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What's Worse than Death?

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Almantas

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With this post I am going for GOLD - grab a cup of coffee and let's go for a ride...

I haven't posted for a long while and there is a good reason for it - Although I had made a decent recovery before (please read my story HERE), I had slipped through the cracks again. Badly. As the saying goes "ships don't sink, because of the water around them - ships sink, because of the water that gets in them" - this is exactly what happened to me. I let all kinds of negative emotions kick and drag my soul to the deepest darkness you can imagine. I stopped going to gym. Started eating junk food. To make things worse, I even began to drink alcoholic drinks to numb my pain...

On the surface, I was still performing relatively OK. I managed to produce average quality work (as per my own standards) and customers are still happy. Although I procrastinated to the last second, I somehow managed to drag my a$$ through the tightest of cracks. I would drink and eat junk for days and then finish a huge project in a single day or multiple small projects at the very last minute. I became an Olympic Procrastinator and would beat myself for all my failures on a daily basis and then drink again to numb the pain.

What's the result?

  • My weight has reached 125kg - 24/07/2020.
  • I became a VERY toxic person - due to my bleeding soul (angry, jealous, over-reactive...you name it).
  • Most of my business development ideas remained on the shelf, gathering dust.
...The list is endless.

Instead of posting a success story AFTER an event - I am offering a journey from the lowest point of darkness all the way up to the sunny surface. Every day I will be making detailed notes and looking for strategies and TESTING, TESTING, TESTING...at the end of a week I will update this thread (yep, every week - religiously) with the findings of what worked best and results. So others could use it for guidance. I have nearly committed suicide because of this emotional pain...so, if this thread shines a light on at least a single soul, my effort was well worth it.

Current 'fun' facts about my so-called life:

  1. No sleep pattern whatsoever (going to bed whenever and waking up at different times).
  2. Over-reactive, jealous, angry, toxic person who externalizes inner pain on outside world.
  3. Eating junk food and drinking alcohol to numb the emotions mentioned in step 2 above.
  4. Spending about 80% of my 'working' time on Facebook - scrolling aimlessly through posts.
  5. Chronic procrastinator with basically 0.01% of self-love and continuous self-sabotage.
I will run this tread for a year. Here is what I will aim for during this hustle period:

  • Drop down to at least 90kg - will post photo of my physique for verification/inspiration purposes.
  • Move from 'self-employed' to 'business owner' by launching a financially successful, scalable business (have 2 verified business models already).
  • Become a calm, zen-like person who appreciates himself, others and abundant opportunities that surround us.
There are just 3 main goals for entire year. However, when I reach them - I will become ENTIRELY different human being. Don't get me wrong, this is going to be probably one of the toughest fights of my life - you will witness relentless struggle, blood and tears...all at once. I will be 100% transparent on my updates and will post on a weekly basis. You will witness fat, negative, hardcore procrastinator turn into shredded, zen-like individual who doesn't only write down goals, but hunts them down mercilessly.

Thanks for reading and being part of my journey <3
 

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MJ DeMarco

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Good luck! Will follow along, wishing you better health, minimally.
 

sparechange

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How is your social life? I think it could be unhealthy to self isolate during down times, and the drinking doesn't help aswell (infact worsens depression)

Besides work, are there some hobbies you like to enjoy? Do you know your purpose on earth? You will be dead within a few decades anyways, might aswell enjoy it, don't take life to serious imo, it's just a game to be played.

Compare yourself to others in worse situations frequently, they say comparison is the thief of joy but I beg to differ. Someone on the other side of the planet is sleeping outside with no access to clean water or food, and needs to worry about getting mauled by a wild animal.
 

ZF Lee

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@Almantas, you are back!

Glad you are alright, even in your current state.
I smell it will be an absolutely great thread. We haven't had many such threads here the last few weeks.

