D
DeletedUser394
Guest
On someone who just wants to quit everything, life in general. My self esteem has all but evaporated tonight. I have nothing, I am nothing.
I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do.
I'm in constant physical pain (apparently my back is fine, but I can't stand for any prolonged period of time... making most jobs that I would want, impossibly unbearable.)
There's a bridge about a three minute walk away, who's pavement underneath pretty much has my name on it.
Three years here and I've pretty much regressed to nothing. No job, no money, no real purpose, or drive to do anything. I spend all my time doing nothing.
I am aware that there are millions if not billions of people in worse situations... so I ask you, what do I do to start turning this around?
You know it's not going well, when you seriously contemplate jumping off of the tallest structure you can find. If there was a switch with an on/off to control your life, I'm at a point where I would just flick the switch and be done with it.
I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate everything that I am. When I look in the mirror I see my father. A piece of shit that I've seen once in my entire life, and never want to see again. I look exactly like him.
I know it could get better, because the only option is to make it that way. But I need to know where to start. I don't even know who I am, I don't know what I like to do. I know nothing. I don't even know if I like this new city that I live in... I quite frankly have no idea about anything.
I talk a big game, but I've come to the realization that I'm all words, all fluff.
We've surpassed teenage angst and general bullshit. I want to turn this around.
I'm 25lbs underweight, I have $1.25 in my bank account. I have no job. I commit to nothing. Everything I've started, I've quit a short time later. The part that I definitely can attribute to teenage angst (and I'm going to be completely and 100% honest here.. something I don't think I've ever done...I think I'm ugly, and because of that I have zero self esteem.
I have a small chin, a massive crooked nose, and horrendously yellow teeth with bags under my eyes... I know those three things (nose, chin, teeth) can, and will one day be fixed when I have the money to do so... but I don't know how to deal with it in the meantime. I'm also starting to develop a hunchback from the insane amount of pain in my muscles/spine.
More of that teenage crap: I see so many attractive girls, and know they'd never want to talk to me. I'm 19 years old. I've never had a girlfriend, never been on a date, never kissed a girl, never held a girls hand... never even had a friendship with a girl (all of my friends have been guys). Everyone seems so happy (whether some of them are genuine or facade who knows). Whenever I hear people laugh, I assume they are laughing at me. (I would say it's just in my head.. but I live in a conservative place... and my hairstyle is anything but conservative.
I hear the comments all the time 5% are nice, 95% are snarky, mean, and downright ignorant. And you know what, they are starting to get to me. 'sticks and stones' quote is complete bullshit. The hairstyle will have to be changed anyway, because I'm thinking of joining the army reserves (but my back hurts so damn much.. and there is nothing that could be done about it).. it's chronic pain. forever.
But even then.. if I ever do achieve something in life, I know I'll have a bunch of 'haters' and I know I need to learn how to deal with them.
I want so badly to be comfortable/accepted around members of the opposite sex. If I could have anything in this world, it would be some self confidence.
I'm posting this in the public forum, and not the private forum, because I could use all the advise possible. I'm not afraid to say that my life sucks, and that I am not happy... but I want to be happy. I can't afford not to be happy. But I don't know where to start.
Maybe the first steps I could take would be to take the steps necessary to achieve independence? I'm living with my aunt and cousin right now, and I'm miserable.
'Talking to someone about my 'feelings' is out of the question. I've laid out exactly how I feel here.
I also spend too much time on the internet... but I have nothing better to replace that time with right now. I want to have a life.
I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do.
I'm in constant physical pain (apparently my back is fine, but I can't stand for any prolonged period of time... making most jobs that I would want, impossibly unbearable.)
There's a bridge about a three minute walk away, who's pavement underneath pretty much has my name on it.
Three years here and I've pretty much regressed to nothing. No job, no money, no real purpose, or drive to do anything. I spend all my time doing nothing.
I am aware that there are millions if not billions of people in worse situations... so I ask you, what do I do to start turning this around?
You know it's not going well, when you seriously contemplate jumping off of the tallest structure you can find. If there was a switch with an on/off to control your life, I'm at a point where I would just flick the switch and be done with it.
I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate everything that I am. When I look in the mirror I see my father. A piece of shit that I've seen once in my entire life, and never want to see again. I look exactly like him.
I know it could get better, because the only option is to make it that way. But I need to know where to start. I don't even know who I am, I don't know what I like to do. I know nothing. I don't even know if I like this new city that I live in... I quite frankly have no idea about anything.
I talk a big game, but I've come to the realization that I'm all words, all fluff.
We've surpassed teenage angst and general bullshit. I want to turn this around.
I'm 25lbs underweight, I have $1.25 in my bank account. I have no job. I commit to nothing. Everything I've started, I've quit a short time later. The part that I definitely can attribute to teenage angst (and I'm going to be completely and 100% honest here.. something I don't think I've ever done...I think I'm ugly, and because of that I have zero self esteem.
I have a small chin, a massive crooked nose, and horrendously yellow teeth with bags under my eyes... I know those three things (nose, chin, teeth) can, and will one day be fixed when I have the money to do so... but I don't know how to deal with it in the meantime. I'm also starting to develop a hunchback from the insane amount of pain in my muscles/spine.
More of that teenage crap: I see so many attractive girls, and know they'd never want to talk to me. I'm 19 years old. I've never had a girlfriend, never been on a date, never kissed a girl, never held a girls hand... never even had a friendship with a girl (all of my friends have been guys). Everyone seems so happy (whether some of them are genuine or facade who knows). Whenever I hear people laugh, I assume they are laughing at me. (I would say it's just in my head.. but I live in a conservative place... and my hairstyle is anything but conservative.
I hear the comments all the time 5% are nice, 95% are snarky, mean, and downright ignorant. And you know what, they are starting to get to me. 'sticks and stones' quote is complete bullshit. The hairstyle will have to be changed anyway, because I'm thinking of joining the army reserves (but my back hurts so damn much.. and there is nothing that could be done about it).. it's chronic pain. forever.
But even then.. if I ever do achieve something in life, I know I'll have a bunch of 'haters' and I know I need to learn how to deal with them.
I want so badly to be comfortable/accepted around members of the opposite sex. If I could have anything in this world, it would be some self confidence.
I'm posting this in the public forum, and not the private forum, because I could use all the advise possible. I'm not afraid to say that my life sucks, and that I am not happy... but I want to be happy. I can't afford not to be happy. But I don't know where to start.
Maybe the first steps I could take would be to take the steps necessary to achieve independence? I'm living with my aunt and cousin right now, and I'm miserable.
'Talking to someone about my 'feelings' is out of the question. I've laid out exactly how I feel here.
I also spend too much time on the internet... but I have nothing better to replace that time with right now. I want to have a life.
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