Fiance is calling my business "his/our" business, threatening to sue me

[WJK]

You gave up a lot for this man. Now what? Are you ready to walk away?

 

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[legaljanie]

One of the things that Kung Fu steve mentioned is that no one can do this for me and I have to find my own internal motivation. I spent a lot of today going through videos from people who have 'been there and done that'.

Here's what is confusing to me. In some cases...he is so kind and so supportive. For example, today I asked him if he knew anyone at xyz business...to hook me up with a job opportunity there. He immediately jumped in and tried to help. He even said that if I got that job...we could move closer to it... 10000% opposite of what he's told me before...

And btw this 'job' would be to help me interally fund my new business...if the investors don't come through.

I just wonder why sometimes he's nice...sometimes he is HORRIBLE.

And yes...I'm ready. I'm working up the strength and the exit plan...and doing positive affirmations to help me get through these days.....

You gave up a lot for this man. Now what? Are you ready to walk away?

 

[WJK]

One of the things that Kung Fu steve mentioned is that no one can do this for me and I have to find my own internal motivation. I spent a lot of today going through videos from people who have 'been there and done that'.

Here's what is confusing to me. In some cases...he is so kind and so supportive. For example, today I asked him if he knew anyone at xyz business...to hook me up with a job opportunity there. He immediately jumped in and tried to help. He even said that if I got that job...we could move closer to it... 10000% opposite of what he's told me before...

And btw this 'job' would be to help me interally fund my new business...if the investors don't come through.

I just wonder why sometimes he's nice...sometimes he is HORRIBLE.

And yes...I'm ready. I'm working up the strength and the exit plan...and doing positive affirmations to help me get through these days.....

The hot/cold behavior is meant to disarm you... to control you... That behavior is self-serving. He has some classic patterns... like you giving up your life for him...
People only do what has worked in the past. I sure he has some charming ways that he uses to get his hooks into people. And his ways must include some well-practiced lines that he always throws out.
Stand outside of the circle for a bit and look at him with new eyes. What if he was doing all of this to your sister? What would say then? Would you want to protect her?

 

[JAJT]

I just wonder why sometimes he's nice...sometimes he is HORRIBLE.

This is how many abusive or just "bad" relationships go.

Get drunk, beat her, wake up, make her breakfast, blow her a kiss, call her to apologize at lunch, come home, beat her...

(beating was just an example, could be put downs, being a jerk, ignoring, gaslighting, whatever...)

I'd agree that if you already go to therapy, you should bring this up there and really start focusing in on all the things you've brought up here. If it's couples therapy you should really try going solo to say all the things you can't say with him in the room.

It sounds like you just want someone to make up your mind for you. Even though you acknowledge that it's "on you", it doesn't sound like you really believe that - you want a coach or mentor or therapist or someone to look at your example and tell you what to do. And it kind of sounds like you're looking for one to not only tell you what to do, but agree with you at the same time.

Consider that the reason it's so easy for strangers to give hard advice to any situation is because we lack emotional investment in the situation. You have a million feelings pulling you in every direction, and strangers do not. You say he's a jerk - we say leave. It's an easy equation for a stranger to solve. All your pull-backs and excuses and justifications are just your emotions trying to prevent you from being hurt by the difficult situation you are faced with.

Usually when someone gives the right, but hard, answer - the go-to excuse is 'you don't understand'. You hate your job? Well then leave it and find another - "oh, but you don't understand". My boyfriend is an a**hole - well leave them and find another - "oh, but you don't understand". My mother is stealing from me and screwed up my credit - well move and cut ties with her - "oh, but you don't understand". My employer isn't paying me what I'm legally owed - well get a lawyer - "oh you don't understand". Every bad situation always has that "oh you don't understand" line from the victim and that's just pure emotion clouding you from making that decision that everyone else sees clear as day.

This is also why victims (or just people in bad places) can never seem to tell the story "right". They always go on and on and on but for some reason nobody else relates to it, they just keep seeing that easy choice and it must be because you aren't telling it right, they don't understand, there's more to it than you're saying and you just can't say it right.... it's all nonsense. You're emotionally invested and every fiber of your being pulls you away from the hard choices to protect you from the extremely unpleasant change you don't want to make.

Most victims would rather live with the discomfort they know vs the discomfort they don't. People who get beaten at least know what being beaten is like - but who knows what will happen if they try to leave! So they take the beatings they know over the unknown future that seems scarier. The good times cloud the bad. They find all the good that they'll leave behind and cling to it, no matter how dimly lit is it.

