Advice on Turning My Shit Life Around?

[DeletedUser394]

On someone who just wants to quit everything, life in general. My self esteem has all but evaporated tonight. I have nothing, I am nothing.

I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do.

I'm in constant physical pain (apparently my back is fine, but I can't stand for any prolonged period of time... making most jobs that I would want, impossibly unbearable.)

There's a bridge about a three minute walk away, who's pavement underneath pretty much has my name on it.

Three years here and I've pretty much regressed to nothing. No job, no money, no real purpose, or drive to do anything. I spend all my time doing nothing.

I am aware that there are millions if not billions of people in worse situations... so I ask you, what do I do to start turning this around?

You know it's not going well, when you seriously contemplate jumping off of the tallest structure you can find. If there was a switch with an on/off to control your life, I'm at a point where I would just flick the switch and be done with it.

I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate everything that I am. When I look in the mirror I see my father. A piece of shit that I've seen once in my entire life, and never want to see again. I look exactly like him.

I know it could get better, because the only option is to make it that way. But I need to know where to start. I don't even know who I am, I don't know what I like to do. I know nothing. I don't even know if I like this new city that I live in... I quite frankly have no idea about anything.

I talk a big game, but I've come to the realization that I'm all words, all fluff.
We've surpassed teenage angst and general bullshit. I want to turn this around.

I'm 25lbs underweight, I have $1.25 in my bank account. I have no job. I commit to nothing. Everything I've started, I've quit a short time later. The part that I definitely can attribute to teenage angst (and I'm going to be completely and 100% honest here.. something I don't think I've ever done...I think I'm ugly, and because of that I have zero self esteem.

I have a small chin, a massive crooked nose, and horrendously yellow teeth with bags under my eyes... I know those three things (nose, chin, teeth) can, and will one day be fixed when I have the money to do so... but I don't know how to deal with it in the meantime. I'm also starting to develop a hunchback from the insane amount of pain in my muscles/spine.

More of that teenage crap: I see so many attractive girls, and know they'd never want to talk to me. I'm 19 years old. I've never had a girlfriend, never been on a date, never kissed a girl, never held a girls hand... never even had a friendship with a girl (all of my friends have been guys). Everyone seems so happy (whether some of them are genuine or facade who knows). Whenever I hear people laugh, I assume they are laughing at me. (I would say it's just in my head.. but I live in a conservative place... and my hairstyle is anything but conservative.

I hear the comments all the time 5% are nice, 95% are snarky, mean, and downright ignorant. And you know what, they are starting to get to me. 'sticks and stones' quote is complete bullshit. The hairstyle will have to be changed anyway, because I'm thinking of joining the army reserves (but my back hurts so damn much.. and there is nothing that could be done about it).. it's chronic pain. forever.

But even then.. if I ever do achieve something in life, I know I'll have a bunch of 'haters' and I know I need to learn how to deal with them.

I want so badly to be comfortable/accepted around members of the opposite sex. If I could have anything in this world, it would be some self confidence.

I'm posting this in the public forum, and not the private forum, because I could use all the advise possible. I'm not afraid to say that my life sucks, and that I am not happy... but I want to be happy. I can't afford not to be happy. But I don't know where to start.

Maybe the first steps I could take would be to take the steps necessary to achieve independence? I'm living with my aunt and cousin right now, and I'm miserable.

'Talking to someone about my 'feelings' is out of the question. I've laid out exactly how I feel here.

I also spend too much time on the internet... but I have nothing better to replace that time with right now. I want to have a life.

 

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[DeletedUser394]

And NO this is not a whoas me thing.. I'm basically telling you exactly how I view my life.

The world owes me nothing, I have to get it.

 

[wade1mil]

First thing you should know is that a lot of people lack self esteem, so you are not alone. I went through something similar to this, although I wasn't as hard on myself as you seem to be. Here are three things that I found helped me the most in getting out of that "funk."

1) Talk to those that are close to you. I never use to be social and it's a challenge to break that habit, but it only takes a handful of days to completely break it if you really set out to. I started talking to my mom and sister, genuinely asking them for their help and support. I told two of my very close friends and nobody else. Just talk! Talking about everything helps you see the GOOD things about you, rather than focusing on only the bad as you are.

