In my 40s and stuck

[JAJT]

Sadly, I currently live with my mother and drive for Uber.

This is your choice.

Because of my embarrassing job choice I have no dating life

This is an excuse.

I'm perfectly aware women look for successful men

This is a limiting belief (and frankly a tremendously false one)

I can't seem to forgive my father

This is another excuse.

Dude, if I'm being honest, it sounds like you've built a giant bomb shelter of excuses and limiting beliefs and crawled inside it. Cut that shit out.

You are in your damn 40's and what you wrote sounds like it came from a 16 year old: "girls only like rich men and my job sucks and I live with my mommy and can't forgive my daddy".

Like. Dude. Holy F*ck.
Snap out of this.

First of all, why do you live with your mother at 40?
What's stopping you from moving out?
Do you not work full time?

Second of all, there is no such thing as "all girls". Girls are as unique as boys. Saying all girls only like rich men is a lot like saying all guys only like huge breasts. It just isn't F*cking true. If you can't find a girlfriend it isn't because of your job or your mother or your father it's because of your incorrect beliefs and self doubt. You claim to be attractive looking and have a job - that's more than a lot of guys have who never have a break in their dating life.
The only reason you don't have a girlfriend is because you've rejected yourself before giving anyone else the chance to.

Thirdly, your father has nothing to do with anything. I could go on but that's about the long and short of it. He's gone. You're not. He's not in control of you. Get over it.

If you want my genuine advice - you need to start blaming yourself for a change and start being accountable for your life.

Here's a good line to start with: Things may not be your fault, but they are your responsibility.

That means no matter what the F*ck happens in life - it's on you.

Your dad abused you.

Not your fault. But it's your responsibility to deal with that. To get over it. To move on. To not let a ghost from the past haunt your future.

You live with your mom.

Maybe it's your fault. Maybe it's not. Maybe your job doesn't pay enough. Maybe rent is too high. Maybe you have a disability. I have no idea. But it's your responsibility to fix this. To find a better job. To move to a location you can afford. To find roommates. To get a second job. A third. To learn how to budget. Whatever. It's on you.

You can't find a girlfriend.

Maybe up to now you've been living with incorrect beliefs. Not your fault - maybe that's what you were taught. Maybe you took the media's lies to be truth. Maybe a million things. It's still your responsibility. To change how you think. To be more confident. To not say "no" to yourself before giving someone else the chance to. To be positive. To focus on your positives and work on your negatives. You are accountable for this. Girls aren't the problem. Wealth isn't the problem. You are the problem and you are responsible for fixing it. If you can be responsible for being your best self then the girls can be responsible for accepting this or not. The ones who don't aren't for you. The ones who do might very well be. Women are very capable of deciding what they want for themselves.

You need to be the one responsible for your life.
Not your mother.
Not Uber.
Not your farther.
Not what you think all women want.

Make a huge list of the shit in your life you need to change, and then make the decision that it's you who needs to change it.
Not circumstance.
Not luck.
You.

 

[Maxboost]

Hers is some advice

1-get a job in sales, works great for extroverts
2-work out
3-learn to love yourself first
4-set goals
5-work on personal development, read all of MJ books and maximum achievement by Brian Tracey
6-join some meet ups in your area
7-work on a business

Create a step by step plan on how you want to get out of this situation you are in then post it here

 

[AndrewNC]

Hello

I've come here in desperate need of sound advice. I'm 42, about to be 43 in December. Sadly, I currently live with my mother and drive for Uber. I'm very, very depressed as you can shockingly imagine.

I've pretty much given up on life because of what I've become. Because of my embarrassing job choice I have no dating life, whatsoever, because I'm either sick of lying to women what I do for a living and/or I'm too embarrassed to reveal to them my job choice. So basically, I don't bother dating anymore.

I'm perfectly aware women look for successful men because it's what attracts them. I'm not one of them so it shatters my heart to pieces knowing I can't have the opportunity to love someone with all my heart because of my financial/career choice. I've tried the honest route and as you can imagine it rarely ends well, unless I seriously downgrade my expectations., which I seriously don't want to do. And to be perfectly honest, I don't blame them for not being happy with me. If I was a woman I too would not dare date a guy who friggin' Ubers. Eeecck! And the one woman I loved dearly who accepted me eventually left. Surprise, surprise.

I obviously have made terrible decisions up to this point and in doing so it has cost me so much as an individual. Not to shift blame but I grew up with a father whose instilled a lot of fear and self-doubt in me. I grew up incredibly insecure and scared. I didn't realize all my decision making as a young adult was being based on the fact that I felt deep down inside neither capable, deserving or worthy to achieve good things in life.

I'm incredibly frightened now because for one thing I'm not a spring chicken anymore, I don't have a good job history/resume, I've become complacent/lazy, lack of drive/ambition, lonely, depressed and, well, simply don't know what else to do.

Hence why I'm here.

I mean I want change so bad, so bad but every time I think of myself in this situation I think "There is no hope. I'm too far deep in this hole. There is no getting out" You have no idea how much it pisses me off and saddens me at the same time when I think these thoughts. So much so that it overwhelms my senses and I shove it to the back of my head and go back to Ubering, all the while miserable.

I can't begin to tell you how disappointed I am in myself. I catch myself all the time just not believing how it has all come to this. I keep thinking thoughts of regret and "I should've done this, done that. Not done this, not done that." And yes, I know looking in the past and judging yourself based on it isn't fair because what's done is done but man, when you're in a rut like mine you just can't help it. It overwhelms your survival senses.

So, without wasting too much of your time here are my weaknesses and strengths. This, I hope, will help you to perhaps offer me some positive direction.

Weaknesses

1. Poor job history. (I mean this is really bad. I've worked numerous dead-end jobs.)
2. I hate anything to do with filling long forms or reading excel type sheets.
3. Lack of self-esteem/confidence due to my insecurities as a professional.
4. I don't own anything significant (house, car, stocks, bonds, mutual funds, savings, health benefits.)
5. I lack business knowledge.
6. Discipline.
7. Learning something new.
8. I've failed at almost everything I've done.
9. Lack ambition, mainly due to being stuck for so long.
10. Poor vision and forced to wear uncomfortable lenses( I have Keratoconus.)

