Hi guys,
This post is going to be quiet long and describe my psychological battle with multiple invisible entities. Entities that have been living in my head without my permission. Why did I let them do it? Because I was unaware of their presence until recently.
So, if you'd like to know more and have 20 minutes to spare, I send you a warm thank you for being part of my journey and I am hopeful that this post provides some value for you too!
Some of you are already aware of my progress threads, such as this and motivational posts, such as this but no evidence to back them up. Why I've no evidence to back them up? Because I've taken 0 action. I became that loco dude who does same thing over and over again and hopes for different results.
Preparation for a Miserable Journey
Until 2014 I was a regular side-walk guy. I was working part-time while finishing my university degree. I lived with my college sweetheart, lost virginity to her (yeah, this post is going to be pretty transparent), she was the first girl I have ever really kissed, went together on holiday, hell, we event spent 2011-2014 living together. Long-story short, she dumped me due to my over-concentration on studies, part-time job and fitness (according to her at least). She left me instantly, maybe there were signs, but she never directly approached me about it and didn't give a chance to repair a broken situation.
I instantly fell into a severe episode of sadness and hopelessness. My studies suffered and was notified multiple times that my a$$ was about to get kicked out if I don't come to uni. I left my part-time job, because it reminded me of her too much - employer rang my mother and told that they are going to wait for me as long as it takes for me to recover, because I never picked up a call. Sadly, my episode of sadness has never disappeared and the company got acquired and management jumped the ship.
Rationale Behind the Journey
Despite being depressed and struggling with studies, I tried getting another job in a different environment. However, I could not handle office environment at that stage. I was always sad, did not want to interact with co-workers and was pretty much seen as a dark shadow looming in a corner by everyone. Therefore, I decided to jump the ship and embark on entrepreneurship. I had €80k in savings and was confident that I can do it.
Beginning of a Journey
2014 October I graduated with an Honors Degree in International Relations and immediately embarked upon entrepreneurship. I had a good few 'business advisers' who pointed where my money should go. Being still somewhat depressed I didn't properly access the situation and invested majority of my investment in first venture. Long-story short, the process of lifting this venture off the ground by the depressed guy who tried to hustle has proved catastrophic. It flipped. I got burned and fell into even deeper depression.
Uninvited Guests
It was December, 2015 - the moment I joined this forum. Everybody around me was happy, getting ready for Christmas and getting ready to smash 2016 goals. My situation was different, I was lying in bed, pretty much crying until I fall asleep at least 5 times a week and visualizing what great future I could've had with my ex-gf if I had made the right choices at the right time. I didn't know what's going on with me, but I had never felt like it before in my life: extremely suicidal, purposeless, hopeless, isolated and angry on everything around me.
Uninvited Guests Took Over My Car
Those demons, who lived inside of my head took control of my life and choices I've made. I've spent roughly a year living in an extremely dark place. A place that has no light, nor sounds, nor taste, nor purpose. A place that is a complete nothingness, an endless pit of darkness and silence. I got even more isolated, my communication started to suffer, I got even more negative and hatred was through the roof. I began watching horror movies, consuming negative news and stopped going to the gym. Long story short, I became a horror version of a young adult who lives in his parent's basement.
Identifying Uninvited Guests
December 2016. It was a moment I re-called my first huge business failure and reflected back on how I had spent entire 2016, which was doing nothing - at least that's how it looked on the surface, despite my relentless suffering and pain. I decided to end it all. The pain was too much and my anger was out of control, I decided to lessen the burden and let my loved ones live their happy lives without me - I swallowed a handful of pills and passed out. I woke up in a hospital after a few days. I didn't pass it. My mother was crying beside me. She had already lost one child (my brother) few months after his birth. I felt like a failure. Like a complete shite bag.
January rolled-in and I decided that 2017 is going to be the year I put end to this nonsense. I decided it's time to identify who holds me back and cut the rope. I've visited counselors, psychotherapists and psychiatrists. All of them concluded that I am perfectly healthy individual who doesn't suffer from any psychological problems. Hell, some of them told me I am on a similar level knowledge-wise as they are and that I should simply apply what I know, which I had never done before.