Don't leave anyone because strangers on the internet told you to - but you should really consider if any of what I said applies to you and think long and hard about it. If you want someone to be sensitive to your feelings - talk to your therapist about it, or find a new one to get "fresh eyes" on the situation. A life coach is not going to be sensitive, they are going to be cold and direct (like many of us are/were). Therapists try to work through your feelings, coaches make hard and fast calls easily to get your shit together. Ultimately though, as everyone has said - it's up to you, not them.

 

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[Kung Fu Steve]

This is how many abusive or just "bad" relationships go.

Get drunk, beat her, wake up, make her breakfast, blow her a kiss, call her to apologize at lunch, come home, beat her...

(beating was just an example, could be put downs, being a jerk, ignoring, gaslighting, whatever...)

I'd agree that if you already go to therapy, you should bring this up there and really start focusing in on all the things you've brought up here. If it's couples therapy you should really try going solo to say all the things you can't say with him in the room.

It sounds like you just want someone to make up your mind for you. Even though you acknowledge that it's "on you", it doesn't sound like you really believe that - you want a coach or mentor or therapist or someone to look at your example and tell you what to do. And it kind of sounds like you're looking for one to not only tell you what to do, but agree with you at the same time.

Consider that the reason it's so easy for strangers to give hard advice to any situation is because we lack emotional investment in the situation. You have a million feelings pulling you in every direction, and strangers do not. You say he's a jerk - we say leave. It's an easy equation for a stranger to solve. All your pull-backs and excuses and justifications are just your emotions trying to prevent you from being hurt by the difficult situation you are faced with.

Usually when someone gives the right, but hard, answer - the go-to excuse is 'you don't understand'. You hate your job? Well then leave it and find another - "oh, but you don't understand". My boyfriend is an a**hole - well leave them and find another - "oh, but you don't understand". My mother is stealing from me and screwed up my credit - well move and cut ties with her - "oh, but you don't understand". My employer isn't paying me what I'm legally owed - well get a lawyer - "oh you don't understand". Every bad situation always has that "oh you don't understand" line from the victim and that's just pure emotion clouding you from making that decision that everyone else sees clear as day.

This is also why victims (or just people in bad places) can never seem to tell the story "right". They always go on and on and on but for some reason nobody else relates to it, they just keep seeing that easy choice and it must be because you aren't telling it right, they don't understand, there's more to it than you're saying and you just can't say it right.... it's all nonsense. You're emotionally invested and every fiber of your being pulls you away from the hard choices to protect you from the extremely unpleasant change you don't want to make.

Most victims would rather live with the discomfort they know vs the discomfort they don't. People who get beaten at least know what being beaten is like - but who knows what will happen if they try to leave! So they take the beatings they know over the unknown future that seems scarier. The good times cloud the bad. They find all the good that they'll leave behind and cling to it, no matter how dimly lit is it.

Don't leave anyone because strangers on the internet told you to - but you should really consider if any of what I said applies to you and think long and hard about it. If you want someone to be sensitive to your feelings - talk to your therapist about it, or find a new one to get "fresh eyes" on the situation. A life coach is not going to be sensitive, they are going to be cold and direct (like many of us are/were). Therapists try to work through your feelings, coaches make hard and fast calls easily to get your sh*t together. Ultimately though, as everyone has said - it's up to you, not them.

Well said

 

[aikay77]

Run girl, RUN from the MF.

He is NOT supportive and if you know what's best for you, you'll give him a wide berth, and make him a EX-LOVER, otherwise, he may not only kill your dream, he might even KILL YOU.

Don't be afraid to leave his a$$. Cut him loose. Let him start a competing company, I bet he won't be able to pull it off. People like that are all noise, no action.

You can always find someone in the same profession to pay for advice at hourly rates.

And please, DO NOT give him any EQUITY. DO NOT DO IT.

Also talk to a lawyer.

Godspeed.

 

[missNB]

This thread is so confusing!
What is it you want @legaljanie ?
Sometimes clarifying what you want makes all the difference. If you want some pragmatic advise, maybe make a list of what you actually want, and people will have an easier time suggesting what you can do to get it.
But then again, maybe suggestions for actions are not what you're after...

 

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[thecocopod]

You should probably ask a legal person about your situation. My advice would be to consider him your ex-fiancee.

I started a business early this year and my partner was not supportive. It was a software platform that helped in his area of business. He is a doctor.

