Divorce-build my business before or after?

[neverbackdown]

I am in a pretty crappy situation and honestly don't know what to do. I have been going over all the details in my head for so long, got nobody to ask for help, so I decided to go ahead and finally post it here.... I have been married for 8 rocky years, always some kind of situation going on with my husband. Before we got married he was so perfect and then slowly his true colors started coming out. About a year after he staryed gambling and still does to this day, though it has gotten better. There were times where we had no food, had to borrow money for rent, etc though he made around 50-70k a yr as a pilot. We lost 2 houses, cars, filed for bankruptcy. I wanted to go back to school but he said we couldn't afford it, seriously?

The past 2 years his gambling hasn't been out of control and we live pretty good. I mean it is definetly not what it used to be and no longer do we have problems paying bills/rent/food but he still is never around, not active in our kids lives, and when he has time off it's all about him(parties, gotta see the guys, hit up the gym, weekend guy trips, etc) no time for the fam.

He doesn't support me in any of my business ideas and it seems like he doesn't ever want me to succeed because of fear that I will leave him. It's like having a free housekeeper, nanny, assistant around who does everything. Recently I found out that he's been cheating on me and it just kills me...

I take care of everything, do everything, never complain...yet it is never enough for him. I don't see much love or support from him. I am tired of being unhappy and stressed out all the time. I have no family here and I cannot support myself and 3 kids right now. I have been doing ok with affiliate marketing and some online stuff but it's not enough for me to move out yet. I have an amazing online biz idea and don't know if I should do it now or try making money other ways and start my biz once I am divorced. The online biz will be a free site which will generate most revenue through ads and with my idea it can make 50k+ a month because of the importance of the content.

Obviously I won't need any licenses to start it and maybe I can register the business or LLC as soon as I have some money coming in, so if there is no biz on paperwork and legalized he can't take it away from me right or sue for half or whatever??? I am not going to tell him I plan on divorce until I can afford to move out so for the mean time I guess I have to suck everything up and somehow get through his affair and other problems. What kins of advice can you guys give me in my situation??? I wasn't even sure at first if to post this but I don't have any close friends or family who can give me advice and I'm tired of pulling my hair out as to what to do.

 

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[DeletedUser2]

dont start anything until after the divorce

Period.

good luck with that. sorry to hear about that situation.

 

[yveskleinsky]

What about spousal and/or child support? Perhaps contact an attorney and maybe you can get out sooner than later.

 

[ice]

I don't see much love or support from him.

First of all, I have to say that I have never been married, so I don't know the kind of pressures that you are under. I'm glad you could reach out for advice on this forum.. have you tried counseling with your husband?

There are many relationship resources including Tony Robbins (Outstanding Relationships Passion & Love) and books like Just Between Us Girls which has extensive tips.... including an exhaustive list of why men cheat (reasons you CAN prevent and reasons you can NOT prevent).... As far as cheating, I used to think that was a total deal-breaker, but now that I'm older, I think it depends.

Tony Robbins Relationships (I haven't used this product)
https://www.tonyrobbins.com/products/relationships/

The Best Insight on Cheating I have ever read....
Amazon.com: Just Between Us Girls: Secrets about Men from the Mayflower Madam (9780312960476): Sydney B. Barrows: Books

I just wouldn't be so quick to divorce especially with children involved.....

To answer your question about the business angle, I think zen******* is correct to wait until after the divorce.

I just wish things could be worked out between you and your husband.... that would be ideal....

If you want to private message me, feel free. Good luck!!

 

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[John C.]

I am sure it took a lot of courage to open up and post what you did. I congratulate you on having the courage to face your problems. Awareness - facing reality is the first step to solving/conquering any problem/situation.

First, I believe you are a little optimistic about the ease and speed of building an online business (or any business for that matter). Instead of building a business that creates $50,000 per month, I would suggest you build a business that generates $1,000 per month. You will learn a lot from that. Far too many people I work with trip themselves up by trying to get to the finish line before they start. Build a solid foundation and the rest will be easy.

I believe the smart thing to do is to develop a plan, start implementing, learn from your mistakes and then adjust. You need to make mistakes fast, learn from them and then refine your plans. Once you are out on your own, fear and the need for fast results can cause you to fall into the same behavior your husband engages in - namely gambling. Not that you would be involved in games of chance, but we often "roll the dice" in business. That is, we take chances that have almost no chance of succeeding. So use this time to educate yourself about what works and what does not.