2) You need to get out of the house. This only makes your self esteem worse. I rarely use to leave the house because nothing sounded fun. Nothing excited me. It's because you're focusing on the worst possible result and assume it will flow just as you picture it. I hated the outdoors (walking, lakes, etc.) I bought a cheap bike from Walmart and started riding it at a near by trail next to the river. Now, if I go two days without going biking, I have withdrawals. Simple things start to be more fun. Start by planning as many things as you can. After only about a week, I had to turn down offers because I had people asking me to hang out at the same time.

3) Try to give yourself something to look forward to. You know how exciting it is to go to Disneyland, or a football game, or a concert? If you have something to look forward to, it really gives you a "purpose" because you are obviously lacking one. Once your life is full of things to do, you stop thinking about all of the things you mentioned above and realize it's really not bad. You're putting too much pressure on yourself (to look good, to date girls, etc.)

Hope this helps, but it all starts with you deciding to change. It's WAY easier than you think. I promise.

 

[DeletedUser394]

First thing you should know is that a lot of people lack self esteem, so you are not alone. I went through something similar to this, although I wasn't as hard on myself as you seem to be. Here are three things that I found helped me the most in getting out of that "funk."

1) Talk to those that are close to you. I never use to be social and it's a challenge to break that habit, but it only takes a handful of days to completely break it if you really set out to. I started talking to my mom and sister, genuinely asking them for their help and support. I told two of my very close friends and nobody else. Just talk! Talking about everything helps you see the GOOD things about you, rather than focusing on only the bad as you are.

2) You need to get out of the house. This only makes your self esteem worse. I rarely use to leave the house because nothing sounded fun. Nothing excited me. It's because you're focusing on the worst possible result and assume it will flow just as you picture it. I hated the outdoors (walking, lakes, etc.) I bought a cheap bike from Walmart and started riding it at a near by trail next to the river. Now, if I go two days without going biking, I have withdrawals. Simple things start to be more fun. Start by planning as many things as you can. After only about a week, I had to turn down offers because I had people asking me to hang out at the same time.

3) Try to give yourself something to look forward to. You know how exciting it is to go to Disneyland, or a football game, or a concert? If you have something to look forward to, it really gives you a "purpose" because you are obviously lacking one. Once your life is full of things to do, you stop thinking about all of the things you mentioned above and realize it's really not bad. You're putting too much pressure on yourself (to look good, to date girls, etc.)

Hope this helps, but it all starts with you deciding to change. It's WAY easier than you think. I promise.

Thank you for the advice. I have no problem socializing with men of any age, and older and younger women. I seem to be incapable to talk to women my age, that I'm attracted to (frankly even those that are my same age and that I'm not attracted to). (I'm a member of Toastmasters.. public speaking doesn't bother me in the least... it's just women my age. I can speak to a 300 person audience, but not to just 1 girl. I can strike up conversations with random strangers, but not with girls my age. It's really dumb.

Definitely will be following the advice of getting out of the house.

For the third thing, all of those things involve money, of which I have none. I enjoy attending all kinds of sporting events (hockey, football, and ufc being my favorites). I once spent $800 on a UFC ticket.. it was one of the best nights of my life.

 

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[kwerner]

[video=youtube;cKUvKE3bQlY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKUvKE3bQlY[/video]

 

[DeletedUser394]

[video=youtube;cKUvKE3bQlY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKUvKE3bQlY[/video]

Jesus.. that hit home. Thank you. Exactly what I'm thinking/doing.

 

[azdevil]

I agree with wade1mil. What he laid out is really solid advice and things I think you should follow. I'd only add that there is no shame in seeking professional help. There is no stigma attached to it. Life is hard, and finding an expert who can listen and offer advice is something we could all benefit from.

For me, it sounds cheesy, but the biggest contributor to my own sense of self worth is how I positively impact the lives of others. And really, I think that's true for most people, just in different ways. Given your situation, it might sound counterintuitive, but the more you help others, the more fulfilled you'll be.

The more we focus on ourselves, the further we fall into it. It's crippling. You have to make a positive impact on other people's lives. There is any number of ways to do so, big and small. Volunteering, charity, calling up a friend and letting them rant, etc. Give first and you'll get it back many times over.

 

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[wade1mil]

Thank you for the advice. I have no problem socializing with men of any age, and older and younger women. I seem to be incapable to talk to women my age, that I'm attracted to (frankly even those that are my same age and that I'm not attracted to). (I'm a member of Toastmasters.. public speaking doesn't bother me in the least... it's just women my age. I can speak to a 300 person audience, but not to just 1 girl. I can strike up conversations with random strangers, but not with girls my age. It's really dumb.