So i suggested he might be willing to help me market it and sell it. He said no. He was very rude and said he would never be “my bitch”.

So i got it off the ground myself and got very lucky to find an investor for a small portion. That was when my fiance got interested. He then he started giving advice. He offered valuable information and it helped me and my investor/developer. But then he began demanding to be in meetings w my developer. He said it was OUR business. (The legal documents only list me and i did that on purpose).

He became threatening and during arguments said he COULD sue me after the fight he would say he would never do that, but I should be aware that he COULd.

My developer/investor (one in the same) backed out and said that it was mainly because of my fiance. He felt that I should have told him more about our level of romantic involvement up front and that he was not comfortable with the fact that HE noticed my fiance positioning himself as part owner of the company. He is gone. He said NO MORE. My fiance blamed me and suggested that I went to him and secretly told him that he was threatening to sue...and that scared him off. But that's not the case. I never said a word, because I knew that would have been a red flag.

Well i started getting meetings for NEW investors. I took him to the first meeting and he explained why it was so good in his area of expertise. He took over the meeting and then later told me that no one would invest because i looked pissed off and i look like drama.

They did ask who owns the business and i said i do.

Fortunately i got a second meeting. I asked who they wanted at that meeting. They said it was just an intro meeting to more investors so just me was fine.

My partner went batshit crazy. I got that text about 45 minutes before and i told him it was ok. He was going to drive with me anyway downtown. He could just drop me off like he always does.

He was mad. Very mad. He said that i am showing my true colors. And they aren’t pretty. That I only praise the almighty God of money. I don’t respect him or the relationship. That I am money hungry and he thinks I will leave him once i get the funding. He said he will no longer help me. And he may even cancel some of the things he already did for me.

He said i should have mandated that he is in the meeting because we are a team. (Which he says i don’t understand the definition of) Ans he screamed and yelled at me until he dropped me.

He said “guarantee you fail”. I said wow. Thanks. He said that i can’t explain like he can in his area of expertise and that I make mistakes.

He said “good luck cause this is going to need every ounce”.

I went in. I was flustered but i did ok. I got a third meeting.

When i came out he just kept yelling. Said he won’t help me anymore. And that since i won’t put his name on the company it looks really bad. That anyone with 2 cents would know that I didn’t accomplish this myself. (Since he has expertise in the field that my software serves)

He said life with me is not fun. That all i do is argue. (He was the one arguing!) and that i should make a decision because he’s so sick of my behavior.

I had always said why do you need your name on legal docs when we are supposed to be married? He said great. Now you are blackmailing me into marrying you? Either you marry me or you get nothing?!

I just happened to look at an email on his phone today that he sent to a colleague of his == trying to help "me" get into a new sector. The problem is this email -- he tells this "friend" of BOTH of ours -- that WE started this business together and that WE are doing outreach. He says it's "OUR" business.

So it's clear...that he is indeed positioning himself as partner or co founder....and my investor/developer was right. He is trying to state that it's "his" business too.

What would you do? He feels he has helped so much...and that while I paid him 1k a month as a consultant...it's not enough for him...

I asked him how much equity he wants. he wouldn't commit. I said 3%? 5%? He said no....and he wouldn't sign an NDA or any documents that prevent him future ownership.

I started a business early this year and my partner was not supportive. It was a software platform that helped in his area of business. He is a doctor.

So i suggested he might be willing to help me market it and sell it. He said no. He was very rude and said he would never be “my bitch”.

So i got it off the ground myself and got very lucky to find an investor for a small portion. That was when my fiance got interested. He then he started giving advice. He offered valuable information and it helped me and my investor/developer. But then he began demanding to be in meetings w my developer. He said it was OUR business. (The legal documents only list me and i did that on purpose).

He became threatening and during arguments said he COULD sue me after the fight he would say he would never do that, but I should be aware that he COULd.

My developer/investor (one in the same) backed out and said that it was mainly because of my fiance. He felt that I should have told him more about our level of romantic involvement up front and that he was not comfortable with the fact that HE noticed my fiance positioning himself as part owner of the company. He is gone. He said NO MORE. My fiance blamed me and suggested that I went to him and secretly told him that he was threatening to sue...and that scared him off. But that's not the case. I never said a word, because I knew that would have been a red flag.

Well i started getting meetings for NEW investors. I took him to the first meeting and he explained why it was so good in his area of expertise. He took over the meeting and then later told me that no one would invest because i looked pissed off and i look like drama.

