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In my 40s and stuck

NewManRising

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But it doesn't hurt
True, man. I lost 115 lbs in a year and I did this for myself though. And while I do look better the main drive was for me to be healthier. The looking good part was just a nice side benefit. I guess you can apply this to the Fastlane too. Focus on helping others in an honest way and earning wealth is the side benefit.
 
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dbseeker

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Problem is I have a very, very strong limited belief system right now that I can't seem to shake no matter how much I try to convince myself that it's not real. It's like deep down in my subconscious mind I have this block that I can't remove for the life of me, or even manage. It's like I've given up like a loser. And even though I read great posts from people like you which inspires me, truly, I somehow, in a few short hours, go back to feeling depressed and hopeless, like clockwork.

I guess it doesn't help that I had an ex that literally crushed my heart into a million pieces not to long ago that I'm not over her yet. I mean the whole ex relationship couldn't have happened at a worse time too. I was so much happier before her that I'm sure I could've been in a much better place now but now I'm always, ALWAYS thinking about her which then leads me to thinking about all my failures in life---I'm just a goddam mess now.

Believe me, I get all you fine folks. You guys are awesome. But truthfully, I dunno, I'm just a dam mess now. I suppose I just need to take it one day at a time and continue to read more posts, articles, books and maybe, just maybe I can finally turn my life around, meet someone special and do something I can be proud of.
 

garyjsmith

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I suppose I just need to take it one day at a time

You are correct. Small, consistent action is what is required. Assess yourself daily and see that you are making progress, even if small. Eventually, you'll be far from what you see and how you feel at present. I suggest you pick up Born Rich by Bob Proctor, and listen through it not once, but multiple times.
 

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I guess it doesn't help that I had an ex that literally crushed my heart into a million pieces not to long ago that I'm not over her yet.

Not to sound like a broken record but you're placing your control in other people's hands again. You are using external "things" as the excuses for your situation.

There's the concept of the "locus of control", from wiki:

In personality psychology, locus of control is the degree to which people believe that they have control over the outcome of events in their lives, as opposed to external forces beyond their control.

Individuals with a strong internal locus of control believe events in their life derive primarily from their own actions: for example, when receiving exam results, people with an internal locus of control tend to praise or blame themselves and their abilities. People with a strong external locus of control tend to praise or blame external factors such as the teacher or the exam.


It's pretty clear, and I'm sure you'll agree, that you have an INCREDIBLY strong external locus of control. This is the #1 problem you face right now.

Honestly, the way you are talking, I'm not sure if reading a few books is going to be enough.
You need a fundamental paradigm shift in mindset.

Until you make the decision to be in control of your own life, you never will be. I don't mean a goal, or a wish, or a hope - but a F*cking decision. A decision is the difference between "I'm doing it, now" and "I'll get to it, hopefully".

People who have a hope/goal/wish to go camping don't go camping.
People who decide to go camping buy a F*cking tent, rent the damn campsite, buy some shitty marshmallows and go camping.

Your girlfriend can decide to leave you but only you can decide how that effects you. Either you are in the gym again on Monday after being broken up with on Sunday or you are crying in bed for the next 3 months. Either way that's your decision. Not hers. The person in the gym isn't any less hurt than the person crying in bed - one has just made a different decision regarding how that breakup is going to affect their life.

Make a decision - Decide to give up control of your life to others, living a life of excuses, or decide to be in control of your own self.
 