Until recently I didn't realize who was the key uninvited guest who began by directing me where to drive in life and ended up taking complete control of a car by kicking me off a driver's seat. The name of that guest is victim-hood.
Getting to Know an Uninvited Guest
Since my 2014 breakup I subconsciously turned a victim mode ON and never turned it OFF. Everyone around me reminded me of how evil my ex was for leaving me without giving a chance to repair a situation. Some of my family members even reminded me of my somewhat disturbing childhood and suggested that my sadness and depression might me related to that. I became a victim of everything around me. I was so convinced that I suffer from a Clinical Depression, that I actually began feeling almost all symptoms. I had been living with that victim mode for almost three years.
Getting Control of a Steering Wheel
As Shin Tzu said "know thy self and thy enemy and you'll win every battle" - it seems I am finally aware of myself and my enemy. I admit, it doesn't feel normal and comfortable, because my mind still wants to go into a victim mode, but my desire to get full control of my life is stronger. If I said that uninvited guest is gone, I would be lying. The fact that I've learned is that I can not get rid of it, it must get rid of itself instead. It's like an uninvited guest who is sitting in a passenger's seat and constantly talking, trying to influence the direction we go. What happens when we ignore a passenger and go different direction instead? Passenger leaves and finds another vehicle with an ignorant driver who is more willing to bend down and stay quiet.
Current Direction
I am finally barely hearing my passenger's voice. I can now better concentrate on my journey. I am not going to create yet another progress thread and abandon it, instead here are the things I've completed in the last week:
1. Deleted FB - I don't wanna see photoshopped lives of people I barely know, who claim to have it all, while eating rotten bread behind the scenes.
2. Ignoring News - Most of them are negative, I don't care if next probable financial crash is around the corner or Mr. Angry Korean Guy launches his nukes, if it meant to happen it will.
3. Decided to Get a Job - I am off to Spain, Poland and Lithuania in a month and will be back in October, so I am not going to apply to any jobs just yet. The reason why I've decided to get a job as a Business Analyst is not because I can not support myself financially (I can still do so for a year), but because I'll finally grab back my communication skills and learn a hell of a stuff that will be applicable to my own venture. Plus, I'll get to meet a lot of awesome guys, who may be my assets for entrepreneurship and become integrated rather than isolated at home.
4. Forgave Myself - I've wasted 3 years of my life. In order to turn my Victim Mode OFF I had to this first, otherwise I'd spend another 30 years crying over each lost year.
5. Turning Beast Mode ON - It'll take some time, but I made a commitment to ignore negative people, unless what they provide is critical feedback. I will now fight for my life, for my future and my dreams. I've lost 3 years? F*ck it. It's gone. I can achieve in the next 3 years more than I did in the last 10 if I direct my energy in the right direction.
Future Direction
I know, future is a mystery and past is a ghost. I am living in the present (finally!), but am open minded about the future. As the saying goes " a man without dreams is like a bird without wings" - but don't forget, if the bird never uses its wings, they are worthless. So, my future direction is feeding my beast and chasing my pray that'll make me better person in all life aspects (spiritual, social, physical, financial, etc.). I am yet unsure of what the future holds and have small control of it, but I am currently in full control of my car and I know I am heading into the right direction finally... The example I like to use:
Imagine: You are a driver of a car. That car is your mind. As with every journey, it's hard to predict weather conditions, traffic, accidents, etc. Same with your life goals...you can rarely know what comes up and in what fashion it interferes with your goals. What happens when we are caught in a terrible weather while driving? In most cases turn on window wipers, turn on some heat and keep driving. What happens when we approach an obstacle on a road (e.g. a bag of potatoes lying on a road) - we drive around it, or eliminate an obstacle. Same with our life goals... every time we're faced with an obstacle, we have to find a way around it (there's always one!) instead of changing direction, or even worse...coming back from where we started.
Thanks for your patience and time.
P.S. This forum is like my family, although my reputation so far hasn't been that great. I'll do my best to contribute to this forum as much as possible in the future, because fighting with inner demons and trying to stay positive at the same time was tough!