They did ask who owns the business and i said i do.

Fortunately i got a second meeting. I asked who they wanted at that meeting. They said it was just an intro meeting to more investors so just me was fine.

My partner went batshit crazy. I got that text about 45 minutes before and i told him it was ok. He was going to drive with me anyway downtown. He could just drop me off like he always does.

He was mad. Very mad. He said that i am showing my true colors. And they aren’t pretty. That I only praise the almighty God of money. I don’t respect him or the relationship. That I am money hungry and he thinks I will leave him once i get the funding. He said he will no longer help me. And he may even cancel some of the things he already did for me.

He said i should have mandated that he is in the meeting because we are a team. (Which he says i don’t understand the definition of) Ans he screamed and yelled at me until he dropped me.

He said “guarantee you fail”. I said wow. Thanks. He said that i can’t explain like he can in his area of expertise and that I make mistakes.

He said “good luck cause this is going to need every ounce”.

I went in. I was flustered but i did ok. I got a third meeting.

When i came out he just kept yelling. Said he won’t help me anymore. And that since i won’t put his name on the company it looks really bad. That anyone with 2 cents would know that I didn’t accomplish this myself. (Since he has expertise in the field that my software serves)

He said life with me is not fun. That all i do is argue. (He was the one arguing!) and that i should make a decision because he’s so sick of my behavior.

I had always said why do you need your name on legal docs when we are supposed to be married? He said great. Now you are blackmailing me into marrying you? Either you marry me or you get nothing?!

I just happened to look at an email on his phone today that he sent to a colleague of his == trying to help "me" get into a new sector. The problem is this email -- he tells this "friend" of BOTH of ours -- that WE started this business together and that WE are doing outreach. He says it's "OUR" business.

So it's clear...that he is indeed positioning himself as partner or co founder....and my investor/developer was right. He is trying to state that it's "his" business too.

What would you do? He feels he has helped so much...and that while I paid him 1k a month as a consultant...it's not enough for him...

I asked him how much equity he wants. he wouldn't commit. I said 3%? 5%? He said no....and he wouldn't sign an NDA or any documents that prevent him future ownership.

My dear woman, you are in an abusive relationship. He's controlling and verbally abusive with the threats. You know what will come after you're married? Most likely physical abuse. You're already showing fear. It isn't business advice you need. It's personal. What the HELL are you still doing with him? This is a sign of how your life together is going to be.

You're offering to give him part of your business to be nice!? Are you insane? How much money have you wasted with attorneys so far?

As a fellow woman, and entrepreneur all I can say is break the engagement and the relationship off! RUN! Run as fast as you can away from this loser and continue to grow your business. Do not look back. Do not stay when he appears to soften. Trust me. Been there. Called the wedding off 3 weeks before the date. Smartest decision I've made.

 

[Dubidu]

1. You already know the answer to this question. Seriously everyone knows the dynamic of the relationship they are in. You can only choose to ignore it.

2. You're not going to leave him because he’s a very good looking…surgeon.. I'm sure you enjoy all the drama because you already know about his past but you're still together.

3. You don't really care about this business and your investor/developer saw right through you. You only came to this forum to bitch about your fiance because your bestie would not understand the context to your drama that so happens to involve a business twist.

4. Finally do everyone a favor and tell us what business it is so a real entrepeneur on this forum can start working on it and actually get it done.

Yikes! That is brutal and the lady deserves at least some understanding. I've never been in a horrible relationship but I have known people who get tangled with people they should run a mile from. There's all sorts of psychological theories as to why we stay with people who are no good for us. However, you have made a hyperbolic leap (she's no good in either business or personal matters neither of which you know for a fact). She is clearly the one who has identified an opportunity - once she gives herself some headspace on the personal front there is no reason why she (rather than, presumably you(?) on the forum), can't turn it into a success. I find the occasional judgemental tone of some of the posters on here quite alarming and this is one of them. Have some heart and be grateful it's not you going through something awful.

