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What's Worse than Death?

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WJK

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@Almantas - What is worse that death? From your experience and recent learning lessons if you were to summarize a succinct sentence of whats worse than death, what would it be?
Dying doesn't scare me. Living, without being to care for me, is terrifying.
 

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Almantas

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@Almantas - What is worse that death? From your experience and recent learning lessons if you were to summarize a succinct sentence of whats worse than death, what would it be?

Being a prisoner of my own negative emotions my entire life.
 

ZF Lee

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* Pick one day of the week and go do a big shop in Lidl/Aldi with healthy food only. You only want healthy food in your fridge/presses. I actually have a meal prep company that delivers me meals twice a week so I don't have a choice to eat unhealthy.

* Delete all food delivery apps. The new rule is if you really want the burger, kebab or pizza enough you gotta jump in the car and go collect it (Eliminates about 80% of my orders).
Speaking of healthy meals...
On the flip side, you could actually prep a week's store of cooked (or half-cooked) food on a select day (maybe a weekend), freeze or fridge them up and when the days come, you just take out to reheat and eat quickly.

There's an entire subreddit on that:

It has a stickied guide to start you off with some meal prep basics.

When I was staying by myself (before COVID drove me home), I did MealPrepSunday.

Worked great. I did soups, rice dishes and stews.
Very simple, mostly using a rice cooker or pot.
 

socaldude

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What’s worse than death?

-Probably failing to live up to nature’s purpose of a human being. Failing to imitate nature’s identity and intelligence.

Being a prisoner of my own negative emotions my entire life.

Reminds me of a logical proposition in one of my favorite philosophy books of all time; Spinoza's Ethics.

Proposition 38 Part V
The greater number of things the mind understands by the second and third kinds of knowledge, the less subject it is to emotions that are bad, and the less it fears death.
 

Lyinx

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If you want to control your internet usage (which I really needed)
34470
I cannot stress how awesome it is to use StayFocused and Freedom on the computer.
on my phone (google) I can set distracting apps and the times of the day that I can use it. you can always snooze the app for a bit, but it still haunts you every time that you snooze it, so really helps. I've set mine to not allow internet from 7 am to 11 am (my problem window) and then the rest of the day I usually don't have a problem.

And I'm cheering for ya bud!
 

Almantas

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UPDATE NUMBER THREE
First of all, I would like to send a heartfelt appreciation to all who have already shared wisdom bombs in this thread - some of them I read like 3 times and took notes in order to drill some concepts deeper into my skull. I was expecting some activity in this thread, but I am simply amazed by generosity of this amazing community in terms of advise sharing and support. You all will make this trip a lot more smoother.

Imagine being blind for like 6 years and then all of a sudden wake up with a vision. Imagine not seeing colors for entire 6 years...and then, all of a sudden...seeing all of the amazing colors that surround you. This week was something comparable to this experience. I would personally label it as some form of enlightenment. Although I was aware of the information before, I didn't implement it...don't know why.

Ok, so beginning of week was somewhat tough. Monday and Tuesday I had one joint each evening - I felt upset and somewhat scared of what future will bring me. Felt like swimming across the lake and half-way considering to turn back and swim back to the shore. Until Wednesday...

What happened on Wednesday? I don't know. It was day as usual. Nothing special. It seemed.

I was lying in my bed thinking about my life. Contemplating about my negative emotions and why I am so sad/angry most of the time...I didn't look for answers. I was simply going deeper into myself and all of a sudden - Ding Ding Ding! Like a phone message I had been waiting for all those 6 years...

Most of my negative emotions can be attributed to my PERCEIVED failures in life. In my own terms, I failed to build a scaleable business and instead created a job for myself. In my own terms, I failed to build a body I would be proud of. In my own terms, I failed to find a girlfriend and build a solid foundation for my life. The list goes on and on...all of those PERCEIVED failures were like a rotten tomato still rotting in my mind and soul - I felt jealous of others and constantly mentally terrorized myself for those PERCEIVED failures...which resulted in excessive drinking and then smoking pot in order to lessen emotional pain and stop the bleeding of my soul for some time.

As @JordanK rightly pointed out - As soon as I managed to recharge 5% of my battery I set myself huge goals - I tried to compensate for PERCEIVED failures and lost time by killing my 6 year goals in 1 year...which resulted in extreme collapse. I was cutting my already bleeding soul even deeper. It was an insane lifestyle...constantly contemplating about suicide and feeling like a complete failure.

What I had personally realized, reminded me of our talk in real life with @Andy Black. Andy mentioned how he manages to accomplish big things by approaching situations with a calm and zen-like mindset (If I correctly understood his message). I realized exactly that...I always thought that by taking things in a calm and smooth manner I will be a loser and will not achieve greatness. I was blinded by all those quotes "sleep is for losers", "sleep when you dead", "100x your goals" or "hustle till you collapse".

I realized that in my own case, persistence is crucial. How can I remain persistent every-time I fail to reach my gigantic goals (imagine not being at the gym for a year and going straight to 150kg bench press)? In my case, it was impossible. So, I realized that if I took things smoothly...compounding effect will take care of the rest. Instead of trying to lift that 150kg, I should go to the gym and train gently with a 50kg barbell...eventually weights will increase, bit by bit I will reach that 150kg - and what's the best thing? With every incremental advancement I will feel more confident, happier and overall healthier...

Lessons from the previous week:

  1. By slowing down, I can conserve my mental resources and go much more further in long term. Not to mention added benefits mentioned above.​
  2. Self-love is everything. Even if you moved only an inch further - be proud of that. Concentrate on persistence instead of achieving end goal. Process is a marathon, not a sprint.​
  3. Compounding effect is KING - have you spent entire month looking for product that nets you only €5 a day? How many products would you find in a year? 12. How much would that be? €60 a day and €1'800 a month. Even if you failed to improve product research strategies in one year's time (highly unlikely), you would expand your portfolio by another €1'800 a month - at the end of year two you would make €3'600 PROFIT every single month. I know, your products could be taken by other competitors (highly unlikely if you only make like 50c per product and sell like 10 a day), but this fictional story is only for comparison purposes - what can happen when you apply similar strategy to your life.​
Results from previous week:

  1. In terms of business, I hadn't done much. I just opened a Business Account and did some research. As mentioned, last week was extremely spiritual one - which will be a fuel for the following weeks.​
  2. Resisted temptation of drinking/smoking on Friday - instead, I borrowed a book from my friend about addictions and how to overcome them.​
  3. WENT TO THE GYM! Today is my second day since starting going to the gym. I will follow my own 75-day challenge: going to gym, reading at least 10 pages of non-fictional book a day and following Keto diet without a single bite of junk food.​
  4. Although I indulged in junk food eating Monday and Tuesday, I managed to pick myself up from Wednesday onwards and lost another 2kg. I stand at 118kg now. Should lose roughly 5kg more the following week.​
Results from Friday's workout

34484

Today's workout

34485

Instead of killing myself with weights from day 1 - I applied principles and realizations mentioned above and made a treaty with myself to ONLY go for a walk/jog on a treadmill entire month for 1 hour. I HATE running/walking and don't have patience - therefore, this activity will not only help me lose unnecessary weight, but also strengthen my will and mindset in general. Not to mention the fact that I spend most of the time listening to audiobooks while training - so it's training/education time for me.

Goals for the following week:

  1. Stick to Keto entire week and go to the gym entire time. This should result in dropping another 5kg and reaching a 113kg goal - if I succeed, I will have lost 10kg since starting this tread. Imagine losing a backpack of 10kg you had been carrying out entire time? Will feel amazing.​
  2. Finish Master's project for a customer and submit it on Monday.​
  3. Finish proofreading 2 websites for a customer of mine.​
  4. Prepare my older car for sale and put it online.​
  5. Order parts for my current car and finish the paint work (my friend will do this).​
  6. Finish 40% of my website - Home Page and Terms and Conditions.​
My current goal is to get rid of those small tasks, so to free my mind for the bigger hunting goals - the website I am talking about can literally be my ticket to financial freedom, so it's of utmost importance.

LOVE YOU ALL AND THANKS FOR FOLLOWING/CONTRIBUTING TO MY JOURNEY <3
 
Last edited:

WJK

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Oct 9, 2017
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UPDATE NUMBER THREE
First of all, I would like to send a heartfelt appreciation to all who have already shared wisdom bombs in this thread - some of them I read like 3 times and took notes in order to drill some concepts deeper into my skull. I was expecting some activity in this thread, but I am simply amazed by generosity of this amazing community in terms of advise sharing and support. You all will make this trip a lot more smoother.