Current 'fun' facts about my so-called life:

  1. No sleep pattern whatsoever (going to bed whenever and waking up at different times).
  2. Over-reactive, jealous, angry, toxic person who externalizes inner pain on outside world.
  3. Eating junk food and drinking alcohol to numb the emotions mentioned in step 2 above.
  4. Spending about 80% of my 'working' time on Facebook - scrolling aimlessly through posts.
  5. Chronic procrastinator with basically 0.01% of self-love and continuous self-sabotage.
You might be surprised that I have encountered all five of these.
Except the drinking, though.

And these are more common than you think- even for college kids my age.
But that doesn't mean they aren't dangerous.

I'll share a few highlights of what I did to at least mitigate each of them.
Probably in your testings, you can either try them out or expand on them:

1. No sleep pattern.
I realised one of the reasons I actually delayed myself from going to bed, was because sleep felt boring to me.

So in order to go to bed at the right time, not only did I need to ensure my day's important workload was done- but also to ensure that sleeping was REWARDING to go to.

Not too rewarding until you overindulge in it.
Rewarding enough to just sleep and wake up right.

I would do as much work at night until 11pm-12am, then read something more gentle or listen to a sermon (only takes as short as 5 mins)...and then go to bed more ready for sleep.

Cause my brain was put in a more tired state, sleep seemed as great as water in a desert.

For waking up, I can wake up in two ways:
(a) Put the phone alarm near the bathroom so I can go in immediately for a cold shower.
(b) Get some clients texts around 7-8AM (so keep your networking and leads up!)


2. Over-reactive, jealous, angry person.
There are many reasons why you might feel these- but for myself, I felt these negative emotions very often, because I was afraid.

Afraid I wouldn't get what I want.
Afraid of missing out on something.
Afraid of failing to give what I promised to.

What I've found useful, was to work to eliminate the neediness that leads to these fears.

Example?
I was ranting on my progress thread yesterday about some shitty copywriting clients.

Yet, during the feedback sessions, I just explained my position very calmly, and even told them (politely) that I wasn't afraid of being fired.

After all, Upwork invites still hopped into my inbox, my profile visits were increasing, and I had my other email project to do.

While the other copywriter on the call was freaking out about intense deadlines, lack of info on the briefs, bla bla bla...

I cut out as much fear-bringing elements from the picture.

Result? I left the call with a request to do Facebook chatbot copy.

I used to rage at clients, threaten to cut them off immediately and so on...but this round, I just took on the DJ voice that Chris Voss advocated in Never Split The Difference.

There are more examples, but this one was very recent.


3. Junk Food.
If you can tackle the earlier two, one way or another, I suppose this issue will be a lot less serious.

In my case though, 'junk food' for me is basically 85% of cafe, restaurant or takeout food.
(if you dig down the rabbit hole on food prep methods, you'll know why)

The easiest thing I did was to replace the junk food with something healthier...some organic biscuits, chocolate (dark or has nuts...not just sugar), fruit and nuts...

Or I just have a cup of instant coffee, and it usually does the trick to cut off the urge for the rest of the day.


4. Spending about 80% of my time on Facebook
Two ways you can go about it:

(a) Make your time on FB USEFUL
I'm writing more Facebook ads and content marketing for clients these days, so not only do I check on my News Feed and competitors for angles and story leads, I also look at great content marketers and the Ads Library to build my brain.

You can take on work that touches on FB, so you can use FB time for something that at least earns you dough.

(b) Make your time on FB BOOORRIING or plain distasteful
As you are using a PC or phone to go on FB, I would suggest linking it to something very uncomfortable.

Example?

Having some picky clients ring me up on my phone now and then already makes me feel less comfortable about playing my phone all day long.

So I've come to associate my phone with work.

You can use other things, like accountability partners, anti-porn apps or paste Voldemort's armpit hair as the PC background to disassociate yourself from the device.


5. Procrastination.
For this, I think you can safely procrastinate....

IF you have turnkey systems, a stack of briefs or research notes or customer forums (as in my copywriting work) available on hand or other ready resources- so all you need to do is to just assemble stuff on the fly.