Definitely will be following the advice of getting out of the house.

For the third thing, all of those things involve money, of which I have none. I enjoy attending all kinds of sporting events (hockey, football, and ufc being my favorites). I once spent $800 on a UFC ticket.. it was one of the best nights of my life.

The examples I gave were just ones I came up with on the top of my head. I went on a 37 mile bike ride this morning. I was looking forward to that for 3 days. I'm meeting my sister over at her house on Saturday to swim with my nephew and niece. It doesn't have to cost money, just have something to look forward to.

It sound like you're putting pressure on yourself to say something to the girls you find attractive, and maybe hoping it will result in a date, or a friendship, etc. I've typed this sentence a few different ways, but basically what I'm trying to say is who cares about one particular girl? It's not like you won't see 100 more this month, right? Next time you're around a girl you think is attractive, make a innocent comment to her like, "it's so hot today." You need to become indifferent from the outcome. In other words, don't cares whether she says 1) no kidding! 2) nothing at all 3) leave me alone, or 4) yes, let's go get a drink. Go into it not wanting to do anything but say hi. Don't put pressure on yourself. Do this a few times, and your confidence will build on itself and snowball from there.

 

[LagunaLauren]

Geez, Ryan! I'm seriously sorry to hear how you're feeling and concerned about you as well!! I PROMISE you that although it's difficult to look past your current situation, things WILL GET BETTER! Suicide only brings pain to those who love you and care about you.

I agree completely with azdevil-doing something for someone else will make you feel so good about yourself! And it's free. Find an interest you have and donate your time and efforts. That alone could be a major change for you.

Definitely find a friend you can confide in and tell them what you're going through. Talking helps.

Make a list of everything that makes you happy or brings you joy. Even simple things. Do whatever you can from your list everyday. Create a purpose. I know you don't know what you like or want, but meditating can help you figure out what you would enjoy doing. Turn off your mind and ask yourself questions. Not to sound cheesy, but the answers are already in you.

We all have insecurities. Often, even gorgeous people are terribly critical of themselves. Start to look at and appreciate what you do like about yourself and what you are grateful for. (Like: I know it sucks to live with your family, but be grateful you have a roof over your head and family that is willing to help. Some people don't have that luxury).

You've got to shift your focus from what you don't like and don't want to what you do like and do want. I know it sounds hard, but you get what you focus on. If you focus on bad stuff, you get more bad stuff.

It's understandable to be shy around girls your age. Confidence isn't necessarily something you're born with. But this can and will change. When you see yourself as you want to be seen, others will see you the same way. Not to be rude, but I know a guy named James who is highly unfortunate-looking, to put it mildly. He has a knock-out, gorgeous wife. He knows they look mismatched and jokes "Do you know why she married me? Because I ASKED!". He had the courage when most other guys were intimidated by her good looks. Same holds true for my friend, Katrina. She's the complete package: smart, drop-dead gorgeous, successful and funny. She's 35 and rarely ever dates because guys think she's out of their league. She doesn't care about looks, she just wants a good guy. Lots of women are out there for you. You just have to believe in yourself enough and value yourself enough.

I would get ahold of a copy of "The Secret" DVD by Rhonda Byrne. It'll show you how by changing your thinking, you'll create a better life for yourself.

Please keep us posted. I know I don't know you, but I genuinely care about you and what happens to you. Don't give up. I have always found that right after things get really bad, something really good happens. It's happened to me over and over again.

and PS-Technically, with all my mortgages , I have millions of dollars of debt. If anything, be grateful you have $1.25 in your bank account! At least you don't have massive debt and a mortgage and the additional pressure of a wife and kids like many people these days.

You have your whole life ahead of you and the only way to predict the future is to create it!

 

[kwerner]

It sound like you're putting pressure on yourself to say something to the girls you find attractive, and maybe hoping it will result in a date, or a friendship, etc. I've typed this sentence a few different ways, but basically what I'm trying to say is who cares about one particular girl? It's not like you won't see 100 more this month, right? Next time you're around a girl you think is attractive, make a innocent comment to her like, "it's so hot today." You need to become indifferent from the outcome. In other words, don't cares whether she says 1) no kidding! 2) nothing at all 3) leave me alone, or 4) yes, let's go get a drink. Go into it not wanting to do anything but say hi. Don't put pressure on yourself. Do this a few times, and your confidence will build on itself and snowball from there.

This advice is 100% on the mark! Trust me.