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ZCP

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Weaknesses
1. Poor job history. (I mean this is really bad. I've worked numerous dead-end jobs.)
[You have great job experience in hands on situations]
2. I hate anything to do with filling long forms or reading excel type sheets.
[Don't we all]
3. Lack of self-esteem/confidence due to my insecurities as a professional.
[Small successes will begin to change this]
4. I don't own anything significant (house, car, stocks, bonds, mutual funds, savings, health benefits.)
[Yet]
5. I lack business knowledge.
[Take a job in sales or as office manager of a small business]
6. Discipline.
[Add a daily / weekly routine. Program it in your phone]
7. Learning something new.
[This one you will have to change!]
8. I've failed at almost everything I've done.
[Which means you have great experience putting you ahead of most]
9. Lack ambition, mainly due to being stuck for so long.
[As you see a path, this will change]
10. Poor vision and forced to wear uncomfortable lenses( I have Keratoconus.)
[Look smart in glasses]

Strengths
1. I'm an extrovert when I want to be.
[Major advantage!]
2. I'm artistically creative.
[Spend 10 minutes a day creating art to boost your spirit]
3. I can type over 75 wpm.
[Great for that sales or office job]
4. Computers.
[Great for that job in a small business]
5. I'm a great teacher.
[Can do tutoring on the side]
6. I'm funny.
[Major advantage]
7. I have excellent credit.
[Will soon come in useful to help fund a business once you have an idea / path]
8. I'm physically capable of doing things like lifting heavy things.
[Great for that job in a small business]
9. I'm healthy.
[Major advantage]
10. I'm decent looking.
[Major advantage]
11. I believe that I'm a terrific songwriter because I always make music in my head that believe would be hits (even though I don't sing, play instruments and have never written an actual song.)
[Start writing songs for 10 minutes a day to boost your spirit]
12. Sound effects.
[Take 5 minutes a day and just do sound effects. Instant spirit boost!]
13. Give great advice.
[Prove it. What would you tell yourself?]
14. Write.
[Write for 5 minutes a day]
Please, any bit of real, sound advice from someone successful will do me a lot of help.
Thank you.
You are welcome.

I would suggest getting a waiter's pad and reading some James
How A Waiter's Pad Saved My Life - Altucher Confidential
 

hellolin

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How can someone be 40 and still not have had their "F*ck this shit" event happen? It happened to me two years after I immigrated to this country and another fat kid that I was I decided to sign up for the military for a change of environment. I am still amazed how some people can just be in a bad situation for years without taking any calculated risks to get them out of it.
 
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dbseeker

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Well, I took some positive action today. I went and purchased a notepad and sharpie to write down ideas and goals and what not. Even though I'm just starring at it but hopefully I can gather courage to start writing. Tomorrow I'm gonna go get me my membership at the local gym.

It's been really hard for me today especially. When I was at the supermarket thoughts of my ex hit me hard. I kept picturing her beauty that I'll most likely never get touch again. Just sux. Sorry for sappy story.
 

JAJT

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I kept picturing her beauty that I'll most likely never get touch again.

When thoughts like this enter your head, shake yourself out of it and start focusing on the present.

If your mind "time travels" at the grocery store, notice yourself doing this and start focusing on what you're doing - finding the items you need, paying, smiling at others, whatever. Be present.

Give mindfulness meditation a try every morning - it really helps with practicing the ability to let unwanted thoughts go as they come peacefully and to be present in the moment.

Good job taking some kind of action.
 

Maxboost

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Well, I took some positive action today. I went and purchased a notepad and sharpie to write down ideas and goals and what not. Even though I'm just starring at it but hopefully I can gather courage to start writing. Tomorrow I'm gonna go get me my membership at the local gym.

It's been really hard for me today especially. When I was at the supermarket thoughts of my ex hit me hard. I kept picturing her beauty that I'll most likely never get touch again. Just sux. Sorry for sappy story.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life is a 2003 self-help book by Dr. Robert A. Glover. You are suffering from Nice Guy syndrome. It is whats holding you back
 
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Chap

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Well DBSeeker, I think that you have come across some fantastic advice on this board, especially from JAJT and XoXoJBelle.

Nobody else can make you feel better, if your ex got back with you, it would also be a disservice to both of you. Life is change.

I do sympathise, and empathise in some aspects, with your situation which is why I would recommend you draw a line under this thread, reread it, study the responses, and formulate an actionable system that you will follow within 4 hours of reading this.

I am quoting one of the messages I read as the advice is golden, there are 1001 ways to skin a cat, but I think you would do well to incorporate sone tips from somebody who has been there, after all that’s why we pay for mentor ship.

