouble focusing? Your options are now somewhat unlimited with no other responsibilities.

I'm actually content now

Red flag. Perhaps since all these events you now have some of what you were seeking....freedom?

 

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[DeletedUser2]

The seven cycles of life.

So,

Sal,

1. sprouting/initiation
2. Growth
3. complexity to maturity
4. turbulence
5 chaos
6 Dropping off
7 silence and Inward Meditation

then repeat.


Sal, I have been there. I was buying apartments when I got divorced. most of us guys, just try to get on with it. and tough it out.

but let me explain a concept here that changed my life by changing the way I look at where I am NOW. vs where I THINK I should be

the cycles of life above are a pattern found in the human condition. but we don't always see that its a cycle, coming full circle.

1. in the first cycle, its all about starting things. the NEW the SPRING, the IDEA! whoo hoo! and then when exploring the ideas (be it a new relationship, a new product, a new house, a new job, anything) everything is shinney and new, and shinney is good.

2. Growth. Then you have decided to go with it. your going to do it! (move, marry, transfer, what ever) and your focus is on growing. adding more, getting it done, moving faster, getting the first sale, moving in together, the apartment picked out for the job. GOING GOING GOING>

3. complexity to maturity- thing move from unknown to knowns. what was new, and growing now is still growing but instead of alot of newness, and speed, your going back and making the bumpy ride smoother, your putting down roots your setting the daily expectations and reaching them and you see proof that your heading the the right direction, by the simple fact that what was unknown and complex is maturing into known, predictable pathways in your life. and it its good.

4. Turbulence- when I first saw this written on the paper where I was reading this I thought UH OH BAD. but it wasn't bad.
Turbulence is the beginning of a message. it is simply the bumps are back, maybe not bad yet, maybe not hard. but not gone either.
and turbulence the more you ignore the message, the more bumpy it begins to get until...


5. Chaos.- This is simply when Turbulence has been ignored for to long. there was a message in Turbulence. something needs to change. but as we are creatures of patterns, and habbit, change is not what we want sometimes. BUT turbulence is the message, CHAOS is the action where your LIFE is starting to buck like a broncho to throw off something, and the harder you hold on, the longer you stay, the more chaotic life becomes until finally it happens

6. Dropping off.- the sudden realization that what your holding onto is no longer possible. and you let it go. it stops. it breaks. and after the internal thunderstorm has flashed its lightning, and the crashing has stopped...

7. silence, And inward meditation. are a state into which you flow. the chaos is over, the thing that needed to be let go of is gone, and now there is reflection in this time. there is tranquility as the internal dialogue and internal noise settles down to silence.

it is here that you now reside. the silence is not unfocus, it is the needed space and time in which you recover from the chaos. and in doing this you are doing it right. you are taking the time you need. you are getting ready, though you may not yet see it, but you are. getting ready for the sudden and bright day ahead of you in which sprouting happens again and you leap into the next level of the cycle and again into the bright day!!

and with that, LET THERE BE PAINT!




Sal, In the future, a little hint, the one that changed my life,
the one that has shaped who I have become, and am evolving into.

Turbulence is the message.....

Chaos is ignoring the message

Dropping off is the action to the message....

the sooner you drop off something that no longer belongs in your life, the shorter the chaos. and less destructive.


being married now 13 yrs to my second wife, I understand this.

when once I fought the coming chaos, and it would regularly engulf my life,
Now I see it, and side step it.

by looking at what needs to change in my life in response the the turbulence building.

sometimes its a belief. (I believed I was right and HAD to PROVE that to my wife)

Sometimes is a behavior i was doing that was damaging our relationship. and looking at its value in my life, i determined dropping the behavior was better than dropping my wife.

sometimes it was dropping a situation, a long friend, or even location. letting go of things that no longer fit who I was becoming vs who I WAS when I had that, lent its self to growth I didn't know I could even survive.

by doing this one simple step.
I am able to now side step massive destructive chaos in my life. well at least the self generated kind

Sal, I feel for you, and I hope your doing ok, in fact by the time you finished writing your stuff here, you probably are doing better anyway.

but here is the message I really want you to get. Spring is coming. being unfocused is ok, you cant be a charging horse all the time. take the silence, learn from it. and be ready to sprout soon


Z

 

[Likwid24]

Thanks Dale! Great response. Your 100% on point (as always). I just need to slow the f down. Relax a little. I've been used to going full throttle for the last 2 years. Now I need to regroup. Good things are going to come. I need to ease my mind. I'll figure it out.

I'll see you in 2 months in Albuquerque!

 

[Likwid24]

I'm no psychologist but it sounds like you are resisting the pain of getting divorced. You're telling yourself you're fine but you really aren't. You need to feel that intense pain and then move on. Talk to someone, cry like a baby, whatever works for you.

I went through that from December till March pretty much. Thanks Just!