Back when I used to date a lot, I would compare talking to chicks with playing baseball - the only way you'll ever get to first base is by stepping up to the plate and taking a swing.

And if the girl would say "buzz off dude" I would just see it as a "foul-tip" or a "swing and a miss". I conditioned myself to learn / realize that she wasn't rejecting ME, maybe she was just rejecting the approach that I was using at that moment.

Once you really "get" this and apply it, the less you worry about what the outcome of talking to the girl turns out to be, your job is to just step up to the plate and take a swing. And for some odd reason, this not caring / not worrying about the outcome attitude actually really does improve your odds. I'm not really sure WHY it works, but trust, me it does. It's such an easy game once you learn the rules and how to play.

 

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[LagunaLauren]

As a "chick", I agree with Kwerner. I think it was Wayne Gretzky that said "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take".

From a woman's perspective, I know it sucks to be a guy feeling the pressure to approach a girl with the possible fear of rejection. In my experience, my friends and I were always friendly to anyone who had the courage to talk to us. Doesn't mean we necessarily wanted to get hit on, but we were always considerate and respectful. My advice would be to just be yourself, don't try "lines" or "tactics".

With regard to confidence-Fake it til you make it. Confidence is appealing. View yourself the way you want others to view you. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.

Wait, you're 19?! Go to college! Those 4 years were some of the best of my life! Super easy to meet and talk to girls there. Great opportunity to explore different avenues and figure out what you're interested in. You'll find tons of friends with your same interests. A college degree can provide you with lots of opportunities you might not have otherwise and you can get student loans to pay for it! (I know that may not be the popular advice in an entrepreneurial forum, but as a person with both a masters degree and as an entrepreneur with successful companies, it worked for me!)

 

[kwerner]

My advice would be to just be yourself, don't try "lines" or "tactics".

With regard to confidence-Fake it til you make it. Confidence is appealing. View yourself the way you want others to view you. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.

This too is spot on. Great advice!

 

[DeletedUser394]

Thanks everyone. I definitely have a lot to think about/put into practice to turn this around. I truly appreciate all the viewpoints.

 

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[Russ H]

Ryan-

FWIW:

1. I was incredibly insecure as a young adult. It took me years to build up my self-confidence.

2. I was scared of women (tied in w/my lack of self confidence). If I got turned down when asking for a date, I was crushed. I mean it-- crushed.

3. I was unhappy, pretty much all the time. I had spent most of my childhood that way, but knew I didn't want to live the rest of my life that way.

4. I found a good therapist and started working through my problems. She charged me a nominal amount ($35 per session, back in 1979, which was, for me, a huge amount of money. I lived on $30 or less per week for food at the time).

After I'd identified a lot of my problems in therapy, my therapist asked me "what do you want to work on-- what do you want as your life's goal?"

I thought about that for weeks. What did I want, more than anything?

I told her a few weeks later: "I want to be happy".

Might seem trite-- but it was a huge start for me.

From there, we started working on a variety of things-- being comfortable w/myself, learning to love myself, learning to enjoy my own company (and not feel "lonely")-- and so much more.

By far my biggest breakthrough was learning how to laugh at my mistakes. Not fake stuff- serious, hearty belly laughter at my failures.

That was huge.

I'm not suggesting you do any of these things. You need to chart your own course.

But I just wanted to share this w/you-- since you know I turned 50 yesterday.

When I was going through all of the above, I was 18.

Lots of us went through some nasty sh*t when we were younger-- trying to figure out how to be adults.

You *can* make it.

Figure out who you are and where you are, first.

Then, chart a course.

And don't be afraid to change your heading-- or your destination-- as you learn and grow.

Learn how to forgive yourself.

And, it will take a while (took me years)-- but work at learning how to love the dude you are.

I know you can do it.

-Russ H.

 

[Russ H]

[video=youtube;cKUvKE3bQlY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKUvKE3bQlY[/video]

Kasey,

Not sure if you remember my post re this-- but this was my absolute favorite Seinfeld episode.

Still is today.

It's a great example of how doing the same thing, over and over, just leads to the same results.

But by trying something different-- perhaps not life-threatening-- but radically different-- you life can change for the better. Forever.

In George's case, he was honest w/himself-- and in talking to others-- for the first time ever.

And look at where it got him!

I realize this is a fictional show. But its message rings true for me: If what you're doing isn't working, try something different.

I particularly like how George introduces himself to the beautiful stranger in the cafe: "Hello, my name is George. I'm unemployed, and I live with my parents." (all the things he spent most of his life trying to hide from a new romantic interest-- out in the open, in the first sentence!).