In reply to @legaljanie - life is too short to be with someone who doesn't see your value and based on the limited information you have provided here I would suggest you work on your self-esteem and why you are willing to put up with a guy who doesn't appear to value you much as a human being never mind someone to whom he intends to be married. There are multiple red flags as others have pointed out. Work on yourself and try to extricate yourself from this relationship as quickly and efficiently as possible; if the idea is sound it will still work without his so-called input. For all his posturing, if the US is anything like the UK (I am aware it is federal/state legal system as opposed to a common law one), many people threaten to sue others but rarely does it get anywhere once the facts are examined by an impartial judge. If he's already verging on bankruptcy he would unlikely have enough to fund such an action in the first place so I suspect it's an empty threat. Get out of this relationship ASAP, find the support network you need and assume that he is not going to let you go easily based on his control-freakery thus far. Make sure you have somewhere safe to get away from him and make your concerns about his behaviour known to the authorities if you feel under any kind of threat. I wish you lots of luck and hope you will update us with good news in due course x

 

[Dubidu]

I dont agree here. You have to understand I was asking him to go into business with me...launch it with me...it would be "our business". He would co-sign for a line of credit and we would do this together.

His response was that I will fail. That he won't EVER be my bitch or sell anything FOR me. He isn't like that...and it will never work and I should stick to my day job.

That's when I got the investor/developer and that's when I chose to leave him out.

I should say the formation lawyers heard my concerns about him threatening to sue me for trying to help me or offer advice. So, they suggested making him a paid consultant to establish his role in the beginning of the company....

I find this advice questionable even allowing for the differences in legal systems. There appears to be no formal contract, you asked him for help and he basically said no (so there is no oral/verbal contract/agreement either on which he could rely and there is minimal circumstantial evidence of his substantive involvement in the business so far) and the rest appears to be him undermining your confidence/belief in yourself in deeply worrying ways. Their suggestion that you make him a formal consultant and paying him would certainly give him more credence to eventually sue you in some capacity and only entwine you further in this deeply unhealthy relationship - and I mean that both professionally (I would never partner up with someone for my ideas who exhibited those kinds of tendencies!) or personally.

 

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[ZCP]

@legaljanie is a strong woman. She will take charge and do what needs to be done. I believe in you, @legaljanie . Get it done! Whether you lose this relationship, this business, or whatever comes from it .... you will gain your self. Do it. We are all cheering for you.

 

[Roli]

He’s been married twice before…left his first wife while she was pregnant with their third child (for the neighbor)….



I didn’t know this until I was already engaged and living with him. \

This is all anyone needs to know about this guy...

There are 2 types of advice:

Hey I really need advice on this one.

Or

Can you confirm what I'm already thinking please?

I hope for your sake it's the second type, and what you're thinking is, 'I should leave this loser now, before it's too late'.

Leave now or get pregnant and regret it forever.

Then you need to work on your self esteem, because with a high regard of yourself there is no way you'll ever let someone like this into your life again.

LEAVE!

 

[Roli]

Here's what is confusing to me. In some cases...he is so kind and so supportive.

I just wonder why sometimes he's nice...sometimes he is HORRIBLE.
..

Stop wondering, it's called abuse. In your case it is mental, but as others have said it could be physical, and may even turn into that.

10 Things Women Suffering From An Emotionally Abusive Relationship Want You To Know

 

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[legaljanie]

Thanks so much for everyone who has posted today. Sorry I missed these and I appreciate each and every response.

I have thought long and hard as one of the earlier posters said....about the excuses I make for him. I make a million excuses. And it's true the fear of the unknown seems to be greater than the pain of staying.

There are so many good things that I could have ...if I just sprung out. WHY I can't seem to do it today -- or tomorrow -- seems to be a mystery to me.

I am a fighter. I am strong enough and I know I have the drive to be okay without him.

I made a plan last night. I'm going to use the next 7 days to get all of my papers in order and everything ready. I will leave him....but I know from past experience...I must disappear. I cant tell him or he will beg and plead or the drama will make me stay....when he cries....I break down.

I called a lawyer today to see if I could possibly get a protective order -- that way I can use it as evidence as well -- if I ever need it for a questioning investor etc.

I'm going to do it... but I am TERRIFIED. no question. I should feel good. But, I feel the sadness in my stomach and I haven't even left yet. It's the fear of being alone and the fear of not having anyone else... I know it's stupid.

I'm not getting any younger and I don't see this getting any better. He's been married 2 times before....so I doubt the third (given our history) is going to be the lucky charm.

Stop wondering, it's called abuse. In your case it is mental, but as others have said it could be physical, and may even turn into that.

10 Things Women Suffering From An Emotionally Abusive Relationship Want You To Know

 

[MTEE1985]

Thanks so much for everyone who has posted today. Sorry I missed these and I appreciate each and every response.

I have thought long and hard as one of the earlier posters said....about the excuses I make for him. I make a million excuses. And it's true the fear of the unknown seems to be greater than the pain of staying.