As for self-love and self-sabotage, keep meeting great people, as @sparechange mentioned.
Not just here on TFLF, but in church, meetups, etc.

You may run into weird folks, but for the most part, a good organization or 'tribe' whose values that MOST share would be able to replenish your emotional bank account.

Also, take care of your closest family around you.
Help them out, thank them, compliment them. They'll then be strong enough to support you as well.


Much of these things I suggested and did are iterations of James Clear's Atomic Habits.
You can also subscribe to the Altucher Confidential- the guy shares a lot of harsh episodes in his life, and what he did to counter them.

Besides work, are there some hobbies you like to enjoy?
Besides reading Ben Settle's stuff (he keeps an entire stash of free emails on his blog- which are addictive to read), I like Minecraft haha.
Still need to finish a few houses for my desert village fort.
 

Cyberthal

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Sounds like you could use the help of a biohacker. I'd turn to Jonathan Roseland.

You have some addiction issues. I take low dose naltrexone for unrelated reasons. At high doses it treats alcoholism. It's pretty harmless at low dose and is anti-inflammatory, which sounds like you have inflammation.

I'd also try replacing that Facebook vice with another less harmful one. Maybe video games would leave you happier and be less addictive?

Since you're working alone and sound isolated you might not be seeing enough human faces and getting depression from that. Try seeing some in the morning, for example on YouTube. Maybe do a tropical sunset video routine to help you ease into a regular bedtime. Self-kindness. Pet the inner animal.
 

Ma.Gico

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Good luck my friend! Like @sparechange mentioned above, social live is crucial.
I trully believe you are going to make huuge changes this year to better your life, the pain is big enough not to.

A little advice would be to join once a week some art of meetup like hiking or going for walks into nature, bike tours etc. You are from Ireland and there you have plenty of amazing spots for this.

Meeting new people and being surrounded by nature will help you a lot with your journey.

Gicu.
 
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Almantas

Almantas

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I am overwhelmed by the support of this amazing community - I would like to express sincere appreciation for advice and support! <3 You will make this journey a lot more enjoyable.
 
Last edited:

WJK

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With this post I am going for GOLD - grab a cup of coffee and let's go for a ride...

I haven't posted for a long while and there is a good reason for it - Although I had made a decent recovery before (please read my story HERE), I had slipped through the cracks again. Badly. As the saying goes "ships don't sink, because of the water around them - ships sink, because of the water that gets in them" - this is exactly what happened to me. I let all kinds of negative emotions kick and drag my soul to the deepest darkness you can imagine. I stopped going to gym. Started eating junk food. To make things worse, I even began to drink alcoholic drinks to numb my pain...

On the surface, I was still performing relatively OK. I managed to produce average quality work (as per my own standards) and customers are still happy. Although I procrastinated to the last second, I somehow managed to drag my a$$ through the tightest of cracks. I would drink and eat junk for days and then finish a huge project in a single day or multiple small projects at the very last minute. I became an Olympic Procrastinator and would beat myself for all my failures on a daily basis and then drink again to numb the pain.

What's the result?

  • My weight has reached 125kg - 24/07/2020.
  • I became a VERY toxic person - due to my bleeding soul (angry, jealous, over-reactive...you name it).
  • Most of my business development ideas remained on the shelf, gathering dust.
...The list is endless.

Instead of posting a success story AFTER an event - I am offering a journey from the lowest point of darkness all the way up to the sunny surface. Every day I will be making detailed notes and looking for strategies and TESTING, TESTING, TESTING...at the end of a week I will update this thread (yep, every week - religiously) with the findings of what worked best and results. So others could use it for guidance. I have nearly committed suicide because of this emotional pain...so, if this thread shines a light on at least a single soul, my effort was well worth it.