Ya just gotta admire the sheer chutzpa of that.

-Russ H.

PS I'm not deluded. Real life doesn't work this way, and this episode is brilliant humor. I love the concept (ie, if it's not working-- try something different). But it's important to realize that just reversing direction-- or doing radically different things-- will not solve things.

But they will make life interesting.

 

[Hokoleskwa]

I always say, I can talk myself into-or out of-anything.

Meaning, once you start getting down on yourself, it's easy to let it snowball and find something negative about every aspect of your life. I've done it myself before. I, too, have a loser dad who I'm a dead-ringer for, and on top of that, we share the same name. Every now and then I notice traits in myself that mirror those that led him to his issues, and it's scary, but I fight back against them. I have a close friend who grew up with the same situation, and we've both found that it can be an incredibly powerful motivator to try and "break the mold", if you will. Strive to do more with your life than he ever could. At the same time, don't think about him too much, because life should be about the people who are with you, not the ones who aren't.

Girls are scary, dude. I'm a chatterbox whose been married for years to a bombshell who's way outta my league, and I still get tongue-tied around pretty girls. This was said earlier, but it bears repeating: be yourself. Within a week of meeting my wife, she said something that I interpreted as "we're just going to be friends." I spent the next two years treating her just like one of the guys, only to find out that during those same two years she (the knockout) had been trying to work up the courage to ask me (the chubby band geek) on a date! They're going to discover the "real" you sooner or later, so to put up a front will just land you a girl that isn't a good match. It's hard as a guy to wrap your head around the fact that most ladies don't care about looks as much as we do, but it seems to be the case more often than not. Learn to make 'em laugh, and you'll go far.

Good luck, Ryan, keep your head up!

 

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[Likwid24]

Damn man. I wish you weren't so far away so I could take you under my wing for a week or two and teach you a few things ! I might not be the brightest or best looking guy around but I've always had excellent social skills. That's what got me where I am today and I expect it to carry me to where I want to be. Maybe we can work something out. I can be your "Hitch".

Your still very young and have much to learn. The problem with most younger kids these days is that a majority of them lack real life social skills. I blame video games and the internet. Specifically sites like facebook, myspace and twitter. Not to mention Text messaging. People are losing their basic communication skills.

These are all problems that can be fixed though. Don't get so worried about it. For real though, if you need someone to help you out, PM me. I think I can help.

 

[DeletedUser394]

It's kind of hard to 'be yourself' when you have no idea who you are. Honestly, half the time I'm an a**hole and half the time I'm a really nice guy.

I don't know which is the real me.

I find outside influences have a huge strangle hold on how I act. When I'm listening to rap hip/hop, I act like an a**hole.. when I listen to more rock/folk/melody/love songs/etc I act decent.

Maybe I should see how I act without music at all. (I'm joined at the hip with my Ipod... even now, I'm listening to it).

I do seem to make a lot of people laugh without actually trying and/or intending to. (witty, self-deprecating humor mostly). I make my hairdresser laugh all the time (she's an extremely attractive woman only one or two years older than me). The few women that I do/have talked to seem to tell me their entire life stories for some reason (and I remember most details). I guess I'm a good listener.

When I'm forced into a situation (like having to strike up a conversation while you're sitting there for an hour), I can do it.

 

[CoMp1eX]

Hey Ryan,

I also wanted to find my true 'self' early on and those years were the lowest times of life.

I found out that if I had inner problems of my own, I kept 'blocking' relationships, my own confidence, and also success. So my advice is to keep investing in yourself, whatever it takes to gain your own confidence and happiness. That might be chasing success, it might be acquiring materialistic items, it might be having lots of relationships, it's different for everyone. For me, it was a combination of it all.

If you keep facing whatever is stopping you from being confident and happy, soon you'll notice yourself 'blocking' everything less and less, and one day you'll let it all in! That's how I overcame it...

 

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[domular]

I find outside influences have a huge strangle hold on how I act. When I'm listening to rap hip/hop, I act like an a**hole.. when I listen to more rock/folk/melody/love songs/etc I act decent.

One thing that I credit with helping to make me successful in my online biz was to stop listening to music. Not that I felt that music was having a negative influence, but that it was just noise. You sit in your car letting the radio plug in random noise.

