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I shed myself of my dead weight "friends"

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JWM

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I'm not much of a writer, so I hope this flows nicely and is easy to read, bear with me as I start practicing.

Over the last 6-8 months I have found myself in a position where I have basically said good bye to most of my "friends", the dead weight in my life.

This is part of a larger picture that I will write about for the forum another time, but this particular component has come with a good and bad side that I want to discuss and even gain some advice.

I've mentioned before that TMF and UNSCRIPTED were the answer to how I feeling about the way my life was playing out as a day to day engineer, I wanted something bigger and better but couldn't find where to start. They have been a catalyst for my mindset development.

A part of that mindset development was identifying those around me who's lifestyles and personalities clashed with my newly developing one. They enjoyed heavy drinking on weekends, gaming in their spare time, poor lifestyle/health choices, general wasting time nonsense, things I wasn't really interested in. Not to mention they had no belief in what I was doing, or were jealous that I was taking the leap.

I thought I would let the relationships naturally fade out by cutting back on communication with them. What I found was that they essentially disappeared, which was disappointing (they gave no effort or interest in me) but at the same time a relief (I was correct).

I currently have a small circle of good quality people in my life, but I'm also feeling a little isolated which I'm beginning to think is affecting my happiness. I need to fill the void of those friends that are out of my life with people on a similar journey and have the same mindset as me. That's where my trouble start.

How do I even begin to find people the same as you and me on a social level, not just a business networking level?

I have seen people suggest meetup.com and things like that but I always see guru looking courses being pushed on there that lead to selling tickets to the next course etc.

Does anyone out there have any advice? Have you or are you experiencing something similar?
 

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How do I even begin to find people the same as you and me on a social level, not just a business networking level?
I guess it depends on what you mean by you and me. What level of entrepreneurship you are envisioning.

If Meetup is too 'suit and tie networking' orientated for you then how about trying Hackerspace Melbourne. There will be some hobbyists there for sure but also inventor's, entrepreneurs etc. looking at creating a product for market. As an engineer I would have thought you would fit in well and it is a good environment to broaden your circle of friends as well as gain access to people with complimentary skills.

Also you should be able to find like minded entrepreneurs in Internet spaces like:

https://www.hubaustralia.com/locations/melbourne/hub-collins-street/
https://www.hubaustralia.com/locations/melbourne/hub-southern-cross/

Worth a try at any rate.
 

NewManRising

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I've been alone most of my adult life. So, I am a little bit used to it. I basically experienced what you did. All friends were losers holding me back and I decided to walk my own path. I am not really all that lonely. At times I do feel like it.

One thing that has helped me is to just be out in the world. I meet people by chance. If you decide to force relationships out of desperation you end up with poor quality relationships. I wouldn't focus so hard on friends you have to nix your neediness for it.

These days I am pretty simple and look for simple people. I have a few particular interests and needs and seek to find others like this.

Create your own meet up group. Or go to places where your type of people are at. Since I am a little older I noticed that it is in my best interest to be more tribal. I've spent too much time in wrong crowds, people with different views, different goals, etc, and it has only held me down and/or made me uncomfortable.
 

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I thought I would let the relationships naturally fade out by cutting back on communication with them. What I found was that they essentially disappeared, which was disappointing (they gave no effort or interest in me) but at the same time a relief (I was correct).
They're probably thinking the same thing about you.

I have seen people suggest meetup.com and things like that but I always see guru looking courses being pushed on there that lead to selling tickets to the next course etc.
Meetup.com has some good business / entrepreneur groups, but be weary. Meetup business groups are also full of multi level marketers. People you've never known before suddenly want to be your friend and want your phone number. But, I am sure there are good eggs in there to be befriended... Just keep your radar up.
 
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JWM

JWM

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I guess it depends on what you mean by you and me. What level of entrepreneurship you are envisioning.

If Meetup is too 'suit and tie networking' orientated for you then how about trying Hackerspace Melbourne. There will be some hobbyists there for sure but also inventor's, entrepreneurs etc. looking at creating a product for market. As an engineer I would have thought you would fit in well and it is a good environment to broaden your circle of friends as well as gain access to people with complimentary skills.

Also you should be able to find like minded entrepreneurs in Internet spaces like:

https://www.hubaustralia.com/locations/melbourne/hub-collins-street/
https://www.hubaustralia.com/locations/melbourne/hub-southern-cross/

Worth a try at any rate.
Hey thanks for the suggestions, I will absolutely take a look at these. Sounds like a good place to start.