Imagine being blind for like 6 years and then all of a sudden wake up with a vision. Imagine not seeing colors for entire 6 years...and then, all of a sudden...seeing all of the amazing colors that surround you. This week was something comparable to this experience. I would personally label it as some form of enlightenment. Although I was aware of the information before, I didn't implement it...don't know why.

Ok, so beginning of week was somewhat tough. Monday and Tuesday I had one joint each evening - I felt upset and somewhat scared of what future will bring me. Felt like swimming across the lake and half-way considering to turn back and swim back to the shore. Until Wednesday...

What happened on Wednesday? I don't know. It was day as usual. Nothing special. It seemed.

I was lying in my bed thinking about my life. Contemplating about my negative emotions and why I am so sad/angry most of the time...I didn't look for answers. I was simply going deeper into myself and all of a sudden - Ding Ding Ding! Like a phone message I had been waiting for all those 6 years...

Most of my negative emotions can be attributed to my PERCEIVED failures in life. In my own terms, I failed to build a scaleable business and instead created a job for myself. In my own terms, I failed to build a body I would be proud of. In my own terms, I failed to find a girlfriend and build a solid foundation for my life. The list goes on and on...all of those PERCEIVED failures were like a rotten tomato still rotting in my mind and soul - I felt jealous of others and constantly mentally terrorized myself for those PERCEIVED failures...which resulted in excessive drinking and then smoking pot in order to lessen emotional pain and stop the bleeding of my soul for some time.

As @JordanK rightly pointed out - As soon as I managed to recharge 5% of my battery I set myself huge goals - I tried to compensate for PERCEIVED failures and lost time by killing my 6 year goals in 1 year...which resulted in extreme collapse. I was cutting my already bleeding soul even deeper. It was an insane lifestyle...constantly contemplating about suicide and feeling like a complete failure.

What I had personally realized, reminded me of our talk in real life with @Andy Black. Andy mentioned how he manages to accomplish big things by approaching situations with a calm and zen-like mindset (If I correctly understood his message). I realized exactly that...I always thought that by taking things in a calm and smooth manner I will be a loser and will not achieve greatness. I was blinded by all those quotes "sleep is for losers", "sleep when you dead", "100x your goals" or "hustle till you collapse".

I realized that in my own case, persistence is crucial. How can I remain persistent every-time I fail to reach my gigantic goals (imagine not being at the gym for a year and going straight to 150kg bench press)? In my case, it was impossible. So, I realized that if I took things smoothly...compounding effect will take care of the rest. Instead of trying to lift that 150kg, I should go to the gym and train gently with a 50kg barbell...eventually weights will increase, bit by bit I will reach that 150kg - and what's the best thing? With every incremental advancement I will feel more confident, happier and overall healthier...

Lessons from the previous week:

  1. By slowing down, I can conserve my mental resources and go much more further in long term. Not to mention added benefits mentioned above.​
  2. Self-love is everything. Even if you moved only an inch further - be proud of that. Concentrate on persistence instead of achieving end goal. Process is a marathon, not a sprint.​
  3. Compounding effect is KING - have you spent entire month looking for product that nets you only €5 a day? How many products would you find in a year? 12. How much would that be? €60 a day and €1'800 a month. Even if you failed to improve product research strategies in one year's time (highly unlikely), you would expand your portfolio by another €1'800 a month - at the end of year two you would make €3'600 PROFIT every single month. I know, your products could be taken by other competitors (highly unlikely if you only make like 50c per product and sell like 10 a day), but this fictional story is only for comparison purposes - what can happen when you apply similar strategy to your life.​
Results from previous week:

  1. In terms of business, I hadn't done much. I just opened a Business Account and did some research. As mentioned, last week was extremely spiritual one - which will be a fuel for the following weeks.​
  2. Resisted temptation of drinking/smoking on Friday - instead, I borrowed a book from my friend about addictions and how to overcome them.​
  3. WENT TO THE GYM! Today is my second day since starting going to the gym. I will follow my own 75-day challenge: going to gym, reading at least 10 pages of non-fictional book a day and following Keto diet without a single bite of junk food.​
  4. Although I indulged in junk food eating Monday and Tuesday, I managed to pick myself up from Wednesday onwards and lost another 2kg. I stand at 118kg now. Should lose roughly 5kg more the following week.​
Results from Friday's workout

View attachment 34484

Today's workout

View attachment 34485

Instead of killing myself with weights from day 1 - I applied principles and realizations mentioned above and made a treaty with myself to ONLY go for a walk/jog on a treadmill entire month for 1 hour. I HATE running/walking and don't have patience - therefore, this activity will not only help me lose unnecessary weight, but also strengthen my will and mindset in general. Not to mention the fact that I spend most of the time listening to audiobooks while training - so it's training/education time for me.

Goals for the following week:

  1. Stick to Keto entire week and go to the gym entire time. This should result in dropping another 5kg and reaching a 113kg goal - if I succeed, I will have lost 10kg since starting this tread. Imagine losing a backpack of 10kg you had been carrying out entire time? Will feel amazing.​
  2. Finish Master's project for a customer and submit it on Monday.​
  3. Finish proofreading 2 websites for a customer of mine.​
  4. Prepare my older car for sale and put it online.​
  5. Order parts for my current car and finish the paint work (my friend will do this).​
  6. Finish 40% of my website - Home Page and Terms and Conditions.​
My current goal is to get rid of those small tasks, so to free my mind for the bigger hunting goals - the website I am talking about can literally be my ticket to financial freedom, so it's of utmost importance.

LOVE YOU ALL AND THANKS FOR FOLLOWING/CONTRIBUTING TO MY JOURNEY <3
Remember, if you slip up, it's not a total failure -- it's being human. Forgive yourself. You can get back on the horse and continue on your journey. Don't quit! You don't have to 100% right to still give yourself an A in your self-imposed routine. Small regular wins add up to be huge accomplishments.
 

sparechange

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Nov 11, 2016
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UPDATE NUMBER THREE
First of all, I would like to send a heartfelt appreciation to all who have already shared wisdom bombs in this thread - some of them I read like 3 times and took notes in order to drill some concepts deeper into my skull. I was expecting some activity in this thread, but I am simply amazed by generosity of this amazing community in terms of advise sharing and support. You all will make this trip a lot more smoother.

Imagine being blind for like 6 years and then all of a sudden wake up with a vision. Imagine not seeing colors for entire 6 years...and then, all of a sudden...seeing all of the amazing colors that surround you. This week was something comparable to this experience. I would personally label it as some form of enlightenment. Although I was aware of the information before, I didn't implement it...don't know why.

Ok, so beginning of week was somewhat tough. Monday and Tuesday I had one joint each evening - I felt upset and somewhat scared of what future will bring me. Felt like swimming across the lake and half-way considering to turn back and swim back to the shore. Until Wednesday...

What happened on Wednesday? I don't know. It was day as usual. Nothing special. It seemed.

I was lying in my bed thinking about my life. Contemplating about my negative emotions and why I am so sad/angry most of the time...I didn't look for answers. I was simply going deeper into myself and all of a sudden - Ding Ding Ding! Like a phone message I had been waiting for all those 6 years...

Most of my negative emotions can be attributed to my PERCEIVED failures in life. In my own terms, I failed to build a scaleable business and instead created a job for myself. In my own terms, I failed to build a body I would be proud of. In my own terms, I failed to find a girlfriend and build a solid foundation for my life. The list goes on and on...all of those PERCEIVED failures were like a rotten tomato still rotting in my mind and soul - I felt jealous of others and constantly mentally terrorized myself for those PERCEIVED failures...which resulted in excessive drinking and then smoking pot in order to lessen emotional pain and stop the bleeding of my soul for some time.

As @JordanK rightly pointed out - As soon as I managed to recharge 5% of my battery I set myself huge goals - I tried to compensate for PERCEIVED failures and lost time by killing my 6 year goals in 1 year...which resulted in extreme collapse. I was cutting my already bleeding soul even deeper. It was an insane lifestyle...constantly contemplating about suicide and feeling like a complete failure.

What I had personally realized, reminded me of our talk in real life with @Andy Black. Andy mentioned how he manages to accomplish big things by approaching situations with a calm and zen-like mindset (If I correctly understood his message). I realized exactly that...I always thought that by taking things in a calm and smooth manner I will be a loser and will not achieve greatness. I was blinded by all those quotes "sleep is for losers", "sleep when you dead", "100x your goals" or "hustle till you collapse".

