More Musings about Life

[Greg R]

I took a trip to Europe with a large budget and little concern for money. We spent 300 euros on LUNCH in Paris, stayed in "high class" hotels, toured the Italian coast on a small cruise ship. It was not any more fun than a trip around the mountains in a 30 foot motorhome to me.

Very interesting point!

Could this mean that; there is only one degree of fun? or that "fun" comes from one's perceptions?

There could be different degrees of fun, but in your case, you can have as much fun for one thing as you can another. Maybe you can choose how much fun you want to have.

If that is the case we should all choose maximum amount of fun!

 

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[MTF]

There are always discussions around about "millionaire perspectives" and such. There are also constant posts about wanting to be mega-rich. Along with this, there are lots of people stating what they want to do with their massive cash once they have earned it.

Well, your perspectives will likely change also as you gain net-worth.

How do you figure out whether your perspectives have changed and whether you're depressed?

Before I started making more money I had thought that I would travel a lot once I could afford it. I even made a long list of all the places I wanted to visit and fun things I wanted to do.

Now that I can afford to go pretty much anywhere in the world at any moment (or even have plans as was the case with the summit) I just don't feel like doing it. People around me are excited about my plans but I just feel meh about it which then makes me feel guilty and ungrateful that I have so many possibilities but don't take advantage of them.

I bought a new car and do enjoy driving it, but I also think that I could have just bought a cheap used car and wouldn't feel very different about it. I renovated the place in which I live and now regret doing it because I realized it hasn't changed anything except for draining my wallet and I don't even want to live here anymore (but don't know where else to live).

Have my perspectives changed or is something wrong with me? Perhaps you can offer some advice, Steve.

 

[SteveO]

How do you figure out whether your perspectives have changed and whether you're depressed?

Before I started making more money I had thought that I would travel a lot once I could afford it. I even made a long list of all the places I wanted to visit and fun things I wanted to do.

Now that I can afford to go pretty much anywhere in the world at any moment (or even have plans as was the case with the summit) I just don't feel like doing it. People around me are excited about my plans but I just feel meh about it which then makes me feel guilty and ungrateful that I have so many possibilities but don't take advantage of them.

I bought a new car and do enjoy driving it, but I also think that I could have just bought a cheap used car and wouldn't feel very different about it. I renovated the place in which I live and now regret doing it because I realized it hasn't changed anything except for draining my wallet and I don't even want to live here anymore (but don't know where else to live).

Have my perspectives changed or is something wrong with me? Perhaps you can offer some advice, Steve.

I went through a similar phase. There have been others that made comments like this as well.

This is common because we all think life is about getting things. Happiness can be purchased.

We had purchased a top of the line Infinity and Mini Cooper. Not what some would buy but we thought they were cool. Eventually sold them. Now we drive boring Toyotas. Fits our personality better. We are also selling our 3000 sq ft house on the golf course and moving to a less dense area with a smaller house. We want space away from people and care much less about the house and finishes. That used to be a big deal to me.

There is much more that has changed in my life. I really want time with family members. This has become a craving for me.

Freedom is an amazing thing. Nothing will be fun if you force it. Time will show you though. I lived in Prescott AZ for a while. It was a small town that catered to tourists. I found that once all the mountain trails and local bars were explored, that I got bored. Had to get to a big city. Moved into the heart of Scottsdale where there is a lot going on. I did not take advantage. Rode my bike to the gym and went for a run every day.

I felt bored and unfulfilled. Had plenty of money to spend but had trouble finding pleasure.

Since that time I have found multiple softball teams and a large running group. They traveled the country to participate in events. I ran the Boston Marathon and went with a group of 12 runners. Traveled to numerous locations for adventure races. Went to Vegas, Palm Springs, etc. for softball tournaments with a couple of different teams.

About 2 years ago, I saw these guys flying through the air in wheeled vehicles hanging by a parachute. I hunted them down and they took me for a flight around the local mountains, farms, and valleys. I flew over my golf course and the competitors. It was so much fun. The possibilities are endless. I have a travel trailer and like to visit beaches, mountains, landmarks, etc. It is always fun to see them from the ground. But now I can see them from the air! In the process of getting my license to fly them.

Things come to you. You are in a transition period. I went through that. You can do whatever YOU want. It is an amazing thought.