Strengths

1. I'm an extrovert when I want to be.
2. I'm artistically creative.
3. I can type over 75 wpm.
4. Computers.
5. I'm a great teacher.
6. I'm funny.
7. I have excellent credit.
8. I'm physically capable of doing things like lifting heavy things.
9. I'm healthy.
10. I'm decent looking.
11. I believe that I'm a terrific songwriter because I always make music in my head that believe would be hits (even though I don't sing, play instruments and have never written an actual song.)
12. Sound effects.
13. Give great advice.
14. Write.

Please, any bit of real, sound advice from someone successful will do me a lot of help.

Thank you.

At your core, you are this white light, at the bottom of a long, dark tunnel.

You want to shine to the surface (free/abundant/attractive/skilled/positive), because that is who you are at your core. As you try to shine who you already are to the surface, you notice all this gunk that has filled up within the tunnel over the years. Your father said something to you as the child (built up in there), something happened when you were younger (built up in there), past failures (built up in there).

Any negative judgement you give yourself is NOT who you are.

You are exactly who you want to be at your core.

The solution I found, is to spend time working on 'clearing the baggage out of that tunnel'. There are a few techniques such as The Emotional Freedom Technique and Timeline Therapy - which I use on myself and clients for exactly this type of stuff.

For me, I spent years on end 'clearing out that tunnel', focusing a lot on releasing the self-judgement, and all those limitations I once thought were who I was, were released, and gone - because they were never who I was to begin with. Just something clogging my vision and taking up my emotions.

Same with you, and everyone else on this planet.

For the internal work - the things I typed above are enough to get you started. Clear out that tunnel and step into who you truly are (the person you say you want to be and from where you are right now - probably someone you think you could never become). Books on personal development don't teach this kind of stuff, and everything I've learned so far was a slow learning curve.

1. Learn the two techniques I showed you,
2. Clear out that tunnel.

For the external - Spend your time sharing and documenting your journey to the self-healing and the boost of confidence that will certainly come from it, and share this experience and insights with others - and eventually you'll one day be 100% confident and happy with who you are today; and you will look back and see so many others struggling.

And you can write a book, hold workshops, or seminars helping other people through the things you struggled through.

If you ask any experienced entrepreneur on this forum, the age thing is just a BS thing that doesn't matter - there were plenty of older people than you who went on to be successful. Where you are coming from now, it feels like a real limitation. But I'm here to tell you straight up - it's not.

So when you go through this journey of boosting your confidence and stepping into who you are with your purpose....

You will be in a perfect position to help others 37 years old and older do the same, because you can be a living example of the transformation they want to make.

In the meantime: I hate giving advice. I'm sure others can chime in here.

But from doing this for years on end myself, and on hundreds of others....the internal work stuff will definitely help. The more you put into it, and when you commit to this for a while...you'll notice the shift. Hammer away one thing at a time, and don't expect a complete transformation overnight.

Expect a complete transformation if you do this daily for 3 months.

Grow, don't change.

 

[Coalission]

It's only your lack of self-esteem and your lack of ambition that is killing your chance at relationships. I've had women crawl over broken glass to stay with me while I was unemployed and living with my mother, so trust me it isn't that. All your other "weaknesses" are non-issues and can be fixed, and many people would kill to have some of your strengths, so let's just agree that there's absolutely nothing wrong with YOU as a person, it's just your mindset.

I'm not a psychologist, so don't know if your dad has anything to do with it, but I'm guessing you've had your heart broken by someone before, and you just never got over it. I've seen great men broken down little by little in a similar fashion to yours because of a breakup and they can take years to recover, because they wrap all of their self-esteem into another person, and when they leave, there goes the self-esteem right along with them.

If you want practical advice, and really feel that you desperately need a woman in your life, and can't rock the Uber gig with pride, then lie better. Don't lie about where you work now, because she'll find out eventually. Instead, make up a story about how you got fired from your cushy executive position at XYZ company for confronting your supervisor who you observed sexually harassing an intern, and now you're forced to live with your mom and Uber for a bit until you get your shit back together. It was all worth it because you strongly believe women should be treated fairly, etc. and now you're a hero working for Uber for a good reason.

You just have to sound like you're making progress, like you're working on something other than meeting women. If you come off as a cynical, bitter blob of self-pity, women will run for the hills no matter what you do for a living. No matter how much you try and hide that, they can sense it.

*Oh, and watch the movie Swingers ASAP if you haven't already. You're so money and you don't even know it.

 

[xoxojbelle]

Hihi! I'm hoping I can help, there has been a ton of good advice on this forum already. I am only 24, but I've been clinically depressed before and I found a way out of it and was able to change my life for the better.

I went from failing college, depressed, sad, and overweight, to graduating with a job offer in one hand and diploma in the other. Now I am redefining my goals to be in the fastlane.

What really helped me was having a routine and a regimen. Having goals, and reading. Who do you want to be and what do you want to do? How can you add value to this world?

When you are depressed, there are important things you must do daily to build self esteem which will help you to become successful:

• Shower in the mornings (I recommend anti-anxiety bodywash-- sounds crazy but I have it and it helps lol)
• Work out DAILY. (Working out gives you confidence and activates endorphins )
• Eat healthy and drink a ton of water
• Communicate with mentors
• READ A TON (If you can't afford books, the library is free-- Read non-fiction books that help you with your goal)
• Journal your goals.
• And More (meditation, relaxation, affirmations, blah, blah, blah )

When deciding on your goals, you must start big, and then break them down into increments. For example in college, end of sophmore year I wrote down:

Goal: To be a Web/Graphic Designer Making $xx,xxx a year by graduation
Steps:

• Take xyz class junior and senior year
• Get xyz internships
• Create web portfolio
• Revamp and Design resume
• Create linkedin
• Go to job fairs
• Interview
• Apply for jobs
• etc....

Make sure the steps are in a logical order-- but also do them quickly and readjust as you go along. They don't have to be perfect but you have to make yourself believe that it can be real. If you don't know how to make something happen --FREAKING GOOGLE IT.
I followed each of these steps and achieved my goals in college. Now i'm working the fastlane process, I am creating steps to ensure my success, which include paying debt, learning skills, reading a ton and so fourth.