Without some sort of support network, it is foolish to up and leave (unless there is serious abuse involved). You can always file for divorce once you know you can be self-sufficient. With an online business, there are little or no hard assets. But don't wait until you have thousands of dollars saved.

 

[garyfritz]

The trouble with building your business *now* is that, depending on the divorce laws in your state, your ex may have a claim on 50% of the income. Check with a divorce lawyer or at least google some info for your state. From Utah State Courts - Getting a Divorce in Utah it looks like Utah is a community-property state, so he would indeed be able to claim half ownership of your business.

So for that reason you may want to hold off until after the divorce. Is there some other way you can support yourself? I suspect you won't have much luck getting child support if he's as much of a deadbeat as you say.

Good luck. My divorce (after 20 yrs of marriage) goes final within a few weeks. Thank God at least my divorce was "gentle," without any intentional hurts or bitterness. It's still incredibly painful.

 

[AdamMaxum]

as far as the relationship. end it. sooner the better. no matter how hard it is. You will be happy you made the decision to leave him in the future, since it's blatantly obvious you're unhappy and he doesn't treat you like a husband should.

My mom left my dad when we were living in Alaska. She took my 3 siblings and I on a plane to New York. She found a place to live for us, and worked her a$$ off to provide for us. She knew that her freedom (emotionally) was more important then being unhappy for the next 10+ years with my dad. Once we grew up a little more, she continued to work the overnight shift, while attending college during the day. She now has her degree, a nice job, and is happy with her new husband. As far as me and my siblings go, we all turned out healthy and normal. I just hung out with my dad last week, and everything is good with that. If she can do it, anyone can!

Ice - I've seen enough maury episodes to know that once a cheater, always a cheater. She knows about him cheating once, he's probably done it multiple times. If she forgives him and stays with him, he's only going to do it again. The only option is to get out and move on. yeah, there are children involved, but you shouldn't stay with someone who treats you badly (cheats) and doesn't care for you just because you have children. Sorry, but that's the hard truth.


I think John C's advice is solid. Listen to him.

 

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[neverbackdown]

You know I am so happy about one thing and it's that he is constantly gone for days or weeks because of his job, and I have time for myself and the kids and were much more relaxed. Even when he is home for a day or two he brings out the worst in me...he constantly complains about everything, nags, and does absolutely nothing when home..doesn't even want to go out for a family day or something. He can stay glued to the tv for hours or have his friends come over, and I don't want my kids to think it's ok to act like that because of the example he sets for them. When he comes home he will give me money and it's like this is for rent, this for bills, and this is for food...and that's it you got to make it work. The money I earn I spent on my businesses and do stuff for the kids. Whenever I ask him about signing them up for sports or music lessons he will be like what 100 a month? that's crazy, we can't afford it..though we can..and funny when it comes to spending $200-$500 a month gambling somehow that is normal, yet lessons for the kids is not. He doesn't support any of my ventures or anything that I need, if I want it then I must earn it...when there were better times and I would share my ideas or dreams with him, he would usually laugh, tell me to get a real job, and just say that I will never get anywhere in life and I would be nothing without him. When I would have success he would totally try to sabotage it so nothing would work out for me. It's like he needs me in his life and wants to make sure I will always be there putting up with his crap, and so I will never succeed so I can't leave him. I pay all the bills(he gives me the money, but I do the rest), everything that has to do with any kind of paperwork I do, appointments, meetings, school, my house is always spotless, always have home-cooked meals, laundry, yard work, absolutely everything is done my be this one small person..it's rough, I usually stay up nights or wake up 3-4 hrs before the kids to work. I can't get a job outside of the house because they are low paying and it wouldn't even cover the cost of daycare...let alone I have 2 kids in school(kindergarten, and 1st grade), and a 2 yr old. So yes my only bet is to figure out how to make atleast 2k a mo. online, if anyone has any ideas please let me know. I have been doing a lot of affiliate marketing but it's not making more than $300 a mo. My biggest project right now is this website which I have been working on for a year...and I was hoping that if I don't register it as a business until it starts making good income, there will be no business to divide in divorce. But I guess if it is my site and it's making money regardless if the business is registered or not, then he can take half? But what would there be to take? Half income for what I made during the time married? I guess right now I have to figure out another way to make money, or work on my affiliate sites and get more clicks or what not...