I realized that in my own case, persistence is crucial. How can I remain persistent every-time I fail to reach my gigantic goals (imagine not being at the gym for a year and going straight to 150kg bench press)? In my case, it was impossible. So, I realized that if I took things smoothly...compounding effect will take care of the rest. Instead of trying to lift that 150kg, I should go to the gym and train gently with a 50kg barbell...eventually weights will increase, bit by bit I will reach that 150kg - and what's the best thing? With every incremental advancement I will feel more confident, happier and overall healthier...

Lessons from the previous week:

  1. By slowing down, I can conserve my mental resources and go much more further in long term. Not to mention added benefits mentioned above.​
  2. Self-love is everything. Even if you moved only an inch further - be proud of that. Concentrate on persistence instead of achieving end goal. Process is a marathon, not a sprint.​
  3. Compounding effect is KING - have you spent entire month looking for product that nets you only €5 a day? How many products would you find in a year? 12. How much would that be? €60 a day and €1'800 a month. Even if you failed to improve product research strategies in one year's time (highly unlikely), you would expand your portfolio by another €1'800 a month - at the end of year two you would make €3'600 PROFIT every single month. I know, your products could be taken by other competitors (highly unlikely if you only make like 50c per product and sell like 10 a day), but this fictional story is only for comparison purposes - what can happen when you apply similar strategy to your life.​
Results from previous week:

  1. In terms of business, I hadn't done much. I just opened a Business Account and did some research. As mentioned, last week was extremely spiritual one - which will be a fuel for the following weeks.​
  2. Resisted temptation of drinking/smoking on Friday - instead, I borrowed a book from my friend about addictions and how to overcome them.​
  3. WENT TO THE GYM! Today is my second day since starting going to the gym. I will follow my own 75-day challenge: going to gym, reading at least 10 pages of non-fictional book a day and following Keto diet without a single bite of junk food.​
  4. Although I indulged in junk food eating Monday and Tuesday, I managed to pick myself up from Wednesday onwards and lost another 2kg. I stand at 118kg now. Should lose roughly 5kg more the following week.​
Results from Friday's workout

View attachment 34484

Today's workout

View attachment 34485

Instead of killing myself with weights from day 1 - I applied principles and realizations mentioned above and made a treaty with myself to ONLY go for a walk/jog on a treadmill entire month for 1 hour. I HATE running/walking and don't have patience - therefore, this activity will not only help me lose unnecessary weight, but also strengthen my will and mindset in general. Not to mention the fact that I spend most of the time listening to audiobooks while training - so it's training/education time for me.

Goals for the following week:

  1. Stick to Keto entire week and go to the gym entire time. This should result in dropping another 5kg and reaching a 113kg goal - if I succeed, I will have lost 10kg since starting this tread. Imagine losing a backpack of 10kg you had been carrying out entire time? Will feel amazing.​
  2. Finish Master's project for a customer and submit it on Monday.​
  3. Finish proofreading 2 websites for a customer of mine.​
  4. Prepare my older car for sale and put it online.​
  5. Order parts for my current car and finish the paint work (my friend will do this).​
  6. Finish 40% of my website - Home Page and Terms and Conditions.​
My current goal is to get rid of those small tasks, so to free my mind for the bigger hunting goals - the website I am talking about can literally be my ticket to financial freedom, so it's of utmost importance.

LOVE YOU ALL AND THANKS FOR FOLLOWING/CONTRIBUTING TO MY JOURNEY <3


My advice on the fitness stuff (I just lost around 40 pounds) is don't be so strict on your diet, I know it sounds crazy but you will drive yourself insane without your usual eating habits. Don't go cold turkey and start making massive changes all of a sudden, it might work for some, but for us normal fat people food is to dam good. Instead look into intermittent fasting, personally I just skip breakfast and it's been quite helpful actually doing workouts on an empty stomach, might take you some time to get to that point, sometimes it makes me feel nauseous myself.

And don't go crazy with the gym stuff otherwise you will burn yourself out, 2-3x a week is all you need unless you are one of those people that enjoys the grind. I eat like total crap and still managed to drop a ton of weight, just wanted to throw that out there. It'll also be alot more fun if you start mountain biking or playing some sports instead of the gym thing.

Absolutely take a vow to not drink, booze alters all those fancy chemicals in your brain which I'd bet my life savings on is the root of all your negative emotions. While I'm not a drinker and consider myself a happy go lucky person, having a bottle of wine makes me question the purpose of even getting up the morning after.

If such a vow is a problem for you, then at the very least promise yourself to maybe a small portion set aside on the weekend as a ''toast'' and celebration to all the goals you've achieved for the week.

Try to cut out sugar slowly aswell, it can spike your dopamine levels up and cause you to crash, also if you drink coffee cut that out completely aswell, caffeine is a horrible drug.

Still feeling down?? Starve yourself for a whole day and visit your local homeless shelter, go eat there with all the broken souls there and listen to their stories, some people say not to compare yourself to others as it's the thief of joy, but I disagree.

All the best!
 
Last edited:

Almantas

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UPDATE NUMBER FOUR
If anyone had told me four weeks ago (prior to commencing this thread) that I would feel the way I feel now, if I followed certain actions - I would have ignored them at best. Although it seems like a short amount of time, changes are insane. For some, this update will sound a bit too religious - having promised complete transparency, I will proceed.

As indicated in my previous updates, Update Number One, Two and even to some extent Three were relatively turbulent. It was extremely uncomfortable. Felt unnatural. This week, something very strange had happened. Last Sunday, I was lying on my bed and contemplating about the purpose of my life...I knew I am finally on the right track, but felt lost in many ways. I am not religious in a traditional way, but believe there's a source of energy up there, which is part of us - as weird as it sounds, I also believe that our thoughts transfer some form of a frequency, which that 'energy form from above' understands in some way. I told you, it will get crazy. So, lying on my bed, I closed my eyes and from a deepest part of my heart sent a 'thought message' straight up there, directly to that energy form, some people call God. I didn't ask to make things easy - I simply asked to provide me with tools, so I can strengthen myself emotionally, spiritually, physically...I want to become someone I couldn't have dreamed of becoming. In exchange, I promised to assist that 'source of energy' here on earth in any way I could - In order to do so, I asked to send me any sort of a message that my assistance is needed and I will do my best to make it happen.

I BELIEVED 100% that transaction was made. In some strange way, I felt relieved. Assured. I hit the sack and...next morning woke up at 7am extremely motivated. Ok, I started completing tasks I had delayed in the past - during that day I performed like 200/300% better than when I was depressed... Tuesday was similar - woke up at like 6:30 and completed insane amount of work (comparing to what I could have done like 4 weeks ago), Wednesday as well...Thursday - I completed almost entire week's work in that single day! Friday...again...insane performance. And what's the best part? Although I still feel those negative emotions from time to time - jealousy, comparing myself to others, etc. - every time such emotion starts polluting my mind, 'something' smoothly eliminates it from my mind and changes it into something positive...it's weird...very weird. I don't know maybe it's related to changes in diet, routine, etc. - I know only one thing for sure - it's awesome!

I'm no David Goggins yet, but I had just started crawling out of my death bed. So, I wouldn't compare his current progress with my recovery. Instead, I compare me with myself and look at guys like Goggins and other performance athletes for inspiration and motivation. I know I will get there sooner rather than later. I feel like that Lambo handbrake (mentioned in previous threads) is finally down.

Accomplishments from a previous week:

1. Completed like 70% of client orders that were due in a very short amount of time.
2. Created multiple posters and business cards for my freelance research and copy-writing business.
3. Registered a new business name that correlates to my brand (main business).
4. Went to gym 5 days - each session consisted of more than one hour of jogging, more than 500kcals burned each session.
5. No junk food entire week.
6. Currently stand at 115kg - Lost about 10kg since starting this thread.

Goals for the following week:

1. Complete x2 business plans (for clients).
2. Complete entire website from scratch (for a client).
3. Complete any small gigs I get (no more waiting times).
4. Go to gym at least 5 days a week.
5. Stick to Keto diet all week.
6. Wake-up at 6:30 every single morning - this is one of the biggest challenges.

IMPORTANT: I would like to appreciate everyone for contributing to this thread. Although I do not reply to each and every of you, I take detailed notes and feel extremely thrilled knowing so many of you share your personal experiences and suggestions of what may help me. I take detailed notes, experiment and then decide what works best. So, HUGE THANK YOU!

LESS IMPORTANT: Apologies for lack of structure and some grammatical errors, I never edit my posts, unless it involves structured arguments, which then require double and triple-checking. As long as you get my message - it's all that I care about!