Current 'fun' facts about my so-called life:

  1. No sleep pattern whatsoever (going to bed whenever and waking up at different times).
  2. Over-reactive, jealous, angry, toxic person who externalizes inner pain on outside world.
  3. Eating junk food and drinking alcohol to numb the emotions mentioned in step 2 above.
  4. Spending about 80% of my 'working' time on Facebook - scrolling aimlessly through posts.
  5. Chronic procrastinator with basically 0.01% of self-love and continuous self-sabotage.
I will run this tread for a year. Here is what I will aim for during this hustle period:

  • Drop down to at least 90kg - will post photo of my physique for verification/inspiration purposes.
  • Move from 'self-employed' to 'business owner' by launching a financially successful, scalable business (have 2 verified business models already).
  • Become a calm, zen-like person who appreciates himself, others and abundant opportunities that surround us.
There are just 3 main goals for entire year. However, when I reach them - I will become ENTIRELY different human being. Don't get me wrong, this is going to be probably one of the toughest fights of my life - you will witness relentless struggle, blood and tears...all at once. I will be 100% transparent on my updates and will post on a weekly basis. You will witness fat, negative, hardcore procrastinator turn into shredded, zen-like individual who doesn't only write down goals, but hunts them down mercilessly.

Thanks for reading and being part of my journey <3
So, you are starting your come-back. Good for you. Every one of us has had one of the moments in their lives.
1. Start with forgiving yourself for your failings. Otherwise, you'll make some progress and shot yourself in the foot -- which will take you back to square #1.
2. Make the changes small and doable. If you are overwhelmed, you'll freeze in place. And drink. And be silly. All while you waste time contemplating your navel.
3. Make notes as you go on what you are doing so you see the changes. It's like watching your kid grow and not being able to recognize the growth. You're too close to the situation to see the daily changes.
4. Celebrate often. Really enjoy your accomplishments. A small daily win that you can do consistently can mean more, over time, than a big win.
5. Keep your to-do list short, sweet, and specific. The reason -- read #2 again...
 
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Almantas

Almantas

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Update Number 1

I realized something very important last week - instead of hunting my bad habits one by one, I should concentrate on a chain reaction and identify habits that cause it. For instance: My addiction to Facebook and endless scrolling chews significant amount of time every day - which results in going to bed late at night hence waking up at lunch time. In addition, Facebook addiction results in minimal hours spent on building a business and feeling awful for this and other related reasons (jealousy comparing my worse life moments to highlights of those people living IN Facebook).

Therefore, last week I bought a new phone and didn't install Facebook, WhatsApp or other apps. Result? Instead of dreading to lose potential clients, I am now feeling much more in control of my life and emotions; of course, result is minimal, but moving forward is moving forward.

Last week could be labelled 'Divorce from Facebook Addiction' - I am now going to bed earlier and waking up earlier, which helps me complete more work and feel better about myself.

Completed this week:

  • Analyzed competitor's website and their so-called marketing strategy.
  • Purchased a new business name + ordered virtual office + purchased a freephone.
  • Moved one giant step towards a full divorce from Facebook addiction.
  • Completed few copy-writing projects (my day job I created for myself) I was dreading so much about.
Goals for the next week:

  • Start going to gym from Monday (I haven't been there for like 5 months - this is a big one).
  • Remain on Keto entire week without a single cheat - first giant workout for my willpower.
  • Wake-up at 6am and go to bed at 12am every single day - another test for a willpower.
Following week will be a tough one (I am being positive already) - therefore, I will concentrate my entire willpower on these changes. Due to my so-called chain reaction, here are the potential benefits these changes will create:

  1. Going to gym will be a first step towards not only losing weight, but regaining muscle. This will help me build self-esteem, which will result in better overall mood - this should translate into more positiveness when building business/writing projects. These are just some of the benefits of this single change.
  2. By going Keto full-time, I will begin a journey towards immense weight-loss (goal is to lose roughly 30-40kg). Seeing scales going down will inject more self-belief, which will create more benefits - most of them mentioned already in points made above.
  3. Waking up and going to bed at the same time will result in getting more stuff done and feeling more in control of my life - this should push my self-belief further and help me complete more stuff in a single week.
Important finding: Never regret of your past lessons. Yeah, I could have launched my business when I was 20 - by now I should have probably been a millionaire or at least built a more powerful skill-set. Following this limiting belief is like burning $100 only because you lost $10 on a wrong bet - in a five years time, you could be looking back at where you are today and not even imagine how far you will go in such a short amount of time. The choice is ours - burn the rest of money or used it to make millions.