Perhaps....you are now feeling that you have so many options you are having trouble focusing? Your options are now somewhat unlimited with no other responsibilities.

This is possible too.

 

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[Barry]

If your focus was centered around "I do this to have freedom so that I can spend more time with great people, regardless if I sometimes have to change who they are"

When freedom is your center piece (of course I used it as an example and yours may very well be something different), then no person can take focus away from you.

^ TheTruth has spoken! Awesome advice man, I never thought about it this way but Uhh man, I'm going through almost the exact same things for the past couple of weeks I've totally lost it everyday is the samething. Wake,eat,sleep and watch tv and listening to audiobooks well not really listening rather hearing. I've been struggling and trying to force myself to change but that's no help either the next day it's just the samething, I don't know if I just lost the thrill or It's just a phase

No doubt in my mind this will change soon but everyday I just keep thinking about the time I'm wasting, I started back goal setting and reading some notes from TMF and others daily so I'm just slightly picking up back.

Sal you got this I just think it takes time no real worries or nothing major here

 

[MJ DeMarco]

I.e. If your focus was centered around "I do this to have freedom so that I can spend more time with great people, regardless if I sometimes have to change who they are"

When freedom is your center piece (of course I used it as an example and yours may very well be something different), then no person can take focus away from you.

Gold bro.

Sal, I don't want to say too much here on the public side, but TheTruth hit the nail on the head.

Focus on yourself, your business, and your life. Fall in love with the life you create.

Then, and only then, should the idea of marriage come into your lexicon.

The person you become during the process will attract an entirely different *type* of woman than what you are attracting now.

IMO, losing a "dead weight" partner, weather it be a wife/friend/family member is a blessing in disguise.

I wouldn't be sad - I'd be rejoicing.

 

[Likwid24]

Thanks MJ. Exactly. It is a blessing in disguise.

I kinda have been rejoicing. The thing is that I have been happy, and enjoying myself. I know I have a great future ahead of me. I know exactly what I want in life. I realize that she wasn't the one. She was holding me down. I knew it before we got married, but I figured things would change. I was blinded by love. There were definitely plenty of signs.

Now I feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders.

I just couldn't explain the lack of focus. Now I think I understand.

BTW - I was meaning to contact you MJ. I'm actually quite embarrassed. I was so not in my right state of mind at the B&p, that I didn't even take my opportunity to speak to you and thank you. I finally had a chance to meet you and I blew it because I felt like I wasn't in the right state mentally. I apologize for that. I would never let that happen again.



Here's to a new beginning! :cheers:

 

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[Vigilante]

 

[adiakritos]

Try this bro [video=youtube;sAwCdjccRjM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAwCdjccRjM[/video]
It helps me =/

lmao! Dude that was so funny! I've seen a few of his other videos and it seems like theres a method to his madness. Not sure if it's really helpful to me at the moment though. Thanks for sharing!

 

[Hassassin]

LOL !

A pleasure, this video reminds me of a recent awkward situation I experienced.
My mother walking in on me while I practiced this.
I'l leave the rest to your imagination...

 

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[TheTruth]

Thanks @TheThruth. I'll speak with you tonight! =)

No worries, great talk ... and invoice sent ...... Looks like Dale has had more influence on me then he thinks...

^ TheTruth has spoken! Awesome advice man, I never thought about it this way but Uhh man, I'm going through almost the exact same things for the past couple of weeks I've totally lost it everyday is the samething.

lol, there is a reason that's my username That same paradigm shift has helped me greatly.

Gold bro.

Sal, I don't want to say too much here on the public side, but TheTruth hit the nail on the head.

MJ, it's clearly the pony tail with the headband that got me that bit of wisdom. I think you can attest to this statement ... also I have the bonus of not having a g/f calling me a clown over it (winning)

 

[fsna.hartley]

Don't get circumstances break into your focus. Accept circumstances even if it maybe bad. Learn to forgive those who caused you pain. Accept the situation and move on with your new life and start afresh.

 

[Likwid24]

My focus has been getting better since I started this thread. Maybe I just needed to get it out. Listened to some great advice too. Now I'm reading "The Giant Within" - Tony Robbins.

BTW- I started a small side project on Facebook. It might lead to something else down the road. Check it out: http://www.facebook.com/TheTruePursuitOfHappiness?ref=hl

 

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[EastWind]

The only thing you can do to regain focus is to keep trying. No matter how hard it seems not to be there. Just keep trying. Don't think too much of the result or measure yourself with where you were in the past. Just try to improve each time. If you can only read 1 page today. Try for 2 pages and when you get there, do everything to stay there. Then next time go for 3 pages. Keep at it, and before you know it, you are reading 50 pages in one sitting. The same applies to work. If you can only work for 5 minutes. That's fine. 5 minute it at a time, then work your way up.