Take your steps, keep your feelers out.

 

[MTF]

Thank you, @SteveO. I'm aware that it sounds like a First World problem but still, this transition period is hard. Makes you confused what you want out of life and whether you'll ever genuinely feel excited about anything anymore.

I felt bored and unfulfilled. Had plenty of money to spend but had trouble finding pleasure.

Talk about my life...

 

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[SteveO]

I'm aware that it sounds like a First World problem but still, this transition period is hard. Makes you confused what you want out of life and whether you'll ever genuinely feel excited about anything anymore.

Just like building a business is hard. The transition is just part of finding your way. Ask @biophase . I have not seen many people transition like him and his brother. They make life look fun and easy.

 

[MTF]

@biophase, any tips you could share on how to deal with it?

 

[biophase]

@biophase, any tips you could share on how to deal with it?

The part of living a fulfilling life is something that I definitely think about. But I also know that I don't know what that means. All I know is that I get a fulfilled feeling inside my body when I do certain things. But sometimes when I do it again, I don't feel it again. Understand that we are made to adapt to anything.

That's why $50k sounds great today, and sounds too little next year. That's what we can go from a small house to a big house and think the big house is too small. If you just understand that your body will adapt to whatever your everyday is and it will become the norm.

I think you should go on vacation. You should go to a 3rd world country. Spend a week with no water and dig holes to shit in. Spend time with people who make $500/year. Then come back to your house and complain about how your life sucks and isn't fulfilled.

You need to understand how lucky you are everyday. Not just lucky because you have money, but lucky that you are healthy, you can see, can walk, can function, have no incurable disease. Don't think of how bored you are because you can't find anything to do. How many people would love that?

What I think you should be really saying to yourself is, "I have absolutely no reason to be depressed. I make more than 99.9% of the world. I have food. I have water. What the F*ck am I complaining about?"

You should not have cancelled your flight. You should come to the summit. This is exactly how you get out of your funk. It's not by doing the same thing or staying at home, it's by experiencing new things and opening your mind up to different perspectives. Buy that plane ticket!

 

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[OMDA]

Thank you for pushing this thread back to the top. Very timely for the perspective I need at the moment.

I've had a very empty feeling recently when working on the side project. Yes, I want to escape having a 9-5. Yes, I want to be more than just survival-level successful on the side.
But, I look at the time slipping by regardless.
The weather was surprisingly not dreary this weekend, so I blew off working on my project for most of it just to enjoy it. Part of me felt guilty, and the other was glad that I got out.

The routine of a 9-5 plus trying to throw ideas at the market until they stick can drive me insane a bit. I think I need to plan a trip in my preferred destination to have a go at living off savings for an extended period just to shake off the normal routine and get that feeling of freedom back.

 

[MTF]

Thank you, @biophase. Your post made me feel much better.

I think you should go on vacation. You should go to a 3rd world country. Spend a week with no water and dig holes to sh*t in. Spend time with people who make $500/year. Then come back to your house and complain about how your life sucks and isn't fulfilled.

Last summer I went to a very poor country and I literally dug holes to shit in, bathed myself in a cold river and lake and did spend time with people who were extremely poor (like a soldier who worked in a military base in the middle of nowhere and got only three days of leave every three months, while getting to and from the base to the nearest civilization already took one day). It was a humbling experience and just thinking about it now makes me realize how awesome my life is.

It made me realize that I'm extremely lucky as I would never want to live there (by the end of the trip I was actually relieved to fly back home). It was a great adventure, though, and I think that perhaps that's what I need to do periodically to rediscover myself. I just need to find people with whom I can do it as going alone doesn't excite me.

I don't think that my life sucks; it would be super disrespectful toward people who are struggling to say that. I'm very, very grateful for it. I'm only missing the feeling of being fulfilled which I guess just becomes more visible when you no longer have to worry about the basics. You shift your attention toward a higher purpose and feel frustrated when you can't figure it out.

I guess I'll eventually find out how to reliably produce fulfillment in my life. As Steve says, it's probably a part of the transition to a position in which making money (something that used to be my primary drive and a source of deep fulfillment) is no longer that strong (though still makes me feel good).

What I think you should be really saying to yourself is, "I have absolutely no reason to be depressed. I make more than 99.9% of the world. I have food. I have water. What the f*ck am I complaining about?"