I turned that meaningless time into knowledge by buying a tiny cheap-a$$ MP3 player and listening to free podcast about biz. A couple of years ago when I got my iphone I bought a bluetooth earbud with what is called A2DP. Earbuds with A2DP wirelessly stream audio from your phone to the headset. When a call comes in it switches the audio off and the call on. When the call is over it switches right back to the audio right where it left off.

MJ talks about recapturing wasted time and this is one way to do it. I have literally absorbed hundreds of hours of useful info into my brain about biz that would have been lost in daily commutes. Besides biz there's audio books about everything. Try listening to some motivational stuff or dating stuff. If you know that you are easily influenced, then use it with stuff that influences you in a good way.

 

[HenkHolland]

Ryan, although all the advice on how to approach women is well meant and useful I feel that no woman that you may date will really have a lasting effect on how you feel about yourself. So, imho, you should first work on your mental wellbeing. If you can't be happy on your own, you probably won't be happy with a girlfriend.

I'm not saying that it will work for you, but many years ago the son of a friend of mine was pretty much in the same situation that you describe. On the advice of his doctor he started jogging approx. 5 miles four times a week. That had a miraculous effect on him. As you know, feeling physically fit can have a huge effect on the psyche and may get you out of the downward spiral.

Just my two cents.

 

[HenkHolland]

Ryan, you may also want to look at these articles:

The Best Kept Secret For Treating Depression 2/12/05

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2004/02/14/omega-3-depression.aspx

 

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[bflbob]

Ryan:

Been there, done that.

Most folks who have met me at the B&P have no idea how painfully shy I am. I cover it up with jokes, but talking to people is awful.

I have asked three girls out in my life (to the best of my recollection). One in about 4th grade, one after I was out of high school, and one on the rebound, when #2 dumped me. I married the 3rd about 34 years ago.

The funny thing is that none of the three rejected me. (Unless you count my wife, who always seems to reject me -- a fact most married guys complain about :smxD They just happened to be the only ones I ever asked.

I know you think you have things that looks odd about you. They probably do. But those things ARE you.

There's a guy I work with who was always the most gifted social guy I know. Every time we went anywhere, people knew him, and said "Hello". This guy had a gap between his front teeth that he felt self-conscious about. When he made enough to afford it, he had the gap filled. He feels better about it.

The funny thing is that the gap always made him stand out. People could always say, "You remember Mark -- the great guy with that little gap in his teeth?" No one looked at him like it was a birth defect. That was just him. It was sort of like red hair, or freckles, or dimples. People knew him by it.

He hated it. Others adored it. Now he's "Mark... the guy that was standing next to that guy with the fighter's nose and little chin."

====================

Now for happiness. It sucks. I've looked everywhere for it, but it always seems to be in someone else's pocket. So I'm with you on this one.

I actually sat down one time and made a list of things I thought would make me happy. But it is sort of like telling someone to make a list of things that would make them feel "hypersedwerian".

What's it feel like to be "hypersedwerian"? I don't know, because I don't think I've ever felt that way.

What's it feel like to be "happy"? I don't know, because I don't think I've ever felt that way.

Nonetheless, I made a list:

• Vacation in Hawaii
• Donate $1,000,000 to a charity
• Steal a chicken from an alligator's mouth

The problem was, most of the things on the list were "things", and (as I soon discovered) things don't make you happy.

In the years since I made that list (yes, I still have it here somewhere), I discovered what seems to make me happy. It is to feel needed, loved, appreciated, wanted (not by the police) and important.

Anyone who has kids can tell you how your day can go from the worst to the best when your 4-year-old comes running to you as you open the door, gives your legs a big hug, and says, "Daddy!!!! I missed you!"

Now, it's my 2-year-old grandson, whose smile lights up when he sees me. When he shouts, "'Pa!" and comes running for a hug, it makes 54 years of hard labor worth the price.

The problem is that you can't just go out and buy a son or grandson. "I'll take the one on the left. He looks like he'll be dying to great me every night."

It takes time. And a woman. One who is either very horny or sleeps really soundly. Or drinks. Or all of the above.

Of course, maybe that isn't what will make you happy. I can't tell you that. I couldn't have told me that when I was your age.

=====================

On to attitude.

"Only you can make you feel bad."

I don't remember where I read it, but somehow that saying has always stuck with me.

You need to control the little voices in your head that are telling you that those girls are talking about you. Instead, they are talking about you!

I've seen too many people lay on the horn and wave their arms, cussing out a driver who changed lanes and forced them to swerve. It gets them nowhere.