Perhaps after working your plan for 3 months or so, you can report progress and hopefully create your own guides. This would be the beginning of a product of sorts.

All the best!

Hihi! I'm hoping I can help, there has been a ton of good advice on this forum already. I am only 24, but I've been clinically depressed before and I found a way out of it and was able to change my life for the better.

I went from failing college, depressed, sad, and overweight, to graduating with a job offer in one hand and diploma in the other. Now I am redefining my goals to be in the fastlane.

What really helped me was having a routine and a regimen. Having goals, and reading. Who do you want to be and what do you want to do? How can you add value to this world?

When you are depressed, there are important things you must do daily to build self esteem which will help you to become successful:
  • Shower in the mornings (I recommend anti-anxiety bodywash-- sounds crazy but I have it and it helps lol)
  • Work out DAILY. (Working out gives you confidence and activates endorphins )
  • Eat healthy and drink a ton of water
  • Communicate with mentors
  • READ A TON (If you can't afford books, the library is free-- Read non-fiction books that help you with your goal)
  • Journal your goals.
  • And More (meditation, relaxation, affirmations, blah, blah, blah )
When deciding on your goals, you must start big, and then break them down into increments. For example in college, end of sophmore year I wrote down:

Goal: To be a Web/Graphic Designer Making $xx,xxx a year by graduation
Steps:
  • Take xyz class junior and senior year
  • Get xyz internships
  • Create web portfolio
  • Revamp and Design resume
  • Create linkedin
  • Go to job fairs
  • Interview
  • Apply for jobs
  • etc....
Make sure the steps are in a logical order-- but also do them quickly and readjust as you go along. They don't have to be perfect but you have to make yourself believe that it can be real. If you don't know how to make something happen --FREAKING GOOGLE IT.
I followed each of these steps and achieved my goals in college. Now i'm working the fastlane process, I am creating steps to ensure my success, which include paying debt, learning skills, reading a ton and so fourth.

After that you have your steps to success. You can't be afraid to work for them. For example, while you figure out your plan, you may need to do some crappy jobs aside from uber to save money. You will need capital to start your fastlane business. Perhaps take some type of ups or fedex job-- you can drive or help unload packages. Not sexy at all, but it is something that can help you create a regimen in your life and save some money. Do not buy anything that is not going to help you forge ahead in your goals-- like an xbox or something.

Do NOT take a crappy job as your ultimate goal. This will just be a stepping stone for more to come- but first are first. Have you been making good money with uber or have you only done it a few times?
 

WJS

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Strengths

1. I'm an extrovert when I want to be.
2. I'm artistically creative.
3. I can type over 75 wpm.
4. Computers.
5. I'm a great teacher.
6. I'm funny.
7. I have excellent credit.
8. I'm physically capable of doing things like lifting heavy things.
9. I'm healthy.
10. I'm decent looking.
11. I believe that I'm a terrific songwriter because I always make music in my head that believe would be hits (even though I don't sing, play instruments and have never written an actual song.)
12. Sound effects.
13. Give great advice.
14. Write.

Please, any bit of real, sound advice from someone successful will do me a lot of help.

Thank you.

I read through this thread and noticed that no one has mentioned this so here goes:

Have you ever thought about getting a part time gig as an actor or a comedian?

Not sure where you live and what are the prospects out there but there are a few advantages to it:
1) your strengths matches the role
2) playing a role can indirectly heal your emotions and boost your self image and confidence (depending on the kind of role you get)
3) if you get noticed, the payout is huge

Granted this is in no way fastlane, but it might help you kill two birds with one stone.
 

FeaRxUnLeAsHeD

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Just take one action step.. Every.Single.Day.

Start with a plan, write it out, and just do one thing every single day. You don't have to conquer the world tomorrow morning, but you should look to take at least one step a day towards your particular ideal.

Then, when that becomes too simple, take 2 steps. Then 3. Then do 3 things every morning. Then a few in the afternoon.