After that you have your steps to success. You can't be afraid to work for them. For example, while you figure out your plan, you may need to do some crappy jobs aside from uber to save money. You will need capital to start your fastlane business. Perhaps take some type of ups or fedex job-- you can drive or help unload packages. Not sexy at all, but it is something that can help you create a regimen in your life and save some money. Do not buy anything that is not going to help you forge ahead in your goals-- like an xbox or something.

Do NOT take a crappy job as your ultimate goal. This will just be a stepping stone for more to come- but first are first. Have you been making good money with uber or have you only done it a few times?

 

[JAJT]

I guess it doesn't help that I had an ex that literally crushed my heart into a million pieces not to long ago that I'm not over her yet.

Not to sound like a broken record but you're placing your control in other people's hands again. You are using external "things" as the excuses for your situation.

There's the concept of the "locus of control", from wiki:

In personality psychology, locus of control is the degree to which people believe that they have control over the outcome of events in their lives, as opposed to external forces beyond their control.

Individuals with a strong internal locus of control believe events in their life derive primarily from their own actions: for example, when receiving exam results, people with an internal locus of control tend to praise or blame themselves and their abilities. People with a strong external locus of control tend to praise or blame external factors such as the teacher or the exam.

It's pretty clear, and I'm sure you'll agree, that you have an INCREDIBLY strong external locus of control. This is the #1 problem you face right now.

Honestly, the way you are talking, I'm not sure if reading a few books is going to be enough.
You need a fundamental paradigm shift in mindset.

Until you make the decision to be in control of your own life, you never will be. I don't mean a goal, or a wish, or a hope - but a F*cking decision. A decision is the difference between "I'm doing it, now" and "I'll get to it, hopefully".

People who have a hope/goal/wish to go camping don't go camping.
People who decide to go camping buy a F*cking tent, rent the damn campsite, buy some shitty marshmallows and go camping.

Your girlfriend can decide to leave you but only you can decide how that effects you. Either you are in the gym again on Monday after being broken up with on Sunday or you are crying in bed for the next 3 months. Either way that's your decision. Not hers. The person in the gym isn't any less hurt than the person crying in bed - one has just made a different decision regarding how that breakup is going to affect their life.

Make a decision - Decide to give up control of your life to others, living a life of excuses, or decide to be in control of your own self.

 

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[dbseeker]

Hello

I've come here in desperate need of sound advice. I'm 42, about to be 43 in December. Sadly, I currently live with my mother and drive for Uber. I'm very, very depressed as you can shockingly imagine.

I've pretty much given up on life because of what I've become. Because of my embarrassing job choice I have no dating life, whatsoever, because I'm either sick of lying to women what I do for a living and/or I'm too embarrassed to reveal to them my job choice. So basically, I don't bother dating anymore.

I'm perfectly aware women look for successful men because it's what attracts them. I'm not one of them so it shatters my heart to pieces knowing I can't have the opportunity to love someone with all my heart because of my financial/career choice. I've tried the honest route and as you can imagine it rarely ends well, unless I seriously downgrade my expectations., which I seriously don't want to do. And to be perfectly honest, I don't blame them for not being happy with me. If I was a woman I too would not dare date a guy who friggin' Ubers. Eeecck! And the one woman I loved dearly who accepted me eventually left. Surprise, surprise.

I obviously have made terrible decisions up to this point and in doing so it has cost me so much as an individual. Not to shift blame but I grew up with a father whose instilled a lot of fear and self-doubt in me. I grew up incredibly insecure and scared. I didn't realize all my decision making as a young adult was being based on the fact that I felt deep down inside neither capable, deserving or worthy to achieve good things in life.

I'm incredibly frightened now because for one thing I'm not a spring chicken anymore, I don't have a good job history/resume, I've become complacent/lazy, lack of drive/ambition, lonely, depressed and, well, simply don't know what else to do.

Hence why I'm here.

I mean I want change so bad, so bad but every time I think of myself in this situation I think "There is no hope. I'm too far deep in this hole. There is no getting out" You have no idea how much it pisses me off and saddens me at the same time when I think these thoughts. So much so that it overwhelms my senses and I shove it to the back of my head and go back to Ubering, all the while miserable.

I can't begin to tell you how disappointed I am in myself. I catch myself all the time just not believing how it has all come to this. I keep thinking thoughts of regret and "I should've done this, done that. Not done this, not done that." And yes, I know looking in the past and judging yourself based on it isn't fair because what's done is done but man, when you're in a rut like mine you just can't help it. It overwhelms your survival senses.

So, without wasting too much of your time here are my weaknesses and strengths. This, I hope, will help you to perhaps offer me some positive direction.

Weaknesses

1. Poor job history. (I mean this is really bad. I've worked numerous dead-end jobs.)
2. I hate anything to do with filling long forms or reading excel type sheets.
3. Lack of self-esteem/confidence due to my insecurities as a professional.
4. I don't own anything significant (house, car, stocks, bonds, mutual funds, savings, health benefits.)
5. I lack business knowledge.
6. Discipline.
7. Learning something new.
8. I've failed at almost everything I've done.
9. Lack ambition, mainly due to being stuck for so long.
10. Poor vision and forced to wear uncomfortable lenses( I have Keratoconus.)

Strengths

1. I'm an extrovert when I want to be.
2. I'm artistically creative.
3. I can type over 75 wpm.
4. Computers.
5. I'm a great teacher.
6. I'm funny.
7. I have excellent credit.
8. I'm physically capable of doing things like lifting heavy things.
9. I'm healthy.
10. I'm decent looking.
11. I believe that I'm a terrific songwriter because I always make music in my head that believe would be hits (even though I don't sing, play instruments and have never written an actual song.)
12. Sound effects.
13. Give great advice.
14. Write.

Please, any bit of real, sound advice from someone successful will do me a lot of help.

Thank you.

 

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[StevieB]

I mean I want change so bad, so bad but every time I think of myself in this situation I think "There is no hope. I'm too far deep in this hole. There is no getting out" You have no idea how much it pisses me off and saddens me at the same time when I think these thoughts. So much so that it overwhelms my senses and I shove it to the back of my head and go back to Ubering, all the while miserable.

Always hate to hear these types of stories, but at least it sounds like you've taken the first step which a lot of people can never take. It's taking 100% responsibility for your own situation.