You're 100% right and that's precisely what I tell myself every day. The annoying part is that logically you know that it's stupid to complain and feel bad, but you still do. This makes you feel even worse and it's a vicious cycle.

I need to shift my focus to be of more service to other people and perhaps this will help me deal with it.

You should not have cancelled your flight. You should come to the summit. This is exactly how you get out of your funk. It's not by doing the same thing or staying at home, it's by experiencing new things and opening your mind up to different perspectives. Buy that plane ticket!

I didn't cancel the flight, the airline did. They offered to reschedule for a different flight that would take 6 more hours of traveling and it all just made me realize I didn't want to go so instead of asking them to reschedule it I asked for a refund.

Even now when I'm browsing through the possible flights I just don't feel like going through the ordeal of 20+ hours of traveling just like I wouldn't go now to, say, a tropical paradise, even if somebody gave me a ticket and a 5-star hotel reservation.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that there will be well over 100 attendees. Perhaps I needed the flight to be cancelled so I could discover that deep down I wasn't really interested in attending such a big conference.

I bought my ticket because I felt it was the only option to connect with you all even though I knew that it wouldn't be the best way for me personally to get to know people. I did try a few times to go outside my comfort zone and hang out in a bigger group and it just doesn't work. I excel when I can fully focus on just one person.

I'd love to meet you guys, but I realized that it has to be on my terms to make it worth it for me. I always regret going to events with lots of people thinking that I would make new friends and then realizing that this is just not possible (at least for me) unless it's a more private non-party setting (like hiking together or something like that).

I'm very grateful to be in such a position that I can cancel my plans if I decide that it doesn't feel right for me. Several years ago I met a successful person who was like that. He wasn't afraid to simply leave in the middle of the event if he felt it wasn't working for him. It impressed the hell out of me (talk about being in the position of "F*ck you") and I remember it to this day because I promised myself that I would become like him.

Yesterday I was actually browsing through your posts looking for information about your entrepreneurial retreat. That looks like a much better fit for me personally so I'm waiting for the announcement about the 2018 one (I didn't go to Iceland because I don't like being cold).

 

[biophase]

Our whole lives from when we are in 1st grade we are told that education is important. Why? Because with education we get a better job and make more money. Everything from grammar school to high school to college is all geared towards the goal of making money.

So when this goal is taken away, or achieved, it's really easy to feel lost. This is because that number 1 purpose in your life is now gone. Now your days are aimless because when you wake up, work doesn't need to be the #1 priority. In fact, there is no #1 anymore.

However, I would argue that there is and new #1 ... it's health. So if I were you, I'd make a health goal, like a 5k, marathon, or anything. Join a gym, get a trainer, you can afford it... don't care about the cost. Just join and make it the most important thing in your day.

Regarding summit... I hate 20 hour flights, but in your case it might be good for you to get out, be around people, see different airports, etc... Read a book during this time. You will have alot of time to reflect. I get alot of work done on these long trips. It's not work like I have excel open on my laptop, it's more like work where my brain thinks of where I am, what I want to do... there's alot of business strategy popping into my head during these trips.

Lastly when you get to the summit, you aren't meeting 150 people. You may sit in a room of 150 people, but you are meeting 10-15 people. Sure there are 150 people there, but realistically you will meet a handful. It's unrealistic to think that you will meet and talk to everyone in 2 days.

Ignore the people you don't want to meet. If you don't like it, just skip it and hang by the pool or go hiking. As you said, it's all in your control.

 

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[MTF]

Thank you, @biophase. Sport (rock climbing for me) is now one of the biggest priorities in my life and putting health as a priority is a side effect - I need to be healthy and fit to climb better. I actually now identify myself more with rock climbing than business and spend most of my time thinking about it so yeah, some kind of a shift has already happened.

The only challenge with prioritizing health is that it's very hard to quantify it when compared to money, though obviously it can be done by tracking your performance in specific exercises/sports, etc. or just general well-being.

 

[c_morris]

I did try a few times to go outside my comfort zone and hang out in a bigger group and it just doesn't work.

I always regret going to events with lots of people thinking that I would make new friends and then realizing that this is just not possible (at least for me) unless it's a more private non-party setting (like hiking together or something like that).