I suggest reading the compound effect and some material from Tony Robbins on goal setting - take a few days and just read a few books. Hell, download the audibles and put a headset in 1 ear while you drive UBER and listen to a few e-books from Tony and on the Compound Effect, and then start taking action.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" - Maria Robinson
 
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Xeon

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This is a limiting belief (and frankly a tremendously false one)

With all due respect, I've to disagree (with regards to above sentence in reply to OP saying women only want successful men).

Obviously, a pretty and successful girl who's earning 5 figure a month will not be attracted to a low wage guy who's earning a low 4 figure salary.

I'm in the same boat as OP so I can relate.
Every time and each time, they will only consider you if you're successful by average standards.

Lori Grenier is definitely not going to date that 35 year old guy working in McDonald's as a burger flipper or shift supervisor.

Don't believe? Start a dating profile online and boast about your job as a toilet cleaner or office clerk and see how many ladies respond. :rofl:

Or maybe things are different in other countries where only "true love" or attraction matters lol

This is why guys need to climb up and soar if they want to stand a chance at a real dating life (not those wham bam thanks ma'am type)

This is not negativity, it's about being realistic and rational and seeing the world for what it is.

You've a buddy in me here, OP. Work hard! :cool:
 
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ocricci

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@JAJT is giving you great advice, pointing you to the right direction, please read his comments and implement ( focus on internal locus of control first ) - for every excuse ask "How am i responsible for {this excuse} ?"

Thanks @JAJT awesome feedback
 

Shono

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This is your choice.



This is an excuse.



This is a limiting belief (and frankly a tremendously false one)



This is another excuse.

Dude, if I'm being honest, it sounds like you've built a giant bomb shelter of excuses and limiting beliefs and crawled inside it. Cut that shit out.

You are in your damn 40's and what you wrote sounds like it came from a 16 year old: "girls only like rich men and my job sucks and I live with my mommy and can't forgive my daddy".

Like. Dude. Holy F*ck.
Snap out of this.

First of all, why do you live with your mother at 40?
What's stopping you from moving out?
Do you not work full time?

Second of all, there is no such thing as "all girls". Girls are as unique as boys. Saying all girls only like rich men is a lot like saying all guys only like huge breasts. It just isn't F*cking true. If you can't find a girlfriend it isn't because of your job or your mother or your father it's because of your incorrect beliefs and self doubt. You claim to be attractive looking and have a job - that's more than a lot of guys have who never have a break in their dating life.
The only reason you don't have a girlfriend is because you've rejected yourself before giving anyone else the chance to.

Thirdly, your father has nothing to do with anything. I could go on but that's about the long and short of it. He's gone. You're not. He's not in control of you. Get over it.

If you want my genuine advice - you need to start blaming yourself for a change and start being accountable for your life.

Here's a good line to start with: Things may not be your fault, but they are your responsibility.

That means no matter what the F*ck happens in life - it's on you.

Your dad abused you.

Not your fault. But it's your responsibility to deal with that. To get over it. To move on. To not let a ghost from the past haunt your future.

You live with your mom.

Maybe it's your fault. Maybe it's not. Maybe your job doesn't pay enough. Maybe rent is too high. Maybe you have a disability. I have no idea. But it's your responsibility to fix this. To find a better job. To move to a location you can afford. To find roommates. To get a second job. A third. To learn how to budget. Whatever. It's on you.

You can't find a girlfriend.

Maybe up to now you've been living with incorrect beliefs. Not your fault - maybe that's what you were taught. Maybe you took the media's lies to be truth. Maybe a million things. It's still your responsibility. To change how you think. To be more confident. To not say "no" to yourself before giving someone else the chance to. To be positive. To focus on your positives and work on your negatives. You are accountable for this. Girls aren't the problem. Wealth isn't the problem. You are the problem and you are responsible for fixing it. If you can be responsible for being your best self then the girls can be responsible for accepting this or not. The ones who don't aren't for you. The ones who do might very well be. Women are very capable of deciding what they want for themselves.