In a consumption society that everyone likes to 'buy things' they naturally think that 'external things' are what's going to help them, the large majority think -- 'if I could just get into school' 'if I could just attend that seminar' 'if I could only get a lucky break'. Now, some of that may be all and well but it's not really what will lead you to the road of success and is mainly just excuses.

The part of your post that I quoted is your main problem. You just keep doing the same thing you've been doing. If you want to change your situation you need to change your actions. In order to change your actions it starts with your outlook and the way you think about things.

While your driving listen to audiobooks. Knowledge is the most powerful weapon you can wield and these days it's almost unlimited and cheaply available. Learn to program. Learn to sell. Exercise. Go to meetup.com and find local groups that are interested in the same things your interested in. Move to another state. Or even just move to another room. Changing your environment is extremely powerful to change your actions.

Whatever you do, make a plan and do something different.

Success is a road that is made up of a lot of right small choices. I didn't play video games, I read books. I didn't go out with friends one night I learned to program better. I didn't watch Law & Order like I always did, I went out and networked.

Put yourself in situations that can give you a chance at opportunity. If you just do the same thing day in and day out you will get the same results of your current day in and day out.

 

[WJK]

Hello

Please, any bit of real, sound advice from someone successful will do me a lot of help. Thank you.

So, what's your plan? Get off of your pity pot and do something. Anything. Make a plan -- even if is making a to-do-list... or picking up the phone to contact someone you know or don't know... get a job that involves working with people... if not a job, how about volunteering... write a song to sing to kids in the hospital...

You sound depressed and stuck. The only person stopping you is in your mirror. Talk to that guy and push him out the door to do something -- other than crying in your beer.

On a personal note:

You are right about finding a woman. You have a 100% chance of failing right now, because you're not trying. Learn to be true friend to the woman who interest you, and you'll have a good chance. That's how my husband captured my heart.

 

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[G-Man]

Currently, I'm working at it somewhere between full and part time.

Can't you drive uber literally whenever you want?

You're pissed off that you live with your mom and can't get a woman because you're broke... yet you're not even making full time effort at Uber?... maybe you're just lazy. I'd work on that before anything else, honestly.

Also, while being rich might help you in dating, I've been broker than broke and had a dating life. I'm also, for the record, not good looking by any standard. Mrs G-man married me while I was unemployed and sleeping on the floor in a sublet apartment with no furniture. So - ugly, broke, living in a shitbox, there's still ladies out there that will give you a chance. I don't know any that are super attracted to guys that complain about being poor, though. Another for the record: A good friend is worth about 3 million and lives in a literal mansion and is constantly complaining about how he can't get a date.... so, yeah. There you go.

I'm not trying to dog-pile on you here, but you're also too old to coddle. If you want to change your life, just change it. Attack one of those things at a time:

• Don't wanna live with mom? - Go find another place, or start saving for one
• Hate your job? - find another one
• Can't get a date? - maybe ask a lady out once in a while, and get through an entire date without complaining

We're rooting for you.

 

[JAJT]

I kept picturing her beauty that I'll most likely never get touch again.

When thoughts like this enter your head, shake yourself out of it and start focusing on the present.

If your mind "time travels" at the grocery store, notice yourself doing this and start focusing on what you're doing - finding the items you need, paying, smiling at others, whatever. Be present.

Give mindfulness meditation a try every morning - it really helps with practicing the ability to let unwanted thoughts go as they come peacefully and to be present in the moment.

Good job taking some kind of action.

 

[Shono]

wonder how the original OP is getting on. Hasn't been here for 5 years now though. Guess he really did give up.

I always wonder this when I read through introduction posts of people struggling, only to see they haven't logged on in years. It reinforces my drive to not end up like that.

 

[garyjsmith]

Well, the good news is you realize you need to change. So, mark your post here as the first day of the rest of your life, no turning back.

Get out of your comfort zone. Read/listen to books. Meet business-minded people in your area (maybe a local BNI), do not ask them for anything -- not even their time -- your job is to give from now on. Discuss ideas, listen more than you talk, and show your mom as well as the rest of the world that you're all about change. Build a better you. Build the best you that you can think of, and then keep going (mental toughness).

Go find the job where you can affect the most people's lives, get good at it even if it's not what you ultimately want to do, and be the best you can. And, lastly, check back in when you've made improvements. You are part of the community and everyone wants you to win.

 

[Iammelissamoore]

I am no professional, but I would imagine that abuse can shatter anyone in many different ways, regardless of what type of abuse it is. You are living a life blaming yourself for the pressures of your father that were inflicted upon you and possibly because you didn't gain an opportunity to face the root issues that caused the fear that grew out of control, it has negatively affected your well-being.

Surely, it must have taken a lot for you to share this post that you have, THAT is a very huge step so kudos to you. I think you need to dig deeply within and you have to face the hurt.

What exactly did your dad say to you on numerous occasions that continuously hurt you? Was it in his tone of voice? Was it in his actions? How old were you? How'd you felt at that age when you first experienced it? How long did it go on for? How did you feel each time he said or did it? - I'm not asking you these questions for you to answer me aloud on the forum, these are just for you to get into the core of what initiated the trauma in your life so it can help you begin to face that part of you that was shattered. Is it possible for you to arrange with a professional to help you get to the core of this situation? This may be necessary if you really want to face this issue and it may be necessary just so you can have that professional support necessary to see you through this journey of healing. You may have to go back in time, you have to heal those wounds, because as you have seen, it has miserably affected you and it is interfering with many aspects of your being. Now, does this mean you are broken and hopeless? NO WAY it doesn't mean that.

We live in a world in which people who were close to death, bed-ridden with stage 4 cancer have made FULL recoveries and are retaining their health; or, people who have suffered mental breakdowns and survived suicidal attempts have recovered and are helping others heal all while living fulfilling lives and facing challenges head on as they come - I'm saying this to inform you that no matter how far gone we may feel in our lives, there IS always that point of return and it begins with us, and as you have submitted this post, this is your first step. Now that you have acknowledged the problem, it is time for you to take action and seek that healing because as you have stated, your father has passed on, thus, he lived his life. You are still here and while you are here, you still have your purpose(s) to fulfil and I wish that you WILL live a fulfilling life in your most healthy state of which you and we all are fully deserving.

 

[amp0193]

I always wonder this when I read through introduction posts of people struggling, only to see they haven't logged on in years.

