Worst Situation Ever

[rlucas]

I am writing this post as some what of a journal to get my thoughts out and maybe get some feed back on my current situation.

I started working at this company and started to become good friends with my boss and in doing so a few months after my employment he moved in the condo above me. We were basically best friends with a lot of interests outside of work and would hang out regularly.

Just this last weekend we were at a party with my girlfriend and I decided that I would be designated driver. The two of them proceeded to get quite drunk together while I just sat back and had a good time (not drinking). As the night progressed my girlfriend decided to pick a fight with me and I attempted to do damage control but when she gets drunk she is completely unreasonable.

Finally the night ends and I drive my boss and my girlfriend (who I live with) back to our complex. My girlfriend (still drunk and unreasonable) decides to go upstairs and 'vent' to my boss about the fight we just got into. I decide I'm just going to go to bed and after two hours pass by my girlfriend still has not returned to our apartment. I call my boss and am like 'what the hell is going on up there'. He responds 'Well I finally talked your girlfriend out of her hysteria...' So I come upstairs (at about 4am) and find a half empty bottle of vodka and know something has gone horribly wrong.

My girlfriend completely blacked out tells me to go f*ck myself and passes out in our bed. Next morning my boss calls me up to his complex to tell me my girlfriend had cheated on me last night with him.

It's been 3 days since that Saturday night and here's where I am currently:

1) I have contacted my culture and management team at work and told them to place me on another team because of a hostile work environment. They were very receiving of my request and I am being transferred tomorrow morning.

2) I have contacted my landlord and asked to be able to sublease my portion of the lease. They were very understanding as well and said that would be OK provided that the person taking up the sublease has the proper credentials.

My question to the community is : Am I overreacting? I have been with my girlfriend for about 2 years...and at work for about 10 months. I am completely out of my mind right now and I just need some direction.
Thanks.

 

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[Forza]

Although your feelings could be over the top, I don't think your actions are are.

There's no way I would want to be working for and living next to a boss who did that. The GF doesn't sound good either.

 

[Russ H]

Horrible situation. Sounds like you're taking it better than I would have.

Best advice I ever heard is: The real you is who you are when no one else is looking.

Think about that, and think about your boss and your gf.

Alcohol doesn't make people do stuff they don't want to do (except, maybe woof their cookies!).

I would not choose a future w/either of these folks. But that's just me.

-Russ H.

PS If you ever happen to find gals (or even just friends) that treat you nice when they're drunk (don't turn on you/berate you), or someone who just gets silly and happy, your life might get a lot easier.

 

[Colbehh]

Wow, you're really taking that like a man. Props for not really going over the deep end.

I think its fair to say that your boss is not a good friend and the girl is not worth your time especially if she acts like that, and you being as cool and collective as you have been with this situation. My suggestion, find some girl who doesn't drink hardly at all. I used to dig the party girls and what not but that always lead me to relationships with much strife in them because many of them became borderline alcoholics. I cut back on the drinking myself and found someone who is more aligned with my personality and life has been much better.

 

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[hatterasguy]

Classic, dump them both.

 

[G_Alexander]

Can't imagine going through something like that, especially when you already dedicated 2 faithful years to her.

You are too far in the relationship for something like this to happen. Did she even apologize? I can't believe she yelled at you some more after cheating on you. And your boss...what a motherfcker.

Your girlfriend is a kniving whore. Sorry to say this about someone who you care about (can't help who you love). But it makes me really angry to see someone treated the way you were treated. You don't deserve it. You shouldn't put up with it.

You did not overreact.

Leave them both.

Good luck brother.

-G Alexander

 

[Roman]

I know how you feel man, I've been cheated on before as well.

you did the right thing, as for right now i would suggest (from my previous experiences)
keep all emotion aside,and think logically.

:groove:

 

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[yveskleinsky]