There are so many good things that I could have ...if I just sprung out. WHY I can't seem to do it today -- or tomorrow -- seems to be a mystery to me.

I am a fighter. I am strong enough and I know I have the drive to be okay without him.

I made a plan last night. I'm going to use the next 7 days to get all of my papers in order and everything ready. I will leave him....but I know from past experience...I must disappear. I cant tell him or he will beg and plead or the drama will make me stay....when he cries....I break down.

I called a lawyer today to see if I could possibly get a protective order -- that way I can use it as evidence as well -- if I ever need it for a questioning investor etc.

I'm going to do it... but I am TERRIFIED. no question. I should feel good. But, I feel the sadness in my stomach and I haven't even left yet. It's the fear of being alone and the fear of not having anyone else... I know it's stupid.

I'm not getting any younger and I don't see this getting any better. He's been married 2 times before....so I doubt the third (given our history) is going to be the lucky charm.

Good for you. We’re rooting for you and I for one am excited for an update on your business success down the road. You’ve got this.

 

[WJK]

Thanks so much for everyone who has posted today. Sorry I missed these and I appreciate each and every response.

I have thought long and hard as one of the earlier posters said....about the excuses I make for him. I make a million excuses. And it's true the fear of the unknown seems to be greater than the pain of staying.

There are so many good things that I could have ...if I just sprung out. WHY I can't seem to do it today -- or tomorrow -- seems to be a mystery to me.

I am a fighter. I am strong enough and I know I have the drive to be okay without him.

I made a plan last night. I'm going to use the next 7 days to get all of my papers in order and everything ready. I will leave him....but I know from past experience...I must disappear. I cant tell him or he will beg and plead or the drama will make me stay....when he cries....I break down.

I called a lawyer today to see if I could possibly get a protective order -- that way I can use it as evidence as well -- if I ever need it for a questioning investor etc.

I'm going to do it... but I am TERRIFIED. no question. I should feel good. But, I feel the sadness in my stomach and I haven't even left yet. It's the fear of being alone and the fear of not having anyone else... I know it's stupid.

I'm not getting any younger and I don't see this getting any better. He's been married 2 times before....so I doubt the third (given our history) is going to be the lucky charm.

Good for you. Your feelings are normal and natural. Yes, it will be strange to be alone. You can do it and find comfort in that quiet.
I made it out of that kind of hell -- only it was my father who was the bad guy. Then I helped start a shelter for homeless women and their children in an inner-city setting. I was Chairman of the Board for five years. That was all a long time ago. I have heard thousands of these stories over all of the years. I watched women caught up in these relationships who were injured, murdered or maimed. Like I used to tell the women, "Woman, you're in danger! Get out while you're alive!"
Here, you're in good company. People want to help you, and you can make it out of this hell. You're smart. You're pretty. You're young enough to make a new start. You can do this thing. You have the strength.
Good luck!

 

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[Guest6814]

I started a business early this year and my partner was not supportive. It was a software platform that helped in his area of business. He is a doctor.

So i suggested he might be willing to help me market it and sell it. He said no. He was very rude and said he would never be “my bitch”.

So i got it off the ground myself and got very lucky to find an investor for a small portion. That was when my fiance got interested. He then he started giving advice. He offered valuable information and it helped me and my investor/developer. But then he began demanding to be in meetings w my developer. He said it was OUR business. (The legal documents only list me and i did that on purpose).

He became threatening and during arguments said he COULD sue me after the fight he would say he would never do that, but I should be aware that he COULd.

My developer/investor (one in the same) backed out and said that it was mainly because of my fiance. He felt that I should have told him more about our level of romantic involvement up front and that he was not comfortable with the fact that HE noticed my fiance positioning himself as part owner of the company. He is gone. He said NO MORE. My fiance blamed me and suggested that I went to him and secretly told him that he was threatening to sue...and that scared him off. But that's not the case. I never said a word, because I knew that would have been a red flag.

Well i started getting meetings for NEW investors. I took him to the first meeting and he explained why it was so good in his area of expertise. He took over the meeting and then later told me that no one would invest because i looked pissed off and i look like drama.

They did ask who owns the business and i said i do.

Fortunately i got a second meeting. I asked who they wanted at that meeting. They said it was just an intro meeting to more investors so just me was fine.

My partner went batshit crazy. I got that text about 45 minutes before and i told him it was ok. He was going to drive with me anyway downtown. He could just drop me off like he always does.