Your past mistakes/lessons are just an investment you had to make in order to build a better future.
 

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WJK

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Oct 9, 2017
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Update Number 1

I realized something very important last week - instead of hunting my bad habits one by one, I should concentrate on a chain reaction and identify habits that cause it. For instance: My addiction to Facebook and endless scrolling chews significant amount of time every day - which results in going to bed late at night hence waking up at lunch time. In addition, Facebook addiction results in minimal hours spent on building a business and feeling awful for this and other related reasons (jealousy comparing my worse life moments to highlights of those people living IN Facebook).

Therefore, last week I bought a new phone and didn't install Facebook, WhatsApp or other apps. Result? Instead of dreading to lose potential clients, I am now feeling much more in control of my life and emotions; of course, result is minimal, but moving forward is moving forward.

Last week could be labelled 'Divorce from Facebook Addiction' - I am now going to bed earlier and waking up earlier, which helps me complete more work and feel better about myself.

Completed this week:

  • Analyzed competitor's website and their so-called marketing strategy.
  • Purchased a new business name + ordered virtual office + purchased a freephone.
  • Moved one giant step towards a full divorce from Facebook addiction.
  • Completed few copy-writing projects (my day job I created for my self) I was dreading so much about.
Goals for the next week:

  • Start going to gym from Monday (I haven't been there for like 5 months - this is a big one).
  • Remain on Keto entire week without a single cheat - first giant workout for my willpower.
  • Wake-up at 6am and go to bed at 12am every single day - another test for a willpower.
Following week will be a tough one (I am being positive already) - therefore, I will concentrate my entire willpower on these changes. Due to my so-called chain reaction, here are the potential benefits these changes will create:

  1. Going to gym will be a first step towards not only losing weight, but regaining muscle. This will help me build self-esteem, which will result in better overall mood - this should translate into more positiveness when building business/writing projects. These are just some of the benefits of this single change.
  2. By going Keto full-time, I will begin a journey towards immense weight-loss (goal is to lose roughly 30-40kg). Seeing scales going down will inject more self-belief, which will create more benefits - most of them mentioned already in points made above.
  3. Waking up and going to bed at the same time will result in getting more stuff done and feeling more in control of my life - this should push my self-belief further and help me complete more stuff in the same week.
Important finding: Never regret of your past lessons. Yeah, I could have launched my business when I was 20 - by now I should have probably been a millionaire or at least built a more powerful skill-set. Following this belief is like throwing another $100 only because you lost $10 on a wrong bet.
You're sure taking a lot all at once. Can you concentrate on all that at the same time? I'm changing my life too... Only in baby steps.

About three months ago, I achieved a major component of a goal that I've been working on for 35 years. I achieved another major component of that goal 2 weeks ago. I got the closing papers in the mail yesterday. And I'm within shooting range for finishing that goal totally within the next few months.

What was this goal????? I have wanted to be debt-free for all of those 35 years and I've worked very hard at it. Being debt-free is tough to do for a business person with real estate holdings. I've had horrible setbacks time and time again. Stuff happened -- like recessions, riots, fires, deaths, business failures, and other disasters. And then there were those deals and opportunities I just couldn't pass up... I've needed working capital at times and had to go back to the lending well several times to make things happen. Yes, some of these events were my choice. Some were not. But, the bottom line is that I am totally responsible for ALL of my actions and reactions.

Am I happier? That's the funny part. Not yet. I have been wrestling with the fatalist thought that maybe I wasted those years on chasing that debt-free goal -- while the people around me were out having a good time. I counter that thought with the reality that I'm in a better place today than they are money-wise.