Writing about taking action gives your brain the same dopamine hit that actually taking action does.

Ironically makes you less likely to take said action.

Much better to post about what you've already done.

 

[dbseeker]

This is your choice.



This is an excuse.



This is a limiting belief (and frankly a tremendously false one)



This is another excuse.

Dude, if I'm being honest, it sounds like you've built a giant bomb shelter of excuses and limiting beliefs and crawled inside it. Cut that shit out.

You are in your damn 40's and what you wrote sounds like it came from a 16 year old: "girls only like rich men and my job sucks and I live with my mommy and can't forgive my daddy".

Like. Dude. Holy F*ck.
Snap out of this.

First of all, why do you live with your mother at 40?
What's stopping you from moving out?
Do you not work full time?

Second of all, there is no such thing as "all girls". Girls are as unique as boys. Saying all girls only like rich men is a lot like saying all guys only like huge breasts. It just isn't F*cking true. If you can't find a girlfriend it isn't because of your job or your mother or your father it's because of your incorrect beliefs and self doubt. You claim to be attractive looking and have a job - that's more than a lot of guys have who never have a break in their dating life.
The only reason you don't have a girlfriend is because you've rejected yourself before giving anyone else the chance to.

Thirdly, your father has nothing to do with anything. I could go on but that's about the long and short of it. He's gone. You're not. He's not in control of you. Get over it.

If you want my genuine advice - you need to start blaming yourself for a change and start being accountable for your life.

Here's a good line to start with: Things may not be your fault, but they are your responsibility.

That means no matter what the F*ck happens in life - it's on you.

Your dad abused you.

Not your fault. But it's your responsibility to deal with that. To get over it. To move on. To not let a ghost from the past haunt your future.

You live with your mom.

Maybe it's your fault. Maybe it's not. Maybe your job doesn't pay enough. Maybe rent is too high. Maybe you have a disability. I have no idea. But it's your responsibility to fix this. To find a better job. To move to a location you can afford. To find roommates. To get a second job. A third. To learn how to budget. Whatever. It's on you.

You can't find a girlfriend.

Maybe up to now you've been living with incorrect beliefs. Not your fault - maybe that's what you were taught. Maybe you took the media's lies to be truth. Maybe a million things. It's still your responsibility. To change how you think. To be more confident. To not say "no" to yourself before giving someone else the chance to. To be positive. To focus on your positives and work on your negatives. You are accountable for this. Girls aren't the problem. Wealth isn't the problem. You are the problem and you are responsible for fixing it. If you can be responsible for being your best self then the girls can be responsible for accepting this or not. The ones who don't aren't for you. The ones who do might very well be. Women are very capable of deciding what they want for themselves.

You need to be the one responsible for your life.
Not your mother.
Not Uber.
Not your farther.
Not what you think all women want.

Make a huge list of the shit in your life you need to change, and then make the decision that it's you who needs to change it.
Not circumstance.
Not luck.
You.

You were pretty blunt but I suppose you're right. Thank you.

 

[NewManRising]

I will also mention is you need to cut off toxic people in your life. You need better boundaries, live life on your terms, etc.

 

[NewManRising]

Can't you drive uber literally whenever you want?

You're pissed off that you live with your mom and can't get a woman because you're broke... yet you're not even making full time effort at Uber?... maybe you're just lazy. I'd work on that before anything else, honestly.

Also, while being rich might help you in dating, I've been broker than broke and had a dating life. I'm also, for the record, not good looking by any standard. Mrs G-man married me while I was unemployed and sleeping on the floor in a sublet apartment with no furniture. So - ugly, broke, living in a shitbox, there's still ladies out there that will give you a chance. I don't know any that are super attracted to guys that complain about being poor, though. Another for the record: A good friend is worth about 3 million and lives in a literal mansion and is constantly complaining about how he can't get a date.... so, yeah. There you go.

I'm not trying to dog-pile on you here, but you're also too old to coddle. If you want to change your life, just change it. Attack one of those things at a time:

• Don't wanna live with mom? - Go find another place, or start saving for one
• Hate your job? - find another one
• Can't get a date? - maybe ask a lady out once in a while, and get through an entire date without complaining

We're rooting for you.

Indeed. The whole " women want rich guys, with big dicks, and buff," is a lie. This is for some women (the minority). I have learned through expereince that most women are not like this. The mindset is a male's mindset/perspective because they see that shit on TV. Also, other guys they hang with that try to use external things to attract women because they are insecure. I am probably average looking, a little overweight, I am not rich, and I am not particularly outgoing, and women are always showing interest in me. The funny thing is, if you are so conditioned to think women want a rich buff guy with a big dick you are always going to think you are unworthy when an attractive female wants you.

 

[Almantas]

This is your choice.



This is an excuse.



This is a limiting belief (and frankly a tremendously false one)



This is another excuse.

Dude, if I'm being honest, it sounds like you've built a giant bomb shelter of excuses and limiting beliefs and crawled inside it. Cut that shit out.

You are in your damn 40's and what you wrote sounds like it came from a 16 year old: "girls only like rich men and my job sucks and I live with my mommy and can't forgive my daddy".

Like. Dude. Holy F*ck.
Snap out of this.

First of all, why do you live with your mother at 40?
What's stopping you from moving out?
Do you not work full time?

Second of all, there is no such thing as "all girls". Girls are as unique as boys. Saying all girls only like rich men is a lot like saying all guys only like huge breasts. It just isn't F*cking true. If you can't find a girlfriend it isn't because of your job or your mother or your father it's because of your incorrect beliefs and self doubt. You claim to be attractive looking and have a job - that's more than a lot of guys have who never have a break in their dating life.
The only reason you don't have a girlfriend is because you've rejected yourself before giving anyone else the chance to.

Thirdly, your father has nothing to do with anything. I could go on but that's about the long and short of it. He's gone. You're not. He's not in control of you. Get over it.

If you want my genuine advice - you need to start blaming yourself for a change and start being accountable for your life.

Here's a good line to start with: Things may not be your fault, but they are your responsibility.

That means no matter what the F*ck happens in life - it's on you.

Your dad abused you.

Not your fault. But it's your responsibility to deal with that. To get over it. To move on. To not let a ghost from the past haunt your future.

You live with your mom.