I seldom react. In my mind, that car had no intention of getting in an accident. How can I be mad at them for nearly causing an accident that they never intended to cause? They made a mistake. I swerved. No one got hurt.

Attitude is tough to control. But it is the one thing you can ALWAYS control.

You can wake every morning thinking, "What can I achieve today?" or you can wake thinking, "What kind of CRAP is life going to throw my way today?"

You get to decide. You are totally in the drivers seat on this one.

=========================

On openness.

I'm a pretty open book, and I think that's helped me in life. I tend to be brutally honest about myself. (Not about the "does this dress make my butt look fat" things.)

I don't drink, because I'm a drunk. I tell everyone that pretty early on in relationships. It's something I'm not happy about.

I'd love to drink socially. And I used to. At the rate of a beer every five minutes or so.

If I tell you up front that I can't drink, you won't expect me to. That makes it easier for me, and for you.

If I screw up, I'll tell you. I don't want you finding out via the back door.

That's what I'm liking about your story, Ryan. You are being honest. You can never hate someone for that.

============================

On following through.

I also tend to drift a lot. I work hard on Project A until Project B comes along.

Right now, I should be working on that Smoothie Site that's in my sig area. Something I did just dropped me from 300 visitors a day, down to 35. I need to get the traffic back up.

Instead, I'm here writing this. You are Project B. (No offense intended.)

The difference in me and you is that I have now noticed it. And I'm heading back to Project A.

Notice what you are doing, and get back on track. One thing at a time.

Write it on your wall. Hang it from your rear view mirror. Tattoo it on your arm. "Get back to _________!"

Project A, front and center!

 

[Icy]

Thank you for writing that Bob. Simply clicking the 'thank you' button wouldn't feel genuine enough in this case.

 

[DeletedUser394]

Bob, that was amazing. Thank you!

 

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[acrystal]

removing shit

A lot of people in high school and in their 20's feel awkward. Some of the prettiest girls feel really shy and inadequate on the inside; and wouldn't mind a friendly hello from someone with yellow teeth and a crooked nose. I had one beautiful girlfriend who liked men with a little flaw, she thought they would treat her better. Self confidence isn't something that just comes over you one day. It's practicing little things, saying hello to checkout girls and those that hand out drinks at starbucks, etc. without expecting anything in return or performing a deep probing analysis of every interaction. It seems like once people hit their late 30's or older most have had a significant other and often even a marriage or two and a kid, so somehow relationships find even the most self-deprecating individuals. The trick is to keep trying, stay on the planet. 1.25 is more than some people have, and it's a start. You need to get moving physically & mentally and focus on something other than repetitive negative thoughts. Harvard has free classes online, itunes has free classes in business, computers, psychology (itunes U). if you've read the fastlane book, read it again - every word, ponder a chapter every 2 days, and really think about what is offered. If you continue to have thoughts of jumping off bridges you might want to seek medication for depression, or outpatient talk therapy. Life gets better for most, but you have to work at it. You also might want to punch some pillows, yell when no one is home, usually there is a lot of hidden anger in people who are depressed and you need to let it out. Take Care of yourself. -a

 

[bflbob]

Bob, that was amazing. Thank you!

Thanks, Ryan.

But you know what's even more amazing?

I left this forum after writing the post above, and went to work on my smoothie site.

I have no idea what happened, but I posted, linked, edited, and more.

July 6th was my worst day since April 1st, but July 5th (the prior day) was my best day ever.

After working on the site today, I have had my second best day ever.

You'll love this chart.

Like I said above... sticking with Project A matters.


Best of luck,
Bob

 

[Russ H]

Rep speed for that post, Bobbo. :fastlane:

-Russ H.

 

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[Lights]

Oh a "hate the world" thread.

Well I had similar feelings. I didn't like the image I see in the mirror, since I didn't see total beauty but I am beautiful in my own unique way, maybe I'm not Adriana Lima or a supermodel, but I am beautiful in a classical Italian statue type way. I have men crying around the country since I broken their hearts, so I must be a modern Aphrodite. No joke, I broke this man heart when I visit him for only 2 days, then I left, he was in tears telling me "She's the one I want to be with forever" even though I knew I would never see him again. Then I went homeless when I returned home. But I will now perfect what I have to create an image of greatness, since now I am free and far away. It's like walking into a mirror, and looking back behind you, seeing yourself dead when you're still alive. It's like that in a way, a rebirth in a sense, when you finally can live on your own and know you can survive on your own. When you have the power to move away from your family with less than 1 k in savings (I still have most of the money, and I bought high-end clothing at good will recently).