Love you all ;)
 
Last edited:

LordGanon

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That sounds great! By the way, I also learned something over the last few weeks. I really have to work on myself, success more or less follows. All those negative thoughts and feelings of failure are all too familiar to me. But when I started working out again and watched my diet (plus kicked ALL the recreational drugs and alcohol, been sober for more than half a year, again), things started falling into place again. Mindset changed by itself, outlook on life corrected, motivation and energy was plenty, mood improved massively. So actually working on MYSELF and not ON THE NEXT THING THAT IS DEFINITELY GOING TO CHANGE MY LIFE is probably the way to go. It's been said so often and regurgitating it makes me want to throw up, but it is actually true: If you want to change the world, start by changing yourself.
 

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WJK

Platinum Contributor
Speedway Pass
Oct 9, 2017
1,184
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657
Nikiski, Alaska
UPDATE NUMBER FOUR
If anyone had told me four weeks ago (prior to commencing this thread) that I would feel the way I feel now, if I followed certain actions - I would have ignored them at best. Although it seems like a short amount of time, changes are insane. For some, this update will sound a bit too religious - having promised complete transparency, I will proceed.

As indicated in my previous updates, Update Number One, Two and even to some extent Three were relatively turbulent. It was extremely uncomfortable. Felt unnatural. This week, something very strange had happened. Last Sunday, I was lying on my bed and contemplating about the purpose of my life...I knew I am finally on the right track, but felt lost in many ways. I am not religious in a traditional way, but believe there's a source of energy up there, which is part of us - as weird as it sounds, I also believe that our thoughts transfer some form of a frequency, which that 'energy form from above' understands in some way. I told you, it will get crazy. So, lying on my bed, I closed my eyes and from a deepest part of my heart sent a 'thought message' straight up there, directly to that energy form, some people call God. I didn't ask to make things easy - I simply asked to provide me with tools, so I can strengthen myself emotionally, spiritually, physically...I want to become someone I couldn't have dreamed of becoming. In exchange, I promised to assist that 'source of energy' here on earth in any way I could - In order to do so, I asked to send me any sort of a message that my assistance is needed and I will do my best to make it happen.

I BELIEVED 100% that transaction was made. In some strange way, I felt relieved. Assured. I hit the sack and...next morning woke up at 7am extremely motivated. Ok, I started completing tasks I had delayed in the past - during that day I performed like 200/300% better than when I was depressed... Tuesday was similar - woke up at like 6:30 and completed insane amount of work (comparing to what I could have done like 4 weeks ago), Wednesday as well...Thursday - I completed almost entire week's work in that single day! Friday...again...insane performance. And what's the best part? Although I still feel those negative emotions from time to time - jealousy, comparing myself to others, etc. - every time such emotion starts polluting my mind, 'something' smoothly eliminates it from my mind and changes it into something positive...it's weird...very weird. I don't know maybe it's related to changes in diet, routine, etc. - I know only one thing for sure - it's awesome!

I'm no David Goggins yet, but I had just started crawling out of my death bed. So, I wouldn't compare his current progress with my recovery. Instead, I compare me with myself and look at guys like Goggins and other performance athletes for inspiration and motivation. I know I will get there sooner rather than later. I feel like that Lambo handbrake (mentioned in previous threads) is finally down.

Accomplishments from a previous week:

1. Completed like 70% of client orders that were due in a very short amount of time.
2. Created multiple posters and business cards for my freelance research and copy-writing business.
3. Registered a new business name that correlates to my brand (main business).
4. Went to gym 5 days - each session consisted of more than one hour of jogging, more than 500kcals burned each session.
5. No junk food entire week.
6. Currently stand at 115kg - Lost about 10kg since starting this thread.

Goals for the following week:

1. Complete x2 business plans (for clients).
2. Complete entire website from scratch (for a client).
3. Complete any small gigs I get (no more waiting times).
4. Go to gym at least 5 days a week.
5. Stick to Keto diet all week.
6. Wake-up at 6:30 every single morning - this is one of the biggest challenges.

IMPORTANT: I would like to appreciate everyone for contributing to this thread. Although I do not reply to each and every of you, I take detailed notes and feel extremely thrilled knowing so many of you share your personal experiences and suggestions of what may help me. I take detailed notes, experiment and then decide what works best. So, HUGE THANK YOU!

LESS IMPORTANT: Apologies for lack of structure and some grammatical errors, I never edit my posts, unless it involves structured arguments, which then require double and triple-checking. As long as you get my message - it's all that I care about!

Love you all ;)
Now, build in some quiet moments and breaks in your day so you don't burn out... Sprint and rest. Sprint and rest...
 

Almantas

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UPDATE NUMBER FIVE
From now on, I will try to make my updates a bit more structured, so they are easier to follow. First, I will begin my revealing how many goals I reached, then lessons learned and finally goals for the next week. I will try to keep my updates as short and packed with information as possible.

Goals Reached:
4 out of 6 - which is super good, considering the fact that I am a recovering chronic procrastinator. I completed 2 business plans, entire website from scratch, all small gigs and followed Keto without a single cheat meal - ok, I had a glass of wine at my friend's house - but temptation to drink MORE is no longer there. I simply drank a glass of red wine with a red meat and that's it.

Lessons Learned:

Due to lack of self-esteem and desire to make everything PERFECT I had struggled with procrastination for a very long time. Every time I crawled out of my comfort zone and completed projects for various customers, I charged literally 50-70% less than the same quality service normally deserves. Multiple customers asked me why I charge so little for such a good quality. For instance, I write business plans for like €400 and created a website for a cleaning company for €300 yesterday - which is packed with many features, photos, so on and so on. I sent website requirements to local Web Dev company and the price was something in the range of 600 - 1000. I still charge minimal prices with an excuse that I will get out of my comfort zone and begin charging more.

This lack of self-esteem and perfectionism resulted in procrastinating to build a real business for like 5 years. Instead, I built a job that is made up of multiple small gigs for which I charge very little. Yes, I make a living, I pay for my rent/food and other expenses and I managed to save like 20/30k as well. BUT, I have 0 satisfaction in doing what I am doing - deep down inside, I know I am capable of much more and DESIRE to build a solid business instead of floating with small fish and little crumbles - in fact, multiple entrepreneur friends pointed this out to me, saying with my capabilities and skills, I should be running a big company already and not toying around with small gigs and customers who rarely value what they get. I take it as a compliment and continue my crumble hunting process.

So, this thread will be more than just a recovery from depression. In this progress thread I will also track progress of building a business. I will still do these small gigs on the side, so to make money for living, but I will begin shifting my focus and concentration on building a business, which would make me feel good about myself, help me fill a void in the market and make money for proper lifestyle. The priority at this stage is to feel good - every day I work on that business creation (e.g. creating a website), it feels so good - deep down somehow I know that this is what I should be doing. Hard to explain.

Another small one - DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF 10 TIMES A DAY. Really, I always check my weight. When I wake up, go to bed and even after some toilet sessions :rofl:. In some cases I even weigh more in the evening than in the morning - it's mind boggling. Instead, weigh yourself once a week. Or even better, forget weight and start measuring yourself - this is the best way to track weight loss in my opinion. If you are lifting weights or even running - muscle replaces fat and knowing that muscle weighs more than fat it doesn't come as a surprise that scales doesn't show a big difference - measurements do.

Following Week Goals:

1. Complete website for my business (it doesn't matter if I forget a comma somewhere, I am pretty sure many websites are not GODLY PERFECT. It's time to start. No more analysis-paralysis BS).

2. Create Facebook account for my business (instead of going after 10 channels, I will use one).

3. Open a Business Account (used personal previously).

4. Stick to Keto diet and go to gym at least 4 times a week.

5. Begin meditating.

Instead of terrorizing and blaming myself for all PERCEIVED loses due to inaction, I now take things smoothly, but consistently. I no longer set myself 100 goals a week in order to punish myself. I treat myself as my own best friend and going step by step towards happiness. In fact, I never believed that I will accomplish so much in less than a month - BY GOING SLOWER.

Thanks for following <3



 
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LordGanon

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Hahahaha! I know that problem with running from gig to gig.

When I got my new business license, I had a funny moment. When we apply for a business license, we have to tell them everything we plan to do or have to pay a fine when they find out.

So I was sitting there, telling the lady from the city what my business is about...and the list becomes longer...and longer...and longer...

At some point, she stops typing, raises an eyebrow and says with a stern voice: "Seems to me like you're a man of many talents."