Maybe it's your fault. Maybe it's not. Maybe your job doesn't pay enough. Maybe rent is too high. Maybe you have a disability. I have no idea. But it's your responsibility to fix this. To find a better job. To move to a location you can afford. To find roommates. To get a second job. A third. To learn how to budget. Whatever. It's on you.

You can't find a girlfriend.

Maybe up to now you've been living with incorrect beliefs. Not your fault - maybe that's what you were taught. Maybe you took the media's lies to be truth. Maybe a million things. It's still your responsibility. To change how you think. To be more confident. To not say "no" to yourself before giving someone else the chance to. To be positive. To focus on your positives and work on your negatives. You are accountable for this. Girls aren't the problem. Wealth isn't the problem. You are the problem and you are responsible for fixing it. If you can be responsible for being your best self then the girls can be responsible for accepting this or not. The ones who don't aren't for you. The ones who do might very well be. Women are very capable of deciding what they want for themselves.

You need to be the one responsible for your life.
Not your mother.
Not Uber.
Not your farther.
Not what you think all women want.

Make a huge list of the shit in your life you need to change, and then make the decision that it's you who needs to change it.
Not circumstance.
Not luck.
You.

The Judge has spoken. Case closed.

Dude, if the OP hasn't learned anything from your golden respone, he either can't read or can't think.

 

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[Maxboost]

Well, I took some positive action today. I went and purchased a notepad and sharpie to write down ideas and goals and what not. Even though I'm just starring at it but hopefully I can gather courage to start writing. Tomorrow I'm gonna go get me my membership at the local gym.

It's been really hard for me today especially. When I was at the supermarket thoughts of my ex hit me hard. I kept picturing her beauty that I'll most likely never get touch again. Just sux. Sorry for sappy story.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life is a 2003 self-help book by Dr. Robert A. Glover. You are suffering from Nice Guy syndrome. It is whats holding you back

 

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[FeaRxUnLeAsHeD]

Just take one action step.. Every.Single.Day.

Start with a plan, write it out, and just do one thing every single day. You don't have to conquer the world tomorrow morning, but you should look to take at least one step a day towards your particular ideal.

Then, when that becomes too simple, take 2 steps. Then 3. Then do 3 things every morning. Then a few in the afternoon.

I suggest reading the compound effect and some material from Tony Robbins on goal setting - take a few days and just read a few books. Hell, download the audibles and put a headset in 1 ear while you drive UBER and listen to a few e-books from Tony and on the Compound Effect, and then start taking action.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" - Maria Robinson

 

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[Shono]

This is your choice.



This is an excuse.



This is a limiting belief (and frankly a tremendously false one)



This is another excuse.

Dude, if I'm being honest, it sounds like you've built a giant bomb shelter of excuses and limiting beliefs and crawled inside it. Cut that shit out.

You are in your damn 40's and what you wrote sounds like it came from a 16 year old: "girls only like rich men and my job sucks and I live with my mommy and can't forgive my daddy".

Like. Dude. Holy F*ck.
Snap out of this.

First of all, why do you live with your mother at 40?
What's stopping you from moving out?
Do you not work full time?

Second of all, there is no such thing as "all girls". Girls are as unique as boys. Saying all girls only like rich men is a lot like saying all guys only like huge breasts. It just isn't F*cking true. If you can't find a girlfriend it isn't because of your job or your mother or your father it's because of your incorrect beliefs and self doubt. You claim to be attractive looking and have a job - that's more than a lot of guys have who never have a break in their dating life.
The only reason you don't have a girlfriend is because you've rejected yourself before giving anyone else the chance to.

Thirdly, your father has nothing to do with anything. I could go on but that's about the long and short of it. He's gone. You're not. He's not in control of you. Get over it.

If you want my genuine advice - you need to start blaming yourself for a change and start being accountable for your life.

Here's a good line to start with: Things may not be your fault, but they are your responsibility.

That means no matter what the F*ck happens in life - it's on you.

Your dad abused you.

Not your fault. But it's your responsibility to deal with that. To get over it. To move on. To not let a ghost from the past haunt your future.

You live with your mom.

Maybe it's your fault. Maybe it's not. Maybe your job doesn't pay enough. Maybe rent is too high. Maybe you have a disability. I have no idea. But it's your responsibility to fix this. To find a better job. To move to a location you can afford. To find roommates. To get a second job. A third. To learn how to budget. Whatever. It's on you.

You can't find a girlfriend.

Maybe up to now you've been living with incorrect beliefs. Not your fault - maybe that's what you were taught. Maybe you took the media's lies to be truth. Maybe a million things. It's still your responsibility. To change how you think. To be more confident. To not say "no" to yourself before giving someone else the chance to. To be positive. To focus on your positives and work on your negatives. You are accountable for this. Girls aren't the problem. Wealth isn't the problem. You are the problem and you are responsible for fixing it. If you can be responsible for being your best self then the girls can be responsible for accepting this or not. The ones who don't aren't for you. The ones who do might very well be. Women are very capable of deciding what they want for themselves.

You need to be the one responsible for your life.
Not your mother.
Not Uber.
Not your farther.
Not what you think all women want.

Make a huge list of the shit in your life you need to change, and then make the decision that it's you who needs to change it.
Not circumstance.
Not luck.
You.

I know this is from 2017, but I creeped through threads and found this and couldn't resist not responding. This could be 100% written for me, and it's 100% true. The limiting beliefs and excuses need to stop.

Edit: This forum is so amazing.

 

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[WJK]

I know this is from 2017, but I creeped through threads and found this and couldn't resist not responding. This could be 100% written for me, and it's 100% true. The limiting beliefs and excuses need to stop.

Edit: This forum is so amazing.

It's always easier to blame someone else!

 

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[ljean]

Yes, get a job in sales. Anything - cars, furniture, hot tubs, carpet, appliances... If you are good you will make decent coin and bring your self esteem up.

 

[dbseeker]

At your core, you are this white light, at the bottom of a long, dark tunnel.

You want to shine to the surface (free/abundant/attractive/skilled/positive), because that is who you are at your core. As you try to shine who you already are to the surface, you notice all this gunk that has filled up within the tunnel over the years. Your father said something to you as the child (built up in there), something happened when you were younger (built up in there), past failures (built up in there).