And just 2 weeks ago, I had a guy I never met send me $100 over western union, so that helped my self-esteem a bit. And now I have a boyfriend I live with, and he's madly in love with me. I don't love him all that much, but I am not going homeless right now...

I also manage to get a job again, I have free college, and I have a grant coming in, so I should have like 5 k in savings now with the job. I'm now loving my life, but in reality it's bittersweet.

I'm not any wealthier than I was yesterday, I have no masterplans to get rich right now, but I'm going to start writing a novel and hopefully get it published next year summer. I think being an author might help me feel more accomplished, since I would feel, "Yes, I have fans! Yes I am published author now" Even if I don't make more than 5. I'm going to be huge one day, and I'll be a millionaire before 30. I don't know how I'll get there, but I'm working on it.

But I'm not like anyone though. My real dream was to become a superstar, pornstar, musical star, but I drop that because I have no talent in music, so I couldn't change the world. I would try to look like Mary Pickford with sex appeal. So after 3 years of planning my stage-name, New York, creating a new genre that combines post-dubstep/fantasy/electro-pop/hiphop, and then creating sounds that sound like it comes from space-future. I was so into this. I dropped it, and decided I will go to college. I decided I will somehow become a millionaire doing some business of some sort. Happiness doesn't come to the equation, since I am eternally happy. I have it good, my life is decent, I created this life.

I was obese/acne ridden at one time, but I cured myself from this.

I'm alive at least. But I thought of dying many times since I thought I would never be happy, but what took me out of it was usual the thought of hope. I doubt there's an afterlife too. Still if I found out I had cancer or an incurable disease it wouldn't matter to much to me, I'm not afraid of death, but I don't want to die either. Life is wonderful, but I don't think I belong on this planet or this time period. It's so boring. What do most people do... work/raise a family/then die at an old age. What do the rich do, enjoy the money until they die. The fun we have is lame... vacations, traveling, computers, drinking, and partying. It's so old... what would be much grander would be exploring lands that don't exist on Earth... exploring a place far away like a land of purple skies, a water-like substance to sleep in, ultra-violet horses with two heads who live by water/sun who have wings. Well that land doesn't exist I should know... since paradise doesn't exist. There's no heaven there's no hell. But if you believe there's a heaven then there's a heaven, it's all an idea, since in your mind you believe, so all it matters is to you. If you believe then it becomes true, even if it doesn't manifest since it's your life, it's your mind.

Life isn't that great though... for most people. Everyone is searching a temporary high to escape the dreariness or sadness of their lives. They can play pretend, and imagine their life as an alternative reality to fool themselves that they are what they are not. I believe some people think, "Oh I am so sexy and beautiful" even though they could be obese and ugly, or some people fool themselves, "The white race is superior, so I am white, and I am superior" to make themselves feel better, or "I am educated so I am great", or "I am an African American man who has a good looking woman so I am better than all the other men"

Life doesn't mean anything though. If we really want to come down to it... what matters the most is the way you perceive life. If you're happy, whatever your happiness is, then that's what matters. Immortality, fame, is wonderful too but everyone dies so it will end too. What you have is today, the now, and the moment to have happiness.

I believe in enjoying earthly pleasures, getting your goals succeeded, being happy, and enjoying the ride. You create the life you want to live in, which I did for myself. I believe I am successful. I believe I am a god-like being, even if I know that most people don't care about me. If I believe in myself then my actions will manifest what I desire.

I am what I want to be, I control my fate, and deep inside I know someone is listening. I look back to the end of my life, and I know I changed someone life, and I changed many lives. If I had to be reborn, I would live a different life then I am doing right now. The moon rises and falls, and then we will see the reality when we're dead. I want to live forever.

So if you want to achieve what you want to achieve you have to CREATE the life you want to live in. You have to remove the habits, the ideas, the actions that work against you and replace them with healthy habits. You have to change your mindframe, if you want to get to the point of changing your life. It's like planning and executing it.

 

[Lights]

But really I haven't felt true depression or sadness in a long time... I can't recall the last time I cried. Well yes, I can recall the last time... I was listening to this song with Forever Young with Britney Spears on it...

i made a thread post about it
http://www.skincaretalk.com/off-topic-talk/23089-who-loves-life.html

I just love my life. I love myself. I effen love myself.... I love myself beyond all things, except if I had children. I would love them more than I love myself.