You need to be the one responsible for your life.
Not your mother.
Not Uber.
Not your farther.
Not what you think all women want.

Make a huge list of the shit in your life you need to change, and then make the decision that it's you who needs to change it.
Not circumstance.
Not luck.
You.
I know this is from 2017, but I creeped through threads and found this and couldn't resist not responding. This could be 100% written for me, and it's 100% true. The limiting beliefs and excuses need to stop.

Edit: This forum is so amazing.
 
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hellolin

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I wish I had your strengths labeled 8, 9 and 10! Do you know how hard it is to reach where I am today, still a wage slave but working from home (barely working) for a six fig comfortable salary? Shit I literally broke my back doing it! If you are in your worst moment, and you can still confidently written down those strengths, assuming they are true, then reply #2 is spot on. How many people can say they are good looking when they are past 40? Be it man or woman, it's hard to be physically good looking past age 30, let along 40. You'd make an excellent b2b salesman/CSM in a software company, giving that you can still learn how the product works and you do not mind how to talk to different kinds of people. Those jobs starts you at $80k and some of them even starts at six figures. It seems like most of that gives you the problem is the scars that your father left when you were a child, so getting some kind of job like this will help you, because the health insurance that came with it will afford you a therapist to help you.
 

hellolin

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When thoughts like this enter your head, shake yourself out of it and start focusing on the present.

If your mind "time travels" at the grocery store, notice yourself doing this and start focusing on what you're doing - finding the items you need, paying, smiling at others, whatever. Be present.

Give mindfulness meditation a try every morning - it really helps with practicing the ability to let unwanted thoughts go as they come peacefully and to be present in the moment.

Good job taking some kind of action.
His strength should allow him to practice some improv, which will make him learn how to focus on the present, like laser focus. Since his strength will most likely allow him to excel at it, he should have no problem snap out of this.
 

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I know this is from 2017, but I creeped through threads and found this and couldn't resist not responding. This could be 100% written for me, and it's 100% true. The limiting beliefs and excuses need to stop.

Edit: This forum is so amazing.
It's always easier to blame someone else!
 
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Paul David

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wonder how the original OP is getting on. Hasn't been here for 5 years now though. Guess he really did give up.
 

Shono

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wonder how the original OP is getting on. Hasn't been here for 5 years now though. Guess he really did give up.
I always wonder this when I read through introduction posts of people struggling, only to see they haven't logged on in years. It reinforces my drive to not end up like that.
 

Kevin88660

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I always wonder this when I read through introduction posts of people struggling, only to see they haven't logged on in years. It reinforces my drive to not end up like that.
Could also be they made improvements in life but forgot that they ever posted here.
 
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Shono

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Could also be they made improvements in life but forgot that they ever posted here.
Of course that is a possibility, but if you are one of the lucky ones that read MJ's books, (considering that over 80% of people never finish a book they buy) and then they are part of an inspired subset group that is motivated enough to sign up to this forum. I would argue there is a strong correlation of success with ones longevity on this forum. I hope I can prove this point true, and that I can become successful and record it here as payback for all I am learning.
 

amp0193

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I always wonder this when I read through introduction posts of people struggling, only to see they haven't logged on in years.
Writing about taking action gives your brain the same dopamine hit that actually taking action does.

Ironically makes you less likely to take said action.

Much better to post about what you've already done.
 

Andreas Thiel

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Can you tell me more about this internal work. I seriously need help with this because I can't seem to forgive my father (who's dead now) for what he had done to me. My father was also very, very abusive, physically. I know playing the victim role and thinking about the past isn't good but whenever I'm down on myself, which is a lot, I can't help but think about my father who treated me like crap. Thank you.
A book recommendation (for those who, like me, just discover this thread): "The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships" by Neil Strauss.

It is a little blue pilled for my taste ... as in "become a F*cking boring person", but there is a part about emotional desensitization through "emptying out" first and then "filling up" again. He mentions a term for that, which I keep forgetting.
 
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