And I answer: "While that is true, Madam, it is also true that I don't want to pay a fine whenever I'm moving a piano to pay rent instead of programming computers. These are tough times."
 

Fiftytwos

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I just read through your whole thread and want to say I'm so proud of you! You're doing tremendous work on your mindset which is doing wonders for you in all departments! Your self talk has changed a lot from when you first started this thread, and its reflective of the changes you're making! Keep up the great work, you're building so much momentum that now you won't stop making more and more positive change. I'm looking forward to seeing more of your progress soon. Small consistent action every day far outweighs big one time actions with no follow up ;).
 

WJK

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I just read through your whole thread and want to say I'm so proud of you! You're doing tremendous work on your mindset which is doing wonders for you in all departments! Your self talk has changed a lot from when you first started this thread, and its reflective of the changes you're making! Keep up the great work, you're building so much momentum that now you won't stop making more and more positive change. I'm looking forward to seeing more of your progress soon. Small consistent action every day far outweighs big one time actions with no follow up ;).
I sure agree with, "Small consistent action every day far outweighs big one time actions with no follow up". Those consistent actions are also known as habits. It's not just actions -- it also includes thought patterns & paradigms. Those daily habits either make or break your life.
 

Almantas

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UPDATE NUMBER FIVE
This week was somewhat chaotic in terms of workload - I wasn't able to work on my business at all due to a relatively high workload coming from various gigs. Although they are my source of income at the moment, something deep down inside of me feels very bad and even depressed - feeling as if I am getting too distracted by following breadcrumbs. Difficult to explain in proper terms.

Goals Reached:

1/5 - on the surface it looks as if I have performance issues, which is not completely true. Instead, although I set goals which I honestly intend to follow - I get too distracted by side-gigs coming from various clients (I do not advertise my services anymore). Also, I religiously followed keto diet and went to gym 5 times a week - I lost another few KGs and measurements from all over the body, such as waist, hips and so on. In terms of confidence levels, I am feeling a bit better than the previous week, which is great.

Lessons Learned:

I plan a lot and strategize yet don't have a solid schedule. I still wake up whenever (about 7-ish AM) and do whatever tasks drop on my desk. This lack of structure in my life is literally killing me. Although I make plans to execute on my business, always something gets in my way and I get distracted. This is a good thing, as I make some money - this provides peace of mind knowing I am generating income. Yet, its cost could be a lot bigger in terms of lost opportunities by ignoring my main business and potential financial and emotional benefits it could deliver.

So, having proper schedule is of a critical importance - yet being flexible is also important. So, I have to somehow work out a solution for following a strict schedule yet being flexible when it comes to small gigs that require a small chunk of my daily time.

Another big thing - I always request a payment for a work completed AFTER it is delivered to the customer. I have been operating like this for almost two years now - initially, I had an excuse - most people didn't know me, so I had to take risks in order to build credibility. Now, most customers come from referrals, yet I am still following the same strategy. What's wrong with this? A LOT. I pour my heart and soul into each gig and most customers have to be chased for payment - c'mon it takes you 4 days to check a damn e-mail? You forgot to make a payment? What else? An alien abduction? Sure, money matters a lot - but with every lie and missed payment I feel as if my soul is being torn apart...I feel terrible, I know I should work on controlling this - yet better solution would be to simply take a deposit or a full payment for smaller gigs - something I will implement from next week onwards.

Another big thing - my pricing is still the same as it was two years ago when the quality of my work was much lower. Many clients ask me why I am underpricing and undervaluing myself. It's because of lack of self-esteem and belief that I am not worth much. This sucks. Terribly. This results in being hesitant when it comes to requesting an up-front payment and raising my prices slightly, so it corresponds to the value customers get. A slight 10/20% raise in pricing could in fact result in more customers, as people tend to think higher pricing relates to higher quality - this could be my marketing tool in itself then.

As a result of missed update, I am not going to set following week's goals - I will post an update from the previous week in a minute. It would feel weird setting goals, knowing how my previous week went, lol. Following update will be one of my toughest so far.
 
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Almantas

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UPDATE NUMBER SIX
OH HOLY COWS! THIS WEEK WAS A WAR!!! I was emotionally bleeding. Terribly. This week I learned how strong my attachment issues are. It will sound weird and some of you will probably laugh, but I don't care - my updates will be transparent as hell. So, I met a girl. We spent two nights together and had a great time - she felt amazing so did I. We still communicate and will meet again. Sounds good, doesn't it?

I met her on Sunday afternoon and she went back to her town on Tuesday. It's normal. She has a life and two kids, so do I. But it felt terrible. I felt as I was kicked back to my childhood when my mom had to leave me alone at home when I was just 4 so she could work in a shop and make money for survival. I was literally staying at home from the time I woke up to like 9PM. Yes, sometimes she got back for a minute or two during lunch, but that was it. It was just me, a few toys I had and constant feeling of abandonment and seas of tears and fear when it came to dark, evening time. Every time my mom left work work I was crying my eyes out. It was a TERRIBLE experience. I felt somewhat similar now when this woman left me.

Of course, I didn't show it to her - I acted all cool and tough. But from Tuesday onwards I slided into deep emotional pain. Add to this keto flu (when staying with her I had few cheat meals and some alcoholic drinks as well) and you can get a gist of my nightmare. Keto flu used to be my biggest fear - dizziness, insomnia, poor mood and so on - however, compared to the feeling of 'abandonment' it is just a walk in a rosy garden. I couldn't concentrate on ANYTHING until like Friday.

I am 28, this woman is 34. She is mature, supportive and interesting. Oh, and great in bed, lol. I don't want to lose her yet want to somehow get out of my childhood state - this is not healthy at all and could jeopardize our relationship. I have to work on this. Quickly. Back in a childhood I placed a small innocent seed, which had grown into a ten metre oak that casts a shadow on a sun. I have to chop it down and bring its roots out. If any of you have any suggestions or personal experiences - I am looking forward to them.

The structure of this week differs - there were no goals roached or new goals set for the next week. I am completely drained out in terms of energy - don't wanna put more pressure on my psyche. I will slowly work on my tasks, bit-by-bit so to gain momentum. The most important thing was to get out of this emotional hurricane - this had happened few times in the past, which resulted in months of smoking weed, procrastination and self-sabotage. This time is different, although I felt VERY bad - I gave myself permission to take a break few days and reboot. Today I completed a good few gigs, have no orders breathing to my neck (no pressure) and even went to the gym.

I hope to get back into my proper self and will update on the progress next week.

Thanks for following, family <3
 

Lyinx

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one goal setting tip that I discovered (my dads advice actually) was on a certain project that I'm working on...

he said...

can you set aside your first two hours of the day for that job? (it's a long-term job that will take about 100 hours this year)

Now, I come into the office, look over projects quickly, send any quick things over to the next person... and then set a timer for two hours. It's very important to set the timer for two hours.. we have a big industrial kitchen timer. it sets about 8 " high by 8" wide on my desk, so anybody that walks in knows that I'm working on that project.

Try it, and let me know how it works for you :)
 

WJK

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UPDATE NUMBER SIX
OH HOLY COWS! THIS WEEK WAS A WAR!!! I was emotionally bleeding. Terribly. This week I learned how strong my attachment issues are. It will sound weird and some of you will probably laugh, but I don't care - my updates will be transparent as hell. So, I met a girl. We spent two nights together and had a great time - she felt amazing so did I. We still communicate and will meet again. Sounds good, doesn't it?

I met her on Sunday afternoon and she went back to her town on Tuesday. It's normal. She has a life and two kids, so do I. But it felt terrible. I felt as I was kicked back to my childhood when my mom had to leave me alone at home when I was just 4 so she could work in a shop and make money for survival. I was literally staying at home from the time I woke up to like 9PM. Yes, sometimes she got back for a minute or two during lunch, but that was it. It was just me, a few toys I had and constant feeling of abandonment and seas of tears and fear when it came to dark, evening time. Every time my mom left work work I was crying my eyes out. It was a TERRIBLE experience. I felt somewhat similar now when this woman left me.

Of course, I didn't show it to her - I acted all cool and tough. But from Tuesday onwards I slided into deep emotional pain. Add to this keto flu (when staying with her I had few cheat meals and some alcoholic drinks as well) and you can get a gist of my nightmare. Keto flu used to be my biggest fear - dizziness, insomnia, poor mood and so on - however, compared to the feeling of 'abandonment' it is just a walk in a rosy garden. I couldn't concentrate on ANYTHING until like Friday.