I think I still can't quite out my finger on what it is I'm seeking, but hopefully I'll figure it out through these new avenues
 
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JWM

JWM

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They're probably thinking the same thing about you.
I was the one always the one organising and initiating everything, checking in on them if they had issues all out of genuine interest and concern in them. Even if they did think that, then while it would have pissed me off, it would have reassured me that I made the right decision. Because that attitude would have been unreasonable.

There's a lot more to the situation that could be explained, but they were definitely slack, selfish and ambitionless. All things that I no longer want around me.

And thanks for the opinion of Meetup. I think it's worth a try should something pop up that sparks my interest. I am mostly expecting there to be people trying to sell something.
 
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JWM

JWM

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I've been alone most of my adult life. So, I am a little bit used to it. I basically experienced what you did. All friends were losers holding me back and I decided to walk my own path. I am not really all that lonely. At times I do feel like it.

One thing that has helped me is to just be out in the world. I meet people by chance. If you decide to force relationships out of desperation you end up with poor quality relationships. I wouldn't focus so hard on friends you have to nix your neediness for it.

These days I am pretty simple and look for simple people. I have a few particular interests and needs and seek to find others like this.

Create your own meet up group. Or go to places where your type of people are at. Since I am a little older I noticed that it is in my best interest to be more tribal. I've spent too much time in wrong crowds, people with different views, different goals, etc, and it has only held me down and/or made me uncomfortable.
I really like your reply. It's resonated with me really well. Being tribal, having a tight knit circle of people with similar, strong fundamental values and qualities.

I have thought about bringing people into my circle to be a lifelong process. I lean more towards the introverted side and it can take a long time to open up and be completely comfortable with people.

I'm not necessarily looking for a quick fix. But to increase my chances of finding the right people by seeking an ideal environment.
 

NewManRising

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I really like your reply. It's resonated with me really well. Being tribal, having a tight knit circle of people with similar, strong fundamental values and qualities.

I have thought about bringing people into my circle to be a lifelong process. I lean more towards the introverted side and it can take a long time to open up and be completely comfortable with people.

I'm not necessarily looking for a quick fix. But to increase my chances of finding the right people by seeking an ideal environment.
Once again, sounds like you're similar to me. I have a hard time meeting/opening up to new people.

Being tribal can really help you. In my opinion, it's where you will grow the most as well as have the best support. You just have to define what that looks and feels like. And like business, have the idea/vision and put it out into the world and people will come.

Alternatively, as you mature and know what it is you want, clicking with the right people will become intuitive.

Kind of in a weird way I see society as a big dysfunctional family. There are a lot of bad influences and bad people. What really helps you succeed is using the right kinds of skills to stay healthy in this "environment". Defined goals, values, taking impactful actions, seeking to position yourself in a different power structure, etc, is all insights and knowledge you will need. Unfortunately, for a lot of people they do not have these skills and insights so they will never succeed much.

A couple questions I always ask myself before taking an action or making a choice:

1. Will this take away some of my freedom?
2. Will this affect my wealth?
3. Does this help position me in a better power structure (important for relationships and business)?. I think too many people give away all their power and are not even aware of it.
4. Does this person provide value to me (as you think of your friends and other relationships, you might notice that many of those people don't)? Some people just suck time, money and energy from you. These are the people you need to cut from yourself, even if they are family.
5. Does this action move me toward my big goals?

There are better rewards for the leaders in society. Right away, you have to determine if you are a follower or leader. Way more people prefer to be a follower (fear, lack of knowledge, false beliefs about who they are and what they are capable of, etc, are reasons).

The thing about being a leader is that if you have the right cause or vision, it is very likely others want it too. But, no one steps up. So, if you have a business idea, want certain friends, or there is a change you want to see, be the person to step up and people will almost always follow you.
 
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JWM

JWM

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Once again, sounds like you're similar to me. I have a hard time meeting/opening up to new people.

Being tribal can really help you. In my opinion, it's where you will grow the most as well as have the best support. You just have to define what that looks and feels like. And like business, have the idea/vision and put it out into the world and people will come.

Alternatively, as you mature and know what it is you want, clicking with the right people will become intuitive.

Kind of in a weird way I see society as a big dysfunctional family. There are a lot of bad influences and bad people. What really helps you succeed is using the right kinds of skills to stay healthy in this "environment". Defined goals, values, taking impactful actions, seeking to position yourself in a different power structure, etc, is all insights and knowledge you will need. Unfortunately, for a lot of people they do not have these skills and insights so they will never succeed much.