This post is going to be quiet long and describe my psychological battle with multiple invisible entities. Entities that have been living in my head without my permission. Why did I let them do it? Because I was unaware of their presence until recently.
So, if you'd like to know more and have 20 minutes to spare, I send you a warm thank you for being part of my journey and I am hopeful that this post provides some value for you too!
Some of you are already aware of my progress threads, such as this and motivational posts, such as this but no evidence to back them up. Why I've no evidence to back them up? Because I've taken 0 action. I became that loco dude who does same thing over and over again and hopes for different results.
Preparation for a Miserable Journey
Until 2014 I was a regular side-walk guy. I was working part-time while finishing my university degree. I lived with my college sweetheart, lost virginity to her (yeah, this post is going to be pretty transparent), she was the first girl I have ever really kissed, went together on holiday, hell, we event spent 2011-2014 living together. Long-story short, she dumped me due to my over-concentration on studies, part-time job and fitness (according to her at least). She left me instantly, maybe there were signs, but she never directly approached me about it and didn't give a chance to repair a broken situation.
I instantly fell into a severe episode of sadness and hopelessness. My studies suffered and was notified multiple times that my a$$ was about to get kicked out if I don't come to uni. I left my part-time job, because it reminded me of her too much - employer rang my mother and told that they are going to wait for me as long as it takes for me to recover, because I never picked up a call. Sadly, my episode of sadness has never disappeared and the company got acquired and management jumped the ship.
Rationale Behind the Journey
Despite being depressed and struggling with studies, I tried getting another job in a different environment. However, I could not handle office environment at that stage. I was always sad, did not want to interact with co-workers and was pretty much seen as a dark shadow looming in a corner by everyone. Therefore, I decided to jump the ship and embark on entrepreneurship. I had €80k in savings and was confident that I can do it.
Beginning of a Journey
2014 October I graduated with an Honors Degree in International Relations and immediately embarked upon entrepreneurship. I had a good few 'business advisers' who pointed where my money should go. Being still somewhat depressed I didn't properly access the situation and invested majority of my investment in first venture. Long-story short, the process of lifting this venture off the ground by the depressed guy who tried to hustle has proved catastrophic. It flipped. I got burned and fell into even deeper depression.
Uninvited Guests
It was December, 2015 - the moment I joined this forum. Everybody around me was happy, getting ready for Christmas and getting ready to smash 2016 goals. My situation was different, I was lying in bed, pretty much crying until I fall asleep at least 5 times a week and visualizing what great future I could've had with my ex-gf if I had made the right choices at the right time. I didn't know what's going on with me, but I had never felt like it before in my life: extremely suicidal, purposeless, hopeless, isolated and angry on everything around me.
Uninvited Guests Took Over My Car
Those demons, who lived inside of my head took control of my life and choices I've made. I've spent roughly a year living in an extremely dark place. A place that has no light, nor sounds, nor taste, nor purpose. A place that is a complete nothingness, an endless pit of darkness and silence. I got even more isolated, my communication started to suffer, I got even more negative and hatred was through the roof. I began watching horror movies, consuming negative news and stopped going to the gym. Long story short, I became a horror version of a young adult who lives in his parent's basement.
Identifying Uninvited Guests
December 2016. It was a moment I re-called my first huge business failure and reflected back on how I had spent entire 2016, which was doing nothing - at least that's how it looked on the surface, despite my relentless suffering and pain. I decided to end it all. The pain was too much and my anger was out of control, I decided to lessen the burden and let my loved ones live their happy lives without me - I swallowed a handful of pills and passed out. I woke up in a hospital after a few days. I didn't pass it. My mother was crying beside me. She had already lost one child (my brother) few months after his birth. I felt like a failure. Like a complete shite bag.
January rolled-in and I decided that 2017 is going to be the year I put end to this nonsense. I decided it's time to identify who holds me back and cut the rope. I've visited counselors, psychotherapists and psychiatrists. All of them concluded that I am perfectly healthy individual who doesn't suffer from any psychological problems. Hell, some of them told me I am on a similar level knowledge-wise as they are and that I should simply apply what I know, which I had never done before.