I am 28, this woman is 34. She is mature, supportive and interesting. Oh, and great in bed, lol. I don't want to lose her yet want to somehow get out of my childhood state - this is not healthy at all and could jeopardize our relationship. I have to work on this. Quickly. Back in a childhood I placed a small innocent seed, which had grown into a ten metre oak that casts a shadow on a sun. I have to chop it down and bring its roots out. If any of you have any suggestions or personal experiences - I am looking forward to them.

The structure of this week differs - there were no goals roached or new goals set for the next week. I am completely drained out in terms of energy - don't wanna put more pressure on my psyche. I will slowly work on my tasks, bit-by-bit so to gain momentum. The most important thing was to get out of this emotional hurricane - this had happened few times in the past, which resulted in months of smoking weed, procrastination and self-sabotage. This time is different, although I felt VERY bad - I gave myself permission to take a break few days and reboot. Today I completed a good few gigs, have no orders breathing to my neck (no pressure) and even went to the gym.

I hope to get back into my proper self and will update on the progress next week.

Thanks for following, family <3
So, you found one of your unlying issues -- and I'm sure that there are more issues than the one you've identified. Good for you. Deal with this one front and center. Now you can look at it, turn it over to find another angle on it, and then deal with it.

EVERYONE has issues that trigger them. You're human. Forgive yourself.

Your challenge is to learn how to deal with those feeling from an adult's perspective rather than a child's. Maybe you can find your strength through being a survivor of a difficult childhood. There are a lot of us out there. Without my difficult childhood, I wouldn't be so strong and determined. I learned to be self-reliant. I learned to work and I've worked just about every day since I was 11 years old. I learned a lot about how the world works. What did you learn? Did you learn to amuse yourself without being entertained by an adult? Did you learn how to be alone with yourself? Are you a self-directed person and fiercely independent? Can you survive and carry on even when you feel bad? Did you learn to be your own best friend? Think about it. You may find out that your rough beginning is your greatest strength!

Keep on keeping on... Every day that you carry on with your life is a win.
 

BellaPippin

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HERE COMES THE THERAPY TRAIN, CHOO CHOO~

Go to therapy. You've got all I had, plus the alcohol. I never got there, instead I skipped straight to suicidal ideation. I'm gonna happily say I'm in remission, though idk how long it is to be "official". It's been 7 weeks according to my doctor with stable updates. Like you, I'm always high functioning, I myself only know what happens when I have a crisis. It stays behind doors. It's ugly. Uuuugly. Here's the reason. Just like me, you have the self-awareness, and you have the introspection to work things out. HOWEVER. It plays against you because like you said you have unresolved issues that pretty much tint your view of the world around you. On the science end, all your thoughts are second nature and are carved like my hair side part.

The following is a bit of an hyperbole but all these goals and accountability and trying to be productive and basing your worth based on how many things you cross out doesn't treat the root of the problem.

Your number #1 mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go tell all these things to a professional counselor and have your thoughts challenged, over and over and over again, each session.

You say "I didn't get to do this/I've remembered the horrible thought of people leaving me/I skipped gym today"

And they answer "but what did you accomplish today?" "what did your support system told you?"

"Meh I did one business plan" "They told me to take it easy, eat healthy" - you say.

"One business plan? Was the client happy?"

"Yes"

"Then why are you thinking about what you didn't accomplish?

The 50th time thoughts get challenged something starts to sink in, and your pattern of thoughts start opening up. I can't make justice to my experience of going in and having every f*cking thing I complained or felt bad about rebutted, and instead being reminded of all the things I've done well so far. It's cool to make lists yourself and stuff but there's something about it when you go and they're like "dude, you did this, this, and this...do you know how awesome that is? do you know how many people can't even write a resume?" They take the shitty sunglasses off and put you right there with everyone. Just as worthy, just as lovable, just because you exist. And to top it off, a swift reminder of all the things you've done well, that you obviously don't think about bc your brain prefers to think like a douche.


I highly encourage you to compliment what you are doing to go just talk about the week to a therapist. You won't regret it. It's the tool you're missing, no joke. I used to do once a week/twice a month depending on mood at first, last few months I'm down to one a month, maybe one every other month. My journaling/regular brain dump helps a lot and my negative self talk is controlled.

Don't get me wrong, I'm kind of a volcano person, but as long as the negative self talk is controlled, the whole thing is controlled.
 

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ZF Lee

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This week was somewhat chaotic in terms of workload - I wasn't able to work on my business at all due to a relatively high workload coming from various gigs. Although they are my source of income at the moment, something deep down inside of me feels very bad and even depressed - feeling as if I am getting too distracted by following breadcrumbs. Difficult to explain in proper terms.
Yeah, whenever client work bends me over, I look back to see if:

-my current research and work processes are methodical enough- that can be done whether or not I feel happy or sad

-I have qualified/disqualified my clients well enough (e.g. I DO NOT write sales copy for clients without existing sales or a list), so I end up with a small, but high-quality pool of jobs

-I have side-time to take a break.
For certain jobs reliant on the mind, like writing and design, having time to take breaks and read up on your industry IS MANDATORY.

Your brain needs the off-time to process and connect the dots in ways active thinking alone can't provide for. There's a reason why classic copywriters like John Carlton actually recommend having side hobbies and breaks in between writing.

So you might have to start saying 'no' to some clients, and inform them when you have available slots for consults and work-time.


I'm surprised that freelancers RARELY inform their clientele on their available time slots-even on a regular basis. In the offline world, it's regular for businesses like barbers and restaurants to inform folks of available time slots-but it's apparently not common-sense for online workers.

You can also see this as a sign that you should start hiring work out- but that's another story.

Hopefully that will help clear some leeway on work.

- I get too distracted by side-gigs coming from various clients (I do not advertise my services anymore)
As long they are related to ongoing major projects with the EXISTING clients, you can take them.

But if they are new projects altogether, you have to consider them as separate scopes to be billed separately and pushed off down the wait-line.

Priorities.

Structuring services packages in the first place can help, so that the client doesn't go overboard with the requests:

Offer three-tiers of service packages to choose from, with recurring productivized projects.

I've tried offering this mode AFTER doing regular project-basis work with clients, but after lots of crap, I'm agreeable towards offering the three-tier service package approach from Day 1 for new prospects.

Another big thing - I always request a payment for a work completed AFTER it is delivered to the customer. I have been operating like this for almost two years now - initially, I had an excuse - most people didn't know me, so I had to take risks in order to build credibility. Now, most customers come from referrals, yet I am still following the same strategy. What's wrong with this? A LOT. I pour my heart and soul into each gig and most customers have to be chased for payment - c'mon it takes you 4 days to check a damn e-mail? You forgot to make a payment? What else? An alien abduction? Sure, money matters a lot - but with every lie and missed payment I feel as if my soul is being torn apart...I feel terrible, I know I should work on controlling this - yet better solution would be to simply take a deposit or a full payment for smaller gigs - something I will implement from next week onwards.
Here's what I do:

For big projects that take several days or weeks, I usually take an upfront fee of 40%.
I hear some tougher freelancers take up to 50% or even 100%!
I make it non-refundable- I know I can do the necessary work to get folks copy that doesn't suck.

Some folks think you have to put a refundable clause, but IMO, refundable clauses can give excuses to clients to not value your service as much.

Don't forget to set it in stone on your contract.
(Lots of freelancer MISS OUT mentioning what is refundable, and what isn't!)

You can use invoice-software (like Wave...I believe you can even use PayPal for that too) to send invoices to your clients, with subsequent reminders (automated) for every unpaid day or week.


To 'motivate' folks to pay on time, you can set penalty-clauses to fine them by an extra 100% or so for late payments. Let them know upfront before you start any work. If they continue not to pay, or even pay the fines, then you can go for legal action (very unlikely) or blacklist them. ;)

I've tried that, no worries- and no client (even shitty ones) has EVER triggered the penalty-clauses for late payment. I do give them a grace-period of 2-4 days, and they usually pay by then, once my Wave reminder hits their inbox!

For small projects that can just take 1 day or 4 hours to finish
(depending on how much editing you'd do), you can just charge 100% upon final-draft agreement.

BTW, I learned lots of these stuff from Jacob McMillen.
He not only teaches copywriting in an 'ultimate guide' matter, but he also explains the business-side of it very succinctly.

He has a paid course which laid out lots of insane nuggets for me (I grabbed it), but the blog posts are also one-of-a-kind.