You seem to be handling the situation a lot more calmly and rationally than most people, and I applaud your level of maturity in doing so. What I don't get about your post is you questioning if you did the right thing. Obviously your old boss wasn't that great of a guy, and obviously your ex-girlfriend is a loser. So my question is why are your questioning whether or not you over reacted? Are you thinking of trying to make up with her?! If you do, you're nuts. Plain nuts. This girl picks fights with you, is a crazy drunk and cares so little that she cheats on you with your boss who lives right upstairs (which seems like a giant F*ck you IMO.) ...I had a general rule of thumb when it came to dating and that was to never date anyone crazier than me. I see a lot of really solid people who date crazies and wonder where they go wrong. I tell ya, look for a girl who can truly be a girl-friend and avoid the ones who are "projects". There's a saying out there that if a guy is looking for a damsel in distress often times he finds a distressed damsel. Life is too short to try and fix other people. ...And don't tell me you love her either, because love is never based on being treated like that. Neediness and co-dependency yes, but love, no. I'm speaking from experience here. I used to seek out the biggest losers and try and fix them. I finally woke up and took 2 years off dating because I needed to clear my head and really outline what I wanted in a guy. I literally wrote it down in a clear way: must want something more for himself, must be good to his mom, must love dogs, must not do drugs, etc. For fun, my friend and I took this list and wrote down the kind of guy we normally dated and read it aloud one night, we were both howling with laughter because it sounded so insane to say outloud! I'm talking like, "In search of a guy who lives at home, has no car and who works a shit job with no intention of ever leaving. If I could pay for everything, including your rent from time-to-time that would be cool too. Oh, and if you love to drink to the point where you crawl to my house and puke all over my porch and make me care for you until dawn, there's nothing that I'd like more. ...Well except maybe if you have a couple of kids by a couple of different women. I love baby mama drama, especially if she's more unstable than you."
Sounds kinda hokey, but I tell ya getting clear in your mind about what you want and don't want is the first step in dating the right type of women/people. Use your checklist, and if a girl doesn't meet the criteria, quit trying to make her fit into it. Doing so is like wearing shoes that are too small--you can do it, you're just in mild to moderate pain all the time.

...You sound like a great guy,just think of it this way: now you have even more clarity as to what you don't want in a girl. Having her craziness hit a new low was a blessing in disguise--now you aren't going to spend anymore time with the wrong girl, 'cause when you're with the wrong one you don't allow room for the right one.

Get her out of the apt., and out of your life. Never look back. You'll be fine--I promise.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Her: Dump her. No apology. No excuses. Be DONE.

Boss: I think you made the right decision to be moved. Try to keep work relationships professional in the future.

Lesson: What did you learn?

BTW I commend you for the way you handled it. As the old say goes ... with friends like these ....

Please keep us posted ... the work thing can get pretty entangled.

 

[RealOG]

I know I will take flack from everyone else, for this comment I am about to make...

It sucks what happened, but you cannot be responsible for the final decisions of others (your friend and your GF).

However, I see this whole mess as at least 50% your fault. Here is why:

1. You let your GF get wasted out of her gourd. Why didnt you tell her to slow down or make some constructive comments to her? You can't force her not to drink, but based on your story it sounds like you just sat back and watched this train wreck unfold.
2. You argued with a drunk girlfriend. This is a big no-no. It took me a while to learn this as well, but as the sober person in the group you need to not take drunken comments personally. Drunk people dont act like themselves, they say things they dont mean and do things they normally wouldnt do. When my wife gets hammered and starts acting a fool, I just cater to it. My guess is you were trying to have a rational argument with the drunk GF. There is absolutely nothing to gain when arguing with a drunk person.
3. You let your drunk GF hang out alone with your drunk friend. Are you frickin kidding me? This one is a recipe for disaster, which you probably know now. Never, ever, ever let your drunk significant other spend prolonged alone time with someone of the opposite sex. You already know they arent thinking rationally.

As far as I am concerned, you, being the only rational and sober one, had a responsibility to avert disaster here and decided to go sleep instead.
:fryingpan:
Okay, enough chastizing. Now for my (alternative) solution:

Do you love your girlfriend? Is this the only thing that has ever been bad in the relationship? It doesnt sound like an isolated incident, but if it was you might want to consider forgiveness. People are apt to make mistakes, especially when they have polished off hald a bottle of vodka. If you think she is otherwise trustworthy, why throw a good relationship away because of a stupid mistake?

Your buddy... this is a similar situation. The guy made a horrible mistake, then tried to own up to it (which I also disagree with, he should have kept his mouth shut - he told you out of guilt). He sounds like a guy who cares about you but made a stupid-dickhead mistake. Its happens. Suggest you guys throw on some boxing gloves and beat the snot out of eachother for a half hour. Its surprising what getting all those emotions out will lead to.

I have been in similar situations as you. I have both chosen to forgive and walked away. I have also been drunk as hell and been close to making mistakes such as your GF. I would suggest you look deeper into your relationship and see if there is something missing that caused the infidelity. People cheat for a reason, so I suggest you figure that issue out first.

Even if you end the relationship with your girl, you will have learned something that will make you a better man for the next.

Good luck, bro. Keep your chin up and chalk this up to a lesson in life. There will be many more to come.

 

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[yveskleinsky]

I agree to some extent with RealOG. There is a difference between a pattern and an event. If everything else is rosy and this behavior is totally left field for her (an event) then maybe consider working through it. If she has a pattern of drinking too much, wanting to argue and eying other guys then hands down move on.