He was mad. Very mad. He said that i am showing my true colors. And they aren’t pretty. That I only praise the almighty God of money. I don’t respect him or the relationship. That I am money hungry and he thinks I will leave him once i get the funding. He said he will no longer help me. And he may even cancel some of the things he already did for me.

He said i should have mandated that he is in the meeting because we are a team. (Which he says i don’t understand the definition of) Ans he screamed and yelled at me until he dropped me.

He said “guarantee you fail”. I said wow. Thanks. He said that i can’t explain like he can in his area of expertise and that I make mistakes.

He said “good luck cause this is going to need every ounce”.

I went in. I was flustered but i did ok. I got a third meeting.

When i came out he just kept yelling. Said he won’t help me anymore. And that since i won’t put his name on the company it looks really bad. That anyone with 2 cents would know that I didn’t accomplish this myself. (Since he has expertise in the field that my software serves)

He said life with me is not fun. That all i do is argue. (He was the one arguing!) and that i should make a decision because he’s so sick of my behavior.

I had always said why do you need your name on legal docs when we are supposed to be married? He said great. Now you are blackmailing me into marrying you? Either you marry me or you get nothing?!

I just happened to look at an email on his phone today that he sent to a colleague of his == trying to help "me" get into a new sector. The problem is this email -- he tells this "friend" of BOTH of ours -- that WE started this business together and that WE are doing outreach. He says it's "OUR" business.

So it's clear...that he is indeed positioning himself as partner or co founder....and my investor/developer was right. He is trying to state that it's "his" business too.

What would you do? He feels he has helped so much...and that while I paid him 1k a month as a consultant...it's not enough for him...

I asked him how much equity he wants. he wouldn't commit. I said 3%? 5%? He said no....and he wouldn't sign an NDA or any documents that prevent him future ownership.

Oy vey. Your fiancé is an abusive man. It’s a toxic relationship and doesn’t sound romantic at all. Get out of it. Now. Purdue your business without him. And only accept advice from people who truly want you to succeed. Abusive people do not belong in your life. Find a new partner.

 

[Kak]

I think abuse is a strong word for a guy that’s just a douche. People throw that word around a lot. Mentally taxing and and a**hole yes. Abusive? Really?

 

[AllenCrawley]

I think abuse is a strong word for a guy that’s just a douche. People throw that word around a lot. Mentally taxing and and a**hole yes. Abusive? Really?

Yes, he is abusive.

 

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[million$$$smile]

@legaljanie Two books I would highly recommend:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0767915828/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

There is tremendous insight in recognizing traits in those near you. 1 in 25 people have sociopathic tendencies. Like all of us, they learn to 'adapt' to get what they want. I am not saying your fiance' is sociopathic, but it helps to become aware for your growth in the future.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BBHV97O/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

Lessons to learn on dealing with people, relationships, and those that try to take advantage...

If one is around sick people long enough; they become sick themselves.

Get away.
Get well.
And get strong.

Good luck.

 

[Jimmyy]

Sounds like a low functioning sociopath to me or at the very least a control freak. Either way, go find someone better.

 

[Kak]

Yes, he is abusive.

My apologies if I have offended, @AllenCrawley I have nothing but the upmost respect for you.

Just to let you in on my train of thought. I don't typically assign or encourage victimhood based upon emotionally charged conjecture. @legaljanie hasn't even claimed abuse, just that he's a royal prick and I believe her.

 

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[PoGOOD]

Just one sentence - if you ask for advice and don't do sh*t about it - you become an asKhole

Don't be one. Do what you already know you need to do...

 

[The Autobahn]

I started a business early this year and my partner was not supportive. It was a software platform that helped in his area of business. He is a doctor.

So i suggested he might be willing to help me market it and sell it. He said no. He was very rude and said he would never be “my bitch”.

I stopped there and grabbed a popcorn.. sorry i dont know you personally.
But if you`re married you made a probably a bullrush decision and married him to quick.
Btw the same mistake which i made few years ago..

 

[JAJT]

I think abuse is a strong word for a guy that’s just a douche. People throw that word around a lot. Mentally taxing and and a**hole yes. Abusive? Really?

I don't throw the word around much either - I think today's society has become FAR too emotionally sensitive and coddled.

That being said, I think this crossed the line from "douche" to "abuse" the moment he went from not believing in her (douche) to threatening legal action and trying to trick his way into a good deal when he sees it, and using her feelings as the leverage. That kind of manipulation crosses a line with even the not-so-sensitive crowd (like myself).

