Strider
New Contributor
Hello everyone.
Need to vent a bit and maybe get some advice from you older guys. So I'm 19 and in college.
I have been an A/A+ all my life without much effort, I thought I was smart and all. Came to my college (top in my country) to mathematics, I wasn't really that interested (more into the job prospects) and it was extremely hard. I "studied" in a shit way (when I actually did) and go C/C- average at best. I know I didn't work shit but then I started doubting that even if I did if I would be able to do good.
Then personal life, I've always felt like and outsider and weird, I'm social, but feel different, only great around two guys (fastlane mindsets and dreamers like me), I feel misplaced and that I've nothing to give, even when I talk politics (I'm involved in them) I just feel like I'm talking for no reason generally, there are some conversations where I go into philosophy and the values I hold as fundamental (freedom and integrity) but anything more concrete I just don't really know (even though I keep talking and sometimes convincing), I also think my way of speaking is shit, my ideas come out all weird and badly thought. I've always been into girls and meeting new artistic types but generally, even though I'm interested I just get bored, I go to "parties" and it's all just noise, I drink so I can take it. If I'm with friends it gets a bit better but generally once again I just feel out of place. I can't say I'm unlucky in terms of my gene pool but in my mind I'm just not one of them, I want to be more social, specially to meet people but I hate the environment, I only take it because of the possibility of meeting someone cool.
Generally, I don't feel enough, it's not actually the problem of not belonging is thinking I'm living a lie, that I'm not enough to do shit in this world. I always thought I was smart but I feel like maybe I'm just not enough. I'm trying to force myself to be more social and start hesitating less (with girls, ideas and life in general) but those loud environments just kill me. Then when I'm in this crappy mood, I just get scared by the world, I don't have the excitement, I just feel like I'm another dude, that I won't be able to really contribute shit and I'm basically stuck.
I have ideas, generally tech/web based but then I just... feel overpowered, feeling dried out, I just want to throw up.
I know this doesn't help a thing. This is a shit mindset. I'm going to get a job after my last shitty exam, so I can get a room and move out next year (force myself out of my comfort zone, that's usually where I'm more happy, when I'm active, the problem is when I mistake movement with progress and just walk into a fake narrative that I'm doing something when I'm not). But I've felt like this all my life, I'm generally when it those friends quite positive and ambitious but then, some days, something hits me, maybe a crowded place with shitty music where I need alcohol to fuel me and I can never shut my brain off and just feel... out of place. I just look at the world in a Nihilistic sense.
All I want in life is to live, is to learn and actually do something, to help people, to be in interesting stuff. To grow. But in these off days everything is dull and grey, everything is hopeless. I look at the world and I believe in the good of people generally, but then in these moods I just see greed and pursuit of materials for the sake of it. I see mindless drones dancing, I see a lack of empathy, I see political nonsense and cries for "social justice" in such pitty topics, I see inability to reason with people, I see people going to pure demagogy and forgetting stuff that happened a week ago just because someone says pretty things, and I see myself trying to figure out where I belong, feeling powerless against a wall of apathy.
The answer is probably give value, create stuff. But then again, I start coding, I start writing and a flood of "Why the F*ck bother.", "Your IQ isn't high enough." and more stupid shit drowns me.
Sorry for the rant/venting. Any tips?
Need to vent a bit and maybe get some advice from you older guys. So I'm 19 and in college.
I have been an A/A+ all my life without much effort, I thought I was smart and all. Came to my college (top in my country) to mathematics, I wasn't really that interested (more into the job prospects) and it was extremely hard. I "studied" in a shit way (when I actually did) and go C/C- average at best. I know I didn't work shit but then I started doubting that even if I did if I would be able to do good.
Then personal life, I've always felt like and outsider and weird, I'm social, but feel different, only great around two guys (fastlane mindsets and dreamers like me), I feel misplaced and that I've nothing to give, even when I talk politics (I'm involved in them) I just feel like I'm talking for no reason generally, there are some conversations where I go into philosophy and the values I hold as fundamental (freedom and integrity) but anything more concrete I just don't really know (even though I keep talking and sometimes convincing), I also think my way of speaking is shit, my ideas come out all weird and badly thought. I've always been into girls and meeting new artistic types but generally, even though I'm interested I just get bored, I go to "parties" and it's all just noise, I drink so I can take it. If I'm with friends it gets a bit better but generally once again I just feel out of place. I can't say I'm unlucky in terms of my gene pool but in my mind I'm just not one of them, I want to be more social, specially to meet people but I hate the environment, I only take it because of the possibility of meeting someone cool.
Generally, I don't feel enough, it's not actually the problem of not belonging is thinking I'm living a lie, that I'm not enough to do shit in this world. I always thought I was smart but I feel like maybe I'm just not enough. I'm trying to force myself to be more social and start hesitating less (with girls, ideas and life in general) but those loud environments just kill me. Then when I'm in this crappy mood, I just get scared by the world, I don't have the excitement, I just feel like I'm another dude, that I won't be able to really contribute shit and I'm basically stuck.
I have ideas, generally tech/web based but then I just... feel overpowered, feeling dried out, I just want to throw up.
I know this doesn't help a thing. This is a shit mindset. I'm going to get a job after my last shitty exam, so I can get a room and move out next year (force myself out of my comfort zone, that's usually where I'm more happy, when I'm active, the problem is when I mistake movement with progress and just walk into a fake narrative that I'm doing something when I'm not). But I've felt like this all my life, I'm generally when it those friends quite positive and ambitious but then, some days, something hits me, maybe a crowded place with shitty music where I need alcohol to fuel me and I can never shut my brain off and just feel... out of place. I just look at the world in a Nihilistic sense.
All I want in life is to live, is to learn and actually do something, to help people, to be in interesting stuff. To grow. But in these off days everything is dull and grey, everything is hopeless. I look at the world and I believe in the good of people generally, but then in these moods I just see greed and pursuit of materials for the sake of it. I see mindless drones dancing, I see a lack of empathy, I see political nonsense and cries for "social justice" in such pitty topics, I see inability to reason with people, I see people going to pure demagogy and forgetting stuff that happened a week ago just because someone says pretty things, and I see myself trying to figure out where I belong, feeling powerless against a wall of apathy.
The answer is probably give value, create stuff. But then again, I start coding, I start writing and a flood of "Why the F*ck bother.", "Your IQ isn't high enough." and more stupid shit drowns me.
Sorry for the rant/venting. Any tips?
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