A couple questions I always ask myself before taking an action or making a choice:

1. Will this take away some of my freedom?
2. Will this affect my wealth?
3. Does this help position me in a better power structure (important for relationships and business)?. I think too many people give away all their power and are not even aware of it.
4. Does this person provide value to me (as you think of your friends and other relationships, you might notice that many of those people don't)? Some people just suck time, money and energy from you. These are the people you need to cut from yourself, even if they are family.
5. Does this action move me toward my big goals?

There are better rewards for the leaders in society. Right away, you have to determine if you are a follower or leader. Way more people prefer to be a follower (fear, lack of knowledge, false beliefs about who they are and what they are capable of, etc, are reasons).

The thing about being a leader is that if you have the right cause or vision, it is very likely others want it too. But, no one steps up. So, if you have a business idea, want certain friends, or there is a change you want to see, be the person to step up and people will almost always follow you.
This is brilliant. I can't put into words how much your post has clicked in my mind and fits with my ideas, it makes so much sense. Sorry that I can't contribute more constructively to this, you really got me with this post. It's like you've just written out the perfect game plan for me.

Thanks for putting in the effort to write this up, I really appreciate it.
 

NC Bidniss

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I'm not much of a writer, so I hope this flows nicely and is easy to read, bear with me as I start practicing.

Over the last 6-8 months I have found myself in a position where I have basically said good bye to most of my "friends", the dead weight in my life.

This is part of a larger picture that I will write about for the forum another time, but this particular component has come with a good and bad side that I want to discuss and even gain some advice.

I've mentioned before that TMF and UNSCRIPTED were the answer to how I feeling about the way my life was playing out as a day to day engineer, I wanted something bigger and better but couldn't find where to start. They have been a catalyst for my mindset development.

A part of that mindset development was identifying those around me who's lifestyles and personalities clashed with my newly developing one. They enjoyed heavy drinking on weekends, gaming in their spare time, poor lifestyle/health choices, general wasting time nonsense, things I wasn't really interested in. Not to mention they had no belief in what I was doing, or were jealous that I was taking the leap.

I thought I would let the relationships naturally fade out by cutting back on communication with them. What I found was that they essentially disappeared, which was disappointing (they gave no effort or interest in me) but at the same time a relief (I was correct).

I currently have a small circle of good quality people in my life, but I'm also feeling a little isolated which I'm beginning to think is affecting my happiness. I need to fill the void of those friends that are out of my life with people on a similar journey and have the same mindset as me. That's where my trouble start.

How do I even begin to find people the same as you and me on a social level, not just a business networking level?

I have seen people suggest meetup.com and things like that but I always see guru looking courses being pushed on there that lead to selling tickets to the next course etc.

Does anyone out there have any advice? Have you or are you experiencing something similar?
Join some organizations locally. One that I am a member of, which has chapters all over the country, is the Jaycees (Junior Chamber of Commerce). Everyone there is a young professional trying to go above and beyond to better themselves and their community. While you won't likely find many entrepreneurs here, it is a good place to start branching out to good people. Also, it's not a bad idea to join your local chamber of commerce.

There are also interest groups. Like tennis? There's probably a tennis club in your town. Ride a motorcycle? There's probably a group that gets together to ride every few weeks. Finding those groups that revolve around a common goal or common activity is a good way to seek out new friends that aren't consumed by the "party culture".
 

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I'm not much of a writer, so I hope this flows nicely and is easy to read, bear with me as I start practicing.

Over the last 6-8 months I have found myself in a position where I have basically said good bye to most of my "friends", the dead weight in my life.

This is part of a larger picture that I will write about for the forum another time, but this particular component has come with a good and bad side that I want to discuss and even gain some advice.

I've mentioned before that TMF and UNSCRIPTED were the answer to how I feeling about the way my life was playing out as a day to day engineer, I wanted something bigger and better but couldn't find where to start. They have been a catalyst for my mindset development.

A part of that mindset development was identifying those around me who's lifestyles and personalities clashed with my newly developing one. They enjoyed heavy drinking on weekends, gaming in their spare time, poor lifestyle/health choices, general wasting time nonsense, things I wasn't really interested in. Not to mention they had no belief in what I was doing, or were jealous that I was taking the leap.

I thought I would let the relationships naturally fade out by cutting back on communication with them. What I found was that they essentially disappeared, which was disappointing (they gave no effort or interest in me) but at the same time a relief (I was correct).

I currently have a small circle of good quality people in my life, but I'm also feeling a little isolated which I'm beginning to think is affecting my happiness. I need to fill the void of those friends that are out of my life with people on a similar journey and have the same mindset as me. That's where my trouble start.

How do I even begin to find people the same as you and me on a social level, not just a business networking level?

I have seen people suggest meetup.com and things like that but I always see guru looking courses being pushed on there that lead to selling tickets to the next course etc.