Any negative judgement you give yourself is NOT who you are.

You are exactly who you want to be at your core.

The solution I found, is to spend time working on 'clearing the baggage out of that tunnel'. There are a few techniques such as The Emotional Freedom Technique and Timeline Therapy - which I use on myself and clients for exactly this type of stuff.

For me, I spent years on end 'clearing out that tunnel', focusing a lot on releasing the self-judgement, and all those limitations I once thought were who I was, were released, and gone - because they were never who I was to begin with. Just something clogging my vision and taking up my emotions.

Same with you, and everyone else on this planet.

For the internal work - the things I typed above are enough to get you started. Clear out that tunnel and step into who you truly are (the person you say you want to be and from where you are right now - probably someone you think you could never become). Books on personal development don't teach this kind of stuff, and everything I've learned so far was a slow learning curve.

1. Learn the two techniques I showed you,
2. Clear out that tunnel.

For the external - Spend your time sharing and documenting your journey to the self-healing and the boost of confidence that will certainly come from it, and share this experience and insights with others - and eventually you'll one day be 100% confident and happy with who you are today; and you will look back and see so many others struggling.

And you can write a book, hold workshops, or seminars helping other people through the things you struggled through.

If you ask any experienced entrepreneur on this forum, the age thing is just a BS thing that doesn't matter - there were plenty of older people than you who went on to be successful. Where you are coming from now, it feels like a real limitation. But I'm here to tell you straight up - it's not.

So when you go through this journey of boosting your confidence and stepping into who you are with your purpose....

You will be in a perfect position to help others 37 years old and older do the same, because you can be a living example of the transformation they want to make.

In the meantime: I hate giving advice. I'm sure others can chime in here.

But from doing this for years on end myself, and on hundreds of others....the internal work stuff will definitely help. The more you put into it, and when you commit to this for a while...you'll notice the shift. Hammer away one thing at a time, and don't expect a complete transformation overnight.

Expect a complete transformation if you do this daily for 3 months.

Grow, don't change.

Can you tell me more about this internal work. I seriously need help with this because I can't seem to forgive my father (who's dead now) for what he had done to me. My father was also very, very abusive, physically. I know playing the victim role and thinking about the past isn't good but whenever I'm down on myself, which is a lot, I can't help but think about my father who treated me like crap. Thank you.

 

[PetePreneur]

Hello

I've come here in desperate need of sound advice. I'm 42, about to be 43 in December. Sadly, I currently live with my mother and drive for Uber. I'm very, very depressed as you can shockingly imagine.

I've pretty much given up on life because of what I've become. Because of my embarrassing job choice I have no dating life, whatsoever, because I'm either sick of lying to women what I do for a living and/or I'm too embarrassed to reveal to them my job choice. So basically, I don't bother dating anymore.

I'm perfectly aware women look for successful men because it's what attracts them. I'm not one of them so it shatters my heart to pieces knowing I can't have the opportunity to love someone with all my heart because of my financial/career choice. I've tried the honest route and as you can imagine it rarely ends well, unless I seriously downgrade my expectations., which I seriously don't want to do. And to be perfectly honest, I don't blame them for not being happy with me. If I was a woman I too would not dare date a guy who friggin' Ubers. Eeecck! And the one woman I loved dearly who accepted me eventually left. Surprise, surprise.

I obviously have made terrible decisions up to this point and in doing so it has cost me so much as an individual. Not to shift blame but I grew up with a father whose instilled a lot of fear and self-doubt in me. I grew up incredibly insecure and scared. I didn't realize all my decision making as a young adult was being based on the fact that I felt deep down inside neither capable, deserving or worthy to achieve good things in life.

I'm incredibly frightened now because for one thing I'm not a spring chicken anymore, I don't have a good job history/resume, I've become complacent/lazy, lack of drive/ambition, lonely, depressed and, well, simply don't know what else to do.

Hence why I'm here.

I mean I want change so bad, so bad but every time I think of myself in this situation I think "There is no hope. I'm too far deep in this hole. There is no getting out" You have no idea how much it pisses me off and saddens me at the same time when I think these thoughts. So much so that it overwhelms my senses and I shove it to the back of my head and go back to Ubering, all the while miserable.

I can't begin to tell you how disappointed I am in myself. I catch myself all the time just not believing how it has all come to this. I keep thinking thoughts of regret and "I should've done this, done that. Not done this, not done that." And yes, I know looking in the past and judging yourself based on it isn't fair because what's done is done but man, when you're in a rut like mine you just can't help it. It overwhelms your survival senses.

So, without wasting too much of your time here are my weaknesses and strengths. This, I hope, will help you to perhaps offer me some positive direction.

Weaknesses

1. Poor job history. (I mean this is really bad. I've worked numerous dead-end jobs.)
2. I hate anything to do with filling long forms or reading excel type sheets.
3. Lack of self-esteem/confidence due to my insecurities as a professional.
4. I don't own anything significant (house, car, stocks, bonds, mutual funds, savings, health benefits.)
5. I lack business knowledge.
6. Discipline.
7. Learning something new.
8. I've failed at almost everything I've done.
9. Lack ambition, mainly due to being stuck for so long.
10. Poor vision and forced to wear uncomfortable lenses( I have Keratoconus.)

Strengths

1. I'm an extrovert when I want to be.
2. I'm artistically creative.
3. I can type over 75 wpm.
4. Computers.
5. I'm a great teacher.
6. I'm funny.
7. I have excellent credit.
8. I'm physically capable of doing things like lifting heavy things.
9. I'm healthy.
10. I'm decent looking.
11. I believe that I'm a terrific songwriter because I always make music in my head that believe would be hits (even though I don't sing, play instruments and have never written an actual song.)
12. Sound effects.
13. Give great advice.
14. Write.

Please, any bit of real, sound advice from someone successful will do me a lot of help.

Thank you.

First things first, read as many stories as possible about people who started to succeed in whatever they did later in life and do it ideally everyday to drill it into your brain that it’s possible. You’re still quite young. You might die at 90, so you’ve not even lived half your life yet. There’s so much time to go. I can guarantee at 60, you won’t be thinking you were old at 42. Similar to how at 30 you were probably thinking you were old, but shock horror, it doesn’t seem old at all now you’re 42. People have a really poor ability to see age with a rational mind for whatever reason.