I can totally relate. I'm a homebody and prefer the company of a few over many. I figured out that I have a form of Social Anxiety Disorder (self-diagnosed) on top of being introverted. The only thing that really helped me get over it, though I still experience it, is just getting out.

Recently I reconnected with a childhood friend that I've seen maybe twice in the last 20 years. He randomly invites me to his Christmas party and I accept without hesitation, but...... the entire time leading up to the event, I was thinking of ways to get out of going. My wife and I recently split, so I was going solo, and I was having anxiety just thinking about it. Even when I was 5 minutes from arriving at the party, I was contemplating turning around and going home (45 min drive each way).

I finally just said F it! I'm going. What's the worse that can happen? At worst, I figure I will have a drink or 2, chat with my friend and leave.

Guess what?

I had a great time, met some new people and got to reconnect with one of my best friends growing up. Thing's are rarely as bad as they seem.

I hate 20 hour flights, but in your case it might be good for you to get out, be around people, see different airports, etc...

Lastly when you get to the summit, you aren't meeting 150 people. You may sit in a room of 150 people, but you are meeting 10-15 people. Sure there are 150 people there, but realistically you will meet a handful. It's unrealistic to think that you will meet and talk to everyone in 2 days.

Every once in a while, the broader team (~200 people) where I work gets together for an off-site meeting, complete with all the corporate team building BS that one would expect. My team specifically (10 people) is great, but they are quiet and struggle to get out of their comfort zones. My message to them is always the same: "You may not want to go now, but trust me, once you get there your feelings will change. You will enjoy yourself." I have yet to hear one person tell me that they regret going and the feedback is almost always positive.

You need to practice. Try your best to be social. Repetitive action is the only way to get over it.

 

[MTF]

@cmor16, I used to be super shy but fortunately I overcame it (took me a few years to deal with it). Now I'm not afraid of social situations at all. I can do pretty stupid stuff in public and won't really care. Before it was a matter of fear, now it's just a matter of preference. I don't like crowds, just like I don't like eating mushrooms.

I sometimes spend time in a larger group just to see if anything has changed but so far nothing has changed. If possible, I always opt for one-on-one. For example, I take one-on-one self-defense classes. I wouldn't practice self-defense if I had to take group classes.

I can go to an event and won't feel anxious or awkward but I just won't feel like it's a good use of my time. Even when going out with friends I usually only spend time with one person at a time (or two at most) because otherwise I feel like I'm wasting my time (I like my friends, but I like spending time with them one on one to be able to fully focus on the interaction).

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

But now I can see them from the air! In the process of getting my license to fly them.

Who are you going through?

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that there will be well over 100 attendees. Perhaps I needed the flight to be cancelled so I could discover that deep down I wasn't really interested in attending such a big conference.

The conference isn't big. It's capped at 120 (despite demand) because that's the level at which it still feels personal with a sense of community. With all the stuff before and after (and with Wadih's presentation) you really get to meet a lot of people, or I should say, you get the "opportunity" to meet a lot of people. The social situations alone give you the opportunity to meet half the group, and that's just standing there with a drink.

 

[c_morris]

Before it was a matter of fear, now it's just a matter of preference. I don't like crowds, just like I don't like eating mushrooms.


I can go to an event and won't feel anxious or awkward but I just won't feel like it's a good use of my time.

I get it, we all have our preferences. In regards to bailing on the summit, I find it hard to believe that you don't feel it's a good use of time. You've been here a while and you have Legendary Contributor status. Seems that this would be a valuable use of time, both for you and those that get to meet you. That said, 20+ hours is a long a$$ flight!

 

[Fox]

Interesting thread with some great responses.

I think I reached peak happiness when I was teaching surfing and out in nature all the time. I find myself only truly in the moment when doing an activity or something "extreme" (sounds cheesy ha). I also find that giving back and teaching others is a great way to regain some passion. If you loved doing something the first time its so much fun to watch others succeed in it too.

@MTF you sound like a cool guy who just enjoys really meaningful experiences. I hate big groups also and feel the quality goes downhill fast in terms of conversation. I think the trick is to just focus on one or two people on a time and not let the group overwhelm you. If possible try to still go as an experiment and see how you feel. You can always bounce early or get a small group to do something to your tastes if it isn't working out.

 

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