Does anyone out there have any advice? Have you or are you experiencing something similar?
Good for you. You've just identified the real reason why many people fail. As they become successful, they don't fit into their old crowd. Everyone around them makes fun of them or shuns them. There's some real social pressure to keep you in your place. Water finds its own level, and so will you. Keep on going. The transitional phases between success planes are painful and lonely. You no longer fit into where you were, but you haven't made the grade yet to fit into the next phase. Prove yourself. You'll find the people who inhabit that next success space. It's a rare and exciting group of people at the top of the heap. Very few people make even part of that journey before they quit.
 

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MJ DeMarco

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I'm not much of a writer, so I hope this flows nicely and is easy to read, bear with me as I start practicing.
You are a fantastic writer. Don't worry about it.

How do I even begin to find people the same as you and me on a social level, not just a business networking level?
A good reason why I created this forum ... we're all on the same journey and it can be terribly lonely. At lot of IRL relationships have been forged here at the forum so this a great start.

Everyone had good suggestions.

However I will say this, as you start making progress toward what you want in life, you will start attracting better people in your life. And by better, I don't mean money-- but people who are supportive, inspiring, and living life, not letting life live them. An engineer with a great job can be just as supportive as an entrepreneur with a great business.
 
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JWM

JWM

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Join some organizations locally. One that I am a member of, which has chapters all over the country, is the Jaycees (Junior Chamber of Commerce). Everyone there is a young professional trying to go above and beyond to better themselves and their community. While you won't likely find many entrepreneurs here, it is a good place to start branching out to good people. Also, it's not a bad idea to join your local chamber of commerce.

There are also interest groups. Like tennis? There's probably a tennis club in your town. Ride a motorcycle? There's probably a group that gets together to ride every few weeks. Finding those groups that revolve around a common goal or common activity is a good way to seek out new friends that aren't consumed by the "party culture".
Thanks for the suggestions. I looked up my local jaycees and it looks interesting. I will likely get in touch with them to find out more.

As for other groups, that's something I will have to go and figure out, but it's a start as I hadn't even thought about it.
 
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JWM

JWM

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Good for you. You've just identified the real reason why many people fail. As they become successful, they don't fit into their old crowd. Everyone around them makes fun of them or shuns them. There's some real social pressure to keep you in your place. Water finds its own level, and so will you. Keep on going. The transitional phases between success planes are painful and lonely. You no longer fit into where you were, but you haven't made the grade yet to fit into the next phase. Prove yourself. You'll find the people who inhabit that next success space. It's a rare and exciting group of people at the top of the heap. Very few people make even part of that journey before they quit.
Thanks for the reply. It's good to hear from someone else that what I am doing is contributing positively to where I am going. I guess for me I'm thinking more about the now because there are so many changes happening and not thinking as much about the end game and what comes with it.
 
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JWM

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Thanks for the reply @MJ DeMarco , I appreciate it.

At lot of IRL relationships have been forged here at the forum so this a great start
I hope something like this can be developed during my time on the forum.

And by better, I don't mean money
This is exactly what I mean. It's not about people with money, that would be for the wrong reason. People who are supportive and inspiring, living and loving life are the ones I want to surround myself with, people with ambition and drive. These people seem to be elusive, at least in my experience. To be able to bounce all that energy back and forth and feed of off that positivity I think is a key factor in achieving success.
 

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You could try Meetup.com for their hiking groups or cooking groups or things like that, where there will be a wide range of people. As MJ states, as you go forward, you will be naturally in sync with those of like mind who are going for things in life.
 
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I am in a similar situation, the people I hang around with bullied me heavily when I was younger and in high school, I got bullied in primary school as well and this has given me phycological issues all through adulthood. I can't hang around this group of people anymore as I feel I can't be myself, whenever I push outside the box I've been squared in by them and grow I get shoved back down.

People generally feel uncomfortable when they see your changing, don't like it and want everything the same as it has always been. Unconsciously people do this. If you grow and are different they will see that as faking or not being yourself which is bullshit as I am no longer who I was.
 

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I did the same thing, and it was a good thing too because my highschool 'friends' ended up as worthless drug addicts.
 

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I moved across the country, met up with an entrepreneur and started fresh. Ditched the "dead weight" of friends I had where I grew up. Nice people, just not what I wanted to be, or who I wanted to be around. Mostly hung out with him and one other person. Through him, I met several other very successful entrepreneurs. A good place to meet successful people are nice bars, like at a high-end restaurant. We often frequented these kinds of bars and he would always point out some of the really successful people. They're there. And if you're genuine, you can befriend one. Once you meet one and they let you in, you'll meet more.
 