But as always, there's three sides to every story - hers, his, and the truth.

Worth noting that while I make my own opinions known based on this story - it's purely based on this story. If I were to meet this guy in real life I'd happily talk to him on the basis of a clean slate. I think it's irresponsible to make any action or judgement based on one side of any story.

I will leave him....but I know from past experience...I must disappear. I cant tell him or he will beg and plead or the drama will make me stay....when he cries....I break down.

I called a lawyer today to see if I could possibly get a protective order -- that way I can use it as evidence as well -- if I ever need it for a questioning investor etc.

Again, again, again - please make sure you are doing this because it's true and what you believe is right. Not because of a bunch of strangers on the internet told you to. People tend to color stories with their emotions and if enough people support it, the story teller is very prone to believing their own embellishments.

We use this psychology as a tool in entrepreneurship and life - but when used positively we call them affirmations, meditation, priming.... when used negatively, you are just believing your own lies and embellishments to disastrous results.

Please take real life seriously.

 

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[legaljanie]

My wires sometimes get crossed because I do understand a bit of his frustration. He is trying to help me and not receiving the “payment” he wants for it.

I get that part. But, He hasn’t quit his job (like i did). He didn’t come up with the idea and he was VERY clear he would not invest or put money into helping me succeed. So, how does one expect to be partners?

He even told me if I get investors and they want him to be the chief med officer for it...and asked him to quit and offer him a salary he would not do it because he would need to see the company succeed first.

So as someone here said...he wants the reward but no risk.

That’s what it comes down to. And the idea that he would be able to share in the profits by us being married (as we WERE discussing) he said that I was trying to “blackmail him to marry me”.

I think it is emotional abuse. He says I’m going to fail. He threatens to email my previous investor (when he was still my current investor) and tell him bad things about me.

He threatens to sue me. Says it’s not REALLY what he will do (after the fight) but I should knkwbhe COULD.

He is a pro at being a bully. He does it in his profession. He does it with people in the hospital and because he is the surgeon people back down.

And last but not least he consistently points out (when I mention I’m busy and stressed with this business) that he is TOO BUT HE ACTUALLY SAVES lives. .

So...yeah... i feel this is emotionally abusive.

I don't throw the word around much either - I think today's society has become FAR too emotionally sensitive and coddled.

That being said, I think this crossed the line from "douche" to "abuse" the moment he went from not believing in her (douche) to threatening legal action and trying to trick his way into a good deal when he sees it, and using her feelings as the leverage. That kind of manipulation crosses a line with even the not-so-sensitive crowd (like myself).

But as always, there's three sides to every story - hers, his, and the truth.

Worth noting that while I make my own opinions known based on this story - it's purely based on this story. If I were to meet this guy in real life I'd happily talk to him on the basis of a clean slate. I think it's irresponsible to make any action or judgement based on one side of any story.



Again, again, again - please make sure you are doing this because it's true and what you believe is right. Not because of a bunch of strangers on the internet told you to. People tend to color stories with their emotions and if enough people support it, the story teller is very prone to believing their own embellishments.

We use this psychology as a tool in entrepreneurship and life - but when used positively we call them affirmations, meditation, priming.... when used negatively, you are just believing your own lies and embellishments to disastrous results.

Please take real life seriously.

 

[AllenCrawley]

So...yeah... i feel this is emotionally abusive.

Has he ever been physically abusive?

 

[legaljanie]

Well no, but sort of. He would often block my exit of the house when I would try to leave during a fight. Once during a fight he tried to get the bag out of my hand. He yanked it and it broke my fingers. I did have to have surgery.

That was over 2 years ago. And no he hasn’t been physically abusive. He still tries to block doors etc. but, he doesn’t hit me. Never has hit me.

Has he ever been physically abusive?

 

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[ZCP]

If your daughter told you that same story about her boyfriend, what would you say?

 

[MTEE1985]

I did have to have surgery.

Hopefully he didn’t perform the surgery.

On a more serious note, he sounds extremely insecure which may well be his reason for becoming a surgeon, so he would feel surperior to those around him. It’s also why he’ll cry like you mentioned if you try to leave him. Not necessarily over losing you (no offense) but because his ego will take a massive hit.

Lastly, do you think his hesitance to assist in the business before it sees success could be the same thing? He doesn’t want to attach his name to it in case it isn’t wildly successful?