OH HOLY COWS! THIS WEEK WAS A WAR!!! I was emotionally bleeding. Terribly. This week I learned how strong my attachment issues are. It will sound weird and some of you will probably laugh, but I don't care - my updates will be transparent as hell. So, I met a girl. We spent two nights together and had a great time - she felt amazing so did I. We still communicate and will meet again. Sounds good, doesn't it?

I met her on Sunday afternoon and she went back to her town on Tuesday. It's normal. She has a life and two kids, so do I. But it felt terrible. I felt as I was kicked back to my childhood when my mom had to leave me alone at home when I was just 4 so she could work in a shop and make money for survival. I was literally staying at home from the time I woke up to like 9PM. Yes, sometimes she got back for a minute or two during lunch, but that was it. It was just me, a few toys I had and constant feeling of abandonment and seas of tears and fear when it came to dark, evening time. Every time my mom left work work I was crying my eyes out. It was a TERRIBLE experience. I felt somewhat similar now when this woman left me.

Of course, I didn't show it to her - I acted all cool and tough. But from Tuesday onwards I slided into deep emotional pain. Add to this keto flu (when staying with her I had few cheat meals and some alcoholic drinks as well) and you can get a gist of my nightmare. Keto flu used to be my biggest fear - dizziness, insomnia, poor mood and so on - however, compared to the feeling of 'abandonment' it is just a walk in a rosy garden. I couldn't concentrate on ANYTHING until like Friday.

I am 28, this woman is 34. She is mature, supportive and interesting. Oh, and great in bed, lol. I don't want to lose her yet want to somehow get out of my childhood state - this is not healthy at all and could jeopardize our relationship. I have to work on this. Quickly. Back in a childhood I placed a small innocent seed, which had grown into a ten metre oak that casts a shadow on a sun. I have to chop it down and bring its roots out. If any of you have any suggestions or personal experiences - I am looking forward to them.
Thanks for sharing!
I've also had these issues...I'm a 'mummy's boy' of sorts haha.

I think it's normal to miss a loved one, even when they just leave you for a few hours.

If this lady is as mature as you say she is, then she left (for a while) for good purposes- to fulfill her responsibilities, to learn and to grow, so she has more to give to her loved ones-especially you.

Many years ago, I wanted to follow a girl into college-I also didn't want to leave her.
But if I clung onto her, in her classes and in her meetups with friends?

She'd never get to join college clubs and make the most out of herself.
And I would never find TFLF and choose my current freelancing pathway.

But you can always find ways to invite her to integrate you into her important works.

Keep regular meetings with the lady.
Discuss deeply during those sessions on life and work.
Offer help as much as you can- and see if she can eventually include you in some of her vital works.

And from there, could it grow onwards into something big?
We'll see...

EDIT: BTW, it's not too different from business or clientele relationships.
From that context, if a client was clinging to me 24/7, I'd be wondering, 'Does he have no work to do on his end?'
But if the client had his own business activities, and arrived on time for scheduled calls- with great insights and interesting challenges? Now, that's a client worth keeping!

This time is different, although I felt VERY bad - I gave myself permission to take a break few days and reboot. Today I completed a good few gigs, have no orders breathing to my neck (no pressure) and even went to the gym.
Great move!
That's a nice way to recover and bounce back.
 
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deepneuralnet

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With this post I am going for GOLD - grab a cup of coffee and let's go for a ride...

I haven't posted for a long while and there is a good reason for it - Although I had made a decent recovery before (please read my story HERE), I had slipped through the cracks again. Badly. As the saying goes "ships don't sink, because of the water around them - ships sink, because of the water that gets in them" - this is exactly what happened to me. I let all kinds of negative emotions kick and drag my soul to the deepest darkness you can imagine. I stopped going to gym. Started eating junk food. To make things worse, I even began to drink alcoholic drinks to numb my pain...

On the surface, I was still performing relatively OK. I managed to produce average quality work (as per my own standards) and customers are still happy. Although I procrastinated to the last second, I somehow managed to drag my a$$ through the tightest of cracks. I would drink and eat junk for days and then finish a huge project in a single day or multiple small projects at the very last minute. I became an Olympic Procrastinator and would beat myself for all my failures on a daily basis and then drink again to numb the pain.

What's the result?

  • My weight has reached 125kg - 24/07/2020.
  • I became a VERY toxic person - due to my bleeding soul (angry, jealous, over-reactive...you name it).
  • Most of my business development ideas remained on the shelf, gathering dust.
...The list is endless.

Instead of posting a success story AFTER an event - I am offering a journey from the lowest point of darkness all the way up to the sunny surface. Every day I will be making detailed notes and looking for strategies and TESTING, TESTING, TESTING...at the end of a week I will update this thread (yep, every week - religiously) with the findings of what worked best and results. So others could use it for guidance. I have nearly committed suicide because of this emotional pain...so, if this thread shines a light on at least a single soul, my effort was well worth it.

Current 'fun' facts about my so-called life:

  1. No sleep pattern whatsoever (going to bed whenever and waking up at different times).
  2. Over-reactive, jealous, angry, toxic person who externalizes inner pain on outside world.
  3. Eating junk food and drinking alcohol to numb the emotions mentioned in step 2 above.
  4. Spending about 80% of my 'working' time on Facebook - scrolling aimlessly through posts.
  5. Chronic procrastinator with basically 0.01% of self-love and continuous self-sabotage.
I will run this tread for a year. Here is what I will aim for during this hustle period:

  • Drop down to at least 90kg - will post photo of my physique for verification/inspiration purposes.
  • Move from 'self-employed' to 'business owner' by launching a financially successful, scalable business (have 2 verified business models already).
  • Become a calm, zen-like person who appreciates himself, others and abundant opportunities that surround us.
There are just 3 main goals for entire year. However, when I reach them - I will become ENTIRELY different human being. Don't get me wrong, this is going to be probably one of the toughest fights of my life - you will witness relentless struggle, blood and tears...all at once. I will be 100% transparent on my updates and will post on a weekly basis. You will witness fat, negative, hardcore procrastinator turn into shredded, zen-like individual who doesn't only write down goals, but hunts them down mercilessly.

Thanks for reading and being part of my journey <3
I am rooting for you, just do it.
 

Almantas

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Long update coming tomorrow. Will share my experience of dealing with breakup while having anxious attachment style - this caused a lot of difficulties for me in the last few weeks. Hence missing updates.
 

Almantas

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It's been almost a month since my previous update. I was caught in an unexpected fight with an inner demon I thought I had slayed multiple years ago. This couldn't be further from the truth. It got me. It got me very bad...

This update is going to be a very open one - I hope my experience will open at least one forum member's eyes, so not to repeat my mistakes. Back in a childhood, I was raised by a single mother who worked 8-22, so I was pretty much staying home all day everyday since like 4. Sometimes I spent some time at my relatives, but it wasn't so often. Although I learned many valuable skills and was seen by many family friends as some sort of a child prodigy due to my cognitive abilities at a very early age, I developed various illnesses... I could argue that as early as 4 or 5 I was already suffering from a mild anxiety and depression (at the age of 7 I was already a regular visitor at our family Psychologist). In addition to these, I have also developed anxious attachment.

What's anxious attachment, you ask?

I was crying for hours when my mom left for work. Imagine waking up at like 9am and being in the house by yourself with books, crosswords and puzzles. I was crying upon waking up, every time my mom left to work and when I generally felt abandoned, which was during most of my childhood. I became extremely clingy and anxious. Most adults labelled me as a spoiled child who was demanding too much attention. Nobody tried to see my situation for what it was.

This condition has been following me everywhere ever since my childhood. I am now much more aware of this and do not put pressure on women when dating. I observe them, treat with attention and gifts, but try not to get attached too much. Couple of months ago I met a wonderful woman, she was 34 and I am 28 - she had 2 children and was (in my then opinion) a matured person. Instead of repeating my previous mistakes, I was calm and not clingy...in fact, she was the one asking when are we going to meet again and invited to stay at her home instead of a hotel. She was always texting me how much she misses me. Was the one who introduced me to her friends and even asked me to accompany her to her friend's weddings...

…All sounds great. Does it? Do not get me wrong - deep down inside, I was already attached to her. Was always thinking of her and wishing time flies faster so I can meet her again. However, I didn't show my clingy behavior. Then, all of a sudden (literally over night) she started texting me that my attention makes her feel somewhat uncomfortable (didn't get clarification for this and she always complimented me on my romantic behavior and attention) and highlighted that she doesn't believe our relationship will get far.