 

[neverbackdown]

simpson, yeah he has cheated twice before a few years back, and maybe more that I just don't know of...I always kept forgiving him and moving on, trying to mend my broken heart..the hardest thing is, is not having any family here and so it felt like I really had no other choice but to live with it.

 

[neverbackdown]

Also I need to have money to go through divorce because I know that he will fight me on everything and make the whole process so much harder. He has said so before that if I try to leave he will take away the kids and make sure I get nothing because he can show the court he has money to support the kids and I don't. Though he could care less about them and will probably let his family take care of them because he is always gone, still he would do that just to hurt me that much more. I love my kids more than anything in this world and they are the only good in this relationship that I have these precious little angels, so I am not taking any chances. I can only leave when I can support them and myself, provide a good place to live, and show the court that I am the parent who should care for them. I have been through everything with my kids from the day they were born...I have been raising them my myself and I will not let him take them from me just because he has a good paying job.

 

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[John C.]

Never,

I wrote an ebook titled Designing Your Life. The premise is that you can design the life you want. It will not happen overnight, there is no silver bullet or magic pill that will make things right. I believe it has a lot of information which you might find helpful - a road map to design your life the way you want it. It is in PDF format, and if you would like a copy, just PM me with your email address.

John

 

[77startup]

"Though he could care less about them and will probably let his family take care of them because he is always gone, still he would do that just to hurt me that much more"

I have empathy with your plight, but I find this line pretty cliche. It seems like in our society just because someone is male and has a job seems to automatically mean they could care less about their kids. This is one of my prime reasons with wanting to be an entrepreneur in the first place.

 

[roc]

You need to end this relationship if not your only going to hold yourself down.

 

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[neverbackdown]

"Though he could care less about them and will probably let his family take care of them because he is always gone, still he would do that just to hurt me that much more"

I have empathy with your plight, but I find this line pretty cliche. It seems like in our society just because someone is male and has a job seems to automatically mean they could care less about their kids. This is one of my prime reasons with wanting to be an entrepreneur in the first place.

I don't assume that of men in general because I have seen and know some men who are fanrastic father's regardless of how much they work, they still make time for family and kids. They take part and interest with what is going on in their lives. I have been with my husband for 8 yrs and he's never once planned any family activities or trips, not even just a trip to the park. I make the plans, remind him a gazillion times, and 90% of the time he has other plans or just doesn't feel like going. So the kids and I have to talk him into it, and the trips sure aren't much fun with someone who doesn't even want to be there...and will spend the entire day being upset, talking on the phone, or texting. He clearly shows no interest and over the years has become even more self-centered. Everything is always about him and usually goes his way just to avoid arguments and keep the peace in the house.

 

[neverbackdown]

Well it's pretty clear that I shouldn't star my own business now, so I need to figure out a way to make a stable income that will allow me to support myself. Any tips or advice? I have probably read every book out there, tried all kinds of online businesses, programs..maybe I sm not doing somethig right or just haven't found exactly what works for me. I have some business plans that I am confident about but I guess I will have to hold off on those... Maybe I should pm the guy on here who sold his groupon site for 80k, maybe he can give me some advice as to what works for him. So yeah, please do share your thoughts or advice and if you have any ideas for me as to what I can do in the meantime. Thanks!!

 

[Toiletcake]

re

Just reading over your thread.

I feel for your situation but you have a plan in place now its time to execute it. Its all about the kids first, everything else needs to be second but you already know that.

On the business idea,

Do you have a friend that can register the url for you? I would go this route mainly b/c its going to make you feel better about being 1 step closer to accomplishing your new business goals. Dont forget its going to take a lot of time to get the business generating traffic which would generate the revenue you are targeting. This is a good thing b/c by the time you get your divorce behind you and things start to settle down you will or should have a solid foundation and be 12 months closer to your goal set.

Take it slow and be methodical.

The future is always bright, just re-adjust your vantage points.

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

IMO, success in any business requires focus. It is very hard to focus with a bad relationship stealing energy and focus ... especially a relationship that brings out the worst of you.

 

[canadiangal]

Some days, I wake up feeling the way you feel.
I feel for you...