I don't agree with the part of you "letting" her drink too much or cheat on you or whatever. I'm a huge fan of accountability, because you can't be there at every moment of everyday.

...You guys are in the situation where there is no binding commitment there. You aren't married and it sounds like you don't have kids. If this is the case, I'd probably just move on.

 

[John]

I've got to give your boss/friend props for coming to you and telling you what happened. In my opinion that was the right thing to do and took a lot of guts. It doesn't in any way make up for what he did or mean that you should forgive him, but I hope you recognize that he at least did one thing right during this whole sorry episode.

 

[CVentures1B12]

I have to agree with most that has been said already, but I will add my 2 pence.

When it comes to these things and when life kicks you in the teeth (believe me, I have been there) you have to keep on keepin on. Seems like nothing is going to get better and everything you have ever been working for just got flushed down the toilet...but you just have to keep going. People will come and go in your life but YOU are the only one that can ever believe enough in yourself to keep going and reach your goals. It is a wonderful day when you find someone to be there right beside you in your quest, but until then, don't let anything get in your way. I threw away almost a year of my life in self-pity...most wasted time ever. If I had to do it all over again, the thing that would have made me the happiest would have been to keep working at my goals! It will be hard, but you have friends and colleagues that will be there for you. I can't stress enough how much this community helped me out. I hope it helps you as well.
Best,
Josh

 

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[Jill]

First of all, even tho I'm sure it feels like it right now, it's really not the "Worst Situation Ever". Nobody is dead or dying or going to prison for life or the like. Difficult, miserable, unfortunate and unfair situation? Absolutely. I feel for ya.

The one question that I don't think I saw you answer is where your GF is in all this. When she regained equilibrium the next day, did she come clean and apologize? From personal experience, I can tell you that I would NEVER even consider forgiving someone who refused to humbly apologize for a mistake. I might forgive them for my own peace and sanity, but I would NOT want them in my life.

If, on the other hand, the offender fesses up, grovels and commits to making changes in the future so as not to put him/herself in such situations again . . . then I think it would be worth considering.

It sounds like you'll be OK at work, if you wish to stay there. But if he is in a position of authority or even influence, you may want to start looking elsewhere to just get away from the whole situation and move on.

This may turn out to be a great turning point in your life. Keep your minds eye open to that possibility, cuz you can't change what has already happened.

 

[hakrjak]

Any woman that is going to argue with you in public -- Drunk or not (How disrespectful is that?) -- And then is going to get blackout drunk, and vent to another guy about you (Again... Major red flags) -- And top off the night by cheating on you with another guy...... Is not worth your time.

I see a pattern of disrespect towards you from this girl, and that is an impossible pattern to break. Once someone learns that they can disrespect you like that without any consequences, the relationship will only go downhill from there. I hate to sound like a hard a$$, but that's the truth.

The tough thing is that most people choose the same types of partners over and over, so if you're young enough -- You need to take steps to break this pattern right now. If you act like a man, she will treat you like a man. If that takes therapy on your part to improve your self image so that you understand that you truly do deserve someone better, then by all means -- get into therapy. Whatever it takes. One of the most important parts is admitting that you need to make some personal changes. You'll never be successful in relationships or life until you raise your own self esteem to a level that will not permit this BS.

Cheers,

- Hakrjak :Welcome:

 

[kidgas]

Kudos to you for your handling of the situation thus far.

I, like Jill, wonder what your girlfriend's take on this is. What does she remember? To what extent was she a willing participant? If she knew what was happening, that is one thing. If she was coerced, or worse yet forced, to participate that is another thing. Is your boss being a good guy and helping out his friend by telling the truth or is he covering himself? I don't fully get a sense of the whole story based on what I have read thus far.

Obviously, it is a terrible situation. You are definitely to be commended on how you have handle things. I am just wondering her side--maybe she has already shared with you. Best of luck to you.

 

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[juntao65]

I didn't read 2 many posts but. I commend your boss for telling you what he did. If he didn't get it on with her, somebody else would have. Just NEXT the chick and get on with your life.

 

[Hoop]

Are you sure the GF consented? She went in hammered...assumedly helped consume another decent chunk of vodka...and you found her blacked out.

I wonder if this isn't an even bigger problem?

 

[rcardin]

what an intersting situation. Dump the chick and F with the boss. You hold the golden egg over him. It becomes an HR nightmare.

Play the game.

It was a typical guy response that got him into the situation. He is more at fault than her. Use it for your advance. If he really feels bad about it you might manage a promotion, if not use it to your advantage for severance pay.

 

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