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Additionally you can attend business networking events to meet people on the same path. The energy of success and positivity at many of these events is contagious.
 

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Additionally you can attend business networking events to meet people on the same path. The energy of success and positivity at many of these events is contagious.
Personally, I find that stuff to be a waste of time. You get a bunch of "business professionals" who are all "networking". The problem is no one is really genuine. Everyone is in it for themselves, they are trying to marketing themselves and sure, meet new people... in hopes of getting referrals or business.

Plus, from my experience, and I have gone to many events like this, no real successful entrepreneurs go to these.
 

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Personally, I find that stuff to be a waste of time. You get a bunch of "business professionals" who are all "networking". The problem is no one is really genuine. Everyone is in it for themselves, they are trying to marketing themselves and sure, meet new people... in hopes of getting referrals or business.

Plus, from my experience, and I have gone to many events like this, no real successful entrepreneurs go to these.
What do successful entrepreneurs go to?
 

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Open networking events or meetups involving instruction of some kind feature the opportunity to make very solid connections. If your experience differs, that's cool. I wouldn't recommend "referral" networking groups however.
 
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Making friends.. takes years. Connecting with people, enjoying their company, and being enjoyed? I can do that in a month. If you’re an introvert you’re only going to need a few. If you’re an extrovert you’re gonna hafta put some work in.

I have an inner circle of six extremely close friends who pray for me and encourage me daily. I have a hundred Facebook friends (because I purge my fb relentlessly) who laugh, ask questions, and inspire each other.

Over the years I’ve learned that finding cool ppl is as easy as joining a bunch of groups (I once went to four completely separate coffee get togethers/bible studies/business meetings a week for a year. Right now I belong to and am active on two forums, six fb groups, and one Skype group) and then looking for the people in those groups who I can love, enjoy, bless, serve, or give to.

I don’t think I’m imagining things when I get on this forum and feel liked or supported. Zuckerberg figured out a concept and monetized it. People like people who like them, for real.

Still, if I didn’t believe in God I would feel incredibly lonely because for all the amazing ppl in my life.. no one knows my whole heart. How could they? They haven’t gone through what I have. My inner circle of friends are committed to supporting each other though and that’s priceless. I value loyalty above all else.

Humans are created to connect, find intimacy, be loved. But no human being can offer that at the level God can, or does.

Now that I’ve gone all deep and stuff let me make a point that’s a little easier to apply.

Since joining this forum and reading tons of threads I’ve found a handful of people on here whom I really, really enjoy. I find myself laughing at their jokes, rolling my eyes and smirking when they’re snarky, giggling when they rant or being humbled by their honesty but ABOVE ALL wishing that I could encourage them even a fraction of the amount that they have helped me. The ambition, determination and honesty shared on this forum is inspiring. Don’t respond with specific names but have you found a handful here? Do you pay attention to those ppl? Pray for them? (If you pray, I mean) Ask them questions. Give them encouragement. At the very least, make them laugh or like their posts.

My suggestion is to go join groups in real life and online where you can learn... anything. You’re looking for leaders because you want to be one, because you already are one. Don’t look for people to love you. Look for people who you admire and love on them.

If every person who was active on this forum in the last month all met up in a big room for drinks who would you want to buy a drink for? Who would you want to sit next to?
 

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What do successful entrepreneurs go to?
Open networking events or meetups involving instruction of some kind feature the opportunity to make very solid connections. If your experience differs, that's cool. I wouldn't recommend "referral" networking groups however.
From my experience, bars, golf courses/country clubs, car shows, cigar lounges, etc.
It depends on what you're looking to do. If you want to try and do "a deal" with someone, maybe those meetups work if you can find the right one? I've never had any luck, and not many people I know go to them. If you do find successful people there, you're just another guy competing for their attention amongst 30 people just like you.

If you want to build a circle of real successful people, people you can learn from, people who can help you and actually care to help you, you have to go to places to see them often and build a relationship, something more casual. If you mingle with them at a bar once a week over the course of a month or two, you can build a nice relationship. Sitting down with someone at a cigar lounge can be a nice way to learn about them. You can build trust, maybe they invite you in and that leads to meeting more people. Plus, you're not just another person trying to do business with them.

To each their own, I've never had luck at meetups. Too much going on, hard to build relationships at them.
 

deepestblue

Bronze Contributor
Read Millionaire Fastlane
Jun 11, 2011
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Arizona
Agreed with the sentiments in the previous post re: the overall approach to meeting people. In my experience no matter the venue or event, connecting isn't about supplication from either party but more about shooting the shit and meeting people that you vibe with organically.
 
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