My practical advice would be to leverage your computer skills in some way. These are the most valuable skills you can have in the 21st century. You could start something on the side when you’re not Ubering. What specifically can you do with PCs and what interests you? Can you code etc?

 

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[Maxboost]

I really would like to help and I was expecting any type of plan in response to my post, but the first post the OP gives is to blame his dad? This guy obviously never read the TMFL or forgot about the chapter that talked about personal accountability and that you are DIRECTLY responsible for where you are at in life. You are in charge of your life and can make any changes to your choices/decisions which will DIRECTLY affect your future.

If the OP doesn't give us a detailed plan on how he is to improve his life, we are wasting time trying to help. No one here should hold your hand OP.

PS-Life is F*cken hard, deal with it. Many people have it much worse.

 

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[WJK]

Can you tell me more about this internal work. I seriously need help with this because I can't seem to forgive my father (who's dead now) for what he had done to me. My father was also very, very abusive, physically. I know playing the victim role and thinking about the past isn't good but whenever I'm down on myself, which is a lot, I can't help but think about my father who treated me like crap. Thank you.

I just got back from a 10 day to see my dad -- who just had a stroke. I have a similar background to yours. I used to end up in hospital every time I had to see him. Now my spirit is quiet and I can see Dad without that overwhelming pain. How?

I haven't forgotten what he did. Yes, being around him is like trying to walk on an uneven floor -- everything is off of tilt because he's re-written our history to his advantage. No, nothing is his fault and he did nothing wrong. He hasn't changed, other than he's on a walker and sits in his chair bitching all day long. What happened to me was terrible. Today, they'd throw him under the jail. He has no remorse. He has only anger for me because I get up and walk out anytime says or does something that I feel is TOO offensive. Sometimes I just go for a walk. Other times I get in rental car and I leave. I have the choice. Sometimes I just laugh at what he says -- it's just too far off of my reality -- and that really gets his goat. Either way, I don't take it all too seriously. He's not worth the pain. I have come to feel sorry for him because he has a huge hole in his heart that he can never fill. I have a happy, completely busy, full of love life that he can't touch or mess up any more. I pray everyday that I am kinder to him now that I have the power, than he was to me when he had all the power. I also pray for his happiness and heath everyday. I have forgiven him for me -- not for him. The opposite of love is NOT hate. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Yes, during my 10 day trip, I did leave his house for a couple of days to visit a very dear friend, and then I stopped back at Dad's house for a couple days at the end of the trip. He was a little bit nicer when I got back from my friend's...

Basically, I have changed. I just see it differently. Dad always have said that I'm most stubborn person he's ever met. And I am totally determined in my life. My background has made me brave when other people throw in their cards. I was the kid who could never go home. I had to stick it out when I was young and green in the business world. That mental toughness has propelled me further than anyone around me. I survived and I have thrived in situations where other people fell into their pity pots. I am also a lot more compassionate that a lot of people around me. I know what others are suffering because I have similar battle scars. I wouldn't wish my background on anyone. BUT, since it is mine, it is my greatest asset.

And that's how I do it! You can do it too. There's a whole community of us survivors out there...

 

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[dbseeker]

I am no professional, but I would imagine that abuse can shatter anyone in many different ways, regardless of what type of abuse it is. You are living a life blaming yourself for the pressures of your father that were inflicted upon you and possibly because you didn't gain an opportunity to face the root issues that caused the fear that grew out of control, it has negatively affected your well-being.

Surely, it must have taken a lot for you to share this post that you have, THAT is a very huge step so kudos to you. I think you need to dig deeply within and you have to face the hurt.

What exactly did your dad say to you on numerous occasions that continuously hurt you? Was it in his tone of voice? Was it in his actions? How old were you? How'd you felt at that age when you first experienced it? How long did it go on for? How did you feel each time he said or did it? - I'm not asking you these questions for you to answer me aloud on the forum, these are just for you to get into the core of what initiated the trauma in your life so it can help you begin to face that part of you that was shattered. Is it possible for you to arrange with a professional to help you get to the core of this situation? This may be necessary if you really want to face this issue and it may be necessary just so you can have that professional support necessary to see you through this journey of healing. You may have to go back in time, you have to heal those wounds, because as you have seen, it has miserably affected you and it is interfering with many aspects of your being. Now, does this mean you are broken and hopeless? NO WAY it doesn't mean that.

We live in a world in which people who were close to death, bed-ridden with stage 4 cancer have made FULL recoveries and are retaining their health; or, people who have suffered mental breakdowns and survived suicidal attempts have recovered and are helping others heal all while living fulfilling lives and facing challenges head on as they come - I'm saying this to inform you that no matter how far gone we may feel in our lives, there IS always that point of return and it begins with us, and as you have submitted this post, this is your first step. Now that you have acknowledged the problem, it is time for you to take action and seek that healing because as you have stated, your father has passed on, thus, he lived his life. You are still here and while you are here, you still have your purpose(s) to fulfil and I wish that you WILL live a fulfilling life in your most healthy state of which you and we all are fully deserving.

You are very right about a lot of what you said. Thank you.

 

[TreyAllDay]

Hello

I've come here in desperate need of sound advice. I'm 42, about to be 43 in December. Sadly, I currently live with my mother and drive for Uber. I'm very, very depressed as you can shockingly imagine.

Thank you.

One of my favourite quotes from MFL was "You are exactly who you choose to be". Regardless of your upbringing, you are where you are because you've chosen to be, and you've chosen to be unhappy. You need a mindset shift first, because you CAN be happy if you choose to. Read millionaire fastlane and unscripted , start listening to some mindset podcasts ( I like Lewis Howes) they are easy to listen to for a quick 45 minutes. Honestly, and I can't stress this ENOUGH: It doesn't matter what skills you learn or how much money you make, it will be no use or will slip away if you don't shift your mindset for high performance, respecting your life and time, etc. Once you get your mind right, then you can focus on the business strategy. The good news is: you know you have to make a change, and that puts you a step ahead where you were yesterday.

Many mentioned sales is a good start - completely true. Many high performers get their start in sales.

And if it's any encouragement, I run a successful growing business today. Less than 3 years ago I was a stoner loser going paycheck to paycheck, dodging calls from collectors and getting my phone cut off every other month.