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So basically around a couple of years ago, I lost my will to live completely. It's not that I am depressed, I just don't see the point of doing anything anymore. It's worse than an existential crisis. I have been to doctors, shrinks, and therapists of every kind and I have basically given up on them, and they, on me. I have been chased by cops, been 'visited' at home, and have had to talk my way out of involuntary treatment at the hospital. Best help has been from psychedelics so far, but my doctor disagrees and would like to see them gone.(I don't take pills for mental health).
A few nights ago, I was having a bad day and ended up going to a cliff with the waves splashing below -- a place where I usually go to meditate on a beautiful day. I stood on that cliff but instead of jumping, I wanted randomness to decide. So I stood there on one leg waiting for a splash of waves to decide what the next melody of the cosmic song would be. Only a single wave hit me and I lost the torch I was navigating with but no big splashes hit and I came back home alright. I have never felt so ALIVE in my life that I felt in that moment -- not knowing and leaving it all to randomness and chaos. Since then, I have had a DEEP desire to learn to dance and to do things just because of WANTing to do them -- no plans, no scheming or trying to manipulate situations. My outlook on life has started to change -- instead of looking at HAVING to do things for the sake of doing them, I have started to plan a new life centered around priorities that bring me the most joy. I want to invent something new in the field of software. I've let my imagination run wild and my sights are set on $25 million. This new life is centered around having fun on the journey -- instead of looking at it as WORK to do for achieving a goal, it has shifted to looking at it as having the opportunity to enjoy a dance -- a dance of creation whose side effect is making money.
But I am flying blind on empty tanks right now. I've never read this kind of philosophy about life anywhere where actions are inspired by a thrill of danger a.k.a HIGH RISK HIGH REWARD games. I know this material is out there somewhere. For, I cannot be the only one being delighted over the prospect of being in a situation fraught with grave risk. If I hear one more person talk about living the SCRIPTED life, I swear to God I will cut my throat or his -- a life of little to no risk with no rewards, mediocrity on a stretcher.
Anyone has any idea what I am hitting on? Any book/reading recommendations for pursuing this idea further? I am currently reading '10X is easier than 2X' and its helping somewhat, but open to any suggestions/advice.
A few nights ago, I was having a bad day and ended up going to a cliff with the waves splashing below -- a place where I usually go to meditate on a beautiful day. I stood on that cliff but instead of jumping, I wanted randomness to decide. So I stood there on one leg waiting for a splash of waves to decide what the next melody of the cosmic song would be. Only a single wave hit me and I lost the torch I was navigating with but no big splashes hit and I came back home alright. I have never felt so ALIVE in my life that I felt in that moment -- not knowing and leaving it all to randomness and chaos. Since then, I have had a DEEP desire to learn to dance and to do things just because of WANTing to do them -- no plans, no scheming or trying to manipulate situations. My outlook on life has started to change -- instead of looking at HAVING to do things for the sake of doing them, I have started to plan a new life centered around priorities that bring me the most joy. I want to invent something new in the field of software. I've let my imagination run wild and my sights are set on $25 million. This new life is centered around having fun on the journey -- instead of looking at it as WORK to do for achieving a goal, it has shifted to looking at it as having the opportunity to enjoy a dance -- a dance of creation whose side effect is making money.
But I am flying blind on empty tanks right now. I've never read this kind of philosophy about life anywhere where actions are inspired by a thrill of danger a.k.a HIGH RISK HIGH REWARD games. I know this material is out there somewhere. For, I cannot be the only one being delighted over the prospect of being in a situation fraught with grave risk. If I hear one more person talk about living the SCRIPTED life, I swear to God I will cut my throat or his -- a life of little to no risk with no rewards, mediocrity on a stretcher.
Anyone has any idea what I am hitting on? Any book/reading recommendations for pursuing this idea further? I am currently reading '10X is easier than 2X' and its helping somewhat, but open to any suggestions/advice.
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