Until recently I didn't realize who was the key uninvited guest who began by directing me where to drive in life and ended up taking complete control of a car by kicking me off a driver's seat. The name of that guest is victim-hood.
Getting to Know an Uninvited Guest
Since my 2014 breakup I subconsciously turned a victim mode ON and never turned it OFF. Everyone around me reminded me of how evil my ex was for leaving me without giving a chance to repair a situation. Some of my family members even reminded me of my somewhat disturbing childhood and suggested that my sadness and depression might me related to that. I became a victim of everything around me. I was so convinced that I suffer from a Clinical Depression, that I actually began feeling almost all symptoms. I had been living with that victim mode for almost three years.
Getting Control of a Steering Wheel
As Shin Tzu said "know thy self and thy enemy and you'll win every battle" - it seems I am finally aware of myself and my enemy. I admit, it doesn't feel normal and comfortable, because my mind still wants to go into a victim mode, but my desire to get full control of my life is stronger. If I said that uninvited guest is gone, I would be lying. The fact that I've learned is that I can not get rid of it, it must get rid of itself instead. It's like an uninvited guest who is sitting in a passenger's seat and constantly talking, trying to influence the direction we go. What happens when we ignore a passenger and go different direction instead? Passenger leaves and finds another vehicle with an ignorant driver who is more willing to bend down and stay quiet.
Current Direction
I am finally barely hearing my passenger's voice. I can now better concentrate on my journey. I am not going to create yet another progress thread and abandon it, instead here are the things I've completed in the last week:
1. Deleted FB - I don't wanna see photoshopped lives of people I barely know, who claim to have it all, while eating rotten bread behind the scenes.
2. Ignoring News - Most of them are negative, I don't care if next probable financial crash is around the corner or Mr. Angry Korean Guy launches his nukes, if it meant to happen it will.
3. Decided to Get a Job - I am off to Spain, Poland and Lithuania in a month and will be back in October, so I am not going to apply to any jobs just yet. The reason why I've decided to get a job as a Business Analyst is not because I can not support myself financially (I can still do so for a year), but because I'll finally grab back my communication skills and learn a hell of a stuff that will be applicable to my own venture. Plus, I'll get to meet a lot of awesome guys, who may be my assets for entrepreneurship and become integrated rather than isolated at home.
4. Forgave Myself - I've wasted 3 years of my life. In order to turn my Victim Mode OFF I had to this first, otherwise I'd spend another 30 years crying over each lost year.
5. Turning Beast Mode ON - It'll take some time, but I made a commitment to ignore negative people, unless what they provide is critical feedback. I will now fight for my life, for my future and my dreams. I've lost 3 years? F*ck it. It's gone. I can achieve in the next 3 years more than I did in the last 10 if I direct my energy in the right direction.
Future Direction
I know, future is a mystery and past is a ghost. I am living in the present (finally!), but am open minded about the future. As the saying goes " a man without dreams is like a bird without wings" - but don't forget, if the bird never uses its wings, they are worthless. So, my future direction is feeding my beast and chasing my pray that'll make me better person in all life aspects (spiritual, social, physical, financial, etc.). I am yet unsure of what the future holds and have small control of it, but I am currently in full control of my car and I know I am heading into the right direction finally... The example I like to use:
Imagine: You are a driver of a car. That car is your mind. As with every journey, it's hard to predict weather conditions, traffic, accidents, etc. Same with your life goals...you can rarely know what comes up and in what fashion it interferes with your goals. What happens when we are caught in a terrible weather while driving? In most cases turn on window wipers, turn on some heat and keep driving. What happens when we approach an obstacle on a road (e.g. a bag of potatoes lying on a road) - we drive around it, or eliminate an obstacle. Same with our life goals... every time we're faced with an obstacle, we have to find a way around it (there's always one!) instead of changing direction, or even worse...coming back from where we started.
Thanks for your patience and time.
P.S. This forum is like my family, although my reputation so far hasn't been that great. I'll do my best to contribute to this forum as much as possible in the future, because fighting with inner demons and trying to stay positive at the same time was tough!
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