I have one quality I am particularly proud of: even though my heart is bleeding and drowning in sorrow, I never chase women like this. I accepted her decision, seeing how serious it was. I explained to her that she still matters to me and went no contact. Few days later I found out that her ex-boyfriend crawled back into her life after 6 months and she was debating taking him back and giving him another chance. She and her friends had told me how toxic he was and how happy she was to divorce him, but she decided to jump into a playbox again. Good luck to her.

What happened to me?

I was already having difficulty trusting women. Had multiple cheating encounters previously. This experience was like a nail in a coffin. I was already suffering from somewhat low self-worth, this experience hasn't made anything better. Oh yeah, guys with anxious attachment often worry that a partner will abandon him/her - this was my case as well, which became a self-fulfilling prophecy. After she left me...I was craving for closeness and intimacy (not necessarily sex) like mad - just simply having her by my side. My body was filled with the same sensations I had felt when I was 4 or 5 - I felt as if losing a part of myself. This was insanely painful...

Although I had lost like 10kg prior to this emotional storm, I had put most of it back as I started eating junk and even drinking to numb my pain. I felt damaged, destroyed and bleeding from inside...although from outside it seemed like I got everything sorted, inside game was a totally different story - I was crying and screaming from pain. The last two weeks were particularly difficult. I couldn't even motivate myself to write an update on this forum and pushed my projects to the very last minute (customers didn't experience any issues with this).

So this is that...I am still taking care of my gigs, even though I feel like a rotten pear. I hadn't been to the gym for like a month now...will continue my journey on Monday with healthy diet and workouts. And one MAJOR thing is happening in my life, which will DRAMATICALLY change the course of everything - business in particular:

From Monday, me and my close friend (he's killing on Amazon, makes very decent money, but lacks motivation as he lives by himself in a country house with just a dog) will be moving to a co-working space and then office. We will have set hours, motivate each other and work alongside each other. This will help me establish a healthy sleeping pattern, eating and training habits and will help create many more productive habits...not to mention that the performance of my work will literally skyrocket - I will update and compare my performance working from home and from office environment. I am 100% convinced it will be a game changer that will change my life 360 degrees and you will witness it from a first row.

Do I feel like crap succumbing to my emotions? Yes. But I cannot change the fact that I am a human being. We all have certain advantages and disadvantages and option how we are going to react in certain situations. In my current situation my choice is clear - RETREAT AND REGROUP.

Thanks for continued support and weekly updates from the following Friday will follow as normal.
 
Last edited:

PapaGang

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So far you have made tremendous progress. Congratulations.

Reading your post made me think of a book I read:
Way of the Peaceful Warrior

It pulled me through a rough time I was having. I knew I had to get my inner game correct, and this book did it. Bonus, it is a short read. @Almantas check it out if you have a half hour or so before bedtime.

I look forward to reading more, you're really making progress.
 
Last edited:

ZF Lee

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Thanks @Almantas for sharing.
Reminds me of a lot of things in my own life as well.

Back in a childhood, I was raised by a single mother who worked 8-22, so I was pretty much staying home all day everyday since like 4. Sometimes I spent some time at my relatives, but it wasn't so often. Although I learned many valuable skills and was seen by many family friends as some sort of a child prodigy due to my cognitive abilities at a very early age, I developed various illnesses... I could argue that as early as 4 or 5 I was already suffering from a mild anxiety and depression (at the age of 7 I was already a regular visitor at our family Psychologist). In addition to these, I have also developed anxious attachment.

What's anxious attachment, you ask?

I was crying for hours when my mom left for work. Imagine waking up at like 9am and being in the house by yourself with books, crosswords and puzzles. I was crying upon waking up, every time my mom left to work and when I generally felt abandoned, which was during most of my childhood. I became extremely clingy and anxious. Most adults labelled me as a spoiled child who was demanding too much attention. Nobody tried to see my situation for what it was.
My parents went through a divorce, and although my dad still plays a regular role in my life, I stayed with my mum.

Yet, during my primary school time, I was the same as you...even though I was a decent student, there were many times I cried for her, even before other kids lol.

In high school, I got tossed a lot of work with clubs, uniform groups and tougher studies, so I 'weaned' off from it with all the busy-ness. But that would resurface later when a girl I cherished left town to go to college in another state...but she was willing to continue regular talks with me long-distance until she got another BF.

Today, I still talk with her, but I don't know if they still are together or not, considering COVID's impact.
Which brings us to this...
I was already having difficulty trusting women. Had multiple cheating encounters previously. This experience was like a nail in a coffin. I was already suffering from somewhat low self-worth, this experience hasn't made anything better. Oh yeah, guys with anxious attachment often worry that a partner will abandon him/her - this was my case as well, which became a self-fulfilling prophecy. After she left me...I was craving for closeness and intimacy (not necessarily sex) like mad - just simply having her by my side. My body was filled with the same sensations I had felt when I was 4 or 5 - I felt as if losing a part of myself. This was insanely painful...

Although I had lost like 10kg prior to this emotional storm, I had put most of it back as I started eating junk and even drinking to numb my pain. I felt damaged, destroyed and bleeding from inside...although from outside it seemed like I got everything sorted, inside game was a totally different story - I was crying and screaming from pain. The last two weeks were particularly difficult. I couldn't even motivate myself to write an update on this forum and pushed my projects to the very last minute (customers didn't experience any issues with this).

So this is that...I am still taking care of my gigs, even though I feel like a rotten pear. I hadn't been to the gym for like a month now...will continue my journey on Monday with healthy diet and workouts. And one MAJOR thing is happening in my life, which will DRAMATICALLY change the course of everything - business in particular:

From Monday, me and my close friend (he's killing on Amazon, makes very decent money, but lacks motivation as he lives by himself in a country house with just a dog) will be moving to a co-working space and then office. We will have set hours, motivate each other and work alongside each other. This will help me establish a healthy sleeping pattern, eating and training habits and will help create many more productive habits...not to mention that the performance of my work will literally skyrocket - I will update and compare my performance working from home and from office environment. I am 100% convinced it will be a game changer that will change my life 360 degrees and you will witness it from a first row.
Yeah...it was difficult for me at first to accept that my own girl decided to go somewhere else...

Logically, I knew that relationships come and go, and this one wouldn't be her last (or mine).
Emotionally...it felt like if your sibling was leaving the planet forever.

All I could do was to go back to my work and just send the occasional word of advice on business and life in general to her, but I didn't truly realise what would happen if I had gone off the deep end until these tales hit my family:

TALE A
a. Cousin A loves Japanese college coursemate so much he flies not once, not twice but THREE TIMES over to Japan to see her...only for her parents to reject him.

This spilled over into his own family, where he quarrels with them over university choices and ends up moving out. He's now living with 'rich gamers' and doing no studying or working.

Last CNY, I had to talk his father (my uncle) out of desperately wiring him $500,000 to either continue studies or start a business-which ain't the solution for him.

TALE B

b. Relative B hangs onto Girl Y for 3 YEARS, although she's a f*cking confused lady...jumping from major to major (from some engineering diploma, to early childhood education, to another college...)...and she jumped from one BF to another even though they beat her.

Her machinations drive Relative B, a totally great guy, into desperately learning PUA courses to try to lure her back (with initial moderate success) and even buying Fiverr services for 'love magic'.

Which was garbage. I didn't even know PUA and love magic existed until I found his bills...

Again, I had to come in to help clean up stuff...but that's another story.
This really, really hurt the family terribly-I'm talking about depressed mothers and aunts, disappointed uncles and fathers, and myself as well.



And this isn't the f*cking first time this relationship stuff happened in my family.
I realised I could trace back TONS of my current family's problems like lack of job/financial progress, addictions and poor life attitudes to THAT.

I decided not to be another 'victim' as such...

So yeah, by making the strong push towards changing your environment to something more productive, you are actually shielding yourself from a shit-ton of mistakes 80-90% of young chaps will make this year.

@Almantas, you made a great decision to move on. Keep up with it!

That doesn't mean you cannot find great ladies...you'll be more likely to find them hard at work, building their lives to help boost the people around them.

Some of the most fruitful relationships I've seen started from people finding each other hard at work...my old math teacher married for 30-40 years met his wife at work. I think another aunt and uncle also met at church.

On the work arrangement...
Learn what you can from your close friend, and see if you can network in the co-working space.
They tend to have LOTS of pitches or seminars.

Regardless of whether you work in office or home, always dress decently (not pajamas and Friday slippers), wash up before you leave for work and make sure your devices and harddrive backups work.

Gives a good impression, and primes you better than the f*cks I see on my Zoom college calls, where my coursemates look like they just woke up 10-seconds ago...
 

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