We still pinch pennies out of a lifetime habit of making assets stretch. I don't have anyone left to impress these days. If my husband and I want something, we can go out and buy it. Most of the time we simply don't want more stuff. We come to the conclusion that we don't want to be owned by our stuff... All the while, I'm watching the people around me pinch pennies out of necessity with a sense of desperate scarcity. That graphic picture reminds me of why I struggled with my goal for all of those years.

We're busy "downsizing" our life by selling, giving, and throwing away everything that we no longer need or are using. One of my baby steps is to get rid of, or clean-up, one thing every day. Yesterday I canceled a whole bunch of domain names that I no longer need. (The business fell apart this last spring. Thankfully before I put too much money into it and the virus started. Oh well. Next!) And I counted those cancellations as my daily win in my log. Last week we sold some heavy equipment that we aren't using anymore. The buyer's mover came with the 18 wheeler semi-truck and picked them up. Today, I'll take a pile of discarded boxes over to the transfer site for recycling. It doesn't take a big win to make my daily log -- just something to add my list.

Anyway, my point is that change takes time -- lots of time for some goals. And I don't try to do too much all at once or make huge changes. I tend to get lost in the process. I take it just one small baby step at a time, done consistently day after day. If I fail for a day, it's not the end of the world. I can double up the next day and make up for my omission without it hurting too much. I find a week to be too long to concentrate. It's overwhelming. And I really am that busy... I know that sounds dumb, but I break down my goal pursuits to one small win, one day at a time. Grand jesters only work for me over the long haul.
 

LordGanon

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I don't want to make the impression I'm someone who has figured all of this out, yet, and don't want to play online therapist, but:

The way you write shows quite a lot about your perspective on things, and it is filled with anger and resentment towards yourself. Also, it seems like you're going through this self-imposed program like your own drill instructor. (Been in the military? Did you like the way you were treated? I didn't.)

While I can fully understand being unhappy with the situation and can only compliment you on acting on your desire for change: I don't think a lot will change about the way you feel unless you take a look at that. Achievements often can't cure that itch. And that will result in frustration, again.

I'm not trying to preach complacency (keep going!) but suggesting a little more compassion towards yourself.

.edit: I'm also saying that because I was in a similar situation the first time I quit the bottle. I was amazed what I could accomplish sober after feeling like a failure for years. But after a really big thing I crossed off my list - there was just this horrible feeling of "And now what?"
 
Last edited:

WJK

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I don't want to make the impression I'm someone who has figured all of this out, yet, and don't want to play online therapist, but:

The way you write shows quite a lot about your perspective on things, and it is filled with anger and resentment towards yourself. Also, it seems like you're going through this self-imposed program like your own drill instructor. (Been in the military? Did you like the way you were treated? I didn't.)

While I can fully understand being unhappy with the situation and can only compliment you on acting on your desire for change: I don't think a lot will change about the way you feel unless you take a look at that. Achievements often can't cure that itch. And that will result in frustration, again.

I'm not trying to preach complacency (keep going!) but suggesting a little more compassion towards yourself.

.edit: I'm also saying that because I was in a similar situation the first time I quit the bottle. I was amazed what I could accomplish sober after feeling like a failure for years. But after a really big thing I crossed off my list - there was just this horrible feeling of "And now what?"
You're right. I agree with you. Self-punishing is counterproductive. Be gentle and kind to yourself. It works much better.

And I have also struggled with the after-hyper-achievement-moments. When you have been to the top of the mountain, what do you do then? It's that "'And now what?' let-down feeling" that you cited. How can you ever top your past? Where do you find new meaning and direction? Can you find another mountain to climb that will give you the same level of acknowledged accomplishment? Do you have the grit to make another run at a new all-consuming goal? What if you fail this time? What if you just quit? If you do quit, can you live with yourself?

There are many layers and levels of success. Each step in your climb has its own challenges.
 
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